Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Good afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

What'll you have, Normie?

Uh, a 1929 Lafitte Rothschild, Coach.

Or a beer,

whatever everyone else is having.

Hey, uh, Norm, we haven't heard much lately

about your quest to sire an heir for the old throne there.

So how goeth the baby making?

Not good.

Vera thinks it's my fault she's not pregnant.

Says I'm not trying hard enough.

Well, I, uh, hope before you answered intemperately, Norm,

you took into account her frustration and the old maternal instinct department.

Oh, I said, "Drop dead in a ditch."

Perfect.

I used to think that sleeping was the greatest pleasure you could have in bed.

Now I'm sure of it.

Hey, Norm, what's the matter?

Don't you like having sex with your wife?

We're not exactly what each other wants in a sexual partner, you know?

Well, for example, she wishes I looked a little more like...

Charles Bronson.

And, uh...

Well, I wish she looked a little less like Charles Bronson.

Carla, tell me what you think about this new cologne of mine.

What do you think?

I like it.

When will I be able to see again?

Thank you very much, Carla.

You got some customers waiting for you over there.

Right away.

Someone want to lead me to them, please?

White wine, please.

White wine.

Uh, Coach, I'll handle this one.

I hope this is not going to embarrass you too much,

but I just got to tell you you have the most beautiful eyes

I have ever seen.

Well, I kind of get flustered, but it's nice to hear.

If I were to tell you you had a beautiful body,

would you hold it against me?

Gee, even I've heard that one.

I don't seem to be doing too well with my patter here tonight.

Maybe I ought to just rely on my looks.

Have you seen this one?

Oh, you.

I guess I'm just a sucker for sophistication.

Well, now that I've charmed your socks off,

you want to go out to dinner with me tonight?

You know a place where they don't require socks?

I bet I could find one.

So what do you say, shall we?

I can't leave just yet.

I came by to see somebody.

Ah, who?

Amanda?

Diane!

Hi!

So you two, uh, know each other, huh?

Nothing gets by this guy.

Sam, this is my friend Amanda Boyer.

Amanda, this is my friend, Sam Malone.

Well, uh, you're going to have to excuse us here.

I think we're on our way out to dinner.

Actually, I came by to see you.

You want to have lunch sometime?

Lunch sometime...

Are you two going out together?

Oh, you're pretty sharp yourself there, Diane.

Before you do, could I speak with you about a problem, Sam?

Trouble in the back room.

You're not going to talk about me, are you?

Oh, don't be silly.

That woman's a mess.

Don't go out with her.

Why not?

Well, I can't tell you now.

Just trust me for once.

Well, you're going to have to give me some kind of hint.

I really can't say anything.

Oh, I can't believe you're so blatantly jealous.

You still can't stand the sight of me with another woman, huh?

My heart goes out to any living creature in your company.

You know, one of these days you're going to wise up and realize

that if you want a chance of getting back together with me,

you're going to have to start talking a little nicer.

Sam?

You are an unmitigated egomaniac.

Too little, too late.

Good night.

You know, Normie, I was just thinking.

When you and Vera do have the baby,

you're going to have to give the kid a name, right?

Yeah, we're toying with the idea of naming it.

Well, when it comes time to name the baby,

you should consider Barry.

Why? What's so special about Barry?

Well, he's a whiz with names, Cliff. He gave me my nickname.

"Coach?"

What?

Never mind.

Uh, as I was saying, Norm, Barry gave me my nickname Coach.

Gee, that was inventive.

You were a coach, so he called you "Coach."

You know, you're probably right, Larry,

because I always thought he gave me the name

because I never flew first class.

We're not going to need Barry's help, Coach.

We already have a whole list of names to fight over.

We're going to wait now till the baby's born

and fight over boy names or girl names.

Well, Norm, you don't have to wait till the baby's born,

to figure out a name, if you use, you know, sonar.

Oh, yeah, Sonar's a beautiful name.

Hey, everybody!

Sam.

Well, what happened?

That was an awfully long dinner.

Oh, this is pitiful,

you wearing your heart on your sleeve like that.

How did you and Amanda get along?

Well, she's okay, I guess.

Not triple-A, but the food was good,

and, uh, she's got pretty good table manners.

High praise from a man

who thinks mashed potatoes are finger food.

So, you didn't make any plans

to see each other again?

Oh, you know, I like it

when a woman is hot for me, but this is ridiculous.

It's none of your business, but if you must know, yeah,

I was thinking about calling her again.

Oh, no.

Oh, I wish Frasier weren't at that nerve-ending symposium.

Well, I guess I have to tell you the truth.

Amanda and I became friends at... a place.

Ooh, that's pretty fascinating.

You're going to have to fill me in on that later.

The place was Goldenbrook.

The booby hatch?

No, she looks so normal.

What, were you guys cellmates or something?

There are no cells at Goldenbrook.

I was there of my own volition,

as were a lot of other normal people who just needed a little time to rest

and sort out their feelings under constant psychiatric supervision.

Oh, I shouldn't even be talking to you.

Maybe I'm being an alarmist.

