Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Hey, everybody. - Hi, Sam.

- How are you doing? - Okay. Thank you.

Surprise, surprise.

Lookie there. What's the occasion?

Well, just a little peace offering. I'm trying to make up for last night.

Well, you should feel bad about that.

I mean, no guy likes to be laughed at at that particular moment.

I just couldn't help it.

You had that look on your face,

and for just a second there, you looked like a flounder.

Maybe it was the light.

Apology accepted.

But this better be a pretty damn good gift, I'll tell you that.

Well, I'll be darned.

It's a sweater?

An Icelandic snowflake rag-wool sweater.

I saw it in a catalog. I just had to get it for you.

Well, thank you. That-- I love it. It's great.

Put it on right now.

Well, you know, I like to live with a piece of clothing for a little while

before I actually wear it, Diane.

- Come on, Sam. - Come on.

I know it's unusual, but it looks totally different when it's on.

One person laughs at me--

He will be exhibiting his own insecurity and lack of taste.

I just hate looking silly.

Attention, everyone. Sam is about to model his new sweater for us.

Hey, look, Cliff ie, goose bumps.

Boy, there was nothing in my horoscope about that this morning.

Does it fit all right?

Yeah, it fits okay. Why don't you come on in and take a look.

No, no, you come out here

and show everyone what a fashion plate you are.

And believe me, not so much as a smirk.

I never saw a flounder in a sweater before.

M.L. Carr inside to Robert Parish. Low to McHale.

Hey, Sam, the TV's on the blink again.

- Where's Carla? - Carla? Get out here, will you?

TV's on the fritz again.

Work or die.

Thanks, Carla.

I have a way with inanimate objects.

Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

- What do you mean? - What do you mean what do I mean?

I mean you've been sitting here like a lump.

You lost your zest for life here, Norm.

I mean, we had two overtimes already,

and you're playing motorboat in your beer.

I'm okay. Just not the same since Vera's been out of town.

Kind of miss having her around.

Where is she?

She went to visit her parents.

Yeah, she's out there for a week in...

Where the heck do they live?

Somewhere-- One of those rectangular states.

Why didn't you go with her?

Parents aren't wild about me since I've been out of work.

- Oh, come on. - No, they think I'm not trying, Sam.

They got this crackpot idea that if I go out looking everyday,

and send résumés everywhere, making phone calls all the time,

that somehow, by magic, a job's just gonna appear.

- Voodoo, huh? - Oh, really.

Hey, Sam, let me have two vodka rocks.

Where are those Bloody Marys I ordered?

I'm sorry. Boy, I'm getting way behind here.

Coach is supposed to be back from Phoenix by now.

- Phoenix? - Yeah.

He's back there for T-Bone Scappagione's funeral.

He was Coach's best friend in the whole world, you know?

They were teammates in the minors, then they both coached for the Sox.

I remember that guy. How come you didn't go, Sam?

You know, it's funny,

Coach really loved him, but I never cared for the guy.

Yeah, well, let's face it,

taste in people isn't your strong point.

Yes. How would we manage without Carla's wit?

Carla, how do you manage without it?

What don't you like about this T-Bone person?

Lots of things.

He's... You know the kind of guy,

he can't pass a mirror without checking himself out.

Pretty-boy type.

Thinks he's God's gift to women. You know the kind.

All right, all right.

There's a difference between thinking it and knowing it.

- Hi, everybody. - Hey, Coach!

- Where the hell have you been? - I'm sorry I'm late, Sam.

But old T-Bone wanted to be buried in the family plot,

and I brought the body back with me.

How'd he die, Coach?

Some mysterious ailment turns your flesh to cardboard?

No, no, Normie. No, Normie, no.

See, the body's at the mortuary.

This is just a promotional thing we did

when we were down with the Birmingham Barons.

Old T-Bone, he saved it all these years,

so I snatched it up and brought it back with me for Cheers.

Some luck, huh, Sam?

Words fail me, Coach.

It'll be like having my old buddy back with me here for all time.

Actually, I think this will be a lot better.

Sam, that's a wonderful thought.

I'm going to-- I'm gonna put this in my office for safekeeping.

- I'd hate to see it get stolen. - Thanks, Sam.

How was the funeral, Coach?

Well, actually, Diane, it was kind of gloomy.

Well, you know, Coach, after all, it's hardly an occasion for rejoicing.

Oh, no, no, everything was perfectly nice.

It was really a nice ceremony,

but they didn't say much about the real T-Bone, you know?

He's been living down there in Phoenix for, what, a couple of years now?

Those people really didn't know him.

They should've had the funeral in Boston.

This is where all his old pals are.

You're absolutely right, Carla.

You know, they didn't even know why they called him "T-Bone" down there.

Why did they call him T-Bone, Coach?

I don't know, Diane. I was hoping to find out.

I just had a wonderful idea.

Is there any way we could get you not to tell us?

Not a prayer.

Why couldn't we have a memorial right here?

We could invite some of T-Bone's buddies,

and they could come and toast his memory.

Why, that's a terrific idea, Diane.

