Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Good night, Danny. Now, be careful going home, now, huh?

Boy, that guy sure chewed your ear off there, Coach.

Yeah, but what a nice guy, Sam. Hey, you know something?

That's the first person I ever met that was actually on the Titanic, Sam.

- He survived the Titanic? - I forgot to ask.

Why didn't you call me over? I would've loved to have heard that.

Well, gee, Sam, I figured you heard it. You know, a big boat, it hit an iceberg.

Bang, down it went.

Listen, from now on

when you hear an interesting story like that, call me over.

It's one of the joys of bartending.

If you wanna hear interesting, forget the Titanic. Come over here.

- What? What? - Glenn, tell him what you said earlier.

- Go ahead. - Yeah, what? What?

I know all the words to the Bonanza theme song.

Go ahead, let him hear it.

We got a right to pick a little fight Bonanza

If anyone fights any one of us He's gotta fight with me

We're not a one to settle up and run Bonanza

Anyone of us starts a little fight Knows he can trust on me

One for four, four for one This we guarantee

One for four, four for one This we guarantee

- Howdy, sports fans. - Hey, Norm.

- What will it be, Norm? - Fame, fortune, fast women.

Yeah? How about a beer?

Even better.

How's the search for work going, Norm?

I got good news, everybody. I am no longer looking for a job.

I'm now begging for one.

- Well, I don't believe this. - What now?

That was my mother on the phone.

She just flew into town and she's coming over here.

No kidding? Hey, we finally get to meet her, huh?

This is very strange.

That you have a mother?

No.

That you have a mother that wants to see you?

No. That she's coming over here.

I didn't think Mummy would be caught dead in a place like this.

What are we, too grungy or something?

Yeah, inside an hour ago, I'm in the tub.

You're taking this all too personally, and you shouldn't.

It's just that Mummy doesn't like bars.

Well, bars can be very sad places.

Some people spend their whole lives in a bar.

Just yesterday some guy sat right here next to me for 11 hours.

- Yeah, what kind of a life is that, huh? - Well, it's pitiful, you know.

And, you know, the sad thing is, you know that guy is sitting in a bar

somewhere right now, drinking a beer, going on and on about nothing.

Diane, you know, if your mom is anything like you are,

- everybody's gonna love her. - Oh, well, she's nothing like I am.

She's very eccentric, a little hard to take at times.

Oh, yeah. Worlds apart.

Hey, Diane, if your mother's so rich, how come you're not?

I didn't want that money.

I didn't wanna go through life being handed money on a silver tray.

For you.

Thank you.

Nice.

There she is, my little baby.

Mummy!

Hello, darling.

They didn't even get near each other.

How could anyone miss Diane's mouth?

So this is a bar.

Yes, this is where I work.

Let me introduce you, Mother.

This is Sam,

who wouldn't think of saying anything embarrassing in front of my mother,

- so he wisely says nothing at all. - How do you do?

- Hi. - This is Carla Tortelli.

She says even less than Sam and she's very, very busy.

And down there we have Norman, his friend Cliff.

They lost their tongues in the war.

Oh, Ernie Pantusso, but you can call him Coach.

Or you can call me by my other nickname, Red.

- Red? - Yeah, during his playing days,

- his teammates used to call him Red. - Oh, because your hair was red?

Oh, no, ma'am, because I read a book.

He's very sweet, though. Very sweet.

I just wanna say it's nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.

It's nice to meet you, Sam. Diane's told me about you.

You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.

There's a compliment in there someplace, I'm sure.

It's very nice of you to come all this way.

I thought so too. But you know what tomorrow is.

- No, what? - It's your wedding day.

Congratulations.

My what?

If you're not married before tomorrow, I lose my share of your father's estate.

My God. Why?

Darling, you see, when he died, you were still a little gawky girl.

I mean, with your nose in a book and a terrible facial tic.

Your father was...

Your father was worried that you would never find a mate

and that you would have a lonely life. So he made me promise

that I would have you married

ten years after the day he died.

He even put it in his will.

So if you're still single, I'm cut off.

But why have you waited all this time to tell me?

Father's been dead for ten years.

You know how time flies when you're having...

- Grief. - Grief.

So if I'm not married by tomorrow, you'll be broke.

Oh, put your mind at ease. I'll never be broke.

I'll either be rich or dead. The choice is yours.

Mother, you're seriously asking me to get married?

Well, my attorneys have assured me that it need be in name only,

and just for a few days. There's no other way.

Oh, this is the craziest thing Father ever did.

Not even close, dear.

Excuse me, madam. I dropped the bags off at the hotel.

- Thank you, Boggs. - Nice to see you, Boggs.

