Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Last call, everybody.

You going to wake Norm?

No, it won't be necessary.

One more, and I'm a memory.

Coming right up.

- How long was I asleep? - Couple of hours.

You dropped off during Cliff's Florida travelogue.

Yeah, boy, you were the lucky one.

Any subject you bring up, he uses as an opening.

Yeah, at least before he went to Florida,

he was boring on a wide range of topics.

Hey, cool it, he's coming.

Don't anybody say anything about anything.

Hey, look at this, huh? He is risen.

Yeah, you were snoring away for quite a while there, wasn't he, Carla?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, another day shot, huh?

Guess I'll just slip off to the old hacienda and close the peepers.

Yup, good night.

Later.

Well, it's not really later in Florida, Sammy.

It's a popular misconception.

It's Eastern Standard Daylight Time down there too.

Speaking of time, boy, it really stops still when you're in the Everglades.

Boy, they've got huge gators down there.

You know, gators are what we, who are familiar with Florida, call the alligators.

Yeah, they got huge gators and gigantic Crocs.

- You all know what a croc is? - Oh, yeah.

Well, yeah, the first, first morning there was crystalline.

As I was stepping out of the hydrofoil, the captain, Billy Bob Dupre, I think his name was,

asked me not to bring the beach umbrella,

well, 'cause it got caught in the prop on the way out...

- Hi. I'm finally here. Better late than never. - Wouldn't be my choice.

Sorry, Sam, traffic was awful.

That's okay. Oh, what've we got here?

Just some things.

Some things you forgot a few months ago.

To be opened later-- privately, very discreetly.

Hey, my pants. All right.

Ooh, I've been looking for these. Where'd you find 'em? In your bedroom?

A little louder, please,

for the three or four people in the Ukraine who didn't hear.

There's more. I don't know how you got along

without your Snoopy toothbrush.

Nice, Sammy, nice.

Hey, Mr. Tooth Decay better watch out now, huh, Sam?

I'll have you know that four out of five dentists rate this right at the top.

I trust you'll return the favor.

I may have inadvertently left one or two things at your place.

- I'm almost sure I left my beige sweater there. - No problem. I'll take a peek under the bed.

Oh, but you can keep that little hand puppet you loved so much.

- Hand puppet? - Yes, Brian the Lion.

Oh, yeah. Brian the Lion.

I remember how touched you were

that I actually gave you something I had in my childhood.

Yeah. Touched, extremely.

I'll give you five bucks to run out of the room right now.

- You got it. - No, no, take this with you.

Brian...

Oh, yeah, by golly, in this light, it does look a little bit like Brian.

Brian the Lion, a bar rag?

Sam Malone, you are the most insensitive, insufferable boob

I have ever had the misfortune to run across.

Oh, come on, it just wasn't meant to work out

between me and Brian.

I wasn't cut out to be a puppeteer.

That's got to be a tough thing for a man to admit in public, eh?

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. Please, Diane, don't, don't be mad at me.

Hmm? Please.

Well...

- Please? - I guess I'm overreacting.

Oh, good, then, how about a little kiss, hmm?

Okay.

And put some tongue in it.

Well, Sammy, that'll be five bucks for my mad dash out of the room.

So, what was that all about?

Brian the Lion was my dearest childhood pal.

Oh. Then being a grimy bar rag should be a step up.

Norm, it's a little-known fact that the word "Florida"

comes from the language of the Okefenokee Indians

and it means, literally,

- 'a place where the old people come to sweat'. - Excuse me.

Sam.

Did you see... see the lady there in the green dress?

- Yeah. - I'm going to marry her.

- You're going to marry her? - I'm going to marry her.

- Wha--what's her name? - I don't know her name.

That--that doesn't mean a thing.

Sam, it's what we Italians call the "thunderbolt."

I had the exact same thing happen to me

when I first laid eyes on my Angela.

Coach, don't you think you're jumping the gun a little bit here?

Cliff ie, honest, I know what I know.

Norm, do you think I should go over there and introduce myself?

Yeah, I think it's best, Coach.

It eliminates that awkward first meeting at the altar.

