All language subtitles for Cheers.S05E21.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Well, I'm out of here, I guess.

Going to stop over at the health club.

You belong to a health club?

Yeah. Vera gave me a membership
for my birthday.

Real subtle, huh?

You actually go there and work out?

Yeah, I try to do about 25
in the pool every day.

- Laps?
- Cannonballs.

Great, Miss Harville. Thanks!

- Hot dog.
- What's up?

They just delivered my new mattress.

Finally, a decent night's rest.

So now all I got to do is figure out
what to do with my old mattress.

Any suggestions?

Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.

Will they send a truck?

Hey, Frasier. The usual?

Not just yet.
I'm meeting a friend for a drink.

Simon Finch-Royce.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce,
the noted marriage counselor?

No, Dr. Finch-Royce, the circus geek.

Yes, of course, the marriage counselor.

We were students together
when I was a Rhodes Scholar.

Wow. You were a roads scholar?

Tell me this.

How come the stuff
they fill in the potholes with

is darker than the rest of the road?

I don't know, Woody. I missed that day.

Now it's come back to haunt you.

Sam, Simon Finch-Royce
is an eminent psychotherapist

who specializes in marital relations.

Does eminent by any chance
mean rich and single?

Anyway, Sam, I think it's safe to say

that he has saved hundreds--nay,
thousands--

Of troubled marriages.

It's even rumored that he had a hand
in helping Chuck and Di.

Speaking of that,
why don't you upchuck and die?

Three little maids from school are we

Pert as a schoolgirl well may be

Filled to the brim with girlish glee

Three little maids from school

Sam, you want me to call the police?

No cause for alarm.

Simon and I did the spring musical
together at Oxford.

It was The Mikado.

Simon played Pitti-Sing
and I was Yum-Yum.

And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

Good to see you, Simon.
How was your flight?

Relatively crash-free.

Can I buy you a drink?

Yes, a beer, but none of that
weak-kneed American beer.

Give me a little something
with hair on it.

Here I am.

So... you married?

Yes, quite happily.

Too bad. You could have been
my first Englishman.

No, wait. There was that one other guy,

but he was so white,
I kept losing him in the sheets.

Do we know her?

Yes, that's Carla.

Have her scrubbed and sent to my tent.

Sam, a Guinness for my friend.

Guinness, coming right up.

Simon, by the way,
Sam Malone, Woody Boyd.

- Simon.
- Howdy.

And this is Diane Chambers.

How do you do?

Delighted to make your acquaintance.

You're so much taller
than you looked on your book jacket.

Yes, well, you see,
the book's only about that big.

That must be it.

So what brings you here?

I'm accepting an honorary degree.

It's nothing much, just a small college,

but any excuse to pop over the pond...

Doc, hi, I'm Norm Peterson.

I have to tell you that my wife is
a big fan of yours, sir.

She reads all those
marriage improvement books.

Great. Have they helped?

They've helped me.
It gives her something to do in bed.

Let's go on over here
where it's a little quieter.

Splendid idea.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Frasier, please join us.

Sam, may I have a seltzer, please?

You know, I had a thought.

Sam and I are about to be married,

and dare I ask,
could you be persuaded

to possibly have
a session or two with us?

- Diane--
- I think it's a capital idea.

Well, then let it be
my wedding gift to you.

I was considering the gravy boat,

but I think our relationship
transcends mere crockery.

Are you sure you don't mind?

No at all. I'm a terrible workaholic.

Also it'll be refreshing
to work with a couple

who are not on the brink of disaster.

Will you excuse us for a minute here?

Can I talk to you a minute, please?

Excuse me.

Why do you want to do this?
We're not in trouble.

We're not even married yet.

Marriage counselors aren't just
for people who are having troubles.

His expertise will help us

lay a solid foundation
for our married life.

Now, what say we give it a go?

What's with this English accent?

Ever since he walked in here,
you've been talking like the Queen

was your Aunt Betty or something.

Oh, tosh. What twaddle.

See?

So if you Brits ever
find yourself in trouble

against another major military power
like Argentina,

don't worry about a thing.

We Yanks will be there to bail you out

just like we did
during the last two big ones.

