Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Delicious, Sammy. Fortunately, I've saved room for another.

Coming up.

Gentlemen, the keg is dry.

New keg coming out, gents.

We'll miss you.

Hey, guys, do we have to do this every time?

We don't have to, Sammy. It's an honor and a privilege.

- That's right. - The keg is dead. Long live the keg.

The keg!

Norm?

Normie, Normie, are you okay?

Oh, Cliff ie, I swore it wouldn't get to me this time.

Oh, hey, guys, I got a letter from Coach.

- He's in Ohio. - What's he doing in Ohio?

Family reunion.

There's some pictures in there of him with everybody.

Let me see.

Whoa, hey, that's-- that's a very attractive family there, Sam,

but how come everybody but the Coach is black?

Well, no, that's, that's not his family. He was sent an invitation by mistake.

He didn't wanna hurt anybody's feelings by not showing up.

Well, looks like they've accepted him.

Are you kidding? He's been going for the last six or seven years.

In fact, I think next year, they're gonna have it at his place.

Anyway, it says here-- Oh, yeah, yeah.

"Send my love to everybody at Cheers."

Then he signs it "Uncle Whitey."

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

What would you like, Norm?

A reason to live. Keep them coming.

You look a little peaked there, my friend.

I'll be all right, as soon as my dinner settles in.

- You didn't eat at the Hungry Heifer. - Yes, I did.

The place is all right.

I just didn't order the right thing.

Yeah, I just couldn't resist the muscles.

Hey, well, I love seafood.

No, no, no, it's a big, burly waiter makes you shut up and eat.

- Va-va-va-voom, eh, Norm? - I beg your pardon?

Hot babe there at 12:00.

I think it's the next notch on the old Clavin bedpost.

The only notches on your bedpost

come from banging your head in frustration.

Coming this way, Cliff ie.

It's times like these I pity you married guys.

Hi, I'm Paula Nelson.

- Oh, Norm Peterson. Hi. - Norm.

This smooth talker is Cliff Clavin.

Hello, Cliff.

May I buy you and your immigrant friend a beer?

- Absolutely. - Two beers, please.

I'm a reporter for Boston Scene magazine.

I'm hoping that you can give me some information

on the singles' scene here in Boston.

Have you met many women here at Cheers?

No, to tell you the truth, I haven't had much success,

but how could I compete with Cary Grant over there, you know?

I notice you're not writing.

Look, don't waste your time with these two geldings here.

Beat it. Beat it.

- Real smooth, Cliff ie. - Yeah, well...

Just a good thing she identified herself as a reporter, Norm.

Otherwise, she would be Dr. Feelgood's next patient.

Cliff, just how long did it take

for you to create this little world you live in?

If you really want the lowdown on the singles' scene,

you ought to be talking to the owner of the bar, Sam Malone.

He'll give you all the information you need,

and make you breakfast the next morning.

Since I've been writing this article, I've heard every pickup line imaginable.

I doubt that your Mr. Malone has anything

but a quote that would be of service to me.

Well, la-di-da.

Hey, good-looking, what you got cooking?

You must be Sam Malone.

The one and only.

Who might you be, and do you like Italian food?

I'm Paula Nelson.

- Hi, Paula. - Hi.

I'm writing an article on singles' bars for Boston Scene magazine.

What would you consider to be

the major allure of this bar for the singles crowd?

Well, you're gazing hungrily at him, honey.

You're unbelievable.

I think the big guy's gonna whiff on this one now.

No, never, not in a million years.

Would you say that Cheers has a reputation as a singles' bar?

I'll answer that question seriously if you answer one of mine seriously.

Okay.

Do you think it's possible for a man to satisfy a woman too much?

In the two weeks I've been doing research,

you're the first person who has hit on me so relentlessly

that I've terminated the interview.

- Well, you should've come to me first. - Won't you excuse me?

You're not really leaving, are you?

