Original subtitles

Last time on Cheers:

Hey, Sammy! Me and Eddie are getting married!

She's quite a catch, Ed.

Seems that Eddie and I picked the one day of the century

when all the planets and constellations are in perfect alignment.

So either we get married by 4 p.m. today

or we wait until the year 2042.

This is gonna be an interesting wedding.

The two most superstitious people in the world.

Hey, don't say that. It's bad luck.

Our love can conquer any bad luck that comes our way.

Hey, that's my mirror.

I mean it. Anthony and Annie moving in.

You don't wanna come and live in my little, tiny, overcrowded house.

Your ma hating me.

- I'm so happy to meet you. - Carla.

- Anthony hating you. - You're not my father and never will be!

- Twins. - I had twins once.

It was the happiest day of my life.

Every time one of these little piddling things came up,

I kept thinking you were gonna say,

- 'The wedding's off.' - The wedding's off.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

- Mr. Peterson, would you like a beer? - No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

Man, you are looking at one sharp bargainer.

Not only did I get Carla and Eddie eight sterling silver place settings,

but I also got Bruce to throw in matching wienie-tongs

and a lemon-zester.

Oh, that's great, man, except the wedding's been called off.

So, what happened?

Eddie freaked out about being a father?

No. Eddie's mom met Carla.

- Hate at first sight? - Yeah, how'd you know?

Well, that's the "law" part of mother-in-laws.

So Eddie's not gonna marry Carla because his mother doesn't approve.

Yeah, I'll tell you, it's pathetic

to see a grown man so tied to his ma's apron strings.

Well, that reminds me, Mr. Clavin.

Your mother called and said she couldn't make it for dinner tonight.

Oh, great.

What am I supposed to do with that casserole? Just throw it away?

Mr. Malone,

remember that reception you talked me into?

Well, it seems that the bride is in my office

and she's having a little problem with the groom.

She wants him to die with festering boils.

It's just the usual prenuptial jitters. It'll be all right.

It will not be all right. I invited my boss.

And he's really excited about this. Now, if Mr. Drake shows up here

expecting a reception and there isn't a reception,

I'm gonna have egg all over my face.

Actually, you know, most complexion experts

swear by the old egg facial.

It tightens one's pores.

Although, yours look pretty tight to me.

I wanna talk to you for a minute.

Miss Howe, I think I can get this wedding back on track.

- Thank God. - Yeah, but I have one little condition.

You pull this off and you can have anything you want.

- Really? - Except that.

Actually, all I wanna do is get rid of these stupid uniforms.

Mr. Malone, ever since you have worked here

you've done nothing but whine about these uniforms.

Now, I put a great deal of thought into them,

and I happen to think they make a statement.

Oh, yeah. They say I'm a lima bean.

All right, fine, fine. You insist on keeping these uniforms,

then there'll be no wedding, no wedding reception,

and you and Mr. Drake can spend an intimate evening

watching 40 quarts of guacamole turn black.

- Fine, fine. Get rid of the uniforms. - Okay. Woody.

Get on the phone. Tell the church we're running a little bit late.

Cliff, see if you can catch up with Eddie there.

Norm, stay in the office and make sure Carla does not trash it.

Frasier, go pick up Carla's gown, will you?

Right. Oh, say, if anybody needs me,

just tell them I'm at Gown-O-Rama.

- That was all well and good. - Thank you.

How do you plan on getting the bride and groom back together?

I'm going to rely on my wits.

- Well, you're halfway there. - You better believe it.

Sam, Father Barry at Carla's church said we gotta hurry

because he's got two weddings planned after Carla's, a bake sale,

a slide show of the Knights of Columbus trip to the Holy Land,

and a CYO hootenanny.

- Thank you, Woody. - Sam?

I'm thinking of becoming Catholic.

We'll talk about it later.

- Hey, Sammy. Yeah, I got Eddie. - Great. Where's Mama?

I tipped the cabbie to take her back to the hotel.

