All language subtitles for Cheers.S04E01.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

- Carla, give me a beer.
- Right.

What's the story with Sam?
Isn't he back from Italy yet?

No. Three whole days,
and we haven't heard a word.

He just went there to stop Diane
and Frasier from getting married.

Don't know what could
be taking him so long.

Maybe Frasier's still thanking him.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Diane
now had a "Malone" after her name.

Well, could be, Cliff ie.

That ital y's an awfully darn
romantic place.

I almost went there myself
on my honeymoon.

Had the plane reservations
and the hotel reservations. Everything.

Well, what stopped you, Norm?

Oh, Vera.
You know, she insisted on coming.

I bet you wanna know
how it went in Italy.

No, no, not really.
How about you, Cliff ie?

Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Got off the plane and I took a cab
to the Marino estate,

where I had been told
they were gonna get married.

But they wouldn't let me in,
so I jumped over the fence

and landed in the middle
of seven snarling rottweilers.

Rottweilers. It comes from
the German word "Rott--"

- Cliff, shut up.
- Yes, sir.

Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs
by diving into a moat.

While the police were fishing me out,
I discovered that Diane and Frasier

had decided to get married
someplace else.

This was right before
they threw me in jail.

Jail? How'd you get out?

Well, a local landowner
bailed me out.

Actually, he didn't bail me out.
There's a different system over there.

He purchased me.

Seems... Seems his ox died
or something.

I really don't wanna
talk about this anymore.

I'm gonna be in my office.

Oh, yeah, one more thing.
I am through with that woman forever.

I will never think about, see
or mention her ever again.

And if anyone even uses
the words "Diane Chambers,"

I will have no other choice
but to kill that person.

Poor guy.
Who is this Diane Chambers anyhow?

Who said that?

No! No! No!

- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!

What do you say, Norm?

Any cheap, tawdry thing
that'll get me a beer.

- Hey, Norman.
- You seem pretty chipper today.

A few notches up
from your usual abysmal.

Well, thank you, Cliff ie. That's because
I have a little bit of good news here.

- What's that?
- You know how I've been

trying to get Vera pregnant?
Congratulate me.

- Hey!
- Have a cigar.

Well, I think this calls
for some champagne here.

- Well, thank you, Sam.
- What sex do you want it to be?

Sex? Come on, I thought you just
asked for the vintage. You know?

Wait, wait. I see your mistake.
Vera's not with child.

She just told me I didn't have to
try to get her pregnant anymore.

Let's celebrate! Come on! Party!

This is amazing.

Hundreds of bottles.

Red and white wine glasses.

High-grade Naugahyde stool covers.

And a brass rail.

And a big-city bartender
with a joke at the ready.

You from out of town?

Okay, I'll bite.
Yeah, I'm from out of town.

Can I help you?

Well, that went right over my head.

- Excuse me, my name's Woody Boyd.
- Woody. Hi, I'm Sam Malone.

Howdy. I'm a friend of Coach's.
Is he around?

I'm sorry, Woody.
I guess you hadn't heard.

No, Coach passed away
a couple of months ago.

But, yeah, I'd like to think
he's still around.

Coach, gone. I can hardly believe it.

Well, he had a lot of friends.
I don't--

I don't remember him
mentioning a Woody.

Well, we never met.
We were kind of like pen pals.

You exchanged letters?

No, pens.

It was Coach's idea.

Oh, well, that figures.

Can I get you something
to drink here?

Well, a soda pop would be good.

Soda pop.
All right, all right.

See, I got in the habit of writing
to the bars in the big city,

in the hopes of landing a job,

and once I wrote a letter to Cheers,
and Coach answered my letter.

I liked him right away.

Maybe it was because he was
the only one who wrote back to me.

Woody, did you say you
were looking for work?

Well, actually, I came to Boston
on a fact-finding tour.

See, I tend bar
back home in Indiana.

Well, it's not a bar exactly.
It's more like...

...a pigsty with a jukebox,

if we had a jukebox.

Carla.

I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd.
Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

- Hi, ma'am.
- Ma'am?

What's that supposed to mean?

I believe it's a term of respect.

No wonder it sounded so weird.
Who is this guy?

Well, he's a friend of Coach's,
and he's looking for work.

What do you think?
You wanna give him a try?

Me?

Mr Malone, this is
the proudest day of my life!

I'd work like a slave and I wouldn't take
anything more than minimum wage.

And, of course, I'd wash your car.

And if you ever need someone
to just, you know, yell at,

I'm your man.

I think we better keep him, Sam.
He wouldn't be safe on the streets.

- Thanks, Carla.
- What the hell.

Woody, come on around here
and we'll check you out.

You won't regret it, Mr Malone.
I love bartending.

