Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Excuse me, cutie?

Cutie? Who do you think you're talking to?

- Her. - Better be.

- Well, as long as you're here-- - I ain't here.

What's the matter?

Did we get up on the wrong side of the web this morning?

I hate it when they call me cutie.

Well, I do know how you feel.

Earlier tonight a customer had the effrontery to refer to me as "honey."

But that makes sense. Honey is bee barf.

Does that snort mean we were amused?

No, no, definitely not. That was a snort of disapproval.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Norm! - Norman.

- How's life, Norm? - Ask a man who's got one.

- Here's mine now. - Oh, about that, Norm...

- Sammy raised the price of the draft. - Hey, I was gonna tell him, Cliff.

Yeah, but you would've found some way to cushion the blow, Sammy.

Sure, Sam, why not? It's "Get Norm" year. Join the fun.

Hey, come on, it's only a quarter.

Only a quarter. That's easy for you to say.

- Maybe this'll change your tune. - Watch it. He's going for his gun.

It's my calculator, Coach.

I'm gonna have to figure out how much I can drink

and still stay within my suds allowance.

What do you got?

I'm gonna have to cut back 8.7 percent.

That comes out to one beer every half-hour.

I guess I'm gonna have to drink a little more slowly.

Slowing down isn't so bad.

Sam, I gotta tell you,

you got one of the cutest cocktail waitresses I've ever seen.

Oh, stop, I'm blushing.

I meant you.

So what?

- I'm sorry. - You sure are.

Romance is in the air, Sam.

Well, I guess... I'm a little busy here, but I suppose...

Oh, Sam!

If you could see past your codpiece...

...you'd notice that I was referring to that gentleman right over there.

- Hank? - Yes.

He's been watching Carla all week.

Haven't you seen how he gives her those moony-eyed looks?

It's almost embarrassing.

If he were any more overcome with desire, there'd be drool on his chin.

Excuse me. I'm done. What were you saying?

Well, for whatever reason, he's attracted to Carla.

But he doesn't seem to be able to get started.

- I think I should help him. - No, I think you shouldn't.

We'll compromise. I'll help him.

Yeah, I knew we could work this out.

Excuse me. I'm Diane Chambers.

- Hello. Henry Zenzola. - Henry, nice to meet you.

- Do you mind if I sit down? - No, please.

Henry, I want to put it right on the line.

How do you feel about Carla?

You mean the waitress with the foul mouth,

nasty disposition and what looks to be a real mean wallop?

- That's the one. - She's the hottest thing walking.

Would you like to get to know her? I think I can arrange it.

You think so? I've been trying to get to her all week.

She acts like I'm contagious.

Has she actually made any retching noises?

- No. - You're in.

I'll be right back.

What a nice person. Is she always like that?

Yeah, yeah. Coach, give me a beer, will you?

Oh, hey, Norm, you're getting a little bit ahead of your

"one beer a half-hour" schedule, aren't you?

No, no, Cliff. I'm on London time.

God save the Queen.

His name is Henry. He's interested in you.

- So what? - So I think you should go talk to him.

- Well, I don't. - Why?

Because if he's interested in me, there's something wrong with him.

Carla, I assure you, he's perfectly charming.

I think he's kind of attractive too, don't you?

Yeah, as cue balls go, he's a looker.

Don't ask me why, but for some reason,

any guy who I'm interested in or who's interested in me

always turns out to have something very seriously wrong with him.

Carla, I can see why you think that,

but you have to stop feeling that you're undesirable.

Are you kidding? I'm too desirable.

I'm a vermin magnet.

Come on, Carla. This guy's not like that.

He's attractive, charming, intelligent, well dressed.

And opposites attract, so go for him.

Yeah, Carla, he's always talking there about the Sox.

- He knows Yaz personally. - Yaz.

Yaz.

Yeah?

- Okay, I'll talk to him. - Oh, goody.

Just long enough to find out what's wrong with this loser.

Yeah, I like a person with an open mind, huh?

- You're Hank? - Yeah. How do you do?

Shut up and answer a few questions.

First of all, where'd you come from all of a sudden?

- I never saw you in here before. - I don't really get out that much.

- He's married. - No, no, Carla. I'm single.

- You ever been married? - No.

- Gay as a goose. - No, no. Carla.

- What? - I like women.

- Some women, very much. - Hooker bait.

Carla, I don't mind being put through my paces.

In fact, I'm always one to enjoy a good game.

I hope this one gets better.

Yeah, yeah, this proves nothing.

He is great, and it's killing you.

I admit, he is tough, but I'll crack him.

Come on, we're going for a cup of coffee, on you.

- Fine. - Sam, I'm taking a break.

- Fine. - You got a criminal record?

- No. - Any mental illness in the family?

- No. - Or artificial body parts?

- No. - Okay, open your mouth.

So who's the greatest matchmaker in the world?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Come on, say it, Sam. - I'm not gonna say it.