No hurry to pay me back that buck.

I'm not gonna marry her, Sam.

I mean, I can't go against ma mère's wishes.

But maybe someday, after Mama gets to know her

and starts to like her...

What about the planets and the tea leaves?

If you don't marry her now, you're gonna have to wait until 2042.

Sam, it's no use. I mean, maybe Carla's right.

Ever since I saw her on our wedding day,

we've had nothing but bad luck.

Yeah, I happen to think that it's bad luck

to be a jerk to the woman you're in love with.

Now, come on, Eddie, just talk to her.

Okay, I guess I could just talk to her.

Great, great, great. Hold that thought.

- How's it going? - Pretty good, pretty good.

It better be or my butt's in a sling.

Is there room for two in there?

Eddie's arm.

Neck.

- How's it going? - Oh, not too bad.

I don't think we've broken anything vital yet.

- Thank you. - Eddie's foot.

- Sweetheart - Eddie's finger.

- Sit down. Hey, stop, stop. - Eddie's shoulder.

Would you give the guy a break, please?

He had to break a mirror, right? He had to spill the salt.

He had to thumb his nose to the fates and look what happened.

They turned him into a wuss.

The important thing is that the wuss came back.

Does he have a note from his mommy?

Oh, come on. Just talk to the guy.

I don't talk to spineless jellyfish.

All right, fine.

I'll just go out there and tell him to leave.

Hey.

Does he look really pathetic and cute?

Have you ever seen a puppy in the rain?

I guess I can let him off the hook. But first he has to come in here,

get down on his knees and sweat blood.

He was hoping you'd say that.

You're smiling. The wedding's on.

Oh, yeah, and this uniform is almost off.

Old Engineer Sammy's got the Matrimony Express

right back on schedule.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, wait a minute, man, whoa.

Where are you going?

I can't face her right now. I mean, even if I did change my mind

and decided to stand up to Mama,

Carla would never forgive me for the way I ran out.

I mean, if I went in there right now, she'd tear my head off.

Come on, Eddie, now, I think you're underestimating Carla just a bit here.

Oh, you don't think she'll be mad?

No, I don't think she'll stop at your head.

Go on. Listen. She wants to forgive you.

All you two need is a few moments together in private.

Okay. But could we do it out here,

where there are plenty of witnesses?

All right. Okay. Just sit down right here and have a drink, relax.

If he even looks at the door, break his legs.

Sam, the wedding frock you ordered.

I got some pretty weird looks on the bus with this thing.

There was also one rather interesting invitation.

Sam, it's Father Barry.

The other wedding party's starting to stack up in the vestibule.

I can't talk to him now, man. I got to talk to Eddie here.

I just talked to Eddie. I gotta talk to Carla.

Carla? Carla.

Yeah, Father Barry? Listen, Sam can't talk right now.

But while I got you on the phone, can I ask you a question?

Do you have to pay any membership dues to be a Catholic?

I told you I wouldn't talk to him unless he comes in here begging.

Come on, Carla, we don't have time for this nonsense.

Hey, I got an idea. Get out of your clothes.

Oh, Sammy, any other time, I'd love to. But...

I just think that, you know, you're sweaty,

you're tired and maybe you'd like to change into something else.

Well, hey, like this, for instance.

- No way. - Oh, come on. Just try it on.

You know, see how it fits just in case you want to get married someday.

- Years from now, years. - Well, you know,

- I might not be pregnant then. - Right.

- Come on. - Oh, what the heck.

This might be the last chance I'll get to see what I look like in one of these.

- Yeah. - Besides, I'm out 36 bucks.

Eddie. Eddie.

Sammy, I know what you're doing here.

You think I'm gonna get all decked out like Miss Bride-of-the-Year,

take one look in the mirror and forget all about being mad at Eddie.

Then I'm gonna go out there

and Eddie is gonna take one look at me

and forget all about his mother.

And then, we'll march down the aisle and live happily ever after.

Am I right?

