Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

I got it. Yeah, thank you, Vic.

Table ready upstairs at Melville's for the Anderson party.

Table ready for the Anderson party.

- Your name is Anderson? - Yeah.

I guess there must be two Anderson parties. What's the first name?

Ernie, but they call me Coach.

Coach, there are two Anderson parties here.

Would you call upstairs and find out which Anderson party gets the table?

Good idea.

Vic, we got a little problem down here. There are two Anderson parties.

Now, which one is it? Oh, thanks, thanks, Vic.

Thanks. I got it, Vic.

I'm sorry, folks, I was wrong.

It's not for the Andersons. It's for the Blubberbutts.

Table ready for the Blubberbutts! Table ready for the Blubberbutts!

Dylan Thomas, Delmore Schwartz, Fitzgerald, Faulkner,

they all virtually drank themselves to death,

gone before their time.

So can I get you another round?

Diane's mouth has sprung a leak again.

- Excuse me? - Yeah.

We have to leave. Could we get our waitress now?

Sure.

Here's my theory on the relationship between alcohol and genius.

Writing is a very lonely profession. You know--

Excuse me a moment.

Carla! Carla! Please, please, Carla.

Here you go.

- Could we get our check, please? - Certainly.

Carla, I've told you before, keep your hands off Diane.

I will if you will.

Carla...

...I have two things to say to you. First, don't you ever do anything like that

to me again, or you will regret it for the rest of your miserable little life.

And second, would this be a bad time to ask you for a favor?

For you, there's no good time.

Well, then, I would greatly appreciate it if you would switch schedules with me

so that I could have next Tuesday off.

No.

Carla, Oriana Fallaci is giving a speech at Harvard.

Now, come on, please. You've gotta change with me.

Yeah, I don't have to do nothing. Before I do a favor for you,

I would rather be dragged around town by my tongue.

Well, since you don't feel strongly about it,

maybe Sam would like to decide for us.

I'd rather flip a coin. At least that way I'd have a chance.

What is that supposed to mean, please?

It means that ever since you two started...

You know.

She gets away with things the rest of us wouldn't.

- I beg your pardon. - Carla, maybe you're right.

Maybe I have been too easy on her.

I'll take her in the backroom and teach her some obedience.

I got no feelings about what you two do in private.

No matter how disgusting, sickening and putrid it is.

I just don't think the rest of us should suffer for it.

Carla, all I asked you to do was switch nights off with me,

- and you turn it into a verbal lynching. - Yeah, what's the big deal?

- Changing one night with her? - There you go again, taking her side.

Okay, all right, all right.

Diane, work Tuesday night, and let's just forget this whole thing, will you?

Sam, you obviously don't realize how important this speech is to me.

It's only one night, Carla.

Hey, Diane, I think if you...

Carla, come on-- Does anyone wanna buy a bar?

All right, Sam, relax.

It's not fair to put you through this.

Carla, I've changed my mind. You don't have to switch with me.

- Good, good. - Okay?

I've just come to a very important decision.

Well, good for you.

- Evening, everybody. - Norm!

- Norman. - Would you like a beer, Norm?

I'd like to see something in a size 54, sudsy.

So how's life treating you there, Norm?

- The same. - That's too bad, Norm.

- If not worse. - What's wrong, Normie?

Nothing. Just a little personal problem.

If it's anything you wanna talk about...

No, I thought I'd kind of sit here and let it gnaw at my gut for a while.

Now, now, Normie, now, come on, you're among friends here.

Hey, if you can't talk to us, who can you talk to?

- That's right. - Not Vera, that's for sure.

She and I have split.

- I'm sorry, man. - What happened, Norm?

- What caused it? - She said we no longer communicate,

that I never listen to her, a bunch of other stuff. Yak, yak, yak.

Well, cheer up, Norm, maybe this will be good for you somehow.

- Yeah? - Yeah, absolutely. Look at it this way.

- You are a free man now, Norm. - Yeah, carefree bachelor.

- Yeah, I do-- I have a pad now. - Hey, where is it? Great.

You know that big, beautiful building down by the waterfront?

- Holy mackerel! - You take a left there,

you drive for about a half an hour. Don't come at night.

No, I think this is gonna be a whole new way of life for you.

You just gotta get up and around a little bit, you know.

- I don't know. - Come on, man. Come on.

- What are you waiting for? - Come on, Norm.

All right, all right. All right, I'm gonna do it.

Norman, Norman, Norman!

Stand back, I'm on the prowl.

Slow up.

Come on, man.

- That was awfully quick there, Norm. - They know where to find me.

- Sam? - Yeah.

- Read this. - What is it?

- My resignation. - Your what?

Read it. Read it.

"Dear Sam...

...although my tenure here has been one of value and enlightenment, still..."

Il faut cultiver notre jardin.

Come on! First of all, nobody resigns from a bar.

