Original subtitles

Grab your coat And get your hat

Leave your worries

On the doorstep

Just direct your feet

To the sunny side

Of the street

Vodka martini and a seltzer, please.

You got it.

Leave your worries On the doorstep

Just direct your feet

To the sunny side Of the street

Thank you.

Thank you.

I used to walk in the shade

With those blues on parade But I'm not afraid

This rover...

If I never had a cent, I'd be rich as Rockefeller

Gold dust at my feet...

Beer.

I got spurs that jingle Jangle, jingle

As I ride merrily...

Holy coyote.

What's that stink?

It smells like they're burning the chef's special

up there at Melville's.

Smells like they're burning the chef.

No, no, wait a minute.

I know what that smell is.

Ah.

Anybody mind if I smoke?

Not if you put the lit end

in your mouth.

I learned how to smoke them this way, Carla,

and I'll stick with it that way.

Whoo, boy, is somebody boiling tar in here?

No, Sam, I'm smoking my cigar.

Would someone please boil some tar in here?

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

Hey.

What's new, Normie?

Terrorists, Sam.

They've taken over my stomach

and they're demanding beer.

It's a world gone mad, Norm.

Ugh.

What's that stench?

- It's my cigar, Normie. - Oh.

Let me know if it bothers you.

It bothers me.

Join the club.

New cologne, Sam?

It's a step up.

Do you have any idea how much that cigar stinks, Coach?

Are you kidding?

It's right below my nose.

Sammy, all set to...

You bet, good buddy.

Did that gesture signify

a primitive mating ritual?

Actually, me and Normie are going up to the woods

to spend the day fishing.

- Fishing... - Mm, yeah.

How lovely.

You know, it's truly essential

to one's peace of mind

now and then

to get back in tune

with the rhythms of nature

and totally shed the mechanized world.

Yeah, you're right.

Did you remember to bring the TV set this time?

- Yeah. I got a portable VCR, Sam. - Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah, we got, I rented, uh,

Porky's II and Splash.

All right!

I suppose you have

an electronic fish tracking device too.

Oh, don't be silly.

That wouldn't be sportsmanlike, Diane.

We prefer depth charges.

Boom!

Yeah.

So, uh, you guys are, uh, going fishing, huh?

Yeah, yeah, go pull some lip.

What do you got?

- Boy, I love fishing. - Yeah.

I guess it's just one of those spur-of-the-moment decisions, huh?

No, no, no, we planned this for weeks.

- Check this little lake right here. - Oh, that looks good.

I guess you just forgot to tell me, your best buddy.

I don't know. I don't remember.

Well, I do. You didn't.

Well, maybe you remembered to mention it

in front of some other best friend who lives

for doing manly things in the wild.

Cliff ie, you want to go fishing with us?

Aw, no, that's okay, Sam. I don't want to infringe

on you and Norm's good time.

You're gonna have to if you want to come along.

Come on, come on, let's go fishing.

All right, all right, all right.

I'd better check my social calendar.

That's the wall of the men's room.

You know, I wouldn't mind doing a little fishing either.

Me neither, Sammy.

You got room for some more company?

What the hell? Let's make it a party.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait a minute.

I thought it was just going to be us three buddies, huh?

- Oh, come on, Cliff. - It's not that I mind.

It's just that I'm a little surprised

you guys are so eager to go someplace

you're obviously not wanted.

There's some gear in the back there, guys.

Oh, hello, Diane.

Hi, Frasier.

Frasier...

your lips are troubled.

No wonder.

Look at the hell he puts them through.

Well, this has been a bad day.

Bad week. Bad month.

This time of the year is murder

on the psychiatric profession.

Well, just sit down and relax, huh?

Scotch, Sam.

You got problems there, Frase?

Oh, it's all the neuroses I face day in and day out.

It can't help but have a negative effect on me.

Well, why don't you just do what I did?

Throw her clothes in the hallway and lock the door.

Sam, Diane is my salvation.

It's my patients

that have caused this distress.

Well, think of it--

Day after day,

miserable people coming into your office

and pouring out

their litany of depression and anxiety.

The only way my situation could be any worse

is if I actually listened to them.

Even at a time like this,

his humor survived.

I know exactly what you're saying, Doc.

I do.

After all the years behind this bar,

I've learned how to make a lot of people happy.

Oh, how's that, Coach?

