Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Who's the lovely lady Sam's talking to?

Another applicant for the waitress job.

It isn't easy for him probably to find somebody

to work for the wages he pays you, huh?

With tips I clear about 500 bucks a week, Clavin.

That can't be right, is it?

I did her taxes.

You mean to tell me that a federal employee,

entrusted with the most noble and vital service of our society,

makes less money than some wench who serves beer to slobs on bars tools?

Makes sense to me, Cliff ie.

No, really, I could go up to,

oh, three days or so without mail.

Okay, here. Carla, I'd like you to meet Sydney.

- Hi. - Sydney is an applicant

for our waitress opening.

Well, she passed my interview with flying colors.

And pending your approval, I'd like to start her this afternoon.

Have you had any experience serving the public?

You mean, dressed?

Take a hike, Sydney.

Well, I'll call you this afternoon and see how you're doing.

Oh, thank you, Sam. You're a very nice man.

Well, you're very nice too, Sydney.

I know we've only known each other for a few minutes, but I...

Well, I feel like we've known each other all day.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, you take care.

You know, Sam,

when Diane left for Europe...

Thank you, God.

...you promised that you were gonna hire an actual waitress,

not one of these girls that you love and leave.

I mean, they're bad for business,

they never last for more than a week,

and I end up doing all the work.

Well, that's why I'm allowing you to give your approval

before I hire them, but you don't have to be so damn picky.

All I want is someone

who doesn't make us both think of the word "boob" at the same time.

What is this, IBM?

Come on, let's not argue about this.

I'm sure we can find somebody who's gonna make us both very happy.

- Brenda Wood? - Hi. That's me.

Hi there, Brenda. Come on down here

and let's take a look at your application.

Well, I see that your turn-ons include

banana daiquiris by a fireside and men in tight jeans.

You're cute.

Well, I'm sold. Why don't you just come right over here?

- Carla, I'd like you to meet Brenda. - Beat it, Brenda.

- But, Sam... - You heard me, honey.

Back to the bimbo union hall.

Gosh darn it, Brenda. I guess Carla just thought you were overqualified.

You know what might ease that sting of rejection

you're feeling right now? What would happen if I were to

slip into some tight jeans this weekend

and have you over to my place for a banana daiquiri?

Do you have a fireplace?

No, but I got a sofa that's flammable.

- That'd be fine. - All right. You take care now.

Bye-bye.

So the search continues, huh, Sammy?

Yeah. Boy, it's tough being me.

- Okay, Lillian Huxley. - How do you do, Mr. Malone?

Hi there, Lillian. Boy, thank you very much for coming down,

but unfortunately this position has been filled already.

Tell you what, though, we'll keep your résumé on file just in case.

Freeze, slimeball!

- Yes, Carla? - You letch!

This is the best résumé I've ever seen.

Look at these references.

She's been schlepping booze for 25 years.

And my turn-ons include hunting dogs,

Thackeray and Welsh rarebit.

She's exactly what we need. She's a career waitress.

- You are? - Oh, that I am, Mr. Malone.

You see, I'm one of those fortunate people

who felt the irresistible tug of their true calling early in life.

When I was but 18,

I filled in one day for a mate at a pub. Excuse me.

I realized that day

that I could have no happier or finer destiny in store

than distributing refreshments in a public house.

Oh, through the years I've lead many a rugger side in a bawdy song,

and countless times offered my shoulder to cry on.

But never once have I regretted my decision.

I shall consider my life well spent

if it can be honestly carved on my gravestone,

"Lillian Huxley never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale,

and she always brought him a wee bit more than a pint."

Bravo!

I'm not too sure I like her attitude.

Your heat control is over there.

And if you need anything, please just call the front desk.

Thank you very much. That'll be all.

And listen, 200,000 lire, that's...

That's about right, right?

Frasier, a letter from Cheers.

Oh, wait, it's not a letter...

...it's a Lillian Huxley's résumé.

And it's signed, "Ha-ha, you're out of here forever."

Always nice to hear from Carla.

Diane, mi a more, Cheers is thousands of miles away.

