Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Bye. It's been a pleasure serving you. - Thanks.

Wait a minute.

- Is this for me? - Yes.

Wow, a quarter!

- He left me a whole quarter. - Hey, look--

Considering that great service I gave him,

I was expecting a big tip, but nothing of this magnitude.

- Hey would you hold--? - That does it!

Thanks to him, I am on easy street.

Now I'm gonna retire.

Hey, look, all right.

I'll give you some more, okay? Here.

You have change of a 10?

Yeah, now beat it.

All right, everybody, I'm warning you, you better stay on my good side today.

Cliff, I've looked at you from every angle.

There is no good side.

What's the problem there, Cliff ie?

A new couple moved in next door to me and Ma.

Just not our kind of people. They're loud, they're noisy.

They're up till all hours playing their bebop music.

Automobile parts strewn all over the yard. Nothing I can use.

Why don't you just have a word with these people, Cliff ie?

Norm, they're not the type of people

you can just have a word with, you know what I mean?

If I talk to them, it's only going to lead to a fight,

and you know what I'm liable to do.

Yeah, wet yourself.

Oh, my God!

That's my boss. He saw me slip out early. He's come here to fire me.

You got here the same time you always do.

I know. I always leave early.

I refuse to be one of those little cowardly clock-watchers, Diane.

As soon as my supervisor turns his head,

I always slip out the heating duct.

- How would he know you're here? - The company's full of spies.

Really?

Yeah, they know everything about you.

They even keep track of your sex habits.

Thank God I don't have any.

He's coming this way. Cliff ie, cover for me, will you?

Wait a minute...

Excuse me, wasn't that Norm Peterson?

No, no, no. There's no Norm Peterson here.

In fact, I don't even know a Norm Peterson.

Are you sure? The man that just ran into the men's room

- with his jacket pulled over his head? - Absolutely not.

Probably somebody that looked like Norm Peterson,

who I don't know.

I see.

And...

...what's this on the floor?

Foam insulation from our heating duct.

My information is correct.

Peterson, you in here?

Oh, were you talking to me?

What are you doing in there?

Sir, this is awfully close to being an invasion of privacy, darn it!

I wanna talk to you.

I'll wait outside.

No, no, no, sir.

I know what you're probably gonna do to me.

And this does seem like the appropriate place for it.

All right. Peterson,

we've been making organizational changes in the company,

and starting tomorrow...

...we want you to be our corporate killer.

- The guy who fires people? - That's right.

You see, we decided that terminating employees

puts too much stress on our executives.

We think you'll be perfect.

Why me?

Because studies have shown that it's particularly humiliating

when you're fired by somebody who is

clearly and markedly superior to yourself.

And that just wouldn't be the case with you, Norman.

See...

...you're just an ordinary Joe.

As a matter of fact, we-- We checked out your home life.

You have absolutely nothing anyone could possibly envy or resent.

I'm honored, sir.

But this just sounds like a horrible job, frankly.

It's a 300 percent raise, and if you don't take it, you're fired.

Sir, I will have you know that I cannot be bought

and I cannot be threatened.

But you put the two together, and I'm your man.

Carla, have you given any thought

to using some form of natural childbirth this time?

I always use the Le Mans method.

- No, you mean Lamaze. - No, Le Mans.

I scream like a Ferrari.

Evening, everybody.

- What will you have, Norm? - Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.

I'll take a glass of whatever is on tap.

Looks like beer, Norm.

Call me Mr. Lucky, eh?

I'll take another one for my young friend there.

So, Mr. Lucky, who is your young friend over there?

Well, it's my first assignment, Cliff ie.

I was supposed to fire that guy first thing in the morning.

Haven't been able to do it yet.

You mean you've been with the guy all day and you haven't canned him?

He's such a sweet young kid. I just can't tear his heart out.

Oh, can I do it? Please?

Hey, hey. Do you mind?

I know what you're talking about.