Well, whatever problem they got, I point out the bigger problem.

Now, in your case, you know, you're going bald.

I am. Yeah.

Now I'm depressed and losing my hair.

Well, that's nothing.

It's child's play

compared to that big mole you got on your neck.

Now, please, Coach, no more.

I'm cheered up now.

Any time, Doc.

All right, Sammy,

just one quick stop to change clothes

and we'll be all set.

Okey-dokey.

Hope things look up for you there, Frasier.

Going fishing, are you?

Yeah.

Oh, well, how idyllic.

The peace of the woods.

Away from the noise, the crime, and the borderline psychotics.

Well, actually, Cliff ie's coming along, too.

Just kidding.

I was just kidding, Cliff.

Okay, Coach, good night.

So long, Sam.

See you, guys. Be back later.

Sam, it looks like you might have room

for one more in your car.

Isn't there someone else you'd like to invite?

A certain

very depressed gentleman?

The bass are about this big up there, Frasier.

Want to go get one?

Well, I've never been fishing, but, you know,

it might be just what I need right now.

If none of you mind, you can count me in.

Goody.

Well, watch out, fish, here I come.

You want to come along?

We're running a little low on bait.

Aw, cut it out, you kidder.

Now, Sam...

Take care of my fella.

He's a tenderfoot.

How come you're not going on

that fishing trip, Coach?

I don't like the smell of them.

Yeah, fish stink.

No, the guys.

Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck.

Who needs it?

- Hey, Coach? - Yeah?

Want to play Red Sox trivia?

Yeah, sure, fire away.

Oh, good. I got some real tough ones for you this time.

Ready? Number one.

What over-.300 hitter was called--

Jimmy Foxx.

Right.

But that was just an easy warm-up.

Now we're going to start. Okay?

Shoot.

What Red Sox shortstop succeeded--

Don Buddin.

I'm thinking of an outfielder.

Conigliaro.

Boy, you are good.

Try me now.

Uh...

Who was the only man to pinch hit--

Lu Clinton.

You sure you want to go on?

Nah, I don't know.

It's just not as much fun as it used to be.

Think we've been playing together too long?

Well, was the answer to your next question

going to be Frank Malzone?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Looks like you had a good time.

Oh, great time, Diane, great time.

I'm so glad.

Where's Frasier?

Did I say something amusing?

You're going to get a giggle out of this, Diane.

Frasier's still up in the woods.

He's snipe hunting.

You sent him on a snipe hunt? I love it.

What's a snipe hunt?

A snipe hunt's an age-old custom

wherein we take an initiated hunter,

like your Dr. Crane,

put him in a clearing with a gunnysack,

and the rest of us go into the bush

to beat out the snipe to him.

Rather an elemental sport,

but I still don't see the humor in it.

The humor, Diane, is that,

while the guy's out there with a gunnysack,

we go off,

have a nice dinner in a restaurant,

and come back here for some beers.

Well, you see,

there's no such thing, really, as a snipe,

so there's no real reason

for any of us to hang around,

but-- but since the bagger

doesn't know that,

he stays and we leave.

I swear to you, this is really funny, Diane.

You should have seen your buddy out there,

Frasier.

He's a real sport, Diane.

He was practicing the bagger's position...

And Sammy made up this terrific snipe call.

Actually, somebody else made that up.

You could hear him doing it for miles away.

In other words, you abandoned Frasier in the woods.

Well, that's another way of putting it,

but it doesn't sound as funny that way.

Of all the immature, low-minded,

aberrant behavior ever exhibited here,

this is the lowest, Sam.

Whoa, what do you mean, Sam?

You're the ringleader.

You could have stopped it.

These lemmings don't have minds of their own.

Yeah, she's right, you know, Sam.

Yep, sad, but true, Sammy.

She is not.

Oh, of course not. Whatever you say, boss.

Hey, would you guys...

Oh, come on. You're overreacting here, Diane.

It's a harmless little prank, that's all.

I mean, all guys fall for it.

It's fun.

Did you ever fall for it?

Well, no, not personally, but,

I know a lot of my close friends have,

and, boy, did they have a terrific time.

You have to be a certain kind of guy.

A real dink.

Thanks a lot, Carla.

Oh, come on.

Look, Frasier's got a sense of humor.

I bet he's up in the woods right now,

laughing himself silly.

I am sure that he is not.

