Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Yeah?

Hi. I'm looking for Sam Malone,

the ex-Red Sox player.

That's him over there behind the bar.

Boy, has he gotten old.

Oh, no, no, son, I-- I'm Sam Malone.

I know.

Does your mother know you hang around in bars?

Mr. Malone, my brother, Doug, he's the biggest Red Sox fan ever,

but he's in the hospital having his tonsils out.

It would mean a lot to him if he could have an autograph.

Sure thing. No problem.

Yeah, here you go, Sam.

Not yours.

I figured you'd know where to find Carl Yastrzemski.

Well, no, I don't,

but I'll certainly start you on your way.

Sam, hold it, hold it.

Just kidding, just kidding. Here's your ball.

I'm sorry, I don't know where he is.

We don't keep in touch.

Gee, Doug's going to be disappointed.

I don't know what to do.

Hey, could you sign it? It's almost as good.

You sure your brother's not going to mind?

Yeah.

He doesn't know what Yastrzemski's handwriting looks like.

Good point, good point.

Okay, cut the crap.

Today's my birthday. You all know that.

So, if you're planning a surprise party for me,

and you damn well better be,

let's get the show on the road here, huh?

Boy, if that's not a cue for merriment,

I don't know what is.

Just a small token of my appreciation.

A very small token.

Ah, you know what they say,

good things come in small packages.

No, little things come in small packages.

Oh, perfume.

No... toilet water.

Gag gift, gag gift, I went for it.

Okay.

All right, Carla...

Oh, oh, hold that thought.

Maybe this will make it up to you.

Now, this is more like it.

All right.

A jelly bean.

Thank you, Norm.

Another gag gift.

Oh, you guys are too much.

Oh, and garlic flavored!

Oh, nice touch there, Norm.

All right, you guys, all right, all right, all right.

Come on, stop.

I tried to stop them, Carla, but you know how these clowns

have to get their gags in.

Anyway, we saved the, uh, best for last.

This is from me and from Coach.

Silverware...

Uh...

Lone Ranger?

Yeah, you wear it to ride on Silver.

Don't you get it, Carla?

You wear it to ride on Silver!

- Silverware... - Silverware!

Hilarious. Thanks a bunch, guys.

Hey, don't thank us, it's the thought, huh?

Can we throw a party or what?

Ah, there he is.

Frasier, can't we put this off till tomorrow?

It's such a lovely evening.

Let's not despoil it.

Diane, you only inflame violent emotional confrontations

by putting them off.

Your intelligence inflames me.

Oh, really? Well, then...

E equals MC squared.

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

Oh, baby.

Sam, how about a couple of brandies?

Where were you guys?

You missed Carla's birthday party.

Oh, we discovered this wonderful little French-Japanese restaurant.

- Very chic, dark, romantic... - Oh, yeah?

You got to be careful about those unlighted joints.

You never know what kind of grubby-looking food

they're going to slip you.

Oh, not Chez Fujimoto.

Sam... Frasier and I have something important to tell you.

Sam, this may be rough going.

I mean, despite your vehement protests to the contrary,

and with no intention of disparaging your sincerity,

but Diane and I believe that you may still be suffering

some emotional residue from the turbulent relationship

you had with Diane.

I'm sorry, Frasier,

I must have dozed off for a paragraph or two.

What was he saying?

Sam, Frasier and I came to an important decision

tonight after dinner.

Sam, brace yourself.

Diane and I are going to Cohabitate.

Is that--

Right here in the bar?

Well, I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.

This is predictable, making jokes to mask the pain.

No, I don't understand what you two are talking about.

Sam, I'm going to move in to Frasier's fashionable townhouse.

And where's Frasier going to move to?

Sam, I believe you're being deliberately opaque in a situation where we're...

Frasier, he's making a joke.

Oh, shoot.

So, you two are going to shack up together, huh?

Yes, I decided it was time.

I suddenly realized that the only thing

that spoiled an evening with Diane

was having to say good night to her.

Really? That was one of my highlights.

Sam, we know how much this has hurt you,

but your defensiveness about it is becoming annoying.

