Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Okay, please, everybody, listen up, huh?

It's time once again for the Third Annual Cheers Picnic.

Now, I'm gonna need volunteers for these various committees.

First, food. Now, who will volunteer to take care of the grub?

Well, what the heck, I can do this one. Ernie Pantusso.

I did a pretty good job last year. At least no one complained.

This brings us to the entertainment committee.

Who wants to chair this baby?

Well, entertainment goes right along with food. Ernie Pantusso.

Now, we'll need two captains for the softball teams.

Two. Come on, a show of hands, huh?

Well, all right, I can handle one team. Ernie Pantusso.

Okay, so who wants the other? One more.

Well, I'm gonna be out there on the field anyway, so...

Ernie Pantusso.

Oh, and last but not least, I need somebody to head up transportation.

I got it. Ernie Pantusso.

There will be a meeting of the committee chairmen

at my house tonight at 8:00.

Please, everybody, try to be on time, huh?

Hey, everybody, sorry I'm late.

- Hey, Sam. - Where have you been?

Well, I had to run a few errands.

Oh, a funny thing happened to me this afternoon.

I was on my way to Boston Magazine to be interviewed as one of the 20

most eligible bachelors in the city when I saw this man walking a dog.

Now, the funny thing is the dog was not walking like a dog,

he was walking like a man up on his hind legs.

Boy, where's the camera when you need one, huh?

Okay, enough jokes. Back to work.

- Twenty most eligible bachelors? - What's that?

Boston Magazine.

And you let them list you?

Well, if I hadn't, I would've missed that funny dog.

Hey, you ought to dine out on that story there, Sammy.

Why do you want them to list you as an eligible bachelor?

Isn't that for men who are actively seeking female companionship?

No, not entirely.

No, no, no. It's just good publicity for the bar, that's all.

Besides, it gave me a chance to air some of my views on political issues.

What political issues did you air views on?

I told them I thought nuclear war would be bad news.

Oh, Sam, you've stirred up a hornet's nest there.

Really? Well, that-- I can always say I was misquoted.

Oh, I see. When they say "eligible bachelors,"

they mean eligible for a brain transplant.

I knew it. I knew you'd make a big deal out of this.

You make a big deal out of everything. Come on, all it was

was a nice little article on my life, my interests, and a simple picture of me.

I mean, it wasn't like it was cheesecake.

No, Sam, with men it's beefcake.

If I posed, it would be cheesecake.

If you posed, it would be crumb cake.

Sam, I'm very hurt by this.

Oh, come-- Don't be.

All right, I wanna tell you something right now

that's gonna make you feel better. I wanted it to be a surprise,

but when I was talking to that lady reporter,

I said, "Yeah, I may be a bachelor,

but it so happens that I already found the woman of my dreams,

and her name is Diane Chambers."

Really, Sam?

That's very sweet.

Call and check. Her name's Helen Castella.

- She's still there. Go on. - I don't have to call.

I believe you. I trust you.

I think that was a wonderful thing to do.

Yeah, me too.

She bought that?

I'd like to sell her the Old North Church.

Good luck.

I owned that once.

It took me forever to unload it.

Boy, did I take a bath on that.

Boy, I really did it this time.

What are you worried about? She already bought the story.

When the magazine hits the stands, just tell her it's not your fault.

The reporter didn't mention your sweetie.

- Yeah, foolproof. - Yeah.

No, at best I'm just buying time.

She said she wouldn't call, but she'll call.

There was a time when she wouldn't have called, but, no, she'll call.

Sam, you don't trust Diane very much, huh?

Coach, it's gotten to the point where I can't trust a thing that woman says.

I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship,

it's really no fun lying to them anymore.

It's not my fault. You know, she always starts things.

Telling me how to walk, how to act, how to think.

Yeah. Yeah, and you've been doing those things since you were what, 14?

Yeah.

You know, it's gotten to the point where I start doing things

I don't even wanna do, but just knowing it's gonna tick her off,

I gotta do them. And the more I think it's gonna drive her crazy,

the happier I get. Is that--? Is that weird?

No, no, we know the woman.

Sammy, I think it's time for a romantic gesture, you know,

like a little trinket to smooth the water.

No, I've done all that stuff before.

I tell you, it's gonna take a lot more than music

and candlelit dinner to shut her up this time.

Sam, listen, I'm telling you, it's time for you take a big step.

Now, I wouldn't say this ordinarily to anyone in a million years,

but you know what might help?

If you actually had physical relations with her.

I don't think so, Coach.

I think we're both gonna wait until we're sure

how we feel about each other.

You're a good old-fashioned guy, Sam.

All right, you wanna hear the most romantic thing

- I heard a guy do in a long time? - All right, all right, what?

Well, I heard that Sally got mad at Burt

because she heard he was gonna do another movie with Loni.

So, Burt, to make up for it,

had someone paint a portrait of Sally.

Thank you very much for that enlightenment, Carla.

Now we can knock it off with the fan magazine drivel, huh?

I heard yesterday that Burt and Sally are headed for the altar.

You know, that's not such a bad idea, having a portrait done.

- I mean, she'd like that kind of thing. - Yeah. Refill, Sam.