You know, I mean it's always hard to fire people.

Of course, I always give my waitresses the benefit of a severance boink.

That or the money equivalent: $1.14.

As I recall, you were always after an advance.

Oh, Sam.

You're always bringing that up,

trying to relive those few precious weeks

with the only woman you ever dated who knew how to spell your name.

As I recall, you used to spell it E-X-T-A-S-Y.

You got the X right.

And it's going to stay that way.

Would you two mind if we moved on to something a little more interesting

- than your star-crossed romance, please? - Sorry.

Come on, Norm, what could be more interesting

than another gripping episode of The Young and the Chestless?

I'm sorry, where were--? Oh, yeah. So when are you gonna talk to the guy?

I don't know. I've been struggling with it all day, Sammy.

I was gonna tell him at lunch, you know,

but we were enjoying ourselves so much it just seemed gauche.

So I thought I'd take him to a movie, you know,

and try to get him relaxed a bit.

And you couldn't tell him there either?

No. But I came awfully close at the ball game, Diane.

Norman, as you know, no one is more sensitive than I.

And I say putting it off is of no value to you or the boy.

- Guess you're right. - Yeah.

- Thanks for the beer, Mr. Peterson. - Sure.

I sure have had a good time today.

Sure we won't get in any trouble? Oh, no. Besides, it's great to get away

from that old sweatshop anyway, isn't it?

Are you kidding? I love my job.

The five months I've had it have been the best of my life.

Isn't that exaggerating just a little bit, Billy?

Not at all.

Mr. Peterson, ever since I can remember,

I've dreamed of being an accountant.

From the age of 6, I did odd jobs so I could put myself through college.

Now that I have it, I feel like I've got the world at my feet.

I just put a down payment on a house.

Now, maybe it was a little more than we wanted to spend,

but escrow closed today, so there's no turning back now.

Besides, with my wife pregnant, we're gonna need the room.

Your, your...

Well, you know, my wife and I are trying to have a baby, actually.

Hey, that's great.

Our kids are gonna play together at the company picnic.

I don't think so, Billy.

Why not?

Because you're fired.

- I'm fired? - Yes. It's not your fault.

You're history, Billy.

It's the damn company. They're--

They're cutting back all over the place.

You're a good accountant... I just feel so sorry.

I can't believe it.

It's not fair. You're so damn young.

That's right. I-- I am young. I've got that going for me.

I'll-- I'll start over. I'll find something else.

In this job market? Good luck!

There, there, Mr. Peterson. Don't-- Don't you worry about me.

I'll be just fine.

I'm gonna make you happy and proud again.

Now, are you gonna be okay?

Come on, show me a big smile.

Come on, come on.

Attaboy.

Come on, stand up here. Come on.

Get him a beer there, Diane.

Come on.

So how did it go, Norm?

Hey, Carla!

That damn company.

What do they know about the pride in a young wife's eye?

And an unborn child and a... A boy's love of a calculator.

Norman, stop torturing yourself.

And us.

I guess Billy Richter's not gonna be the only one without a job.

I'm not cut out to be a corporate killer.

- Well, thank goodness for that. - Excuse me.

I watched you with that young man over there, and I wanna tell you that

I've never seen anything like that.

Hey, pal, look, this is the 1980s. It's okay for a man to cry.

Thanks, buddy.

Of course, you'll never catch me doing it.

Maybe a manly tear or two, but never blubbering.

I'm Phil Wagner.

It's a policy of Talbert international

to send a representative to check on how their employees

handle new assignments.

I've been following you around all day.

- All day? - That's right.

Oh, by the way, how'd you like Rice's catch in the third inning?

Was a great catch.

Look, sir, I guess you're gonna tell them to find another killer.

And, I have to say I'm relieved, actually.

Peterson,

you made that man feel that he was fired from a sensitive, caring company.

It was brilliant.

Now, I'm gonna recommend that they give you

that corner office on the third floor, overlooking the parking lot.

