Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Morning, Sammy. - Norm!

What brings you in this time of day?

Same thing that always does.

- A little early for a beer, isn't it? - So float a cornflake in it.

Beer it is.

Seriously, how come you're here this early?

My supervisor got sick, had to go home early.

So he left me in charge of the office.

So I closed it.

Hey, you know, thought I'd stop by here, have a few beers

and figure out what to do with the day.

After all, I have 24 golden hours to spend on Norm Peterson.

- Any suggestions? - If it was me,

I'd be out there sailing.

Perfect weather, waters won't be crowded.

Yeah. I get seasick, though. I don't know.

Well, you can always go to the driving range

and work on your slice.

No, I don't have my clubs with me.

Well, how about checking out that gym you've been putting off joining?

I'm not in the mood for sweat, you know?

Well, now let's see, you could set up that workshop in your garage.

I'd have to clean it all out first. It's a mess.

Well, Norm, you... You could sit here all day

shooting down my ideas and drinking beer.

Wait a minute! I think we're on to something here, huh?

What do you say, put a head on this thing

and let's hear some more suggestions.

Well, all right, let's see, how about skydiving?

No, mess up my hair.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, there's a lovely young thing, huh?

Perhaps I should just go make my move, huh?

Yeah, go ahead and faint.

Yeah, all right. Look,

some of you people have gotten the impression

that I'm a little inexperienced in the ways of love.

I mean, how many women do I have to conquer

to forever lay to rest this misconception, huh?

One.

All right. All right, I wasn't gonna do this,

but look what I got in the mail this morning.

- Normie, what does that say? - "inflatable Surprises Catalog."

Yeah, my mother sent away for it, all right?

She likes to play tricks on the cat.

No, that's the one I was looking for.

Go ahead, what's the name on there?

- 'Lanette Cahill." - "The Orange Blossom Motel."

Whoa, Cliff ie, who's this?

Well, just some damsel down in Florida

who I had a doomed but delightful affair with while visiting.

Poor thing. She just keeps begging me to come back to her.

Clavin, we're not falling for any of this.

Come on, why... Why don't you guys believe that Cliff

- had a little affair in Florida? - What?

I believe him.

I mean, she could have been drunk, blind,

just out prison, you know.

- Thank you, Norm. - Carla, you got a customer over here.

Oh, yeah? Thanks.

Carla?

Honey, what is it? Is it the baby?

The baby. Hot water, Sam. Boiling water.

- What's going on? - What? Come here, honey.

What happened?

- It's her. It's the evil one. - Where? What?

Over there at table five.

Oh, the little old lady?

Drusilla Dimeglio.

She was the principal of St. Clete's School for Wayward Girls.

And we all hated her guts.

She used to do these mean, spiteful things to us.

Oh, I swore vengeance on her,

but she retired before I could do anything.

Now, 20 years later, there she is.

If it's been 20 years, how... Are you sure it's her?

Well, there's one way to make absolutely sure it's her.

She has my teeth mark on her left ankle.

- Go check it out, Sam. - Okay, all right.

- What am I going for? - Well, I can't do it.

I mean, she'll recognize me, and then I'll lose her.

Come on, Sammy, you gotta do this for me. Please!

I will, I will, I will. But why don't I go over and ask her name?

No! That would arouse suspicion.

Crawl over there and look at her ankle.

Much better. No, I am not going anywhere.

- Go wait on her yourself! - All right, I will.

You all just watch and see what happens

- when she gets a look at me. - Hey...

What'll you have?

I'll have gin and grapefruit juice.

Oh, Sam!

She doesn't recognize me. And that means

that I can take my time and work out my plan for revenge.

So she did have a mark on her ankle?

Mark, "schmark." it must have healed.

I'm gonna think of something slow and hideous.

You know, I have a suggestion for you, Carla.

- What? - Do nothing.

With the body?

No! No, I'm telling you to turn the other cheek.

