All language subtitles for Cheers.S04E04.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Hey, Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody,
I got a letter from my dog.

Pretty spiffy handwriting for a dog.

Well, it's not actually
from my dog.

My mom writes the letters
as if they're from my dog, Truman.

Weird beyond imagination, Norm.

Listen to this,

"Dear Woody,
Boy, what a great day I had.

I pulled all the laundry
off the line,

chewed up your father's
bowling shoes,

and grabbed a Yankee pot roast
off the table. Yum, yum."

Isn't that cute?

The mutt eats better than I do.

"By the way, now that you're
not here to keep me in line,

your mother's thinking
about putting me to sleep.

I certainly wouldn't blame her,

and I don't want you to either
after I'm gone."

Sam, cover me.
I gotta make a phone call.

- Drinks are up.
- Right away.

I need a vodka Gibson, up,
a bloody Mary,

a Johnnie Walker black,
two Beck's, and change for a 20.

- Change for a 20, Sam.
- Damn!

Carla's been on the phone
for two hours here.

She probably got an obscene
phone call and won't let him off.

Okay, five, ten, ten, 20.

Can you believe it, Sam?
How far I've come?

Right before your eyes,
I've turned into a waitressing machine.

Even in this pandemonium,

I have everything
perfectly under control.

There you go.

And here's your
change for the 20.

Thank you.

See what I mean?

Always sit at her station.

Did you hear that, Sam?

Still busy.

Sam, I've got to get home

and start preparing for that interview
for the part-time job.

What interview?

You know, the teaching assistant
at the college.

Oh, right.
All right, go on, take off.

Woody and I
will take care of you here.

Listen, don't fall in that same trap
you did with Sumner.

Sam, my intimate relationship
with Sumner

had nothing to do with the fact
that I was his teaching assistant.

Sumner took advantage
of a naive young coed.

I have learned since then,
from bitter experience.

I am older, wiser,

and I have a lot more units
under my belt.

Hey, Woody, give me a refill,
would you?

Coming up.

You know, Mr. Peterson,
you're amazing.

How do you keep
putting them away?

Well, it's all done with mirrors, son.

I just never look in one.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.

Buckle your seatbelts and get ready
for a blast into the unknown.

I've got a phenomenon here which,
well, I'm sure will inspire

the legendary Jack Palance
to utter the infamous words,

"Believe it or not."

Get a load of this.

- What's that?
- Potato, right?

It's no ordinary, common,
garden-variety russet, Norm.

Though, I'm proud to say,
I did grow it myself.

It's the spitting image
of Richard Milhous Nixon. Look.

What, you find this amusing?

No. No, I find it
historically significant, Cliff.

Look, look at the eye.

Well, all right, forget about
the third one there, but look at those eyes.

The ski-jump nose, the jowls, huh?

He's even got a little bit of sweat
there on the upper lip.

Come on, man.

All right, maybe this
will help you out.

I am not a crook.

Sorry, it still doesn't
look like Nixon.

Sure sounds like him though.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Carla, I got a potato here
looks just like Richard Nixon.

Big deal. Find one that doesn't,
then get back to me.

We were really hopping around here
a couple hours ago, you know.

So why didn't you
call me sooner?

I tried to, but your phone
was busy.

Oh, sorry. My oldest must have been
talking to his girlfriend.

- Where's Diane anyway?
- Oh, I gave her the night off.

She's trying to interview
for a TA job down at the college.

She'll never get it.
She's a big A with no Ts.

So Anthony has got himself
a girlfriend, huh?

It's sickening, Sam.

Everyday it's,
"Annie this. Annie that."

Walks around the apartment
all moony-eyed.

I think my kid's
turned into a weenie.

Well, don't be too hard
on the lad, Carla.

You know, men will do
some pretty strange things

to have a woman by their side.

In your case, inflate one.

You know who I hold
responsible for this? Nick.

- Who's Nick?
- He's Anthony's father.

His biological father.

Wow, a scientist.

You know, what my boy
needs now

is just a little adult male
companionship

to snap him out of this.

How about it, Sam?

Come on, find somebody else.
Call Nick.

Come on. You know Nick's idea
of fatherhood:

When the egg splits,
so does he.

- Come on.
- What exactly would I have to do?

