Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Carla, might I have a word?

Look, uh, you know,

I know how you always like to poke fun at me and whatnot,

but I'd really appreciate it if you stayed away from one area

I'm particularly sensitive about...

and that is my ears.

I don't make jokes about your ears.

I mean, why would I make jokes about--

Oh, my God!

I never noticed those satellite dishes before.

Gee, I must have been distracted

by the other atrocities attached to your head.

Yeah, well, look, just hear me out on this one, will you?

Last night I was going through my insurance policy,

and I discovered that I'm eligible for an ear tuck.

Well, you know, it's going to be hard enough for me to go through

without you, you know, razzing me all the time,

so all I want to ask is that you please, please,

after I do it, not make my life a living hell.

This really means a lot to you, doesn't it?

Yeah, it's the most important thing in my life.

Yeah, well, go ahead. Get it done.

We'll see.

Oh, yeah, and, uh, one other thing, Carla.

Would you kind of lay off about how I live with my mother?

Well, gee whiz, Cliff,

I mean, you got to give me something.

What am I going to tease you about?

Well, I'm not the most tidy guy in the world.

Oh, okay, I'll limit myself to that.

Thank you, Carla. You're welcome.

By the way, your mother called.

She said you left your earmuffs in the driveway

and no one could get out.

That was a tidy tease.

Hey, everybody.

-Hey, Sam. - Hi, Sam.

What do you have there, Sam?

Looks like books.

Yeah, I guess you could call them books.

Just something I've been meaning to read.

Oh, why don't you open one up

so we can all see the little gingerbread house pop out?

Yeah, well, you wasted your money on that one, Sam.

You'll be disappointed with the ending.

I'll be in my office.

He locked his door.

Oh! And we're trapped out here with you.

Sam never locks his door.

He's done that two or three times this week, Diane.

Yeah, he did that the other night,

and he never made a sound.

Stayed in there till closing time.

Oh, my God.

The thing I feared worst has happened.

Your Living Bra died of boredom.

This is no time for... levity.

I think Sam might be drinking again.

Oh, I was afraid of this.

Day after day

of watching Frasier and me exulting in our joy

has finally driven him over the edge.

Come on, Diane.

I doubt seriously if he's drinking.

There's lots of other things he could be doing in there.

Like what?

Maybe he's reading, just like he said.

Oh, it can't be that.

I was once with Sam when he was reading.

I'd recognize the sounds anywhere.

Well, there's one sure way

to ascertain whether he's drinking.

I will smell his breath.

Go away.

Sam, it's Diane.

Go far away.

Sam, please,

there's something important I need to talk to you about.

All right, come in.

The door is locked.

Oh...

Well, gee, I wonder how that happened.

- Hello, Sam. - Hello.

Whoa, whoa, what're you doing? Why are you sniffing like that?

What's that?

I told you, I had a book.

The World and Its People.

This is surprising, Sam.

You're reading a book whose title doesn't contain the words

"naughty," "hot," or "throbbing?"

I told you, it's just a book I'm reading.

It's not just a book. It's a textbook.

Are you back in school?

Promise you won't tell anybody, will you, please?

Well, Sam, this is nothing to keep secret.

This is wonderful.

Why are you concealing it?

Well, it's a little embarrassing, you know.

I mean, a guy my age going back to school.

It's not embarrassing.

It's noble and fine and I think it's very inspirational.

Let's tell everyone!

No, come on, come on, come on.

You know how the guys will make fun of me. Don't...

Sam, no one enjoys teasing you more than I do,

and I refrained.

That's true.

All right, what the hey, let's do it. All right.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, thank you.

Unless...

Unless what?

Sam, you're not doing this to impress me and win me back,

are you?

No, no, I'm doing it for my diploma.

Well, I hope so...

Because if this is part of some involved scheme

to get me back in bed with you,

you will be very disappointed.

Mm, yeah, but you'll enjoy yourself.

Attention, everyone.

I have an announcement to make.

