Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Sammy.

- Oh, Sam. - Yeah, what, Coach?

Listen, I think I found the answer to all the robberies in this neighborhood.

- Don't worry, I'm gonna get an alarm. - No, no, this is much better.

This friend of mind has this huge, I mean, gigantic attack dog.

But he's gotten so mean lately, he can't handle him.

Now, that would be perfect protection for us from burglars.

Coach, maybe so, but what are we gonna do with one?

I mean, where are we gonna keep a dog, huh?

I figured the office.

He's vicious.

Coach, get that dog the hell out of here.

- How? - I don't know how.

How'd you get it in here in the first place?

He was in a cage when they brought him in. But I think he ate it.

This is ridiculous. How am I gonna use my office?

- Excuse me, Sammy. - What?

In my profession, you become accustomed

to dealing with bellicose canine personalities.

- Allow me. - What are you gonna do, mace him?

No, no, Carla, that's much too cruel.

I find that, dealing with animals, it's better to be kind, yet firm.

Sit!

He is sitting, Cliff.

Nuke the beast, Sam.

Gee, Sam, I'm so sorry.

Coach, get on the phone. I want the owner to get the dog out of here.

The owner. The phone.

- Hello, everyone. - Goody, Diane is here.

This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.

Meet her this morning?

That's Carla. She likes little witty repartee.

She's just not capable of it.

And, Heather, I want you to meet someone else right over here.

Coach Ernie Pantusso.

- How do you do, Mr. Pantusso? - Hi, Heather.

Listen, you can call me Coach, or by my other nickname.

What other nickname?

Satchmo.

Coach, you're thinking of Louis Armstrong.

No, but I like that even better.

- Can I get you something to drink? - Oh, coffee?

- Hot coffee. - Thank you.

Now, down here, these two gentlemen are Cliff and Norman,

two of our most regular regulars.

- Hi. - Hiya. Pleased to do you.

I mean, how do I meet me?

- Forget it. - Smooth, Cliff.

I hate her.

Diane, I love this place. It's got a great feeling.

- Yeah, I knew you'd like it. - Yeah.

Sam, I tried reaching the owner. No answer.

Okay, thank you, Coach.

You can call me Louis Armstrong.

That must be your Samikins.

He is gorgeous. He's just as you described him.

- Hey. - Hi.

But you didn't do justice to his cologne.

And you wanted me to switch, huh? See?

Heather Landon, meet Sam "I Reek, Therefore I Am" Malone.

- How do you do? - Nice to meet you.

Oh, Heather, Heather. Yeah, I've heard Diane babble about you a lot.

- You grew up together, right? - Well, practically.

We were in grade school together. Heather hasn't changed a bit.

Must have been some grade school, huh?

She just moved into town. Isn't that wonderful, Sam?

- That's great. - I have to warn you, though,

when the two of us get together, we get a little goofy.

You should have bought one of those big Goofys. I hear they're on sale.

Oh, cute and funny. I think you got lucky this time, Diane.

Yep, yep, look at that, Norm, just like the rest of them.

Hung up on looks, personality and style.

Sam, Heather and I were best friends in the fourth grade.

We were always getting in trouble.

I'd hate to tell you some of the things she got me to do.

Remember the prank phone calls?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is the WTRM Radio Contest.

For a trip to Hawaii, name three cars that start with P.

Go ahead.

Porsche, Plymouth and Pontiac.

No, I'm sorry. Those cars start with gas.

It's pathetic.

Come on, Heather. I'll show you the rest of the place.

It was nice meeting you, Sam. I'm just sorry Diane got to you first.

Yeah, I often regret there's so many women out there and only one of me.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- What's wrong, Sam? - You kidding me, you didn't see that?

- See what? - What are you talking about?

Guys, Diane's best friend just came on to me.

You're crazy.

She knows you're with Diane, so she thinks you're safe.

Forget about what she's saying. I'm talking about vibrations here.

Listen, I know women. Diane's friend wants me.

All right, I know a thing or two.

I've had experience with this sort of thing.

- You, Norm? - Yeah.

When I was dating Vera, her little sister always used to prance around

and wear nothing but a bikini or flimsy little shorts or something.

Yeah, she used to sit in my lap,

make little jokes, whisper in my ear how sexy I was.

So I did it. I went ahead and asked her out. She turned me down flat.

- Vera know this? - Yeah, Coach.

She was there at the time. She was really furious.

I bet she was. I'm surprised she even married you.

Yeah, well, the ceremony was in progress.

There really wasn't much she could do about it.

No, no, no. Look, I know what you guys are talking about,

but there's a lot more going on here. Just trust me.

Come on, Sam, she seems like such a sweet kid.

Yeah.

Yes, well, just as every good author has had to work

among the common people for material.

Muscles.

Yeah. Yeah, I think Sammy's on to something here.

The woman's obviously a vixen.

Look. She's undressing every man in the bar with her eyes right now.

No wonder I felt such a chill.

Well, that's our little pub.