Yeah, it shows some thinking, it's sensitive, it's personal--

The altar? How can Burt do that with the terrible secret

that he and Dinah still share?

Do you mind here? Carla, come on.

Now, what kind of artist should I get to paint Diane?

- Better get a bad one. - Why?

Well, you don't want it to look like her, do you?

You know, your wisecracks all the time don't make things any easier here.

Oh, come on, Sam, you know my philosophy.

If you can't say something nice, say it about Diane.

Come on, help me out here, now. Where do you go to find an artist?

What do you do? Do you go to a store or something?

A store. Come on, Sam, we're not talking about TV dinners here,

we're talking about artists. You gotta go to where the artists are.

You know, to an artist place.

What's that terrible secret Burt and Dinah share?

I can't tell you. In a readers' poll, I voted they should have more privacy.

Hey, listen, fellas. Sam, can I put this all in check for a minute?

- Go on. - I happen to be a wonderful artist,

and I'd just love to do a picture of Diane.

I'd consider it a challenge, and I'd welcome it.

- You never told me about this talent. - Sure. Here, let me show you.

Norm. Norm, just hold it like that, please.

- It stinks. - Yeah, it does.

I just remembered, it was my brother that had all the artistic talent.

Yeah, now I remember, my talent is eating things that aren't food.

Could we get back to this artist thing?

Oh, yes. I deliver mail to an artist.

Yeah, he's a very successful artist too.

I'll tell you how successful he is.

Yesterday, he received a letter, had a check in it for $25,853

from a guy named Sweeney.

How do you know what was on the check, man?

When I put it in the slot, it happened to pass in front of a 300-watt bulb.

Well, you want me to get on the horn, get him in here?

Yeah, I guess I could talk to him. Do you think he'd come down

- and bring some of his pictures? - Sure, I'll give it a shot.

I usually hesitate to use the power vested in me

by the post office and the Almighty,

but in this case I'll make an exception.

You got a dime?

Wait a second here, maybe this whole thing's about to blow over.

- Sam? - Yeah.

We've been very childish in the past.

We have?

Yes, over things like this magazine article.

I was just about to call that reporter and check your story, but I didn't.

- And I'm so proud I didn't. - Me too.

I know we're not perfect, and we're going through a difficult time,

but... I just decided this is the perfect time to start fresh.

Let's cleanse our relationship.

From this moment on, no more pettiness,

no more suspicions, no more dishonesty.

You really mean this, don't you?

I really do.

Okay.

Okay, Diane. Yeah, I'm gonna start being honest with you right now.

You know how I told you how I told that reporter all about you?

I didn't tell her anything about you.

- I see. - But I wish I had.

Thank you for respecting me enough to tell the truth.

Well, actually, I'm lying again, because I'm glad I didn't tell her.

It would've made me look whipped.

If you want me to get on that telephone and tell her, I won't.

I was about to say I would, but I won't. The truth is--

The truth-- The truth is that I like having millions of women

looking at my picture and dreaming, "I want him."

Now, this is just me being honest with you here.

That's exactly what I wanted.

Well, this is great. This is great. Why didn't we do this sooner, huh?

- I don't know. - You see how if you start telling

the truth right away--

Sammy-- Sam, I'll make that phone call, huh?

You kids just carry on with what you're doing there.

Coach, someone just put their names on your picnic sign-up sheet here.

No kidding. How many?

Three. We got Ziggy Stardust, the Mad Hatter and Clark Kent.

It looks like I got myself an infield.

- Hey, everybody. - Norm.

- How are you feeling, Norm? - Naked without my beer, Coach.

Walked all the way over here dragging my thirst behind me.

How was dinner, Norm, huh?

Listen up, everybody. Stay away from that

Hungry Heifer place, that new place downtown.

Yeah, but they've been advertising that a lot, Normie. No good, huh?

No, no, no, it's awful.

Served me a terrible piece of meat, tough potatoes,

- soggy vegetables. Yeah. - Why didn't you send it back?

Oh, here's another thing, the service stinks.

By the time the waiter got there to ask me if everything was okay,

I was through.

- Can I help you? - I have come

to pander to the tastes of a tasteless.

Oh, you wanna head the food committee. Wait a minute.

We got a chairman for the food committee!

Hey, look, my buffalo's sunny-side up there, chief.

You're referring to my apparel?

Oh, hey, no offense there, Little Beaver,

but it is a tad-- Tad out of the mundane, you know?

Excuse me, sir, but what is that outfit?

This is an Arapaho ceremonial tunic worn by the village elders

when they hold council in their hunting lodge.

I earned it by letting them pierce my flesh with wild turkey quills.

This is a JC Penney wash-and-wear, tapered tails.

Salesman was a little nasty, but I didn't have to go through anything like that.

I'm looking for Sam Malone.

I was told he was interested in buying some of my work.

You must be Phillip Semenko, huh?

Oh, I'm Cliff Clavin, your mailman.

- We finally meet face to face. - I can die now.

Yeah, yeah, you've got a great wit about you.

- Thanks for stopping by. - I don't like to be touched.

Hey, I can grok that.