Someone in our little Cheers family

is doing something to improve himself,

and I want you all to know about it.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it, Carla.

You told Diane about my ear job, didn't you?

Clifford, Carla didn't tell me anything.

Uh, well, you were saying?

After a rather lengthy interruption,

Sam has decided to go back to school

and pursue his degree.

Bravo, Sam.

You're getting your ears done, man?

Nah, come on, Sammy, where's your sense of humor?

It was a joke.

Will you forget about that?

This is exciting news.

Our Sammy is going to attain his Bachelor of what?

Art? Sciences?

High school.

His Bachelor of-- High School?!

What?

Yeah, I never graduated from high school.

You know, my senior year,

I got a contract to play Class A ball.

Spring training didn't start until February,

and school didn't get out until June.

- High school. - Yeah.

I always promised my parents I'd go back and finish.

She was a lot happier about this in the other room.

I spent a year of my life being defiled by Dobie Gillie.

I'm terribly sorry.

I just assumed you meant college.

Well, I plan to go to college too.

Well, good.

Let me know when you get there

so I can go out of the house without a veil.

Hey, uh, Sam,

what's a guy like you want to go back to high school?

I mean, you've got everything a man could want,

and you dumped the one thing no man wants.

I guess I'm just tired of being embarrassed

about being a dropout.

Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sam.

A lot of famous people never graduated from high school.

Yeah, right. Name three, Norm.

Well, according to The Book of Lists, Sam,

let's see, Thomas Edison, Noel Coward...

Cher never graduated.

Cher?

Absolutely. Never finished, Coach.

Well, I feel a lot better now, gee.

Why? You never finished either, huh?

No, I was missing a couple of those whatchamacallits.

Units?

No, years, Diane.

Do you think it'd be a good idea

if I was going back to school?

I think it's a wonderful idea, Coach.

Since Sam is going anyway, the two of you can go together.

Coach can make up the classes he missed.

What do you think, Sam?

I think that I'm going to have my hands full

just getting me through this class.

Sam, it'll be fun.

You'll have someone to study with.

Coach, Coach, I'm just taking geography.

I mean, it's the last thing I have to complete

so I can get my diploma.

Well, Sam, it would be--

It would only be a start for me, you know.

As a matter of fact, as I remember it now,

I was very good in geography.

- Really? - Yeah.

Or was it geometry?

Diane, give me a question in geometry.

What is the sum of the angles

in an isosceles triangle?

It was geography.

Hey, everybody.

Clifford.

Diane.

Yeah, well, take your last look at a flawed Clifford.

Tomorrow I go under the knife.

Why don't you just go under the bus?

I'm talking about my operation, Carla.

I'm going to have my ears tucked back.

Cliff, why don't you save yourself some money

and just put some chewing gum behind them?

That doesn't work.

I mean, that probably wouldn't work.

Da da da-da-da da

Don't let me stop you. You're on a roll.

That's all right. Those are the only words I know.

You guys seem to be in a good mood.

Oh, you noticed, huh?

Well, we did great on our test tonight.

Ah, you both passed, huh?

Passed? We both got A's again.

Once again, we got the two highest grades in the class.

Oh!

Sam, listen, we going to study together tonight?

Listen, this exam's going to constitute

80% of our grades.

Coach, come on,

what have I been telling you all semester long, huh?

Oh, I know, I know.

Studying is for saps.

That's right. I'll be in my office.

What was the test about, Sam?

I don't know. I forget.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You got an A on this test,

and you don't even know what it covered?

After a quiz, I like to empty out my head.

How? By blowing your nose?

Got an A, didn't I?

Oh, Coach, I am so impressed with you.

Oh, thank you, Diane.

Sam didn't seem to retain much from the test.

Yeah, but he does just great.

I never realized

what a brain he is.

I study all the time.

He sleeps in the classroom, he never takes a note,

and still he gets the great grades.

No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.

Miss Purdy?

Yeah, our beautiful schoolteacher.

And Sam is her favorite?

Well, uh, I can't say that,

but Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.

