Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

That's it, folks. Closing it up.

Night, Coach. See you later, Coach.

Night. Good night, guys.

So, Normie, what do you say,

you want to stop off and get a bite to eat?

Come on, Cliff ie, I have a wife to go home to.

Oh, that's all right. We could stop by and pick her up.

You know, I haven't met her yet.

Nah, I don't think so. Not tonight.

Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Who are you ashamed of, me or her?

A little of both, I guess.

Hey, everybody, I'm back.

Last week on Cheers, yours truly, Cliff Clavin,

postman extraordinaire and happy wanderer,

returned from a vacation

in the paradoxical state of Florida.

It was an invigorating and magnificent experience.

I'd like to tell you all about it,

but certain parties insist I fill you in

on the rest of the story,

so Diane and Sam, as you may know,

had a little falling-by-the-wayside.

After they went their separate ways,

Sam went back to his old ones.

I didn't happen to get the license of the wagon Sam fell off of,

but back to the bottle he went.

Diane, on her side, went what we euphemistically call...

And spent a little time in a hospital in the country.

After she got out,

Coach talked her into coming into Cheers

to try and talk some sense into Sam.

She talked him to seeing a psychiatrist of her acquaintance.

Sam agreed, not knowing that said shrink and said Diane

were dating steadily, and rumor has it, heavily.

Sam, in fact, is laboring under the misconception

that Diane still carries a torch for him,

and Diane, naturally, thinks

that Sam is the torchbearer in this situation.

You know something?

I think I may have the wrong batch of slides here.

These are my snaps of FLA.

Ah, well, you all know what Sam and Diane look like,

but a lot of you poor old pasty wretches

have never seen the old Sunshine state.

What we're looking at here is--

Hey! All right, who pulled the plug?

Oh, very funny, wise guy. Come on.

You're a failure in everything you've ever tried to do,

and you're gutless, because you won't admit you're a failure.

You've hurt your friends. You've hurt everyone

who's ever tried to reach out to you. You make me sick!

Sam, tell me what's on your mind.

I'm wondering how much this is going to cost me.

You're thinking of money.

Yeah, I hope it's not going to be a lot,

because the truth is,

I get Diane to come in here and do this for free.

She used to abuse me for free all the time.

Well, it wasn't exactly free.

I had to sleep with her.

You know, Sam, beneath your flippancy,

I sense a lot of hostility towards Diane,

and towards myself.

Look, I haven't had a drink in ten days.

I know I've got a problem, but I'm going to AA,

and I really think I'm going to be okay.

No, you're better than okay, Sam.

You're abundantly human.

Didn't you just say I made you sick a minute ago?

I was confronting you, Sam.

Forget about a minute ago.

I am now telling you that you're abundantly human.

Well, great, great, because

I really think I'm going to be able to handle this now.

I don't.

Hey, I'm abundantly human, remember?

Sam, don't you see what I'm doing here?

I'm putting you on an emotional pendulum.

Oh, I-- I don't want to be on an emotional anything.

I just want to quit.

- Uh-oh. - What?

This is very distressing.

I hear Sam the failure talking.

You said I was abundantly human, twice.

An abundantly human person is not resistant to change.

I want to quit. That's a change.

Sam, you're becoming compulsive on this point.

I think we should double our sessions.

Double? Oh, come on, Frasier.

I'm going to be okay, really.

Well, your progress has been remarkable.

Good, good.

Let's quit before you change your mind.

Sam! There's that word "quit" again!

Do you realize that you keep saying it?

Could you stop saying it if you wanted to?

Frasier?

Sam, I know a quiet, peaceful little place

in the country.

I could get you in for the weekend.

Lovely grounds, nice food, dress is casual.

In fact, your tie and belt will be confiscated.

Frasier, I'm not going to a hospital.

I am not going to have any more sessions.

We're through. That's it. Now, get the hell out of here!

Sam! We did it!

Did what?

You're a whole person, Sam.

Really, I mean that.

- I am? - You stood up to me and took control.