Ah... Like many who enter

the psychiatric profession,

Frasier is a sensitive and trusting man.

You took advantage of his trust.

He turned to you for a much-needed day of relaxation

and instead, you gave him this.

A cruel, malicious, destructive, moronic prank.

A good-natured, fun, character-building,

moronic prank.

If there's a shred of decency left among you,

you'll go back and find him.

I'll go.

Thank you for that brief flash of humanity.

I can't believe this.

So you're here.

Well, I'm furious with all of you for what you did to me.

Frasier, I can explain.

Why did you introduce me

to that-- to that intoxicating sport?

I'm positively hooked on it.

I was hoping you'd come back here

when you couldn't find me, and I want to apologize.

After a couple of hours in the position,

I heard some snipe rustling in the bush,

so I went off to pursue them

and, well, I got lost in the woods.

And I scrambled about for a while

until I heard the sound of cars on the highway.

So I flagged down an 18-wheeler, and then, uh,

made my way back to safety.

Good friends, I'm... I'm sorry.

I let you down.

It's the last thing I wanted to do.

Frasier, are you sure you're all right?

All right?

Diane, I'm aglow. I'm transported.

Of course, I don't expect you to understand.

It has to do with the unspoken bond between men.

Sorry, I'm a little emotional.

Coach, set up my buddies.

I want to drink to the camaraderie of this night.

Oh, you don't have to do that, Frasier.

Oh, nonsense.

Hey, hey, he wants to buy his friends a drink.

Come on.

As you know, as you know,

it is the bagger's prerogative.

Oh, what a marvelous tradition.

Let's drink to it.

Frasier, may I have a word

in private with you?

It's about what happened tonight.

Well, not now, Diane.

You're interfering with male bonding.

To snipe hunting.

All right.

The most humane of sports.

No guns, no knives.

Just a man and a plain, simple bag.

Like you and Diane.

Frasier-- Oh, come on, Diane.

Guys make jokes about their mates,

right, guys?

Right. Right.

Look, you probably all think

I'm being a bit manic about this,

but the fact is, I haven't spent that much time

out of doors in my life,

and I was exhilarated by it.

It was a revelation to me how quiet it was.

I heard an owl for the first time.

You know, I finally understand

why guys get hung up on going to the woods.

Camping, fishing.

Yeah, yeah, just wait till the first time you come back home

with a snipe strapped to the hood of your car, huh?

Yeah.

Yep, that's a thrill of a lifetime.

Yep.

Yeah, my one regret is we didn't get a snipe.

And it's all my fault.

I let you guys down.

No...

No, no, you didn't disappoint us, Frasier.

No, as a matter of fact,

if there's one thing you didn't do,

it was disappoint us.

Say, I-- I--

I think it's time that we told you a little something here, Frasier.

You see, the fellas and I--

Frasier, I hate to interrupt,

but I really think you should go freshen up.

Oh, you're right, Diane. I'm filthy.

Oh, oh, and... I want to thank all of you

for, well, caring enough to include me tonight.

Oh, I don't believe it.

That guy is a bigger boob

than Cliff.

No argument here.

So, what was the problem there?

I was just going to tell him the truth.

Oh, do you have to?

Oh, what's the good of giving a guy the shaft

if you can't laugh in his face about it?

You listen to me, Sam Malone.

Now this may be hard for you to understand--

Most things are--

But finding out in front of all these people

that he was the butt of your joke

would be devastating to Frasier.

He's always been the odd man out.

Even when he was a child

and the kids would choose up sides for softball,

he was always the last one picked.

"You take the girl and we'll take Frasier."

Yeah, I remember.

I always used to feel sorry for those guys.

Even when I was doing it to them.

Yeah, Frasier was lucky.

Some children were laughed off the playground entirely.

Oh, hey, not me, of course.

Yeah, I was always out there.

And you still are.

Well, you know, maybe I'm just lucky,

but nothing like that ever really happened to me.

No, wait, now, wait a minute, Sam.

What about when I told you

that you weren't even invited

to the Red Sox alumni dinner this year?

I wasn't invited to the alumni dinner?

No, no, no, no, what am I talking about?

They're not even having a dinner.

But while I'm thinking about it,

can I have Saturday night off?

What for?

Death in the family.

Sure.

Hey, Sam, come on. What's the poop here?

We got to tell Frasier. You're holding up the laughfest, huh?