Oh, Diane, she hasn't seen all of it yet.

What?

- You didn't show her Sam's office. - Oh, right.

- No, Carla! - Get her!

Just some of that witty repartee you love.

Carla, that was a lousy thing to do.

What the hell is that?

It's an attack dog a friend of mine gave me, Diane. He's good, huh?

Excellent.

- Coach, get on the phone right away. - The phone.

- Diane, are you all right? - Oh, yes.

You trained me well.

- Listen, I've really gotta be going. - Oh, right.

But now, you and I and Sam will have dinner tonight.

I am going to cook.

Why?

Well, to celebrate.

Now that Heather's gonna be living here,

I want the three of us to become really good friends.

And I have a special recipe to try. My own Veal Oscar.

That's the award you get if you can act like you like it.

Heather, do you mind hanging on here just for a second?

- I wanna talk to Diane in private. - Oh, sure, sure.

- Oh, I know what you're gonna do. - What? Yeah, right.

- I'll just go finish my coffee. - Okay, all right.

- Sam? - Yeah, what?

- No answer yet. - Yeah, just keep trying. Keep trying.

Look, sweetheart--

Hey, hey, come on.

Listen, Heather's okay and all that,

but I don't think we should hang out together too much, if you don't mind.

Why not?

Well, I just don't think the two of us hit it off that well.

You hit it off great. She says she's nuts about you.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I bet she did, I bet she did.

Listen, sweetheart, I didn't wanna have to tell you this

because you're pals and all that, but she's coming on to me gangbusters.

What are you looking at me like that for?

I can't believe you're saying this.

Well, I'll tell you something else. I need a little help here

because I don't have that much experience saying no to women.

I mean, the closest I've ever gotten is, "Not now, we're landing."

Hey, I'm just telling you this because I think

you ought to keep the two of us apart, that's all.

- What? - This is staggering.

Do you think that every woman you see is attracted to you?

Honey, I've had enough women come on to me to know when it's happening.

- And it's happening. - Well, I guess there's

only one way to convince you.

Heather?

Wait a minute. What are you doing? Diane. Whoa, hey, come on.

- I'm going to ask her. - Oh, no, please. Don't do that, please!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if it embarrasses you, but it serves you right. Heather?

Honey, I'm sorry if this will make you uncomfortable,

but I wanna get this out of the way

so that the three of us can proceed to form a lasting friendship.

Sam just now mistook your innocent flirtation

for a sexual overture.

Will you please explain to him your real feelings?

Certainly.

Sam, I want you, and I don't care who knows it.

What?

Gotcha!

You are a very attractive man,

but for me to give up my friendship with Diane,

you'd have to be rich too.

- See you tonight for dinner. Bye. - See you later.

No, ma'am, I'm sorry. Those cars start with gas.

Gas!

- Let's call your mother now. - Get out of here!

Whitey, Whitey, Whitey.

You're making a mistake.

What do you mean?

That so-called friend of yours is hot for Sam.

You too? Everyone here is insane. Why would you think that?

Because Sam thinks it.

Not anymore, he doesn't.

No, I trust his first instincts.

When it comes to dames, Sam's got, like, an antenna

that picks up things that you and I miss. Yeah.

It's like when dogs and cats know when an earthquake is coming.

Nobody could explain that.

That's simple. You see, there are fissures and cracks on the surface of--

Your brain.

Please, don't distract Diane from her suffering.

Diane, believe me, you're being dense.

If Sam says that woman is hot for him, bank on it.

Oh, it's ludicrous.

You know, the more I think about this, the more I'm looking forward to tonight.

I've never had a woman as just a friend before.

I think this would be really good for me.

Tonight?

Yeah, tonight. Remember, you're cooking that Oscar Meyer thingy?

Veal Oscar. Sam, I've had second thoughts about that.

Did you know that veal comes from baby cows?

If you think that I would take part in such a senseless slaughter--

Hey, hey, have whatever you want. Open a can of beans.

The important thing is getting to know Heather.

I think just being friends with a sexy woman like Heather

is a big step in my maturity.

- Hey, Sam? - Yeah?

We gotta get into that office to get to the stock.

We've run out of gin, and the Kahlúa martinis aren't moving.

Sam, you know, I don't think it's right to ask you to come to dinner

when you've got so much on your mind.

- You know, this dog and everything. - Hey, don't worry about the dog.

- I'll take care of the dog right now. - I'm one step ahead of you, Sammy.

Yeah, mix a little complimentary cocktail for the mutt.

All right.

Yeah, I finally got a hold of the owner, Sam.

And he said booze calms him right down.

- Oh, good, good. - I just hope the guy's thirsty.

Now, be careful here.

Oh, look at him.

- He's just a big puppy dog. - Hey, hey, whoa.

Yes, you're a big doggie. Yes, you are.

- There's only one problem, Sam. - Yeah, what?

The owner said that booze makes the dog very amorous.

Oh, yeah? Right.

Oh, good boy. Yes, he's a good boy.