Why don't we just leave them on the other side of the ocean, shall we?

Of course.

- I love you. - Et tu, Diane.

Did I just hear you say that you tipped that bellboy 200,000 lire?

Yes, what is that, about a dollar or two?

This inflated currency's so ridiculous.

I keep expecting a bum to walk up and ask for a million lire

for a cup of coffee.

You tipped the man $100 to bring our bags 8 feet.

Are you sure?

Oh, well, this'll get a hearty laugh out of the folks at the institute.

Just explain it to him. I'm sure he'll understand.

What, you mean, go down there and get it back?

What else, my angel?

Well, these people think so little of Americans as it is...

- I'll go. - No, no, no.

If I send a woman, they'd think even less of me. I'll...

- I'll do it. - Oh, my brave little tourist.

Yes.

I guess it's time to nip this thing in the bud.

Come in.

Jimmy will go to sleep

In his own little room again

There'll be bluebirds over

The white cliffs of Dover

Tomorrow

When the world is free

Now let's sing "Don't Dilly Dally on the Way."

No, no, no, I'm tired of that one.

How about a little "Knees Up, Mother Brown"?

Yeah!

No, no. I'm afraid I'm too overcome.

All right, let's sell some beers around here.

- I'll take two! - Alrighty.

Oh, my aching back.

My postal career is over.

- Cliff, you look terrible. - Yeah.

Oh, was today Sears catalog day?

That's right.

Yeah, and that's not all.

Spiegel catalog came out at the same time.

Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years

when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Come here, you great silly sausage.

What? What are you... What's going on?

- Now hush, pet, hush. - Lillian, look.

There, fear not.

One, two, three.

Hey, Lillian, thank you very much.

I feel... You know, I feel like grabbing every woman in the joint

and just dancing.

Hey, how much to put him back the way he was?

Now, Carla, I've got customers to serve.

Well, Sammy, Lillian's week is almost up.

Are you gonna be keeping her on? I'm just dying of curiosity.

I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong. She's a terrific waitress.

The customers love her. She's absolutely perfect.

Yeah, and the best part is there's no chance of any romantic complications

- to screw things up. - Oh, God. Amen!

Boy, no more sex stuff with anybody even remotely connected with this bar.

Promise?

Carla, on my honor as a great-looking human being.

Anyway, I think I have just seen the woman

in whose arms I hope to die.

Hi there. Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Sam Malone, the next great love of your life.

I've heard you Yanks were bold.

Oh my good... You know, you sound exactly like...

- Carolyn! - Mummy!

- Sam? - Carla...

Your mother never told me she had a daughter.

She never told me she had such a handsome boss.

Shucks.

Carolyn's visiting her old mummy for a few days.

- Hey, Lillian, you're up here. - Oh, excuse me, dears.

I must go and teach this bloke how to play a proper game of darts.

I'll be back in an embarrassingly short time.

So, Carolyn, how do you like Boston now that you've seen the sight?

I love it.

- Sam, could I talk to you? - Not now.

- Now. - Carla, I'm on final approach,

and I've been cleared for landing. You know what I mean?

Haul your butt over here now, sky king.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Yeah, what?

If you take Carolyn out, it's gonna go bad like always,

and you are gonna lose the two best waitresses you ever had.

- Carla, I hardly think... - I'm warning you, Sam.

You go out with her and I quit.

- Oh, you don't mean that. - Yeah? Try me.

Okay, okay, all right.

As far as I'm concerned, Carolyn's off-limits.

That's your brain talking, Sam.

I would like to hear from the part of your body that does the thinking.

It's in agreement too.

Boy, I'm sorry to be such a miserable host here.

- So you're from England, huh? - Yes.

I'm just in the States for a few days to shoot a layout for British Vogue.

Oh, now wait a second here. I think that calls for a little bit of the old

welcome-to-the-US champagne. On the house.

- Oh, great. - Yeah, a little of the old bubbly here.

So you're a... You're a model, huh?

Yes. I do lingerie mostly.

You know, teddies, merry widows, garter belts.

- This is my portfolio. - I'll give you $1000 for it.

