Original subtitles

Cheers was filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, Coach, someone just ordered one of your famous

- Kon Tiki Tikis. - No kidding, Carla.

Gee, I haven't made one of those in a long time.

- Yeah. - This is gonna be great.

Kon Tiki Tiki.

I love watching you make this drink, Coach.

It's like watching Beethoven play one of his own tunes, you know?

Thank you, Carla. Thank you.

There you go, Carla.

Coach, you forgot to blend it.

I'm sorry. Gee, you know, I haven't made one of these since last summer.

- I know. I know. - Okay.

Here we go.

Yeah, well, with the recent strides in genetic engineering--

I mean, we'll soon be faced with the possibility

of producing enormous farm animals to feed the hungry millions.

Now imagine, one cow to feed an entire city,

one egg making an omelet for an entire family.

Yeah, I mean, with the advances we're making today,

the future is limitless now.

So is his mouth.

Doesn't he ever shut up?

- Who? - Gabby, the wonder boob.

Is that humorous appellation supposed to refer to me there, friend?

Yeah.

You realize that your lips have been flapping for over an hour?

Give it a rest, pal, and give us a break.

- It doesn't seem fair, does it, Norm? - What?

That I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world

that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Watch your step, pal.

Well, I guess I did carve the guy up a little bit with my rapier wit, huh?

I'd better go scrape him up off the mat.

- Hey, listen, friend. - Yeah?

We sort of got off on the wrong foot there.

Why don't-- Why don't we go. I'll buy you a beer

and we'll talk it over like decent human beings, huh?

No, thanks. I don't like you.

How'd it go, Cliff ie?

I don't know, Norm.

The guy's taken an inexplicable personal dislike to me.

Must be deranged.

Sam.

Sam, have you filled in your football pool yet?

I gotta pick up the slips in half an hour.

I'm working on it, Coach.

I'm almost done with mine, Coach.

Good girl, Diane.

Yours?

What--? Why do you even bother to fill one out?

I mean, you don't even like football.

Well, I don't dislike it.

Believe it or not, Sam, I was on the pep squad

when I was in high school.

Some of my most stirring memories

are of cheering for whomever it was

to do whatever they were supposed to do

to whomever they were supposed to do it.

Boy, spirit like that can really fire a team up, huh?

Okay, now in the first contest--

Wait. Hey, Diane,

you don't know the first thing about football, you know that?

- Who won the pool last week? - I mean,

you've never even been to a pro game before.

- Who won last week? - You don't watch it on television,

- you haven't even listened to one-- - Who won?

All right, you won, you won, you won.

Okay? You won.

Anybody can win every once in a while.

Everybody gets lucky. It's the law of averages, that's all.

Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you won?

1974, but I've come close a lot of times since then.

A lot of times. It was a decade of upsets.

All right, all right, all right. You interested in winning consistently?

Sit down, watch and learn.

Okay?

My Sammy's putting on his thinking cap.

It's a wee, pointy little thing with earflaps.

But on you it looks roomy.

Okay, right now on the top of the page here,

Bears against the Dolphins.

Now,

we have a home-field advantage, which means that you gotta be--

Bears.

Bears, just like that?

Well, of course, Sam. A bear against a dolphin? Come on.

I mean, that's not even a fair fight.

Okay, now, what about those Dallas guys against Atlanta?

Okay, all right, all right. Atlanta, Atlanta.

What color uniforms do they wear?

Color?

Yes, the color will tell you the winner.

Red beats blue. Blue beats yellow.

- Yellow beats mauve. - Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait.

Are you telling me that you're gonna pick Atlanta over Dallas

because of the color of their uniforms?

Dallas, who up until last week, had won six games in a row?

- Who beat them last week? - Washington.

And what color was Washington wearing?

None of your business.

Gee, Diane, the laws of probability are very complex.

Indeed, indeed.

Yeah, Normie, professors at Heidelberg University

have recently done studies to try and predict

the reoccurrence of albino gerbils--

Oh, God, it's time for the Mickey Mouth Club again.

Buddy, you don't know anything,

so why don't you shut up before you prove it.

Cliff,

I'm ashamed to know you

if you don't go and stand up to that guy.

No. Come on. Let it ride, Carla. Will you?

- What, are you scared? - No, I'm not scared.

I just don't wanna start a fight over a few hasty words, all right?

Cliff, come here. Come here.

Look, you won't have to fight him.

You just have to back him down a notch.

Trust me. I have been in a lot of fights and I've seen a lot of fights,

and believe me, fighting is the last thing on his mind.

You just call him out, stare at him eyeball-to-eyeball

and watch him crumble.

Yeah, like two fighters. They stare each other down before the bout.

You got it.

