Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hello.

Oh, hi. What can I get you?

I'm a phone company repairman.

Oh, I'm a bartender. Ernie Pantusso.

Phil Ryan.

I got a call to come down here.

Gee, there must be some mistake, Phil.

I didn't call for any repairmen.

I think Sam put in a call, Coach.

He did? Gee, that's strange.

He didn't say anything to me about it.

I better give him a call and find out what this is all about.

Bum luck, Phil. Phone's out.

Give him a couple of seconds.

Say, Phil?

Uh, I hate to impose on you,

but since they got you down here on this wild-goose chase,

would you mind taking a look at the phone?

Sure.

Thank you.

Lucky thing he happened by here, huh, Carla?

Sometimes fate takes a hand, Coach.

Hi, everybody.

I bet you're surprised to see me

on my night off.

Yeah, we didn't hear your broom pull up.

What are you doing here tonight?

I'm having dinner upstairs with Frasier and his mother.

She's a seafood aficionado,

and we think she'll like the bouillabaisse at Melville's.

You're having dinner with Frasier's mother?

You actually deduced

I'm having dinner with Frasier and his mother

when all I did was say it in your presence?

No flash cards, no crib notes on your sleeve?

Uncanny.

Well, we're a little edgy tonight, aren't we?

But I guess I can't blame you.

Meeting Mom is a big step in a relationship.

Granted, meeting your prospective fiancé's mother,

especially when she's an eminent psychiatrist

trained to spot the slightest quirk in a person's behavior,

could be a nerve-wracking evening

for somebody who's actually going to be there.

But I'm not. Good night.

Chickening out, huh, Diane?

Absolutely not. They're 12 seconds late.

Hey, come on. Get back here.

Sit down and have a glass of wine.

Coach?

Sit down now, honey, and just relax.

Everything's going to be fine.

Just remember-- now, don't snap your gum,

don't chew with your mouth open,

and for God's sakes, don't play with your bra straps.

I'll try to remember that, Coach.

Well, trying's not good enough.

I'll just have to write it down for you.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Norm! - Norman.

Well, what would you say to a nice beer, Normie?

"Going down?"

Listen, uh, Coach...

Yeah?

Do me a favor, and, uh,

don't make a big fuss over me today, okay?

- You know? - You got it.

You know, no cakes, candles, party hats, singing. None of that, huh?

Okay.

You know, because, really,

it would be so embarrassing, you know what I mean?

And no gifts, all right?

Yeah...

Whatever you do, don't ask me how old I am today.

Normie, is today your birthday?

Coach, you remembered, huh?

Hey, everybody, it's Normie's birthday.

All right, let me buy the birthday boy a drink here.

Please, you're making too big a deal out of this.

There you are, my darling.

At last you two meet.

The woman who gave me life and the woman who gives me life.

- Oh, Frasier. - Oh, Frasier.

Forgive me.

I lose my head in the company of beautiful women.

Dr. Crane--

Oh, please, dear, call me Hester.

Hester, it's a pleasure.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Let me take your coat, Mother.

Diane?

Here's the list of tips I promised.

Thank you, Coach.

I also added instructions

for a dainty way to dispose of gristle.

Oh, Frasier, she's lovely.

You know, he's made no secret of the fact,

but even he didn't do you justice.

Well, in an anxiety-provoking situation such as this,

one tends to respond with exaggerated compliments.

Let me just be frank.

You are the most strikingly handsome woman

I've ever laid eyes on.

Oh...

Something exciting is happening here.

Exciting, but not surprising.

I say, by the end of the evening you two will be thick as thieves.

Only if we can't resist the temptation to pig out on cheesecake.

Hey, Doc.

Doc.

Uh, Vic's ready for you upstairs.

I hope everybody's got an appetite.

I'll never eat again.

Let me, uh, hurry on up

and make sure we've got a good table.

I'm thick with Vic.

Well, Mother...

Oh, boy, you see that?

What?

Well, Frasier purposely avoided

drawing me into the conversation.

Yeah, I noticed that, too, Cliff ie.

