All language subtitles for Cheers.S03E18.Bar.Bet.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

- Chekhov.
- No. No, Norm, Ibsen. It was Ibsen.

I tell you, it was Chekhov, Cliff ie.

I can remember what it was.
It was The Cherry Orchard.

You're full of it, Norm. It was Ibsen.
It was The Master Builder.

Chekhov. It was Chekhov,
I'm telling you.

- Ibsen, Ibsen, Ibsen.
- Chekhov, Chekhov, Chekhov.

Excuse me. I don't mean
to stop you by any means,

but you are talking about
Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen?

Of course, we're talking about
Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen.

- Now, Cliff ie, listen to me on this one.
- This is wonderful.

Perhaps I might be of some assistance.

I would love, in some small way,
to contribute to your literary inquiry.

- Well, I suppose she can help, huh?
- Please, please.

- Oh, yeah. If anybody can, you can.
- I'd like to think so.

- Really?
- Yeah. Okay, all right.

What were you watching
on TV that night

that Norm stuffed his face
full of cheese doodles

and whistled The Way We Were?

Ibsen...

and it was taco chips.

- Pay up. Let's go.
- All right, all right.

Now that I think of it, I guess it was
Chekhov and cheese doodles

the night Artie Sullivan tried to prove
he could comb his hair with his feet.

Yeah, you're on thin ice

arguing the classics
with me there, Buckaroo.

Hey, Sammy, long time.

Hey, yeah, it has been a long time.
How've you been?

- Oh, about the same. And you?
- Well, you know me. I never change.

- What'll you have, huh?
- I'll have my usual.

- Are you still drinking that stuff?
- Yeah.

Who is that guy?

- I don't know. He's your friend.
- No. I've never seen him before.

Any of you guys know that guy?

No. Trust me, Sam. The man's never
been in this place before.

I'm very good at placing faces.

Yeah? Then place yours
where we can't see it.

Boy...

I wish Coach were here.
He'd know who he was.

Where is the Coach?

He went to get
his driver's license renewed.

He'll be back next week.

- What's taking him so long?
- He went up to Vermont.

He heard the test
was a lot easier up there.

Sam, why don't you just ask this man
what his name is?

Better one minute of embarrassment
than making a fool of yourself.

No, too easy.

I can handle this.

You know how good I am
at thinking on my feet.

Well, I have seen you
add and subtract on them.

Subtraction must kind of hurt, huh?

Watch and learn.

Hey, instead of your usual,

I thought you might like
a Manhattan here, huh?

- Well, Manhattan is my usual.
- Gotcha.

Oh, I get it.

- Yeah, how's work doing, huh?
- Oh, fine.

Yeah, you still work
in the same place?

What was the name of that?
It's got a real funny name.

- My house.
- My House. Right.

Yeah, I still get a kick out of that.

Yeah, I'm still working the same
crummy job stuffing envelopes,

but I'm glad you find that funny.

I didn't mean funny in the--
In the humorous sense.

I meant funny more in the...
Who the hell are you?

I'm Eddie Gordon.

Eddie-- Eddie Gordon?

- I don't know who Eddie Gordon is.
- Well, you should.

About a year ago,
you bet me your bar

that you could marry
Jacqueline Bisset

by midnight tomorrow.

I bet-- Oh, come on.
Who the hell would...

Oh, Eddie Gordon.

How the hell you doing, Eddie?

- Is it coming back to you, Sam?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy...

Afraid I had
a few too many that night.

No, no, you had
a lot too many that night.

Well, I was going through
a pretty rough period.

So how are you and Jackie
getting along?

You know, I felt a little slighted
when I wasn't invited to the wedding.

Boy, I must have been
drinking tequila, huh?

Yeah, I always want Jacqueline Bisset
when I drink tequila.

But I bet
you don't always write it down,

signing your name
in front of witnesses.

- Did that too, huh?
- Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy.

Hey, listen,
this was obviously a joke, Eddie.

