Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Coach, you got the next round ready for the ladies in the backroom?

- Almost, honey, almost. - Okay. Aren't they a cute group?

The Golden Eighties Club.

Yeah, a bunch of old widows and spinsters get together

and play Connect the Liver Spots.

I agree with Diane, Carla. They're absolutely adorable.

Oh, Coach, you like anybody who calls you "sonny."

Yeah.

All set, Diane.

Wow, this is quite a load. Well, I'll just take two trips.

Yes, now, there is a nonprofessional for you.

Last round, I got them all in one trip.

Okay.

One more beer.

- Like me to carry it for you? - No.

No problem.

I'll simply do as the noble women of primitive tribal cultures

have been doing for centuries. I'll balance it on my noodle.

Those sweet little old ladies are gonna love this.

- Wow, look! It's Lawrence Welk! - No, stop!

- And you're wrong. - In your hat.

I kind of lost track here, Carla. What round's this?

I can't count that high.

Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?

We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing

a little difference of opinion. Vodka, rocks, two.

I think Sam is a heartless, mindless, slack-jawed cretin, and he disagrees.

But I'm sure he'll see reason eventually.

Let me know when his head lights up.

As usual, you have to take a connecting flight to get to the point.

We were talking about the way you don't trust me, motor mouth.

No, broken brow, we settled that.

You were proven wrong, and we moved on.

- As I recall-- - Sam, give me credit for having

enough intelligence to humiliate you in the right subject area.

My favorite couple, Steve and Eydie Amin.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?

Yeah, with a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

Actually, this is Emily Phillips,

and she runs a little boutique downtown,

and I've just taken them on as a client.

Why are they so excited? You told me you had lots of clients.

They're just naturally happy people in here.

Yeah, they sing the livelong day.

Hi, welcome to Cheers. I'm Sam Malone.

- Oh, thank you. - So, what kind of boutique is it?

Oh, it's just a little dress shop struggling to survive, really,

but thanks to Norm, I'm gonna get a very healthy tax return.

Yeah, well, I just did a few simple things.

For example, she wasn't even writing off her cockroaches as livestock.

I'm so proud of us.

We women have taken our place in society as never before.

Working, doing, rising on merit through the ranks.

We are taking our place alongside of, and in many cases, above men.

Once exploited, now we are equal.

Hey, honey, shake it up. I'm dry over here.

Excuse me.

Oh, would you pardon me for a moment, Norm? I gotta call the shop.

- Sure. - You know, I really like

this Cheers place. Do you come here often?

- Well, what do you consider often? - Oh, two or three times a week.

Then I don't come here often.

- Can I have a beer, Coach? - Yeah.

Norm, you told her you had a lot of big clients?

Yeah, 75. I figured 200 would be stretching it

for someone working out of the trunk of his car.

What's going on, Norm? You seem kind of friendly.

She just brought me in here to celebrate the outstanding work I did.

Oh, I don't know, Norm.

I kind of sense something between the two of you.

I could feel the temperature in here rise when you two walked in.

Norm, you're her new accountant.

Have you gone over her figure?

Does she have sizable assets?

Yeah, has she shown you a couple of capital gains

that'd make you liquidate your holdings?

All right.

It's all very well to be witty here, but you guys don't understand.

You know, she's just a very nice lady

and she just wanted to bring me in here to show me a little appreciation.

That's what you think, Norm.

Haven't you noticed those subtle little looks she's been shooting at you?

- What do you mean? - Like you're a juicy steak

soon to be sizzling on her grill.

Here she comes. Here she comes. Here she comes.

- Where do you wanna sit, Norm? - That table right there is fine.

What can I get you to drink?

Oh, I'm sure whatever you have will be fine with me, Norm.

Oh, come on. Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, I don't know. Let's just submit this to our resident expert on women-ology.

Well, I don't usually think of myself that way.

I'd be happy to share any thoughts I have with you, Cliffo.

So, what do you think, Sam?

I think she's scouting your territory.