What's his problem?

Oh, he knows how well-versed I am in his field, Coach.

I've embarrassed many a professional so-called expert.

Actually, Cliff,

I think you've embarrassed everybody you know.

Well, as long as you're saying it, it's not bragging.

Hey, Norm!

When did you get here?

Thirty-six years ago today.

Yeah, it's my buddy Norm's birthday today.

- Is that right? - Yep.

Well, I think the birthday of one of my best customers

deserves a little of the old bubbly.

No, no, no, no.

Well, maybe you're right.

- Hey! - Just kidding, just kidding.

- You got me! - Open this up on the double there,

will ya, Coach?

Congratulations, man, and many happy returns.

Thanks.

Just as long as you don't go singing "Happy Birthday".

You know, 'cause I'd really hate that, you know,

if you sang "Happy Birthday".

Yeah, just because it is my... Happy...

- Happy Birthday to you... - No!

- Happy Birthday to you... - You guys.

Cut it out. Come on, now.

Happy Birthday, dear Norm

Hold on!

Norm!

Are you all right?

Are you okay, buddy?

Yeah, yeah. I'm all right.

Ooh, that sucker nearly hit me.

Hold-- hold-- hold still now.

Why don't you, uh, sit down here for a second?

Nah, nah.

You all right?

Yeah.

How many fingers I got?

Three.

Not you, Coach.

Three.

Sure, after I give him the answer.

- You sure? - Yes, I'm fine.

Uh, now, wait a minute, Sammy.

The primary symptom of postprandial trauma

is a blurring of the metatarsals.

Cliff, shut up.

Oh, okay, fine, I'll shut up.

Go ahead and wallow in ignorance.

I think we're reentering the Dark Ages here.

Do we gain an hour or lose an hour there?

Would you guys cut it out?

Hey, listen, why don't you go see a doctor?

- That thing hit you pretty hard. - Nah, I'm all right.

No, come on. Play it safe.

Go to the emergency room. I'll pay for it.

No, no, no, a little rap on the head,

doesn't even hurt anymore.

Normie's right.

I got a rap in the head all the time in baseball.

I never went to a doctor.

- And you'll keep my glass chilled? - Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, terrific, Normie,

I'll pass that on.

Hey, listen, everybody,

Normie's just fine.

They're just keeping him in the hospital overnight

to do a few more tests on him.

A lot of people miss the whimsy in Jung.

He's given me many a chuckle.

I wrote one of my favorite papers about it.

It's entitled, tongue in cheek, of course,

"Hello, Jung Lovers."

How clever.

Oh, dear.

Something just struck me.

I hope I haven't dominated the conversation tonight.

Oh, nonsense, Diane.

The wine and your verbiage

were the perfect complement to our meal.

Now, listen, why don't you two have a seat

and I'll get us a fine cordial?

Will you entrust me to make the selection?

Now, I have a very special little treat in mind

that I've just discovered, and I'd like to surprise you with it.

Oh, Frasier, you're mad, but I love you.

Three cans of Schlitz.

Listen, and listen carefully.

Stop seeing my son or, as God is my witness, I'll kill you.

Something to munch on.

Yum, yum, yum.

Now listen to me.

I have a gun.

I know how to use it.

Here we are.

Oh, doesn't that look lovely?

What do you call it?

Well, it's a delightful pear liqueur.

Oh, sounds delicious, doesn't it, Diane?

I think she likes it.

Well, I hate to leave your company again so soon,

but I must, uh, visit the men's room.

You know what they say,

you only rent a Chateau Lafite Rothschild.

I'll go with you.

Well, Diane, there are some things

a man must do alone.

If you love me, you won't do this now.

Well, it's a peculiar test of a man's affection,

but, uh, I think I'm up to it.

You know, I've just had an inspiration.

What say we go to an intimate cabaret

and hear some jazz?

Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Frasier.

How do you feel about it, Diane?

Diane, you're white as a sheet.

Are you okay?

I'm a little tired, Frasier.

Why don't you and Hester go alone without me?

