All language subtitles for Cheers.S01E17.Dianes.Perfect.Date.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers was filmed
before a live studio audience.

I think, if nobody minds,
I'll take my lunch now.

Do it.

Coach, would you mind?
Right down there.

- Here, honey.
-Yeah.

I got some lovely roast beef
for a sandwich.

Carla, if it bothers you,
I could eat in the back.

No, no. I was a little nauseous
before, but I'm fine now.

Oh, great.

You know, I'm starting to feel
a little hungry myself.

Would you mind handing me
my lunch there, Coach?

- Here you go.
- Thanks. Thank you.

- Mind if I join you, Diane?
- Not at all.

You know, that's another thing
about pregnancy,

You get cravings.

Green olive.

Red pimento.

Nice, juicy anchovy.

Now, you open
the little anchovy's mouth.

Red pimento, stuff it
into the anchovy's mouth.

Sugar...

I think I've just lost my appetite.

Forever.

Works every time.

- Good evening, everybody.
- Norm!

Beer, Norm?

- That's that sudsy, amber stuff, right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I've been hearing
good things about it.

- How's it going, Norm?
- Don't ask.

It's no fun looking for work, Sammy.

- You going out on interviews?
- Three today.

My résumé, right?

Last guy I showed it to
reads it, laughs in my face.

Why would he do something like that?

Well, I'm sorry. It's just that,
well, it's pretty skimpy, isn't it?

You were born, worked at one
company, and you're 5 foot 10.

What you gotta do
is pep this up a little bit.

- No, that's cheating.
- No, it's pepping it up.

Look, I mean, everybody does it.
It's expected of you.

You just take what's here,
just spice it up a little, right?

Yeah.

Lookie, there's Diane and her date
back from the weekend.

Thanks for dropping me off, Walter.

Bye-bye.

You wanna hear me do it one last time?

No, Walter. I have to get to work now.

Twenty-eight.

Why don't you introduce me
to your coworkers?

- I'm sure they'd get a bang out of this.
- Oh, I don't really think...

Hello, Sam.

Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.

- How do you do?
- Ten.

He's able to tell you instantly

how many letters there are
in any sentence you say.

Sixty-six.

- Why that's quite a gift.
- Fifteen.

I've been at it all weekend.

- How many days did it seem like?
- Twenty-four.

Listen, Walter, I have to
go to work now.

Thanks again for a lovely weekend.

Two sentences: 30 and 28.

- Stop doing that, Walter.
- Nineteen.

- I mean it.
- Seven.

No, really, that's enough of this now.
I'd better get going.

Goodbye, Diane.
Nice seeing you, Sam.

- Yeah.
- Four.

- By the way, Walter?
- Fourteen.

Yes, Sam, what is it?

How was Diane on a scale of 100?

Twenty-nine.

Quite a catch.

- Thank you.
- So's a large mouth bass.

Walter happens to be
a distinguished geneticist.

Oh, he studies Jeanettes.

Nice to be back.

Okay, Sammy, we're rolling here.

Those job offers ought to start
pouring in now, huh?

"Norm Peterson, thought-provoking,
poignant, hilarious,

a roller coaster of emotions.

If you hire only one accountant
this year, make it Norm Peterson."

What is this?

He had the paper open
to the movie section, Sam.

Here's the part I like best, Sam. It says,

"At last, an accountant
the whole family can go see."

It's no use, Sammy.
Nobody's gonna hire me anyway.

Hey, come on, hang in there.
Something will turn up.

Come on, you ever thought about doing
anything else besides accounting?

Well, I was in the motor pool
in the service.

- Learned a little about engines.
- Like what?

How to use them for shade.

Norm, let's go have a look
at these want ads.

Well, hello there.

- Did you have a nice weekend?
- Oh, I had a wonderful weekend.

Went to Martha's Vineyard,
long walks on the beach,

hiked over the dunes,
crisscrossed the island on bicycles.

Still couldn't lose him, huh?

You know, you are
the last person in the world

who should take shots
at somebody else's choice of dates.

Not with the coterie of Betty Boops

you squander your time,
money and hormones on.

Hey, I date terrific women.

Yes, and talented.

Without them, the art of gum-snapping
might be lost forever.

At least my dates don't count
the number of letters in sentences.

Your dates can't form sentences.

Okay, all right, you like
dating nerds, nerds it is.

Well, the next time I decide to go out,
I'll check with you first.

That would be a very good idea.

I suppose you know better than I
whom I should date.

As a matter of fact, I do, lady.

I could set you up
with the best date you ever had.

- That's ridiculous.
- I could.

You want me to?

Would you let me set you up?

Yeah. Why not?

I'm tempted to do this just to see
what kind of a joke you'd bring in.

I haven't had a good laugh
for a week.

Certainly not in a weekend.

