Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Hey. - Norm!

How's a beer sound, Norm?

I don't know, Coach. I usually finish them before they get a word in.

Hey, Normie, aren't you a little bit dressed up

just to come in here and suck on taps all night?

Cliff ie, if you must know, I have other plans for this evening.

I have a date.

- Who is it? - I don't know. It's a blind date.

Dangerous, dangerous.

Walking into a minefield there, boy.

No, no, no. A friend of mine set us up.

He assures me the woman's perfect for me.

That's what they all say.

Let me guess. Said she had good table manners,

great personality and excellent posture, right?

Sure, they always make it sound good.

As a matter of fact, Cliff ie, he told me that she was easy on the eyes.

You're a dead man, Norm.

- Hey. - Where do you want it?

Want what? Hey, wait. Wait a second. I didn't order that.

- Cheers, right? - Yeah.

Coach, did you buy this?

No, not me, Sam.

You got your name here on the invoice.

Well, it's gotta be some kind of mistake.

Why would I buy a crate?

It's an antique scale, Coach.

Yeah, I bought the scale, Sam.

But, gee, now that I look at it, I'm kind of disappointed.

Mister, we're in a hurry. Can you sign it?

Yeah. Coach, why'd you do this?

I've told you 100 times,

please, don't buy anything for the bar without checking with me first.

Gee, I'm sorry, Sam. That salesman, I just couldn't resist him.

I mean, he had a way about him.

One of those fast-talkers?

No, no, no. He was a big tall, skinny guy, you know, with a beard.

He reminded me of somebody in history, a president.

The guy who freed the slaves?

- Abraham Lincoln? - That's it.

Only this guy, he wasn't nice at all.

As a matter of fact,

he was kind of mean. He reminded me of that little guy in Germany

with the mustache, World War ll.

Adolf Hitler?

Boy, don't play trivia with this guy.

Coach, you mean this guy was a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler?

Normie, I don't know. I just wanna tell you, he was strange, Normie.

He was all dressed in black, and his eyes shined like coals.

And he had this deep voice, see? And he said to me,

"This scale will not only tell you your weight,

but it will tell you your destiny."

- He had an accent? - No.

Then why did you say it like, "your weight" and "your destiny."

Just a little color, Carla.

Well, whatever. I'm calling this guy and telling him we don't want it.

Oh, Sam, isn't your curiosity piqued? I'd like to see what it looks like.

And that destiny thing must mean it's one of those scales

- that tells your fortunes. - Oh, all right, open it.

- Oh, goody. - But I'm still sending it back.

Coach, give Norman a screwdriver, please.

Hey, I got a big date here. I don't wanna get pits.

Oh, come on, it won't be that hard.

It's all right, Norm. We'll stop you before your shoes get squishy.

Oh, now, let me give you an opening hint

from a guy who's opened a lot of these rascals here.

If you smack this baby right about here, I think, Normie,

it'll open up like a big walnut.

That's the epicenter of the fulcrum, as I remember.

Yeah, you better step back here, Diane.

This thing will shear your kneecaps right off.

Here?

- Cliff ie. - Cliff?

Cliff, you all right?

I can't find my shoes, Clyde. I think the dog got them.

Sit right here. Here we go.

No, there you go. There you go.

Let's get her out.

Oh, ain't that nice?

Oh, Sam, I like it. Can we keep it? Can we keep it?

Well, I'm afraid we're gonna have to.

The number's been disconnected, and there's no new number.

The guy's obviously a con man, Coach.

I knew it. I knew he was a con man the minute I laid eyes on him.

Well, as a collector of antiques,

I think the scale might someday be worth what you paid for it.

Or a fraction thereof.

Well, Sam, the salesman also said-- He said,

"This scale is not being made anymore,

and this one was in a cellar for over 40 years."

Coach, you shouldn't have bought it.

Well, this has been fun, but I gotta get going on my blind date.

Normie, Normie, listen, get on the scale. Weigh yourself.

See how you're gonna make out tonight.

Oh, come on. It certainly doesn't have any fortunes left after all these years.

Do you ever get tired of being wrong?

It says, 'Your most troublesome problem will soon be solved."

Hey, Norm, sounds like you're gonna get a trim on the old antlers tonight?

- Norm? - Yeah?

What's your most troublesome problem?

Well, that's tough to say, Coach.

Let's see, I'm overweight, unemployed,

separated, depressed, starting to drink too much.

Guess my biggest problem is I've never been happier.

- Okay, I'm going next. - No, wait, men in uniform first, Carla.

Sam, Sam. See, they love it. I mean, this thing's gonna be bigger

than that amusement park in California.

The one with the mouse and the duck and...

Disneyland.

You're tough, Sam, but I'm gonna get you.

Sanderson Florist.

What's the occasion there, Sam?

It's for Diane.

Did she die?

Of course not.

