Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hi, Wood. Let me get a beer, will ya?

Oh, say, what did you do to your thumb there?

Oh, well, it's a long story,

but I was playin' this guy some pool last night,

and I had this one-four-seven combination.

I was tryin' to show off and sink all in one shot,

but the balls were positioned in such a way that I had to lean over the edge

of the table and get in a kind of a twisted-up...

- You fell and broke your thumb. - No. I still couldn't get the shot,

so I went and got the bridge and I got up on a chair

and I put my weight on the bridge.

It snapped, you fell and broke your thumb?

No. I made the shot and I beat the guy.

He got angry and he broke your thumb, right?

No, I beat him fair and square. He paid me ten bucks he owed me.

- So, how did you break your thumb? - I slipped on the ice on the way home.

Woody, why did you go into all that long-winded detail about the game?

Well, it wouldn't have been much of a story without the pool stuff.

Yo, Woody.

- What happened to your thumb? - Oh, I slipped on the ice.

Woody, why didn't you tell him the long drawn-out version?

That's the guy I was playin' pool with.

What the hell is keepin' Diane? I'm gonna be late for school.

School, Carla? I'm delightfully astonished.

Adult education is one of the finest gifts one can give oneself.

Kudos on joining the burgeoning ranks of enlightened, wondering minds

- seeking betterment through knowledge. - It's traffic school, you nimrod.

- You got pinched, Carla? - Yeah, speeding.

But it wasn't my fault. There was a leaf stuck on my windshield,

and I had to gun her up to 80 to blow it off.

- The cop didn't believe ya? - No. Couldn't be bribed either.

Carla, what, you offered the policeman money?

Money? With a body like this?

Hello, everyone. We're back.

- Sammy, where ya been, man? - Picking china patterns.

This may have been the stupidest morning of my life.

Oh, Sam, don't forget. Tomorrow we register for flatware.

- The second stupidest. - Did you select something nice?

We've committed to Royal Doulton's Carlisle for the fine china,

but Sam still hasn't made up his mind about the everyday ware.

Yes, I have. I like the dishes with the different colored flowers.

Ish.

Come on, I love those. They're just like I had when I was a kid.

They're real pretty,

and if you don't like the food on your plate, you can hide it in the pattern.

Okay, fine.

Well, why don't you think about it

and if you still insist that they're not the most garish, bourgeois,

stomach-turningly ugly pattern in the book, then that's what we'll get.

She's makin' me nuts with this wedding stuff!

So ditch her!

You know, if I had my way, I would find the nearest justice of the peace

and tie the knot. You know, that's not such a bad idea.

Right. Or you could ditch her.

- Don't you have traffic school? - Nuts! Now I'm gonna be late!

Well, I guess I can make it if I run all the yellows.

- Sam. - Yeah?

I've got Penelope from the bridal registry on the line,

and we're going back over the linen choices.

Now for the fingertip towels in the guest bath,

do we want monogrammed or is that too wootsy?

The second thing you said.

I agree.

Of course, a simple initial can be elegant.

You better look at the picture. I need a man's opinion.

Frasier, help Diane, will you?

Sam, these will be our fingertip towels for the rest of our lives.

We'd better get married quick, or I'm gonna kill her.

All right, all right, that's it. Bachelor party here, tonight.

- What're you talkin' about? - Didn't you hear the man?

They might be eloping. And I'm not gonna be done out of my right as best man

to throw him the best wingding of the century.

- So, what're we gonna have...? - Stop, Cliff.

Sam asked you to be his best man?

Well, not in so many words, but, you know, who's closest? So...

Hold on now. I don't know.

I may not have known Sam as long as some of you guys,

but we're pretty darn close. I'm kinda like the brother he never had.

Wait, Woody, Sam has a brother.

Guess we're not as close as I thought.

I think we better throw the greatest bachelor party

for the greatest bachelor who ever lived!

I'll pick up some deli platters and some champagne,

and you guys can just reimburse me at your leisure. All right?

Why didn't you say so?

We got the food and the drinks taken care of. We need entertainment.

- Who's gonna entertain? - I think the tradition calls for...

- What about a stag film? - Yeah.

There's a place on my route that might sell 'em.

The Hot and Nasty Video Boutique.

I think there might be one or two laying around there.

We got the food, drink, entertainment.

Now all we need is a girl jumping out of the cake.

I've seen 'em do that in the movies all the time.

That seems like a waste of good cake to me.

Woody, the cake is really immaterial.

- It's the girl who's the dessert. - Right.

Then I think it should be Miss Chambers.

Listen, tractor-boy.

No guy wants his fiancée jumpin' out of a cake.

