Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Eh, so, Norm,

any luck impregnating Vera?

God, I miss the good old days when people used to ask me things like,

"How're those Red Sox doing?' Things like that.

Well, excuse me for caring.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Larry, uh, just a little edgy, you know?

You have to understand. I've gone an entire month with sex.

Yeah, it's all right, Normie.

Uh, Larry understands you. Don't you, Larry?

But, look, you've been, uh, trying for quite a few weeks now

and you've yet to strike pay dirt.

Can I, uh, can I ask you a personal question?

Heaven forbid this conversation'd get personal now.

Have you, uh, have you been to a fertility specialist?

Yeah, yeah, actually we have, but I don't have a lot of faith in this guy.

He's got Vera sprinkling powdered rhinoceros horn

on my cereal in the morning.

Uh, does it make you feel more virile, Normie?

Not really, but every now and then I get this urge to charge a Jeep.

Afternoon, everybody!

Norm!

Norman.

Uh, what would you say to a beer, Normie?

Daddy wuvs you.

Yi! It's freezing in here.

Didn't you hear? We're giving our appliances the winter off.

There's some kind of blockage in the heating system.

The furnace is working, but we're not getting any hot air.

- What's Sammy going to do about it? - You know,

I cannot believe this helplessness.

How about a little Yankee ingenuity here?

If Cheers were burning, would you wait for Sam to get back to do something about it?

No, Diane, 'cause I already taught them the fire drill.

We all file out in an orderly fashion after nailing your hair to the bar.

Well, Clifford, we don't usually see you in here this early.

Oh, I'm sick, Diane.

I must be coming down with something.

Thought I'd get some coffee here before I finish my route.

No, Cliff, a brandy. Let me get you a nice brandy.

No, Coach, I hope I'm never that ill. As long as I'm carrying this bag,

that's one thing that'll never touch these lips.

You mean, there's something that wants to?

Alcohol.

I'm on duty, Carla.

Just a coffee, please, Coach.

I can do better than that for you, Cliff ie.

Will somebody go upstairs to Melville's, please,

and get this man a bowl of hot soup?

What happened to the heat, Coach?

Oh, some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough

to even attempt to fix.

Diane, I resent that. I'm kind of a handy guy.

I'll have you know just the other day, I, uh, changed one of them,

- uh, what do you call them? - A light bulb?

A light bulb. There you go, Carla.

Why don't you just call in sick?

Oh, no, I could never do that, Diane.

It's a matter of principle with me.

I've got to be on the verge of death

before I take sick leave.

I thought you used it all up to go to Florida.

You got a problem with that?

Here you go, Cliff ie.

- Oh, thank you, Norm. - Here's some soup, huh?

- How many letters you got left, huh? - I don't know, seven or eight.

Hmm, boy, this tastes good.

Hey, you know something? These are all on my way home.

Let me drop these off for you, Cliff ie. I got to go home anyway.

Oh, oh, no, you're not trained. You're not qualified.

What qualified? You drop them in a slot. A chimp could do it.

Are you kidding? No way.

They did a study at the University of Michigan.

Chimps were 32% slower.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know,

they were better with customer relations and everything, but...

Clifford, the man is offering to do you a favor

out of friendship for your own good.

Cliff, sounds like you have two options here. You let me deliver these

or run the risk of... non-delivery--

-livery, -livery, -livery, -livery...

I'll drop these off.

Oh, thank you, Normie.

And just remember, in those envelopes

are the dreams, hopes, and fears of the nation.

Yeah, and several car wash announcements.

Hey, everybody.

Ho, boy, holy cow! What happened here?

It's warmer up in the mountains, and we were au naturel.

Hey, Coach, did you, uh, check the furnace?

It's not the furnace, Sam, it's that damn vent.

I called the repairman, that old buddy of mine. He's on his way over.

Oh good. Well, Bambi, it looks like it's up to you and me

to generate a little heat for these folks, huh?

Don't bother. We'll just huddle around a 3-watt light bulb.

Feisty little barmaid.

I took her in off the streets.

She's crude, but devoted.

You know, I had a terrific time. Thank you.

Thank you, Sam.

- It was the best ski trip I ever had. - Yeah, me, too.

Did you find any time for skiing?

No, darn it! You know, somebody stole our skis.

We had to spend the whole weekend in the lodge.

That's too bad.

Yeah, but when we were leaving this morning,

they turned up in the rack on the roof of Sam's car.