Norman, ignore these blatherskites.

They're just having fun at your expense.

She's absolutely right, Normie.

The emptiness of their lives causes them to cast aspersions on your own.

- You can say that again, Coach. - No, I can't, Diane.

I happen to know these guys are joking.

They know as well as you do that if anything did happen,

it would injure irreparably the special one you love.

Oh, come on, Diane, I'd get over it in a couple of weeks.

Look at the way she's looking at you, Norm.

She is hot for your bod.

Here you go.

There you are. I've been getting lonely.

Would you excuse me just for a moment, please?

You're right, the woman's a she-devil.

- What am I gonna do about it? - Well, the course is clear, Norm.

You're gonna stand up tall, act like the man you are,

and submit to her every demand.

Thank you, Cliff. Now can I have an opinion from someone

who's had a date this century?

Norm. You told her you were married, right?

Of course. She knows about Vera.

I mentioned her at least a couple of times.

My wedding ring's right out there for everyone to see,

that pawn shop on Boylston Street.

You see, Norman? You see?

You're always making these crass, adolescent jokes about Vera.

Now it's getting you into trouble. This woman probably takes you seriously.

Now she thinks that you don't care about your wife.

Don't listen to her, Norm. How many chances do you get? Go for it.

- Be a man, Norm. - Come on.

You people are recommending that Norman commit adultery.

It happens all the time, stick.

That's the way life is.

I'm telling you, the only difference between Dynasty and the real world

is they got better haircuts.

What do you think, Sam?

Norm,

I think it's stupid to jump into bed with somebody you're working with.

I didn't mean stupid in the unintelligent sense.

Don't mind Sam. He's a little depressed.

This is the year his age caught up with his IQ.

That's years away.

Norm, look, do you find her attractive?

Of course, she's very attractive.

Yeah, well, if it was me she was attracted to,

I wouldn't be wasting time hanging around some bar

- talking to a bunch of jerks. - Yeah, Norm, do something.

- Come on. Come on. Come on. - Yeah, Vera'll never find out, Norm.

- Is anything wrong, Norm? - Hey, he's gonna take care of you.

Don't worry.

Just a sec, Emily.

All right, Norm. Now, look, if you're scared,

I'll take charge of this. I mean, with me it won't be sinful.

Just unsightly.

All right, look, if you're interested, strike while the iron is hot.

Norman, will you do me a favor?

- Yeah, what? What do you want? - Call Vera.

- Why? - Just do it.

Call her and listen to her voice

before you rend asunder the inviolate garment of your marriage.

- Oh, Diane, I don't-- Please. - The phone.

- Come on. - Are you afraid, Norman?

What, you think I'm afraid to talk to my own wife?

All right.

Emily, be with you in a minute. Quick business call here.

Hello, Vera, this is Norm. I'm at Cheers. It's 8:05.

You need me, you've got the number here. Bye.

Norm, when did you get the answering machine?

I didn't, Coach. That was Vera.

Norman. Norman, I think that you'd better give the lady what she wants.

She is a client. If you don't come across,

she's gonna drop you like a bad habit.

Norman, has it come to this?

Are you going to sell your virtue to the first person

who buys you a drink in a bar?

If you were a woman, I think we'd have a name for you.

I kind of like "Becky."

I realize "Norma" is closer. You just have to add U-H, but...

Could everybody please just back off for a second?

Since when does my private life become the subject of public debate?

- You backing out, Norm? - Now, come on, come on, guys, lay off.

Okay, Sam, okay. Hey, Norm, we were just kidding with you.

We knew you really wouldn't do it.

Yeah, we know what kind of guy he is.

Yeah, we know he wouldn't cheat on Vera.

All right, all right, all right. Norm, look,

we'll even sing your wedding song for you. Ready, guys?

- Sure. - And...

Yes, dear

Of course

Right away

You guys think I'm the world's heavyweight champion wuss, don't you?

Unchallenged.

All right, stand back and eat my dust.

