Original subtitles

Here's a little-known fact,

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

So, Chuck, how's the job search going?

I got something, Sam, but I'm not too excited about it.

I'm a janitor at a biology lab where they do DNA experiments.

You know, making mutant viruses and stuff.

Well, that sounds like a pretty good job.

I don't know. It makes me nervous, all that weird stuff floating around.

Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's safe.

Yeah, absolutely. They take all the right precautions.

Yeah, no problem.

I guess you're right. Must be getting a little paranoid.

You know, I feel better already.

- See you later. - Yeah, take care, Chuck.

Last week on Cheers.

Interesting, interesting.

That was Sam's brother.

He's on his way over.

He hates him.

The guy is better at everything than I am.

I mean, he's perfect.

- Nice voice. Who is that? - Guess.

Your brother is one good-looking guy.

The guy did get me a job.

Norm. Come on, hurry up. He's gonna do some tap-dancing for us.

Your brother's teaching me Spanish.

You think Diane likes Derek?

I don't know, Sammy. I'll pass her a note in gym.

But he's just a man, like any other man you'd meet in Greek mythology.

Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard tonight.

In a plane or on his back?

Whatever you and my brother Derek wanna do is okay with me.

I don't care.

- I'd rather stay with you. - What?

What did you say?

I didn't hear anything.

Is Diane about to fall for Sam's brother?

Will Sam's heart be broken?

Will Norm find happiness in his new job?

Will Coach return to coaching in Venezuela?

Will Carl Yastrzemski please call Cheers and ask for the spitfire?

Well. Well, Coach, it's just clear

we've reached a philosophical impasse here.

You know, much like the question of the tree falling in the woods.

The what?

The tree falling in the woods.

The question is, if a tree falls in the woods

and if there's nobody there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Well, if there's nobody there, I mean, how do you know it fell?

Well, Coach, we kind of... We assumed that it fell, you know.

Yeah, but you don't know.

All right, okay, Coach. I went into the woods yesterday

and saw the tree laying there on the ground.

Well, a bunch of beavers could have chewed at it

and then gently lowered it to the ground, Cliff.

Well, you got me there on that one, Coach. How about another beer?

I'm telling you, you surprise me, Cliff. You're not prepared at all tonight.

Yeah, well, I fell asleep while I was going over my notes

preparing for our conversation today, Coach.

You do that too?

Coach, where's Diane today?

It's her day off. She must be out with Derek.

She's been out with him every day.

You know, I am sick of hearing about her.

Ever since Lady Dye-Job arrived, she gets all the attention.

I mean, nobody cares about me anymore.

Nobody asks what Carla's doing anymore.

No, Carla, Carla, come on, now. Be fair.

You know, we weren't that interested in your life before she got here.

Well, Sam, thanks again.

Yeah, thank you for dropping me off.

You sure you can't come in for a drink?

I'd love to, but I'm in kind of a hurry.

Hey...

...I'm sorry I shrieked the wrong name.

That's okay.

- Hi, everyone. - Hey, Sam.

Sammy, Sammy. Oh, my, my, Sammy.

Hey, Sammy, tell me true now,

not only did that gorgeous-looking girl go out with you, she also drove?

No, she didn't drive. She carried me.

Hey, Sam, I'm proud of you.

You took my little wimp speech to heart there.

It's great to see you back in action again.

Yeah, I wanna thank you for that.

It took my mind off my brother and your skinny coworker.

I don't even care where they are anymore.

Where are they?

Well, Bobby and Susie saw them at the drive-in

sharing a Cherry Coke and fries.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Hey. - Norm.

How you doing, Norm?

Coach, I'm on top of the world,

which is a dismal spot in Greenland somewhere.

How's your new job coming, Norm?

- Don't bring that up. - Why?

I am no longer in the employ of Goldstein, Borman, and Kawakami.

- What happened? - What's...?

I discovered that so-called medical corporation

was a polite term for "den of thieves."

They're in the business of cheating on taxes.

Yeah, so you resigned in protest, huh, Norm?

Well, I took a long lunch and they canned me.

- The last angry man. - Damn right I'm angry, Sammy.

Those are rich people cheating on taxes.

And who has to foot the bill?

Honest folks, like me and you

and all you nice people here at the bar that I've listed as my dependents.

So where's Diane today?

She's not out with Derek again, is she?

I don't believe it.

Hey. Hey. Hey, what happened to all the interesting talk around here?

I mean, I used to enjoy coming in here and listening to a good conversation.

Now there's so much gossip, you should all have driers on your heads.

- I'm gonna be in the office. - Okay, Sam.

- So, what will you have? - I'll have a cup of tea.

- Tea. - And I'll have a small sherry.

- Okay. - Now...

That sounds nice.

Sherry sounds very nice, and it is late afternoon.

I think I'll have a glass of sherry too, please.

Two sherries.

Make that a glass of wine.

White wine.

Wine.

I haven't had a glass of wine in ages.

- Is your wine dry? - Yeah, it's okay.

- Then give me some wine too. - Two wines.

You know what sounds like fun to me all of a sudden?

- What? - A beer.

I haven't had a beer since I don't know when.