Oh, Sammy, dig it out.

Come on, you can do it, babe. You can do it.

Hey, come on.

You don't really think I was trying to pick you up with juvenile come-ons.

- Why wouldn't I? - Hey, you did! She did!

No, no. I was just giving you examples of some of the stupid things

that guys say around here to pick up women.

- I mean, it's sad, isn't it? - Yeah.

- Well, be that as it may... - Wait.

It would be fun to help you with your article here.

- Bet you want a quote. - Don't waste my time.

No, wait a second.

You know, I always say that if it wasn't for all the people

who say they never come to singles' bars,

singles' bars would be out of business.

Didn't Diane used to say that?

When you talk all the time, you're bound to say everything eventually.

- That's almost useable. - There's more where that came from.

Listen, I'll tell you, why don't we go up to Melville's.

I'll share some of my thoughts on the singles phenomenon

and we'll have a bowl of bouillabaisse.

Mr. Malone, is this another come-on?

Are you plying me with fish heads?

No, no, no, I promise.

We'll just talk about the article. Okay?

- I do love bouillabaisse. - Yeah?

Yeah, I hear it's an aphrodisiac.

But then again, when I'm around, even oxygen is an aphrodisiac.

I can't believe you're not writing down these impossibly crude come-ons.

No, Paula, I think probably the hardest part of my job

is the daily face-to-face encounter with loneliness.

Sammy!

- We're number one! - Number one! Number one!

Guys, does anybody remember anything

that Diane has said about impressionism?

No, but I know she makes a bad first one.

After that, it gets worse.

Why are you asking, Sam?

Well, I found out Paula likes French impressionists,

so I gotta find some smart things to say.

Yeah, she's an art buff

and I'm a Paula-in-the-buff buff.

Give up on this one, Sammy.

Listen, I'm doing just fine.

I've had two dates with her,

and as long as I just keep throwing out Diane-isms, there's no problem.

Haven't you had your fill of dames like that?

I thought that disaster with Diane

would have soured you on brainy women.

Or women. Or life.

Listen, I want that woman, Carla. Okay?

What's so special about this woman?

Well, if you must know, it's kind of embarrassing to admit,

but I've never had a reporter before.

Oh, get out.

Well, I never-- I never had a magazine reporter...

...from the Boston area...

...with a circulation of over a million.

- Yeah, go on. - Lately.

All right, Sammy, really, really, what's special about this one?

- I don't get it. - I understand it.

He always wants the ones he can't have.

Like this dame and me.

Listen, come on. Can't anybody think of something

that Diane said about painters?

Come on. She's out of your league, Sammy.

Face it, you're just one of us, one of the great unwashed.

- Excuse me, Sam. - Yeah.

I'm afraid I was all too brief in my response

to your inquiry about Cézanne.

Backgrounds were always very important to him,

even during his early periods.

Eventually, however,

he completely broke with Renaissance perspective.

Well, now, that-- That makes sense.

Thank you very much. That's great.

But that's still not the reason that his paintings look,

as you so eloquently put it, "like he was goofed on skunkweed."

- You know what I was talking about-- - No, no, I'm not putting you down.

I think your newfound interest in the arts is completely laudable.

And I'd like to think that I had something to do with it.

Oh, you did. You did.

- Keep it up, big lug. - Thank you.

Background... important. Ren-- Renaissance--

A-I-S-S-A-N-C-E.

--Perspective.

Give up, cucumber brain.

Hey, Sam, well, you got this textbook here.

What are you asking Diane questions for?

Well, it's more fun to steal than study.

Anyway, I think it's kind of a hot irony

to be using Diane's brain to get another woman's body.

I'll be in my office, studying.

Hey, Diane, how about those Pointillists, huh?

I think Seurat was the finest Naturalist of his time.

Yeah, well, you and me both, sister.

Well, Diane, I'm off to the fetish seminar.