I'd be honored if you'd consent to be my wife.

I said, in a pinch, Boggs.

- Now wait over there. - Yes, madam.

Darling, think hard. There's so little time.

Don't you know anyone who'd be willing to marry you for a few days?

Well, I'm afraid there's no one that I'm steadily dating at the moment.

Excuse me...

...rich lady.

You know, I couldn't help overhearing your problems.

Your daughter has a hot thing for the bartender.

I do not!

She likes Red?

He's dumb enough to be your father.

Not him. Sam.

I care nothing. I feel nothing.

Sam, who?

Come off it. You know, we've all noticed the way you two go around

looking at each other like lovesick cows.

Admit it, he's got you steaming under the silks.

This happens to be my mother.

Well, that's why I'm being delicate.

Diane, is this true? How about the two of you?

I'd rather marry Boggs.

I could make you very happy.

I'm sorry, Boggs. That's just a figure of speech.

Thank you, miss.

Diane, he's not a bad-looking fellow.

His cologne's an affront to society, but what harm would it do to ask?

Mother, no.

Darling, please.

I wish I was as strong as you are, but I'm not.

Without money, I don't think I can make it.

All right, I'll ask him. Sam?

- What? - May I speak with you for a moment?

Well, I might as well just come to the point.

That'd be nice.

Would you be willing to marry me?

Boy. This cologne must be doing its stuff.

You see, my very eccentric father

put a very strange clause

into his will providing

that if I'm not married by tomorrow,

my mother will become destitute.

So if you and I could get married just long enough to satisfy the attorneys,

it would really help her out and I would consider it a favor.

I'd consider it a joke. Diane, marriage and me do not mix.

No, no, it's not marriage. It's only a business arrangement.

Just for a couple of days, and then we'll get divorced.

Listen, I've been married before.

You haven't.

Now, just take my word on this. Marriage changes people.

There's not a woman in the world that can stand up there,

hear those words, and not start believing it.

- Well, that's a very sexist thing to say. - No, no, no, it's not sexist,

because there's not a man that can resist it either.

Why, Sam, that's a very romantic thing to say.

Yeah, but the difference is, with men, they get over it in an hour.

With women, it kind of goes on for years.

If you're worried about me, I am only doing this for my mother.

- Right. - I promise you that I will not feel

any emotions toward you.

Look, I learned a long time ago never to trust anybody

wearing a wedding gown, especially a woman. So just...

Forget I asked.

- Hey, I'm sorry... - Never mind. Never mind.

I'm sorry, Mummy. He said no.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, hell.

- Okay, Diane. - Okay, what?

Okay, we'll get married.

- Really? - Yeah, you bet.

Oh, Mr. Malone, how wonderful.

You're both wonderful. Thank you very much.

I'm still rich. I'll get the justice.

Come along, Boggs.

- Thank you for changing your mind. - You're welcome.

I wanted to help out.

- What you're doing is very noble. - Well, thank you.

Where do you wanna go on our honeymoon?

I should've known.

As usual, Mr. Malone has his brains caught in his zipper.

Is this the first wedding ever in Cheers, Coach?

Nope. Frankie Flaherty got married in this bar, Norm.

- Yeah? - Yep. He met Janet at that corner,

proposed to her right here, right in front of me,

they got married over there, had their first fight up by the piano,

she caught him in the poolroom with a woman,

shot him dead in the alley.

- Whoa. That's an incredible story. - Really.

Wanna know where he's buried?

- Where? - He ain't. He's cremated.

- Thank God. - Here's his ashes.

- We've got the license. - So, what took you so long?

I thought while I was down there,

I'd pay my water bill and register my bicycle.

You know what they're asking for a bicycle license nowadays?

- Sam, shut up. - Sorry, dear.

I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Harrison Fiedler,

a justice of the peace who will perform the ceremony.

Hi, Justice.

We need witnesses.

Yeah, every accident needs some witnesses.

Sam. Sam, please, I'd be proud to be your best man.

Oh, I'm honored, Coach. Thank you.

You know the day Diane walked in here, I knew the two of you

- were gonna get together, Sam. - Coach, this is just temporary.

Oh, I knew that too.

Tell me, how come you never got married?

Well, Norm, Coach, it's unfair to ask a woman to be the wife of a mailman.

Watching him get up every morning, strapping on that old mail bag,

going out and hitting those mean streets,

never knowing whether he's coming back or not.

Yeah, right.

Somewhere out there is a beagle with your name on it, right?

Excuse me, I think we should begin.

- Are you ready, Mr. Fiedler? - Oh, I'm ready.

May I have the license?

The groom's name is Schwinn?

That's my bicycle license.

Excuse me.

Diane, do you think we could lose the aprons?