- I resent that.
- Eleven.

All right, Mr. Matchmaker, you're on.

- Let's set each other up.
- You got it.

You're not gonna pull out
on me now, are you?

No. if you out with mine,
I'll go out with yours.

Tomorrow night?

Well, I'll have...

I just thought of the perfect woman.

Yes. Bright, witty, attractive. Perfect.

- Yeah. This is great, I can't wait.
- Okay.

All right, okay. 8:30 tomorrow night?

Two drafts.

Carla, Carla, who do I know
who'd be a good match for Diane?

What about that guy you used to
play ball with, Fred Wilson?

Fred's dead, Carla.

So? She has to drive.

No, hey, no, I'm--

Hey, I'm serious, Coach.
Who do you think?

You know something? I always thought
you'd make a great date for Diane.

Oh, Coach, that's crazy.

Or is it?

Let me think about that.

Of course, that's what she's doing.

Oh, that's cute. That is cute.

Gee, thanks, Sam.
I have lost a few pounds.

No, no, no. I'm telling you, Coach,
don't you see what she's doing?

She's setting me up with herself.

Why that little scamp!

Yeah, you heard what she said,

"Bright, witty, attractive,
the perfect girl."

She's talking about herself.
Who else could she be talking about?

She's not gonna bring another girl
in here tomorrow night.

She wants to go out with me herself.

I kind of like that. Our first date.
Thanks, Coach. Thanks.

If there's anything I can do for you,
you let me know, all right?

Oh, yeah, Sam, by the way, there is.

One little thing,
if you got some time later on,

could you please tell me what the hell
we were talking about?

- You bet. You bet.
- I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I'm feeling like
quite the matchmaker.

I called my friend. She said
she'd love to go out with Sam.

Carla...

...do you have any idea
who Sam has in store for me?

No.

Hey, Sammy, you're looking
pretty sharp there tonight.

Yeah, what's the occasion
there, Sam?

I've got a very big blind date.

Oh, blind date.
Isn't that a little risky there?

Not in this case. Coach.

Sam.

Oh, Sammy, watching you
get ready for a date

is watching a great matador
prepare for a bullfight.

I hate that stuff.
You know, who wants to see

a guy go and manipulate and torment
a poor, unthinking creature like that?

Hey, I always buy them breakfast,
don't I?

But lookie here, here comes Diane.

Strangest thing,
she appears to be alone.

Mind if I sit here, Sammy?

Enjoy.

- Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Diane.

Hi, Diane.

Sam, ready for your date?

I certainly am. Are you for yours?

Oh, as I'll ever be.
Is he here?

Kind of a dumb question, isn't it?
Of course he's here.

Present and accounted for.

But wherever is my date
for the evening?

Oh, she went to lock the car.

She what?

Oh, Gretchen went back
to make sure her car was locked.

Gretchen?

The point is,
she is a woman of substance, Sam.

She's going to challenge you.

- Gretchen?
- Yes. Oh, here she is.

Gretchen Darrow, Sam Malone.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Yes, you and Gretchen
have a lot in common.

She's a grad student working on
her thesis in kinesiology.

Oh, small world.

That's the study of physical movement,
Sam.

Akin to athletics.

She also lettered in three sports.

So you're the Sam Malone
that used to pitch for the Sox, right?

Yeah, yeah, as a matter of fact,
I am. I am.

Coach, why don't you get Gretchen
here something to drink?

- Sure.
- Thanks, Sam.

I can't believe this.

I knew you'd like her.
I'm a pretty good judge of people.

So let's see how you are.
Where's my guy?

Your guy. Well, as a matter of fact...

...he's in the in the poolroom.

Will you shut up.

I'll just go back and get him right now.
You just hang on here.

He's probably right back here.

Excuse me. What's your name?

Andy. Why?

Well, what're you
doing tonight, Andy?

- Why do you ask?
- Oh, no, no. Hey, no, hey.

- No, I got an extra girl on my hands.
- Oh, I see.

It's worth $20 if you'll go out with her.

Why give me 20 bucks
to take out a girl?

The 20 bucks is not
to go out with her.

It's for a little lie. To pretend we've
known each other a long time,

and that we set this up yesterday.

What do--? My name's Sam,
by the way.

Sam, yeah, I'd probably know that,
wouldn't I?

- Yeah, that's cool.
- Sam, what if this girl doesn't like me?

That's all right.
She doesn't like anybody.

What're you looking at, endomorph?

Nothing.

Nothing, sir.

Here we go, Andy. I'd like you
to meet Diane, and this is Gretchen.

I finally meet Gretchen. Oh, boy,
Sam talks about you all the time.

"Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen."

He just met me.

But I knew you'd be coming along
any day.

No, this is your date,
Diane Chambers.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

Diane, I'd like you to meet
my good buddy, Andy...