I used to have half a beer on a hot day.

Well, it's quite cold out today.

Then put a shot of whiskey with it, and it's perfect.

Two boilermakers, Wild Turkey and Bud.

- I'll run a tab. - Good.

What's wrong, Coach?

I didn't get the job in Venezuela. They hired another guy.

Oh, jeez. What's the matter? They didn't like your Spanish?

No, no, the Spanish was fine. They didn't like my English.

- Gee, that's too bad, Coach. - Sorry, Coach.

Well, que so what, so what.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Diane.

What are you doing here? It's your day off.

I just felt like I needed to be in a place where I had a few friends today.

So that's your next stop?

Not today, Carla, please.

What can I get you, honey?

I'll have a soda water.

You know what, Coach? You never take a day off.

No, Thursday's my day off.

You work every Thursday.

Yeah, but I go a little slower, you know?

So tell me, how you doing?

Not very well.

Well, what is it?

It's Derek.

Well, what about him?

He's flying to Paris today, and he wants me to go with him.

He's a charming man, Coach.

He's everything I've been looking for.

And I think he's interested in me too.

Gee, what a lousy break.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Diane. I mean, maybe it's good.

- It is good. - I'll tell you why.

The second I looked at you and Derek, I said, "Now there goes a cute couple."

Yeah.

What about Sam?

Well, Sam and Derek are a little cuter, yeah.

Coach, let me ask you a question.

Yeah... Diane, you're asking a guy

who's taken a lot of fastballs in the head.

You sure you wanna ask the question?

Coach, do you think I'm a smart person?

You're the smartest person I ever met.

Well, I, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings,

once offered a full scholarship at the Sorbonne,

have allowed myself to become attracted

to a 6'3" bubblegum card.

Well, gee, I think I can help you with the sore buns, Diane, but...

You know, the rest of what you say is all over my head.

Coach, I'm making a confession here.

Not just to you, but to myself.

Maybe I'll feel better after I say this.

I...

- I... - I got it. I got it.

You're hot for Sam's chili.

I think Keats would've said it differently...

...but I'll accept that.

Look, Diane, if you like Sam at all,

I don't understand what the problem is here.

Derek's making a commitment.

All I ever get from Sam is adolescent flirtation.

I'm not sticking around for that.

If he'd give me something, anything, I'd stay.

Diane, Diane, you don't understand Sam.

Sam's the kind of a guy, you know, he keeps his feelings to himself.

I mean, the more he cares about something, the less he shows it.

I've been with him through his divorce, through his boozing,

through the end of his career, and let me tell you something,

the tougher things got, I mean, the cooler he got.

You know something? It's a damn sure bet

that if he's not expressing himself to you, he's nuts about you.

Or he couldn't care less.

Diane, do you mind if I say something?

Of course not, Norman.

Sometimes, a man and a woman

are so afraid of being vulnerable to rejection

that neither one of them will take the first step

of admitting their true feelings.

Norman, that's beautiful.

I do have a romantic side, Diane.

I know I make a lot of jokes about Vera...

...but the truth is, if that woman ever packed her bags and left me...

...I don't know what I'd do...

...first.

Well, I guess I have no choice but to force the issue. Where's Sam?

He's in the office, honey.

I'll tell him I'm going away with his brother and see what he does.

If, for the first time in his life, he's honest

and doesn't hide behind that tough jock façade, I'll stay.

But if he does one of his blithe, gratuitous jokes, I'm leaving.

- I swear it. - Whoa, wait a minute.

Whoa, Diane. Diane, hold on.

You're putting your whole future on the line in this one moment here.

You're letting your whole life turn on this one response.

In a way, you're right.

Can it wait till I go to the head?

No.

I'll hear about it.

Coach. Coach, what did you do that for?

I mean, that was our chance to get rid of her once and for all.

Are you crazy?

Crazy, Carla?

Crazy like a doorknob.

Hi, Diane.

Sam, your brother Derek has asked me

to go to Europe with him, so I've come to say goodbye.

Damn it.

- I didn't need to hear that. - What? What's wrong?

Well, it's too late to put a help want ad in tomorrow's paper.

Goodbye, everyone.

I'm leaving now.

I'll miss you all very much.

- Bye, Diane. - Bye.

Bye-bye.

Sorry, honey, I'm not interviewing till Monday.

Get this straight. I'm going away with him.

Good. Have fun.

This could lead to marriage, you know. Probably will.

- Oh? - Probably, nothing.

- Will lead to marriage. - Great.

We'll be Diane and Derek Malone.

We'll buy a spread somewhere and call it "The Double D."

It'll make a nice brand.

Children. We'll have blond, blue-eyed children everywhere.

Have them brush after every meal.

I'll be your sister-in-law. You'll come over for dinner and say,

"She sets a good table, and she keeps herself up."

I had to say something. You just fed me.

I'll send Christmas cards every year. "To a wonderful brother at Christmas."

It'll be nice to be remembered on the holidays.

The cards will have pictures of us.

Derek and I, the kids, the dogs.

The blond ones will be the kids?

- This is all right with you? - If you're happy.

I'm ecstatic. Goodbye.