Come on, now. I'm no expert,

but I know a little bit about the law,
and this sounds like a crock, pal.

There's no way
you'll ever own this bar.

Well, when I take over, I'm thinking
of serving free chicken wings.

Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.

What do you think of those
little meatballs? You know, those...

Get a Sterno flame...

You know, I don't want you
to take this personally, Eddie,

- but as a drinking partner, you stink.
- Well, sorry you feel that way, Sam.

Look, I'll see you
tomorrow at midnight...

- when the bar becomes mine.
- Have you thought about serving

those little crab puffs?
They've very popular.

Yes. Melville's has a recipe
with a mustard sauce.

You know, listen,
if you're serious about this,

- you don't have a leg to stand on.
- Most snakes don't.

Well, we'll find out in court.

Yeah, my attorney,
he's looked it over

and he says we got a shot.

And Sam, don't get so upset.

You're still going to have your job.

I'm going to need a bartender.

You actually went out drinking
with that man?

That's not the worst of it.
I think I picked up the bill.

This has got to be a joke,
doesn't it?

Hey, why don't you let an attorney
take a look at that, huh, Sam?

Do you know of one?
Or have you finally passed

the Massachusetts bar
under the rarely used pity clause?

You know, when I pass
my bar exam, Cliff,

you're going to eat your words.

Yeah, if I've got any teeth left.

All right, all right, what do think there,
Mr. Witless for the Prosecution?

Well, it appears that you
and Eddie Gordon

signed an agreement which
may or may not be binding.

Tom, knock off the legalese,
will you?

Talk to us in a language
we can understand here.

You want to trust me here, Sam?
This thing will never hold up.

You were drunk at the time, right?

And besides, it's not a contract.
It's a wager.

You're going to win this case easy.

- Tom's right.
- Thank you.

Let this Eddie press his case.

We'll engage an excellent lawyer
and make a monkey out of that man.

Oh, boy...

What? What's wrong?

If you don't trust Tom,
get a second opinion.

Yeah.

No, I--
I can't let Eddie take me to court.

Why not?

I'd have to stand up and testify
that I was drunk

and made an idiot out of myself.

- You're worried about the publicity?
- Yeah.

I mean, the press
wasn't exactly kind to me

when I drank myself out of baseball.

I'd almost rather lose the bar
than go through that humiliation again.

Oh, Sam.

Quit acting human. It confuses me.

I don't suppose
you could just go ahead

- and marry her, could you?
- Oh, yeah.

Find, meet, woo Jacqueline Bisset
in two days?

No, it'd take at least a week.

Are you kidding? Are you kidding me?
Five working days tops, Sam.

Hey, wait, I got an idea.

You mean you've actually
conceived something besides a child?

A bitter and unprovoked attack.
I like it.

- What? What have you got?
- Sam, this thing here,

it doesn't say anything
about having to marry

the Jacqueline Bisset
the movie actress.

There's got to be more than one
Jacqueline Bisset in the world.

Marry one of those, win the bet,
and get a quick divorce.

Eddie won't be able to say a thing.

You mean all I have to do
is find another Jacqueline Bisset

and marry her by tomorrow night?
Oh, it can't be that simple.

- Sam--
- Hush, hush, hush, I'm thinking.

Someone note the date
and the time.

Guys, you've got to help me here.

We've got to call information
all over the country.

Yeah, well, Sammy,
I think I can already help you out there.

At home, I happen
to have the phone books

of every major metropolitan area
in the country.

- Why?
- Well, I'm just one of those people

- who collects phone book cover art.
- One of those.

Well, this is going to be fun.
We'll divide them up,

we'll call all over the country,

and find anybody
with the last name "Bisset,"

ask them if they have a relative
named "Jacqueline,"

and then talk them into coming up
to Boston. Are you with me?

- So much for the sun belt.
- Norm!

Norm, you philistine. You just put
a fold in Sunrise Over Albuquerque.

Hey, boys, boys, boys...

I would have thought there'd be
a few Jacqueline Bissets around.

