Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

What, that cute little dimple? Well, I think I've still got it.

It's kind of hard for me to see back there.

Renee, I'm gonna have to get back to you.

Yeah, bye-bye.

Linda, sweetheart, can we continue this over lunch?

Well, your place. Don't cook.

Let me guess. Personal call?

Very.

Malone, I find winking really smarmy.

Yeah, but beneath this smarm is a lot of charm

and I think you know that.

I know this, I want you out of my office. Now.

All right, all right.

I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to get personal calls here,

but what the hey? Super-Strength Sammy's been off the shelves now

for over a year. There's a lot of pent-up demand out there.

- What can I say? - Say, "I better get back to work.

I don't want to get fired."

You're cute when you're humorless. You know that?

Cheers.

No, Simone, I'm sorry. Sam's working.

Simone? Wait, wait, wait.

Try him later at home.

Well, then perhaps on your next visit to the States.

Simone? Come on, you just cost me a roll in the hay.

- I owe you one. - You're on.

I didn't mean that! Wait, I think we need to get something--

Cliff, listen to this,

"Scientists discover wild parrot who claims to be Elvis."

So?

So, I mean, this one wins the Too Stupid for Even You, Cliff Award.

Oh, really, must you two wallow in this sensationalistic tripe?

It really pains me no end to see America's wits dulled

and her morals abrogated by this opiate of the asses.

Well, listen, and check this out, Cliff ie.

"I Was Sigmund Freud's Love Child."

No! I'd heard rumors that he'd betrayed Martha with his sister-in-law,

but I never dreamed there were progeny.

You rapscallions.

What are you whistling about, huh?

You haven't got a dime to your name,

you're working for a woman who's a meat grinder,

and you look like a baboon in that uniform.

Boy, life really stinks.

- You okay? - I feel like puke.

Well, you're wearing the right uniform.

- You wanna talk about it? - No.

What's there to say about a no-good, ice-eating little geek like Eddie LeBec?

He's known since a week ago that I got his bun in my oven,

and what the hell has he done about it? Jack diddly.

Don't look now, but your ice-eating geek just walked in.

Don't you just love him?

- Hi, Carla. - Hi, Eddie.

You busy?

Just a minute. Look, would you just write down what you want

and hand it to Howdy doody over there?

- I'm all yours. - Okay.

- So, what's new? - Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately.

- Yeah. - You know,

training camp's really been rough,

and a lot of competition at goalie,

and really having to work my tail off to keep up, eh?

- Sounds rough. - Yeah.

Say, since I'm here, there's something I've been wanting to ask you.

- Yeah? - It's a question.

I like questions.

Okay, but this is the kind of question a guy really doesn't wanna ask

if he thinks he might get "no' for an answer.

Well, it's kind of hard for a girl to give an answer

until she knows what the question is.

Okay, but it would be a lot easier for a guy if he had some sort of sign--

- Ask me, you little frog! - Okay.

- Carla, would you--? - Yes! Yes!

- Yes. - Oh, oh, thank you, thank you.

Carla, do you mind if we, you know, we keep this quiet?

You know me. I don't like a lot of hoopla.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

- Would it be okay if I just told Sam? - I guess.

Hey, Sammy, me and Eddie are getting married!

Oh, my God.

Get over here, Eddie.

- What's going on? - Great news, Miss Howe.

Carla's marrying Eddie LeBec.

Oh, that cute little guy with the dents in his nose.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Wait, wait, wait. Here we go, here we go, here we go.

I wanna be making a toast to my beautiful bride-to-be.

Listen, you know, I don't make my living using words,

so this is gonna be kind of hard for me, okay?

But here goes.

Carla...

Well, you know.

Well, you know.

Yeah.

I love you, sweetie.

Congratulations, man. This is terrific. You gonna take her on a honeymoon?

- Hey, got any suggestions? - Yeah, New Orleans.

I found a great little honeymoon spot

just kind of tucked away off Bourbon Street.