Is she dying? Is she suffering in any way? Throw me a bone.

No, no, no. She's just gonna be mad

because I didn't take her to some stupid art show last night.

Flowers is the only way to calm her down.

Yeah, hi, Sanderson Florist?

There's my guy.

Give me a big smoocheroo.

You're not mad about last night?

Oh, of course not. I just missed you so, you big lug.

Keep up the good work.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Hey, Norm!

What's up, Normie?

The corners of my mouth, Coach.

Sounds like that blind date paid off, huh?

Yeah, well, turns out my buddy played a little trick on me.

- Yeah? - Guess who the date turns out to be?

My ex, Vera.

Anybody ready for the punch line?

We're back together again.

- Oh, Norman, that's wonderful. - Congratulations, Norm.

I feel so good about it, I'd like to set up the entire bar.

But since that's financially impossible,

I'll just settle for buying my buddy Cliff here a drink.

Oh, why, thank you, Norm.

Chivas on the rocks, Coach.

What, 12-year-old Scotch?

I was thinking more like a beer, you know?

Come on, Norm. This is great news. You got Vera back.

Yeah, Vera. Not Nastassja Kinski. Vera.

- Beer, Coach, please. - Normie, Normie, tell me, what's it like

to go out on a blind date, and then you find out it's your own wife?

Well, we were both kind of nervous at first, you know?

Then we split some clams casino and a little Chateaubriand,

a bottle of her favorite wine.

Next thing you know, we went back to what used to be our place,

and we kind of made love.

Wait, wait, you can't "kind of" make love, Norm.

You don't know Vera.

Oh, my God!

- What? - It's happening. It's happening.

Sam, she's losing what's left of her gray matter.

And I don't mean your underwear, Carla.

Come here, come on. What's wrong?

It's his fortune.

The machine said that Norm's worst problem

was gonna be solved, and he's back with Vera.

Carla, that was entirely fortuitous.

You're absolutely right, Diane.

And my little card said that I would be hearing from a distant loved one.

Sure enough, not a half-hour later, my daughter in Pennsylvania calls me.

No, no, no. That's doesn't count, Coach.

She always calls you.

Yeah. Pennsylvania's not that distant, Coach.

No, no, no, Cliff ie. She called me from California. She's on vacation there.

Oh, it had nothing to do with your fortune, Coach.

And neither did what happened to Norman.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, well, then how about this?

My fortune said, "Time waits for no one."

So last night, I get home late,

and my kids had started a grease fire cooking their own dinner.

Now, explain that.

Easy. You're an idiot.

Look.

There are things that you eggheads can't explain away in this world.

Listen, nothing and nobody controls what happens to us.

Wait a minute, Sam. You had a lucky piece when you pitched out there.

Yeah, well, a lot of good it did me.

Listen, Cliff.

The only battles I ever won in life, I won on my own.

Sam, that was brilliantly put.

Well, actually, you said that to me just a few days ago.

Yes, I know, but you remembered it, and you used it in the proper context.

Yeah, yeah, they should carve his face on a mountain.

Look, Sammy, you've been hanging around with Diane here for so long

you can't see the facts in front of your nose.

This machine has powers.

I guess I should get right on then and see

what the future holds for Miss Diane Chambers.

Don't joke about this.

What on earth are you doing?

I am warding off the evil spirits, and if you weren't so stupid,

you'd be doing the same thing.

Preposterous.

Well, what's the card say, Diane?

What difference does it make? It's a joke.

"Deception in romance proves costly."

There. See? Now, you all know how Diane feels about honesty.

Yeah, she likes it.

- Yeah, honest as the day is long. - Absolutely.

Now, can we all go back to work, please?

Good idea.

Cliff ie. Cliff ie.

- You all right? - You okay?

That's $20 postage due, sir.

And how are we today?

Cliff, you're at Cheers.

Cheers? Yes, sir, I know where that is.

Cliff! Cliff!

- Oh, Normie, hey. - You all right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I think I just bruised my knee.

I hope I'll be able to do my postal route tomorrow.

Yeah, you wanna get an x-ray or something?

No.

I'll just check it out here.

Let's see.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Cliff,

you got a fortune from that machine yesterday, right? What was it?

What was it?

Cliff, did it say anything about slipping, falling down stairs, anything like--?

Oh, I remember. It was, "Talk to bigwigs."

What "ooh"?

I don't know. Yet. But there must be a connection.

I don't think you're in the ballpark on this one, Carla.

Oh, wait, wait, I got it!

Bigwig, right?

Who is the biggest bigwig of them all?

Sinatra!

No, even bigger.

- Ronald Reagan. - No, no, no. Bigger, bigger.

Sinatra!

I don't know.

If you ask me who really runs this country,

I think it's the big oil companies.

Like, I don't know, who runs Texaco?

Well, at my station, it's Dave and his son Herbie.

Machmoud does the windows.