Just take him out and show him
a great time, you know?

A real night on the town.

Wild, crazy, borderline illegal.

I guess I could handle that.
Yeah, why not?

It's about time the kid learned
how much fun it was to play the field.

- Right.
- Hey, wait just a second here.

Let's not give marriage
a bad rap, huh?

It's a fine institution.

Matter of fact, go ahead
and ask any single man here

if he wouldn't gladly trade places
with me for a night.

Anybody?

Please.

One night.

Oh, come on, fellas. I'm offering
transportation and a hot meal.

No, no, this is second-term Nixon.
Yeah.

Yeah, this tater is definitely showing
the strain of Watergate here.

Not--? Not newsworthy?

Oh, well, excuse me for living there,
buddy boy.

Yeah, I'll call you back
when my potato marries a rock star!

New York Times, my foot!

If the news doesn't come out
of Moscow, they're not interested.

Hey, what do you think?
You like the game?

Yeah, that was great.
Where's your phone, Sammo?

Oh, come on, give her a break,
will you?

You called her four times tonight.
She's probably half asleep.

Cheers.

Just a minute.

Who you looking for?

Some girl wants to talk
to the outlaw of love.

She tracked me down.

Hey, hey, that's Annie.
That's Annie. Let me have it.

He's fine, Annie,
and he'll call you tomorrow.

Yes, he's still a hunk.

Okay, I will. Good night.

I owe you one, Sam.

Anthony, consider yourself
kissed good night.

Okay, you want
that root beer, huh?

Great. That's me and Annie's favorite.

She loves it when I make it
come out my nose.

Yeah, I know.
That always works for me too.

Listen, Anthony...

- ...I know you like Annie a lot--
- Oh, no.

I love her.

Anthony, there's only two times
a man uses that word:

tennis, and when he's already
paid for the room.

You know what I mean?

My ma, she says the same thing.

She acts like we're kids
or something.

I'll tell you, just between you and me--
I mean, you don't tell my ma.

Me and Annie,
we're talking about getting married.

- What? You get her pregnant?
- Oh, she ain't pregnant!

We think that sex before marriage
is a sin.

Afterwards, it's just one more
damn thing

to take your pants off for,
you know?

Anthony, you don't know
what you're doing.

I mean, look at me, will you?

I'm single.
I've got a great life going here.

Look, most guys go through
their entire life with only one woman.

- Yeah.
- I got three under Q.

This whole book is women?

This book and my life.

Tell you what...

...pick a name, any name.

I'm gonna show you
what a no-strings good time

I got at my fingertips here.

Go ahead. Any name.

- Beth Hollister.
- Beth Hollister.

All right. Very good choice.

It's a toll call, but it's worth it.

Hey, Beth? Hi, it's Sam Malone.

Yeah. Yeah, well, I know
it's been a long time.

That's why I'm calling. I thought
maybe we'd get together tonight.

Oh, no. Well, is it something
you can put off until later?

No, no, no.

No, I wouldn't want you to miss
your first Weight Watchers meeting.

Tomorrow? Me? Well...

God, Beth, I think my appendix
just burst. Will you excuse me?

Being single means
you gotta think fast on your feet.

Go ahead. Pick another name.
Any name.

- Candy. Candy Simpson.
- Candy Simpson.

Come to Papa. All right.
You're good, kid.

Then again, so is Candy.

Hi, is Candy in?

Candy. Sam Malone.

Yeah, you remember me?

Yeah, all right.

You still into hot fudge sundaes
for breakfast?

You're not?
Oh, hell, I'm on the wrong page here.

Listen...

...what I want-- What I want
to say here, Candy...

...is I want you.

Yeah. Well, there you go.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

This is getting kind of hot.
I'm gonna take this in my office.

Woody, you wanna hang that up?

Just make yourself comfortable there.

That guy's got a great life,
doesn't he?

Great?

He's got no one to come home to,
nobody to care about,

and no reason to even get up
in the morning.

And he drives a Corvette.

This looks excellent,
Miss Chambers.

I'd have to say,
on the basis of this résumé,

that you're my leading candidate.

Oh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am.

I think you're the best
in your department,

and I'd love to work with you.

Well, good. Now, I do have to interview
a couple of people tomorrow,

but I'll be letting you know anon.

