Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

You're in a pretty good mood tonight.

Why not?

Last night I was up till 2 in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.

I hope he thanked you for it.

I see that Coach and George are still at it.

Yeah, it's kind of fun, they enjoy each other's company.

Well, it's nice to have someone your own age to spend time with.

Been through the same fads, you've seen the same films,

you don't have to explain things. There's a real comfort in that.

It's too bad we're not closer in age.

Isn't it?

However, six or seven years really isn't that much.

Gee, I would have thought eight or nine.

I find older men stimulating.

I hope you're not talking about me.

Oh, certainly not. You're not in the least bit stimulating.

Hey, listen, seriously, I would not worry about your age.

You're obviously young enough to bring that Kierkegaard fella home.

Do you two think that you could put your glands on hold long enough

to get some work done here, huh?

You win again, George.

I just had all the cards today, Coach.

- You'll get me tomorrow. - You bet I will.

Take it easy, pal.

- Always do. See you, pal. - So long.

- See you, folks. - Take care.

Sam...can I borrow 20 bucks till payday?

You bet.

Oh, boy, was that George hot.

I didn't know you played for money.

Wow, every day for months too.

How many games have you won?

Well, if I had to take a guess, let me see...

...none.

- None? - Well, Sam, you know,

I've been right in there every game.

No, Coach, that guy's a hustler.

Come on, Carla. George and me, we're like pals.

Hey, hey, it's how they operate. Trust me.

We're only playing for fun.

How much fun have you lost?

About eight grand.

- Eight grand? - Oh, Coach.

But that's-- Wait a minute, wait, that's spread over since last February.

Look, damn it, don't you see what he's doing?

I mean, Carla's right. He's taking you for everything you got.

I can't believe it.

Sam, you are at least six or seven years older than I am. Now admit it.

Would you wait a second, please.

We just discovered that George has been

hustling Coach for a lot of money here.

George?

- That sweet, white-haired gentleman? - Yeah.

- Piffle. - No, Diane, it's true.

Gee, Sam, isn't there anything we can do about it? Anything?

I got it.

We beat him up, strip him, take his money, and put him on a bus.

Subtle, Carla.

Hey, that's how I got to Boston.

I just had the worst idea I've ever had.

Worse than hiring her?

I just had the second worst idea I've ever had.

Remember Harry?

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

Come on, come on. Maybe he can help us out here a little bit.

You mean that hustler you always throw out of here?

- Yeah. - Sam,

that's like calling Spinoza to settle an argument

between Nietzsche and Schopenhauer.

She's got a point there, Sam.

Look, I think it's a mistake to trust Harry.

No, come on, look.

George is a con man, Harry's a con man.

What's the old saying? "Send a thief to--"

- "To camp for the summer.' - Right.

I don't even know where to find him. Does anyone know?

Yeah. I know exactly where he is. In jail, like he always is.

You sure?

Yeah, in Boston, please, for the city jail.

- Sure you don't mind me doing this? - No, no, go ahead, Sam.

I use information to get numbers all the time.

Hey, Coach.

- Hi, Harry. - Harry,

Harry,

here's the ten bucks I'm gonna owe you in about five minutes, all right?

Thanks.

- Hey, Coach, where's Sam? - He'll be out in a minute, Harry.

Wanna play for a drink?

Not a chance, Harry, no way.

Don't show fear.

He smells fear.

- Cliff. - Hey, Harry.

You feel lucky?

- Well, yeah, sure, why? - Tell you what?

I'll bet you a dime I can drink that drink without touching the hat.

Dime, huh?

- Okay, you're on. - Okay, you'll love this.

It's gone.

Yeah, huh?

Hey, what's so good about that? I mean, anybody can do that.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I can do that.

No.

- A dime. - A dime.

A dime, yeah. Coach, another shot, please.

Yep.

The dime says I can drink the old shot there without touching the old chapeau.

Are you ready?

Okay, that baby's gone.

- No. - Yeah.

That's great, Cliff. That's worth a dime.

Hey, go ahead and laugh, Norm, at least I got my money back.

Five bucks for the booze, Cliffo.

- Thanks, Cliff. - Yeah. Yeah, anytime, Harry.

- What's the matter? - What's the matter?

Hey, if you'd given as much money to the space program

as you have to that guy, we'd have condos on Venus.

Harry, thank you for coming. Can I get you a drink?

For free, it's too easy.

All right, let's go sit down over there. Coach, you wanna join us, please?

- Sure. - Carla, you got the bar?

Oh, she always gets to watch the bar.

- Diane, you may have the bar. - Oh, goody.

Diane has the bar.

- Yes? - I need a bloody Mary.

A bloody Mary coming up.