I was hoping for some sort of a rapprochement

before I go out of town.

You know, Frasier, I thought I had seen you at your lowest last night

when you waited until the kiwi tarts and the demitasse

to announce that you are going to yet another seminar.

Diane, this is the most demanding relationship I've ever been involved in.

Diane, am I pronouncing this right?

- 'Giverny"? - Giverny.

Thank you.

Every time we try to have a discussion about something,

it turns into a-- What was that all about?

Sam is developing an interest in the impressionists.

"Hmm," what?

Hmm, this is suspicious.

I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.

Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.

Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant.

That I repeat myself. That I say things over and over.

You do repeat yourself on this subject.

And it's very cynical of you not to believe

that Sam is developing an appreciation--

A genuine appreciation, for culture.

I'm sorry, Diane, just one more art question here.

What is it, Sam?

All right. Excuse me.

Okay, now, this Rubens guy.

Is this the same guy that invented that sandwich?

No, I don't think so.

Well, okay. I was just wondering, because I tell you,

the women in his paintings look like they really tuck away the groceries.

You're right. He'll be a curator in no time.

I hate that attitude! I hate it!

It's obviously futile to try to talk to you when you're being so contentious.

Listen, this is the number where I can be reached,

should you be interested in rational discourse.

You'll rue the day you did that.

Oh, Frasier!

Diane...? Oh, damn.

Carla, do you remember if Diane said anything about

Renoir's Bather Seated on a Rock?

Sammy, would you give up on that egghead?

She's not good enough for you.

Besides, it didn't work before. It's not gonna work now.

No, it was altogether different before. This time I'm gonna do it right.

You really think it's worth all this trouble?

Carla, ever since that woman walked in this door, I've wanted her.

And I won't give up just because she thinks she's smarter than I am.

Well, I don't like her.

Well, you made that perfectly clear, but nothing's gonna stop me.

He wants me.

- Hi. - Hi.

Sam, if there's anything else I can do

to further stimulate and arouse your interest in the arts,

let me know.

- Thank you. - Don't mention it.

I'm so moved by your hunger

for knowledge.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

Afternoon, everybody.

So how was your meal at the Hungry Heifer?

Well, Cliff was a little fussy at first,

but I think I made a convert out of this guy.

Really?

Well, yeah, my steak was a little gristly,

but what do you expect from a place

decorated with a mural depicting the Heimlich maneuver?

Carla, take the bar for a minute, will you?

I got an important phone call to make here.

Yeah, Cliff ie had himself the Ton o' T-Bone.

For less than 4 bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice beff.

"beff"? No, you mean beef.

Beef?

Don't be ridiculous, Cliff ie. That stuff is beff.

See, it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic...

What? Meat-like substance, I guess.

Oh, no.

Come on, what do you expect for four bucks?

You see me complaining about the loobster?

Hi, this is Sam Malone.

You remember me, do you? Well, that's great.

Listen, I'd like to make a reservation for tomorrow night,

but I want a particular room.

Do you remember when I was there before

with a slender blond who was crazy about me?

Yeah, I want-- I want the same room.

It-- Let's see, it had a fireplace and a deck and a hot tub.

Yeah, that's the one. I'd like to have that one, if you don't mind.

Yeah, I'm hoping it'll create the same old magic.

Yeah, all right. Thank you very much.

I'll see you tomorrow night. Bye-bye.

Sammy, I hate to cast a shadow over your good time,

but have you given any thought as to who

is gonna be making drinks tomorrow while you're making whoopee?

No. Damn. I didn't think about that.

Well, you can handle yourself behind the bar, can't you?

Give up waiting on tables?

I get my heaviest tips in my third trimester.

Well, what do you think?

You think Diane's ready to handle this by herself?

Diane? What are you talking about?

Come on, she's a worse bartender than she is a waitress.

Besides, that day you made her do it for a couple of hours, she hated it.

