Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Here's your mail. - Oh, thanks.

I'm afraid they're all bills.

Oh, good. I'll give them to Bill the moment he comes in.

That's pretty funny.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, hold on there, sport.

- Yeah? - As you can see,

I'm wearing the colors myself here.

And as a veteran postal carrier, I can only say

I'm both shocked and dismayed.

- Sir? - Department policy

regarding a uniform, son, states in part, and I quote,

"Uniform shirt shall be buttoned up to and including the second button

from the collar of said shirt," unquote.

You're letting us down, son.

I-- I'm sorry, sir.

- I didn't mean any harm. - It's all right, son.

I was green once too. You'll make it.

- Thank you, sir. I'll try to do better. - Carry on, son.

- Here's your beer, Cliff. - Coach.

Cliff?

Say, you're not by any chance Cliff Clavin?

Sure am. You heard of me?

Your name is kind of a symbol around our branch office.

Is that right?

Yeah. Well, like, just the other day, I messed up,

you know, and my supervisor told me to get my head out of my Clavin.

- Damn. - What's wrong?

That was Ann Marie's teacher.

Said she's gonna have to hold her back.

Oh, that's too bad, Carla.

Oh, don't worry about it, Carla. It's just as bad to skip a grade.

You skipped a grade, Coach?

I skipped four.

"High school," I think they called it.

Well, Carla, I hope being held back isn't going to be traumatic

for Ann Marie.

No, she's been held back twice already.

In her class picture, she looks like Snow White.

Hey, Coach, set me up with another beer, please.

Where Normie, Carla?

I got a great story to tell him.

Ain't my job to keep tabs on the walking beer keg.

Besides, who cares about your stupid story?

Thank you, Carla.

Coach, if you serve that beer any slower, it's gonna be vinegar

- before I quaff it. - Oh, didn't I tell you, Cliff?

I'm on the verge of setting a new monthly record

for fewest glasses broken.

That's great, Coach. How close are you?

Oh, I just have to make it to midnight without breaking seven glasses.

Holy Quixote, Coach, there must be

at least four inches of feathers down there.

Six inches, Cliffo.

You can't be too careful when you're going for a record.

Boy, Coach, I never thought I'd see the day you'd be working with a net.

And you never will.

Hi, honey.

So the camel says, "Pal, you get your own date."

- Evening, everybody. - Norm.

- Norman. - What's shaking, Norm?

All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

- So, what will it be? - I'll take a pitcher.

How about you, George? What do you want?

Hey, Normie, who's your funny friend here?

Oh, sorry. This is Cliff Clavin. George Foley.

- George. Pleasure. - Cliff. How are you?

We ran into each other down at unemployment.

No kidding. So, what line of work you out of now, George?

I was a tree surgeon. I had to quit because I fainted at the sight of sap.

In fact, I'm getting a little woozy right now.

Yeah, yeah. Very humorous, huh?

Yeah. Hey, Norm, I heard a great joke down by the sorting machine the--

Cliff ie, can this wait? George claims he can run the table on me

before I get my cue stick chalked.

Don't suppose you wanna put your money where your mouth is, big guy.

Tried it once, but the bills got soggy.

I like that guy, Cliff. He's funny.

Coach, the rest of us are laughing out of pity at the man's ugliness.

He looks like one of those gnarled, grotesque creatures you might find

in a cave 20 miles beneath the surface of the sea.

Come to think of it, he didn't say where he was from.

You know what I hate about working here?

I know what I hate about working here,

but it couldn't be the same thing.

- Coach, two vodka rocks. - Two vodka rocks.

We never get the holidays off.

It's George Washington's birthday weekend,

and we're all going to be stuck here.

Sam won't.

This is when he goes away on his ski trip.

What ski trip?

Well, he and his baseball cronies go up to Vermont

the same week every year.

They rent a chalet, go skiing and melt a few snow bunnies.

Been doing it for years.

Well, of course he won't do it this year.

Why not?

Because he's involved with me now, Carla.

I know. But I still believe in the old Sam Malone.

I say he's still got some hair on his butt.