Hey, I don't like to be touched either.

You know, I bet neither one of you has to tell that to a lot of people.

Here's the connoisseur now. Sam, our artist friend,

Mr. Semenko, is here.

Hi, I'm Sam Malone, Mr. Cementma--

Smo-- Samakama...

That walking fire hydrant over there told me you were a man of taste

and intelligence. I see no evidence of that.

Well, maybe he's exaggerating a little. But you see, actually,

I'm new to this art thing. But I've heard a lot of good things about you,

and I think you may be just the guy to get me out of the doghouse

with my girlfriend, you know, by painting a little picture of her.

I don't care how you do it, as long as you make it look exactly like her.

And if you can have it here by tomorrow, that would be great.

I've got some snapshots here I took while we were up in the mountains.

That's her on the left there.

These were taken up in New Hampshire.

We got this little cabin.

How about that? I'm wearing the funny hat there in that one.

This one's-- This one's pretty good. It's shot up in the cabin right there.

You ever get up that way?

I guess not.

You know, it is okay if you hold these by the edges.

- Is there a problem here? - Your existence.

I was told I was coming here to meet a wealthy art investor

who could fill my coffers. No, I'm not above that yet.

Instead, I find myself face to face with a nightmarish product

of our floundering American educational system.

Hey, I don't have to take that. Do I?

Why don't we just call this whole thing off? I'm not so crazy

- about your attitude. - You, sir, are an ignorant man.

You are all ignorant.

You are all stuff to fill graves.

Don't forget to tell your friends about Cheers.

Don't feel too bad, Sammy, I feel I'm partly to blame.

Let's talk, Cliff.

Hello, everyone. I'm back.

Oh, hi, Diane.

I'm sorry I stormed off like that.

I've cooled off.

Coach, Carla, everybody, let's just continue.

It's important that you all know that I wasn't really trying to kill Sam

when I wrapped the telephone cord--

May I help you?

That's the face I've been looking for.

Sorry, I'm still using it.

I could let you visit it on weekends.

- Two drafts, Coach. - Coming up.

Thanks.

What? What? What?

What do you want from me?

I'm Phillip Semenko.

I want to paint you.

Phillip Semenko, the genius?

That's redundant.

I've seen your work, and you're brilliant.

And I love this Arapaho ceremonial tunic.

What are you doing here?

Up to now, fondly remembering my bout with jaundice.

But then I saw you.

I want you to be my next subject.

Oh, you're kidding. Me?

Why?

You have an ancient soul, and it's suffering.

Suffering more now than it has ever suffered before.

- Suffering? - Yes.

Your spirit is imprisoned, trapped,

stretched on a rack.

Your eyes...

...have the look...

...of a strangling sparrow.

Well, that's in this year. Last year it was bangs.

Hey, Tonto, I thought I told you to beat it.

Please, something important is happening.

That's right, you're leaving. The deal is off. Now, make yourself scarce.

- Come on, beat it. - You have nothing to do with this.

How dare you interrupt the artistic process at its very start?

That's how I get my kicks. Now, come on, vamoose.

- Sam. - What?

Stop. This is Phillip Semenko, the genius.

He wants to paint me. I've never been so excited in my life.

- You heard of this clown before? - Yes, of course.

He's one of the most promising young artists in the country.

- Someday, he could be great. - Come on, Diane.

If he was a great artist, what is he doing alive, huh?

Sam, for goodness sake, will you stop?

This is a chance of a lifetime.

Can't you see how fascinated he is by me?

I want to start our sessions tomorrow, maybe tonight, maybe now.

Wait a minute here. Don't you see what's going on?

He's gonna invite you over to his place, ask you to get all nuded up.

Hey, that happens to be my territory, fella.

Sam.

Don't be silly. Of course he wouldn't want me nude.

But even if he did, I'd do it. The man is brilliant.

You don't want me in the nude, do you?

God knows I'm open-minded about that sort of thing.

It's just that this time of year, there are so many colds around.

You know?

I paint the soul, not the body.

- To me, every soul is naked. - The weirdo walks. Come on.

Sam. Now, you can't do this. I want him to paint me.

I can't let an opportunity like this pass.

Honey, I don't like him.

You do anything with him, do anything, go anywhere,

share a bus with him, and we're through.

I have spoken.

- Fine. - What?

I said fine, whatever you want.

I see how strongly you feel about it, so fine.

Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I got something else I wanna tell you.

And as soon as I think of it, I will.

I can only imagine the hell you've endured.

It hasn't been easy.

Well, goodbye.

Wait.

I really want you to paint me.

What about that malignant growth you call a boyfriend?

Just give him some time to cool down.

Once he sees the finished work, he'll forgive me.

He'll forgive you, he'll forgive everything.

He'll hate it.

And he'll hate you for doing it.

If you pose for me, it will drive a permanent wedge

between you and that man.

So you won't do it?

I'll do it for free.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

I'm sorry about coming on so strong like that.

I know you think it's pretty unprofessional of me,

but roughhouse is the only language some people understand,

and if I have to, I know how to speak it. Okay, thanks for your attention.

Just go back and have some fun there.

Where's Diane?