Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

You know, Sam, this is my favorite time of day.

- What's that, Coach, closing time? - No, 1:37.

I don't know, there's just something about it. It's...

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I suppose we all got our favorite 1:37 story.

What's your favorite time of day, Sam?

Gee, I don't know, 8:15, 9.

Yeah, I used to like 8:15. I think I kind of grew out of it.

Hey, wait a minute! Coach, Sammy!

Hey, I don't wanna be left alone locked up in this bar all night...

Quarter to three

No one in the bar Except you and me

Once in a while, a man needs a little time to himself.

- Evening, everybody. - Norm!

- Norman. - Want a beer, Norm?

No, I'd probably just drink it.

So, what's new, Norm?

Well, I just came from a late lunch at the Copley Plaza.

Oh, Norm, you had lunch at the Copley?

Yeah, took a prospective employer there.

- Kind of courting the guy. - So what'd you have for lunch?

The rack of lamb for two.

It was just...

I don't remember what he had.

You know, I saw Teddy Kennedy over there.

- Whoa, Normie, really? - T.K., huh?

I still say that Kennedy will be president someday.

Oh, now, wait. Now, wait. Maybe even next time.

- You know how politicians are. - It doesn't make sense.

No, I really don't think so there, Diane.

I've got a pet little theory about that.

You see, if you go back in history and take every president,

you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name

was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.

All right?

So who's gonna win, Cliff? Reagan again?

- What, Mondale? - No, no, not a chance.

See, I figured it out. By my calculations, our next president

has to be named... Yelnik McWawa.

That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.

Sam, please, you're talking about our next president.

So, Norm...

...what was Kennedy doing at the Copley?

Having lunch. I got his autograph.

You disturbed him during his lunch?

No. God.

I waited until he went to the men's room.

"Mart... Marty Broder"?

I got the wrong stall. I don't know.

Oh, Cliff, isn't that Tibor Svetkovic?

- Svetkovic? Where? - Oh, yeah, that's Svetkovic all right.

Based on the fact that he has a long name that you can all pronounce,

it's my guess he's an athlete?

Or will he be president in 1990?

Diane, the man was Czechoslovakia's greatest hockey player.

He defected to us just to play in the NHL.

It's an incredible story, actually.

He dressed up as a woman, hid in a haystack,

crawled on his belly under barbed wire, swam a couple of rivers

and stowed away on a tramp steamer just to get here.

It's amazing.

The next week, the rest of his team came over on the Concorde.

That's what he gets for not reading his schedule.

Well, nobody said he was a smart hockey player.

Is this my day or what, huh?

First Teddy Kennedy, and now Tibor Svetkovic.

You better memorize his shoes, Norm.

You might wanna get his autograph later, you know?

Tibor, I see you play all the time. I'm Sam Malone.

Your problem may be too much caffeine.

I'm sorry, what?

He's learning English from television commercials.

And who are you?

I'm Lana Marshall. I'm Tibor's commercial agent.

Is that right? I'm Sam Malone. I'm kind of the boss here.

Oh, you're the boss.

You gonna tell me what to do?

Something tells me you know what to do.

I know what I like to do.

Well, that's nice. I like the lady who knows what she likes to do

and does what she likes.

The mating ritual of the horny-breasted lounge lizard.

Two beers.

Let me... Let me take care of you two here. Tibor...

...Miller Time?

TV. Yes, sir.

- And what can I do for you? - What's your specialty?

Well, I do everything the same around here, great.

- Then why don't you surprise me. - Be my pleasure.

Mine too, I hope.

- I'll be right back. - I'll be right here.

She'll be here, he'll be back, and I'll be sick.

So...

...you get jobs for professional athletes to be in commercials, huh?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I specialize in male athletes.

Don't you know who you were just talking to?

That's Sam Malone.

Cute guy. Too bad he has dandruff.

He used to play with the Red Sox.

Really? Who does he play with now?

You know, you give broads a good name.

Excuse me.

Could I ask you a question about your boss?

The king of the single entendre?

Tell me, does he have a wife?

Or worse, someone he cares about?

He's available.

And very desirable if lummox is your cup of tea.

And it appears to be.

Tibor, I think it's time to get to the Garden.

I'm late.

After game, your room?

No, Tibor, I think I'm gonna be busy tonight.

Okay. Goodbye.

And this concludes another day of programming.

Sooner or later, you'll own Generals.

Poor guy should really think about wearing a helmet, you know?

I understand you were an athlete. I'm sorry, I don't remember you.

Oh, that's all right.

I was a relief pitcher before they became famous.