It can't be that uncommon a name.

Sam, I've got a Jacqueline Bisset
on the phone.

- Pay dirt.
- She sounds real sweet.

There's just one catch.

She's 93:
She lives in a rest home in Maine.

- So is she married?
- I didn't ask.

- Well, ask.
- Are you married?

Got a 94-year-old husband.

Been married 73 years.

Happy years?

Sammy?

Sam, just talked to a man
in Green Bank, West Virginia.

He's got a granddaughter
named Jacqueline Bisset,

26 years old and unmarried.

- That's great. Let me talk to her.
- No, I already did.

Jackie'll be here tomorrow morning.

- How'd you do it?
- A little ingenuity, you know.

I-- I told her she won a trip to Boston
in a radio game show.

Yeah, so once she gets here,

all you have to do is
convince her to marry you.

- I could kiss you, man.
- Well, yeah, you can, but I warn you,

you're not going to get anywhere.

Yeah, well, I offered her
a few prizes too, Sam,

- you know, to induce her to come up.
- Yeah, that's fine. Like what?

Free round-trip airfare, first class,

suite at the Ritz, free historical tour,
a matched set of luggage, you know.

Why didn't you just offer her
a car, Cliff?

Well, I did,
but she took the cash instead.

Only kidding, Sammy.

The point is she'll be here.

You're right. You're right,
my problems are over.

Sam, aren't you forgetting
one important step?

- What?
- You still have to get her to marry you.

Well, it's no problem.
As soon as I get her face-to-face,

she'll fall
under the old Sammy spell.

Oh, you killer.

Sam Malone,
your vanity knows no bounds.

All the same, I guess I ought to wear
something kind of nice. My best outfit.

Say, Diane, when you dream of me,
what am I wearing?

An ant hill.

Congratulations, Coach.

I mean, all the weeks of cramming,
burning the midnight oil,

and drilling with your friends.
You know, I mean, it's all paid off.

We're proud of you.
Yeah, all right. Take care.

- Coach passed his driver's test?
- No, he found Vermont.

So when's your ex-wife-to-be
to be here?

She's supposed to be here now.

Cliff was supposed to pick her
up at the airport two hours ago.

- Are you all ready for her?
- I-- I don't know. What do you think?

Yes. Any girl would jump
at the chance to marry you.

Sam, there is one problem,
however.

I believe I detect a hint of fresh air
cutting through your cologne.

You're kidding.

Must have missed a couple
of important pulse points, huh?

All right. Thank you.

Well, this is Cheers, Miss Bisset,
and that's Sam Malone.

Well, he is good-looking.

The bad news is he talks.

Sammy, Jackie Bisset.
Miss Bisset, Sam Malone.

Oh, boy. Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.

Cliff, why don't you
set those bags down right here?

Why don't you come sit
by the bar here?

Listen, did...?

- Did Cliff explain why we need you?
- Yes, he did,

and I'm not marrying anybody,
except in the usual way

where the groom
isn't a total stranger.

Well, I understand that.
I understand that.

But this isn't really
like a real marriage. I mean,

it's just for a few hours
until I win a bet,

then we'll get it annulled tomorrow.

No fuss, no muss.
Hey, listen, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you just consider it
a warm-up for the real thing?

No. I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested.

Listen, I almost didn't make this trip

when I thought it was
a legitimate contest.

But I said to myself,
"Now, Jackie Bisset, nothing like this

is ever going to happen to you again."
And so I kissed my dog, Smiley,

and waved goodbye to my Pa,
and here I am.

Knock it off.

You don't talk like that.

Listen, I know this whole thing's
been handled in a very stupid way,

I mean, it's ridiculous,
but I really am in a jam here.

I'll tell you what, you know,
we promised you a guided tour.

Why don't I take you for a ride
around the city, show you the sights,

and I'll explain my whole story here.
I know just the place to start too--

City Hall. Very historic,
and we could get a marriage license.

- I really don't think so. No.
- Come on.

What's holding you up here?