Oh, Sammy, mooning her isn't enough. I wanna hurt her.

Sam, we haven't had any heat for hours. I'm freezing.

You're the bartender. What can you recommend for me

that's nice and hot?

Speaking.

Must you inject sex into even the simplest of conversations?

Well, I didn't want you to go completely without it

while you were in Europe.

I want for nothing in Europe.

And I'm sure that's what you're getting.

You know what I mean.

In fact, I think I see my shushing hunk

skiing down the mountain right now.

Yes, that's Frasier.

He's able to ski right down to the back door of our chalet.

Sam, listen, I have to go. I'll call you right back, okay?

- Bravo! - Bravo!

Thank you. Thank you, good people of the Alps.

Bravo, bravo!

Thank you. Give me a minute here.

Hey, that's quite a hill, isn't it?

Oh, you were magnificent! Magnificent!

That was exhilarating.

It worries me, though, these risks you're taking.

Oh, Diane, you know, some men live their lives avoiding danger.

Frasier W. Crane seeks it.

Oh, Frasier, here, let me put these away for you

so we can both get off our feet.

Now, you just relax and make yourself comfortable.

Tonight is your night.

That's the spirit.

The capper of all time was

when we glued Sister Scholastica's face to the radiator.

Who could forget the "frying nun"?

Oh, God, those were the good old days.

- Life was simple then. - Yeah.

By the way, you two started packing it away at lunch

when I said I was paying.

Hey, me and the kid over here were just trying to keep up

with Kathy and her quadruplets.

Oh, please, don't even say it. I've already got six more than I can handle.

- No, you have only five kids. - I'm including my husband, Al.

Who, if he touches me again, is dead.

Four mugs and a pitcher for me and my pals from St. Clete's.

You know something? I envy all of you.

Sure, I'm the one with the education, the money and the great career,

but I'd trade my electrolysis license in for a family.

Mine's available.

By the way, I can get rid of that little Fu Manchu you're starting there.

- It's not so bad. - Oh, yeah.

Oh, my, the man of my dreams.

Sorry, Sammy. I can't take them anywhere.

It's all right. Four beers for the lynch mob.

Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your wonderful little surprise there.

Don't go away. Don't go away!

So, Casanova, gotten any new letters from your Florida conquest?

Well, as a matter of fact, I did receive one today.

Yeah, each one gets more heart-rendering than the last.

This one, she tells me she'd give it all up just for my kiss.

She must mean her lunch.

- All right, wise guy... - Come on, come on, Cliff ie.

- Let's go shoot some pool. - Yeah, that's a good idea, Normie.

You guys are just lucky

that I used up all my aggressive male hormones with frequent sex.

- Hey! - Hey, Rox!

Okay, Carla, we're all here.

Now you can tell us what this is all about.

Well, ladies, I am really glad you're all sitting down,

because you are not gonna believe this.

I didn't believe it myself.

I found...

...Dimeglio.

Dimeglio? You mean our principal from St. Clete's?

Oh, I heard she passed away.

Hell wouldn't take her.

She comes into this bar every night at 7:00,

sits at this table and has a gin and grapefruit.

And she will be here again tonight.

So what?

So what?

This is our chance to get her,

to pay her back for all those lousy things she did to us.

Carla, that was 20 years ago. We were just girls.

But we took an oath that we'd get her. Don't you remember?

She's coming. All right, get behind the bar!

- Carla, come on. - Get behind the bar! Come on!

Jeez, don't worry about it! All the old hate's gonna come back

as soon as you get a look at her. Just go ahead, come on, hurry up!

- Hey, ladies... - Get down! Come on!

- Oh, hi. - Hello.

Would you mind taking this table, because this one's taken.

Sure, yeah.

So, what are you gonna have?

Oh, I'll have a gin and grapefruit juice.

- One gin and grapefruit. - Coming up.

He liked your order. And I'm gonna get it.

Now, what do you think?

Carla, that... That's not her. She was a lot... A lot taller.