Where do we keep the Mary?

The Bartender's Guide.

Bloody.

"The Bloody Mary.

There's nothing like a fresh bloody Mary to start any day.

This is a traditional favorite served with lunch, brunch

and often, in quotes, 'as the hair of the dog that bit you.'

Its colorful name derives from the story--"

Make the drink!

Now, that's Eddie the Mole. He's from Phoenix.

They call him Moleman or moley.

- In Philly they call him Sid. - Sid?

Philly's a dull town.

So, what you're saying here is he's pretty well-known, huh?

Any bird-dogger knows him.

He runs paper and cubes, mainly in the crib,

but sometimes right up against the wall.

Puts on a straight-up guy kind of front

and then grinds away slow with coolers and hoptoads.

Real rip-and-tear kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds...

It seems to me he got in trouble with the boys in Vegas last year

and he's been keeping kind of a low profile.

Could be him. You know, a lot of those guys lay low

by making small money off dumb saps.

So where do I come in?

Sam, excuse me. Where do you keep the measuring spoons?

We don't have any.

What?

"Precise measurements are one of the keys to a good drink." Page 12.

Serving it the same day it's ordered is right up there too.

- Carla, I-- - Hey, girls, please, please.

Come on, Harry, you got anything? You got any ideas?

Well, I think you need a poker game. The Mole is not known for poker.

Coach, why don't you call him up

and tell him you have a little game going here at closing.

Okay, now that makes you the roper. You bring him into the game.

Wait, how do we know that he brings enough money

to cover Coach's losses?

Don't worry about that. The guys always carry a big roll.

They gotta be ready for action.

Now, you, Sam, you have to promote this as a friendly neighborhood game.

- You're the inside man. - I'm with you so far.

Okay, now I'm gonna need a bankroll this week.

You just lost me, Harry.

Sam, if you don't stake me, it doesn't go down.

- I need about five grand. - Five grand? Are you kidding me?

This whole thing's getting out of hand.

Sam, please. Please, Sam.

All right. I'll be the...

What do you call the guy who brings the money?

You call him the guy who brings the money.

- All right. - One other thing, Sam.

I appreciate this.

It's all right. I appreciate getting bailed out.

Besides, I don't like the idea of somebody else plucking my pigeons.

See you.

Thanks, Sam.

A dash of pepper.

A lot of ingredients in a bloody Mary, Sam.

Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up five gallons

and put it in the refrigerator beforehand.

How come you're doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it?

I wanted to see her try and make vodka.

Closing time.

Hey, Sammy, let me get this straight here.

Now, whatever we lose, we're gonna get back. Right?

- That's right. - Great. I love to gamble without risk.

Oh, Sam, would you mind if I stay and watch?

- No. - Oh, I promise, I promise,

I won't ask a bunch of dumb questions.

- You won't even know I'm here. - Okay.

So why poker?

Why not crazy eights? Why not chess?

Why don't I shut up like I said I would?

Oh, I always get this way when I'm nervous. You know?

Sam, what can I do to stop?

I'd know what to do with hiccups or something, but runaway chatter is--

- Hello, everyone. - Hi, George.

Hello, George.

I understand you fellas have a little poker game going tonight.

Yeah, yeah, some of us get together every once in a while.

Coach thought you might like to sit in.

I haven't played poker in years.

I just hope I don't embarrass myself.

Embarrass yourself? You're playing poker with a bunch of guys

who can't bet and chew gum at the same time.

We got an extra chair here, Harry, if you wanna sit in.

Who, me?

Well, I've heard that poker can be a pleasant diversion.

If it doesn't get too intense.

Aren't you playing, Coach? Not me, not me, George.

Gin's my game.

Okay, minimum buy-in is $500. Let's see some money, gentlemen.

Boy, you're pretty, pretty good, huh?

Lucky tonight.

- Yeah. - Real lucky, huh, Harry?

Your bet, Cliff.

Okay, I'll see that 50 and...

...and I'll raise you...

Let's see, I'll raise you 100 Paul Revere commemoratives.

You can't bet stamps.

I'll fold then.

Up to you, Norm.

The Lord hates a coward.

I'll see the 50,

and raise $300.

- You're bluffing. - You're right. I'm out.

I'll raise 500.

Too rich for my blood.

I'm calling you, George.

Looks like it's my night, huh, boys?

Harry, Harry, maybe we... Maybe we ought to get out of the game, huh?

- What for? - Oh, no reason, no reason.

You lost most of the money I put in.

George has got all the cards and you're playing lousy.

- Silly of me, I guess, huh? - Everything's fine. I'm toying with him.

I'm giving him a false sense of security.

