Original subtitles

Here's a little known fact: Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Excuse me, I've got to powder my nose in the men's salon.

Hey, you know, you look a little like Tip O'Neill.

Yeah? You know, a lot of people say that.

Really, I'm a better-looking fellow than he is.

Oh, my God, you are Tip O'Neill! How do you do?

- I'm Sam Malone. - You used to throw for the Sox?

Yeah, that's right. What are you doing here in Cheers?

Well, I'm walking down the street, and a lady stopped me,

started to tell me about her philosophy of life, her philosophy of government,

and so I ducked in and thought I'd have a quick one.

Well, what can I get you here?

There you are!

Oh, Mr. Speaker, forgive me for being so relentless,

- but I really wanna talk-- - Diane, Diane.

- Step into the office for a minute. - What? I'll be right back.

- What is it, Sam? - No, she won't.

One more quick one, Coach, then I really gotta run.

Hey, hey, Norm, what were you saying last week

about that do-nothing Congress down there in DC?

They're a bunch of clowns.

- You think so, huh? - Yeah.

The average guy off the street, he could do a better job.

- No. - Sure.

This bozo right here could probably be a better Congressman than them.

Oh, yeah?

You know, I may run for office someday.

Oh, yeah. You do that.

You're out of work too, huh?

No, I'm Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Don't be ridiculous!

That'd make you Tip O'Neill, and me...

...a horse's butt.

You said it, not me.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

What can I do for you, Norm?

Well, I am gonna need something to kill time before my second beer.

- How about a first one? - You got it.

I'm glad you came in today, Norm. Big day.

Yeah? What's going on?

The Miss Boston Barmaid's Contest. They're picking the finalists today.

- What is it? - "What is it?"

Paul, it's only the biggest event of the year.

I mean, words can't describe it.

A bunch of waitresses serve drinks, and one of them wins.

Yeah, that's about it.

Coach is particularly excited today

because this year the contest is being held right here at Cheers.

- All right! - Yeah!

You know, I hate to burst your bubble, Coach, but the contest's a phony.

You gotta fool around with the judge to get in.

Oh, that's disgusting!

Yeah, and he won't return my calls.

Hey, everybody, I want your attention.

They picked the finalists for the Miss Boston Barmaid Contest,

and this year Cheers is gonna win.

Finally, they're letting in preggos!

No, no, no, Carla. It's not you, it's Diane.

- Sam, Diane's pregnant? - No, no, no.

- She's a finalist, Coach. - Oh, give me a copy.

That proves it. There is no God!

That little pixie. She didn't say a word about it.

No, no, she doesn't know anything about it.

I entered her without telling her.

Why, Sam? Just to cause me anguish?

Oh, all right, so she's not the best waitress in the world,

but she makes it in these other categories here.

"Perky, pert, congenial and fun."

And I don't?

Sweetheart, you cannot join the contest. You're pregnant.

So? Proves I'm congenial.

- Good point. - Good point.

Oh, hey, Sammy, here she comes.

All right, I want this to be a surprise.

Everybody pretend you don't know anything.

Coach, grab her apron and put it up here next to the paper so she sees it.

- Hello, everyone. - Hi, Diane.

You all look chipper today. What's up?

Oh, come on! I hate this. Tell me.

Really, it's nothing at all.

Something in the paper, eh?

"The Miss Boston Barmaid competi--"

I hate female contests with every fiber of my being.

Why did you want me to see this?

Just to make sure you felt the same way about it that we did.

- Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. - Terrible.

What kind of a ninny would let herself be entered in a contest like that?

- This kind. - That's me!

Takes guts to admit it.

Who did this? Who is responsible for this? I'll kill him.

You did this.

That's it, Wong Song You.

He got killed in the Orient while trying to rescue a nun.

That's him.

You entered me, much as one would enter a heifer in a county fair.

Oh, no, no. Come on, Diane. Honey, no.

The judges, they just come in, they secretly watch you work,

- and then they pick the finalists. - Yeah.

In a county fair, you take the cow to the judges.

- Thanks a lot, Coach. - Anytime, Sam.

Hey, come on, Diane. I thought you'd be happy about this.

Oh, of course, of course.

I love being entered in degrading female contests.

Me too, but I'm always pregnant.

No, come on, this is not degrading.

I mean, in Boston this is considered a very, very big honor, Diane.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Oh, big, big honor.

Hey, Di, I mean, it's a really big, you know...

It's not as big as Mail Carrier of the Year, of course,

but it's up there.

Mail Carrier of the Year?

Who do they give that to, a postman or a pigeon?

- Hey, watch your mouth. - It was just a joke.

Yeah? Well, don't you ever, repeat, ever joke about the US Postal Service

in front of me or any other mail carrier.