Great food, very romantic, steamy atmosphere, you know.

Yeah, I had the time of my life and then Vera tracked me down.

Well, if I get any time off from training camp,

I thought maybe Carla might like to see Waikiki.

Waikiki? Honolulu, Hawaii?

Sure, we'll hit them all.

Yeah, all right!

I only hope I can get some time off from the Howitzer.

Sorry. Miss Howitzer.

Time off? You'll be having all the time in the world.

You think I'll be having a wife of mine work in a crummy bar like this?

No of fence, Miss Howitzer.

It's Miss Howe.

Oh, take it easy. They're just complimenting your big guns.

Wait a minute. You're telling me that I don't have to work anymore?

You mean I can just sit around the house all day

eating peanut butter out of a jar and watching my toenails grow?

She's quite a catch, Ed.

Boy, you know, I'm gonna miss you around here.

Oh, Sammy, I'll drop by once in a while

to watch all you nine-to-fivers spill drinks on your butler suits.

- So when's the big day, Carla? - I'd like to do it as soon as possible

before my little hunk of back bacon here changes his mind.

Oh, no way. I'm not one of those flakes you used to go out with.

But listen, we have to get married on a day with a two in it

- because two's my lucky number. - Rats. Mine's three.

Oh, no sweat. Lucky two, lucky three.

We can get married on the 23rd or the 32nd.

- That's right, honey. - Oh, right, right, no.

Well, as long as it's not on a Wednesday.

- Oh, yeah, bad juju. - Yeah.

This is gonna be an interesting wedding.

The two most superstitious people in the world.

Hey, don't say that. It's bad luck.

Listen, whatever you do, don't make any plans afterwards

because we're gonna throw you the biggest wedding reception

- in history right here. - Oh, great!

Come on.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Force of habit. Not my place to do that. I'm sorry.

Miss Howe's gonna throw you the biggest wedding reception.

I need to talk to you right now.

- Oh, boy. Wait-- - Exactly what--

Before you say anything, let me just-- I had an idea.

Why don't you invite your boss, what's-his-name, Evan Drake?

He's a sports fan, so I hear,

and maybe he'd enjoy meeting Eddie LeBec there.

You know, you could throw him a big bash.

Impress the pants off him.

What were you gonna say?

I was going to tell you to smile more.

I didn't say smugly.

Excuse me, I have a phone call to make.

Well, hey, Eduardo, looks like you and Carla

aren't the only lovebirds in town.

- Check out Didi and David there. - Who?

Didi and David Lesofski.

The Weekly Gabber's Odd Couple of the Month.

See, she weighs in there at 480 pounds,

and he tips the scales at a mere 92.

But they're-- I mean, just look at the love in his eyes.

I think that's fear, Cliff.

Cute baby he's holding.

That's her arm, Woody.

Cute arm he's holding.

Hey, picked the date yet?

Yep. Eddie wants to do it a week from Saturday, anytime before 4 p.m.,

which is okay with my psychic as long as our auras

remain in the blue spectrum and there's no solar eclipse.

It's really tough planning a wedding, isn't it?

Tell me about it.

I'm just a little nervous about waiting eight days.

Gives Eddie an awful long time to come to his senses.

Look at him.

He's absorbed in thought over there.

Well, maybe not.

There.

The table looks nice.

Woody, don't you think the table looks nice? I think it looks nice.

- Looks nice. - You think so?

Oh, damn, I bet chuckle brain forgot to pick up the napkins.

Oh, no, Sam didn't forget.

Eddie brought these special wedding ones they had made up.

"We don't want to get married. We have to. Ha-ha."

Cute.

You see the little hillbilly with the shotgun?

Yes, he's nice, isn't he?

But I think these are just a little too funny for the reception.

Burn them.

Did you remember to get the cinnamon-almond decaf?

Yeah, I did. Who likes that?

Evan does. Everyone does.

Excuse me, Miss Howe, I know it's none of my beeswax,

but it seems to me like you're awfully nervous

about Mr. Drake coming by today.