She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.

You're out.

What exactly is wrong with that kid?

Oh, I didn't want to tell you

because we were in group therapy together

and I didn't want to violate her confidence.

I guess I have to tell you now.

Please don't ever tell another living soul.

No.

Amanda is obsessive with men.

Oh, my God! No.

Wait a second, wait a second.

What does that mean, exactly?

She likes men a lot?

When she decides that she wants a man,

she develops an excessive preoccupation and possessiveness

and becomes totally irrational.

Oh, you mean kind of like you... land a.

"Youlanda" Johnson.

You don't know her. Very obsessive woman.

She is nothing like "Youlanda."

Whatever.

Listen, I wasn't thinking about it, but if I ever do go out with her again,

the first sign of trouble, I'll back off.

Okay?

Wait a second, um,

what's an example of obsessive behavior?

Mom, Dad, there he is,

the man I'm going to marry.

This is an example.

Sam, these are my parents, Mona and Todd.

Hello, Sam.

We've heard so much about you.

When?

Oh, on the drive over here.

It was a long drive.

I feel like I know you.

Oh, Daddy, stop it.

Mom and Dad came by to visit me and I thought it'd be nice for them

to meet you.

Amanda, can I have a word with you in private?

Hi, Amanda. Mona, Todd.

Sam, I need to talk to you about the inventory.

We'll be right back.

That girl looks familiar.

Is she the one I met on Basket Day?

What were you going to do when I interrupted?

I was going to get rid of her before this gets serious.

Sammy, better get out there.

She's picking out silver patterns with her parents.

Yeah, yeah, look, and tell them Fleur-des-lis are passé, huh?

They won't listen to me.

We're trying to have a private conversation.

We're not trying to be nosy, I swear.

Just go on about your business.

Oh, very well.

You can't give her some standard prearranged speech

you have for dumping women.

I do not have this standard prearranged speech for dumping women.

Come on.

Every situation is different.

For example, now, the speech I dumped you with

would be totally inappropriate.

I don't think you dumped me.

Oh, you see? That was the beauty of it.

Come on, give me credit, will you,

for knowing that I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.

Yeah, he's got six.

Yeah, Sammy, I think this one calls for number three.

"It's times like these, I'm ashamed to be a man."

Get out!

Well, let's wait a minute here, Diane.

Sam's a very close personal friend.

He's in a crisis now, and I just don't think it...

Okay, have a couple of beers on me.

Okay.

Sammy, you know where to find us if you need any help.

Oh, boy.

Sam...

That woman out there is very vulnerable.

Whatever you say to her has to be sensitive and real.

Otherwise the consequence could be horrendous.

What do you mean by that?

Well, she could do something ghastly again.

You don't mean--

Yes, she could try to kill herself.

Oh, thank God.

I thought I was in danger there.

No, no, I... that's not what I meant.

You're making me a nervous wreck here.

Just tell me what to say to her so she doesn't hurt herself,

and I'll say it.

Well, I wish I knew.

- Come on, come on, come on. - Well, she'll--

She'll try to manipulate you.

- Okay. - Be strong. Don't waiver.

And ease into the rejection gently.

Okay, you think that'll work?

Well, if not, have a nice honeymoon.

Hi.

I'm sorry to keep you and your folks waiting.

That's okay.

They like you a lot.

You make a wonderful first impression.

Well, it's my best one.

Amanda, I...

Please, please don't dump me.

Please, Sam, please.

Give me another chance.

I shouldn't have brought my parents.

That was just stupid and impulsive of me,

and I don't even like them.

I'm going to get rid of them.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

I... was just going to say

I wonder if they would like to have a drink.

Well, uh, no, thank you, they don't drink.

But thank you for thinking of them.

You're welcome.

Then I was going to say--

No, no!

- Please, Sam, please... - Would you just please, please,

just let me finish what I was going to say

before you jump to conclusions?

Now, just, just sit down and don't say anything.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Amanda...

I like you and I respect you too much

not to be honest.

Now, I'm sorry if I misled you,

but I just don't want to pursue this relationship.

Ooh, I'm so embarrassed...

and ashamed...

and tired.

Oh, I'm very tired.

I'm sorry, Sam, for everything.

Goodbye, Sam.

Are you... are you all right?

Oh, sure.

It-- it-- it's my fault.

You are such a nice guy.

Please don't blame yourself for anything that has ever happened.

Or anything that's going to happen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second here now.

What do you mean by that?

Sam, you don't have to worry about me anymore.

Remember?

We're through.

Oh, but, I didn't mean the bad through, I meant the good through.

What's the good through?

Well, that's where we would--

We would go out to dinner right now

and then maybe have a drive down the Cape

and, uh, maybe even see each other tomorrow, huh?

The Cape would be pretty tonight.

I'd like that, Sam.

Well, there. You see how fun through can be?

I'll get my parents

and we'll drop them off at some bus stop.

Well, uh...

You have another date with her, right?

Well, no, I wouldn't call it exactly a date.

It's more like a lifetime commitment.

