Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm.

How's life, Normie?

It's not gonna win any awards, Coach.

Wanna put a brew in my face, please?

- Right at you. - So, what you been up to there?

Well, I went out this afternoon for the first time since Vera and I split up.

Oh, hey, okay. Who's the lucky damsel?

Arlene Horsley.

Yeah, she was a typist at that firm I got fired from.

Yeah, I gave her a slice of my pizza one day during coffee break,

and things kind of took off from there.

Anyway, we caught a little movie this afternoon.

- What was playing? - I finally got around to seeing Gandhi, Coach.

Oh, Gandhi. Hey, a fine piece of cinematic art there, huh?

- Well, I'm out of here. - Where you going?

I gotta get back there before Arlene starts to miss me.

- Where is she? - She's watching Gandhi.

I'm just-- I'm just out for popcorn.

See you in about an hour when I go out for Jujubes.

We did. Thank you for a wonderful afternoon.

Yeah, right. My heart's still pounding.

Sam.

Carla, if you have something to say, come right out and say it.

All right.

What is your problem?

Look, everyone knows there is no bigger romantic than Carla Tortelli.

But if you two are gonna do stuff like that,

at least have the decency to do it out by the garbage.

Even you cannot ruin our mood, Carla.

Sam and I had a wonderful afternoon gallery haunting.

We saw some of the works of New England's finest artists.

What, did you lose a bet, huh, Sam?

As a matter of fact, Mr. Malone is on his way to developing

an appreciation of nonrepresentational art.

- That's right. - Name any piece of art you saw today.

Well, gee, there were so many.

Name any piece of art in the world.

- Hey, a buck says he gets this one. - You're on.

Michelangelo's 'Two Muscular Guys Touching Fingers."

Pay up.

Fooled me.

Why? Why?

Yeah. Hey, well, Diane, Diane,

I wouldn't try too hard to domesticate the guy.

You're going against eons of biology on this one.

What are you talking about?

Well, yeah, you know, the early cavemen,

they went out and hunted for the very food that graced their simple table.

The women stayed in the cave and developed art,

culture, what have you.

Yeah, but men, down through the centuries, have always been hunters.

You know, doers, adventurers.

Cogito, it is not in man's nature

to sit alone and be passive and docile.

What's the matter, Norm?

Nothing, it's just my shorts are binding up on me.

Well, just, you know, stand up and straighten them out a little.

No, I'll give them five minutes. Sometimes they self-correct.

Do you wear boxers?

The level of conversation in this bar could not sink any lower.

Hiya, wonderbuns.

- Going down. - Hey!

- Mr. Dave Richards. - Hi, sports fans.

Hey, Dave, Dave, what was that you said

at the end of your sports report last night?

I said, "Good night, and remember,

the world is full of winners and losers.

Here's hoping you're one of them."

Well, I guess I did hear it right.

- Hey, big fella. - How you doing, Mayday?

- Good. How are you, Dave? - Miserable.

- Brenda and I split. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yep. This is from the heart, big guy.

This is the most devastating period of my life.

- Hey, you wanna talk about it? - Nope.

You fall off a horse, you get right back on.

Hey, Sam, I was just wondering, how about you and me

giving the females of Boston ten minutes head start

and then go round them up, huh, like old days?

Boy, we did have fun, didn't we?

- We were pretty good. - Yeah. Boy, I'll tell you.

I was wondering on the way over here,

what do you think was the best night we ever had?

Oh, that's tough. Well, no, wait,

I think I'd have to say July 4th, Chicago.

Yankee Doodle.

Oh, I was thinking about Minneapolis.

Minneapolis. Now, well, Minneapolis was great, but that was quantity.

I'm talking quality here.

Hey, you guys, was there ever a night when there was, like,

both quantity and quality?

- Vegas. - Vegas.

- What are we waiting for, Sam? - Nothing.

Oh, and don't wait up for us.

- All right. - All right.

Females of Boston, stop dreaming. It's on its way.

See you later, sweetheart.

You take care, Dave. Don't you be a stranger, man.

You don't-- Don't you be a stranger.

Did you get a chance to say hi to Dave? Good old guy.

Where were you going with him?

Where am I?

Last thing I remember, I was standing behind the bar.

I must have blacked out. Coach, I'm having blackouts.

Kind of a nice break in the day, isn't it, Sam?

- Sam, what gives? - Dave, there's no way

I'm gonna make it to the aquarium with you today. I'm sorry.

- Forget it. - I know where you two were going.

You were going trollop hunting.

That sounds like fun. Can you do that with women?

Wait. Hey, listen, I was not thinking, Diane.

It was just an automatic reaction, that's all, I promise.

Sam, you're not gonna tell me that you

and the human brain here got something going, are you?

Well, kind of, yeah.

Definitely. I mean, totally.

- Very romantic phrasing. - Well...

- Boy, you must be one hot honey. - Hey, hey, whoa. Take it easy here.

Listen, it just so happens that we got a good thing going here,

and I'm very proud of it.