She wasn't tall. We were shorter.

I don't think so either. She was two times as big as that.

So what? So she lost a little weight.

She's wearing contacts instead of glasses.

That's her. I swear it.

It's been a long time, but I don't think it's her either.

- What if it is, who cares? - Get down!

I care. All right, if you don't wanna help me,

I'll get her without you.

- Fine. I don't want any part of it. - Go ahead, desert me!

Just stay down there, because I don't want her to see you.

You'll ruin everything.

What are we supposed to do back here until she leaves?

Find some way of amusing yourselves, okay?

Okay.

No! Jeez! No, don't do that!

No, it's been crazy around here. Carla's been moping around all night

because none of her old school chums will back her up on this,

and you know Carla. She's got so much anger bottled up,

I'm afraid she's gonna hurt someone.

And without you here, I'm next in line.

Oh, Sam, it would never come to that.

Carla has a means of dealing with anger that's very effective.

She vents it constantly in small doses

to prevent a buildup that might erupt in violence.

It's a technique that many hot-tempered, uneducated people

evolve instinctively. And though it's rather primitive,

it is nearly as effective as more sophisticated techniques

cultivated and employed by better-educated people

with gentler tempers... Stop that, damn it!

Please, darling, just until I'm finished.

Certainly, dearest heart.

Thank you, love of my life.

Sam, I'm sorry. What were we--? What was I saying?

You don't know either?

Boy, we... We gotta have a rule around here.

When you speak, at least one of us has gotta be listening.

- Give my best to Frasier. Bye-bye. - Bye.

Well, may I proceed with my labor,

or would my precious like to perform the onerous task

of getting some heat in this place?

No, no, please finish, my reason for living.

You spoiled, little, conniving...

...treasure.

Two beers, please, Sammy.

One for me and one for my buddy Cliff.

You recall Cliff, the fella who's in the john without this.

The latest letter from his Florida flame, huh?

It fell out of his pocket while we were shooting pool.

Wow, what a shame. You know, we should get that back to him

- as soon as possible. - Yes, and indeed we will, Sammy,

but just as soon as he gets out here, you know.

In the meantime, I think it's imperative

- that we hold the letter thusly. - Why is that?

Well, because if you were to hold it the other way,

say, like so, it's an accident waiting to happen.

Witness!

You know, I think we got a problem here.

The trick is gonna be to get that letter in this envelope

without reading it.

- Well, I'm game. - Yeah, why don't you?

- It no longer fits, Sam. - No, no.

Gonna have to read this.

"Dear Mr. Clavin, this letter's the last one I will send to you.

If you don't respond, I will turn the entire matter over to my attorney.

I will wait one week for you to pay for or return

the motel towels, ashtrays, light bulbs...

...doorknobs and shower-curtain assembly,

including rod, missing from your room. Lanette Cahill."

Oh, jeez, the poor guy.

I was hoping he wasn't blowing hot air this time.

Interesting reading?

- I'm... I'm sorry. - I'm more sorry.

- Hey, guys, Norm has the letter. - The letter?

Hey, Steve, Larry, Norm has the letter!

All right, just knock it off. It's...

So, Normie, is it as hot as Cliff says?

Come on, let's read it, huh? We're not minors here.

Norm! Norm, I'm warning you!

No, no. "My... My dearest Cliff..."

Well, if you must.

"I want you, I want you...

...I want you.

You are burning in my heart like..."

Like?

I can't make this out. Can you, Sam?

It's...

- ..."volcano." - "Volcano."

"Volcano," right.

"I think of you at night when I go to bed

and in the morning when I wake up.

And I dream about you in between, when I'm sleeping.

- Admittedly, when most people dream." - It's true.

"You're quite a man, all right, and that's for darned sure.

And you satisfy every hunger

that I have as a woman.

Respectfully yours...

...Lanette Cahill."

Norm, Norm, Norm, read them the PS there

where she talks about my sexual prowess in detail.