Cliff ie!
Cliff, there's a gentleman over here

who thinks you know absolutely nothing
about photosynthesis.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Where is he? I'll straighten him out.

So, doctor, when should we begin?

Why not right now?

Sure. Is there anywhere
with a little privacy?

Well, there's Sam's office.

You don't mind, do you Sam?
Of course you don't.

Oh, lovely.

Simon, this is strictly professional.
I want you to bill me for this.

Oh, right.

I want you to completely disregard
our years and years of friendship

when determining your fee.

Oh, well, whatever you say.

I mean it, now.

I'll hear nothing of that 40%
psychiatrist courtesy discount

that's customary here in the States.

I wouldn't dream of insulting you.

Well, I'm glad we worked that out.

Well now, where to begin?

Usually at this point,

you would tell me what a loathsome,
contemptible swine he is

and you'd describe in some detail
what a wanton libidinous trollop she is.

But as you're only engaged,
we'll just have to look forward to that.

When I was on staff at the London
psychiatric hospital,

- just after my divorce--
- Excuse me.

- You've been divorced?
- Yes, I have.

That's great.

Sam, I can say to you with pride,
yes, I've been divorced

because it is only from our failures
that we gain knowledge.

Consequently, I was able
to make a much better choice

of a second wife.

Perhaps my vision was clearer
for the tears that I shed.

You are the wisest man I know.

High praise, indeed. Well, now...

I need to begin to get to know you two.

So, Diane, why don't you start.

Well, they say you don't have
prenatal memories,

but I have a distinct
in-utero recollection

of a Fourth of July concert
my mother attended.

There was at least...

Then he proposed to me,
in, of all places, a court of law.

This time I acquiesced
and agreed to become Mrs. Malone...

Which brings us here today.

You know, my wife has a skirt
very similar to the one you're wearing.

Sam, a little of your history, please.

Right. All right, okay.

Let's see.

It was August 5, 1973,
I got my first Major League save.

It was in Baltimore.

Sam, you don't have to go
into all of that.

If you can go back to the womb,

I can go back to the damn Oriole
double-header.

Anyway... sweltering day.

Frank Robinson had been
killing me all season.

...happened every single time.

No matter what town you were in,

these women would just hang around
outside your locker room,

complete strangers,
and throw themselves at you?

Yeah. It was great.

Well... moving on.

Now, what are the keys
to a successful marriage?

There are numerous schools of thought.

Many experts claim
the most important single ingredient

in a marriage is...

- Quickly now.
- Love.

- Sex.
- Honesty.

Because from honesty springs...

- Fidelity.
- Sex.

Yes, trust.

I was going to say that.

Well, those people are wrong.

Now, during the course of my counseling,

I've come up with an number
of scenarios, the responses to which

give very useful pointers
to a couple's compatibility.

So, Sam, we'll start with you.

- You're on your honeymoon.
- With... Diane?

With Diane.

Now, the two of you
are on a tropical beach

wearing nothing but your swimming togs.

Doctor, I do have a tendency to freckle.

Diane is wearing a big hat.

Sam, you see a woman walk by.

Her flesh is tawny from the tropic sun.

Her proud yet supple bosoms

heave mightily against the constraints
of her tiny bikini.

You think she's the most beautiful
creature that you have ever seen.

At this moment, Diane turns to you and
says, "a penny for your thoughts."

Do you share them with her?

Gee, that's... hard to say.

When you say bikini,
is it that French cut?

Sam!

I'm just trying to clarify things here.

All right, do I tell her?

No, of course not.

You wouldn't trust me to handle that?

Well, yes, of course I would.
Did I say no? I meant yes.

All right, Diane.

It's your wedding night.

You and Sam have just made love.

Sam has not performed to your
satisfaction.

He asks you how it was.

Do you tell him?

I never have before.

I'm kidding.

I tell you I'm kidding.

Of course I wouldn't tell him.
It would hurt his feelings.

Fine. I just have to
express my appreciation

that you're being so open with me.

I've heard enough.

- That's it?
- That's all he has to hear.

The good doctor is a brilliant man.

I'm sure he has a complete handle
on our relationship.

Yes, I have.

You two should not only not get married,
you should never see each other again.

What?

