Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Hello, everyone. - Oh, hi, Diane.

Hey, Coach.

You know how Sam is always complaining

that I'm not spontaneous?

Yeah, he always goes something like,

"Diane, can't you be more spontaneous?"

At any rate, it really irritates me.

It irritates me too, especially when he goes like that.

Coach,

Sam doesn't do that, you do that.

That doesn't make it any less irritating.

Today, I am going to do something unequivocally spontaneous.

- May I have the phone, please? - Spontaneous phone.

A classmate in my Samoan Literature class

told me about a 200-year-old country inn

hidden in an island off the coast of Maine

that you have to be ferried to.

By the time the weekend is over,

he'll think of the Pequod as our place.

Yes, I'd like a room for Malone.

Yes, that's right. Sam Malone.

His usual room?

Diane, if you're looking for a place to stay,

there's a lovely little inn up in Vermont

my wife and I used to drive to all the time.

- What inn? - In my station wagon.

Diane, Vera and I once went to this really beautiful,

romantic old place called the Fairview in New Hampshire.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, really romantic.

I mean, they don't have any telephones or televisions.

Just have these old fireplaces and these romantic, old featherbeds--

Antiques, I think.

So you really have to snuggle right up there to your loved one.

Best part about it for me was they had

this beautiful old, romantic circular driveway, you know?

So I didn't even have to stop.

I just rolled through and yelled, "Cancel Peterson."

Hey, everybody.

- Oh, Sam. - Hi, Sam.

How would you like to go away with me this weekend

- to a country inn? - What inn?

You're welcome to use my station wagon.

- Excuse me? - It's a long story.

I haven't decided where we'll stay yet, but I want to pick a place

you've never been. And we'll leave tonight.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

I am in the worst mood of my entire life,

so watch out, don't bug me and stay out of my way.

This is the only warning you're gonna get.

Oh, come on, Carla, turn that frown upside down.

Carla!

- Carla! - Come on! Carla! Carla!

Come on. Easy. Easy.

Come on. Take it-- Go easy! Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Norman, are you all right?

I'm just glad I could be here for her.

Something's really bothering Carla, huh?

The man knows women.

Listen, maybe one of us should go in there and talk to her, huh?

- Who? - All right.

I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Now stop showing off, will you, Cliff ie?

We got a real problem here.

Coach, I'll go in and talk to her.

I may be a little while here and I don't wanna be disturbed,

so if I get any phone calls, just take a message.

Hello. I'm Dr. Paul Kendall.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist

specializing in violent situations and crisis behavior.

I can help that woman.

Excuse me.

Hello, Carla. My name is Dr. Paul Kendall.

I'm a licensed psychotherapist.

Oh, hey.

- You all right? - I never saw her coming.

I think she dropped from the ceiling.

Why don't you just sit down over there.

- We'll buy you a drink. - Okay, that's it. I'll take over.

- Coach, maybe-- - I'll do it. Let me do it, Sam.

Listen, I know Carla. I know Carla like the back of my hand.

What the hell is that?

I never noticed that before.

Coach, maybe you ought to let her cool down.

Cliff ie, what's this on the back of my hand?

I think...

...that Carla, very likely,

has the kind of problem with which only another woman can help.

Carla? This is Diane.

There really is such a thing as sisterhood.

Come on in.

We women stand together.

I think even leaders of nations could learn a great deal...

...by observing the women of America--

Look, you always claim you know the answers to everything.

Well, I'm calling your bluff.

I am going to give you a chance to handle my problem.

I'll give you 30 seconds.

If you blow it, I am sending you back out there,

and your face stays here.

Fair enough.

My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight.

Here's the invite.

How terrible for you. I understand completely.

You've never really stopped loving him.

I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears.

That's my spit.

I don't love that rat, and I never did.

Sure, there were little things that I loved about him,

like the way he flexed his tattoo.

The way the hair grew in his ears.

The way he drooled in bed.

Carla...

...are you sure there's nothing left between you?

Nothing.

I'm just ticked because he's marrying the dish,

and he's rubbing my nose in it.

He even sent a picture of her with the invitation. Get a load of that.

She's naked.

So? So is he.

I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas.

Anyway, he's got this foxy new broad,

and I can't even get a date for his wedding.

I thought you were seeing someone.

His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.

Well, then take someone else.

If you want to play this game with Nick,

then take somebody and pretend he's your fella.

Someone who will make Nick jealous.

That's good.

Someone tall and handsome. A hunk.

- Maybe Sam-- - Great idea! I'm saved. I'm saved!

--Knows somebody. Maybe Sam knows somebody.

Sam. Sam, Diane had this great idea.

- No, I didn't. - Don't be modest.

Nick is getting remarried tonight.

