Original subtitles

"...and his eyes had all the seeming of the demons

that is dreaming.

And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor.

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor,

shall be lifted... never more."

Oh, boy, Doc, you tell great stories.

That was Poe.

Don't be modest. It was great.

So, who's next to chill us with a scary story, huh?

Well, I think I have a chilling tale.

Yeah, but it's cute when you wiggle it.

I'm sorry.

I got the greatest ghost story ever told.

Now, it seems that Casper got caught

in this huge laundry basket full of sheets--

Don't finish it, Coach.

Some of us want to be able to sleep tonight.

Yeah, you're right, Carla.

It's best that I live with it myself.

My God, what a horrible sight.

Speaking of horrible sights, Coach, take a look at...

- this! - Ahh!

Two vodka, rocks with a twist.

Well, Frasier...

didn't I tell you that Halloween at Cheers would be fun?

Yes, but I won't hold it against you.

Listen, I was able to get those two tickets

to the Boston Pops tomorrow night.

Oh, wonderful!

Oh, you guys are going' to the Boston Pops, huh?

Ooh, I'm jealous.

You sound like a fan, Sam.

Oh, yeah.

Actually, the Boston Pops was the one cultural event,

albeit heavily sugarcoated,

that Sam genuinely liked.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I especially like the, uh, "18-somethingth Overture."

1812.

Hey, you really know your stuff.

Yeah.

You know, till Diane dragged me to that concert,

I never realized just how many years of practice and dedication

it takes to become a classical musician.

Well, anyone in particular impress you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The, uh, guy on the cannons.

He's incredible.

You know...

I mean, I actually thought about taking it up myself,

but I think it's one of those things

that you have to...

you have to start when you're very, very young.

Yes.

They say to be truly great, you do, yes.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

You know, sometimes I think

that Sam is actually pretending to be less intelligent

than he really is.

But how intelligent would someone have to be

to successfully pretend to be that dumb?

Boy, I'm not even sure that I could pull it off.

Oh, yes you could.

Ew, yuck!

I'm sorry, Carla, if we offended you

with our public display of affection,

but try to understand.

Frasier Crane has the same effect on me that cheap Chianti

and dice hanging from a rear view mirror have on you.

Boy, you got it bad.

Hello, everyone, and a happy All Hallows' Eve.

Guess who I am.

Cliff Clavin.

No, Coach, let me give you a hint.

I went to Florida to find the Fountain of Youth.

Cliff Clavin.

Oh, Coach, I'm Ponce de León.

Well, I think your ears are too big.

Oh, for Ponce de León?

No, for you, Cliff ie.

Oh, I don't know, Coach.

I happen to be very proud of my big ears.

I mean a lot of women consider them erogenous zones

during heavy petting.

Are you kidding?

You never had a date in your life.

Yeah, and that's only because he's never had the guts to ask a girl out.

Guts-- it's got nothing' to do with guts.

It's just that the type of woman you find up here

in the northeastern seaboard bore me.

See, I prefer your southern belles.

You know, the kind of women you find down there in Florida.

Oh no, he's going to go on about Florida again.

Oh, hey, hey, hey,

suffice it to say when I was down there, I was covered with women.

Sure they weren't mosquitoes?

Yeah, thank you, Bob Hopeless.

I think I'll just go in the back and scope out the dollies.

Why don't you guys lighten up on Cliff, huh?

Yeah, sorry, Sam, but you gotta admit

it's a little bit weird, isn't it?

I mean, he's never been married.

I've never even seen him with a woman.

Hey, Norm-- Norm, he's your best friend.

Is he gay or what?

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

You can't tell a gay guy by his appearance.

We had an outfielder on the Red Sox, Duke Roberts.

I mean, he never got married, he never went with girls,

he even wore those fancy Italian shoes.

And he lived with a guy who was a florist.

And Duke wasn't gay.

Yes, he was, Coach.

He... he was?

You think he'd like to meet Cliff ie?

Oh, come on.

Come on, guys.

Cliff is not gay, all right?

He's just shy around women,

to the point of being a blithering idiot.

Diane, that was a colleague of mine on the phone, a Reichian analyst.

He's taken ill.

He wants me to take his place tomorrow

at an all-day seminar on multiple personality

at the University of Chicago,

so I've gotta go home and pack.

We won't be able to go to the concert.

Well, I won't, but you can still go.

Listen, uh, take along a friend and, well, Sam indicated some interest.

Sam?

I think I could find more stimulating company

for the concert.

I wouldn't have to look any farther than the nearest petri dish.