I'm sorry to be so blunt,
but sometimes a surgeon

has to cut in order to cure.

Well, what's the problem?

Would that there were only one,
but there are so many.

I see what you mean.

First of all and most obviously,
you have absolutely nothing in common.

Then on top of that, you have
an appalling lack of communication.

What about the idea
that opposites attract?

The song of the truly desperate. Well...

Take it from who has observed
dozens of failed marriages,

the only thing that
opposites attract is divorce.

Wait, don't go. What should we do?

Well, think yourselves lucky.
You found out now.

Saved yourselves years, perhaps decades,
of pain and heartache.

Cheerio.

Simon, I've signed a blank check.

Now, remember, no favors.
I want you to fill in your regular fee.

As you wish. Thanks. Excuse me.
I must dash back to the hotel.

Just for my ledger,
what amount shall I fill in?

Fifteen hundred dollars.

Fine. Fifteen hundred dollars. Done.

Pretentious limey bastard.

Well, what am I saying?

It was your wedding gift,
and he is the best.

The man's a quack.

Imagine he had the nerve to say
that Sam and I shouldn't get married,

that we have absolutely
nothing in common.

Excuse me, Diane,
what exactly do you two have in common?

Well, we...

Wait a minute. Somebody's suggesting

Sam and Diane aren't right
for each other.

Where have I heard that before?

Of course, my prayers.

What are we going to do?

We're going to get married, of course.

We're not going to listen
to that sack of fish and chips.

Wait a minute.

Why, that wily old bird.

He's brilliant.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

First, he's brilliant,

then he's a quack,
and now he's brilliant again?

Don't you see? It was a test.

He was testing our resolve
in the face of his pronouncement.

Come on, let's go to his hotel.

No, I don't want to do that. Come on.

We have to prove to him
that we are indivisible.

I can't believe that I almost fell
for the oldest trick in the book.

Come on.

I thought the oldest trick
in the book was the one

where the guy tells you you
got a spot on your shirt.

Then when you look down...
he flicks your nose.

Woody, you do have a spot
on your shirt there.

No, no, no, Mr. Clavin.

I'm not falling for that.

Wait, wait.
You got a spot right there.

Yeah, right. You're not
gonna make me look like a dope.

No, darling, I've settled in
for the evening.

I'm desperate for a bit
of peace and quiet,

so I'll just have a bite to eat
and a bath and pop into bed.

That pompous twit
Frasier Crane says hello.

As bad as usual if not worse.

Though you may be amused to know
I stuck him for $1,500.

Excuse me, darling.
Someone's at the door.

Shall we say-- Yes, all right.

Yes, I love you, too.

Hello, doctor.

This is a surprise.

Sorry about this. We didn't
catch you on the hopper, did we?

No, but thanks for asking. Come in.

This will only take a moment.

You know, you're a very clever man.

It wasn't until after you'd left
that we realized

you were merely testing our resolve.

So we stand before you now

as proof we are steadfast
in our devotion to one another.

Well, that's very lovely,
but it wasn't a test.

Listen to him, Sam.
It's yet another test.

I'm afraid I haven't made myself
sufficiently clear.

You two are an accident...

...waiting to marry.

Well, you couldn't be more wrong.

If you only knew the enormous
obstacles we've overcome,

you'd know we're destined
to die in each other's arms.

Because although
we are very different people,

our hearts mesh together perfectly.

We have achieved symbiosis.

Not every time, but it's close.

- Sorry about this.
- Aren't we all?

All I'm saying is maybe he's right.

Maybe we should give it some thought.
Maybe we should wait.

Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.

Maybe you'll do me the honor
of sticking a sock in it!

I take it it didn't go so well?

He claims it wasn't a test.

If you ask me,
his methods are highly suspect.

How can he say that we're mismatched
on the basis of two silly questions?

I didn't even answer mine accurately.

I said what I thought he wanted to hear.

Sam, did you answer the way
you wanted to answer

or the way you thought
he wanted you to answer,

or the way you thought
I wanted you to answer.

I don't know, I got confused
after the babe in the bikini walked by.

Well, Diane,
did you tell Simon all this?

No, I didn't.

But I'm going to now. Come on, Sam.