Yeah, some kids must have stolen them

for a... joy ski.

- Disrespectful punks! - Yeah.

Well, I've got to get going.

- I have to be at BU in half an hour. - Okay. BU?

That's, uh, Boston University, isn't it, Bambi?

- Uh-huh, that's right. - Yeah, where all the smart types hang out.

What are you studying there?

Oh, I'm not studying anything.

I'm going to be part of a fraternity stunt.

Yeah, she's, uh,

she's tutoring some of the boys.

Well, in a way...

- Yeah. Ha. - See you later, Sam.

Yeah, you take care.

Oh, boy, look at that.

Well, I guess I better take a look at this air duct here, huh?

You know, sometimes the problem's right over here.

"Bambi"?

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Well, I suppose it's better than Dumbo or Goofy.

Not as appropriate, but...

Coach, can I have my flashlight, please?

You know, Sam...

I can't help but noticing

that Bambi wasn't the same little deer

that you left here with on Friday.

No, I got rid of Cindy.

Hmm. We weren't compatible.

Really? What was the problem there?

- Dumb as a post. - Oh.

With so much in common,

I can't imagine why you two went awry.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, she just wasn't my intellectual equal.

You should have told me you were looking for your intellectual equal.

I could introduce you to something that's growing on my shower curtain.

Well, thank you, Diane,

but I think I'll wait and see how Bambi works out.

Well, I guess I've done just about everything I know what to do here.

You shined a flashlight on it.

Yeah, usually works, too. Boy, this one's really got me stumped.

Hey, uh, could somebody go up to Melville's,

get me a little bit more soup? What about you, Larry?

You're not, uh, doing anything really important there, are you?

- Yeah, yeah, all right. - Yeah, good man.

Thanks a lot.

I suppose you want some crackers?

Uh, well, those low-sodium kind, all right?

- What's he doing in my office? - Sam, the guy is sick as a dog.

Oh, yeah, actually, Coach, I'm, you know, I'm not so bad now.

I could probably sit up at the bar there, let Larry bring dinner down to me.

Cliff Clavin?

Oh, uh, yeah, officer. Uh, what's the trouble?

You know a Norm Peterson?

Yeah. Yeah, well, what is it?

Uh, we have him down at the station.

We've arrested him for mail theft.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you made a mistake there, officer.

No, no, there's no mistake. We caught him red-handed,

messing with the mailboxes on your route. He had a, uh, handful of letters

- and he said he was delivering them for you. - Yeah, I asked him to.

- You asked him to? - Yeah.

Well, uh, you're out of a job, fella.

Oh, uh, excuse me, officer, uh, you interrupted me before I finished.

See, I asked him to quit following me.

I mean, the guy, I had him pegged as a sociopath right away.

See, he's a frustrated mailman, uh, we call it "postal envy."

Yeah, so...

uh, so anything, uh, serious going to happen to this ne'er-do-well?

Not serious enough.

Yeah, whew, damn it. I rue the day they outlawed flogging.

- Bleeding hearts. - Oh, ooh, yeah.

So, uh, how well do you know this guy?

Well, you know, we, uh, talk every now and then.

- He's a portly guy, isn't he? - Full-size.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, uh, what actually is going to happen to this, uh, Patterson fella?

- Peterson. - Excuse me.

Officer, I'm the owner of the bar here. Sam Malone. Uh, is there a problem?

- No. - Oh, no, no, some guy

tried to implicate this letter carrier here in a mail theft on his route.

Crazy, huh?

You're kidding me. Mail theft?

That's ridiculous. I've known Cliff for years.

He wouldn't be involved in something like that.

Yeah, you're a fine bartender, Sammy.

You, sir, are sure one of Boston's finest.

Well, thanks. We just had to check out the story.

Well, and check it out you did.

By the way, the Federal government appreciates

the cooperation of you local boys.

Let's just hope our penal system can rehabilitate the wretch.

Thank you, officer.

Can you believe that? Hey, guys, did you hear that?

Yeah, Sammy, what do you say we go shoot some stick, huh?

Sure, why not? Yeah, they arrested some guy on Cliff's route for mail theft.

You want eight-ball or straight pool or your choice--

Wait a minute! Norman was finishing your route.

- Clifford? - Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that? Norm?

- Well... - You mean that they arrested Norm?

- You didn't straighten the cop out? - Well, not exactly.