Do you like him or something?

In a business sense, yes.

I admire his skills and accomplishments.

You like him.

Boys, we're all set up with my buddy Bruce.

He can get us the same silverware Carla picked out

from the Filene's catalogue for over two-thirds off.

Oh, yeah. So, what's the bite sky?

Twenty bucks apiece. I'll catch you guys later.

Say, Norm, there isn't any chance that this stuff

- is stolen merchandise, is there? - No, of course not.

Listen, if anyone asks, we never heard of Bruce, we can't find the receipt,

and if you run into me up on the street, call me Larry.

My mind's at ease.

Hey, Sam, what are you concocting there?

Oh, you know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are.

I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good-luck wedding punch.

Never fails.

Oh, isn't that the same stuff you made

when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?

Woody, you wanna flush this down the toilet?

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

Carla, what are you doing here on your wedding day?

Oh, actually, I came by to get my last paycheck.

See, the bridal shop has this policy about their wedding gowns:

"Fork over the jack or it stays on the rack."

So where is it?

Oh, I'm so sorry that I don't have it ready for you right this very second.

I guess I've just been busy putting up every single decoration

and ordering all the hors d'oeuvres and getting a band together

at the very last minute so that your reception

could be just perfect for you.

Could you step on it? I'm in a hurry.

Soda, bartender.

Coming right up.

So how's the bride on her big day?

Couldn't be better, Sammy. All celestial omens are favorable.

Seems that Eddie and I picked the one day of this century

when all the planets and constellations are in perfect alignment.

So either we get married by 4:00 today

or we wait until the year 2042.

I don't know. Call me old-fashioned,

but I still think you ought to get married before your baby does.

How did you manage to swing a church wedding?

You know, being divorced and all?

Don't you remember? I had my marriage to Nick annulled years ago.

Oh, right, right, right. It took forever.

But things got speeded up

when Nick tried to sell the bishop his watch.

Hey, isn't that Eddie LeBec sashaying down those stairs there, Doc?

It sure looks like it.

But Carla's here. isn't there some superstition about the groom

seeing the bride before the wedding?

Nobody believes in that anymore.

- You saw me. - I saw you.

- I saw you see me. - I saw you see me see you.

Shut up, you're making it worse.

Oh, my God. We were so careful about every single thing

and then we blew the single most important superstition of all.

Seeing the bride on the day of the wedding.

- What are you doing here? - I was meeting my mother.

- What are you doing here? - I came by to get my check.

That's it. We've blown it. We can't get married now.

Call me in 2042.

Yeah, okay, I'll see you.

You guys are kidding. Come on, now. Eddie.

What am I doing?

Carla.

Look, I don't wanna give up the best thing that ever happened to me.

Oh, come off it, Eddie. You're just as superstitious as I am.

Well, not anymore.

And I'm gonna prove to you there's nothing to all that mumbo jumbo.

Woody, hand me a mirror.

You know, the one Sam's always looking at himself in.

- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna break it.

The bad luck is starting already. He's lost his mind.

Hey, that's my mirror.

You see? Nothing.

The ground didn't open up and swallow me.

That's because they want you out in the open

where lightning can get you.

Don't do that!

Which shoulder do you throw salt over to avoid bad luck?

The left, the left.

No! No, no. Forgive him, demons of hell, he's a hockey player.

Don't. Don't answer it. Don't, don't.

- Cheers. - Thanks, Woody.

Carla, it's for you.

Go on. Go on, answer it.

- Yeah. - Would you take it?

Come on.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Dr. Natelson.

How did my tests come out?

You've gotta be kidding.

What? What is it?

Twins.

He spills the salt, he breaks the mirror, and I'm the one having twins!

I told you something horrible was gonna happen.

What is so bad?

Twins means we're twice blessed.

Yeah, I had twins once.

It was the happiest day of my life.

Oh, lighten up, lighten up.

Carla. Carla, this is great.