- All right? - He didn't mean anything at all by it.

Yeah. I'd like to see how fat and sassy he'd be without his daily mail, huh?

Easy, easy, easy.

I'm sorry, Norm. I just don't know what came over me.

That's okay. You had every right.

Well, the post office is everybody's target.

Oh, but when they want a letter fast, who do they come to on their knees?

- Federal Express. - He's mine!

Sit down!

Sam, these contests perpetuate the attitude

that women are mere objects

to be judged and ranked in respect to how well they serve man.

Oh, come on, lighten up, will you? Relax a little bit.

I mean, this is not the UN here. Have some fun.

Do you think being scrutinized, poked and prodded like a side of beef is fun?

Well, not every day, but on your odd Saturday night...

- What do you think I am? - Are you kidding me?

I just thought you were cute. I mean, is that such a big deal?

Cheers has never won this before. I thought it might be nice if we did.

I thought it might be nice if you won it for us. I mean, I didn't even think.

I just picked up the silly picture and sent it in.

By the way, where did you get that picture?

I... Well, you know, I found it.

Found it where?

Well, as a matter of fact, you were pretty careless.

I found it lying around in your wallet.

Don't you ever go through my wallet again.

Well, don't worry. It was pretty boring.

I'm sorry. if I'd known you were going through it,

I'd have added something interesting.

I have never seen anyone with so many silly pictures of themselves,

you with your cat, you on your pony, you by your car,

you by your car with your cat on your pony.

I'm going to call them at the contest,

tell them exactly what I think of this whole thing and that I won't do it.

No, come on.

Damn it!

Hey, Paul?

No hard feelings, huh?

No.

Hey, it's just that, you know, the Sears catalog came out this week,

and it puts kind of a strain on me.

Yes, I'd like to speak to the person in charge of female dehumanization.

What do you mean "speaking"?

This is in regard to the Miss Boston Barmaid Competition.

I am Diane Chambers,

and I have something to say about this contest and all contests like it.

I only wish the whole world could hear what I have to say.

There will be reporters there?

From all the major papers?

Well, I guess if a contestant had a few things to say,

this would be an excellent forum for them.

Yes, yes, I am every bit as cute as my picture.

Yeah, thank you. I'll see you at the contest.

Hey, Diane.

I just have one thing to say to you, and I mean this.

You stay in this contest or we're no longer friends.

I'm staying in the contest.

Wow! Really?

Yes.

Hey, Diane?

You go to bed with me tonight or we're no longer friends.

Well, I guess you can just push friendship so far.

Norm, hold this for me, will you, Norm?

- Oh, what smells great, Coach? - I just came from the barbershop.

You know, they put some of that zingy aftershave stuff.

Oh, that explains why all these flies are dying here, Coach.

Oh, Diane.

I've been to these things before, so I know what they're looking for.

Basically, it's personality, customer service and all that kind of thing...

...but a nice appearance can't hurt, you know what I mean?

- Sex. - No, no, not sex.

Just a nice appearance, that's all.

For example, like, if you lowered your blouse just a little bit off your shoulders there...

- Absolutely not! - Hey, come on, come on.

Just to check it out.

Come on.

Now, that's very nice, that's very nice.

Maybe mess your hair up just a bit, you know.

That's nice. Lean against the bar here, that's good.

Put your elbow up here like that.

Wet your lips a little, pout.

I thought you said the judges weren't looking for sex.

They're not. I am.

I just checked out the old competition. They look even better up close.

None of those girls have got what I'm looking for, Normie.

- What's that? - Low standards.

Come clean. One minute you're against this stupid contest,

the next minute you're all for it. What's up?

You don't like this contest, do you, Carla?

- It's a sham. - Carla.

You'll be happy to hear I am going to bring this contest to its knees.

I like it so far.

When they introduce me, I'm going to make a statement

denouncing those responsible for this outrage.

Oh, I love it! I love it!

You know, there aren't too many things about you that I like.

In fact, there is nothing about you that I like.

But I always say,

all great friendships start with one small act of vengeance.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the 45th annual Miss Boston Barmaid Competition.

First, each contestant will tell us a little bit about herself.

Yvonne?

Hi, I'm Yvonne.

I go to modeling school, and I'd like to be an artist.

Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I like being a waitress.

I'm saving my money to travel around the world next summer.

Hi, I'm Bonnie,

and I have to say, I really like being just what I am,

a cocktail waitress in the best city in the world.

Boston.

My name is Diane Chambers,

and I would like one day to be known as the voice of my generation.

You see, I am a humanist.

And aren't we all?

Good luck. And if you win, we'll be seeing you on AM Boston.