- So that's what this is all about, huh? - Yeah, yeah.

Well, anyway, Diane said that you should be my date

for the wedding tonight to show Nick that I'm better than he is.

No, I didn't. It's a lunatic idea.

Hey, hey, honey, listen.

- I'm going away for the weekend. - That's right.

Why don't you pick somebody else here?

I'm strapped for time and, besides, you're the best-looking guy in this bar.

- Got you there. - Best-looking guy in the city.

- Best-looking guy in the state. - No, he's not.

As a matter of fact, there's a great-looking guy

who used to drink in here. I think his name was Clifford Clavin.

Hey. I'm Clifford Clavin.

Oh, my God. What did you do to yourself?

- He used to look like Tyrone Power. - You mean, I lost my looks?

No, I think you're thinking of Cliff Clemens.

You've never looked any better than this.

That's a relief. Thank you, Norm.

Hello, Carla.

Oh, my God, it's Nick.

I'll be with you in a minute.

What do you say, Sammy? Please, please, please.

Carla. Carla.

It would be a transparent charade.

Carla, I-- I'm not-- Hey, come on, I know how you and Nick are.

I don't wanna get in the middle of that.

Thanks a lot.

Nick. What are you doing here?

I had a feeling you weren't gonna show up at the wedding.

And I want you to meet my fiancée, Loretta,

and see for yourself that the photos were not retouched.

More than I can say for Loretta.

Watch your mouth.

Loretta, this is Carla,

who I divorced for obvious reasons.

Look, Nick, I'm gonna make your day.

You're right. I am not coming to your wedding.

No. I'm aghast.

- You knew it the whole time. - Sure I knew.

You wouldn't wanna be humiliated with all those people whispering,

"Boy, look how much better Nick did this time."

Carla, honey, are you sure you won't change your mind?

I think we could have a lot of fun at this wedding.

What about the weekend in the country?

Well, you two can go away after the ceremony.

This wedding's special.

What do you say, huh?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- You and Sam, you're a couple? - Well, yeah.

She put up quite a fight, but I finally got her.

Sam, I thought you was cool.

That's us, honey. I guess the cabby's getting tired of waiting.

Yeah, I don't wanna make him angry.

- See you two at the wedding, huh? - Yeah, we'll be there, Nick.

This is eerie.

- Thank you, Sam. Thank you. - Okay?

You sure this is okay with you, Diane?

Certainly.

It really stirred my ire just watching that bait bucket.

I know.

He still has it, doesn't he?

Boy, I don't know how to thank you guys for hanging around here.

You know, I always get so nervous when Sam isn't here

and I have to cash out by myself.

- You came pretty close tonight. - How close, Normie?

You're only off $16,000.

I never had an accounting course in my life.

Yeah, you just got a flair for it, Coach.

Thanks, Normie.

Coach, listen, I'm going home to pack.

When Sam gets back from the wedding,

- will you tell him something for me? - Sure, honey, good night.

Coach, I didn't tell you what to tell him.

Well, I'll think of something.

Tell him that I'll be back as soon as I'm packed,

and we'll leave on our trip.

- We'll tell him. - Good night.

So I'm not a pretty boy.

My father wasn't a pretty boy either.

- He was a beautiful man, Norm. - Oh, yeah.

- You know what I'm talking about? - Absolutely.

I mean, beautiful inside.

Just a beautiful-- If you could've seen that man's insides...

Yeah, next time he has an operation, let me know.

Hey, how was the wedding?

- Oh, it was so great. - Yeah?

Normie, if there is such a thing as perfect, this was better.

Yeah?

- Sam kept putting his arm around me. - Yeah.

- Hugging me. - Yeah.

- Whispering in my ear. - So did Nick notice?

Notice? During the ceremony, he threw the ring at us

and yelled, "Pay attention!"

So, Coach, how did we do tonight, huh?

Well, the total's a little off, Sam, you know.

Twenty, 30,000?

- Sixteen. - Hey!

Way to go, guy. You're bucking for a promotion here.

If it happens, it happens.

- Good night, guys. - Good night, Coach.

- Good night, Sam. - Good night, Coach.

- Where's--? Where's Diane? - Oh, yeah, she said she's packing.

- She'll be back shortly. - Thank you.

Hey, Cliff, come on.

You've had a lot to drink tonight. What do you say I drive you home?

Normie, that's great of you.

- You're a real friend. - That's right.

- You're just a pal when you need one. - Yeah.

You're a swell-- If I ever have kids, I'm gonna name them after you, Norm.

Even if they're girls.

Please, I'm just gonna give you a ride home.

Yeah, but I'm gonna throw up in your car.

- Coffee, Carla? - Yeah, thanks.

Sam, you were the greatest tonight.