No, listen, I don't know what you expected me to do when you told me,

but the truth is, this does not bother me.

I am very happy for you two kids.

Well, thank you, Sam.

We couldn't be happier.

The only thing that could stand in the way

of a total commitment now would be Pavlov's response.

You see, that's my little joke, Sam.

Pavlov is my dog, you see,

and, uh, well,

I couldn't resist the witticism.

Let me explain, Sam. You see, Pavlov--

No, that's okay, that's okay. I know all about Pavlov.

Pavlov's response-- drooling at the sound of a dinner bell.

I've done that before, but I never knew what to call it.

I had a puppy once.

My ex-wife took her.

Little bitch.

About this high.

Oh, Frasier,

we left Carla's present in the car.

Oh, I'll get it.

Hope I can remember where I parked the thing.

I'm so inebriated with joy over this situation.

Or else the sake made me crocky.

Hey...

Hey, nobody told me he was funny.

Now you know why.

It's pretty exciting news.

Well, yes, we felt it was time.

Well, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Because we'll need it?

No. Gosh, no.

I think you two are a pair made in heaven.

I don't care what the skeptics say.

I say the two of you

will last... let's see, what time is it now?

Sam, you're hurting now, aren't you? Admit it.

It's not in the least surprising that you're bitter,

because I never took this step with you,

but what Frasier and I have together is more substantial.

What you and I had was exciting, tempestuous at times,

but there was no future in it.

Yeah, you got to be careful about that excitement stuff.

I mean, too much of that,

and soon you're starting to expect life to be...

enjoyable.

Then one day, you wake up,

and all those years of pleasure have gone by,

and what have you got to show for it?

Happiness.

How true.

Here it is. Where's our birthday girl?

She's in the back. She'll be out in a minute.

Oh, Sam, would you call her?

Carla!

I have a great deal to do.

We want to start moving my clothes in tonight.

Frasier, do you have enough closet space?

Loads, Diane. Don't worry about that.

Carla, Frasier and Diane here have a gift for you.

Be still, my heart.

Many happy returns, Carla.

Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful wrapping.

Oh, yes, Coach, exquisite wrapping.

Now let's get to the joke.

Oh... Oh, Diane, these are beautiful.

Frasier picked them out.

Thank you, Frasier.

Don't mention it.

Sam, how about a little vino to break them in?

Yeah, yeah. I want to make a toast.

I want to toast to the two people

who had enough class to get me a real gift.

To Diane and Frasier.

No matter how many times I give fine dribble crystal,

I never tire of it.

So, uh, how's it going, Carla?

Fine, thank you.

But, say, don't think I don't appreciate

busy guys like you caring enough to ask.

I think she's still sore about the gag gifts.

She's, uh, more than sore.

She's hurt, offended, and, uh, resentful.

Yep.

If she were wearing dirty bunny slippers,

she could be Vera.

You know, it's our fault, really, you know.

If we had chipped in together,

we could have gotten her something nice.

Well, it's not too late.

I mean, we can still give her a surprise.

Just buy her a real gift.

Well, uh, I'm a knowledgeable shopper.

I'll be happy to take charge of, uh...

"Operation Make-Good."

Hey, just a second here now.

We sure we want Cliff to handle this?

He's likely to go off and buy something kind of tasteless.

Yeah, but none of us'll know the difference.

All right, Cliff ie. Yeah, be our man.

Afternoon, everyone.

Golly, isn't it a beautiful day?

How are the new living arrangements going, huh?

Oh, like a charm.

I don't know why we didn't do it right from the start.

Is that right?

Yeah, I couldn't be happier,

absolutely.

Say, Diane, uh...

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I'm sorry.

You'll have to excuse that. I have some...

Some kind of an itch,

sort of in the back of my throat,

but not exactly.

Have you ever had one of... those?

Boy, it's almost as if it's inside my ear...

But not there, either, you know?

- Gee, that must be maddening. - Yeah.

Let me get you the ice pick.

Well, it was worse before. I was sneezing all morning.