But, once again, I am startled by how far you are

above petty emotion like jealousy.

Well, I just figured it was time

Sam learned to appreciate instruments without fuses.

Goodbye, my tiny Alice.

Mmm, goodbye, my mad Mad Hatter.

Well, there are many theories

as to why the Florida orange is far superior

to its California counterpart.

Now I personally think it's the trace mineral element

in the Floridian water.

That's obviously due to the frequency of the typhoons

and the nitrogen-rich alligator guano.

- Now, furthermore, there's three point... - Say...

I just remembered I left my oven on.

If I hurry home, I can stick my head in it.

Florida oranges are delicious.

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Have you, uh, been to Florida?

No, but it's always been a crazy dream of mine to go.

I read that they have

the world's largest pair of alligator shoes there.

That's right! In Orlando!

I even sat in one of them.

Yeah. Yeah.

What's your name?

Tinker Bell. What's yours?

Me? Uh, I guess it's Ponce de León.

Oh, the Fountain of Youth guy that discovered Florida.

Would you marry me and bear my children?

Say, would you like to go in the back

and maybe play some pool?

Or as they say in Tallahassee, shoot some pocket billiards?

Oh, I'd love to, Mr. León.

Oh, please, call me Ponce.

It looks like you're out to conquer new territory, Ponce.

Holy God!

Oh, did anyone ever tell you you dance divinely, Ponce?

Well, yeah, someone did mention it to me the other day.

See, was that Cortés or Pizarro?

Sam, I'm ready to go. Would you hand me my purse.

I'll put a new tune on the jukebox.

I'm not using a pair of tickets tomorrow for the Boston Pops...

And you're welcome to have them if you're interested.

Uh, no, no, no thank you.

Oh, you'll enjoy it!

The program is an evening filled with fireworks

and laser beams,

occasionally interrupted with the music of Gershwin.

Ah, oh, boy,

I just can't think of who I'd take.

Most of the women I date

don't like music they can't dance to.

Most of the women you date don't like music they can't shed clothing to.

How come you don't wanna go?

Oh, I do.

But Frasier's out of town,

and I can't think of anyone I'd like to go with.

I guess, uh, Frasier would feel uncomfortable

if you and I went, huh?

No, actually, he suggested it.

Well, so, you'd be uncomfortable, huh?

Not at all.

While you still harbor tortured longings for me...

the emotions are so completely unreciprocated

I don't see why we shouldn't go together.

Then it's a date.

Um, no, not a date.

I mean, not a "date" date.

Well, it's, uh...

what would you call an evening out with a woman

when you have absolutely no hope

of physical involvement whatsoever?

A first.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I guess it's time

I be heading back to Never-Never Land.

Uh, let me walk you back to your car--

Oh, no, no, that's okay. It's right outside here.

But I just want to know, oh...

when we're going to see each other again.

Actually, we haven't seen each other at all yet.

Oh, I know!

Let's meet tomorrow night right here on this very spot as ourselves,

- at 8:00. - Okay.

And... and...

don't you be a minute late.

Nice enough young person, huh, Sam?

Way to go, Cliff ie!

What do you mean, "Way to go, Cliff ie"?

You know, if I didn't know you,

I'd say that you were pretty smooth tonight.

Oh, Sam, I think I resent that a little bit.

Well, that's okay.

You probably just think you know me a lot better

than you really do, huh?

No, Sam, tonight wasn't really all that unusual for me.

Come on, Cliff.

No, really, Sam, it was commonplace, really.

Cliff...

What?

Okay, three, two, one--

Hooray! I got a date!

- Thank you, Sam. - Yeah, yeah.

Well, here we are.

Yeah, thank you for the ride home, and...

and thank you very much for the concert.

Boy, I tell you, that, that Gershwin's a genius.

Yeah, the mark of a great composer--

When the audience leaves humming your fireworks.

I had a great time.

Me, too.

I haven't had such a good time since, um...

That's okay.

I know when you stopped having good times, Diane.

It goes without saying

that I would have had a better time

if I had gone with Frasier.

Me, too.

Thanks for a lovely evening.

By the way...

How did you like our first outing

with no promise or threat of sexual encounter?

You're not out that door yet.

Good evening, everybody.

Yeah, hey, uh...

can I have a beer, please, Coach?

Hey, this one's on me, Coach.

- Oh, thanks, Norm. - Yeah.

- Cliff ie... - Thank you, Norm

Ah, yeah...

Well...

Well, what?

Well, last I saw, you were dancing together.

Yeah, so?