Storming Norman is primed for love.

You better hurry up, Norm. She's on her way out.

Hey, Emily. Hey, Emily, wait up.

What, are you trying to ditch me?

Norm, it's obvious that you'd rather be with your friends.

- I just feel in the way here. - No, look, that was rude. I'm sorry.

I'd just...

- ...like to make it up to you. - No, that's okay.

No, please. Let me buy you dinner or something.

That might be nice.

The thing is, though, I don't feel like being around people anymore.

Yeah, me neither.

I guess I could fix a little something over at my place.

Sounds good.

Norm, Norm. Norm!

- Just a sec. - You don't have to go through with this

- if you don't want. - I know, I know.

Just one question, Sam. Have there been any innovations

in the women's undergarment industry since 1965?

No.

Oh, I'm so disappointed in Norman.

Diane, the problem you're having is just a simple lack of understanding

of the male of the species.

See, man was not made to be monogamous.

It's an artificial, unnatural phenomenon imposed from without.

The human male can never have enough women.

Or, in your case, any.

Don't be too hard on Norm. He hasn't had that much experience.

I think he kind of got swept away.

You know, it makes me almost grateful you've had the amount of experience

you've had with women.

- Oh, yeah? - Yes. I think by now

your curiosity is satisfied, your inexplicable lusts sated.

If our relationship remains as strong and vital as it is now,

you'll have no need for sexual experience with another woman.

Oh, my God.

What do you mean, "Oh, my God"?

Well, I just never thought about that before. My last woman.

- You do agree, don't you? - I don't know. I--

Why not?

Hey, come on. Something could happen to you, you know?

You could die or go insane. Or what happens if you don't age that well?

You-- What would happen if I went down in an airplane

over South America someplace and was taken captive

by a tribe of huge women...

...who made me their sex slave?

Forced by High Priestess Bettina and her handmaidens

to satisfy them day after day after day.

I mean, come on. Be realistic, Diane.

- My God, I just thought of something. - What's that, Coach?

What if Vera calls and she wants to know where Normie is?

Tell her he stepped out.

That's kind of flimsy, Carla.

Okay, he went to a movie with you, Coach.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Gee, Norm and I haven't been out together in a long time.

Okay, okay. I can't go through with it, Mrs. Peterson.

- Norm's out with a dame. - Give me that!

Coach, if you were at the Alamo, we'd all be wearing sombreros.

What? Emily who?

Oh, yeah, Norm's dame.

Of course he isn't here. I thought he was pitching woo with you.

You're kidding.

- Oh, man, it figures. - What, what, what, what?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him to call you. - What?

We should've known. Norm chickened out.

Oh, come on.

What happened?

He dropped her off at her apartment and went to park the car.

That was two hours ago, and she hasn't seen him since.

If he has any pride, he's killed himself.

Carla, he just came to his senses.

He came to his knees.

He did the decent, honorable and moral thing.

Yeah, and we're gonna make him pay for it the rest of his life.

Okay, quiet, everybody. Here he comes.

Now, just act like you don't know anything.

Yeah, something tells me you boys can handle that.

She's an animal.

- Evening, everybody. - Norm!

I'm spent.

Give me a beer, Coach.

She couldn't get enough of you, huh, Norm?

Cliff ie, I had to climb out the fire escape.

You gotta give us all the details, Norm. And I mean details.

I don't know. Is everybody over 21 here?

- Norman, don't do this. - Shut up and let the man talk.

So come on, Normie, give.

Well, I think this just about says it all.

Whoa, Norm, major hickey.

That's the only one I can show you in mixed company, Cliff ie.

Norm, I hate to see you make a fool of yourself,

but Emily called.

She wants more? That woman is insatiable.

She wanted to know where you were. She said you didn't show up.

And everybody here knows it.

Of course.

What do you expect her to do? Brag about it?

I mean, only a crass lowlife would do something like that.

Let's you and me go back and talk in the poolroom.

Sure. Big guy wants some pointers now.