We just came back from that hotel.
I'm not going back there again.

This is a crucial point
in our relationship.

I am starved. I haven't eaten all day.
Come on.

Both of you, go to Finch-Royce.
Tell him the truth.

Let him make and accurate
assessment of your relationship.

- All right.
- You owe it to me, you owe it to him,

and most of all,
you owe it to yourselves.

Don't come back until you're fully
satisfied.

I don't care how long it takes.

Bye. Thank you.

Fifteen hundred bucks, my butt.

Frasier Crane can play hardball, too.

If you need anything else,
just let me know.

Thank you. Are you sure the soup
is piping hot this time?

Yes, sir. I burned myself on the bowl.

Excellent.

How lovely to see you again.
What's it been, 30 minutes?

I'm sorry to barge in.
I hope we're not disturbing you.

Actually I was just about
to have my dinner.

Dinner?

Yes, I don't want to sound rude,

but I actually would like to eat it
while it's hot.

I'm sorry. This is simply
too important to put it off.

It's been preying on our minds.

We really can't think of anything else.

- Isn't that right, Sam?
- Yeah, right.

- Are you gonna eat those crackers?
- Yes, I am!

Now, would you please just say
whatever it is you've come to say?

Very well. From the moment
of your pronouncement,

we felt that you were wrong,
and now we realize why.

We gave you the wrong answers
to your questions about the honeymoon.

We've thought it over, and now we want
to give you our real answers.

Yes, well, it doesn't matter
what you say now, you see?

What matters is your first response,
your gut reaction.

You've had two hours
to think about it now.

Yes, well, sometimes
it takes Sam two hours

to come up with his first thought.

I don't appreciate that.

It was your stupid idea
to come here in the first place.

All of sudden he says
something you don't like,

and now you don't believe him anymore?

Well, he's wrong.

He doesn't know what
he's talking about.

Don't you think he's capable
of making a mistake?

That's highly unlikely,
although I did let the two of you in.

Excuse me...

Come on, let's get out of here.

I'm starved. I want to go have some
dinner. You want to join me?

Please say yes.

I wondered what was keeping you.

I was beginning to get worried.

Did we get you out of the shower?

No. The soup was so hot,
it set off the sprinkler system.

Sam and I have been to the library,
and we've done extensive research.

We're here to tell you
that you are full of rubbish!

How thoughtful.
Most people would only have phoned.

Now, if you'll just examine
the parts that I have marked--

I think I've shown
remarkable restraint so far,

but I have had just about enough.

I've said that you're not compatible,

and you have done nothing
to show me otherwise.

Look, I don't know
what we're supposed to do

or what we're supposed to say,

but we're here fighting
for our lives together!

Now, doesn't that count
for something?

No.

Why not?

Well, let me answer you this way.

Sam, do you really want to be here?

- No.
- What do you mean?

I mean no. I don't want to be here.
This whole thing was your stupid idea.

What do we care if this guy
doesn't think we should get married?

Nobody we know
thinks we should get married.

We don't go bugging them
in the middle of the night, do we?

All right.
What do you suggest we do?

Nothing.

That's your solution
to everything-- nothing!

Is that what you're going to do
for the rest of your life, nothing?

I haven't decided yet.

I've grown to hate them.

That's it. I've died and gone to hell.

Doctor...

There's one thing
you haven't considered.

Right. Fine. All right. Okay...

Sam, Diane...

You two are perfect together.

I'm sorry I made a mistake,

but I now see that you're
the most perfectly matched couple

on the face of the earth.

But why am I telling you this?

Let's share it with the rest
of the world, shall we?

Hear this, world!

The rest of you can stop
getting married now.

It's been done to perfection.

Envy them, sofa! Envy them, chair!

For you shall never be as cozy as they,

for I guarantee their marriage

will be a total,
epoch-shattering success.

And I stake my life on it!

Quick! Let me put that on record!

I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce,
being of sound mind,

declare that Sam and Diane shall
be together throughout all eternity,

and if I am wrong, I hereby promise
that I will take my own life

in the most disgusting manner possible.

Here, take the tape--
No, take the whole machine.

It's my wedding gift to you.
To you--the most perfect couple

since the dawn of time!

See?