My goodness, Norman, you and Vera have compiled

quite an extensive list of baby names, huh?

Yeah, yeah, we think up names when we make love.

It kind of helps to pass the time.

May I suggest that you add one more to the boys' list?

My favorite has always been Toby.

Toby?

Why don't you just name him "Precious" or "Pumpkin Pie"

and be done with it?

You know, my ex- may not be a class act,

but he's got a first-rate male name, Nick.

Yeah, well, it's on the list here.

- Nick. - Oh, good.

Uh, you ought to have Sam down there.

Sam's here, Coach, right next to Ernie.

Oh, thank you, Norm.

Well, it looks, uh, it looks like my buddy's

got all the bases covered, uh, here, huh?

Yeah.

Where's, uh, where's my name?

What?

Clifford. Where's Clifford?

Come on, name a kid Cliff?

I should... have a heart.

Hey, look, Norm, you got every other male name down there

except, uh, Zeus.

Zeus? I like that, Zeus.

Oh, hey, Diane, you're back. Good.

I think you might be interested to know I finally handled

that sticky situation with Amanda and I did it in a way

that'll make you very proud of me.

- Really? - Yeah.

Ooh, got to go.

Diane...

I know that Sam

would not have wanted a big fuss,

but shouldn't we have some sort of funeral for him?

Good lord.

Amanda, I think we better straighten this out.

Sam!

Sam, open the door. We have to talk.

Has the freak show gone yet?

Oh, hi...

we haven't been introduced yet.

I'm Ed, Sam's twin brother.

I'm here to handle the estate.

Oh, boy.

Twin brother. What a trick, huh?

That's why he's the boss.

I can't believe you did this to me, Sam.

I'm sorry, Amanda.

I know it was stupid and cruel.

I could have handled it better.

I guess I could have pretended to be sick for a few days first.

You don't have to apologize, Sam.

I do.

I put you in a terrible spot.

Amanda...

don't despair.

Just when my life seemed to be its darkest,

I met Frasier Crane,

and discovered love doesn't have to hurt you.

Yeah, you can sleep right through it.

I made a lot of mistakes here, Sam.

And I have a history of being wrong about men...

But I know it's different this time with you.

No matter what happens,

I'll never stop loving you till the day I die,

you'll always be mine.

Well, this is going pretty well, wouldn't you say?

Amanda, I didn't want to do this,

but I have to tell you something now

that will change the way you feel about Sam.

Nothing you could ever say

will change the way I feel about him.

Except this.

Except nothing.

No matter what you ever do,

no matter where you ever go,

I'll never get over you.

Amanda, do you remember the man I used to talk about

in group therapy?

Ralph?

This is Ralph.

Sam is Ralph?

That's right.

The man to whom you just pledged your undying love

is Ralph.

Well, he can't hold me to that.

If they won't let me sign contracts or have a credit card or vote,

then I am not responsible for hysterical hogwash that I babbled

in the back room of a bar.

Thank you for saving me, Diane.

Sam...

I will think of you...

every time I see something scurry under the sink.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful...

but what exactly did you say about me in this group therapy?

I told them the truth.

For instance?

Oh, I don't want to get into this.

I made a lot of mistakes myself.

I was not a perfect girlfriend.

No, come on, come on,

I want to know what lousy things these people know about me.

I told them about Christmas.

That again?

Come on, what is wrong with giving steak knives?

I give them to my mother and she loves them.

I give them to you and I never hear the end of it.

Sam, for heaven's sake, I was your lover.

You could have given me something more personal.

Oh, what did you give me for Christmas?

A scarf. What's so personable about that?

I knit it myself.

And I had to take classes to learn how.

I sent away for the cashmere months in advance

just to get that particular grade.

I consulted a colorist to determine the best colors for you

and I hand-dyed the fabric myself.

Yeah, well, I would have made the steak knives,

except I hocked my forge to buy the bar.

What else?

I told them about the time I was laid up with the flu

and you didn't visit me once.

- That... - And you sent me

secondhand flowers for Valentine's Day.

Well, that-- I was nowhere near...

You want to hear this or not?

I told them about the time I cooked you

a seven-course Szechuan dinner for your birthday

and you had a burger on the way over.

I remember that, and there was an explanation.

I just can't remember what it was.

And the time you lied about a relative dying

so you could go skiing and debauching with your buddies.

You still don't see the humor in that?

I wanted to spend the day with you

after our first night together and you went to a football game.

Well, it wasn't a football game.

I mean, the winners went to the play-offs.

Oh, just forget it!

I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry.

I did the best I could when I was with you.

I mean, you're right, I have blind spots

and I'm not a very good boyfriend,

but I have never tried harder with any woman in my life.

I mean, we had some bad times,

but I tell you, the good times with you

were some of the best of my life.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

- Diane, I... - No, Sam, stop.

I want to get out of here

before you say something stupid that ruins it.

No, no, no, no...

No, no, no, no, now, stop.

Don't ruin it.

I'm not going to ruin it. All I want--

Oh, yeah, that would have ruined it.

Oh, would it ever!