Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

What can I say, Eddie? I'm sorry.

I just remembered this isn't my night off after all.

We're going to have to cut this lovely evening short.

Gee, I wish you would've said something sooner.

Well, I mentioned it over dinner. You just didn't hear me over the oompah-pah band

and the noise that you make when you chew bratwurst.

But, Carla, I've been looking forward to this date for a long time.

These tickets to the RV show weren't easy to get.

Please, Eddie, I'm torn up enough.

- Coach. - What?

You like RVs, mobile homes, that kind of stuff?

- Well, I don't know that much about them, Carla. - Would you like to learn?

Well, I was meaning to.

Coach... meet Eddie.

- Eddie, Coach. - Hi, Eddie.

He's got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?

- Terrific. - Well, go ahead. I'll cover for you.

Hot dog!

Oh, some luck, huh, Eddie?

Well, I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.

You might if you're nice to him.

Boy, I can't wait to get there.

Eddie, do they actually let you walk through those things?

Yeah, but you've got to take your shoes off.

Oh, okay.

- Not now. - Oh.

Jerk.

Yeah?

For once it's not you.

Mr. Fancy Bottom over there

feels his martini isn't dry enough.

Oh, well, do you want me to kill him for you, Diane?

It's too good for him.

Hey, come on, lighten up, here.

This is a bar, you know.

People come here to have a good time.

Yeah, and don't you just hate them for it?

- What's wrong, honey? - I'm having a bad day.

Am I allowed to have a bad day?

Sure. You've given us plenty. Keep one for yourself.

I hope you'll find that to your satisfaction.

We here at Cheers

aspire to make every customer a happy customer.

It's still not dry enough.

Drink it!

Uh... Excuse me, folks.

She gets a little upset, still, ever since I dumped her. Um...

Let me handle this for you. Coach, make this gentleman

the driest martini in town, will you? On the house.

- Right. - Please, forgive her.

She's a hotheaded little firebrand.

Half my day is spent apologizing to nice customers like you.

Carla, I'm in no mood.

Now, now, we're talking about someone else, dear.

One vodka, rocks.

Hey, hey, is there anything I can do?

No... this problem

is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane.

Suffice it to say,

he insists on making mountains out of molehills.

He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Go mate with a squid.

Please, forgive her again.

She spent time in an institution recently.

- Hey, good afternoon, everybody. - Hey, Cliff ie.

Boy, can you believe the way those Sox are playing?

Ah, boy, I really miss those carefree, halcyon days when my only concern

was a group of young lads playing baseball.

Cliff ie, you got something on your mind?

The shocking truth is today, I saw a fellow postal employee

remove a fragrance sample from a magazine.

So?

So, Sammy, that's in direct violation of postal employee regulations.

It's a smudge on the honor of every mail carrier who

ever donned this uniform.

- So? - So?

Sam, look, on one hand, I don't want to be a snitch,

but on the other, I can't endorse anarchy.

- What should I do? - Compromise. Have a beer.

- Yeah. - There you go, there you go.

Oh, well, I see I should look elsewhere

for help on this, huh? Diane?

I've got a little problem, here.

Who doesn't?

Valid...

Valid. Well, I guess my choice is clear.

I must follow my conscience and report this.

Oh, come on, man, a fragrance sample. Let it go.

Let it go, Sammy?

I let this go, and tomorrow, Hitler is in the White House.

I can do without that.

Yeah, sure, it's only a perfume sample,

but if the other employees see him getting away with this,

they're going to start taking things too. First,

whole magazines go missing. Then social security checks.

Before you know it,

Grandma's fruitcake

doesn't make it to little Bobby, Peggy and Sue,

and their little hearts will be broken,

thinking Grandma forgot them this year.

What are those little green things in a fruitcake, Cliff, that...

They look like... parts of tires.

Coach, I think you're getting a little off the point here.

No, you brought it up, Cliff ie.

Who is this menace to society, anyway, huh?

Well, do you remember Lewis,

that fellow I brought in here before?

Enormous black gentleman?

- That's the one. - Whoa, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff, come on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, come on.

I'd think twice before crossing Lewis. It could be dangerous.

I mean, he's not exactly the kind of guy who drinks tea with his pinkie sticking out.

Please, Sam, there are ladies present.

- I'm sorry, Coach. - Thank you.

Yeah, well,

I guess the bottom line is that it'd be snitching,

and I just like to think I'm a little above that.

- Absolutely. - There you go.

What is that, Carla?

You're announcing the birth of yet another child, or...

Or are you implying something here?

You'd rat on a little guy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm going to rat on this guy too.

Come on, Cliff, don't let Carla goad you into this.

No, Sammy, as long as I wear this uniform,

I have a duty to fulfill.

I'll speak my truth and take the consequences.

- Yeah, supervisor, please. - Hey, come on, Cliff.

Hey, I don't care the risk I'm taking.

The voice of Clifford Clavin

is going to be heard loud and clear.

Hello. Hang on to your yocks trap.

I have a terrible thing to report.

- Well, good night, everybody. - Good night, Cliff ie.

Hey, Cliff,

you... you want to spend the night in my office?