Oh, come on, Sam, you gotta admit, Carla and Hank have been an item

ever since they went out to dinner, huh?

Oh, I hate to see that.

What, you think Carla's making a mistake there, Norm?

No, I just had my last beer of the 20th Century.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey!

- Hi. - Just came from the game.

- We killed the Otters, 28-3. - Whoa, way to go, guys!

And Hank has the greatest season seats.

Yeah, spitting distance from the visitor's bench.

Listen, Hank, thanks a lot. I had a great time.

Yeah, I had a great time too, Carla.

You wanna meet later for a late supper?

I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you before.

We're through. Beat it.

Carla, what did you find wrong with him?

Nothing.

- Well, then why--? - Look, I do not want to talk about it.

I wanna be left alone. Sam, what do you need from your office?

- Nothing. - I'll go see if you have any.

- What happened? - I don't know.

We were getting along so great.

Hank, sit down. Coach, pour him a beer.

I'm gonna go see if Carla needs help finding that nothing.

Hey, Hank.

You know, when I'm really kind of depressed,

I usually like to buy a beer for a friend

who's a little, you know, behind on his beer budget.

Well, I'm not really feeling all that depressed.

You're not?

I mean, you fall really hard for this girl,

you think you got her where you want her, then all of a sudden,

she cuts you off at the kneecaps in front of a room full of strangers--

- Set him up. - Thank you. This'll help.

This is gonna help.

I wanna be alone, Sam.

I'll only be a second. I got something very important to do in there.

I have to fix the... immediately.

Okay. All right. All right.

What are you doing here, Sam?

I just wanted to come in and see if you wanted to talk, that's all.

- I don't. - Okay.

Look, Sam, this guy is perfect in every other way.

The only thing left is that he must be lousy in bed.

Who needs it?

You know,

from over here, it seems like you're just afraid to go with this.

Being vulnerable.

Vulnerable?

It's just a word I picked up somewhere.

The only thing I'm scared of is that if I go to bed with him,

he's gonna be so crazed with desire, I'll never get rid of him.

Carla, that's not what you're afraid of.

You're afraid that you're gonna fall for this guy.

No, I'm not gonna fall for this guy. I've already fallen for this guy.

And now you're afraid he's gonna turn into a jerk, right?

No, smart guy, he's already a jerk.

- Well, why is he a jerk? - Because he's dishonest.

Why is he dishonest?

Because he's hiding the fact that he's a jerk.

Who's jerking who here?

Come on, Carla, you know, you always say you're so tough.

You talk tough, you act tough.

You're not tough. Tough guys take chances.

- You're a chicken. - Don't ever call me that.

That's what you are, Carla. You're a chicken.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, I wanna go with you.

You have been cruising on your looks for too long, buddy.

- I'm not gonna fight with you. - Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are.

Let's go.

Come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Carla, come on, you're half my size.

Carla, that's dirty, would you--?

Nobody calls me chicken.

I'll show you. I'm gonna go out there. I'm gonna be so vulnerable,

I'm gonna open myself to happiness like a banshee.

Hey, Sam, could I have the night off?

Thanks.

Feel better now? Yeah, I thought so.

Hi.

- Hi. - Wanna go to my place?

- You bet. - We can't. My kids are there.

How about your place?

I told you, I'm staying with a friend till my apartment's ready.

Diane, give me the keys to your place.

I will not.

Hey, you're the matchmaker.

You want this thing to work out, or you want it to end up with a broken heart?

And a broken lip.

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

And, Carla, when you're done, just burn the place.

Come on.

Carla, you've just made me the happiest man on earth.

Just wait.

Sam? Sam! What happened? Are you all right?

No, don't worry. Don't worry. She didn't hurt any of the good stuff.

Romance in this bar is kind of an inspiration.

You know, you, Diane, Carla, Hank there.

Seeing you all makes me kind of, you know,

think that somewhere out there, there's somebody for me.

Well, there are those that would disagree, I guess.

I'm sorry, Cliff, just a picture came to mind of you in the sack.

You know, I see your mailbag draped over a chair

next to your gabardines...

- Yeah? Yeah? - That's as far as I wanted to look.

Wait a minute. I agree with Cliff.

Cheers is a romantic bar.

I mean, you take even a poor guy like Hank with his terrible problem.

He comes in here. He can get a girl.

Coach, what terrible problem?

Oh, well, I'm sorry, I can't talk about it. Hank told me not to.

Coach, this could be kind of important. Can you give us a hint or something?

A hint.

Okay, I got one. Lefty Cramer.

Lefty Cramer, the old third baseman?

Right. Lefty has the same problem that Hank has.

Hank can't hit a breaking pitch?

- Oh, yeah, poor Carla, huh? - Yeah. She'll be crushed.

Go on, keep thinking. Think. What problem did Lefty have?

Well, he was ugly as a mud fence. I remember that.

He was a bad dresser.

Oh, he used to spit tobacco juice all over.

- Yeah, he was great, old Lefty. - Could we forget Lefty?