Oh, the aprons. Carla, the apron.

Gee, I didn't know it was gonna be this formal.

- Are you okay? - I'm fine. Fine.

Just a business arrangement.

I do appreciate it, for Mummy's sake, though.

You're welcome.

Just remember, no emotions.

If I feel anything romantic, I will run screaming from the room.

And I will clear a path for you.

Would the bride and groom come forward, please?

We are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses

for the purpose of uniting in matrimony

Diane Chambers and Sam Malone.

"The contract of marriage is most solemn

and not to be entered into lightly,

but thoughtfully and seriously and with a deep realization

of its obligations and responsibilities.

Any two people who have come to this point

clearly feel the love and joy that they find in one another

can surmount whatever obstacles lie in their path."

Sam, do you take...?

Do you mind?

What?

Never mind. I'm sorry. Please go on.

Sam, do you take this woman to be...

What did I do?

I saw the leer.

- Leer? Oh, come on, Diane. - Oh, please, please.

Please go on. I'm sorry.

Sam, do you take this woman to be your lawfully...

She's a customer in my bar.

I smiled, that's all. Go on.

She's a woman.

Well, I'll be darned. So she is.

To have and to hold, from this time forward...

- You know, it was just a look. - Oh, just a look?

This is just a look. This is what you did.

- Can we get on with the ceremony? - To have and to hold, from this...

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. What's the big deal here?

You're beginning to sound like my wife or something.

Excuse me. We are getting married.

Now, I may not be asking for 50 years of love, honor and obey,

but it would be nice if during the ceremony you didn't drool.

Boy, you know, you really are demanding.

You know, I don't understand why you're trying to make me so crazy.

I don't understand why you have chosen this moment to demonstrate

- to everyone your utter lack of class. - Look, I'm the one doing you the favor.

- Well, don't do me any favors. - Children, please.

Hey, just butt out, Mom. You know, I'm beginning to think this

- is the stupidest thing I ever did. - The stupidest thing?

There is no stupidest thing you ever did.

Everything you do is equally stupid.

Including not throwing you out of here the minute I saw your stupid face.

- Sam, do you have the ring? - Hey, shut up.

All right, that's it.

We're making a mockery of marriage and it's all my fault.

There'll be no wedding here today, not between the two of you.

- Fine. - Fine.

- I hate your guts and I always will. - Yeah, well, that goes double for me.

I understand they wrote their own vows.

You know, 30 minutes ago

I was a wealthy woman, and now I can't pay for these drinks.

Oh, don't worry about it. The drinks are on me.

I don't want your charity. And I don't want your pity.

But I will take your money.

Well, if it hadn't been for dear old Dad

and his strange clause in the will,

you would never have been in this predicament.

Now, darling, you mustn't think ill of your father.

He was concerned. He loved you very much.

You know that, don't you?

Yes, I guess I do.

And in his strange way, I think he loved me too.

Unfortunately, he loved a good joke more.

Spencer, wherever you are tonight,

I hope you're frying.

You two are still here, huh?

We'll lock up.

How are you getting home?

How are we getting home, Mummy?

Oh, Boggs is waiting outside to drive us.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

I'm sorry too.

I told you, weddings do weird things to me.

Well, I must admit, I got a little swept away myself.

I think I owe you an apology too, Mrs. Chambers. I'm sorry.

What I asked you to do was unfair.

Are you all right?

Actually, I...

I'm really quite afraid.

Afraid of what, Mummy?

I'm afraid of being poor.

I was poor before I met your father,

and it took me years to really forget how...

...being poor felt.

Excuse me, madam, could I have a word?

- What is it, Boggs? - I heard of your tragedy.

I'd be honored if you'd consent to be my wife.

- It's too late for that, Boggs. - No, I meant you, madam.

Why, Boggs, have you lost your mind?

I mean, I've only accepted your familiarity over the years

because I was afraid of class warfare.

I am aware of that. However, in view of the developments in the last

half an hour, our stations have, shall we say, grown a little closer.

- Now, then, Boggs. - Madam,

it so happens I have a considerable sum of money stashed away.

Really?

Where did you get it, Boggs?

From you and yours, madam.

I've been embezzling from your family for close to a quarter of a century.

Why, Boggs, how clever of you.

Exactly how much money do you have?

As I recall my Emily Post, a lady does not ask her chauffeur

how much he stole from her dead husband.

Let us just say, I am very comfortable.

Shall we go to dinner and talk about the future?

Bon appetit.

You know, Boggs,

I must confess,

I've always found the back of your head...

...enormously attractive.

I sensed it, madam.

- Would you do me a favor, madam? - What's that?

Would you drive?

Kinky.