Then everybody could talk about the real T-Bone.

- Right. - I'll make a list of guys to call.

Wait a minute.

I don't think having a bunch of guys mourning is that good for business.

They mourn, they drink.

Call me a sentimental old fool, but I'm for it.

Diane, what you've written here is just beautiful,

but do you know what--? You know what it could use?

A little bit more about T-Bone himself. Know what I mean?

Okay. Tell me about him.

Well, in his playing days, he was a good hitter.

"His prowess at the plate was legendary."

He was a fair hitter, Diane. Fair, for the minors.

"He was a capable batsman."

Well, yeah, all those hits he got were a lot of scratch infield hits.

"His best moments were off the field."

Now, that's the idea.

For instance, he always made the guys laugh.

"He was loved for his irrepressible sense of humor."

He was always making fun of people.

"We admired his sardonic wit."

Yeah, I've seen him ride guys till they were reduced to tears.

"He was a hateful and terrible person."

Why don't you just stick with what I had.

You're right, honey. I'd better go practice.

Cheers.

Hello. Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.

Well, hold on a sec, and I'll check.

Are you in for Vera?

Sure. She's out of town. What could it hurt? Come on.

Tracked me down, huh?

Hey, I miss you, hon.

Hasn't been the same without you around the house the past few days.

How's your mom?

You're at our house?

Since when?

You never left?

I gotta admit, I thought I heard someone in the john this morning.

I can't believe this man was vain.

Does this picture do him justice?

Only a firing squad would do him justice.

What is your problem with this man?

I know something about him that nobody else does.

Like what?

Just trust me, it's very sleazy.

Oh, come on, Sam. This sounds serious.

- You've gotta tell me what it is. - No, I can't do it, Diane. I'm sorry.

How would you like another sweater?

Once, when Coach was out of town-- This is a very long time ago.

--T-Bone made a play for his wife, Angela.

No. The rakehell.

Of course, he didn't get anywhere with her.

I guess she told me

because she had to tell somebody after keeping it a secret for so long.

She was afraid to tell Coach because it would've made him crazy.

It would have too.

- The scum. - Oh, I know.

Making a play for his best friend's wife.

Well, that's something even you wouldn't do.

Well, thank you for that, Diane.

I can't take all the credit for that,

because most of my friends' wives are real uggos.

Let's just pray that this secret goes to the grave with T-Bone.

Oh, I hope so.

Because if Coach ever finds out, it will put him right in the toilet.

All right?

Oh, Coach, where do you wanna put this thing for the ceremony?

In that case, where would you like Diane to stand?

- Coach, I know you-- - I hate him, Sam.

Coach, come on. Now, you have to find a way to put this behind you.

Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.

Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there, huh?

Hey, hey!

I just wish Angela had told me about it.

A man and a woman shouldn't keep secrets from each other.

No matter what it's about, Sam.

I don't think I agree with you, Coach.

You don't?

No, I don't think so.

Let's take an outlandish example. Like us, for instance.

In the totally fantastical, remote, unlikely event

that you would ever succumb to a foolish momentary temptation,

I think I would prefer, hypothetically, at least, to remain oblivious.

You got it.

What do you mean by that?

I was just going along with what you just said.

Well, you went along pretty fast.

Well, when you're right, you're right.

You said it as though you already had something in mind.

I don't.

You better not.

I don't. I swear.

- Tell the truth. - That is the truth.

Good. Then I wouldn't wanna know.

Now I see what you've been up to all this time, you...

You're trying to drive her crazy.

So she'll kill herself.

I love it! Now, if I can be of any help at all...

- I'll keep you in mind. - Okay.

- Hey, Ernie. - Hey, Artie.

- Artie, how are...? - Ernie, how are you?

It's so good to see you after all these years.

- You look great. - I feel fine.

Say, it could be under happier circumstances.

When did you hear the shocking news about T-Bone?

Well, I was in the john, and I overheard Sam and Diane.

You mean you knew about it?

Of course. It's in all the papers.

Oh, my God!

- Hey, Coach-- - The afternoon edition had pictures.

- Pictures! I'm a laughing stock! - No, Coach, you misunderstood.

Coach, I think it's great you're having this little ceremony for old T-Bone.

Well, there ain't gonna be any little ceremony for old T-Bone, Artie.

That dirty, filthy little pig.

Why, Coach?

You read it in the papers!

No, Coach. Coach, he's talking about T-Bone dying. Now, come on.

- No. There's nothing to say, Sam. - Yes, there is.

Come into my office here, and let's have a talk.

Arthur, have a drink on the house, okay?

Carla, you wanna help him get a drink there, please?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Well, I'm going to help you with the Coach.

I have known this man for 20 years.

I think by now that I have a pretty good idea how to help him,

and I'm gonna, by myself.

Okay, fine. I'll be waiting right here outside the door when you fail.

When and if you fail.

More when.

Come on, Coach.

You're gonna have to go through with this thing now.

The guys are gonna be out there any minute.

He betrayed me, Sam. I loved him like a brother, and he betrayed me.

You know, once they were threatening to send him down to a Double-A club.