Coach,

that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard in this bar.

- Whoa, wait a minute. - Oh, thank you, Diane.

What about when I invited you to my nude limbo party?

- Christmas Eve was a bad time for it, Sam. - Ah. Maybe so.

The trouble is you're a little outnumbered over there, Coach.

Yeah, Coach, I think you need somebody

to run interference with her young friend.

You're absolutely right, Cliff ie. Sam, would you go over there with me?

Yeah, Sam would have been my pick.

Coach, I'm going to be blunt with you.

Her friend's cute and all that,

but she doesn't have what I'm looking for in a woman.

What's that, breakaway clothes?

No. No, she just looks a little too tame for me, that's all.

Come on, now, Coach, you've got to look at it from my point of view.

- I mean, I only have so many nights. - And I'd trade all of mine for one of yours.

- No, you wouldn't. - Oh, yeah, I'd throw in my left lung too.

Would you please come over with me? I'd appreciate it.

Oh, boy, you know, the things I do for you, Coach...

Oh, thank you, Sam. Gee, I haven't done this in such a long time.

Look at my hands. They're sweating. Thank you, Sam.

Coach, I'm going to tell you what you used to tell me when I was nervous

- and going out to the mound in late innings. - What?

Blow it, and I don't know you.

Boy, I should have written some of those things down.

- Ready? - Yeah, let's go.

Good evening, ladies. Hi. My name's Sam Malone,

and this is my friend, Ernie Pantusso. You can call him Coach.

We were wondering if you ladies could settle a bet for us.

Are you two sisters?

My name's Irene Blanchard, and this is my daughter, Sue Blanchard.

- Ah. - Oh.

- Hi. How are you? Sue? - Pleasure to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

No, no.

Listen, we don't want-- mean to intrude here. You girls waiting for your husbands?

No, neither of us is married.

Well, I'll see what I can do about that.

Would you care to join us?

- Well, thank you. - Yeah, why not?

Thank you very much.

You two ladies out on the town tonight?

No, actually, we just dropped by to rob the place.

Everybody do as they say, and nobody'll get hurt.

No, Coach, that was a joke.

Oh, well, I really enjoy a sense of humor.

I mean, with me, it's an absolute must.

- Is that a player piano over there? - Oh...

Coach. Coach, that was not a joke.

Oh. Well, I like a serious side to someone too.

Yes, yes, that is a player piano.

- Would you like to see it? - Yes.

I haven't seen one since I was a teenager.

- When was that, last summer? - Oh, Mr. Pantusso, you're a sly one.

If I didn't know better,

I'd think you were trying to steal my heart away.

I'd rather have it given to me. Come on.

Excuse us.

Sam, I'm not going too fast for you, am I?

No, no, I'm just waiting for an opening, Coach.

Opening? You could drive a truck through this one.

Well, here we are...

Man, woman... Cool evening breeze, full moon.

Need I say more?

Only if you want me to know what you're talking about.

Ah.

I'm sorry, that was my cute way

of inviting you out to dinner and an evening of romance.

Oh. Well, that's a very tempting offer,

but... Mother and I haven't been out for, oh, months.

Ah. Well, I understand.

Just my luck, huh?

Well, I'll tell you, if you change your mind,

there'll be a moonbeam with our name on it.

Excuse me, Sue, but Ernie wants to take me to dinner at his favorite restaurant.

I know you won't mind, because we've had dinner together every night this week.

Very funny book.

Don't wait up.

Sam, Sam, this is okay with you, isn't it?

- Sam? - Hmm?

- Is this okay with you? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, good night.

Don't worry. I'll have her back by Thursday.

Excuse me, you did say you and Mom hadn't been out to dinner for months?

Uh...

Yes, I'm afraid I've been caught in a lie.

You were lying to get out of dating me?

Well, I'm sorry. I was only trying to let you down easy.

You were trying to let me down easy?

The fact of the matter, Mr. Malone, is that you're not my type.

I'm not your type?

You know, you're not adding a lot to this chat, Mr. Malone.

I'm not adding a lot to this chat?

Really, I--I'm sorry. What can I say?

The initial attraction just isn't there. I'm sorry.