Yeah, well, you can't get much bigger than Herbie, Dave and Machmoud?

I am talking about God.

God is the biggest wig of them all.

Cliff,

did you pray before you left the house this morning?

No.

There you go. If you had prayed, none of this would have happened.

Oh, come on. If you guys are gonna stretch things this far,

then you could make anything out of those fortunes.

Hey, I hope there's nothing to this, because mine was bad.

Well, what was it?

It said, "Your valuables are in jeopardy," or something like that.

I'll show it to you. It's in my wallet.

Somebody lifted my wallet.

Carla, will you please take it easy? He'll owe you the tip.

Yeah, well, how do you explain that there, Sammy?

I found it. Here it is.

Yeah, what do you say about that now, Carla?

Well, it makes no difference.

The machine has been right up until now. I say it's evil, evil, evil!

It heard me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hey, I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Forgive me. I didn't mean it.

Stop, would you? Everybody's looking. Come on, Carla. Hey, hey, come on.

Listen, I don't wanna hear any more about this. The scale is not magic.

You can't take it seriously. And I'll tell you something.

It's a sad world we live in

when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

What am I talking for? Come here, Diane. Diane's the one who talks good.

Come on. Tell them how dumb they're being. Come on, sweetheart.

You're being dumb.

Had enough, huh?

Well...

...guess I'd better get one more, just to make sure it's safe to go home.

I can't look. Sam, would you read it for me?

But don't read it if it's terrible.

No, this is okay.

"You will grow lips on your forehead."

Very funny, very funny.

Oh, it's okay.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Good night, Carla. Good to see you again.

Keep it up. Keep it up. You'll pay.

Bye-bye.

- Night, Sam. - Night, Coach.

What are you doing?

I just wanna see if I've gained any weight lately.

You didn't. Now get off of there.

What's wrong? You know, you've been acting strange all day.

I've been acting fine. Come on, now, let's go home.

- Well, let me just get my weight first. - Sam, don't!

Will you please tell me what's going on?

I mean, you're coming unglued here.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

That scale has me spooked.

You're kidding me. You're the last person I expect

to fall for that voodoo stuff.

Do you remember that fortune I got today?

No.

"Deception in romance proves costly."

So?

I took another man to that show last night.

You mean like a guy?

At least pay attention.

He's a classmate of mine. A male classmate.

So you took some pimply, book-faced wimp from school. Big deal.

His complexion is almost as clear as mine, and we had a wonderful time.

At the performance.

Yes.

Well, of course he took me home.

And?

I invited him in. We had coffee. He left. That was it.

Instant coffee...

...or did you grind the beans?

It wasn't the same as it is with you. I didn't grind them fine.

You did grind the beans, huh?

All we did was talk.

You didn't kiss him?

Oh, I kissed him good night, but it was nothing.

It was barely on the lips, way over to the side, up by the cheek, very dry.

I have to be honest.

It was so good to talk to someone.

I miss talking about the things I can't talk about with you.

I didn't wanna tell you because I knew you'd be angry.

- I'm not angry. - Oh, of course you're angry.

No, I'm not. As a matter of fact,

I'm kind of grateful. I think I see our relationship in a new light here.

The truth is, I don't fulfill all your needs,

and you don't fulfill all of mine.

So maybe we should call it quits.

What are you doing?

I have one innocent evening with a guy.

I come to you to make a clean breast of it,

and this is the reaction I get?

You're even less understanding than I feared you'd be.

Okay, fine, that does it. I want out of this.

Out of what? I already broke it off.

No, no, you said, "Maybe we should call it quits."

I'm saying it's definitely over.

Hey, I don't care what I said. In my mind, it was definite.

That ship has sailed, baby. Our relationship is through.

No, no, we're not through unless I say we're through.

We're through. Now we're through.

Hey!

I'm not gonna get in an argument about who broke up with who first

with somebody I broke up with first.

As a matter of fact, I'm not even gonna acknowledge your presence.

Is anybody here? Somebody I used to go with?

Oh, no, no, it's just Diane. Silly me.

Don't do this.

Too late, sweetheart. It's already done.

Sam, please.

Please don't joke about this.

I'm scared.

We can't break up because a pile of metal springs said we were going to.

There's too much at stake here.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

Tell me you didn't break up with me.

Oh, of course I didn't break up with you.

Then I'm first.

You are history.

Wait! You know, that-- That was--

Now I know why I broke up with you

a long time ago. Long, long before you broke up with me.

Who's talking there?

Oh, it's just my employer.

Sam?

- We got a fortune. - So?

Aren't you gonna read it?

No. What's the point?

Sam...

...our destiny may be in that card.

I know it. I can feel it.

You're crackers, you know that?

Then read it.

Okay. Fine.

Are you sure we should do this?

We've got to.

- There might be no other way. - All right. Okay.

"Machine empty. Order more fortunes today."