The name of the game is intimidation.

Real men have been doing it for centuries.

And believe me, it can work for guys like you too.

You think it'll work, huh?

I'm positive. That guy is a blowhard.

Hey, you want me to do it for you?

Hey, look, I can do it myself. All right?

Sam, Sam. Will you do something about this?

About what?

Carla is provoking Cliff into a physical confrontation

with that lout.

Cliff, I told you I don't want anything more violent in my bar

than an occasional love nibble.

It'll never work with this guy.

Look. Look, Sammy-- Look, it's all right.

There's not gonna be any fisticuffs in your bar.

I'm just gonna go over to the guy, stare him down.

He is gonna be the first one to blink.

- Mark my words. - Wait, wait, man.

Hey, no, Sam. Sam, it's something I gotta do, all right?

The gauntlet has been thrown down.

Hey,

beagle-breath...

You better not be talking to me, pal.

If you don't like the way I talk,

maybe there's something you'd like to do about it.

I'd be glad to. Let's go outside.

You got it.

I'll pay my check and I'll be right behind you.

Did he blink and I missed it?

Don't you worry, Cliffo.

He knows you're not afraid of him now and he's worried.

Sure. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned tail and run by now.

No, Norm, he's out there right now taking off his shirt.

Nice upper-body development.

Well, there just comes a time when you gotta draw the old line.

- Cliff, where are you going? - Home.

Cliff? You're going through Melville's?

Well, yeah, Sam, I think it's the duty of every citizen

to learn all the emergency entrances and exits in a public place

in case of, you know, an emergency, like atomic holocaust.

- What a chicken. - Yeah, but what a citizen.

Well, how did my Sammikins do at football pool?

- Well, not so great. - I'll get them.

But I wasn't the only one.

Oddsmakers took a real beating yesterday.

Nothing went according to form.

- How many did you get? - I don't know. Let's see.

Three, four, five, six.

Six out of 13. This is not so bad.

- This is... - Yeah, okay. All right, all right. Five.

Four. All right, four.

Poor Sam.

Poor Sam? Are you kidding me? Poor everybody.

No win day. Upsets right across the board.

Hey, I defy anybody to predict how most of those games turned out.

How'd you do?

Well, I'm afraid I didn't do very well either--

Oh, yeah?

I went entirely with cities whose symphonies are led

by foreign-born conductors.

- You're kidding, aren't you? - No.

I bet you did great with that system, huh?

Well, not really. I only got 11.

Well, the heck you did. You...

You got 12.

Twelve out of 13.

You're right. I miscounted.

Yeah, and not only that,

the one you missed, you missed by a mile here.

I tell you, there's a new rule around here.

All blond waitresses out of the pool. That's it.

You don't get to bet on football anymore.

I'll tell you something. You are destroying the sport of football.

Okay, fine,

if it's so important to you.

But this makes it impossible for me to test out my theory on state flowers.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Cliff.

I'd like you to meet my post office pal here, Lewis.

Lewis, this is Carla, Sammy, Coach, Norm.

- Hi, Lewis. - The whole gang.

- Pleasure to meet you. - Glad to meet you.

- Can we have a couple beers, Coach? - Got it.

So, what do you got the muscle for, huh, Cliff?

What are you talking about muscle, Carla? Lewis and I go way back.

Yeah. Enjoy, Lewis. Enjoy.

- Thanks, Chris. - It's Cliff.

My pleasure.

So, Lewis, you look like an athlete. You play football or anything?

Little bit. Mostly I'm a fighter.

You're--?

You're a fighter?

Boy, you think you know a guy all these years,

and he can still surprise you like that, huh?

I didn't know you were a fighter, Lewis.

Well, that's what you asked for in your ad up on the bulletin board.

Oh, Lewis the kidder. That's what we call him.

Yeah, hi, it's Sam. I wanna put $200 on tonight's game.

Yeah, wait, wait. Maybe you can help me out here.

Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower,

the Mountain Lily or the Black-eyed Susan?

How am I supposed to know Leslie Uggams?

Don't...

Don't get me wrong. You know,

it's not like I think all black people know each other.

It's just-- You know,

all good-looking people with lots of warmth...

Can I have another beer, Coach?

Round one!

Hey, come on, Carla. You know I'm a man of peace.

I'm perfectly willing to let bygones be bygones.

But if, on the other hand,

certain of my loud-mouthed brethren was to start trouble,

that's their business.

Scotch.

Norm, did you hear about the studies being done over at Johns Hopkins

about the Y chromosome of persistent bar troublemakers?

Yeah, they found a striking similarity between that

and chronic droolers and idiots.

Okay, that's it.

Shut up, friend, and step outside.