You get behind a bar, and right away
strangers are your best friends.

They call you great names, like
"buddy" and "pal" and "chief" and "ace."

Here's your apron, sport.

Sport! Another great one!

But listen, let me make
one thing clear.

One mistake, and I'm out on my butt.

Hey, Cliff ie, next time you try
to imitate that helicopter,

I think you ought to chalk up the cues
before you stick them in your ears.

You kidding, Norm? I'd look
pretty silly with chalk in my ears.

Cliff, Norm, Woody Boyd. Woody's
gonna be helping us out around here.

- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.

- All right.
- What's your pleasure, gents?

Make it anything you want.

Now, where I come from,
all anyone ever drinks is beer.

Beer's fine, but any monkey
can pull down a tap.

Why study years
to be an ace mix ologist

just to serve beer
after beer after beer?

So, what will it be?

Beer.

Same.

So while it's a common belief
that the Tyrannosaurus rex

was the king of the dinosaurs,

you know, as a-- As indicated
by the appellative "-saurus,"

the smartest of the spiny reptiles
was actually the thyropatroid.

Frasier W. Crane.

Oh, the man who won the hand
of Diane Chambers.

Found out he had to keep
the rest of her.

Hello, Carla, Norm, Cliff.
It's been a long time.

Yeah, we got a lot of catching up to do.
So, what's new?

- I couldn't begin to tell you.
- Okay, well, that's even better.

What's your pleasure?

My life is devoid of pleasure.

You need a good laugh.
Are you from out of town?

Just give me a whiskey, punk.

Punk! Oh, that's great!

Where's Malone?

I mean, where's
my good friend Sam?

Mr Malone's in his office.
You want me to give him a buzz?

No, no, I'll surprise him.

Oh, by the way, any peculiar noises
you hear coming out of that room,

don't let it bother you.

It's just a couple of old friends
having a little fun together.

Yo. I think my joke
loosened him up a little.

Hello, Sam, old buddy.

Frasier. What the hell
are you doing here?

- Are you alone?
- Yes, I'm alone.

I didn't marry Diane.

You didn't?

No, I didn't.
Does that make you happy?

Well, I'm happy for you.

Just how'd you manage that?

Well, she left me at the altar.

I had just vowed to take her
for my wife.

The priest asked her
if she would marry me.

She looked around and asked
if he was talking to her.

He nodded, and she was gone.

Gee, Fras, that's tough.

She just took off?
No explanation or anything?

Well, there was no
explanation necessary.

It was you she loved all along.

And it was the thought of you
that made me lose her.

The story of my humiliation spread
like wildfire through the university

and then to the entire
Italian countryside.

Everyone knew about it.
Everyone knew about my shame.

- You must have been imagining that.
- Oh, was I?

Do you know that in soccer,

when a player kicks at the ball,
misses and falls down,

it's now called a "Frasier"?

That could be a coincidence.

If he's knocked cold,
it's called a "Frasier Crane."

I've lost everything, Malone.

My tenure, my practice
and my Diane.

My life is ruined,
and it's all your fault.

Now, don't you think someone
should pay for that?

If by 'someone," you mean
someone in this room, I can...

...I can honestly answer no, I don't.

Oh, come on.

Oh, wait-- What are you doing?
The gun's not even loaded.

- Certainly it's loaded.
- No, it isn't.

Of course you know it's not, because
Frasier Crane is a harmless person.

He never caused you a moment's
concern, not a moment's worry.

He was never a threat to
your relationship with Diane,

and he's not a threat now.
Is that it, Sam?

No, it's just the little holes
there are empty.

Once again,
you're ahead of me, Sam.

I just hoped to see you quaking in
your boots a little bit or something,

but you've cheated me even of that.

Boy. Boy, you're really bent
out of shape over this, aren't you?

Just out of totally idle curiosity,
whatever did happen to Diane?

Well, I was recently informed
by my mentor, Dr Bennett Ludlow,

whose care I'm now under,
incidentally.

And believe me,
he's doing a heck of a job.

He told me that she's at
St. Anselm's Abbey,

an hour outside of Boston,
with the Sisters of the Divine Severity.

Oh, whoa, wait.
You can't be a nun if you've already--

Oh, she's not becoming a nun,
you idiot!

She's working there. She's cleaning,
serving meals, wearing sackcloth,

- that sort of thing.
- I'll be damned.

You see, after she left me,

Diane embarked upon
a spree of decadence in Italy.

I'd hear stories about dancing
on tables in cafés,

swimming in public fountains,

cavorting with counts
and soccer players.

Well, now she's doing penance
for la Dolce vita.

She's seeking peace.
I hope she's found it.

Diane, dancing on tabletops?

You mean my--? Your--? Our--?
The Diane?

Yes, all of them.