And second of all, nobody resigns in Latin.

- It's French, Sammy. - What does it mean, Cliff?

Well, because of the idiomatic peculiarities,

it can't really be translated into English.

"One must cultivate one's own garden."

Diane, you took some liberties with the derogatory tense there,

but I think we'll let it slide this time, huh?

Hey, what the hell's this about?

Is this because I didn't take your side against Carla?

No, Sam, the problem with Carla is only a symptom.

You see, it's abundantly clear to me

that our working together is making our lives miserable,

and it can only get worse.

Diane, you just can't leave like that. We should have a party, you know.

Some booze, a lot of pretzels, some munchies, get a lot of people together.

Coach, you mean, kind of like this?

Well, I guess that's goodbye, Diane.

Sam, come on, you don't need me tonight.

I wanna go home and start planning.

Carla, what's the matter, sweetheart? You all right?

Well, don't you see?

My life hasn't exactly been a bag of roses, you know.

My old man used to beat me. I spent half my childhood in reform school.

My husband was a rat who left me with four hungry mouths to feed.

But this makes up for all that.

I am the happiest woman alive.

I'm sorry. I think this is a mistake.

I mean, it's a tough town out there, Diane. Norm, am I right?

Most employers wouldn't spit on you if your hair was on fire.

But you'll make it, kid. I know you will. You've got moxie.

I know. I know. You all think I'm nothing but a hothouse orchid,

unequipped to survive in anything but a rarified atmosphere.

Well, I'll have you know, there's weed in me.

What a farewell speech. It went on exactly the right length.

Any more would have been too much of a good thing.

Hey, you're really gonna do this, aren't you?

Sam, I'm doing this for us.

- Really? - Yes.

Now, don't you wanna spend your nights

with a woman who's fulfilled, independent, self-actualized?

I suppose it's worth a shot. You got her number?

- Hello, everyone. - Oh, hi, Diane.

- Hey. - I have wonderful news. I've got a job.

Write us about it.

- Good for you. - Yeah.

Well, I know you all thought I was a social misfit,

unable to function on the streets.

Well, I not only got a job, I got a great job.

Yeah, I'm a proofreader for a small publishing house.

- Isn't that perfect for me? - Oh, yeah, I'm proud of you.

Well, it's been two weeks of hell, but I did it.

So, what's going on here, Norm? You been looking for months,

and Diane goes out there, snags a job in a couple of weeks.

It's easier for girls.

I'll tell you, if God had made me a woman, I'd never be out of work.

Well, yeah, as long as there are carnivals.

Hey, Diane.

You know, I was skeptical about you finding something.

But I guess it won't kill me to come out and say...

- ...congratulations. - Oh, thank you, Carla.

Carla, get up, will you?

So when do you start?

- Well, I'm not sure yet. - How come?

Well, the job isn't exactly, officially, technically, completely, finally definite.

- You don't have the job? - No, I've got the job.

You mean I poured out my heart for nothing?

I-- I--

Carla, Carla, I have the job. I have the job.

It's just that there's one small formality that has to be taken care of.

And that's what?

Well, Mr. Hedges said he wanted a reference from my previous employer.

He's gonna call you tonight.

And you're going to say some wonderful things

about me, aren't you, Sam?

Sam, we're gonna need more red wine here.

Okay. I will tell him that you are the best cocktail waitress

I've ever seen in my entire life.

And then I'll tell him that I'd like to sell him some land in Florida that I own.

No kidding? Where is it? We might be neighbors.

I wonder what Vera's doing tonight.

Yeah, by the way, Normie, how did you and Vera meet anyway?

Didn't I tell you this, Coach? We were in high school together.

We were?

- Not you and I. Vera and I. - Oh, good.

Yeah, she was a cute little thing back then.

Boy, could she give a hickey.

Famous all over the Midwest for it.

She gave me one the night of the senior prom.

It lasted till a year ago, Christmas.

Hey, give her a call there, big fella, huh?

I don't think so.

- Normie? - Well, yeah.

I probably should just see how she's doing.

Well, then, here, Normie. Save a dime. Wait.

Thanks, Coach.

Are you lonesome tonight?

Do you miss me tonight?

Vera? It's Norm.

How are you doing?

- Great, great. - Does your memory fade

- So, what are you up to? - With a bright summer day?

You have a date?

Yes, I'm hurt. I know it's been two weeks, but...

You know, it so happens I have a date myself.

Yeah, I've been getting around.

- You don't believe me? - Hey, hey.

She's right here. You can talk to her yourself.

Hello?

Mrs. Peterson, thank you for letting Normie go.

He's such an animal.

I've never known a man who can thrill me the way he does.

He touches me, and I'm a woman.

A total, quivering woman.

All right. Thanks, Carla.

Say, Carla, you wanna...?

You wanna maybe, like, get some coffee or something?

Get real.

Yeah, Cheers.

Yeah, he's in the back. Who can I say is calling?

- Hedges? - Oh, Coach, that's my boss.

You the Ducky Hedges who owes me 50 bucks?

Sure, anybody can say they're not Ducky Hedges!

No, Coach!

What was the color of Red Wilson's hair?

Ducky!

You bet I'm an idiot for ever loaning you 50 bucks! You no-good chiseler!

I loaned you that money, and you would think I was gonna forget about it.

- Coach. - Well, I fooled you! I remembered it!

Coach, Coach, come on, come on, let me have it.

Give it back when you're through.

Hello? Yeah, this is Sam Malone.

No, I've been expecting your call.

You probably wanna know all about Diane Chambers, right?

Well, I can make this real simple.

She's brilliant, she's competent, she's efficient,

and I recommend her completely.

What's that?

Man-to-man? Yeah, what do you wanna know?

I don't think I wanna answer that question.

- No, I don't think I wanna answer it. - Answer it!

Yeah, I've seen her naked.

Hello, Mr. Hedges, this is Diane Chambers.

You are the most rotten, disgusting pig.

I wouldn't work for you if it was-- How much?

Does that include medical?

What am I saying? I wouldn't take your job if it were the last one in Boston!

- Told him, Diane. - I can kiss that 50 bucks goodbye.

He was only interested in my body.

You know, sometimes I'm just ashamed to be a guy.

But if I made the switch now, I'd have to buy a whole new wardrobe.

Men are beginning to really disgust me. Even more than before.

Hey, come on, lighten up here. One rotten apple doesn't--

No, no, no, not one. We're talking orchards here.

The few scant offers I've had for a job have all had sexual strings attached.

It just makes me crazy to think of those guys

treating my squeeze like a sex object!

Here, here.

Well, I guess I'm not going to get any purely professional offers.

Listen, listen, why don't you just come back here to the bar?

This is where you belong. This is where your people are,

where your friends are...

...where your big guy are.

- Where my heart are. - Yeah.

Hey, guys, I think she's coming back.

Hey, why don't you let me go get my coat.

And then we'll go over to my place...

...and we'll celebrate your homecoming.

- Great. - You may need this.

Sam? I was just thinking--

Oh, yeah? I tried that once. Never cared for it. Come on, let's go.

- Sam! - Nice, huh?

Why did you re-hire me just now?

I hired you because you're the best combination

girlfriend-waitress in the city. And you stink as a waitress.

- Exactly what I thought! - What?

You hired me for sexual purposes.

Just like that swine Mr. Hedges wanted to do.

Oh, come on! It's completely different.

How is it completely different?

Well, it...

All right, all right, for instance, you're nuts about me.

Yes, but who knows? In time, I may have become nuts about him.

Well, we had a few things in common.

We both found me adorable.

- This is serious here! - All right.

Now, how can I come back here knowing that you think of me

as nothing but your...handmaiden?

You know, Diane, it gets me the way you women

are always talking about sex on the job.

As if you were the only victims.

What about me?

- What about you? - You telling me you took this job

because you wanted to be a waitress?

Absolutely not. I had a burning desire to discover

and explore this vein of American culture.

Bull! You had a burning desire to discover

and explore Mount Sammy here.

- What are you saying? - I'm saying you took this job

because I was here. You had sex on your mind too.

That's not true.

Not entirely true.

Yeah, well, how do you think it makes me feel to know

that the first time you saw me you undressed me with your eyes?

Do you have no regard for my dignity as a man, as an employer?

I was just a challenge to you, another notch on your belt.

Well, let me tell you something, Miss Chambers, I'm a person.

I have dignity too, you know.

You know, I know you have no regard for this job.

And you continually tell me that I have the brain of a cucumber.

So, what's left? The only thing that's left is that you want

your physical lust satisfied. And that's where I come in.

Well, there's only one thing to do.

I know. I know. I'll undress and do my duty.

No, no, don't.

No, you've shown me the light.

I've been a cad.

Okay, I propose that you and I abstain

from any sort of physical contact for a period of one month.

Strictly business for one month.

I think that's the only way that each of us can regain our self-respect.

I think that's a very good idea. It would help me out a lot.

Fine. One month it is, Mr. Malone.

Miss Chambers.

There is just one more thing.

I think...

Please, have a seat.

I think that my self-respect bounces back

just a little quicker than you expect.

I think two weeks of strictly business,

and I'd be back in peak shape.

Maybe, if I concentrate, one week.

Well, I believe that my recuperative powers

are even greater than yours.

A day would be fine with me.

I think the important thing here is we both know

in our minds that we could stop.

I think that an hour would certainly prove that.

Well, from that argument, it follows that 15 minutes would be adequate.

I believe that's just enough time to get back to my place.

Let's hurry.