Sure, Sammy, I'll fill you in.

What a pathetic display.

I'm ashamed God made me a man.

I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either.

I didn't even have the guts to go in, Sam.

I've been sitting out in the car for the last two hours.

What about your hickey here?

I got one of those little vacuum cleaners in the glove compartment.

I'm such a coward.

No, come on, Norm.

You know, meaningless affairs aren't all they're cracked up to be.

I've had lots of them. You think they made me happy?

- Ecstatic. - Yeah, but that's me, Norm.

You're a different kind of man.

Yeah, you're telling me.

- Sammy? - Yeah.

Can I make a confession to you right now?

Oh, please don't. I'm not--

Sam...

...I love my wife.

That's not as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

- Yeah, wait a second. It gets worse. - Oh, God.

Vera is the only woman I've ever had.

Now, when you say "had,' you mean...?

Yes.

- Come on, man, be serious. - I am.

Well, what's wrong with that? What's wrong--?

I mean, I don't even want other women, Sam.

All right, don't get me wrong. I get urges, okay?

- All right. - But if I acted on those urges,

I'd be no better than a rutting pig.

A happy, singing, dancing, rutting pig.

Well, I-- I don't know what this all was about.

I mean, you make it sound like you're confessing a crime here.

Come on, Sam, people don't go bragging around

how they love their wives.

When was the last time you saw guys sit around a bar slamming beers,

exchanging great tales of marital bliss, huh?

So those jokes about Vera are a bunch of baloney, huh?

I mean, you really love her, huh?

Of course I do. Most of them aren't even true, you know.

- Like that one about the tentacles? - Yeah.

Well, I can only speak for myself here, but I think that's wonderful.

I don't know.

Yeah, you know, you may not believe me, but I envy you.

- You envy me? - Yeah, I do.

I used to think that the more women I conquered,

the more it would make me a man. But, now, I guess

I'm just looking for the right one.

- And now you found Diane. - That's right.

Boy, when they made her, they broke the mold.

Tried to pretend like it was an accident.

See? There, you're doing it. You're doing it too.

- And you know why? - Well, no.

Because you're a guy, you see? And deep down we're all terrified

- of being wusses. - Yeah.

Now, someone's gotta pay for that. It might as well be the women.

Hey, ain't that--? Boy, I'll tell you.

I'm terribly sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing what you just said.

- How much? - Well, everything.

See, I discovered accidentally if you go into the first stall in the women's room,

wet your ear and jam it up against the wall,

you can hear the occasional word. Just be glad I did.

Listen to me. Now, Norman,

I have something to say to you because I can help you.

And I want to say it to your face.

You are a ladies' man.

- I am? - Yes.

You're a one-woman man, and every woman loves and respects that.

I don't think you should live your life in deference

to what some beer-swilling swine think.

Gee, I always have.

Norman...

...they're unhappy with their marriages or lack thereof,

and they're waiting out there for you to throw yours away

and lower yourself to their level.

Oh, I hate them. God, I hate them.

Me too.

I tell you, it's time I faced up to it.

My marriage is my most prized possession.

And next to my Honda Civic, my only possession.

I happen to love my wife, and I don't care who knows it.

- All right. Hey, man. - Hey, you guys, listen up out here!

- You're a wimp, Norm. - I happen to love my wife.

I'm not about to throw away 11 years of marriage.

- Oh, isn't he sweet? - You're a wuss, Norm.

Hey, let me finish, will you?

Come on, Norman, stand up to them.

Come on, man, you--

Hey, I'm not gonna throw away 11 years of marriage.

I'm looking for someone to haul it away.

All right, let me tell you a little bit about my honeymoon suite,

or as I call it, the dead zone.

Hey, you wanna see an impression of my wife,

Vera Peterson, at the dentist's office?

Where's my jacket? Where--?

This is gonna be great.

Oh, shut up.

Doctor, would you please clean my fangs?

Do you believe this?

Just a sec. I don't wanna miss this.