Perhaps, Carla, your desperate observations

accurately reflect the relationship between men and women

in the demimonde you inhabit,

but for those of us who no longer scrape our knuckles on the ground

when we walk...

...your views are incredibly primitive.

Says you.

Oh, Sam, listen--

Sam, what's the matter?

I just got a call from my Aunt Alice this afternoon.

Uncle Nathan died yesterday.

I'm so sorry.

What a shame, Sam. Was he sick long?

No, Coach, he was hit by a bus.

Well, that's comforting.

Honey, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to leave right now.

I gotta go to Vermont. The funeral's up there.

- Did you say Vermont? - Yeah.

My condolences in your time of sorrow.

Oh, thank you, Carla.

I was talking to Diane.

- Where in Vermont? - Stowe.

Stowe.

Isn't that a ski resort?

Yeah, I think there is one nearby there. Yeah.

Anyway, I gotta leave right now.

I'm gonna be gone a couple of days, honey.

Oh, this whole thing, I-- I don't know.

Sam, you must've been very close with your uncle.

Oh, yeah. Very, very close.

Well, I think I should come along.

I should be with you at a time like this.

Oh, no, no, I don't-- I think it'd just be too depressing for you, honey.

Anyway, I'm gonna be staying at my aunt's house,

and she doesn't believe in unmarried couples sleeping together.

We don't have to sleep together.

Why would you be coming, then?

To support you emotionally through this tragedy.

Oh, that. You are so sweet, but I just don't think it's a good idea.

- Oh, Coach. - Yeah, honey?

Sam says his Uncle Nathan up in Vermont just died.

Yep, he sure did.

- Do you believe that? - Well, of course, Diane. I mean,

they wouldn't make funeral arrangements if the man wasn't dead.

I think they got a test for that.

Hey, Coach, come on. Why don't you tell Diane the truth.

There is no Uncle Nathan.

Well, right. Sam's accepted it, so we all have to.

That guy is good.

Made me look like a big dope out there.

Oh, yeah? What did he do, turn the lights on?

- What's that supposed to mean, huh? - Oh, nothing.

Let me tell you that great story I was gonna--

- Right, right, right. - Norm.

We gotta get going if we're gonna catch the opening face-off.

Oh, right. We're going to the islanders game.

George has Bruin season tickets. Center ice, man.

Oh, yeah? Right smack in the middle, huh?

I hope you guys have a good time. You got plenty to laugh about, right?

Nice to meet you, Cliff.

Yeah, I hope you catch a puck.

In your Clavin.

Okay, honey, I'll call you in a couple days, okay?

Please convey my sympathy to your aunt.

Oh, I will. Thank you. That's very sweet.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Oh, Sam. - Yeah?

How long were your aunt and Uncle Nathan married?

How long?

Well, I don't know, 50-- 40, 50 years.

- I don't know. - My, my, my.

Must be very hard on her.

Oh, yeah. Oh, just imagine.

Okay, I'm off now.

Sam, do you know what the secret of a long-lasting relationship is?

No, I don't, Diane. But I will think about it as I drive along.

Okay?

It's honesty, Sam.

Once honesty leaves a relationship,

the relationship is over, finished, empty.

For example, if one of us were to lie to the other now,

it would be a crime of the soul, a death of the spirit.

Our lives would be diminished beyond redemption.

Diane, this is not one of the world's great goodbyes here.

Of course. You better go.

Be careful, huh?

There'll probably be a lot of skiers on the road,

and you know how careless and insensitive people on their way

to a ski weekend can be.

Okay, okay.

You're hanging by your fingernails, honey.

He'll be back before last call tonight.

You don't believe her either, huh, Coach?

No, Carla, I got feathers in my shoes.

I don't know how a chicken keeps a straight face.

- Coach, I need a draft. - One draft coming up.

Oh, careful. The record, Coach.

Carla, the record's in the bag.

I got less than four hours and five glasses to go.

Yeah, but don't get cocky.

Carla, I can't lose.

I've never broken five glasses in four hours in my life.

Here, watch this.

Coach, you swept out the feathers.

Carla, feathers are for chickens.

Here.

- All right, you made your point. - Made my point, Carla?

Watch this.