They kiss?

Yeah, I saw them smooching in the parking lot.

I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.

With probing tongues?

No, Diane, with a thumbtack and my thumb.

I can't believe he's sunk to these depths.

I curse the day I ever walked into this bar.

Then it's unanimous.

Sam Malone, this is absolutely--

- The worst thing I've ever done. - The worst thing you've--

Wait a minute.

You don't even know what I'm going to say.

I just found out that you have been sleeping--

Sleeping with my teacher.

That's right.

And that's not the worst part of it.

She also has been giving you--

Good marks because of it.

Yes.

Are you admitting that you're doing this

and that you know it's wrong?

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, stop slouching.

Look what's happened to your posture.

What?

I needed something.

Gee, I, uh...

The whole thing started so innocently.

I mean, I began dating her

because she was cute and because we hit it off.

I mean, I had no idea

that I was going to get better marks because of it.

I just was after some meaningless sex,

and it's turned into something sleazy.

Well, you know the old saying,

"The best laid plans of mice and scum..."

Yeah, boy, ain't that the truth?

You know, I didn't realize anything was wrong

until I started getting these quizzes back,

and instead of marking off wrong answers,

she'd say, "Close enough. A plus."

It's a sad commentary on our educational system

when a harlot like this

is allowed in the public schools.

If I remember correctly,

when we met, you were dating your professor?

For your information,

I was a legitimate A student in the classroom.

I never got good grades in the sack.

Oh, don't worry. I always gave you an E for effort, didn't I?

Sam, I'm going to tell you what you have to do.

I know you won't like it, but you have to--

Call Miss Purdy and tell her I want an honest grade.

Call--

Sit up straight!

I can't do that, Diane.

I...

I'm not prepared to take the exam.

Well, Coach will help you.

Oh, Sam, you started out with such noble intentions.

I hate to see you end up like this.

Yeah, I know, you're right.

Well, mayb-- right after I take the exam,

then I'll call her, okay?

Oh, come on, I...

Maybe with Coach's help,

I can get by.

Hello, uh, Miss Purdy?

It's little Sammy Malone from the third row.

Yeah, uh, listen, Alana, um, about school, uh...

I had this crazy thought.

I'm even embarrassed to mention it,

but do you think that maybe our relationship

is in any way affecting the marks I've been getting?

You know, like making you unconsciously change some of--

What?

You are?

Well, that--that's nice, but, what--?

Me?

Uh, yeah, I'm naked too.

Sounds like we're ready for the class photo.

No, no, there's no one here.

It was an insect, but I killed it.

Uh, listen,

I'm serious about this.

I would like my grade to be based

on my knowledge of geography.

No, I mean it.

Did I say something funny?

Yeah, well, when you see the results of my tests,

you're going to be laughing

out the other side of your hemisphere.

Well, if you'll excuse me now,

I've got some studying to do.

Whoa!

Is there anything in particular I should cram?

All right. Okay, but just remember,

I gave you that one as a going-away present.

Boy, that lady has got a mean mouth on her

for a 73-year-old.

I was joking. I was joking.

Hey, Coach.

Where's Coach?

Uh, he's in the back there, Sam. What's wrong?

Nothing.

I've just got to study for this exam.

It's kind of important.

Well, I'd be happy to help you study, Sam.

Yeah, I'd be more than proud to assist.

Are you kidding me? You guys can't help me.

You know squat about geography.

Coach...

Hey, good. Could you help me study?

We've got to start studying right now.

I thought you didn't need anybody to study, Sam.

Well, he does now, Coach.

While you were earning your good grades with hard work,

Sam was earning his by dating the teacher.

- Well, is that true, Sam? - Uh, yeah,

but I've wiped the slate clean here, Coach.

Whatever I get now, I have to earn,

so please help me cram for the test, will you?

You mean all semester long,

I've been wearing my buns to the bone

while you've been polishing the teacher's apple?

Come on, Coach.