What's wrong with Hank, Coach?

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got it. Coach...

- ...Lefty had a heart problem. - That's it.

Hank has the same thing. I mean, least bit of excitement,

it's curtains.

Coach, how about sex?

Diane, please! I thought you were Sam's girl.

Well, now...

Coach, I'm talking about Hank.

Hank is seeing Carla. Are you listening to this?

Coach-- Coach, what she's trying to say is,

is Hank in any danger with Carla tonight?

No, no, not at all. Not unless he gets overexcited about something.

- Oh, man. - Sam, we've gotta stop them.

Now, wait, wait, Hank wouldn't have gone with Carla

- if he thought it was risky, right? - Come on.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. - We've gotta stop them.

We've gotta warn Carla, at least. I mean, my God--

I mean, what a shock if the guy were to drop dead in Carla's own bed.

- Oh, God, she's in my apartment. - You're kidding.

That's the last time I let somebody have a great time in my bedroom.

- What? - Call. Just call.

- Go on, call her. - What am I supposed to say?

I don't know. Tell her to look over on the next pillow

and count the dead people.

- Norman. - Norm.

Just ask her if everything's all right.

All right, all right, all right. The line's busy.

Oh, then maybe she's calling an ambulance, huh?

Cliff! Now, stop it. We don't have to jump to conclusions.

A lot of people, when they're having a romantic evening,

they take the phone off the hook.

They don't want anything to interrupt their intimacies.

How come we never did that?

I might miss an important call.

Sam, will you go over there, please, and see what's happening?

Coach, you're right. Coach, stay on the line here.

You know, it's my fault. I practically pushed them into this.

I'm going too. I brought them together in the first place.

- I'll go with you. I know CPR. - Well, I'll go. I'm a CPA.

No, no. No, no, guys, stay here. I can handle this. if we need you, I'll call you.

Oh, please, God, let Hank be all right.

- Stop! - Oh, no.

I wonder if we're too late.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

No, no, Sam.

Well, we can't just burst in on them. That's a gaucherie.

Besides, we might actually...

...see them.

Well, what were we planning to do?

Let's make loud noises to draw their attention.

Good, good.

- Fire! Fire! - No, Sam, you'll startle him.

Oh, my God. I hope I didn't blow it.

Oh, Sam, that's so disgusting.

- Can you hear anything? - Not a thing.

Isn't that funny? I thought Carla would be the type to make noises.

Hello there.

They're just starting.

What the hell's going on here?

We thought you were in there.

Were you looking for pointers?

We saw the wine glasses, so we...

We had a drink here and decided to go have something to eat.

So you didn't actually...?

Let's pretend for a minute it's any of your business.

No, we didn't.

Why are you here? ls there something wrong?

Hank, I'm sorry for intruding,

but Coach said something about you having a heart condition.

Oh, did he?

- Did he make a mistake? - No, he's right.

- I have a serious problem. - You do?

He also said that any exertion would be very dangerous for you.

And so we thought we'd catch you before you and Carla...

- Exerted. - Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Are you trying to tell me you could've died?

Carla, I...

Yeah, it could've happened.

Sex is okay for most people with heart problems.

I'm just one of those rare cases that makes it chancy.

- Maybe if we didn't get too wild. - Are you kidding?

I've almost killed off guys with good pumps.

- Carla-- - Carla, will you just--?

Would you butt out?

- Yeah, all right. - Now, I am not gonna forget this.

Of all the rotten things that guys have done to me, this is the rottenest.

- My instincts were right. - I should've told you.

- I just didn't wanna spoil it. - Spoil it?

Oh, I would've felt great waking up tomorrow with a stiff next to me.

Well, at least you wouldn't have had to feed him breakfast.

Hank...

...why would you take such a risk?

How could I not?

Carla, I've been so careful for so long.

And then I met you, and I just didn't care.

The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to take the risk.

Wow.

You're nuts.

I just got so carried away,

I didn't stop to think what it might do to you.

I don't know what to think about all this.

I guess I better leave.

No, hey, Hank, couldn't you and Carla just be good friends?

Real good friends?

No. I don't wanna be just friends with Carla.

It would drive me crazy to be so close to you and not touch you.

Hear that, beanpole?

Carla, I'm sorry I disappointed you.

Wait, wait. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I just thought of something.

In a way, I think maybe you and I were perfect together.

See, we never had an argument, right?

Not a harsh word, no one looking in another direction.

Yes, it was like a incredibly delicate flower.

It doesn't matter how long it lasts, the important thing--

Hey, whitey, this is my moment here.

I'm sorry.

In a way, Hank...

...I'll always remember you as the best lover I ever had.

Carla...

Goodbye.

Oh, Carla.

Well, now I've seen past your little masquerade.

And there's a bond between us that can never be broken.

I'm going to capture my feelings right now while they're fresh

and put them on the pages of my diary.

Oh, wait, Diane, it's right here.

We were laughing about it at dinner.