So... you know.

No, Norm, I don't know.

He wants to know if you boinked her, you dink.

Oh, good God, Norm.

Now look, don't you know that psychologists believe

that one night of meaningless pleasure

can just get in the way of any kind of long term commitment?

Is that true, Sam?

I rely on it.

She's meeting me here tonight at eight o'clock.

Eight o'clock.

Cliff, I don't believe this.

You're meeting a woman in 15 minutes.

I don't believe how calm you are.

Oh, hey, come on, Norm,

don't tell me that you, too,

subscribe to that myth about my discomfiture with women.

Cliff ie, I was here one night a woman asked you what time it was.

You swallowed the lower half of your face.

Well, Norm, obviously you know nothing about body language.

That gesture is replete with erotic message.

To a baboon, maybe.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

I... I admit that in the past

I've been a little shy around women,

but you know,

I've been thinking' about it

and I don't think there's been any real reason

for my, uh, you know, insecurities.

As a matter of fact, watch this.

Sam?

Lighter.

May I?

Thank you.

Uh, you're very wel...

I mean, you're welco-- ome.

You're wel...

You're very extremely...

I think he's too damn smooth for his own good.

No, no, no.

I'm such a wimp. I'm such a wuss.

I'm such a weenie.

God, am I a dink!

Cliff, I know you're nervous about meeting a girl,

but this one's different.

You know her already. You danced with her all night long.

I didn't dance with her, Norm. Ponce de León danced with her.

No, you danced with her.

No, it wasn't me. I was just playing a role.

Tonight I'm me. A middle aged, tongue-tied yutz.

All right, Cliff.

I want you to listen to me for a minute.

There's been a lot of talk about you in this bar recently,

and the one who always winds up defending you is me.

I don't mind.

That's what best friends are for.

But it's almost 8:00, Cliff ie,

and the one woman in the world weird enough for you to have a shot at

may be standing right outside that door.

You blow this, I don't even wanna look at you.

Ah, stop it, will you, Norm?

Knock it off.

Norm!

Normie!

Okay, I'll go out there.

Thanks.

I love you, big guy!

Give her a try first.

If it, uh, doesn't work out,

we can talk.

Come on, Cliff ie, if she comes downstairs now

and sees you standing there,

she's going to know you've been there for six hours.

I mean, that looks pretty... pretty desperate.

Yeah, so?

That's the way it is, isn't it?

I mean, this is what love comes to.

I want to remember this, Sammy.

Somebody take my picture.

Come on, Cliff, come on.

Come on, it's on me.

Sit down.

I guess you're right.

No more illusions about happiness for me.

I'm just going to sit right here and drink myself into oblivion.

No, you're not.

You'll just have two problems that way.

Aw, why'd she stand me up?

Well, that does it.

From now on, I'm going to let my grooming and appearance

go right to hell.

And you think the results will be noticeable?

Thank you, Carla.

I want abuse piled on me tonight.

Maybe I'll get it through my thick head that I'm nothing but a loser.

You know what my nickname was in high school?

No, you never told us.

That's 'cause I didn't have one, Coach.

I tried to get one started.

You know, made it up myself.

Courteous Cliff.

Courteous Cliff?

As long as you were making it up yourself,

couldn't you have done a little better?

Eh, I didn't want to arouse suspicion, Normie.

Ah, you know, I hear there's a tribe of men in the Middle East

called the, uh, Essenites.

They-- they're entirely celibate.

They live without women,

and rumor has it that they are the happiest men in the world.

Tomorrow I'm going to send for their brochure.

Hello, Cheers.

No, there's no Ponce de León here!

We don't have Prince Albert in the can!

Why don't you do your homework and go to bed--

Coach! Coach!

Coach, uh, I think that might be for me.

Hello?

Yeah, this...

Really?

No, I understand.

Yeah, I-- I understand.

Okay.

All right.

Bye.

Isn't that something'?

She was afraid to meet me without her mask on.

I actually made a woman nervous.

That's incredible, isn't it?

So, you two going to get together?

Yeah, she's, uh, at a pay phone across the street.

She said she's coming right over.

All right.

Way to go, Cliff ie, yeah?

Well, let's not stand here.

We'll be up here.

Yeah.

Come here. Okay.

- Thank you, Coach. - Now, Cliff,

we don't want to have to eavesdrop,

so keep your stupid remarks loud.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Club Clufford.

Sorry.

I'm Cliff Clavin.

I'm Harry O'Share.

Sharon Hair...

I mean, I'm Sharon O'Hare.