You have a chance to help one
of the greatest guys in the world.

I barely know him.

Well, let me fill you in.

Anybody here would do
anything for this guy.

- Well...
- Right?

- Right.
- Exactly.

Look, look, look.
Just hear him out.

Please. All right?

Well, I never have been to Boston.
I always wanted to see it.

Well, I'll tell you what,

you tell me your story,
and I'll think about it.

You've got a deal.
You're going to love this,

the Sam Malone Pre-Nuptial Tour.

We'll start off
with the USS Constitution,

then we'll go
to the old North Church,

Paul Revere's house,
and then we'll top it off

with the traditional
Boston blood test.

All those places
are right here in Boston, huh?

Yes, Norman.

This town is a veritable treasure trove
of historical monuments.

That's really something.

And thousands of people
flock to Boston

just to see all those sights

and soak up a lot
of American heritage,

and I sit here in a bar
night after night guzzling beer.

- Sad, isn't it?
- Yeah...

but, hey, no one's forcing them.

My, it's getting late.

Yeah. Sammy must be having
a hard time talking Jackie into it.

Yes, and if he doesn't get back
in a year,

his cologne will wear off.

I don't know why he's going
to so much trouble.

I was discussing this case
this morning

with one of my law professors.

Was that before or after he scratched
himself and ate a banana?

Are you calling him an ape?
You know something, Clavin?

One of these days, boy,
I'm just going to...

I-- I don't know what.

That man would be magnificent
in front of a jury.

Oh, Sam, thank you so much.

That was the most fun day
of my whole life.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Why don't you sit here

and I'll make you a little
cup of tea or something.

Boston is such a lovely city.

Guess what. When we were on
the Constitution,

somebody recognized Sam.

I didn't know he was a celebrity.

Cut the chit-chat.

Is Mammy Yokum going
to marry you or not?

Well, she hasn't decided.

- What do you say, Jackie?
- I don't know.

Try to understand, Sam,
I always thought my wedding day

would be something
really beautiful and special.

It will be. We'll get a minister,
and we'll have it right here in the bar.

In a bar? You think that's
beautiful and special?

Maybe you're asking the wrong guy.

It's quarter to 12:
I don't have much time here.

I hate to press you, but you to have
to decide to go through with this now

- or I'll have to think of something else.
- He's already thought once today.

- This is all happening so fast.
- Fast?

It's been eight hours.

By the time I knew
my ex-husband that long,

he'd already cheated on me.

Well...

I was always raised to believe
you should help people when you can.

I'm getting married!

Listen, do you mind
if I call home first?

I'd like to tell my Pa about it.

Sure, sure.
Come into my office here.

Yeah, and don't forget
to tell Billy-Joe-Bob-Jim.

Don't take too long.
We don't have much time.

Oh, boy.

Sam, I have dire news.

Good or bad?

That was Justice Fiedler's secretary.

The Justice is running a little late.

Late? What the hell
has he got to do?

Well, his wife is having a baby.

Well, so? His work was finished
a long time ago.

Well, I'm sorry,
but what am I supposed to do now?

We don't have that much time
to call somebody else.

It's not like we get
justices of the peace and ministers

walking in this bar every day.

Don't be too sure, my son.

- What?
- You, Norman?

Yeah. Back in the '60s, I sent
a dollar to one of those churches

that advertised in the back
of Rolling Stone.

I'm an official minister

of the Church of the Living Desert.

What, did you want
to get out of the draft or...?

No, no. We were just goofing around,
you know.

Some friends and I
were over at the accounting club

getting high smelling
adding-machine ribbons, you know?

It seemed funny. I don't know.
Of course, in that mindless state,

even this business
used to seem funny.

It reminded me
of something else at the time.

- Hello.
- Justice Fiedler.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Well, I'm sorry I'm so late,

- but I just became a father.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled.

Now get your flabby buns over here.

Come on, we've only got
a few minutes.

No, Carla.
Carla, stay out of this, will you?