And speaking of things going, why don't you, Dave?

Yeah, maybe you ought to, Dave. I'll talk to you later.

Okay. I'll come back when you split up.

- I've got about an hour to kill. - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, I'm telling you, this is gonna work out.

Hey, Sam, who you talking to here? You were a worse hound than me.

Which makes you the worst hound that ever was.

David, that has all changed now.

Some things never change. You cannot give an old leopard new stripes.

Why are we talking to this person?

Hey, look, I don't have anything against you personally.

I just want my old buddy back.

I say I can break you two up.

This time tomorrow, Sam and I will be out scouting those el feminitos.

Hey, well, you're wrong. There's no way.

And you're way out of line here.

Twenty-four hours, you two are bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Do you believe that? I mean, that's ridiculous.

Sam, he can give us 24 hours, 24 days, 24 years.

We have transcended time.

Right, right. But right now, the important thing is the next 24 hours.

Now, just to be on the safe side here,

why don't we not even get into a heated discussion today, okay?

- Sure. That's easy. - Oh, good. I hope so.

You know, the truth is...

...we haven't ever gone 24 hours without a fight.

- We most certainly have. - No, no, we haven't.

- Sam Malone-- - All right, you're right.

You're right. You're right.

The important thing here now is just no arguing, no fighting, no breakup.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, Sam.

Say, listen, seeing as you're gonna be out of commission,

or so you say, you think you could give me

the number of that Lydia chick you used to keep for yourself?

You're impossible, you know that?

Cliff, the book.

- This still her number? - Hey, come on, come on, man.

You're smudging Judy Wilson's number there.

Thanks, buddy. See you, gang.

Oh, and, moonbeam...

...seeing as you'll be split up tomorrow and you'll probably likely be free,

- so maybe you and I could...? - I'd rather be staked out

on an anthill naked.

You see, Sam, how they always get the word "naked" in there?

- Go on. Go on. - See you tomorrow.

What a sleazy, egotistical, greasy, rotten sewer rat.

You're right.

I think I'm in love.

You know, Diane, I'm glad that jerk came by today.

It's moments like that that make me realize

what a good thing we got going here.

- Why do you still have that thing? - What's that, babe?

The book.

Why are you keeping it?

Sweetheart...

...this is my address book.

I've got emergency numbers in this thing.

Okay.

What emergency service does Wanda Mendelsohn render?

She's an all-night plumber.

She's the only plumber in Boston you have to go to her house.

- Hey, Carla. - Sam,

you have not answered my question.

Why are you holding on to the phone numbers of other women?

I'm not holding on to it.

I just haven't gotten around to getting rid of it.

Fine. Then you won't mind if I help you with that. Cliff?

Cliff, you touched it!

I can see!

Normie, I can walk!

- He's walking! - Hallelujah

- Cliff's walking! - Hallelujah

He's walking! He's walking!

I'm just saying, it would be a wonderful gesture to me

if you destroyed the book.

Are you nuts?

It took me years to meet all these people.

And even longer to alphabetize them.

All right.

I knew you'd bring this around to stupid again.

Oh, any argument with you begins and ends with stupid.

Listen, you can put up with this book

if I can put up with an afternoon of paint splatters.

Paint splatters?

Sam, if brains were money, you'd have to take out a loan

for a cup of coffee.

I got that. I got that one.

- You're making marvelous progress. - Well, I'll tell you some--

I'll tell you something that's not making progress around here,

- and that's you and me. - We can change that in an instant.

Well, whatever, because I'm keeping that book.

And you know where you can keep it? Right straight--

--Under the pillow you dream on, big guy.

Oh, Sam, got a minute?

- Yeah, what? - Listen, I just wanted to congratulate you

on your recent falling out with Miss Chicken Parts.

I suggest you take this opportunity to make it permanent.

You know something, Carla, whenever we fight, you just love to gloat.

No, Sam, as a matter of fact, I feel a little sad about this one.

- Why? - I wasn't the cause of it.

I don't know.

Maybe me and Diane being together just doesn't make any sense.

Oh, love, Sam. Who can explain it?

- Fools would try. - Yeah, you're right, Coach.

I've got this theory, though. See--

- Coach, would you take me home? - Okay, Carla.

You know, Coach, every night you walk out of here

and you forget your keys. You got them this time?

It's okay, Carla. I got it all figured out. I left them in the car.

Aren't you afraid someone's gonna steal it?

I locked the doors.

Well, how are we gonna get in without your keys?

- I made a duplicate set. - Well, where are they, Coach?

Holy mackerel.

Sam.

Carla, we've really gotta make it scramble.

Looks like rain. Come on. I left the windows open.

Just so I don't mistake this for your being deep in thought

about how much you love me, you're not talking to me, right?

I hate you with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Somebody's cranky.

Come on. Tell you what I'm gonna do.

As a gesture to put all this behind us,

- I'm gonna take this book of mine-- - Oh, I see, I see.

You're going to patch it up now so you don't lose face

- with your buddy Dave. - No, no, forget about Dave.