No, we wouldn't think of it.

No, no, I insist.

Um, I'll be fine. I'll call a cab.

I wouldn't want to interfere with your fun time. Please.

She's tired. Don't press her.

Go home, dear.

Rest.

You need a night on the town like you need a hole in the head.

I'll be fine.

Thank you.

Very well.

I'll, uh, call you later.

So, how'd dinner go?

She wants to kill me.

You got to start picking up some checks, Diane.

Sam, I have to ask you a question,

and promise me you won't make a joke out of it.

Okay? Promise.

Yeah, I promise.

What's up?

Do you think I'm crazy?

Yes.

Now that we've gotten the joke out of the way,

will you please help me?

I know this is a strange question, but it's important.

Do you think I'm... crazy?

Yes.

I should have known better.

You're incapable of a rational conversation.

Everything has to be some flip remark.

Well, all right, now wait a minute.

Do you mean are you crazy like seriously unbalanced,

like losing your grasp on reality?

Yes.

Oh, well, then... yes.

When you're ready to discuss this as an adult,

then we will talk.

Say, do I, uh, sense a bit of tension

between you and dear old Mother Crane?

Well, I don't want to blow this out of proportion.

Doesn't every woman feel their mother-in-law-to-be

is an evil, dark-hearted, psychotic murderess?

I mean, competitor?

What exactly did she say?

I don't remember it word for word.

Something about "I have a gun," and "I know how to use it."

And then before she left,

she said I needed a night on the town

like I needed a hole in the head.

That's kind of cute.

Cute?

You think a death threat is cute?

Well, not as a rule, no, but, uh, you know, come on,

you know, your sense of humor's not exactly your strong point.

Now is it possible that this lady's joking with you?

Well, anything is possible, but what's funny about...

a hole in the head?

Is it possible?

Oh, I feel so foolish.

She must think I'm a twit.

Don't worry about that, because when I first met you,

I thought you were a twit too.

Boy, this gal is a real kidder, huh?

I mean, we're talking veritable goose.

Well, fortunately, we're having lunch together

so I can show Hester

that I can give as good as I get.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Norm! - Normie!

What's up, Norm?

Everything that's supposed to be.

Hey, Norm, how're you doing?

I hear you spent the night in the hospital.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm okay, though.

I'm fine.

Here, uh, you can just take care of this at your leisure, I suppose.

Six-hundred and eighty-three dollars?

- Yeah. - Just to have your head checked?

Yeah, isn't that something?

Well, they did a whole battery of tests on me, Sam.

Hey, I thought the important thing is that I'm okay, isn't it?

Well, no.

Well, now I mean, yes,

but $683!

Well, Sammy, uh,

the cost of diagnostic testing has gone up dramatically.

I read recently where it's run into billions every year.

Gee, I didn't know so many people got hit by corks.

What all'd they do to you down there, Norm?

Mostly routine stuff.

Well, I did take care of one other little matter.

Like what?

Oh, I had a little mole removed.

And you stuck me with it?

Norm, where did you have a mole?

That, uh, must have been the one on your butt there, huh?

Uh, Norm, I didn't know you were that... vain.

Who's ever going to see your rear end?

You're just about to, wise guy.

I think you took advantage of me here, Norm.

Well, Sam, I figured you'd want to throw in the mole.

Makes a nice birthday gift, you know.

All right, you want to be hard-nosed about it, come on.

I'll pay for it. Hey, come on.

- No, no, no. - No, yes.

Happy birthday.

Thank you, Sam.

It's just what I wanted.

You're welcome.

You know, I know it's a little early,

but I wouldn't say no to a tummy tuck for Christmas.

I'll think about it.

Oh, hey, Diane, look who's here.

If you have knees, prepare to slap them now.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Diane, are you feeling better?

- Much better, thank you. - Good.

If, uh, Sam the slave driver will let us steal you away,

I have reservations for three for lunch.

Oh, sounds good.

Hester, I've been thinking a lot about our little talk last night.

I hope you've been thinking long and hard.

I have.