No, hey, no problem. Are you kidding me?

I was just inviting you out there to help out my pal.

The truth is you're not my type either.

Well, fine, no harm done.

No, none. I mean, there's nothing going on here.

No magic, no spark, no reason to continue.

What're you doing tomorrow?

Well, I'm not doing anything tomorrow, but what does it matter?

- You see, I'm not interested in you. - Right. Yeah, we established that, right.

Thursday? Friday? Saturday? This week?

Hey, I don't want to go out with you!

Okay, Norm, okay, so he blew one. He's not a god.

- He was to me. I... - There, there...

My world doesn't make sense anymore.

What's going on here, Sammy? What went wrong?

Boy, you know, if you ask me, that girl's got a big problem.

You're right. It's called good taste.

- Oh, well, there you go. - That explains it, yeah.

It's the bottom of the ninth with two outs, and the Sox need a miracle here tonight...

Carla, Carla, look, the Sox are rallying in the ninth inning.

I've sworn off those losers forever.

I am not interested.

It's going, going!

I retract everything. Go, Sox.

- Oh, it's gone up against the wall. - Oh, God. Oh!

You know, I don't ask for much in this life.

Fresh fish,

ten cents off on laundry detergent,

volcanic boils all over my ex-husband,

and the Sox in the Series again before I die.

- Hey, you're a good woman, Carla. - Ah, shove it.

Sam, did you remember to bring my sweater in tonight?

Your-- I'm sorry, I forgot that again. Don't worry,

- I promise I'll bring it in tomorrow night. - Please. I have to remind you every night.

Well, that's okay. It gives me a chance to throw it in the washing machine.

For God's sake, don't throw it in the washer.

It's handspun lamb's wool. It'll shrink up to nothing.

Ah, oh, it'll shrink. Yeah, well, I'm glad we had this little talk.

I didn't realize that.

You know, since I'm going to have to part with that sweater, could you tell me

where I might be able to get one exactly like it?

Sorry, Sam, I bought it in Ireland years ago.

- It's one of a kind, totally irreplaceable. - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So if a guy had been spending the whole morning

going from one department store to the next, he'd have been wasting his time?

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Oh...

It's clean.

Sam, how could you?

Oh, come on now, Diane. Don't be small about this.

I hate you.

Well, don't--don't you want this?

What in the world is it good for?

Well, did you ever see that movie, The Incredible Shrinking Woman?

I pray to God it never happens to you, but you never know.

Oh, isn't it romantic?

Ta-da-da-da-da

Ta-da-dee-da-da...

Oh, hey, Coach, I think I know somebody who's in love.

Oh, good, buy him a beer, Cliff. So am I.

- No, Coach, Coach, I meant you. - Oh, no, I don't need a beer.

I'm just too happy as it is, Cliff.

Oh, Sam, sorry things with you and Sue didn't work out.

No, don't worry about it. Who needs that walking frigidaire anyway?

Oh, isn't it romantic?

Ta-da-da-da-da-da

Ta-da!

Just goes to show love can strike anywhere, anytime.

It doesn't ask your name.

It doesn't ask your age. It asks only--

How big are your bazongas?

I should have known

the beauty of this moment was lost on you.

Haven't you realized yet there is a great difference

between the Coach's affaire de coeur

and your animal cravings?

Tap your cloven hoof twice for yes.

Coach, isn't it your night off tonight?

Yeah, it's my night off.

Irene's coming in, and I'm taking her up to Melville's for dinner.

Oh, ooh, better dig deep, Coach.

It's pretty expensive up north there.

Oh, I've been saving for a couple of weeks, Cliff. This is a very special evening.

I think it's wonderful you two found each other.

- You radiate such bliss. - You want to know why, dear?

It's because we've got so much in common.

We both love music, we both love Italian food.

She's a widow, I'm a widower.

She's a hairdresser, I got hair.

And get this, Diane, neither of us have ever been to Utah.

Oh, scary.

Hey Norm, you know what the back of my neck looks like normally. Check now.

Ooh, every hair at attention. Except for that one. Snap to, mister! Hee-ya!