But isn't that Mr. Peabody's office?

Not after you talk with him tomorrow.

That's it. I've had it. I've had it.

Those neighbors have pushed me too far this time.

What happened now, Clifford?

Last night they decided to have a party.

Cars parked all over the block, loud music, carousing

and who all knows what else.

And all this on a school night.

You know, I think it's high time they found out

what you get when you cross a Clavin.

Someone crossed one with a chicken and got you.

I beg your pardon.

Come on. You come in here shooting your mouth off

about this guy every night, but you don't do anything.

I think you're afraid to stand up to him.

I'm not afraid of anything.

One of these days, I'm gonna tell that jerk exactly what I think of him.

Oh, yeah?

All right.

Here you go.

- Write him a letter. - Oh, yeah.

You don't think I will, huh?

All right. "Howdy, neighbor. Please don't take this the wrong way..."

Give me that! "Howdy, neighbor"!

Let me do this.

"Dear vile, scurvy rat...

...whose existence stinks up the planet..."

Yeah, I guess that is a bit stronger.

Where's--? Where's Norm?

He's in the backroom dropping the ax on his latest victim.

It'll be all right. I'll find another job.

Yeah.

Someday.

You promise?

I promise.

Now, buck up.

That man is a prince.

Norman, why do you keep putting yourself through this?

You must be emotionally drained at the end of the day.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. But, hey, I'm good at it, huh?

I finally found something in life that I'm good at.

Pity.

Now, we just gotta finish it off with a real doozy.

Does he have any disabilities you can make fun of?

No.

Well, his wife is not a particularly handsome woman.

Oh, good, good.

"Bark hello to your wife for me."

"Yours in disgust."

Sign that.

Okay. I'll sign it with pleasure.

And I'll mail this at my earliest convenience.

Fork it over. It's going out in today's mail.

Good, good. Glad to hear it.

Look, Clavin,

just think of this

as your ticket out of Weenietown.

Carla, I made that trip a long time ago.

Yeah, but they threw you out at Dinkville.

- I'm sor-- Norm? - Yeah?

Your office called.

They're sending over a John Parker.

- Another one. - Yeah.

Last one of the day, I guess.

See what we got here.

John Parker...

Thirty-five years with the company, Sam.

He's a widower, supports sickly parents.

Oh, no, three foster children.

So sad, so sad.

Afternoon, Sam.

And how are we today?

We're fine, Walt. How you doing?

Well, it hasn't been an easy day,

but any day I carry the US Mail,

I count myself a lucky and useful human being.

Are all you guys like this?

Like what?

Never mind.

Hold on a sec, Walt, I got some outgoing mail here.

- Sure thing. - How do you like that?

I just talked to Mom.

Our neighbor's cleaning up his yard as we speak.

Yeah, he said he would've gotten to it sooner,

but he's been in training

for the World Light Heavyweight Kickboxing Championship.

He would have made a worthy adversary for me,

but it's good I found out before that letter was mailed.

That's excellent use of the nine-digit Zip code, Sam.

Consider these letters in the hands of the addressees.

Hey. Ho, ho, ho! Hold on there...

- Twitchell, isn't it? - That's right.

I'm Clavin, South Central Branch, SCB.

Oh, right.

Listen, Twitch, you got a letter in that bag that

I don't need to have mailed, I'd appreciate it if I could have it back.

Sorry.

Hey, what do you--? What do you mean "sorry"?

Well, I can't give it back.

Any letter on my person for the express purpose of

- delivery, receives the same sanctity - Delivery, receives the same sanctity

- it would be afforded - it would be afforded

- in any U.S. Mail receptacle. - In any U.S. Mail receptacle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, look, this is a very personal, important matter to me.

Oh, you know the rules.

Hey, hey, hey, that's my bag!

Get your hands off that bag! That's a federal offense, you know.