Yeah, that's basically it. You got a problem with that?

No, just checking.

Here I come.

Sam, do you really mean 'woo-woo" or are you just saying "woo-woo"?

No, no, I don't say "woo-woos" lightly.

How's that?

- Okay. - Look at you.

- Okay, let's give it a shot. - All right.

Sammy, zip me.

Well, I'll be darned. These things go up, too, huh?

Oh, Carla.

Oh, you look...

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Oh, listen, let's get to the church.

We have to get married before 4:00.

Hot dog.

Care to help me with my pants?

Carla, it's your church.

- You tell them we're on our way. - Well, that's just it.

They had to go ahead with the other wedding and cancel yours.

I knew it. I knew it.

You're out of uniform.

Dear friends, you have come together in this church...

It sure was nice of the monsignor to let Carla and Eddie

get married here in the rectory chapel.

Yeah. It was kind of nice of us to buy all those raffle tickets too.

...so we welcome two souls into one.

Good Lord, it's crowded in here.

But on the upside, it does satiate

any desire I might have had to visit Tokyo.

Edward, have you come here freely, without reservation,

to give yourself to Carla in marriage?

Edward?

Carla, where's Edward?

Carla? Where's Carla?

Excuse me, excuse me. Lady with a baby.

Excuse... Would you get off the dress?

All right, all right, all right.

Crank it up, Father.

All the forces in the universe say we have to be done by 4:00.

- Do you, Edward Raymond, - Oh, no.

- Take Carla Maria Victoria - Hurry, hurry! Please hurry.

Angelina Theresa Apollonia...

Oh, rats! Why couldn't my parents have named me Judy?

Hey, here they come.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

Appearing for the first time anywhere, the happy couple,

Mr. and Mrs. Eddie LeBec.

That's a keeper.

Hey, guys, it's your wedding day. Show a little teeth here, all right?

I can't, Sammy.

We were pronounced man and wife at 4:01.

We might as well have been pronounced dead. We're doomed.

Music, music. All right, come on, you guys.

Think about all the wedding gifts you've got to open over there.

Yeah, I guess I should be grateful

Eddie didn't fall down the church steps and break his leg.

- How is it, anyway? - I think I just wrenched it a little.

You know, they don't look too happy to me.

No.

They do look married, though.

What's that ugly-looking thing?

It's not an ugly thing. It's a Wobbie.

What's a Wobbie, Webecca?

It's a Women of Boston Business Award.

I'm very proud of it. It happens to be very prestigious.

Thousands of women have won it.

What's it doing out here? You trying to impress your boss?

I'm glad you reminded me. I completely forgot he was coming.

Yeah, sure you did.

Hey, you know, every time Evan Drake's name

gets mentioned, you get a little red around the gills.

Do you have a crush on him or something?

I beg your pardon? He happens to be a married man.

Although, not happily.

Oh, you do have a crush on him.

How cute.

Oh, Evan, Evan.

Great stuffed mushrooms, Cliff ie.

Well, try the Swedish meatballs. They're out of this world.

Try them together. Together.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Do you plan on leaving any hors d'oeuvres for latecomers?

Hey, you snooze, you lose.

rumaki. Come on.

And now, folks, it's time for the traditional first dance.

And we all know who's going to start it.

Holy cow, it isn't me, is it?

Let's welcome the happy couple, Carla and Eddie, to the dance floor.

Hit me again, Harley.

Third time's a charm.

So where's your big-shot lover boy?

A, I told you he is not my lover boy.

B, the big-shot SOB is at a meeting.

C, choke on it.

Here's a happy pair.

- Say "cheeseburger." - No, not now.

All right. That was a good one.

Even with Miss Howe's eyes kind of gimpy like that.

Oh, look, look. We forgot about the dessert table.

And we call ourselves guests.

Ma, do you wanna trade partners?

Why not? I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna dance with my mother. All right?

How about a cup of coffee, huh?

Why would I do that?