We don't have to tell Frasier,

and we're not going to, ever.

Then why'd we do it?

Well, you're obviously bored with lip diddling.

Well, he's going to find out eventually, Diane.

Yeah, and we should be the ones to tell him,

because we did all the hard work.

He might not find out.

Frasier isn't an outdoorsman.

He doesn't hang around with people like that.

If he should find out about it,

years later,

he'll be able to laugh about it

from a distance...

especially if some,

or all, of you are dead.

Now, that isn't asking too much, is it?

Well, Diane...

Sam?

What?

There's one other thing I want you to know.

Lord knows why, but...

Frasier thinks of you as a friend.

As a matter of fact,

he thinks of you as one of his closest friends.

Get out of here.

He does, Sam.

Gee, what a boo-- boo-- bootiful guy he is.

All right, all right.

We'll do it your way.

Fellas, nobody tells Frasier the truth about the snipe hunt, okay?

Well, it's a stupid oversight.

If Sam Malone isn't invited,

I'm not coming.

I'm only kidding. I'll be there.

Eight o'clock sharp.

Wrong number.

Thank you, everyone.

Believe me, it's best just to let this matter drop.

No need for Frasier to suffer any embarrassment.

"Let the matter drop?"

I heard that, Diane.

I deserted my post,

and now I need a woman to plead my case.

Well, Frasier, if you feel that strong about it,

maybe we could take another shot at it.

You'd do that for me?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you bet we would.

Fine!

Well, let's get back out there!

Out where?

Out in the wilds, where the snipe run free.

No...

When I was in the men's room, I looked in the mirror.

Do you know what I saw?

A quitter.

A man who lets his buddies down.

I want to prove myself.

Yep, yeah, well, hear that guys?

Looks like, uh, Frase wants

to go back out there again tonight.

Absolutely I want to go back out there again tonight!

Do you know what tonight is? It's the night of the full moon.

Now, Sam told me

that the snipe run best when it's a full moon.

- I said that. - That's right!

And you said they'd be running all night long, right?

I said that too.

Well, then what are we waiting for?

Nothing. Let's get outta here.

- Come on. - Aw, Frase, you know,

I really got to hand it to you, fella.

Yeah, you're the first bagger

I ever met with enough stamina,

to go snipe hunting twice in the same night.

Yeah, you're going to go down

in the annals of snipe hunting.

- Sam, please. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you very much

for making us promise not to tell him.

This way we get to give him a double whammy.

Frasier, before you go, I need a moment alone with you.

Can't this wait until tomorrow, Diane?

Yeah, we're feeling the thrill of the hunt.

Yeah, so does Frasier.

Frasier...

Women.

I guess she wants to kiss me or something, huh?

You have to indulge them, you know.

Dames.

Yeah, that is why I don't have a girlfriend.

Reason number 27.

Frasier, sometimes people do thoughtless things.

They don't mean any harm.

They just don't know any better. They're insensitive.

Well, good Lord, Diane,

you sound like the psychologist I had when I was eight.

What are you trying to say?

There's no such thing as a snipe hunt.

They played a childish prank on you.

I know that.

What?!

Good Lord, Diane, I mean,

a man does not crouch in the woods for two hours

without having a revelation or two.

So this is part of a plan

and I unwittingly helped you?

Yes.

Frasier, how devious.

But why didn't you tell me?

Well, I couldn't trust you. You'd have thought it was too cruel.

Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped.

Frasier, this is so unlike you.

I know, but it's what guys do, darling.

We screw each other to the wall.

Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

Now, you see,

when we get up to that clearing,

I'm going to get them to pose for a photo.

And after they disappear into the woods to beat out snipe,

I'm going to rush to the car, drive back here,

and make you one of my famous omelets.

Frasier, I find your cunning arousing.

Mm... Well, that's what it's there for, baby.

I've got to share this with the troops, Diane.

Men? You're not going to believe this,

but Diane there just attempted to tell me

that there's no such thing as a snipe.

- No. No. - No.

They will say anything to keep you at home.

Diane, I promise you,

you will not become a snipe widow.

All right now, men,

let's go get one.

To the woods!

Listen, I'm sorry, but I swear to you,

in years to come

we're going to all sit back and have a good laugh over this.

Not all of us will be laughing.

You'll see. Trust me.

Look, it's starting to snow.

Don't worry, Frasier, the colder the better.