You're no longer a man who needs to run away from his problems,

who needs to drink,

needs to spend his weekends at a hospital in the sticks

bombed on Thorazine.

Goodbye, Sam. Be well.

Oh, Frasier, wait a minute.

Sam, Sam, you must break this attachment.

Swim, Sam, swim.

No, no, Frasier, no,

I just want you to tell me

what you think put Diane in a ha-ha house.

Well, I'm not her doctor, and even if I were,

I couldn't discuss it with you.

Ah, it doesn't matter.

I know she went nuts because I kicked her out of here.

And by the way, Sam,

I don't think you should use the word "nuts"

when discussing Diane.

Well, you've met her.

Give me a better one.

Bonkers.

You see, you don't need alcohol to have fun.

In my profession,

there's no such thing as a closed door.

That explains how Diane got out.

You know, as long as you hang on

to that wonderful sense of humor,

I don't think you can ever go completely astray.

Goodbye, everybody.

So long, Doc.

Hey, Frasier.

Say hello to all your loons for me.

Carla, why do you keep building walls

between yourself and everyone else?

Have you taken a good look at everyone else?

Touché.

Here's to Sammy.

Ten days without the slow death of demon alcohol.

No, no. Come on, you guys, don't toast me for that.

I tell you, getting back on the bottle was the stupidest thing I ever did.

I was reading in an article the other day,

alcohol actually eats huge holes in the tissue of your...

You know, some people like bartenders

who tell great stories and jokes.

Ah, no, give me a good temperance lecture anytime.

I'm sorry, you guys.

Yeah, well, I just thank God

I don't have an alcoholic personality.

You don't have a personality.

Carla, I'm going to resist the temptation

of hurling a rejoinder in your direction

primarily out of the respect I bear for members of your gender.

Please make sure that's all you bare for members of my gender.

Hello, everybody.

Coach, come here.

Coach, this is the moment I've been dreading.

Why, Sam?

Well, Diane's here,

and she's probably going to beg me to get back together again.

- I'm going to have to break her heart. - Oh, my God, that's terrible.

No, the terrible thing is I'm looking forward to it.

And then after being in the Everglades a couple of days,

the Seminole Indians found me and made me

an honorary mail carrier of their tribe.

Hi.

Hi. Sam, is Frasier here?

No, he just left. We finished our session.

- Oh. - He's making remarkable progress.

Well, it's you I want to talk to anyway.

Yeah, I know. I figured.

Well, you probably still remember

where the office is, right?

Oh, yes, I've seen it in my dreams.

Coach, I'm going to take a break here.

Hey, Coach,

who's "Miss God's Gift to the World"?

Gee, I didn't see the show this year, honey.

I think Miss Kansas won.

Strange to be here again.

Whoo!

Using a new cologne?

Oh, no, that's the roach bomb.

But, you know, hey, that's not a...

Yes, well... down to business.

Sam...

There's something I've been keeping from you

and I've got to tell you, and tell you now.

Well, there's something I need to say to you,

and I think I ought to go first.

No, no, I think maybe I should go first.

Maybe. I...

- I'm over you. - I'm over you.

- You're over me? - You're over me?

- Well, you don't think that I still-- - You don't think that I--

- Well, of course-- - You bet you--

- You thought that-- - You thought--

- Well, so did you! - So did you!

We keep doing it!

Coach, I think something we thought we'd seen the last of

is just about to resurface.

Yeah, my lunch.

Ah...

- Diane? - Mm?

Rest assured, I have no feelings left for you.

Nothing.

I assure you, I feel less than nothing for you.

Then there's nothing really left to say.

There is one other thing you should know.

It's quite important, really.

There's another man in my life and he's someone you know.

Really? Who?

Frasier and I have been lovers for several weeks.

Ew...

What do you mean, "ew"?

No, I'm sorry. I just got a little mental picture there.

It took me by surprise.

Well...

why didn't you say something sooner?

Well, Frasier didn't want to tell you

because he was afraid it would interfere with your therapy.

We had a terrible fight about it.

No, actually, we had a wonderful fight about it.