Frasier,

I came to a decision last night.

When and if we marry,

I think we should commit "Mommie Dearest" here

to a rest home,

making sure that beating and starving

are the only forms of recreation.

Diane!

- I, uh, beg your pardon? - Diane...

In fact, I feel like slapping your face right now.

Take me out of here this moment.

Well, it's a joke.

Come on. I'm obviously kidding.

We're not going to put the woman in a rest home.

We'll have her with us always.

We're going to have her stuffed.

And I'll even slit her throat in the process.

Thank you, Sam.

I've never encountered such hostility,

personally or professionally.

I'm leaving.

No, no, just a minute, let's all take a beat.

Now, the three of us are going into Sam's office

and we're going to work this thing through.

There's got to be some logical explanation.

And there'd better be, Diane.

Well, it's a joke.

It's all joking.

Hester, you're with me on this, aren't you?

If terrible threats constitute jokes,

no, I'm not with you on this.

Okay, time to take stock here.

I'm not crazy.

Right, Diane? Right you are.

A whole year of my life.

Hester, I was trying to joke with you

like you were joking with me.

And if you weren't joking,

then you threatened my life last night, and I think you--

- I what? - She what?

She said that if I didn't stop seeing you,

she'd shoot me.

This was obviously a mistake.

Oh, no!

You know perfectly well you threatened my life.

Diane, for heaven's sake!

I will not stay and be talked to like this.

Frasier, she is a rude, boorish, spiteful woman,

who, for some reason that I don't understand, resents me terribly.

Now, Mother, please.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Diane.

I'm not lying. She is.

And if you love me,

you'll stand up for me right now when I need it.

But, Diane, I--

Frasier, I'm asking you to leave with me now.

Frasier,

this is the most important moment

in our relationship.

If you abandon me now, that's it.

Mother, why did you threaten Diane?

You believe her?

Yes.

Oh, God.

I've lost you.

Oh, Frasier, I did say those terrible things,

but, believe me, I had good reason.

Okay, she said them, but she had good reasons.

Not good enough.

They'd better be good.

The best in the world.

Oh, I wanted to save you

from ruining what could be a brilliant career.

I just can't stand the picture of you being married

to a pseudo-intellectual barmaid.

No offense intended.

None taken.

Ça ne fait rien.

Mother, I can't believe this of you,

a woman who has always been

the most gentle, rational human being I've ever known.

Oh, my dear boy,

you know that I would never follow through

on my threat to kill her.

You know, as I was pricing revolvers this morning,

I realized how irrational my feelings were.

But don't you understand?

I'd rather see you...

shoveling sherbet at Howard Johnson's

in a silly hat and an apron than...

than make a bad marriage.

Mother, you don't understand.

We're not going to have a bad marriage.

And I'm not going to shovel sherbet.

But I would be happy doing it

if Diane were at my side.

Oh, Frasier...

I never realized

how much this woman meant to you.

Of course, I don't really understand why.

I never could understand your spider collection either,

but I grew to accept that.

Diane, she's reaching out.

Please.

Dr. Crane, I'm sorry

if I made a bad first impression, but I think--

No, I know it was a wrong impression.

I may be a diamond in the rough now,

but I'm a dreamer...

and I have a habit of making dreams come true.

When and if I marry Frasier Crane,

I will be the kind of wife and family

you'll be proud to know and claim.

Why, people will get tired

hearing you boast about your daughter-in-law.

Diane, I see I've handled this so badly.

Well, yes.

I suppose I've made a few mistakes myself.

Oh, let's go out and come in again.

I'd love to.

This is the most incredible moment of my entire day.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take you two future best pals

out to the finest lunch in town.

Sounds good.

Okay.

I need a glass of water.

Oh, you two, you go ahead.

I'll catch up with you.

Oh, that's okay. It's free of charge.

I understand you used to date that woman.

I want to know how much you'd charge

to start things up again.

You don't have enough money.

How would you know?

There isn't enough money.

I know what you mean.

No, I don't think you do.

I think I do.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

Oh, no.