- Can't quite make that part out, Cliff ie. - Come on, Norm.

That's all right. I'll help you out there.

This word here is "gargantuan."

All right, I think they've all seen quite enough.

- Yeah, what the heck? - I didn't realize you were that good.

- Good night, you guys. - God bless, you guys.

- Well... - Yeah.

- Normie. - Yeah.

I don't know how to thank you for this one.

I'm just sorry I opened it in the first place.

Well...

Come on, I'll buy you a burger, huh?

- Listen. - Good night, you guys.

Good night, Sammy.

There's one way you could make it up to me if you want.

Yeah, what's that?

Read me the letter again. You know, the spicy parts.

"My dearest Cliff ie, I want you, I want you."

You okay?

I just can't believe they didn't recognize her, Sammy.

I mean, I didn't think anybody would ever be able to forget that woman.

Well, you're gonna have to face facts here, Carla.

Nobody recognized her because that's not the woman.

- Oh, but, Sammy... - Carla, come on.

She didn't have any scars on her ankles.

Well, that doesn't mean anything.

A lot of criminals have their ankles altered.

- So they can wear Bermuda shorts. - Hey, you're ranting, you know that?

Really, you... You're sounding irrational.

You're beginning to scare me.

I think you have to take a serious look at yourself here, Carla.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

What were you gonna do if it had been her?

Well...

...I had this storybook fantasy when I was a little girl

about someday coming up behind her and shaving her head.

Well, I'm glad it turned out to be somebody else.

- For everybody's sake. - I guess.

Oh, boy, look at that, will you?

- What? - I'm late.

- Oh, you got a date? - Yeah.

Well, I know you don't like to keep them waiting.

Go ahead. I'll clean up.

Oh, thank you, Carla. I thank you, and Debbie thanks you.

I think you're going out with Janet tonight, bean brain.

Well, then Janet really thanks you.

I wanted her as much as you did.

- Oh, good. Someone's here. - It's her.

- Can I help you? - I think I dropped my wallet

- here somewhere and... - Well, let me find it for you.

- I got it! - Oh, thank you!

Not so fast.

I have to be absolutely sure about this, you know.

- What's your name? - Drusilla Dimeglio.

Drusilla Dimeglio.

Oh, thank you.

Do you believe in fate, Drusilla Dimeglio?

Well, I never thought about it.

Well, why don't you sit down, and we'll have a little talk about it?

I think you'll find it interesting.

- Well, I'm kind of in a hurry. - One chair. No waiting.

Who's back there?

- Hey, Sam, is that you? - Carla?

What... Hey, what's going on? I was driving by

and saw the lights still on. Weren't you gonna close up?

- Sammy, you're not gonna believe this. - What?

After you left,

I was sitting here all by myself, and guess who should walk in.

Drusie.

- Drusie? - Yeah, Drusilla Dimeglio.

Carla, bring me another beer, will you?

Coming up, Drus.

- She's back there right now? - Yeah.

We've been playing pool all night. We're tight, Sammy.

Wait, so it is her?

Oh, yeah. It's her, all right. But you know something, Sam?

After I told her how much I hated her,

she explained to me why she was always so tough on me and everything.

She was just doing her job. And maybe I'm a better person for it.

Anyway, we're pals now.

I can't... I can't believe this. I'm so proud of you.

- Boy, this is a turning point. - Yeah.

You know, maybe we've seen the last

of that Tasmanian devil of a waitress, huh?

Hey, Carla, bring some more pretzels too, huh?

All right, right away.

I can't believe that's the same woman whose head you were about to shave.

Yeah, I almost went through with it too.

I mean, I came that close. And I could've done it easy, Sammy.

I mean, she's not as young as she used to be.

But I stopped.

God was testing me, Sam, and I passed.

Oh, hello there. Come on, Carla, it's your turn.

Yeah, I'll be right with you.

I didn't say I got an A, Sammy. I just said I passed.

Rack them up!