I don't know if I want any of you to look at it.

I only brought it in to show Mummy.

Oh, now come on, you guys, come on. Give her a little privacy.

Well, I suppose it won't do any harm.

Well, all right, all right, here we go.

Oh, that's a very interesting shot. I like that one.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's nice lighting on that one.

Bet they used an F-stop on that one, huh?

Oh, now see, I like the composition on that one.

What are those? Ducks?

Yes, that's right.

I really didn't want to do this one nude, but, you know how...

No, no. No, I think it's very tasteful. It's...

It makes a point, I think.

Sammy, the ice.

Thank you very much there, Norm.

Will you just give me a second here? I'll be right back.

Carla, can I speak to you for a moment here?

Remember that conversation we had a minute ago

right over there about me not going out with Carolyn?

Can we just pretend that whole thing never took place?

You bet.

I'll just go pack my stuff. Nice knowing you.

Now... Come on, listen. Hey, come on.

The lady is coming on to me.

If I resist, I could damage some organs here.

I don't care. If you go out with her, I quit.

Okay, all right, okay, all right, fine. Fine, fine.

I mean, there are millions of women on this planet.

I can certainly forgo one of them.

Kind of ironic though, isn't it, that she's the most gorgeous one

that I've ever seen. But, hey, that's life. That's life.

All right. That's all right.

Sam, the champagne is marvelous.

You certainly know how to make a girl feel welcome.

Well, that... No, that's nothing. I do that for everybody.

She's really coming on to Sam, isn't she?

Sam? That's rich.

Norm, you know, your naiveté amazes me.

What are you talking about?

That woman, she's doing all this for my benefit.

Now, you notice she's talking loud so I can hear everything?

You know, that woman wants me

more than any woman has wanted me before.

Cliff ie, sometimes you really scare me.

Sam?

What about this Cape Cod place I've been hearing about?

I hear that it's delightful and terribly romantic at this time of year.

Oh, well, you know, I guess it could be. Yeah.

Tell me, are there any clothing-optional beaches there?

I like to get an all-over tan.

Oh, I know it's a lot more common in Europe

than it is in America, so I came prepared with a bikini.

But it's such a skimpy little thing anyway.

Carla...

Well, I'm having a real hard time with this map.

I just can't make head or tail of it.

I really don't think I'm gonna be able to find my way there.

I'll take you.

- I'll take you. I'll take you. - Oh, great!

What a lovely surprise.

I'll take you.

I'll let Carla go, and I'll... I'll take you.

I'll turn this into a self-serve bar, and I'll take you.

- When did you have in mind? - I'll take you right now,

right this very minute. My car is outside.

- What the hell is going on? - Carla, I can explain this.

- I'll take you. - You make me sick.

I know, I know. I'll take you.

Hey, listen, Carla,

I'm a weak man.

Someday I will find a cure for what I have,

but, please, let me have this.

- Oh, Sam! - Come on.

Hey, come on, don't make me beg.

Please, don't make me beg, Carla.

Tell your mommy not to make me beg, please.

Get up!

Is that a yes?

At least she's not Diane.

Look, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

- What? - You go tell Lillian

that you're gonna take her daughter out,

and if she says it's okay, I'll stick around for a while.

Is that all? Oh, I'll do it. I'll make you so proud of me.

Just... Just one more minute.

Have one more for the bed... The beach... The road.

Lillian. Lillian, can I see you in my office for a minute?

- Certainly. Back in a jiffy, darling. - Oh, super, Mummy.

Carolyn's filling out nicely, don't you think?

Lillian, I... I got a problem here.

In the past, I've gotten into trouble with my waitresses

by getting romantically involved with them.

Now, you are a fantastic waitress.

I do not wanna do anything to lose you.

Don't say another word. I understand you completely.

- You do? - Of course.

Oh, that's... Hey, thank you.

Boy, I just wanted to...

Well, I just wanted to get your approval first.

Oh, Sam, how can you be so civilized...

...when your very blood is boiling?

Don't you think I haven't been feeling the same urges?

Don't you think I haven't felt the same unconquerable chemistry?