I realize I've only known her for three weeks,

but this is the night. I'm going to ask her to marry me.

- Oh, Coach. - You're kidding me.

- Fantastic. - That's great.

Come here, you little devil. Listen, you've been single for a long time.

- Are you sure about this? - Sure I'm sure, Sam.

You know something, Sam? I think even my Angela would have liked this lady.

- Don't you? - Yeah, I think she would have.

I figured why put it off, you know? We're both not kids anymore.

The thing is, I don't quite know how to ask her, but anybody got any suggestions?

The only proposal I ever heard was Nick's.

Well, it worked, honey. I mean, what did he say?

"Hey, Carla, I knocked you up and you know where I live, so I guess I have to."

Not bad.

- Now, moving on to the higher primates... - Hey, hey, hey!

Normie, Normie, how did you propose to Vera?

Well, I...

You know something? I don't think I did.

You think there could be a loophole in this terrible tragedy?

Not if you consummated it.

Egad, why couldn't we have had this conversation yesterday?

Well, now, I've written down a few ideas,

and I guess they're going to have to do the trick. But, Normie, should I ask her before we order?

Because I don't want to ask her

with something sticking in my teeth, especially if it's green.

Yeah. Why don't you just play it safe and drape a napkin over your head?

Not bad.

Hi, Ernie.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Are you ready for the best dinner of your life?

Ernie, every dinner I have with you is better than the one before it.

Aw...

- Oh, no, no, no, no. - What's the matter?

This is Wednesday. Every Wednesday up at Melville's, the vegetable is spinach.

Spinach is green, and you know what that means, right?

So please sit down. I've got a couple of questions.

What I want to say is--

Oh, wait a minute.

There we go. I got it.

Irene...

I'm not a rich man.

I'm not a young man.

I'm not a handsome man. I'm not a tall man.

I'm not a strong man. I'm not a talented man.

I'm not a well-traveled man. I'm not a smart man.

I'm not a milkman.

I'm not a fat man. I'm not a gingerbread man.

- I'm not a-- - What're you trying to say, Ernie?

Oh, I don't need a piece of paper to tell you what my feelings are.

Irene...

Well, maybe I do.

Uh...

Irene, I'm not a rich man.

- I'm not a young man. - Coach...

Oh. Yeah.

Look, Irene, what I'm trying to say

is that I love you and I want you to marry me,

- but I can't find the words to say it. - Ernie, you said all the words you need to.

I'd love to be your wife.

She said yes!

Well, I guess this seems to be the time for the bartender to pour some champagne here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sam. What am I thinking?

No, no, Coach, Coach.

I've got it.

There have been many celebrations in this bar,

but none as joyous and as inspiring

as what we are experiencing here.

Wasn't it Swinbourne who first said--

- I'll get it. - I'll get it.

I'm the bartender.

Cheers.

Oh, well, hello, Sue. Irene, it's your daughter.

Well, this is a surprise, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, I've been expecting this phone call for a long time. Okay, commence begging.

Sam. Sam Malone.

Yeah, she's here. She wants to talk to you.

Sam, you seem to be working awfully hard to get a date with a woman who

obviously wouldn't cross the street to spit in your hair.

Don't worry, don't worry.

She will when she gets to know me.

What's wrong, sweetheart?

- I just... - What?

I can't believe it.

Ernie, I won the lottery. Two million dollars.

Oh, my God. Two million bucks.

- I think I'm a little woozy. - Oh, take it easy.

Sam, get some brandy.

Yeah, make it the good stuff. She can afford it.

Look, look, Irene, whatever you do,

don't tell me that was the only lottery ticket you ever bought, even if it was.

- It's a deal. - I knew it. Sam!

I think we all ought to have a little drink to celebrate, huh?

- I'm buying. - I thought of that too.

I can't believe it. I'm stinking rich.

Listen, I'd better go up and tell Vic we're going to be a little late, huh?

Oh, boy, what a night.

Oh, my goodness. Gee, how about that, Irene?

What a night for you, huh?

Magic. Two such wonderful developments in a matter of minutes.

Yes, I won the lottery. And...

What was the other thing?