Well, I'll just have to ask her nice, that's all.

- Well, good luck, and good night. - Yeah, good night.

Well, Sam, I guess I'll be going home,

unless there's something you'd like to talk to me about.

Now that we're almost alone and you have a private moment.

Well, actually, there is something I'd like to ask you.

Ask away.

You know, you've been acting kind of strange today. ls there...?

Well, I've had something on my mind.

Well, yeah, me too.

This is gonna be pretty tough to ask you, actually.

Sam, if it makes it any easier, I know what you're going to ask.

- You do? - Yes.

I overheard your conversation.

Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it.

You're going to ask about this weekend, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, listen,

I know the first time we tried this, it didn't turn out too hot,

but I'm gonna take full responsibility for that.

Well, I'm sure that I was at fault too.

Well, whatever. Whatever.

I think the important thing is that it'll be better this time.

Now you know where everything is.

Well, I suppose that's true.

Yeah, I'll tell you what. If you like this weekend,

maybe we can talk about making it permanent. What do you say?

Permanent?

Is that you want, Sam?

Well, I'm not making any promises here.

Let's just see how-- See how the weekend goes, okay?

Is tomorrow at three okay? Because I already made reservations.

I know, and...

Sam, I'm... I'm just overwhelmed.

Oh, come on. You don't have to be nervous.

Listen, after your first couple of drinks,

you'll relax, get into it, and I think you'll actually enjoy it.

Well, it does seem to help.

- Oh, Sam! - What? What? What?

Well, everything's going so fast. My mind is a tumult.

I feel like we're on a runaway train. Where will it end?

I've gotta think about this. I'm sorry.

Boy, you really are taking this seriously.

Hey, listen. Don't worry. If you break anything, I'm fully insured.

- Oh, excuse me. - My fault.

- Oh, you take it. - Oh, no, no. You.

Thank you.

Nice day for a trip, huh?

Yes, isn't it?

- Where are you off to...? - Paula.

- Diane. - Diane.

I'm going away with a gentleman for the weekend.

This is a coincidence, so am I.

And you're meeting him here?

- Yes. - Me too.

- Small world, huh? - Yeah.

You know, it's my first weekend with this guy

and I just hope I'm not making a big mistake.

Frankly, he's got me puzzled.

I start to think he's a big, dumb jerk

and then he says something kind of intelligent.

Well, I'm lucky. I know mine's a big, dumb jerk.

But we have something that just won't die.

Kind of like crabgrass.

That's a lovely thought.

You know, I know I may be making the biggest mistake of my life.

- I'm seeing an eminent psychiatrist now. - Oh, so am I. Is it helping you?

No. No, no, I mean, romantically.

And I may be giving all of that up just to rekindle

a mostly physical relationship

whose only appeal may be its danger.

So where are you going with this guy?

He's taking me to an inn on the coast of Maine.

This is amazing.

- Oh, you don't mean--? - Yes.

- Oh, my God. - Hey, Paula.

- Sam. - Boy, good to see you.

You too.

You ready for a trip down ecstasy lane?

- Yes, I think so. - Good.

- Hey, Diane, how you doing? - Fine, great, great.

- Really well. - Good. Listen...

- ...you gonna be all right by yourself? - Oh, you bet.

You two just go off and have yourselves a terribly nice time.

Okay. Yeah, thank you, thank you.

Listen, if you run into any problem, Carla knows where to reach me.

- I appreciate this. - Goodbye, Diane.

What's with the suitcase?

Oh, that's not my suitcase.

Who said it was my suitcase?

- No, no. - Well, it looks like yours.

Oh, well, there are a million of these around.

No, this one belongs to this gentleman.

Sir?

Really...

Now, don't leave this lying around.

Anybody could just walk right off with it.

It'll never happen again.

Well, have fun, Sam.

Yes, yes.

Thank you, I will.

You!

Still, that's the most fun I've had since 1958.