Andy.

Andy Andy?

Well, that should be
easy to remember.

- How do you two know each other?
- Well, we--

Oh, she asks good questions,
doesn't she? Good question.

- We met in the pool--
- At the Y. The pool at the Y.

We do a lot of swimming, floating,
kicking, all your basic water sports.

Hey, now we're getting into your area
of expertise, aren't we, Gretchen?

Swimming is one of the finest
cardiopulmonary exercises.

It's also wonderful for the development
of all the major muscle groups,

particularly the latissimus dorsi.

Boy, I bet you're kicking yourself
that I got to her first, huh?

Okay, we're gonna take off now.
You two have a good time.

Oh, you two, too.

Andy Andy and I...

...we'll have fun, fun.

So, what do you think, Andy,
how does Italian food sound, huh?

Oh, boy, I've been hungry
for Italian food all day.

Anywhere but Via Milano.
That's bad memories for me.

I killed a waitress there.

- We'll double.
- Did you hear what he said?

No! No!

Hey, listen, Coach,
you're not gonna believe this.

I was just talking
to the guys in the back--

I'd like to believe it, Carla.

Oh, no, Coach, not that.

You know who that guy
that Sam just set Diane up with is?

Who?

He just got out of the pen
after doing ten years for manslaughter.

Oh, hey, that must be them now.

Yeah, I saw them taking off
on a motorcycle.

You mean, Diane had to ride piggyback
on a motorcycle? That's great.

You didn't think we were gonna make
that last jump, did you?

Well, here we are.
Anybody need anything?

A five-minute head start.

Why don't we just sit down here

and pick up the conversation
where we left off?

So where were we?

Yeah, that was about it.

Do you ever dream
that you have claws?

That's it for me. I've gotta run.
No, don't get up.

I'm warning you.

Good night, all.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go
scrape the bugs off my teeth.

Well...

...I guess that just about does it
there for you, Andy.

Thank you very much.

And thank you.
Sam, everything all right?

Oh, perfect.

Hard to tell. She didn't say much.

Except for that little scream
she let out

when I asked the waiter
for a sharper knife.

Bye.

Is he...?

He's gone. Yes.

In that case...

...let me just say...

...of all the cheap, small-minded,

creepy, sophomoric pranks

you have perpetrated
in your long, arrested adolescence,

this is far and away the worst.

How could you, Sam?

So he wasn't your ideal date.

I'm big enough to admit
when I'm wrong.

Did you really think this was amusing?
Did you have lots of laughs planning it?

Diane, I swear to you,
I wasn't trying to be funny.

What were you trying to do?

The truth is, I never saw the guy
before in my life.

I met him in the backroom, and I...

...paid him to go out with you.

You hired a murderer to take me out
for the evening?

Well, it's kind of funny
when you put it that way.

Oh, look, see, I actually...

I didn't think that you were
gonna get me a girl.

What did you think I'd get you?

Well, I thought--
Well, I guess I...

I thought that you
were talking about us.

You and me.

Well, I thought that you thought...

...you were the ideal date for me
and vice versa.

Really?

You thought that I, that we...?

Oh, I know. I'm embarrassed.
I am so embarrassed. I...

Well, I understand.

Poor Sam.

Thank you so much, my God.

Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
What do you--?

What do you mean, "Poor Sam"?

I didn't realize you were carrying
such a torch for me.

No, I didn't say
I was carrying a torch for you.

I said I thought you were
carrying a torch for me.

I'm certainly not carrying
a torch for you.

Well, then I'm not carrying
a torch for you.

- I mean, my...
- Fine.

Did you...?

Sam.

If you'll admit that you are
carrying a little torch for me...

...I'll admit that I'm carrying
a little one for you.

Well, I am carrying
a little torch for you.

Well, I'm not carrying one for you.

Hey, well, then I'm not carrying
one for you either.

- You just said you were.
- No, I said that

only to get you to admit
that you are, that's all.

Sam, you're making
a fool of yourself over this.

Would you just admit that
you're hung up on me, damn it?

- I am not!
- You are too!

- I am not!
- Just take a look--

Please, please. Do you think
I'd behave like this in your home?

Sorry.

Well, we are being
awfully childish about this.

- Well, maybe.
- Let's leave it at this,

I'm rubber and you're glue.

Everything you say bounces off me
and sticks to you.

- You love me, you love me.
- I do-- I do not!

- Do too, do too, do too, do too, do too.
- Do not, do not, do not, do not, do not.

That is the most embarrassing display
I have ever seen.

You're absolutely right, Cliff.

Anybody can look at them
and see she's crazy about him.

Are you crazy? He's nuts about her.

- Are you nuts?
- He's told me this on many occasions.

I don't want to hear it.
No, no, no!

Oh, for crying out loud!