Don't you think denying ourselves

hasn't been as treacherous for me as it has for you?

- That is what you meant, isn't it? - You bet.

No, no.

This... This whole thing just kind of snuck up on me, that's all.

Well, I won't pretend this hasn't happened to me before.

Spend any amount of time in a man's presence,

and I send out a sort of...

Well, let's face it.

...erotic signals.

Would you... Would you... Would you wait here for just a minute?

I need to talk to Carla.

- Carla? - Yeah. Carla is the person

that I usually...

Trust me.

Oh, so, Sam, are you ready to take me down to that cape of yours?

One minute. Just one minute more.

What happened? And I already know it's bad.

No, no, no, it's worse than you think.

Lillian thought that I wanted to go out with her.

She's sitting in there with a case of third-degree Sammys.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew I shouldn't have given in.

Don't panic, will you? Just trust me.

I can handle this. We need a solution.

I can always fall back on the truth, I guess.

Oh, no, you can't do that.

If you tell her that you're not interested now,

she's gonna get hurt and quit.

If she gets hurt and quits, I'll be hurt and quit.

If I get hurt and quit, then you'll be as good as dead.

Oh, boy, what am I gonna do?

My mind doesn't work like this. It's trained to get women into bed.

- What would Diane do? - Talk till we puked.

Probably.

- I got it! I got it! - What?

Lillian is smarter than us, right?

All right. You go in there and tell her,

"Lillian, we can't do this because... Well, you know."

- No, I don't. - No, Sam.

That's what you say.

She'll think of something and fill in the rest.

Oh, God, that's brilliant! That's brilliant!

How does the part go that I say again?

- Come on. - "We can't do this because...

- Well, you know." - No, I don't.

I wouldn't be asking you to repeat it if I did.

Oh, right! Right, right, right, right!

Okay. That's perfect.

Sam, my dear, you're damp.

It's sweat of passion.

- Oh, Sam... - Lillian...

Lillian, we can't do this because...

Well, you know.

Yes, I suppose I do.

You do? Oh, God...

- Sam, why are you dancing? - Well, I'm just...

I was relieved that I wasn't the only one

who knew why we couldn't do this.

No. No, I love this job. I need this job.

Carla needs me so much.

I would miss all these wonderful people.

Sam, we must try to preserve

a proper working relationship no matter what the pain.

I... But it's sad. I mean, it's so very sad.

Oh, buck up, Sam.

I'm sure it's all for the best. After all, you're young

and not so schooled in the ways of love as I.

Such a coupling could be fatal.

Unfortunately...

...I've already had two husbands die in bed.

Oh, I'm sorry. What'd they die of?

You child.

Really?

Yes, they fainted. Which all my men do.

But they never came to.

They fainted? And you're saying that that's normal?

Well, I don't want to gloat, but, yes, it has been known.

Were these...

Were these healthy guys to begin with?

Well, they weren't athletes such as yourself,

but they certainly weren't weaklings.

And why do you ask?

Well, I was just thinking that maybe...

No, no, you're right, you're right. You're absolutely right.

- Back to work. - Yes, we must get back to work, Sam.

Yeah, I don't wanna...

I don't wanna beat this thing to death here...

...but when these guys went, were they... Were they, like, smiling?

Ear to ear.

And that was the grumpy one.

I'll be darned.

So, what happened?

Everything's okay. I guess.

Sam, are we ever gonna get to this cape?

Right. Yes, right, right, right, right.

Oh, so you're going to take my daughter sightseeing?

Well, only if it's okay with you.

I think it's an absolutely wonderful idea.

Well. Well, all right.

And besides, it will take your mind off what you really want.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Well, Carolyn, it's just you and me off to the famous cape.

Here we go.

Do you mind if I ask you kind of a personal question here?

What's that?

Can you tell me, how did your father die?

Well, the coroner said it was a heart attack.

But we all know it was Mummy's passion that killed him.

Well, that's... That's... That's tragic.

Yes.

I suppose that's why I hate sex so.

The very idea gives me the chills.

Well, let's go.

But didn't... Didn't you... Weren't you...

Weren't we...