- It's a little bit complicated. - So, Sam, you want to break, you want me--

Clifford, get back here!

Oh, look, isn't it obvious what I did here?

Yeah, it's obvious what you've done.

You've run your best friend Norm up the river.

We're in trouble here. My job's hanging by a thread.

Yeah, Norm's in jail anyway.

Just leave him there a little while longer while I figure out

what's the best thing to do for all concerned here. Norm'll be okay.

Hey, you know, Norm isn't at some party, you know?

I mean, by now, he's probably had all his valuables taken,

been strip-searched, been deloused,

and thrown into some dark, cold cell with a sex-starved pervert.

So? That's how he describes a typical evening at home.

Hey, hey, hey, Clifford! come on!

The reason I called you, sir is because I'm looking for an attorney

that specializes in criminal, federal offenses.

Yeah, you're going to be defending the best friend I have in the entire world

and money is no object.

How much? For one guy?

Stick your writ in your briefs, you ambulance chaser.

Oh, let's let some young, hungry public defender

make a name for himself on this one, all right?

Look, I wish you'd see this through my eyes.

I'd like to see this through your eyes.

Oh, come on, Carla.

Norm's such a sweet, cuddly guy.

Ah, the jury'll take one look into his sad eyes

and there's no way they're going to fry him,

whereas my whole career could hang in the balance.

I'd like to see you hang in the balance.

Yeah, I notice a certain re-occurring theme in your comments here, Carla.

Look, Norm was doing you a favor.

You don't even know if you're going to get into trouble, Cliff ie.

Come on, will you get off my back? All right, look,

if this is what I got to do, I'll do the gutsy thing and call the post office

and get Norm out of there.

I'll just call them and, uh, tell them it was the O'Hara kid.

Yeah, yeah, he wouldn't mind spending some time in jail, if you get my drift.

Hey, hey, where's your sense of humor?

If Norm was here, he'd be laughing.

If Norm was here, he'd be tearing out your tonsils and feeding them to you.

Yeah, and laughing.

All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is,

but it's got to be anonymous.

Okay, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand.

It's anonymous.

Not even an extension.

Yeah, it's just what I wanted to hear.

Oh, how'd you make out, Sam?

Lousy.

They won't let Norm go

unless the post office drops charges,

which means Cliff's going to have to tell the truth.

I got to talk to him.

- He's on the phone now. - Confessing?

Nah, no. He's, uh, finding out what would happen if he did.

Meantime, you got some other problems.

What, what? Uh, the furnace guy didn't show up?

No, no, and we decided somebody should

climb into the duct and try to open it.

- Who? - The skinniest person we could think of.

Hah! You're kidding me! Diane actually agreed

- to crawl around in the air ducts? - She had to.

She'd been shooting her face off about it all day.

- Where is she now? - I'm beneath you, Sam.

Oh, I always knew that, but...

Oh! My goodness!

Well, looky here!

- How about that? - I'm glad you find this amusing.

Well, what're you doing down there, huh?

Aerobics, you idiot.

Well, why don't you get out of there, silly, so I can fix it?

I can't crawl any farther and my clothes are snagged on something,

so I can't back up. I'm stuck right here.

Okay, egg-toss fans, step right up.

Hit the geek and win a beer!

Three eggs for a nickel.

Sam, aren't you going to step in here?

You bet your booties I am. I only got a dime here,

- so give me six, Carla. - Sam, please!

Oh, Carla, how could you suggest such a thing?

Terrible.

Tell you what I'll do,

I'll go down in the basement and see if I can get you out, all right?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Oh, Sam? - Yeah?

Will you put the grate back, please? Someone almost stepped on my face...

with the cutest little satin pumps.

- Ooh. - Thanks.

- S'all right? - S'all right.

Well, my supervisor confirmed exactly what I had suspected all along.

That he hired you as a token weenie?

No, he told me that a courier who lets somebody else deliver his mail for him

could face a hearing where, depending on his prior record,

he could be suspended or even relieved from duty.

- What about Norm? - Carla, look, you know as well as I do,

Normie's got no previous record.

They'll just give him a, uh, suspended sentence and a sharp reprimand.

Oh, damn it, Cliff, you're wrong. You know you're wrong.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Coach is right, Clifford.

You don't deserve to have a friend like Norman if you let him down now.

Yeah.

So, either you go in there and straighten this out, or we will.

Yeah, and we're never going to let you show your face in here again.