Just let...

- AM Boston? - That's right.

They're gonna be here later to tape the announcement of the winner

for tomorrow morning's program.

Let the games begin.

Diane Chambers, humanist.

And now Yvonne will wait on the judges

who will ask her a set of prepared questions

designed to help us get to know her better.

Hello there. I'm Yvonne, and I'll be serving you.

What's your pleasure this evening, gentlemen?

Could you recommend something warm and sweet and perfect

for late in the evening?

Irish coffee...

...or me.

And one gin and tonic.

I am moved, Cliff. I am visibly moved.

Gonna be tough to beat.

Now for our last contestant,

someone right from here, Cheers, Miss Diane Chambers.

Hello, I'm Diane and I'm delighted to be your waitress this evening.

- What can I get you? - Screwdriver, please.

- What kind of vodka? - Absolut, please.

Absolutely!

- Chivas rocks. - Chivas rocks.

- And for you, sir? - I'll have a beer.

- Imported or domestic? - What would you recommend?

Well, I'll find something nice for you. Be back in a jiff.

With pretzels.

- Good going. - You're doing terrific, Diane.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. You dropped some cards here.

Oh, never mind.

What is this?

"Women pitted against each other in a public display of servitude"?

Well, I don't know what it means, but it's making me hot.

I'll take my speech. Thank you.

Wait, whoa. What do you mean speech? What are you talking about?

Sam, I'm going to win this contest so I can make a speech denouncing it.

Oh, my God! Is that what you've been planning the whole time?

Sam, I have to do this.

I don't believe I could be so stupid. For a minute there,

I thought you were actually gonna be a regular person for once.

- I am not a regular person. - You're telling me.

Sam, someday you will realize that I am doing the right thing.

Well, why do you always have to do the right thing?

Do you see the rest of us running around doing the right thing?

And we're happy.

- May I go now? - Yeah, go on. Help yourself.

By the way, by the way, I just wanna say

that I'm really happy to see that under all this public pressure

we haven't seen that facial tic of yours.

And you won't. Mind over matter.

St. Pauli Girl.

An Absolut screwdriver.

Chivas rocks and pretzels.

Is there anything else that I can do for you?

Is there something wrong, miss?

- What do you mean? - Are you all right?

Well, I have this facial tic.

But I believe that all of us have obstacles to overcome in life.

And in the final analysis,

the true measure of greatness is the severity of obstacles

one has had to overcome in order to achieve one's goals.

I...

I may not be the most attractive waitress here.

I may not be the most talented.

But I am a survivor.

I didn't come here to lose, I came here to win.

I will beat them all. I will beat any who come against me.

And as God is my witness, I will never be hungry again!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this year's Miss Boston Barmaid...

...Miss Diane Chambers!

Congratulations, Diane.

- Is that AM Boston? - Yes, it is.

I really didn't expect to win this contest. It has--

- Thank you, it has been quite-- - And...

It has been quite--

It has been quite an experience.

Now I would like to tell you my feelings about this contest.

But before you do that, Diane, let me tell you what you've won.

- That's really not necessary. if there-- - Something every waitress needs,

a six months' worth of free dry cleaning at Ritz Cleaners.

Thank you.

Contests such as these can do nothing--

And, for entertaining at home, a Kitchen Helper food processor.

Thank you. That's nice. I've always wanted one.

But really, ladies and gentlemen, it's so important--

A $200 gift certificate from Filene's department store

where you can pick out some new outfits

for that weeklong vacation you and a friend will be taking to Bermuda.

Bermuda? Bermuda! Oh, my God!

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.

Oh, hey, come on, don't feel so bad.

Most people would've done it for the dry cleaning.

Hey, come on.

Look, I don't even think you did sell out.

- Of course I did. - No, you didn't.

What you did was you let your feelings out.

I mean, for the first time in your life, you were spontaneous. It was great.

That's not the first time in my life I've done something spontaneous.

May I have my purse, please?

I enjoy being spontaneous, every now and then.

Whenever I think it's appropriate.

Hey, you're a maniac.

Okay.

Maybe I do tend to be a little uptight at times.

Maybe this bar is changing me.

Maybe the atmosphere here is starting to rub off a little.

Maybe.

And maybe, in some small way, I'm the better for it.

Maybe you are.

Maybe I should thank you.

Maybe you should.

Like how?

Forget it. Forget it.

Hey, hey, come on, wait, you really wanna make it up to me?

Let's go to Bermuda. You got two tickets.

Don't be coy.

All right, I know what you're talking about.

I've been making a lot of passes at you,

but I swear, you take me to Bermuda, I will be the perfect gentleman.

- You will? - Cross my heart.

Then forget it.