At least that's stopped.

Hmm. Gee, I wonder what causes it, huh?

That adorable puppy of Frasier's.

Little Pavlov?

Well, she's very sweet, of course, but I'm a cat person.

I obviously have some kind of an allergy to dogs.

Are you sure it's the dog?

Well, what else could it be?

Well, you've been around that dog before.

I mean, you must have.

You know...

moving in with Frasier is kind of a big commitment.

I just wonder

if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.

Oh, Sam, I'm very impressed.

That's a complex psychological concept

coming from a man who has to write L and R

on the bottom of his shoes.

So does that mean you agree with me or not?

Don't be ridiculous.

Gee, you know, I just had this thought.

Could it possibly be

that you still love somebody from your past?

You?

Well, not necessarily.

It could have been Sumner or anybody, for that matter,

but isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?

No.

You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Hello, my dearest darling.

Frasier.

Uh... Gesundheit.

Diane, I've reconsidered.

I was quite unyielding this morning,

and I now realize that your happiness comes first,

so I must give up Pavlov.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Of course, I can't just put the little tyke out on the streets.

I mean, I've got to find her the best possible home.

That could be a lengthy, time-consuming process.

I'll take her.

Frasier, I realize that this may--

I mean, if the dog is the only thing standing between you,

then if I take her away,

everything'll be fine for Diane, right?

I mean, and I love dogs, Frasier.

I'll give her a great home. I will.

- Well, there we are, then. - Yeah.

Done, Sam. Done, and by golly, done.

- She's yours. - Good.

Well, then, that should clear just about everything up, huh?

Well, I should say so.

And we're mighty grateful, too, Sam.

Aren't we, Diane?

Oh, my, yes.

In fact, do you want to hear something funny?

Just knowing that the dog is going,

I'm already feeling better.

No more allergies.

Gesundheit.

Hello, Sam.

Hey, Frasier.

Well, what can I get you?

Well, I've got a pretty heavy patient load this afternoon.

Why don't you make it a triple Stinger and a beer chaser?

No, no, let me have a club soda.

So, Sam, listen, fill me in.

I'm hungry for news of little Pavlov.

Pavlov?

Oh, you must mean little Diane.

Beg your pardon?

Yeah, I renamed the puppy Diane.

I figured you wouldn't mind.

I mean, it's my puppy now.

Yeah, boy, I tell you, it's so wonderful.

I come home.

She gives me a little trouble,

I swat her on the rear end and say, "Shut up, Diane."

And she does.

It's heaven.

Sam, I have to be honest with you.

Changing the dog's name hurts me a little.

Don't you think two Dianes will be a little confusing?

Oh, maybe you're right. I hadn't thought of that.

Well, we'll just have to call your girlfriend Pavlov.

By the way, how is Pavlov's allergies now that I got Diane?

Well, you know, these things don't clear up overnight.

The latest symptom is a recurring voice change.

A what?

Well, you'll have to hear it.

I don't think words can do it justice.

Psst. Sam.

- Yeah? - Where's Carla?

Come here.

I did it, I did it.

I went out...

I got her a great birthday present.

You mean it's Carla's birthday already again?

They tell me that the older you get,

the time goes...

No, no, Coach, Coach, this is just a real gift to make up

for those gag gifts we got.

A real gift, which had better be good.

Hi, sweetheart.

Sam.

Hey, uh, Carla?

Many happy returns.

No, thanks.

No more hilarious gifts, okay?

My sides are still sore from last week.

Carla, it's a very nice gift.

Oh, yeah?

What does it do, uh, explode? Stink?

Or make disgusting sounds?

No, no, no, this is the real gift, Carla,

which better be good.

Oh, oh, this is beautiful.

Oh, I love this. It's perfect!

All right.

Oh, this makes up for everything, I think.

Well, you know, it's not easy for me to say thanks, but...

Thanks, guys.

Okay...

- Hey, way to go, Cliff. - Way to go.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, uh, you haven't heard the best part, though.

The longer you wear it,

the body heat makes the words "I am horny as a hoot owl"

appear right on the back.