Oh, Sammy, you... you still think I'm afraid, don't you?

Oh, yumping yiminy, no.

Yeah. That Swedish accent,

that was just for the amusement of the bar.

A-ha.

Hey, I don't care if Lewis finds out it was me.

In fact if I ever see the guy again,

I'll tell him it was me and just clear the air.

You're the man I'm looking for.

I've been fired.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, God, I'm terribly sorry.

Hey, you're taking this worse than I am.

I just want to find out who did it.

Did what?

Someone made an anonymous phone call

to the supervisor and squealed on me

for taking a perfume sample out of a magazine.

Oh.

Oh, he fired you for that?

What kind of a chicken outfit do we work for?

Hey.

Hey, Lewis, you... you smell divine. What's that you're wearing?

Oh, Giorgio for Men.

Hey, who could blame you for taking it? It's perfect for you.

- Well, sorry I can't help you out there, Lewis. - Hey, you can.

You know how you're always sticking your nose

in other people's business down at the post office?

Well, I...

- Come on, you're nosy. - That's me.

Well, I want to find out who did it, and I want to find out tomorrow.

- Okay, you've got it, pal. - Be here at 7, and don't be late.

Okay, well, you just be here at 7, and don't be late,

- because I'll have that information. - I know you will.

Yeah.

Uh, Lewis. Thanks for thinking of me.

Tomorrow, I die.

Come on, come on, now.

Oh, the guy is going to beat the living hell out of me.

Well... It's no use saying I don't deserve it, though, huh?

- Nobody did. - Yeah, thanks, Carla.

- Coach, let's go home. - Yeah.

Carla, can I play my French language tapes

on the way home, please?

No. We hear them every night, and I'm sick of it. Besides, they're not doing any good.

- Oh, yes, they are. - Oh, yeah?

Say "How are you today?" in French.

How are you today in French.

- I rest my case. -I rest my case.

- Knock it off. - Knock it off.

Oh, Frasier.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi, Frasier.

Uh, Diane left about 15 minutes ago.

Oh, darn. I guess I'll have to go over to her house to shoot the breeze.

Uh, Diane is more like a monsoon.

Yes, her breeze is like a monsoon.

Good night.

Ahem!

Want to come in and have a beer?

Well, I... I wouldn't want to impose.

Okay, good night.

This is fun.

I guess I've got a little time for some barroom chatter.

Might even do the old boy some good.

- Maybe. - Well, I'll have a tankard of your finest lager.

Well...

I understand the local Boston Red Sox baseball franchise

has a Herculean task of it to qualify for the post-season tournament.

Yeah, they really stink this year.

Stink? Hmm, interesting theory.

You know, while we're on the subject of Boston

and the world and all of its people,

I... I have this patient.

Let's call him...

Oh, give him any old name. Thor.

And...

for the first time in my career as a psychiatrist,

I don't know how to deal with his problem,

but, you know, it occurs to me that you might.

You want my opinion on one of your patients?

Sam, believe it or not,

psychiatrists do value input from outside the profession.

I'd like the benefit of your experience.

Now, you know women.

I mean, your sexual exploits

could be thought of as a majestic, panoramic mural.

And Thor's?

A silly little doodle.

Well, yeah. I mean, what the hell.

What's his, uh... What's his problem?

Well,

Thor's girlfriend--

let's call her Electra...

...cried out another man's name during the act of love.

Oh, Thor, ouch.

Precisely.

So, Sam, tell me.

You've been with a lot of women, I mean...

when you were with one of them,

did she ever call out another man's name?

Well, I don't think so, but then, who listens?

I mean...

...usually, I've got the stereo turned up and other things on my mind.

Tell me...

whose name did Electra call out?

An old boyfriend's.

Oh, double ouch.

Yes.

And although they've decided that it means absolutely nothing,

which it doesn't,

Thor doesn't seem to be able to get over it.

So tell me, Sam,

I mean, if Thor came to you,

what would you tell him?

I'd tell him the truth, that it happens all the time.

Really, Sam?

Yeah, really. I mean, it happens to all guys.

As a matter of fact,

I think I just remembered it's happened to me before,

lots of times.

I think I turned the stereo up in the first place because of that.

Really?

Well, thank you, Sam.

I'll pass that along to...

- Thor. - Right. Right.

Well, it's getting late.

Uh, thanks for the cold one, Sam.

You're welcome, Frasier.

The beer, I mean, not Diane.

You know, two sips of liquor, and I'm a jack-a-ninny.

Gee, Cliff, Lewis'll be here any minute.

Yeah, what's your plan?

Plan?

I have no plan,

not unless honesty, sincerity, and straightforwardness are a plan.

No, I meant your medical plan.

Hey, your humor's falling on deaf ears, Carla.

Oh, good, then you won't miss them when Lewis rips them off your head.

Sam.

Oh, Sam?

Barkeep.

Oh, I'm sorry, Diane.

Do you... want me?

Actually, I want two Becks.

Guess I didn't hear you calling out my name.

Is there something amusing you that I don't know about?

No, no, why do you ask?

Oh, that stupid look on your face.

Hey, come on, do I need a reason to look stupid?