Frasier has taught me that fighting can be wonderful

if you lay out the ground rules, share your hurt,

and never lose respect

for the other person's abundant humanness.

Boy, you people with full lives.

- Well... - Well...

Wait a second here.

Guys, I think you ought to hear this.

Diane here's got herself a new fella.

It turns out

that she and Frasier Crane are lovers.

Ew.

What do you mean, "ew"?

I mean, "Ew two should be very happy together."

Sam, I thought you said she was still nuts about you.

Well, I was wrong, Coach, and I'm happy to be wrong.

Me too.

Well...

I guess this is goodbye.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Diane, what're you doing here?

I've been looking all over for you.

Oh, Frasier, I'm so glad you're here.

Ew!

Diane, you shared our happy secret

with Sam, didn't you?

Yes, and he took it wonderfully.

In fact, just to show you how wonderfully,

let me buy you a drink here.

Why, thanks, Sam.

I'll have a white wine spritzer.

Well, okay, I'll have one, too.

It's our drink.

You two meet in the bin, did you?

Yes...

and it isn't a bin.

Goldenbrook is a pastoral retreat.

Did you hold hands during the lobotomy?

Carla...

Diane, take a joke.

I love you.

Frasier is a consulting psychiatrist at Goldenbrook.

He wasn't my therapist.

How did you two get together?

I was playing croquet on the north lawn

one beautiful morning.

It's a game I learned during my stay there,

and I got quite good at it.

I saw you do that.

You are a naughty, naughty girl.

- It wasn't... - You are very naughty.

I saw you do it. Admit it. Come on, be a grown-up.

It was amazing to me

how I could just lose myself in the flow of the game.

Now I'm annoyed.

I found when I played with someone of equal ability,

it gave me an appreciation

for the nobler aspects of sport and competition.

What is this business?

No, I'm not going to play with you anymore.

Well, fine, then go to-- Oh! Oh!

Frazier happened by in the midst of this spirited contest

and he stopped to correct a flaw in my swing.

My opponent on that particular day

was as crafty a strategist as I.

We really brought out the best in each other.

Oh!

Oh, ladies...

Girls!

Ladies!

Frasier remained not only to watch my game,

but to good-naturedly arbitrate a close call for us.

I must admit that under the attentive gaze

of a distinguished doctor,

I lost some of my concentration on the game itself.

You shouldn't be allowed on the croquet lawn!

- Who's your doctor? - Who would have guessed

that a leisurely game of croquet

would provide me with such a trophy?

Indeed.

That's quite a story.

How is your romantic life going, Sam?

I'm dating a girl right now

that I think may just turn out

to be the woman I've been waiting for all my life.

- Sam... - Thank you.

Sam Malone.

You went out with my sister.

How did you think

that wasn't going to get back to me? Huh?

I have had just about as much as I can take from you.

As far as I'm concerned, you never existed.

Well, the search continues.

Swim, Sam, swim.

Great, great.

Now I've got to work

another Saturday night by myself.

Sam, you promised you weren't going to boink

any more waitresses in this joint

unless it was me.

Well, obviously, I'm going to have to find somebody to fill this job

who I can keep my hands off of.

You looking for work?

Thank you very much for the very attractive offer,

but I'm not interested.

Well, no, I understand.

I mean, how silly of me.

You couldn't possibly come back to work here.

What are you talking about?

Well, it's, well, it's interesting.

I mean, it doesn't bother me at all,

but obviously it creates kind of a problem for you.

Frasier, could we go now, please?

Of course, dear.

I guess this is goodbye for now, Sam, but remember,

there's no such thing as a former patient.

I think you'll find that once you've been a patient of mine,

I'm always there when you...

Oh, great!

I'll bet this is important.

Where's the phone?

In the hallway over there.

Why don't you have a seat here?

No, thank you.

I understand.

What do you understand?

Well, I assume that

what you said in the office there was the truth,

but obviously you're feeling some kind of sexual tension around me.

I guess sitting that close would be kind of rough on you.