All right, all right.

I'll call my supervisor and explain the whole thing first thing in the morning.

- Now! - Now Clifford!

All right. Now.

I'll go explain the whole thing now.

I want you all to know that this is going to mean the end for me.

Yeah, I'll... I'll be a civilian,

one of the crowd.

There's a lot of things I'm going to miss, too...

free mucilage, the twine,

the "open with care" labels

we used to stick on our flies at the Christmas party...

the uniform, the respect.

Yeah, I'm leaving here a mailman.

I'm coming back a nobody.

Diane, I can't get to you.

The opening to the air duct is too small.

Oh...

Coach, call the furnace man, please, and tell him it's an emergency.

I already called him again, honey, this evening.

He said he might not make it at all.

Sam, do something.

I will, sweetheart, I know somebody else I can call.

But listen, I mean this, if you say the word,

I don't care the cost,

I will rip this floor up to get you out of there.

Oh, do it, Sam, please.

That's not the word.

Swine!

No, no, you're getting colder.

Come on, now, sweetheart, open up.

Mm-mm.

Come on, darling, you don't know how long you're going to be in there,

and you got to stay warm.

- Sam, I-- - Whoop, there you go!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, Diane, the important thing here

is just to relax and stay calm. Just remember, rats sense fear.

Carla!

Here you go, darling. Here you go.

How's that, huh?

Sam, I'm not hungry, and I'm not cold.

I just want to get out of here.

I know, sweetheart. The guy I called said he'll be here in a minute.

Say...

Just on the off chance

that the guy's not able to get you out of there,

don't you think you'd feel better

if you were to declare your love for me now

while you still have the chance?

You're right, Sam.

What'd you say?

- What? - Let go!

Let go! Let go! Come on, let--

Yeow!

Well, she said she loves me, always has, always will.

You're off the clock, sweetheart.

Only a dollar?

No, no, it's happy hour.

It's only 50 cents.

Oh, okay.

Pucker up, baby.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Just go sit down, pal, go sit down.

How could you do that?

It's all right, Sammy. He had all his shots in the army.

Great news, everybody.

Because of my spotless record,

I only received a 30-day suspension. Whoo!

Well, what about Norm? Is he getting out?

My supervisor already called the cops.

So, you see, virtue triumphs again.

Set them up, Sammy. Drinks are on me.

Well, I guess I got to give you credit.

- I know that wasn't an easy thing to do. - Well, thank you, Sammy.

- Say, Cliff ie? - Huh?

What do you suppose is going to happen

when the big guy walks through that door?

Well, I think our attitude should be that he's paid his debt to society.

I mean, let him start a new life, I say.

That's not exactly what Carla had in mind, Cliff.

He's going to be plenty sore at you, Cliff-o.

Yeah, I suppose he is, Coach, and perhaps justly so.

Perhaps?

Oh, yeah, underneath that anger is going to be love and understanding.

You see, uh, we go back a long way, he and I.

When that big fella comes in, I'm just going to go up to him,

admit my error, and, uh, ask for his forgiveness.

Here comes Norm now.

Ah, good.

If I know him,

his, uh, understanding will not long be withheld.

Oh!

Okay, come on, you guys!

No, no, no, no!

Whoops!

- Come on, come on, come on! - I'll kill him!

But first I want to hurt him a whole lot!

Take him over there, will you?

- Take it easy. - Get him out of here, Sam!

Out of this bar, out of my life forever!

Okay, all right, Normie, look, I'll go,

but I want you to remember one thing. I took a chance for you.

I confessed and got you out of jail.

I wouldn't have been in jail if it wasn't for you!

All right, I'm sorry about that, Normie,

I'm really sorry, but try and understand.

Your job's just a job,

but being a mailman's my whole identity.

I risked my whole world, my entire life,

to buy your freedom... be-- because I love you, Norm.

Oh, come on, Norm, isn't there something Cliff can do?

Norman? He's right.

What is your heart telling you?

Never mind. It's a long story.

Goodbye, Norm.

All right, all right, wait, Cliff ie, wait.

I guess we have been friends a long time.

And... you are, by nature, a weasel.

Well, there's something you can do for me, I guess.

You can buy me a beer...

Aww...

...With your pants around your ankles.

Oh, you can't be serious, Norm.

Ankles, Cliff ie.

Standing on that stool...

while barking like a seal.

Let's not stay. There'll be a cover charge.