It's like takin' your mother to the prom.

So I'm told.

Okay, okay, okay, so where can we get Sammy someone hot?

- Dare we look in his book? - Nah, Sammy's had all those girls.

Sam, stop being such a grumble-bunny.

Just grit your teeth and pick out a dust ruffle.

I still say we're missin' a bet under our noses.

Trust me...

That's okay. Listen, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

- No, no, no, no! - Don't!

- Excuse me, Miss Chambers? - Yes, Woody.

Would you like to jump out of Sam's bachelor party cake?

Woody,

I abhor such juvenile, sexist male rituals.

Yeah, but would you do it?

Just checkin'. All right, you're right.

We're gonna have to find some other beautiful girl to be Sam's dessert.

Wait a minute!

I just realized why you want me, the bride-to-be,

to jump from the cake. It's a wonderful irony.

- Of course. I'll do it. Of course. - Oh, great.

Imagine me, of all people, missing the point of a joke.

Hey, don't worry about it, Miss Chambers. It even happens to me.

- Sammy, what time you got there, man? - 11.15.

11.15. How did it get so late so early?

Better be gettin' home to Vera.

- Oh, yeah. - I'm pretty beat myself.

It's been a rough week. But anyway...

Yeah, you know what they say: "The early bird catches the obsessive-compulsive."

'Night, Sam.

They sure took off in a hurry, didn't they?

Yeah, but that doesn't seem suspicious to you, does it?

No, I guess not.

Oh, hey, I have an idea.

You go in the back and total these receipts, and we'll get outta here.

Okay. All right.

Say, Woody, when I come back out here,

there's not gonna be a surprise for me, is there? A surprise party, maybe?

- No! - You're not lyin', are you?

Sam, you'd know if I was lyin'. I'd tell ya.

- Right. I'll be in my office. - All right.

Come on in, guys. He didn't suspect a thing!

Come on down, fellas.

Put that banner up there.

Be calm.

In the words of the immortal bard, "Party!"

Sam, you can go home now.

Surprise!

Wow!

Sam, you should see the look on your face!

Hey!

Great stuff!

Boy.

That last scene gave me new respect for rowing machines.

Hey, you guys...

Thank you. This has been fantastic.

I used to think bachelor parties were kind of embarrassing.

- Hit the lights! - Oh, God, not...

- Girl in there, right? - Well...

Just your type.

So make the obligatory speech and have at her! Yeah!

Oh, no, I can't do it. I... You know... No.

I know you went to a lot of trouble. I'm sorry, but it just wouldn't be right.

Come on, Sammy.

King of the road!

Better make hay. After this, it is one woman for the rest of your life.

Yeah...

I never really thought about it in those terms before.

One woman for the rest of my life.

I mean, don't get me wrong. She's a great woman,

but... there's only one of her.

For the rest of my life.

But, you know, it'll go quickly. Just cut--

Boy, it really makes you think. I've been a bachelor a good long time.

I mean, a good lot of women. Now there won't be any more women.

Just woman. One woman.

Yeah, but what a woman! I mean, you know what?

I've got an idea. Why don't we have some cake?

One perfume. One set of ear lobes.

Not even sensitive ear lobes.

One pair of lips, flapping in my ears.

Day after day until I die. Oh, my God!

Sammy, that's great. We got a big, wonderful cake here.

With a very special surprise inside,

which just might spoil if you don't shut up!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What am I doing?

If I'm gonna tie myself to the old ball and chain,

I might as well get one last night of freedom in here.

Okay, bring her out here. Strap her on.

Come on. Yeah!

Strap this on!

Sam, you should see the look on your face!

- Hi, guys. - Hey, Carla, how was traffic school?

- Yeah, it was all right. - Yeah?

Don't all those gory movies they show turn your stomach a bit?

Norm, you're forgetting. I've seen Diane without make-up.

- Hello, everyone. - Hi.

- Hello, you. - Let me help you with that. All right.

Boy, you look fantastic. That is a great outfit on you.

- Sam, you make a lousy sycophant. - Yes, but I make a great margarita.

May I speak to you in your office?

Anything you want. You bet. Oh, come on, smile.

For some reason, I don't feel like smiling.

Did I ever tell you how cute you are when you're mad?

Come on. Listen, snap out of this, will ya?

I didn't say all that stuff last night to hurt your feelings.

My feelings aren't hurt.

I just feel bad for you.

Sentenced to a life with one perfume.

One set of insensitive ear lobes.

One set of lips flapping in your ear...

...till you die.

Come on! I was with a bunch of guys. They forced me to make a speech.

How the hell did I know my fiancée was hiding in the cake taking dictation?