I gotta thank you for putting up with all that.

Are you kidding me? I had a terrific time.

Somebody should've said something to Nick.

He went through the whole ceremony with his fly open.

No, he knew.

It's a tradition in his family. Sign of fertility.

Didn't you notice his father? And all the ushers?

Oh, that's right. Yeah, well, that explains it.

I thought it was because the building was a little stuffy.

In fact, I flirted with the idea myself.

- You know something, Carla? - What?

- You surprised me tonight. - Why?

I never realized just how much you know about me.

All those stories about my career.

I mean, you know more stories about me than I do.

I had to make it look like the real thing.

Besides, I know everything about you, Malone.

- Oh, yeah, right. - Your favorite color is blue.

Your favorite hobby is sailing. Your favorite food is Chinese.

And your taste in women is not what it used to be.

Right across the board.

- You do know me. - A lot better than you know me.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets.

Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair

on all the models in Vogue magazine.

And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp.

And you always cry when they come to the part where they eat the spaghetti.

I didn't think anybody knew that.

I'll tell you something else about you that you didn't think I knew.

- What? - You go to Mass every Sunday.

- Who squealed on me? - See? See?

I was just guessing, but that goes to show you how well I do know you.

Hey, this conversation's getting a little soppy.

Why don't we talk about something else?

- Baseball. - Nicky. Nick.

- Oh, my God. - Nick!

- We're gonna miss the bus. - Keep your pants on.

This'll only take five minutes.

We got forever together.

You know, the way you two was carrying on at my wedding,

all lovey-dovey and all that,

I wanna know, how long has this thing been going on between you two?

- What's it to you? - Answer the question.

You been seeing him while we were married?

No. I was always faithful to you.

You seeing Loretta when we were married?

What am I, on trial here?

The important thing is, if you were seeing him when we was married...

...our marriage was a lie.

You know, Nick, you know, she's taken enough abuse from you.

If you don't knock it off, I'm gonna take you outside,

and I'm gonna teach you some manners.

This will be great! Nick's a bleeder.

I wanna talk to you.

- What about? - It's private.

- Go on. - All right.

Make it quick.

I want you back.

Nick, you just got married.

Your bride is standing over there.

Easy come, easy go.

I'll lose her in the bus station. That's where I found her.

Nick, are you nuts?

You still got wedding cake in the corners of your mouth.

I don't know what it is, but every time I looked at you today,

I said to myself, "Carla's not so bad."

Maybe I was making a mistake.

I don't know what it is.

What do you say, Carla?

I know what it is.

You saw me with Sam today.

You saw that somebody else wanted me,

so you wanted me back.

Well, forget it. I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Sure, I'll forget it. If you can forget this.

So how's married life treating you, huh?

Oh, I don't feel so different.

So, what do you say, Carla?

Nothing, Nick.

The magic is gone.

I got myself a better guy.

I took a shot. Loretta, you're up.

By the way, I don't appreciate your coming to the wedding

in the dress that you married me in.

Boy, am I primed for this honeymoon.

So come on. What happened? What did he say?

He crawled to me, Sam, and I stepped on his heart.

All right, Carla. That's terrific. You must feel great.

Hey, come on. What's this all about?

Hey, listen, you're on top.

He came back begging, and you beat him.

What are you so upset about?

I didn't beat him.

He only wanted me because he thought you did.

What he has is real.

All I have is a lie. And my life is terrible.

Hey, come on, Carla.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, come on.

Well...

You know what that was, don't you?

No, do you?

- I think so. - Good. What was it?

Well, we've been together all afternoon and all over each other.

It was just a natural thing to do.

That wasn't it.

Well, what was it?

It was a pity kiss.

I've gotten them. I've given them. I know what they are.

- So have I, and that wasn't one. - Then what was it?

Well, maybe we just wanted to find out what it would be like.

Maybe.

So, what was it like?

What was it like for you?

I've had better.

- Well, I haven't. - I know.

Well...

...whatever it was, it's-- It's over now.

Yeah.

Ain't gonna let that get in the way of a good friendship, huh?

If it picks you up any, I never had a better handshake.

Hi, guys.

- Well, what happened? - Oh, it was great.

We made a shambles of the wedding.

- Great. - Yeah, Diane, I wanna thank you.

Sam, tonight the three of us joined together

and were able to make another human being eat his liver.

Life, I love you.

Good night.

Well, Sam, I'm ready for our weekend.

You sure you got everything?

I believe in being prepared.

With all this luggage, I hope you didn't forget to pack

that frilly, black baby-doll nightie I love so much.

I'm sorry, Sam. It's at the cleaner's.

Couldn't you wear something else?

Just this once?

Okay, but if I don't like it, we come right home.

Okay.