You have the best reason of all.

Okay, Clavin, you know why I'm here.

Who is it?

Lewis,

I've written the man's name on a piece of paper in this envelope...

Well, good.

But before you look at it, Lewis,

let me tell you a little something about him.

Hey, what is this? The Dating Game?

Lewis, the man whose name is in this envelope

bears no animosity towards you or any living thing.

He's a man who loves his country,

and what he did was out of a sense of duty

towards America, God and... and all that we cherish.

Uh, one other thing, Lewis.

The man who did this is terribly, terribly sorry.

Please forgive him.

Well, uh... okay.

I've got another job anyway.

Besides, if I were to see that name,

I'd get so angry, I might do something stupid.

Oh, go on, open it.

Lewis, I can't tell you how proud I am

to see how you overcame your need for vengeance.

Hey, and tell that fellow

he's real lucky he's still in one piece.

He knows it, Lewis.

You'd better.

Hey, Cliff ie.

Cliff ie, you really showed me something there.

Yeah, that was more than just stupidity.

I think there was a trace of bravery in there.

Yeah, way to go.

Really the way to go, Cliff.

Oh, well, thanks, guys.

All right, who's Juan Torrez?

Hey, there must be some mistake, Carla.

No, no mistake.

There's a map to his house here.

Well... all right,

look, I know he wasn't going to look in the thing,

and besides, he knows it was me, huh?

So, what's the big deal?

Lewis'd never hit him.

Juan's in a body cast.

Fell out of a window a couple of weeks ago.

What?

What "what"?

Don't be coy.

It doesn't go with the sloping forehead.

Did I tell you your boyfriend stopped by the other night?

What's his name?

You know very well it's Frasier.

Frasier, right.

Damn it. Boy, that's an easy name to forget.

How you two doing, anyway, huh?

Fine. ls there something on your mind?

No. Why do you ask?

When there's a spot on an empty canvas,

it tends to stand out.

No, no, listen, if I had something to say,

I'd say it.

I'd even yell it out...

passionately.

What exactly did you and Frasier talk about?

Oh, come on, Diane, let's drop this whole thing.

I mean, it's going nowhere.

I know we both have much more important work to get back to.

I know I'm running a little behind.

I hate it when you're smug.

It means you think you have something on me,

and I emphasize "think."

Oh, I'm not thinking here, Diane.

No, but this is as close as you get.

Come on, why don't you stop this silly little game

and admit that you're still crazy about me?

You're the one who always brings it up.

If anybody's crazy about anybody, you're crazy about me.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not saying "Sam" when I'm in bed with Frasier.

I'll kill him!

I'll kill you!

Then I'll kill myself.

Oh, now, come on. You're overreacting.

I mean, there's no need to kill me.

Hello.

Hello, your buttocks! Get in here!

Diane, you seem agitated.

I don't know which of you

I hate the most.

Hey, that's not bad, Frasier.

Only two months, and you're tied with me.

How could you tell him?

Why did you tell him?

I didn't tell him. He must have deduced it.

Oh, please.

Hey, come on, I'm good at "deducement."

How could you betray my confidence?

Now, you didn't say "no telling."

Oh, I see, I see.

Obviously, I made the mistake of treating you as an adult.

Why would you tell him anything to begin with?

I was hoping for some insight.

Insight?

From a man whose idea of intellectual stimulation

is to count along with Big Bird?

Do you know that in his arrogance,

he thought that when I called out "Sam,"

I was referring to him?

And you weren't?

No.

It was a different Sam entirely.

It was... Sam Goldwyn.

His movies always gave me great pleasure.

Diane, Sam, please, let's not go on this way.

I mean, now that this thing is out in the open,

let's at least face it honestly and admit the truth.

What are you talking about?

There's still a spark between you two.

I think it's best that I just step aside

and allow it to either ignite or extinguish itself.

Frasier, look into my eyes.

You are the man in my life.

There is no longer anything between Sam and I,

and you'll see the same thing when you look into his eyes.

Uh, can't I just tell him?

Do it, Sam.

Frasier, there-- there's nothing going on between us.

I mean, it's all over between me and Diane.

I believe you.

Oh, Frasier, thank God.

How could you have doubted me for a moment?

I don't know, I really haven't been myself

these last few days.

Well, listen, what do you say we take a weekend off?

You know, and go someplace together?

Yes, let's.

Oh, well, I-- I'd better go.

I'm late for my marital relations group,

and thanks.

Look, I'd like to apologize

to both of you for flying off the handle.

It just goes to show you that even psychiatrists get the blues.

Diane, see you later.

Oh, and, Sam?

Yeah.

Go, Red Sox.

What actors we are, Sam.

Huh?

I'm amazed we could pull that off.

Pull what off?

Fooling a man so versed in human behavior.

There is a spark, isn't there, Sam?

Well, uh... gee.

I don't think it would take much encouragement

to... turn it into an inferno?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, yeah, maybe-- maybe you're right.

Sam, let's stop stopping ourselves.

Let's let it happen.

Happen...

Happen, yeah.

Oh...

Oh, Diane...

Frasier.

Oh, yeah?

Well...