Get him out of here.

See you tomorrow, gang.

Good night, Cliff.

Excuse me, Sam?

Something's been troubling me.

I... I think I gave you the wrong impression a while ago

that Diane and I are unhappy.

No, no.

Well, you know, we're just going through a period of adjustment. You know.

In fact, today, I think, she's shown some improvement.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, Diane.

Aren't you going to say gesundheit?

Diane, I'm afraid we've moved past "gesundheit',

and we're now on our way to "stuff a sock in it."

Frasier!

I'm sorry. You know I was joking.

How come you still have allergies if I've got Diane?

Diane?

That's what he calls Pavlov.

Don't ask.

Well, Diane, are you feeling any better?

There are obviously still traces of Pavlov in the apartment

which I cannot remove.

And she's really tried.

So far I've had it fumigated,

I've had all the furniture reupholstered,

had the wallpaper steamed off.

Yeah. Looks darned good, incidentally.

We discovered natural brick on most of one wall,

and I think the place really needed redecorating.

Sweetheart, how would you feel about linoleum in the living room?

What?

Well, a lot of people have done it,

and I'm almost sure I've seen pictures...

That's it, that's it, that's it!

I can't take it anymore.

Denial, evasion, repression--

I've devoted myself professionally to fighting all of these,

and now I'm wading in them upstream.

Okay, okay, keep the carpet.

Diane, we're both intelligent enough

to know how often allergic reactions are psychosomatic.

Gee, there's a thought.

Maybe on some subconscious level,

you really don't want to be living with me.

Frasier, it's the dog.

I keep telling you, it's the dog!

The voice.

Diane, the damn dog is gone.

She's halfway across the city.

I don't want to go on putting you through all this.

Frasier...

We've made a commitment here.

Obviously, you're not ready yet for this kind of commitment.

Perhaps someday you will be. Perhaps not.

We'll just have to wait and see.

No, I'm going to make this work.

Diane, please, don't hold on to this for me.

I love you,

but I think your health is more important.

Maybe you're right.

I'm sure I'm right.

Now, listen, go and gargle and spray your throat,

use your inhaler,

take your antihistamine,

and, uh, put your nose drops in.

Use whatever else you can find in that pharmacy you call a purse.

Well, Sam, aren't you going to gloat?

I like to think I'm above that, Diane.

Now, am I nuts, or is that kind of sexy?

Oh, Frasier, I'm s--

That's a tough break.

Damn it, Sam.

I really thought we were going to make it work in a big way.

Well, I bet you do,

and I bet you do it pretty soon too.

Will you excuse me?

Well, Sam, the problem is, you see, now I'm entirely alone.

Yeah, yeah, that's tough.

I want my doggie back!

Frasier, I-I've grown accustomed to the old girl.

Well, my emotional need for her right now is stronger than yours.

Yeah, but she's mine.

Yeah, but I love her.

Well, you can find another one.

Sam, I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

There's nothing you can say that would make me change my mind.

She's mine and she always will be.

You were never anything but a port in the storm.

I want her and I'm going to have her.

And nobody's going to stand in my way or else they'll suffer my wrath.

Do I make myself clear, Mr. Malone?

Frasier!

This is so exciting.

You are the only man who has ever proclaimed his feelings for me

with such eloquence.

Uh, I got a flash for you here, Diane.

- What we were talking about-- - Sam, she knows perfectly well

what and who we were talking about.

She's a clever girl and a... a beautiful one.

Frasier, do you know

that there's a Kurosawa film festival playing at Cambridge?

Well, Diane, I'm not really in the mood to go--

Kurosawa, you say?

Kurosawa, and I'm really in the mood.

Oh, I could see his films again and again

and again and again...

Sam, uh, could I have the afternoon off, please?

Yes, Sam, you wouldn't want to stand between me and Diane

and, uh, The Seven Samurai, would you?

No, no, no, no.

I hope all nine of you have a wonderful time.

Sammy, Frasier walks out of here with Diane

and you get to go home to a dog.

Yeah, somebody up there likes me.