But now listen, Sam,

- you won't go and see her will you?
- No!

I mean, it would be
disaster for everyone.

No, no.
Believe me, I wouldn't do that.

No, I'm over her.

You know, and if you know
what's good for you,

I think you should forget
about her too.

Oh, I'll forget about her.

I'll forget about her
when the moon turns to ashes

and the birds sing nevermore.

There you go.

Well, I'm sorry about
the histrionics, Sam.

- Oh, no, don't.
- You know, it's funny,

even through all this,
I still think of you as my goombah.

Well, it's best that I get going.

But let's do the lunch thing
sometime.

I'd like that. Yeah. Take care.

You won't go see her?

No way. No.

- Hi, Diane.
- Hi, Sam.

Calm down, here.

I just popped in to say howdy.

Are you okay?

What the hell--? Heck...

...are you doing here?

I bumped into Frasier, and he told me
that you checked into a convent,

and I was afraid
you got all squirrelly again.

Thank you for your
carefully worded concern,

- Well, now, you know--
- but I assure you, I am fine.

Oh, Sam, I was so sorry
to hear about the Coach.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Not a day goes by when
I don't miss him terribly.

Me too.

You know what helps me, though,

is I always remember what
he used to say about the afterlife,

"I hope there are not a lot of stairs."

- It's wise in its way.
- Yeah.

Sam, you're really gonna have
to leave. It's wrong for you to be here.

All right, but there's something
I gotta say first, though.

All right, fine. But if they find you,
it's your problem.

- All right.
- I'm not covering for you.

Sister Catherine!

Have you met the rice inspector?

The rice inspector sent
by the archdiocese

to inspect the rice,
which is what they do.

Ah, yes, very good.

Sam, what is it? Tell me what you
have to say and then leave, please.

Listen, I want you
to come back to Cheers.

I don't think you belong here, Diane.

No, Sam, I do belong here.

Although I'm not of their order,
the sisters took me in,

and working here among them

has helped me find the peace
that had so eluded me.

Besides, if I came back to Cheers,
it would lead

to nothing but terrible problems
between you and me.

No, no, it's not like that anymore.

Because all I feel for you
is the concern of a friend.

The same way I would for, say,
Norm or a dog.

You say that,

but you know our passions
always overcome our intentions.

We say it's over, and yet we still
end up in each other's arms,

hugging, then kissing,

perhaps lightly at first...

...but then with open mouths...

...hungry, probing tongues...

Go on, please.

I appreciate the offer, Sam,
but I'm needed here,

and I need to be here
and I need to be needed here.

- You really mean this, don't you?
- Yes, I do.

Well, I guess that's what matters.

I guess I better be going.

I recognised one of the ladies,

and I think that I'm the reason
why she's here in the first place.

I'm glad I got to see you.

Yeah, I'm glad I came.

Turned out kind of nice, huh?

Yes, it was good.

I'm glad we had a chance
to end it this way.

Cleanly, spiritually.

Free of rancour and sexual tens--
tens-- tension.

Whatever.

- Well, this is where it ends, huh?
- Yeah.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I swore I'd never tell you this ever,

but I guess maybe because we're never
gonna see each other again...

You know, you always used to
accuse me of being an unromantic slob,

but you wanna know the truth?
When you called me

to tell me that you
were marrying Frasier,

I flew on a plane to Italy
to stop the wedding.

I guess I thought I was
in love with you

and that you and I
should be married.

Not that I feel that way now.

But, well, I just thought
you ought to know that.

Have a good life. Bye.

Good evening.

Good-- Good evening, Sister Marie.

I heard that the rice inspector
was here.

He wasn't the rice inspector.
He was a man from my past.

Say no more.
There's no need to explain.

- I feel I must.
- I knew you would.

He wanted me to return to the outside,
to the life I used to know.

By the way, I hope you like this.
I got a little creative tonight.

- Oh, yet again.
- Taste it.

At any rate, I told him that
I wasn't going to leave,

that I'm needed too much here.

Do you think I am, Sister?
I mean, I feel that I'm ready now

to leave, to get on with my life,
but I feel so safe here.

What do you think?

Put your faith in God.

I know I'm going to.

Time to do the floors.

These ladies can be so messy.

Rice everywhere.

I haven't done this
since I was a child...

...but when in Rome...

Now, I know there are far greater
problems in the world than mine,

but I'm feeling as though
I'm at a crossroads.

And I was wondering
if you could give me a little sign...

...to tell me what to do.

Excuse me. Hi.

You wouldn't know where a men's
room was around here, would you?

Sam, would you put a men's room
in a convent?

Right now I would, yes.

Just any sign. Something--

Oh! Oh!

Well...

...it's not the parting of the Red Sea.

That's nitpicking.