Terribly good to hear
the King's English.

- Thank you for coming.
- Oh, my pleasure.

Oh, by the way, I got an excellent
recommendation for you.

- Recommendation?
- From Sumner Sloane.

He's a colleague of mine.
You used to work for him, right?

That's right.

How nice of him.
Lovely man, Sumner.

He gave you very high marks.

- Well, goodbye.
- Bye-bye.

High marks?

What exactly did you mean
by that?

Well, among other things,
that you have an unbridled enthusiasm.

I see. Goodbye.

I'm a little unclear on "enthusiasm."

Well, enthusiasm:

That you don't mind taking on
extra duties

and working overtime, if necessary.

Of course that's what he meant.
What else could he mean?

Goodbye.

I will not sleep with you!

What?

Oh, my God,
I can't believe I said that.

I think that concludes our interview.

Dr Moffat, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't for a moment mean to imply
that you want to have sex with me.

I'm sure that's the farthest thing
from your mind.

Not that you don't have
a healthy interest in sex.

I'm sure you think about it
all the time.

Well, not all the time.
You're not obsessed.

But when it comes to sex,

I'm sure you could hold your own
with a man half your age.

That's not to say
that you like young men.

Or any men.

Not that any man wouldn't be
happy to have you.

As would any woman.
Except me.

Although, I could be.
But I'm not.

But that's not saying
that I couldn't be.

This just isn't the time or the place
or the circumstance.

But by that, I'm certainly not saying
that you're flabby.

Why did I say that?

This isn't going well, is it?

Okay. All right, everybody.
Open your eyes.

What's--? What's so funny?

A blue suit with a brown tie?

Well, hey, I did the best I could,
you know.

It's not easy coming up with
a Ken doll on short notice.

I wonder if you guys realize
how limited his wardrobe is.

Now, Barbie's is
much more extensive.

She's got her own car,
little high heels.

Cliff. Listen to me, Cliff.

You're my best friend, okay?

If the situation were reversed,
I'd want you to say this to me.

You've gone completely
off the deep end.

You've always been
kind of a weird guy,

but this is just a little bit
too much.

I want you to look what you've done
and think about this, Cliff.

You've knocked the head off a doll
and put a potato in its place.

And you actually want people
to, like, come and know this.

Well, yeah, I guess you're right,
Normie.

Yeah.

Been taking it
a little bit too seriously.

I've been under some
strain lately and...

It's okay, it's okay.

Thanks. You know, thanks for
pulling in those reins and saying,

"Whoa, Paint,
you're working up a froth."

Hey, how's Anthony doing, Carla?

I hope he didn't break
little Annie's heart.

But then again,
he did see life in the Sammy lane.

Oh, how do you do that? How do you
make your eyes shake like that?

Anthony's talking about
getting married!

I don't know what happened
after he left here,

but up until that point,

Annie had "Destination Dump City"
written all over her.

Yeah, well, he said he'd only been
thinking about getting married

until last night
when you changed his mind.

No way did he want to end up,
and I quote,

"A lonely old skirt-chaser like Sam."

Blasphemy.

What did you tell my kid, huh?

Well, basically, why buy the cow
when you can get the milk for free?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Companionship, warmth on a cold night,

someone to share your old age with.

You think he should marry her?

I thought we were talking
about a cow.

- Hey, Ma!
- Hello, Mrs Tortelli.

Vixen.

- Nice to see you too.
- What are you doing here?

Look, Ma, I don't like us
being all mad at each other.

You know I love you.

So let's be buds.

What do you want?

I don't want nothing.

Except for you to sign
this consent form, Ma.

Consent?

You want me to sign
a consent form?

Yeah. Annie's parents
already agreed to sign it, Ma.

Sure, no problem.
I'll sign a consent form.

This is my new way
of signing my name.

- Ma!
- No! You're only 16.

You were pregnant
when you were 16.

Yeah, but I wasn't stupid enough
to be married.

Come on, Anthony. Let's just take
the bus to Jersey to see your old man.

You only need
one parent's permission.

Oh, forget him.
My father's a bum.

Hey, don't you talk
about your father that way.

- Okay, he's a sleazy bum.
- That's better.

But I'll tell you this, Ma:

If I don't get your consent,
I'll get his,

because one way or another,
I am marrying Annie.