Coach, you know, you're only two away now.

Two away, Carla?

Do you know what I think of two away?

- What? - It scares the hell out of me.

Hey, Coach, you wanna give me another drink?

Well, Cliffo...

So, what's your problem, droopy drawers?

You've been moping around here all night

like a junior-high-school girl who just broke up with her steady.

Moping, Carla? I'm not moping.

Just spending a little quiet time by myself.

That's what a man is: solitary, strong, independent.

You ever hear of the lone wolf, Carla?

Lone wolf, c'est moi.

Man alone needing no one.

I touch no one, and no one touches me.

I'm a rock.

I'm an island.

- Evening, everybody. - Norm.

- Norman. - Beer, Normie?

Coach, I don't know. I had one this week.

What the heck, I'm young.

So who won the hockey game?

Bruins, eight-seven in overtime.

A real yawner, huh?

So where's Rootie Kazootie?

- Who, George? - Yeah.

Guy turned out to be a real jerk.

He saw some friends of his at the game, right?

End of the first period, he goes and sits with them, leaves me there.

Oh, that happens, Norm.

You know, friend turns against friend.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, what say, shoot some pool, huh?

What? You wanna shoot pool with me?

Hey, everybody, Norm has deigned to ask me to shoot pool with him.

Oh, Normie. Normie, do I have time to get down on my knees

and thank the very God I pray to that you selected me?

Okay, but hurry. I don't have-- We shouldn't lose that table there.

Norm, I just hope I can be

as delightful and effervescent a companion as you're used to.

Okay, this is, like, sarcasm, right?

Yeah, you're a real tack, Norm.

Cliff ie, I understand how you feel.

You're not second best, pal. You're aces.

Cliff, I'd be honored if you would shoot some pool with me. All right?

Come on. Really.

Well...

- Yeah, all right, but-- - Hey, Norm, where were you?

Georgie. My man!

- I looked all over the Garden for you. - All right. Go, Bruins!

Krushelnyski! The Crowder brothers!

Come on, let's go get a burger.

I know where they have the best in town.

All right. Scarf city.

George... Yeah, on second thought, I don't think I'll go.

- You sure, Norm? - Yeah. Not too hungry.

Okay, Norm, whatever you say. I'll go alone.

The best burgers in town, you say, huh?

Absolutely.

Yeah, boy, I'd love a good burger.

Glad to hear it.

You were gonna go with him, weren't you?

That jerk?

I was just trying to get his hopes up there, Norm.

So, what do you say we go back there and shoot some stick, eh?

All right. Only if you do that trick where you jam the pool cues

up your nostrils and make like a walrus.

Oh, right, right, yeah. I got a new twist on it.

I can get the fat ends in there now. Watch this.

It's true, you know.

The fat end, you say, huh?

Gee, we're almost out of olives. I wonder if Sam ordered any.

Oh, gee, Coach, why don't you just ask him?

Why, where's Sam?

Well, I thought that you said Sam was coming tonight, Diane.

He is, Carla.

He's probably just coming around the corner right down the stairs

at this moment.

Oh, well, then I should hurry right over there and greet him.

Open the door for my boss on his return.

- Hello there, Sam. - Hi, Carla.

Ski weekend, right?

- What? - Oh, come on.

I was three miles away from my aunt's house.

Three miles, and all of a sudden it came to me.

Ski weekend, huh? Come on, am I right?

I'm sorry, Sam, I'm a little confused. What ski weekend?

Oh, come on. Somebody probably told you that I used to go skiing

with my buddies on this weekend.

Now that you mention it, I believe Carla said something about that.

I knew it. I knew it.

- Coach, two drafts. - Two drafts.

And all of a sudden, because of that, you decide that I'm lying

about my Uncle Nathan, huh?

Well, for a moment there, I was a trifle suspicious.

That is totally, totally silly, honey.

That ski weekend is part of my past.

Hey, come on, what kind of guy with a swell chick like yourself

would go fool around?

Anyway, even when I was on that ski weekend,

I didn't fool around that much.

So even if I were, I wouldn't be doing it as much as you think,

and I'm not, so it's even less, or none.

So...

You feel okay now?