The fact of the matter

is I don't want to work here

because I think I have a better lot in store

than a life of serving beer to squamulous laggards.

Please, Diane, the man's in the room.

When Frasier comes back,

will you tell him I'm waiting outside, please?

I understand, really.

Maybe it'd be safer to wait around the corner there.

I do give off this kind of aura.

- That's the roach bomb. - Ah!

Diane, Di--

Listen, Diane, please.

I have something to say to you, and it's straight from here.

What is it, Coach?

Well, this is my heart, isn't it?

Yes, yes, it is.

Diane, honey, if you walk out that door,

he's back on the bottle.

Oh, well, I can't be responsible for that.

Please, Diane,

don't tear his heart out again, please.

You'd be doing us both a big favor

if you'd just stick around for a little while,

a couple-- three weeks...

Just till he gets back on his feet.

Please.

Well, I've gone this far.

I might as well persist until he's recovered.

She's back!

If Frasier approves, I'll stick around

and help you through your waitress problem.

Whoa, wait a second here.

You mean to tell me

you're actually coming back to work here?

I'll take it until a better job comes along.

Cleaning up after rodeos, for instance.

Great, huh, Sam?

Diane's back.

Great.

What did you say to her?

It was easy.

I said... she walks out that door,

she's back in that nuthouse within a month.

Oh, I see.

You're not going to tell her, are you?

No, of course not.

Well, welcome aboard, Miss Chambers.

Thank you, Mr. Malone.

That Coach is a pretty smart fella sometimes,

isn't he?

Yes, he is, Sam.

Well, enough said about that.

Yeah, enough.

Well, Diane, shall we be off?

Oh, Frasier, I think

I'm going to come back to work here.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

Listen, as Frasier Crane, M.D.,

I don't think that's a good idea

for the two of you.

And as Frasier Crane, man,

I don't think it's a good idea

for the three of us.

Frasier, listen to me.

Sam needs my help in the bar.

If you feel any spark of jealousy,

please, let me assure you,

I could work side by side with this man

for the rest of my life and feel nothing.

Work? Hell, I could live in the same house with her

and never be tempted.

I could sleep in the same bed

and get...

nothing but a good night's rest.

I could get out of jail after 12 years,

serve on a ship with an all-male crew for another four,

be dropped off on a desert island for another three,

eating nothing but raw oysters,

and if Diane were

to walk out of the surf naked one day,

all I'd want from her would be the hockey scores.

And you wouldn't even get that.

I'm afraid that's not good enough.

Diane, we're leaving.

Excuse me, Diane.

Doc, could I have a word with you, please?

What about?

Listen, Doc...

You take her out that door now,

and those two will be dreaming

dreams about each other from now on.

But, if she worked here, Doctor,

hatred.

Ooh!

You know, I'm glad Coach stopped me

to ask about career opportunities

in psychiatry.

Yes, Harvard is excellent.

You see, it gave me some time to reflect.

Diane, you must come back to work.

I must?

You and Sam went through a violent emotional experience.

Now this will give you an opportunity to defuse,

to de-mythologize your romance.

Isn't he amazing?

Abundantly.

Sammy, are you going to tell Carla?

Yeah, maybe you ought to give me a hand here.

Yeah. Right.

What-- what's this all about?

Hey! Hey!

Got her?

Check.

Carla... Diane's coming back to work here.

Really?

At last, some help.

And she's had experience too.

I hope she can start right away.

Nah, nah, nah, nah... take her in the back.

Oh, you think I'm going to try to kill her

or hurt her or maim her? No, no, no.

Walls, walls, walls.

Well, Sam, Diane and I really must be going,

but it looks like we'll be seeing each other again.

Yeah, I guess we will.

Hey, Frasier,

let me congratulate you here on your new honey.

Why, thanks, Sam.

I've never been happier.

Let me congratulate you too, Diane.

Oh, for heaven's sake, give her a kiss.

Yeah, why not?

Why not? Seems appropriate.

- Sam... - Mm.

Now there's a healthy beginning.

Nuts about me.

Pitiful.