I'm concerned about us right now.

I'm gonna take this book, which represents my past, you understand?

And I'm gonna rip up X through Z and all but one of Q.

You just don't understand, do you? I don't think there's any more to say.

Well, girls, there he is. Isn't he pretty?

What--? What do you want, Dave?

Hey, Sam, was that Diane I saw leaving?

Yeah, she-- She had to go home early.

She has a few pictures of me she wants to hang.

Yeah. Sam, I'm in a bind.

You don't look too bad off to me.

The one on the left is Valerie and the other one's Didi.

I'm one over the limit. I gotta throw one back.

- Can you take her off my hands? - Give me a break here.

- What is this, part of your plan? - No, come on.

I'm asking a favor from a buddy.

Look, ordinarily I wouldn't ask you, but Valerie there thinks I'm complex.

Need I say more?

- Look, just see that she gets home. - Come on, Dave. Give me a break.

Sam, will you just see that she gets home? Okay?

Thanks. Valerie, what do you say

you and I just jump in that Dave-mobile, huh?

So, Didi, where do you live?

Chicago.

- Excuse me? - Chicago. It's in Illinois.

No, I know where Chicago is, but I thought--

I'm just here overnight.

I'm a stewardess. I'm at the Stafford Hotel.

Why don't you just let me call you a cab.

Oh, well, okay.

Gee, Dave said you were a fun guy.

Well, I used to be a fun guy before I met...

Before I met you. Now I'm a really fun guy.

- Right. - Stafford Hotel?

- Yeah. - All right.

Normie, how come you're not out with Arlene tonight?

Oh, gee, I am.

- Where are you gonna be? - I think we're at the circus.

No, that's tomorrow.

We're in a balcony somewhere. I don't know.

Hey, Coach, I thought it was your turn to drive today.

Oh, did I forget to pick you up, Carla?

Gee, I'm sorry, honey. Look, I'll make it up to you.

- It's okay. - No, no, no.

Tomorrow, you forget to pick me up.

- Coach, is Sam in yet? - No, he's not here, honey.

What's the matter, feel a case of the nags coming on?

I deserve that.

No, actually I wanted to apologize to him.

I made too big a deal of that address book.

But he was being insensitive himself.

I guess I should learn to control myself, huh?

I still think Sam was wrong.

Cheers.

Coach, that ringing is in your head.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Coach, I don't blame you for being confused.

My relationship with Sam is making me a little crazy.

Oh, and you used to be so together.

Oh, good, good. Diane, you're here. I got something I wanna tell you.

Sam, I-- I'm really sorry the way I reacted yesterday.

- I had a miserable night. - It's okay. It's all right. It's all right.

- Yeah? - Come on. I can't wait.

You're gonna love this. This is so good.

Well, great. I can't wait either.

- Coach, your phone's ringing there. - No, Cliff, it's in my head.

Oh, the big guy's chair, huh?

- Come on, tell me, tell me. - Diane,

last night I took a beautiful woman back to my place.

She was ready, willing and able, you know what I mean? And so was I.

We were right in the sack, and then all of a sudden, get this.

I stopped. I thought about you.

I thought about how much you mean to me.

And I said, "Didi, I can't do this. I got a chick."

What do you think about that, huh?

Well, I was expecting a hug or a kiss,

but this is more personal, I guess.

- How could you? - Hey, Diane, this is good news.

Oh, this is good news.

You go to bed with another woman, and this is good news?

No, you're not getting the big picture here.

I mean, this-- This is the first time I've ever said no to a woman.

And she was a gorgeous woman.

I mean, there's not a man in the world who'd say no to her.

Not many women either, I'll tell you that.

Besides, at that point, I mean, you and I were as good as broken up.

The only thing as good as broken up is being broken up, and we are.

Oh, come on. Don't you see what this means here?

Oh, damn it.

Hey, you two, your 24 hours is about up.

Do I sense tension in this room?

You know, that was a really crummy thing you did,

pushing Didi on me like that.

If Diane and I didn't have such a...

Such a good thing going here, that might have split us up.

Come on. You two? Good thing going?

I get along better with my wife, and we've exchanged gunfire.

David, you'll be very happy to hear that--

Now, wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Now, whatever Dave hears, he'll hear from me.

I made a mistake last night, Dave. I almost made a mistake.

And I've admitted this to Diane and...

And now I'm telling her that I'm finally convinced.

I mean, I'm crazy about this woman. She is the best thing going,

and I don't care about anybody else.

And I'll tell you something. I'm not gonna let anything come between us.

- Sam. - Well, yeah.

Oh, puke.

You're gonna have to find someone else to waste your evenings with,

because I'm gonna be wasting mine with this little filly right here.

- Oh, Sam. - No, no, come on, come on.

Well, I know when I'm beat.

Hey, wait a second here. I want you to--

I want you to watch me kiss my woman here.

You might learn something.

Oh, that's-- That's great, Sam.

Yeah, Didi said you were the best kisser she'd ever had.

Really?