Oh, wait, hey, not that good.

Come on in, Heather.

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, something smells great.

Why, thank you. Dinner's almost ready. Make yourself at home.

All right. Thank you.

- Well, what do you think? - About what?

About this dress. I just bought it today. I saw it and I had to have it.

Why did you buy a dress today of all days?

You come into the bar, you meet everybody

and go out and get a 'come get me" dress. Explain yourself.

I just saw it today.

Oh, of course you did what anyone in your position would have done.

- Diane, is everything all right? - Yes. Yes.

- You sure? - Yes, of course.

- Okay. - Back to work.

- I sure like Sam. - Slut!

- What? - I said, "Thanks a lot."

Oh, you're welcome.

- Sam? - Malone, one for dinner.

- Do you have reservations? - Plenty of them, but I came anyway.

- How you doing? Oh, here you go. - Oh, nice, thanks.

Hey, buddy.

- Hey, Sam, how you doing? - Good.

I want to... I wanna apologize for this afternoon.

I was a little... I was a little crazy.

Here you go. But I think...

I think the three of us

are gonna be real good friends now, don't you think?

- Yeah, I think so too. - Yeah.

Yeah, me too. Well, let's get to dinner.

Whoa, what's the rush?

Well, the sooner we begin, the sooner we can finish.

And then we can be finished.

- Isn't friendship great? - Yeah.

What's that saying about friends and lovers?

Oh yeah, friends and lovers...

"Don't leave home without them."

Very funny. Oh, you're ticklish. You're ticklish. Oh, you are!

- Well, sure. - No, no, please! Please, no.

Dinner time!

Well, you don't have to shout. We can hear you, you know.

Yes, of course.

Hunger makes me wanna shout.

Well, come on.

- Stay back. - Sorry I don't have place cards.

Oh, that's all right. We'll just put Sam in the middle so we can share him.

- Okey-doke. - Excusez-moi.

You know, I think this is gonna be great.

Just the three of us, three good friends.

Yeah. Like Porthos, Athos and Aramis.

- There you go. - Well, I don't think Sam

- knows that reference. - Hey, hey, hey.

I may not read books, but I know good music.

Supremes, right?

- Fabulous. - Hey, yeah, sometimes I surprise her.

I bet you do.

Okay, well, here we go.

I hope you didn't have spaghetti for lunch.

I thought we were having Veal Oscar.

There are remnants of it in the sauce.

I thought we weren't gonna do anything with veal.

Well, this sucker was already dead.

- Well, it looks divine, Diane. - Oh, thanks.

Bon appètit.

Diane, remember the way we used to eat "pasghetti" when we were kids?

No.

Like this.

Oh, that was good. That was good.

All right, all right, let me try.

You got some sauce on your blouse there.

- Thanks for your discretion. - Yeah.

This is wonderful spaghetti.

And the pasta is cooked just perfect.

- Oh, yeah. - It's firm, yet it yields to the bite.

That's exactly the way it should be. Here.

- Oh, yeah. - Take a bite off the end of this.

Oh, yeah, that's good. Here, here, try mine.

- Oh, yours? - Yeah.

- There you go. - Oh, yours is good too.

Oh, boy.

This garlic bread is magnificent.

- Yeah-- - Here, wait, here, have some of mine.

Hot, hot, hot.

You don't even have to chew it.

You just set it in your mouth, and it melts.

Good eats, good eats.

You have a little sauce right there on the--

Here? I don't wanna waste it.

No, the other side there.

There. Right there.

Stop it!

Stop it right now! I mean it, Heather!

- What? - What?

You know what. You know perfectly well what.

You think I don't know what's going on here?

Spaghetti sauce, bread.

Have you no shame?

Diane, what the hell's the matter with you?

I know what that was all about.

You think I don't know what noodles mean in sexual lingo?

And sauce?

I read my Freud.

Diane, we were just enjoying the meal.

Oh, don't give me that. That meal's inedible.

You know something?

You're doing the same thing I did this afternoon, and you called me nuts.

No, no, no, Sam, it's all right.

It's not surprising.

It's just, I'm a very sort of friendly and outgoing person,

and sometimes people misinterpret it.

I'm just very surprised it came from you, Diane.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, Heather, what am I saying? I must really be paranoid, mustn't I?

Oh, it's happened to me before.

- It's happened to everyone before. - Heather...

I'm so sorry.

She didn't mean it, Heather.

How can you be eating now?

I've eaten through worse than this.

Well...

- Goodbye. - Heather, where are you going?

You're not leaving, are you?

Well, paranoid or not, I'm obviously making Diane uncomfortable.

Honestly, no.

Our friendship is the most important friendship in my life.

And I would never, never do anything to intentionally hurt it.

Please, forgive me and stay.

Of course. I couldn't throw away 20 years.

Oh, that's beautiful.

You know, I just want to thank you for letting me be part of this.

- That was very sweet. - Oh, Sam. You are so sweet.

Oh, hey, well...

Yeah, hey.