Well, because I've seen a lot of ladies hit the champagne in my time.

One minute they're doing just fine.

The next minute, it kind of sneaks up on them

and they're doing all sorts of wild and crazy...

Why am I giving you coffee?

So, Eddie.

What's Mother Tortelli like in bed?

What are you looking at, pretty lady?

I'm looking at you.

Well, I'm looking back at you.

I think I'm beginning to see you in a whole new light.

Well, why don't you tell me what you see?

You have a really weird face.

Your eyebrows are growing together like a big, old, ugly caterpillar.

Oh, look, they're cutting the cake.

And now, as the hour draws late,

it's time for the bride to throw the bouquet.

Okay, come on. Come on, everybody.

You all ready?

Okay.

Heads up, you old maids.

Dr. Crane, a girl is supposed to catch the bouquet.

Well, then the girls should have been a little bit quicker.

Here, knock yourself out.

I think it's time for me to pack it in.

I don't think you're in any condition to drive, Miss Howe.

Let me give you a lift home. All right?

I don't know. I've never been alone in a car with such a hairy guy.

Are you sure you weren't in Planet of the Apes?

Can anybody else please take me home?

Hey, there's room in our car. You can sit on my lap.

Darling, you're married now. You don't have a lap.

Come on. Do you think I'm so ugly?

I'll let you get a bag and put it over my head, all right?

Just a minute. Let me get my bag.

And yours.

I'm not crazy about the way that girl flirts.

And now, folks, as the lucky couple gets ready to embark

on their new life together, let's all throw some rice,

the symbol of fertility.

I can't go out of here, Eddie.

- Why? - No, it's too dangerous.

- I'm okay. - Who are we trying to kid here?

We're living in the shadow of the curse we brought on ourselves.

I can't go on with this.

Oh, come on, Carla.

No, no, no. I think maybe we should get an annulment.

Oh, would you two stop it?

I can't believe...

This should be the happiest day of your lives

and all you've done is moan and groan all day long.

I mean, come on.

It's one thing to play along with this superstition stuff

for, you know, some fun.

But you're letting it interfere with your happiness here.

You two are wonderful.

You've got everything in your life to look forward to.

Please, please, come on, trust me.

Nothing bad is going to happen.

You got my personal word on that.

I mean, superstition, it's for the birds.

Just go on with your normal life.

- Woody, do you mind? Just... - Sam.

Fine, go ahead, answer it.

Probably just somebody who wants to know what time the bar closes.

We close at two.

Eddie, it's for you, some guy from the Bruins.

Maybe you ought to...

Probably just want to congratulate me on my wedding.

Yeah, right, that's it, that's it.

Hello.

Oh, hiya, Frank. Yeah, how's it going?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Goodbye, Frank.

Do I smell a bonus?

They cut me from the team.

They're going with the youth movement.

They tried to trade me but nobody wanted me.

I'm sorry, Carla.

I guess all the superstitions finally caught up with us.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know, I can blame a lot of things on superstition.

But you weren't the greatest goalie in the world, honey.

What are you saying to me, Carla?

Well, you know, at the end of last year, you were losing it.

And now you're older and your reflexes are shot.

Well, thanks a lot. I'm feeling a lot better already.

And if that wasn't because of superstition,

then maybe the twins aren't bad luck either.

I mean, could it be possible

that I'm just having twins because the egg split?

And maybe your mother hates me because she's stupid.

And Anthony hates you

because he takes after his no-good, rat-faced father.

And all those things that we thought were bad luck

had nothing to do with superstition.

It was just...

...life.

Unfortunately, it happens to be my life.

What the heck?

I'm married.

And in love with a great guy.

So I guess that evens things up.

No, it doesn't.

But it makes life worth living.

No, it doesn't.

But it's something.

So let's get on with it.

What do you say, hubby?

I say let's get on with the honeymoon, eh?

See you at 2 a.m. Somebody's got to work in this family.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Eddie LeBec. What'll you have?