- You're a federal offense, - Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- You meathead! - Hey, now--!

Hey!

Hey!

Go on. Get out of here!

That's Clavin.

- Clavin with a C, right? - That's right.

Yeah, well, let me tell you,

- you're in trouble. - You're in trouble!

- They're gonna have your bags. - Your mother's a bag.

Isn't that something?

Put a uniform on some guys, it turns them right into a fascist.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised

if that guy had deep sexual problems.

Norman's sleeping like a baby.

Yeah, a baby with a license to kill.

Well, I guess this job is taking its toll. I wonder what he's dreaming about.

Oh, he's probably dreaming about what every man dreams about.

In your case that would be me.

I hardly think that Norm is dreaming about you.

I stand corrected.

You all right? Hey, you okay?

- Wake up. - No, no, no. I'm-- I'm fine.

Strangest dream.

- What was that? - It was so weird, Sam.

What?

So it's really dark, you know.

And cold and eerie...

And it was out in the middle of nowhere, you know.

I mean, it was nowhere, but it was definitely somewhere, you know.

There was this endless line of accountants there, right.

And it was my job to make them go through a pair of elevator doors.

Going down?

One by one, they went, Sammy,

falling, screaming into a bottomless pit.

Then I turned around and there's this accountant

who's wearing a blindfold, right.

I went up to him...

No, wait! I'm just demonstrating, you know. I'm fine.

Norman, don't you see what this dream means?

A very precious part of you

feels as if it's being destroyed by this job.

The burden of your guilt is insupportable.

Hey, I never said I was in love with this job, okay?

As a matter of fact, I think it stinks, all right? But it is important.

These guys, they'd all be fired anyway.

And I'm just providing a service, okay?

I'm helping them through one of life's most painful experiences.

Norman, these executives are having you do their dirty work.

You are their Judas goat.

Oh, come on, just lighten up, will you, Diane?

Well, I mean it.

You should have more pride than to do repugnant tasks

for people at their bidding.

You wanna wipe up that bar-sweat there?

Oh, right away.

Can I get you something?

No.

You okay?

Nor--

Norm Peterson invited me for a beer...

...at Cheers.

Well...

...he's sitting down right over there.

So that's him?

Hi. You must be John Parker.

Hi. Norm Peterson here.

I know. Yeah, I know.

It's really terrible what you have to do to me, isn't it?

You mean you know why you're here?

Everybody at the company knows about you.

Well, then, John, I guess there's really nothing left to say, is there?

What do you mean?

Where's my sympathy?

Where's the caring? Where--? Where's the tears?

Well...

I do feel bad for you, John.

Doesn't look like it.

No, honestly, John, I-- I feel just awful.

You have, like, foster children, I believe, right?

Yes. And one of them needs braces.

Oh, braces...

You know, Peterson,

I would rather have somebody come right out and fire me honestly

than fake sentiment. Now, you--

You hide your true feelings behind a shower of crocodile tears.

John, listen.

John, wait a second. Let me-- Let me try again, John.

Sickly parents.

Look at me. I'm dry as a bone.

Do you know what's happening to you, Norman?

You're becoming callous and hard.

Yeah, I know. Give me the phone...

...and a beer.

What are you doing?

- I'm quitting. - All right!

I'm calling Mr. Simpson in Personnel, tell him I'm resigning.

I'm gonna let the bosses do their own dirty work for a change.

Good man.

Mr. Simpson? Yes, this is Norm Peterson, sir.

We really have to have a lit-- Hello?

He screamed and hung up.

I'll try him again.

Yes, is this Mr. Simpson's secretary?

Hi. This is Norm Peterson. We seem to have been-- Hello?

Hello?

You see what's happening here, don't you?

Yeah.

This is amazing.

Why don't I just give Mr. Hecht a little call?

It was his scheme to begin with.

Why don't I just tell him how good the little plan is going.

Mr. Hecht?

This is Norm Peterson.