And this time you're going first so you can't give me the slip.

Well, I'd really like to,

but I think that'd be rather rude to my enormous friend, Lewis.

What's the problem?

Wait, I got no quarrel with you, pal. It's--

It's this guy here that's getting on my nerves.

Oh, yeah? And what exactly is it about him that bothers you?

I don't know.

The fact that he comes on as such an authority on everything.

- Hey! It's a free country. - I know. I know it's a free country.

But it bugs me. I mean, he's got an opinion on every subject.

He never shuts up.

You know,

he does the same thing down at the post office.

But nobody ever thinks about beating him up over it.

Yeah. Well, you know, his whole attitude rubs me the wrong way.

- You know? - Yeah, I know what you mean.

Them kind of guys just do it to you.

Who knows why.

- Well, actually, sociologists-- - Shut up, Clint.

It's Cliff. Would you like another beer, Lewis?

No. I don't think so.

I think I'm going home.

- Let me give you a ride. It's awfully-- - No, no, no.

I don't want my neighbors seeing me come home in a Studebaker.

Now, then.

I believe...

...we were gonna step outside.

All right.

All right.

All right, look,

I'm a black belt in karate and my hands are lethal weapons.

Karate. Can you believe this guy?

I'll tell you what, I'll give you a chance to get out of here.

I'm gonna go in the back and play a little pool.

You can say goodbye to your friends.

But listen,

if you're still here when I get back,

we're going outside if I have to drag you there.

Karate, Cliff?

For crying out loud! God!

What is wrong with that?

I think Clifford has shown excellent judgment.

Give me a break.

It's the oldest cop-out in the world.

Every sweetheart who wants to duck out of a fight says,

"I know karate."

Well,

that's where you're wrong, Carla.

I've been studying secretly now for several years.

Yeah, very secretly,

considering none of us ever heard a word out of you about it.

Yeah, we've heard a word out of you about everything.

Well, it's something we don't like to talk about.

You just don't brag about it, because it's spiritual attainment.

What? What? What?

Sam, Cliff, very prudently in my judgment,

has refrained from taking advantage of that combative mesomorph

with his superior knowledge of karate.

- Right. - Karate? Cliff?

Et tu, Sammy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Cliff,

were you serious?

Hey, Cliff ie, I hate to ask, but if you do know karate,

why did you have to bring Lewis in with you?

Well, there's a very good reason for that, Coach.

It's to scare off the other guy.

See,

it's one of our major precepts, to always stay out of a fight

- if humanly possible. - All right.

Well, I for one believe you, Clifford.

And I do too, Cliff ie.

And I believe you, Cliff.

I believe you are a big dink.

Hey, Kung Fool,

I thought I told you to get lost.

What are you gonna do, pal, throw all my customers out of my bar?

Hey, I'm not looking for trouble, Sam,

but this guy knows I don't like him, and he's been pushing me.

If he'll admit that he's a coward and a liar,

I'll walk away and never bother him anymore.

Come on, what's the point?

Admit it, coward,

or get out of here.

Are you happy, pal? You proved your point?

Why don't you get out of here, huh?

Hey, look, I'm sorry, Sam.

The guy just brings out the worst in me.

Poor Cliff.

- I wonder if he'll ever come back. - I wouldn't if I was him.

- I don't believe this. - Sam, can I knock off now?

- Yeah. I'll catch up with you later. - Okay.

Hey, Cliff.

Well, if you're planning to hit him with those, you're too late. He left.

These aren't for him, Carla,

these are for you, my so-called friends.

Gee, thanks, Cliff, I need a brick.

Cliff ie, where did you get that stuff?

The construction site next door, Normie.

I'm gonna give you a demonstration

of what might would've happened to that guy

if I hadn't kept a hood on my anger.

Sam, what's he doing with his shoe off?

Hey, man, you don't have to do this.

Listen, I-- This is nothing to go fooling around with.

He is not fooling around. He's a black belt.

All right, just a second.

I'm not gonna get a splinter or anything, am I?

Just keep a good grip on that, Normie.

You know, Cliff, you're really crazy. This thing is solid.

Yeah, it's just the way I like them, Carla.

Solid.

- Oh, my-- - Bravo.

Get that sucker back in here.

Get that sucker back in here.

Now that I've proved my point,

goodbye to you all forever.

Come on, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff,

come on back in here and let us set you up, huh?

- Please come back. - All right.

All right, but I'd like to have a little word with Diane here first.

All right. All right.

Diane, look, I've never taken a karate lesson in my life.

Would you get me to a hospital quick?

Good night, everyone.

Cliff is--

He's going to walk me to my car for my protection.

Yeah, anybody got a problem with that?

- No. - No.