I want to get my diploma,

and you know that whatever I get on this exam

is my grade for the class.

Find yourself another sap to study with.

Hey, come on, Coach.

No way. I'm going.

Oh, my God. I need help.

Carla, what do you know about geography?

I know what creek you're up.

Hey, uh, guys,

would--would you help me study for this quiz?

I mean, maybe you could just, you know,

go over the facts with me or something?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

I'm sorry, Sam, I think we're too dumb to help,

don't you, Norm?

I didn't even understand the question, Cliff ie.

I'd like to go home, I think I'll go home.

Okey-dokey.

Yup, yup. Left, right.

Left, right. Left, right.

Right, right.

I can't even do that.

Let's go home, Norm.

I guess that just leaves you and me, huh?

Oh, dear, Sam.

This is a problem.

Frasier and I have tickets

for a piece of experimental theater tonight.

I feel obligated to go,

because the last act takes place in Frasier's living room.

Well, I'd hate to have you miss that.

Sam, if you want me to cancel out,

I will.

No, it's too late. You can't help me.

I'm going to fail this exam.

Gee, I wonder if Miss Purdy's still naked.

No...

Okay, Sam, I'll help you.

You're always messing up, and I'm always bailing you out.

You'll mess it up and I bail you out.

It's getting a little boring.

- I'm telling you... - Thanks, Coach.

Don't you think it's getting a little boring, Sam?

Yes, Coach.

Well, the only thing I can say is that Sam's very lucky

to have such a forgiving friend as you, Coach.

Thank you, Diane.

Good night, guys.

Now, Sam,

you can learn about anything in this world

if you just follow my little trick.

Got it?

- Mm-hm. - All right.

Albania.

Here, Albania.

Or...

should we say...

Albania

Why'd you say it like that?

We learn our facts

by associating countries with music.

Why?

Do you want to study alone?

No. No. No.

All right.

One, two, three...

Albania

Albania

You border on the Adriatic

Your land is mostly mountainous

And your chief export is chrome

You're a communist republic, You're a Red regime

Sing it, Sam.

Ready?

Albania

Albania

You border on the Adriatic...

Cliff ie, I thought you were gonna get your ears done today.

Well, you know, I decided this is the way God made me,

and, you know, who am I to question his judgment?

You were wrong

about the insurance company covering it, huh?

Mostly that.

Taiwan, Taiwan on the sea

The China Sea

Hey, listen up, everybody.

I got an A on the test and the best grades in the class.

How did you do, Sam?

Well, I got nosed out by Coach. I got a D.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Malone is now a high school graduate.

Yes!

Congratulations.

For what?

You passed.

Yeah, a D as in "dumb."

A D as in "diploma."

An honest D is better than a tainted A.

Mm, boy, I tell you, I may have my diploma,

but I sure feel dumber than ever.

Oh, I studied myself hoarse for that exam,

and still I got a D.

Oh, Sam, you only had one night to study.

Ah, it wouldn't have made any difference.

My brain doesn't work like yours does.

I can't learn things.

Sam, some people may be better students than others,

but you have street smarts, savvy...

Common sense.

That's right.

Just because you may not be able to remember

that Pierre is the capital of North Dakota

doesn't mean that you should feel at all--

Wait a minute. Say that again.

What?

The capital of North Dakota.

Pierre.

No, it isn't. It's Bismarck.

Oh. Pierre's South Dak--

Oh, what difference does it make?

The point is that you have earned your dip--

Pierre?

I can't believe this.

North Dakota? Pierre?

Hey, hey,

listen to this for a second. Go on, tell 'em.

I was just making an illustration.

Coach, Coach,

what's the capital of North Dakota?

Easy. Bismarck.

She thinks it's Pierre.

All right, I may have

inadvertently switched the two.

Oregon. Give me the capital of Oregon.

Portland.

No, it isn't. It's Eugene.

Oh, I--I knew that. I knew that.

It just slipped my mind for a second.

No, it isn't Eugene. It's Salem.

Do you believe this?

If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden.