Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Okay. Closing time. Everybody out.

Harry? Harry, how did you get in here?

Came in the back door.

I don't have a back door, Harry.

Well, then it's my secret.

I've been serving him all night.

Diane, you know I don't like this flimflam man hanging around my bar.

Oh, Sam, that's a bit unfair, isn't it?

Anyone with half a brain can see through his petty little scams and tricks.

Oh, you're too kind. Thanks.

I hope he doesn't try to pull anything on you, that's all.

Me?

It is to laugh.

Diane, you know, I like you. You're a smart cookie.

Let me help you clean up.

You ought to keep the cover on this table,

you know, when you're not using it,

because the heat from the lights will crack the felt. You gotta take care of it.

- Table-- - Harry. Harry.

- I'll take care of it. You can leave. - Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, let me save you a couple of steps with the check anyway. I'll pay Sam.

Oh, thanks.

Take care of that table now.

Men can't make beds either.

Okay, Sam, thanks a lot. Good night.

Harry? Harry, the bill.

Oh, that's okay. I paid Diane.

- Harry, I don't trust you. - Oh, Sam.

Diane, will you tell Sam it's covered?

It's covered.

I'm sorry I'm late, but wait till you hear what I've been doing.

This afternoon, I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.

Your room?

I'm telling you, it was incredible.

Never have I felt more aware and sensitive to what's going on around me.

- Excuse me. - Oh, excuse me.

You see, the whole idea is that there's a total lack of sensory input.

What the hell's going on here?

It's a book-promotion party.

How could that be in a place where no one can read?

My old roommate, Tom Kenderson,

wrote his own autobiography, and I'm in it.

So this is a press conference

to announce the arrival of yet another thickheaded jock epic.

Well, there must be confetti all over the Library of Congress, huh?

Hey, for your information, this one happens to be different.

It's got a lot of good stuff in it.

- Like what? - Well, I haven't read it, actually.

- No, no, no. - Didn't want to wear out your lips?

I was supposed to read it last night, but an emergency came up.

- And what was her name? - Sherry.

But that's not the point, that's not the point.

The point is that Tom's book should be really exciting

due to the times we had together.

See, it's about us, and how we handled the pressures of baseball.

- Oh, yes. - A lot of guys handle it differently.

Some guys turn to the bottle, some guys chase chicks.

And Tom and I couldn't make up our minds, so--

- So you did both. - Yeah.

Okay, well, let me speed-read this sucker...

...and then we can talk.

How long is that gonna take?

I'm on chapter four.

You know what, I always loved that kid Tommy.

I mean, just a riot. He was always pulling something.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

Like, you know, he put my toothbrush in a pair of sweaty socks.

He'd leave dead animals in my locker.

One time, him and a bunch of guys held me down and shaved my whole body.

No. Coach, Coach. You just let him do that to you?

No, no, no, Cliff. What I did was,

he was trying to cram me into one of these clothes driers one day,

I pulled his socks right over his spikes.

- Good one, Coach. - Yeah.

The guys, what a laugh they got.

I could see them through the little window, you know.

They were laughing.

Hey, Mayday.

- Hey! - Tom!

- Hey, wow, what a to-do, huh? - How about this?

- Sam? Sam? - Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Carla Tortelli, Tom Kenderson.

Carla, nice to meet you.

I love you, Tom Kenderson.

Look, here...

Here's my number and a couple of quotes from past lovers.

- Thank you, Carla. - Carla, come here. Sweetheart.

- Sam. He breathed on me, Sam. - All right.

- I'm a whole woman. - Coach, get her a seltzer.

Sam, did you get a chance to read my book last night?

No. No, I didn't, Tommy. I'm sorry.

I really wish you had.

Did you put in that flight to Kansas City

when we jumped in the garment bag with those two stewardesses?

- Yeah, that's there, but there's some-- - Then I'll die happy. I'm fine.

- Let's get you famous, all right? - I don't think--

- Tommy, it's so good to see you. - Hey, Coach.

- Good to see you. How you doing? - Just great.

Tommy, do you remember the time you put the analgesic balm in my jock strap?

- Yeah. - I think of you every time I get the itch.

Well, it's good to be remembered, Coach.

What a guy!

Mr. Kenderson, would you mind if we begin?

Yeah, let's start. Let's do it.

Let us through here. Pardon me.

Before we start here, Sam Malone, come up here. Come on.

I'm sure you all remember Sam Malone,

and if you don't, chapters seven through nine.

No, no, no, I'm a businessman now. I keep my clothes on.

Most of the time.

So you two were real close?

For three years we did everything together. No one ever saw us apart.

Well, Sam, it must have been quite a shock to you

when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet.

You mean-- You mean in Detroit, when I was with the waitress,

and he came out of the closet, and he was wearing a...

That's not what you're talking about, is it?

Yikes.

Is this some kind of joke, Tom?

I wanted you to read the book, Sam.

It's still hard for me to tell people from the old days.

Sam, you were saying that you two used to do everything together?

No, no, no, you misunderstood that. No.

As a matter of fact, people used to come up to me and say,

"Hey, you know, you two are best friends,

and yet you're completely different."

- I remember this time-- - Sam.

Sam, there's an emergency in the backroom.

- What? - I found holes in the pool table.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Will you excuse me?

Some chick wants to see me. I can't get rid of them.

You guys know how that is.

So, honey, you can't go in the backroom without me, huh?

Shut up.

Say it ain't so, Tom. Say it ain't so.

Thank you for getting me out of there

before I made a complete ass out of myself.

I was fast, but you were faster.

It wasn't my fault. I mean, he should've told me.

- Sam, he told you to read the book. - Yeah, but--

He should've known that you'd be spending the evening

with a woman who thinks Candide is a toenail polish.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, the guy was a hound, Diane. He had women everywhere.

We'd be on the road, we'd go into hotel lobbies,

there'd be three, four women holding up kids.

- He covers that, he covers that. - Where?

Here, here. In this paragraph right here.

- Want me to read it? - No, I'll read it.

- Right there? - Yes.

"From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious,

but the greater my fear became of my true sexuality,

the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity."

Does that explain it?

I don't know. I've only read it once.

He was denying who he was. He's no longer doing that.

I should've known.

I remember sitting in a piano bar with him, and he requested a show tune.

Sam.

I do understand why you're upset.

You're afraid that now people will think that you're--

No, I'm not upset. I'm not upset.

It's just that guys should be guys, Diane, that's all.

Sam.

Look, your friend Tom's out there.

He needs your support now more than ever before.

He really hasn't changed.

He's still the same guy you used to tinkle off balconies with.

Boy...

The world was a lot simpler then, you know.

Sam, sorry about all this.

See, I thought you'd read the book, and everything was cool.

Look, I don't wanna cause you any more problems,

so I'm just gonna take off, okay?

Damn it.

Thanks a lot, everybody. It was nice talking to you all again.

So long, Tommy.

Tom?

You still a gin-and-tonic man?

Way to go, Mayday.

I make them the way you like them, on the house. Coach.

- Thanks a lot, Sam. - Hey, listen,

can we get a couple more shots of you guys?

Yeah, sure, you bet.

I appreciate this, Sam. I really do.

Well, you didn't dump me when I had a drinking problem.

Sure I did. You were just passed out at the time.

Pardon me, pal, where are these photos gonna run?

Oh, I don't know. Most of your local papers.

What's the matter?

Same thing's going to happen at Cheers that happened at Vito's Pub.

Sam looks as terrific in black and white as he does in color, huh?

- Yeah. - Looking at Tom breaks my heart.

Hey, everybody.

- Hey, Sam. - Hi, Sam.

We're looking at your kisser in the morning rag here, Sam.

Yeah, I saw that.

Every time I look at this, I feel so proud of you.

You know, I'm kind of glad I did that now.

I think you are taking real strides in your development as a human being.

You know, a couple of other chicks said that to me today.

I think this human being image is gonna get me more action than cheap wine.

Always the high road.

Hey, Norm.

What was that you said yesterday,

when they were taking pictures, about Vito's Pub?

Oh, it's nothing, don't worry about it.

Talk to me, Norm.

Norm, I think it's best he hears it from us.

Go ahead, tell him the story.

All right. You heard of Vito's Pub?

- Yeah. It's a gay bar, right? - It didn't used to be.

It used to be a great bar. I hung out there myself.

Wow, what a story, Norm.

- I'm not finished. - There's more?

One night Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting in the backroom, right?

Gays for the Metric System or something.

Story got in the newspaper, gets a lot of attention,

next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into Vito's Pub.

All the regulars left, Sammy.

Out went the oars and the moose heads, in came plants and ferns.

Ferns.

Just don't want that to happen to Cheers, that's all.

I don't believe that stuff. Bars don't turn gay overnight.

You don't have to believe me. I have scientific proof. Cliff?

- It happened. - See?

Excuse me.

You're talking about them like they're ogres.

The fact of the matter is, there are gay people in this bar all the time.

What...? No way. I haven't seen a gay guy in here in ages.

Oh, I see. You can spot a gay person?

A mile away.

And there are none in here right now?

Nope. Looks like a straight crowd to me.

Too ugly to be gay.

Too ugly to be out.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything,

but you've gone so far in proving you're open-minded, Norman.

There are two homosexual gentlemen in this bar at this moment.

Come on, get out of here.

They told me they were gay, that they appreciated what Sam had done.

That's right, guys.

They're here right now, and you don't even know who they are.

No, she's kidding. Everybody here checks out all right.

Well, I don't know. It occurs to me that Cliff...

...hasn't had a date in quite some time.

- That's right. - Oh, yeah, Norm?

Well, how come we've never seen this Vera you're allegedly married to, huh?

- Could we have a couple of beers, please? - You bet.

Patty-cake alert.

- Hey, you're Sam Malone. - Right.

Yeah, yeah, I saw your picture in the paper this morning.

- That's good. - Can't wait to read that book.

I'm not much of a baseball fan, but that sounds interesting.

It should be pretty good.

Oh, listen, could we have light beers, please?

Light beer.

- Here you go. - Thanks, Sam.

Thanks.

- Sam, those guys look okay to me. - They are okay, Coach.

Yeah, well, maybe we are a little off base here, Norm.

Hey, let's test them out.

I got an idea.

Hey, look at the bagonzas on that babe!

Oh, this is medieval.

I never knew Lorne Greene had bagonzas.

Say, hey, Jack. Change the channel, will you?

I think it's time for the Benito-Venito bout.

Yeah, should be a blood match.

Yeah, they're not watching. Let's string them up.

So, what are we gonna do about these guys, huh?

- Carla. - What?

You're not prejudiced against gays, are you?

Well, I'm not exactly crazy about them.

I mean, I get enough competition from women.

I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet,

there isn't gonna be anybody left to date,

and I'm gonna have to start going out with girls.

Carla, you don't have to worry about me.

I like my dates a little more masculine than you.

Not much, but a little.

I can't believe you're all making such a big fuss

out of two guys walking in a bar.

- Patty-cake. - It's an orgy!

Ferns, Sammy, we're talking ferns.

You-- Come on. I've seen you guys hug.

- Yeah, but we hate it. - Right.

Say, Cliff. I haven't been to Clancy's in a long time.

That still as nice a place as it used to be?

I don't know, Jack. I haven't been there in a long time myself.

- Come on, let's go on over there. - Yeah, good idea.

Give me a break. You guys are kidding, right?

Sammy, we check in in a couple weeks,

and we'll just see if Cheers is still the kind of bar

where a single woman can be assured of being harassed and hit on.

Hey, get back here. All of you, right now. Come on.

You mean to tell me that you guys are bailing out on me?

Sam, I'm telling you, within a month there's going to be wild music,

and guys dancing and exchanging phone numbers.

You know, Sam, you've got some really great friends here.

You've gone out of your way to make a bar

where customers can feel like they belong, part of a family,

and now they're walking out on you.

Quiet!

Perhaps we should step into the backroom.

Anyone having something intelligent to say can follow me.

Fine. Anyone with a two-bit opinion.

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, look.

I've got a simple solution to this whole problem.

See, you just go up to the guys and politely ask them to leave.

- Everything is back to normal, right? - Yeah, yeah.

Sam would never do that, would you, Sam?

Oh, no.

I'm not sure. I mean, these guys are my regulars.

If I lose my regulars, I lose my bar.

And if single women stop coming in here, I have no reason to live.

No emotional appeal here, Sam. This is a purely intellectual argument.

You let this bar go gay, you're gonna have to hire male waitresses, right?

That means that I'm out on the street,

and I'm not going to be able to feed little...

...Sammy Tortelli.

He kicked.

What?

What's that he's trying to say there?

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. Oh, please, don't let Sammy do this to us.

Thanks for keeping emotions out of it.

I think it's a trick, Sam.

- Sit down. - All right, we're all agreed then, huh?

Sammy tells these guys to leave, we don't go to Clancy's. Am I right, Sam?

- All right, all right. - Sam.

Hey, just leave me alone. I'm running a business here.

What do you think I should say to them?

Oh, well, it's very simple.

You just walk up and say, "Hello, we're a group of sniveling bigots,

and we don't care for your kind."

That's good. I like that.

- Hi, fellas. - Hi.

Hi, Sam. What's going on?

Well, I got a little bit of a problem. Maybe you can help me out.

- See, I'm the owner of this bar and-- - Yeah, we know.

We read the article in the newspaper.

Oh, right, right.

- That took a lot of guts. - It really did.

Yeah.

So, what's your problem?

As a matter of fact, I don't have a problem.

Coach, get these guys a beer on the house.

Right, Sam.

What's the matter, Sammy? You chickening out on us?

Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, I thought you always had more character.

Hey, listen, those guys are staying. Anyone else wants to leave, that's fine.

Okay, Sam, you know what kind of bar this could turn into.

It's not going to turn into the kind of bar that I have to throw people out of.

That was the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.

Thank you.

Now, let me say this--

- No! - Fine.

All right, gentlemen, desperate times call for desperate measures.

What are you gonna do?

Coach, last call.

What are you talking about last call? Norm, it's quarter to seven.

No time for last call.

These glasses have to be off the tables by seven bells.

Hey, excuse me.

This bar closes at 7:00?

Well, you know, only on the first Thursday of every month.

You see, we call it Viva La Difference evening.

Yeah, we go home to our wives, girlfriends, workbenches, power tools.

This is the weirdest bar I've ever been in.

Coach, what the hell are you doing?

Sam, this is Viva La Difference night.

- Where the hell did the month go? - What?

Your regulars just tricked those three guys out of the bar.

Let's have a round here, Sammy. It's on Norm.

What's going on here?

Yeah, well, we just got rid of your friends, Diane.

Yeah, it was all Normie's idea. The man's a genius.

Norman, I think there's something you should know about those guys.

- Yeah? - They're not gay.

In fact, one of them tried to hit on me tonight.

- What? - But you said they were.

I said there were two gay men in the bar. I didn't say who they were.

They, along with myself,

have had a wonderful time watching you make complete idiots of yourself.

Yeah, the guys I was talking about are still here.

- Right, guys? - Right.

Better than Vera.