- Here's your pulpit.
- Actually,

we are in a kind of a hurry.
Could you do this quickly?

Yes, I see there's
a certain urgency here.

Oh, by the way,
it's a boy, nine pounds.

Just what the world needed.

- Hello, everybody.
- Oh, you're just in time, Eddie.

Yeah, just in time for my wedding.
I'm about to marry Jacqueline Bisset.

- Oh, don't make me laugh.
- Come here.

See her, the girl on the phone?

Wow, Jacqueline Bisset.

What happened to her?

It's not the movie star, Eddie.
Nobody said anything about that.

The bet was Jacqueline Bisset,
and that's the lady's name.

- She's got lots of ID to prove it too.
- What is this, a trick?

No, it's no trick.
He's winning the bet.

So why don't you
just call Sam the winner

and forget the whole thing?

Are you actually going
to marry that woman?

You bet I am. This is the justice
of the peace, Mr. Fiedler.

Yes, and father
of the miracle baby.

Give it a rest, will you?

Look, Sam, I don't know
if it's necessary

- for you to go to all this trouble.
- You're going to call the bet off?

No, I think he has
an arrangement in mind.

That's right. Maybe you and I can
work out some kind of a settlement.

That's what you've been looking for
all along, haven't you?

- Quiet, Blondie.
- Yeah.

This is between us men
of the world.

Now, I'll consider
dropping the whole matter

for, maybe, five grand.

Absolutely not. You're getting
nothing from me, Eddie.

Okay. All right. Okay, Sam.

I'll consider us square
if you give me and a date

- free drinks for the rest of my life.
- Nope.

Do it, Sam. I'd almost like to see
what would go out with him.

Besides me, I mean.

Well, he kind of
grows on you, you know.

- Free drinks for the rest of the year?
- Sorry. Absolutely not.

All right, all right.
Look, one on the house?

- Not a chance.
- Gee, come on, Sam.

How about one of those olives
with a pimento in it?

You think about this the next time
you shoot your mouth off in some bar.

Drinks on the house, huh?

See, I always land on my feet, huh?

Well, sometimes
on somebody else's.

Have you thought about
what you've done to that poor girl?

Which one?

- Jackie.
- Oh, Jackie. Oh, that's right.

She still thinks we're getting
married, doesn't she?

Well, she didn't want to do it
in the first place. That's all right.

Sam, did you see
the look on her face?

She's a simple girl
from a rural environment

who finds herself in the big city
being entertained

by a slightly attractive semi-celebrity.

- How could her head not be turned?
- Yeah, maybe you're right.

Well, you think I laid on
the old charm too thick, huh?

Yes, but she's a farm girl.

She's used to stepping
around such things.

Sam, guess what?
I told my Pa all about this,

and he's a baseball fan,
and he remembers you, sort of.

Well, that was
the kind of player I was.

- Isn't that great?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that--
Boy, this is going to be sticky.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Well, you know, when you--

Why don't you do this?
You're a little smarter than I am.

I'm a lot smarter than you are.

This paper napkin is a little smarter.

Jackie, there won't be
a wedding today.

- What about the bet?
- Well, the bet was called off.

Sam gets to keep his bar.

- Well, that's good.
- Yes.

Jackie, let's be honest.

Weren't you falling for Sam
just a little bit?

Sam? Oh, no.

Come on, now,
he's a very attractive man.

Yes, almost as attractive
as he thinks he is.

The only time he stopped
complimenting himself all day

was to ask me if I wanted to.

I like you.

I like you too, Diane.

Say, you work here. You must see
the girls Sam goes out with.

I mean, what sort of girl
would fall for Sam anyway?

Pathetic wretches.

It would have to be someone
lacking in self-respect,

as shallow as he is,
and as empty-headed.

Amen.

So, Jackie,

is Diane making you feel a little
bit better about what happened?

- Yes, she is.
- Good.

You know, she'd be
the one to understand.

You know, for a whole year,
this little filly and I--

More tea?

Thank you.