Eddie.

You're really happy about this?

I'm the happiest man on Earth.

Listen, Carla, you and me, we can--

We can overcome any obstacles that are in our way.

You're a great guy, Eddie.

Dumb as a skate blade, but a great guy.

Ma!

Oh, my baby's home!

You see, I knew things would look up.

- What's wrong? - Ma, nothing. Everything's aces.

It's just that, hey, when you called about getting remarried,

I realized how much I love you.

I just wanted to be with you on this day.

And?

And Dad's TV shop went under.

We got evicted, and I can't get unemployment

because Daddy didn't claim me an employee.

Well, I'm just glad my little boy's here for my wedding.

What about his lovely wife?

I'm just glad my little boy's here for my wedding.

Actually, Mother Tortelli, we didn't wanna return to Vegas.

We don't think it's any place for children to grow up.

- You're having a kid? - I'm talking about us.

So if we could find someone here in Boston

with a nice house and lots of extra room...

Do you know anyone like that, Mother Tortelli?

No, no, no. You don't wanna come live in my little, tiny, overcrowded house.

Ma, it's just temporary. Just till I get back on my feet.

Hey, if it's a problem, we'll find someplace else to stay.

Yeah, I think I saw a nice cardboard box in the alley.

See? See? What did I tell you?

This is the bad luck I've been warning you about.

Carla, don't worry about it. I mean, the more the merrier.

Look, I'm gonna get a major salary bump this season

and then I'll buy us all the biggest house in Boston.

- A new house? - Well, you bet.

Now do you finally believe that nothing bad is gonna happen?

No. I'll just have more closet space when it does.

Anthony, I'm Eddie LeBec.

I guess I'm your new stepfather.

I'm hoping one day you'll call me Dad.

Hey, Nick Tortelli is my dad.

You are not my father and you never will be!

- Anthony! - You only knocked up my Ma

so she'd have to marry you.

Ma, I'm sorry, the guy was asking for it.

Come on, Annie, let's go.

Forgive him. He has the hot passion of his race.

And I have the envy of every woman I know.

Well, this is it.

This is the bad luck.

I mean, what could be worse than my kid hating my husband?

Look, it's okay. He's just a kid.

Oh, you don't get it, Eddie. He's the nicest one I got.

Look, Carla, he's just being protective of his mother.

I mean, God knows that I think my mom

is the greatest woman on Earth.

And I can only hope that our kids feel the same way.

Are you from this planet?

- Carla, here's your final paycheck. - Thank you.

I might say that you have been a unique employee,

and it's gonna be very difficult to fill your uniform.

- Thanks. - You don't happen to know

any other short pregnant cocktail waitresses, do you?

- Yeah? Can I help you? - Eddie LeBec.

Mama!

Carla.

Carla.

Carla.

Mama. Mama.

- Carla! - No, no, Mama.

No, no, no. Me, Rebecca.

Her, Carla.

Enjoy.

- Carla? - I'm so happy to meet you.

Ma.

Ma.

Mama.

Mama.

She says she has to catch a bus.

Mama!

I get the feeling she wasn't nuts about me.

- What'd she say? - What makes you think I'd know?

Because all you pompous windbags speak French.

Well, she said she'll never allow this marriage,

especially to a pregnant hussy who's only trying to trap her son.

Then she said she'd rather be dragged around town by her tongue.

Or else she called you a small grapefruit.

Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, wait a minute.

Before you say anything, I know what your mother said.

And it doesn't matter to me.

You finally convinced me

that our love can conquer any bad luck that comes our way.

I mean it. Anthony and Annie moving in.

Your ma hating me. Anthony hating you. Twins.

I mean, every time one of these little piddly things came up,

I kept thinking you were gonna say,

- 'The wedding's off.' - The wedding's off.

Yeah. That's what I kept expecting you to say.

- The wedding's off. - Yeah, yeah,

we're all clear on what I thought you'd say.

The wedding's off.

But you never said it.