I think you're giving him a genuine sense of security, Harry.

Hey, fellas, let's play cards, huh?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Straight to the jack.

Damn it.

- What the hell happened? - I lost.

Well, no kidding. You lost everything I put in there.

Why didn't you cheat? That was the whole point, wasn't it?

Sam, I ran every gaff I know and he beat me.

All right? He beat me.

Sam, I don't know what to say to you except I'm sorry.

I'm gonna go wash up.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.

- Sam, Sam, can I ask you a question? - What?

- Does four of a kind beat a straight? - Yeah, of course.

Then why didn't Harry throw in these four threes?

- Look what time it's getting to be. - George, wanna hang on a second?

- What's going on here? - Nothing. I'm just going on home.

Well, maybe not. Maybe not.

You and Harry concocted this whole deal this afternoon, isn't that right?

What are you gonna do now, go outside and split up the winnings?

Of course not.

Then you wouldn't mind if we just take our money back.

Try anything and I'll tell the police about this poker game.

You could lose your liquor license.

You must have done this before, huh?

Look, George, you made a fool out of me and you can keep my money.

It's okay.

I just want all my friends here to get their money back, every penny.

Do you understand, George? Every penny.

I'm not giving you any of my money back, Coach.

Well, what if we cut up Harry's share, huh?

You know, that's not such a bad idea.

You could play him again, beat him, and give us our money back.

Well, I never did like the guy.

I'll challenge him to another game.

Do you think you can beat him?

Of course I can.

I can have three queens in my hand at any given time.

All I need to know is when he can't beat that.

- You mean like a sign, huh? - Yeah.

- Sam, please, let me give the sign. - No.

Sam, all this trouble's on account of me, Sam.

Please let me give the sign, please.

I don't know, Coach. I mean, that's kind of tricky, isn't it?

Well, he is the last person Harry would figure being in on anything clever.

Just don't screw it up. Come here, Coach.

Now, give your sign the first time Harry can't beat three queens.

- Three queens. - Now, what's the sign?

Let me see.

I'll rub my nose like this. It's the old bunt sign.

Got it.

Okay, good night, everybody.

- George, you need a ride downtown? - I'm afraid they're on to us, Harry.

On to what?

They figured out our little prank.

Oh, well, I've gotta run.

Come on, Sam.

Times are hard, you know?

A guy's gotta do what he can.

Harry, I was never much of a team player,

especially with Boston small-timers.

Why don't you and me play a little one-on-one...

...for the whole jackpot?

You know, Mole,

I was never too impressed by Arizona hustlers, except they got good sinuses.

Hey.

You're on.

- Mind if I deal? - No.

- What's the game? - Five-card draw, no limit.

- Here's your half. - Fine.

- Ante's a yard. - What?

A hundred dollars. Pay attention. Jeez.

I'll bet two.

It's covered.

What do you need?

- One. - Dealer takes one.

Oh, George, did you see that?

Yes, I did, Coach.

George, I scratched my nose because it was itchy.

Right, I saw you do that.

It was really itchy, George.

And that's why you scratched it.

- Exactly. - Hey, stimulating conversation, huh?

Are we playing cards or what?

It's George's bet.

Harry, let's stop fooling around.

Now I'm going into my private stash.

Ten grand.

Oh, I like those socks.

You're covered.

Three little ladies.

- Four threes? - That can't be.

Seeing is believing, Mole.

George, why did you make the bet?

Because you scratched your nose, you idiot!

But I told you why I scratched my nose.

Okay, that does it.

Harry, I never wanna see you come through that door again.

Don't worry, Malone. You won't.

You caused me to lose a fortune, you old fool.

You're a stupid, blundering moron, who deserves to lose his money.

What a night.

I don't believe the whole thing happened.

I feel so used.

Now, come on, what are you doing?

Oh, Sammy, I think he's snapped.

Coach.

He's laughing.

What are you laughing at?

That.

One born every minute, huh, Coach?

- We did it, Harry! - Okay, Coach.

There's your money. Now who wants to play double or nothing, huh?

You had George conned that the two of you were working together

while all along it was you and Coach.

- You're not even close, Sam. - Yeah, he is.

Oh, that's it exactly.

Come on. Everybody, coffee's on me.

- All right. - Great, Coach.

So only you and the Coach knew about this?

Why didn't you let us in on it, huh?

I didn't think you were bright enough to pull it off.

I still don't like you.

Hey, Harry.

Hey, you feeling lucky tonight?

- What you got in mind? - Game of chance.

Simple cut of the cards.

What are the stakes?

If I win, I get to go to bed with you.

What if I win?

You get to go to bed with me.

Forget it.

I understand.

You'd rather earn it.