And I was hoping that I could have
Annie as my lovely wife

and still keep my mother.

Ma, don't make me make a choice.

Come on, Anthony,
you don't mean that.

He's a proud man, Mrs Tortelli.

I guess that's why I love him
more than any man I've ever known.

Isn't she great, Ma?

Yeah.

I'm not losing a son,

I'm gaining your face.

You're not making
any points here, Ma.

- What am I supposed to do, Sam?
- Just calm down.

I gotta stop this.

I can't believe they're serious.

I can't believe that
any son of Nick Tortelli

would even think about getting married
without a bun in some oven.

Sam, Sammy!
That is the answer!

Listen, listen.

Anthony is a Tortelli man, right?

Now, all Tortelli men are scum.

Ergo, given time,
his eye will wander,

and the rest of his slimy body
will follow.

Come on, Mrs Tortelli,
we haven't got all day.

I have to clean my room
before dinner.

I just don't see what your hurry is.

I mean, why don't you two have
a little engagement period, huh?

I'll tell you what,
I'll make a deal with you.

Give me two weeks.

What do you mean?

You two stay totally apart.

Don't see each other,
don't talk to each other,

don't send messages
for two weeks.

Then, at that time,
if you still want to get married,

I'll give you my blessing.

- That's all we have to do?
- That's all?

I'll die.

Our burning love
will keep you alive, Anthony.

I don't know.

What's the matter, Anthony?
You afraid?

Listen, if you don't think
your love is strong enough--

Oh, no, no. We ain't afraid of nothing.
Okay, you got it.

But we come back here
in two weeks

and we're even more sure.

And after that we'll be together,
forever and ever.

You mean like through eternity?

No, like through the weekend, momar.

I'm gonna be heartsick missing you.

That is the most childish, unsanitary
thing I've ever seen in my life.

Boy, I'll say. Don't they realize that
gum is a breeding ground for cooties?

Anthony, would you get away
from the window?

You're fogging up the glass
with your lovesick breath.

Don't be such a grump, Ma.

I warned you my feelings
wouldn't change.

Not in two weeks, not in two years.

You blew it.

I'm dead meat, Sam.

I thought you had this
figured out, logically.

Yeah, well, he never went out
of the damn house.

How's he supposed to have his head
turned by another woman

if he never saw one?

He just locked himself in a room,
and he never came out

except for hot meals
and cold showers.

So you gonna sign the consent?

What else can I do?

They kept their end of the bargain.

- Anthony!
- Annie!

Sinuses, Carla.

Well, Mrs Tortelli,
it's been two weeks.

I think it's still clear that Anthony and I
are very much in love

and wanna get married.
Right, Anthony?

That's right.
Here's the form, Ma.

You said you would sign it.

You're too damn young, Anthony.

Please, this is the worst mistake
anybody could make.

Believe me, I made it.

You gave your word.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Hey, hurry it up, Annie.
I'm double-parked.

We'll be right there.
Won't this be great, Anthony?

You and me together for all time.

Yeah, that's great. Who is that?

Oh, that's my cousin, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, my fiancé.

Will you hurry it up and sign?
We haven't got all day.

Hey, Gabrielle, it's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
You're even cuter than Annie said.

How come I haven't
met you before?

I've been at cheerleading school.

Hey, when are we having
your cousin over for dinner?

Let's say we get married first.
Then we'll discuss the dinner guests.

Yeah, well, my word is my word.

I guess I'd better be signing
this document

so you two can be alone
together forever.

What's your hurry, Ma?

Why don't you buds have a root beer?

I'm gonna help Gabrielle
find a parking space.

- I'm worried about her.
- Anthony!

Hey, just get off my back.
This will take two minutes.

Nag, nag, nag.

Gabrielle, you ever have
a hot fudge sundae for breakfast?

- They're not coming back, are they?
- Nope.

Gee, and I got 50 boy cousins
who can drive.

It was bound to happen.

Pretty smart, Mrs Tortelli.

Let me fill you in on something, Annie.

There are three things
that you can say about Tortelli men:

One, they draw women like flies.

Two, they treat women like flies.

Three, their brains are in their flies.

Yeah, one more thing:

They throw away the best women.

You know, for a loser,
you're not bad.

Ditto, Mrs T.