- Did you mean it, Sam? - No.

It's just this whole marriage thing

just kinda snuck up on me, that's all.

I'm happy that you're the only woman I'll ever make love to again...

...ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but... you see,

I mean, if I had known that the last one was gonna be the last one,

I would have prepared myself for it.

Sweetheart, it's kinda like popcorn.

Now you can munch away as long as you know there's a bowlful,

but if all of a sudden it's all gone,

there's nothin' left but the salt and the duds,

you feel bad because if you'd known the last kernel was the last one,

you would have savored it.

Am I making myself clear on this?

Oh, yes, yes. I'm salt and duds.

I don't know.

I don't know what to say to make this right except I'm sorry.

Would 24 hours of wild, uninhibited,

hedonistic sexual carousing with anything in a tube top suffice?

In addition to saying I'm sorry?

Sam, you can apologize till the cows come home,

but it won't alleviate the problem.

After much consideration, I propose that you go on a flesh binge.

Sow your wild oats. Get it out of your system.

Savor your last kernel of popcorn.

- Are you serious? - Absolutely.

It's the only way we can establish a clean slate.

No guilt, no remorse, no regrets.

So, dive into that little black book of yours and enjoy.

I threw that dumb thing away when we got engaged.

I'm sure you have one or two numbers etched in your memory.

You listen to me.

I'm only gonna agree to do this because I love you, Diane.

Well, don't do it for me, Sam.

Do it for the health of our future marriage.

Excuse me, when do my 24 hours begin?

- Right now. - All right.

- The same as mine. - Okay. Wait, wait.

- Yours? - Of course, Sam.

This is the only way we can be sure

that I have all other men out of my system.

No, no...

Sammy back yet?

Well, T-minus 30 minutes and counting.

I figure right about now,

Sammy's probably leaning back in bed and smokin'.

I don't remember ever seein' Sammy smoke a cigarette.

Who said anything about cigarettes?

- The man! - All right!

- What's the score, Sammy? - You know he's not the kind of guy

to kiss and tell. Not that he wastes much time kissin'.

Yeah, you guys know me, all right.

So has anyone heard from Diane?

Not a word. It's been heaven. Are you worried about her?

I'm not worried. What makes you think I'm worried?

- What time is it, anyway? - It's time for you to stop worryin'.

For God's sakes, Sammy, who'd be stupid enough to touch Diane?

Besides you.

Good point. You know, yeah, why am I worried about her?

Oh, Rick, you really came through.

Sam! Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Rick was kind enough to drive me to work

when my car broke down.

I knew that.

I just wanted to give him a thank you shake.

Thank you, thank you.

Maybe I'll take a rain check on that drink.

- Good luck with your marriage. - Yes. Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you, Rick.

Well, I guess I'll just begin my shift.

- Like hell you will! - Sam! Now, Sam! Sam!

All right, where were you last night?

I was taking full advantage of my 24 hours.

I looked into the recesses of my heart,

and I realized that I still had one oat that needed to be sown.

One fantastic oat.

Is that all you think about? Sex.

You know, it's disgusting!

Whatever happened to romance? To commitment?

Look at you, look at you! You haven't even changed your dress!

I am wearing this dress again because I like it.

- It sets off my eyes. - Yeah, I'll set off your eyes!

You wanna know something? I had the exact same 24 hours you did,

and I didn't do anything. You know why? Because I happen to be a one-woman guy.

We got something special going,

and I didn't want to cheapen it, like somebody else I could mention.

You know, people could refer to you as a tart.

- How can you say that? - Easy. Tart!

Tart, tart, tart, tart!

I mean, what else do you call somebody who didn't go home?

How do you know that?

Because I was idiot enough to spend the entire night

watching your apartment from my car. And you did not go home.

Well, you must be exhausted.

That's right! I'm exhausted. You're damn right I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on, Sam. Now you had a little catnap around 6am.

Did not.

How'd you know that?

Because I was down the street in my car watching you watch me.

Oh, my God! You spied on me! I mean that stinks.

What happened to faith?

What happened... what happened to trust?

God...

Sam!

I took a lover's leap of faith

in granting you sexual carte blanche for the past 24 hours.

And just as my heart suspected, instead of gallivanting about,

you spent the whole time spying on me.

I had one last night to go out and have a great time,

and I blow it.

God, I'm a poor excuse for a stud.

I don't know about that.

We still have five minutes left in our deal.

Five minutes?

Well, hell, somebody should have told me that.

Damn it!

- How long did you say we have here? - Five minutes.

Not enough time. Now come on, Sam.

- We'd better skip to the good parts. - Come on.

I have to go to work! Sam!