And I swear to you, Sam, I went up to the front office and said,

"You send T-Bone down, you gotta send me down too."

I did, Sam.

As I recall, you kind of liked it down there too, didn't you?

We had a great time. Why did he do it to me?

Coach, I don't know. Listen. Listen to me.

It was a one-time thing, Coach. I mean, he lost his head once.

I think you're gonna have to accept it and forgive him.

But why did he do it? Why?

I don't know. I can't answer that.

I just hate watching it eat you up like this.

I wish I could cheer you up or some-- Oh, wait, wait.

Oh, good, good. You haven't seen this.

This is great.

Look at this. Come on.

Don't I look like a dink, huh?

Look at this. Look at this thing.

Ordinarily, Sam, that would have me on the floor, but not today.

Come on, man, pull yourself out of this.

This is ancient history. It's in the past.

Yeah, for him, it's the past. For me, it's just happening.

I can help you, Coach.

Let your subconscious speak to me.

You have to work through your feelings about T-Bone.

You have a lot of bottled-up feelings that need to be released.

Yeah, if I had T-Bone here right now, I'd release all his teeth.

- That's good, that's good. - That's good.

See, you need to talk to T-Bone.

Tell him how hurt and angry you are so you can work through your feelings.

Come on, Diane. T-Bone's dead.

No. No, he isn't. Here's T-Bone right here.

Spill your guts to him.

- I don't think that's such a good idea. - It'll help him.

I hate looking silly.

I doubt that you want that.

Hey, Ernie, how you doing?

It has to be deeper, Sam, like, "Hey, Ernie, how you doing?"

Oh, right. Every time he talked, he'd do that. He'd wipe his nose.

All right. All right.

Hey, Ernie, how you doing?

It's, "Hey, Ernie, how you doing?" And then he wiped it that way.

All right, all right. Okay.

- After. - All right, all right.

Hey, Ernie, how you doing?

- Sam, the sniff has to be louder. - The sniff is fine.

Will you two please stop! Hey! Hey! Hey!

The sniff--

That is irrelevant.

Now, something is eating away at the Coach's guts.

We have to address that.

Ernie, your wife was a wonderful woman.

I mean, she was really beautiful. I lost my head.

Now, can you blame me for going crazy about something that you had

that I could never have myself?

She was the best.

Nobody could resist her.

Come on. Go out and make that speech for me, huh?

Come on, Ernie.

All the people out there think that I'm a real nice guy

and a good friend.

Leave me that, huh?

T-Bone, what you did I can never forgive you for.

Never forgive you!

And you're dead now, and there's only one way I can get even with you.

It's to go out there and really do you in.

And I'm gonna do it.

- Coach, come on. - Come on.

And just stay away from me!

Okay, everybody, come on.

And thanks for coming, but sit down, and let's get this over with.

Come on. The memorial service is about to begin.

Okay. Last call before the memorial.

Come on, now. Don't do this. It won't make you feel any better.

I'm feeling much better just thinking about it.

Now, okay, everybody set?

All right. I had a beautiful speech written for me here,

but I'd just rather say a few things from my own heart

about T-Bone Scappagione.

Coach, don't--

Just let me get it over with, will you, Sam?

T-Bone Scappagione was a son of a--

That man was a son of a--

T-Bone Scappagione was the son of an immigrant.

And like most immigrants, he was a human being.

Human beings make mistakes.

We're just not perfect.

But I'll tell you what isn't a mistake,

to love someone and to forgive him.

No matter what his shortcomings.

That's not a mistake.

I loved that man.

And I forgive him.

And I know that for the rest of my life, every day there's gonna be a moment...

...when I'm gonna miss him.

That's all I got to say.

That was beautiful, Ernie.

Thanks, Artie.

No, I mean it.

That stuff that you said

could almost make me forgive T-Bone for what he did to me.

- For what he did to you? - Yeah.

What--? What did he do?

He went after my wife.

Yours too?

Hey, you guys got off easy.

What did he do to you?

He borrowed $500 from me.

And never even tried to pay me back.

Well, how is that worse than going after our wives?

Hey, I've seen your wives.

Why beat around the bush?

Let's admit it. The guy was a fun go.

- Yeah! - Right, a fun go!

I gotta admit, I still love the guy.

After all, he never made a pass at my wife.

Are you nuts?

The man was at your house so often he got his mail there.

Don't talk to me like that. My wife would never cheat on me.

Hey, hey. He was the worst guy I ever knew.

We shouldn't be honoring him,

we should be dancing on his grave.

Yeah!

Hey, come on, you guys. Come on. What are you doing?

Listen, you gotta just try and forget about how he was in life

and remember him as he-- As he is now,

dead.

I say we take that cardboard cutout

and do to it what we should have done to T-Bone while he was alive.

Right!

Let's hang him in effigy.

- Right! - Yeah!

The hell with that! Let's hang him right here in Boston.

Right!

Will you do something?

Amazing grace How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost

But now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see

Amazing grace How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

I once was lost

But now I'm found

Was blind, but now I see