I was never not okay.

You weren't? Well, great. Great.

Boy, what a silly misunderstanding this was, huh?

- Sam. - What?

There was never a misunderstanding.

I knew the truth the whole time.

Well, that's great. That's great. Well, I'm off again.

Okay.

Because if you were going to lie about this weekend,

you certainly would've come up with something a lot smarter

than this uncle's-funeral thing.

What do you mean by that?

I could check on it in a minute.

All I'd have to do is call up the local newspaper

and ask them to check on their death notices for the last few days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Everybody knows that.

Okay, well, I gotta skedaddle.

I got a funeral waiting for me.

Don't we all.

Well, slats, you blew it again.

This time, he's gone.

He'll be back within the hour.

Damn tropical drinks.

Gee, Coach, it's too bad about the record.

Yeah, we were really pulling for you, Coach.

Yeah, and I came so close.

But don't worry about it, everybody.

I still got a personal record I'm very proud of.

What's that?

Eleven consecutive days without starting a major fire.

Diane.

It's almost closing time.

You said that Sam would be back before closing time.

Damn!

Okay, let's you and me stop playing games, huh?

Alms. Alms for the dink.

Poor devil.

Hey, would you just leave me alone, please, all of you?

You know, I was almost all the way up there this time before it hit me.

You don't believe me. I know it.

You don't believe me, and I think that is rotten, really rotten.

I--

Sam, I've never seen you like this. You're acting crazy.

And it's so late now you're even going to miss your uncle's funeral tomorrow.

Well, just tell me, how do you expect me to enjoy a funeral

when you're making me nuts like this, huh?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Like hell you don't. Every time I walk through that door,

you say something to make me drive all the way back down.

I've been on that road so many times they changed the sign

to "Welcome to Vermont, Sam."

What are you accusing me of, Sam?

I'm accusing you of accusing me of being a liar.

I mean, all that crap about calling the newspaper.

You just said that to get me crazy, huh?

I mean, you and I both know that you wouldn't make that call, would you?

Would you?

You did it! Oh, God, you called them!

I can't believe that.

Now you know there's no funeral, there's no Nathan Malone.

God, what a stupid name, Nathan. I shouldn't have said Nathan.

Sam.

- Sam. - What?

I didn't call.

- You didn't? - No.

Well, then I look like an idiot.

No argument there.

Okay. Okay, okay, all right, all right. I better tell you the truth.

That'd be nice.

Diane,

I work for the government.

What are you talking about?

I am on a top-secret mission for my country.

You are an idiot.

No, no, that's just my cover.

Well, come on, you've been playing games with me all day too, huh?

You're right. Don't you think you deserve it?

Deserve it? You know what--?

You're talking to me like a mother talks to her child.

Don't you think you've been acting like a child?

Don't use that tone of voice on me. I hate that. Don't.

- What tone is that, Sam? - That one right there.

I hate it.

Okay, fine.

Here's a different tone.

You slime!

- What? - How dare you lie to me like that!

I had to lie to you. You kidding me?

You made me lie to you.

Okay, all right. All right. Just tell me.

What would you have said if I said to you,

"Honey, I just wanna go on a semi-harmless ski weekend

with my buddies"?

That's it.

I've had enough.

I don't care what you do. I just don't wanna have to look

at your big, flabby face anymore.

You can fool around with every woman in Vermont.

I don't care.

Is that a fact? Well, I'll tell you something.

You know, that's exactly, exactly, what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go on my ski weekend, and I'm gonna have every girl in Vermont,

even the bowsers.

Go. By all means, go.

Have all New England, for all I care.

Maybe I'll just do that.

Just mull this over on your ride up to paradise.

There happens to be a certain box boy at my market.

A sinewy youth who always wants to carry my bags,

if you know what I mean.

Perhaps, just perhaps, I'll go over there tomorrow...

...and not demur at his subtle, yet oh-so-unequivocal, advances.

Yeah, you do that, Diane.

And I'll try real hard to give a damn.

Holy mackerel, I forgot to ask him about the olives.

Don't worry. He'll be back in ten minutes.

I say five, Carla.

Maybe even sooner.

A box boy?