See you at the wedding. Do I get to kiss the bride?

I think you know what you can kiss.

This is it, everyone. I bid you a fond farewell.

I've enjoyed knowing all of you. You've brought a lot to my life.

- Bye, Diane. - Bye, Diane.

Goodbye, everyone.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Farewell. - Would you get the hell out of here.

I won't let it end this way.

I've had warts that went away quicker.

What did I hit?

My nose. You're supposed to knock.

You were coming out to say something to me, weren't you?

- What is it? - I wasn't gonna say anything.

Yes, you were. What was it?

Go to the airport.

- Say it! - No.

All right.

- Bye, Diane. - Bye.

The blackboard from the poolroom. What are you doing with that?

Say what you were gonna say, or you'll be sorry.

Don't do that. I hate that.

Don't, don't, don't.

- Sing. - No, don't. I hate that. Please stop.

Would you just stop? Put that down, please.

Just put it... No! All right, all right, all right.

Please don't go.

- Ask me nice. - Come on, would you?

I mean it. I deserve that much.

- Ask me nice. - All right, all right. Just put it down.

Put the blackboard down.

Put it down.

Please stay.

- Why should I? - Go on. Get out.

Get out. Go on.

I'm not sticking around here just on the hope

that maybe something will happen between us.

What is it you want from me?

I want you to tell me what you want.

I'll tell you what I want. I'll tell you exactly what I want.

I wanna know what you want.

You're doing it again.

Listen, look...

Will you just explain one thing to me? It is very important to me.

Why aren't you with Derek?

Because I like you better.

Diane, listen, all the jealousy I felt for my brother over the years...

...is nothing to what I've felt these last five minutes.

Sam.

I think we're about ready to start something that might be kind of great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we should...

...kiss or something.

Well, no, we're not gonna just kiss.

We're about to start something.

I mean, a kiss is where you start, isn't it?

You don't make an announcement when you're about ready

to kiss someone romantically.

No, it wasn't an announcement.

I just didn't want to catch you off-guard. That's all.

On our first kiss, it's okay to be off-guard.

You should be swept away.

Well, I was. I was.

Nobody's swept away when they have the presence of mind

- to say, "Maybe we should kiss." - All right, all right.

You're right. You're right.

All right, when I do it, I won't say anything.

No, no, this isn't right either.

Hey, I didn't say anything.

I was swept away.

Sam, let's face it. The moment's not right.

We're too aware of what we're doing.

All right. All right, you're right. You're right.

This whole thing is not going the way it should.

Maybe we should just forget about the kiss and hit the sack.

This is the dumbest conversation we have ever had,

which means it's the dumbest conversation that's ever been.

Maybe this whole thing is just a mistake.

- What whole thing? - This whole thing we're trying to do.

Every time we try to get together, something goes wrong.

Just because I'm a neat-looking guy and you're hungry at the moment,

- doesn't mean that... - Hungry?

No. No, don't. Don't. Don't, no, no. Listen.

Listen, what I mean by that is... You've been here a long time.

Now, if something were gonna naturally happen,

it would have happened by now. It's silly of us to try to make it happen.

Oh, fine.

You tell me this now that I've let Derek go.

No, don't throw Derek in my face. Now, you never cared for Derek.

You just used him to trap me.

- Trap you? - Yeah, that's right.

I'm the best thing that could've happened to you,

and you're too stupid to realize it!

Are you kidding me?

You are the worst thing that happened to me.

Before you came here, I was a happy man!

You believe you were happier before you met me than you are now?

Hell, yes!

How do you think it feels

to be attracted to someone that makes you sick?

I could write a book on the subject.

You can't shut up long enough to write a check.

As a matter of fact, you can't shut up at all.

- You're trying to change the subject. - No, I'm not. No.

The subject is you can't shut up long enough to kiss me.

You know, to save your life, I bet you couldn't shut up for 30 seconds.

- Make it ten. - I most certainly could.

All right, let's see.

- You're going to time me? - That's right. I'm gonna time you.

Ten seconds, starting... now.

- This is the most moronic... - You wanna try again?

I wasn't really trying. You wanna see me do this?

All right, fine, starting... now.

- This is the craziest thing... - Good. Really good.

All right, so I can't do it.

Silence is overrated anyway.

- At least I have something to say. - Meaning I don't?

The last conversation I had with Derek...

...was about walking on the moors like Heathcliff and Catherine,

and I threw it all away for this.

Good. I'll tell you what you do. I'll tell you what you do.

Will you get out of here? Go on.

Take her with you. Go on.

Don't push me.

Why don't you just go find Derek.

- Fine. - Shouldn't be too hard to find him.

- Just follow the sound of applause. - Maybe I will.

- Maybe I can still catch him. - Fine.

And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this,

You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met.

You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son...

Shut up! Shut your fat mouth.

- Make me. - Make you?

My God, I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office!

Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow.

Or should I say funnier?

You know... You know, I always wanted to pop you one.

Maybe this is my lucky day.

You disgust me. I hate you.

- Are you as turned on as I am? - More.

Bet me.

Now I'm gonna nibble on your ear.

Don't tell me you're going to nibble on my ear.