I missed it by a year.

Tell me, have you done any acting?

Well, you know, yeah, I have. I had the lead in a school play.

The one about the evil woman who pushes her husband

into getting rid of people so they can have more and more power.

You mean Macbeth?

No, no, no, How Boots Fooled the King.

Is that what Macbeth was about too?

Tibor's looking better, isn't he?

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Hey, Diane, we're talking here.

She's talking. You're killing time between thoughts.

You got a problem?

Look, Sam, just watch it, okay?

She's not one of your usual bimbo-ettes.

That's what I like about her. She's got a lot of class.

While I have never been a big fan of the women you date,

I will say that at least they were too stupid to be harmful.

I knew they'd grow on you.

Is there something between you two?

No, no, no, that's... That's just business.

I never mix in her personal life, and she mixes in mine.

Sam, I've just been talking to my secretary about the winter schedule,

and I think there might be some commercials you might do very well.

Me? You're kidding.

No, you have a very sexy, playful quality

that I'm sure would come across on camera.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I mean, I haven't played baseball for years.

I'm not exactly a household name.

Non-star athletes are in vogue. They come across as regular people.

What do you say, Sam?

Gee, I don't...

God, I gotta think about that a little bit.

Come on, Sam, do it. You're a natural. Look at you.

You're tall, you're handsome, you got a great smile.

Show her your smile.

I'll be damned. Who the hell was I thinking of?

You know...

You know, I'll have to admit,

all these years watching those commercials,

I always thought that I might be pretty good at it.

Let's do it.

Wonderful.

Look, I'm staying at the Ritz.

Why don't you come over later, and we'll work out the details.

I don't get off until two.

All the better.

Oh, all these people at the bar, and no one introduced us.

No, they didn't.

I'd like to thank each and every one of them.

Me too.

And now for Fields Light Beer,

former Red Sox starting pitcher Luis Tiant.

After a game, I like to sit back,

light up a cigar and enjoy a Fields Light Beer.

- Hey, Luis. - Hey, Sam.

When you get to be my age, 30, you don't want to get fill up.

That why I drink Fields beer.

It's refreshing, it satisfy, and you don't full fill with Fields.

You just full fine.

Full Field with fine. You full fine.

Sorry, Luis, I don't think you've got it today.

- I'm gonna have to pull you out. - Skipper, let me stay.

Sorry, big guy.

Go get them, Mayday.

Now pitching, Sam "Mayday" Malone.

Fields. It's refreshing, it's satisfying, and you don't feel full with Fields.

You just feel fine.

Hey, all right!

Another save.

I still get the win, don't I?

Good job, Sammy!

- Sammy, you are great! - All right!

Hey, Coach, two bottles of Fields right here.

Normally, I wouldn't use that stuff to shampoo my dog,

but Sammy just sold me, I'll tell you.

Sam, you could sell me ice cubes in the middle of summer.

You're in show biz now, huh? You're a star.

Sam. Sam?

Could you introduce me to Gene Tierney?

I don't know Gene Tierney, Coach.

Okay, be that way.

Come on, Sammy. How about a speech from the big actor, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, how'd it feel to see yourself up there, Sammy, huh?

It was nice. It was very nice, okay?

I was afraid of this. We're gonna have to sedate the man. He's hysterical.

Sam, if there's anything you want to talk about, get off your chest...

There's nothing I wanna talk about. I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, all right?

Now, just wait on some tables, please.

Fine.

Hey, Sammy, that agent of yours is hotter than a pistol, huh?

She's really earning her ten percent.

Hey, listen, will you just leave me alone?

Please, everybody, you got that? Leave me alone?

- Sam, let's talk. - There's nothing to talk about.

It's important. Come back to the office now.

Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.

Sammy's in trouble With Miss Chambers

Sam's in trouble with Chambers

What? What do you want?

Sam, you're obviously unhappy, and everybody just wants to know why.

I'm not unhappy.

- You're not? - No.

You're happy with the commercials?

Yes.

- Do you think you were good? - Yes.

- Really? - Yes.

Well, what is it then?

Are you happy with the money?

Yes.

- Are you happy with the auditions? - Yes.

- Are you happy with your agent? - Oh, God!

The dragon lady.

Tell me about it.

Why? What do you... You wanna hear me say you were right?

Of course not.

Knowing that, and knowing that you know it and are tortured by it

is plenty for this country girl.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I am sorry. I do wanna help.

Come on, let's talk.

You wanna hear about my relationship with another woman?

Well...

Maybe...

Maybe I should find a man out there

who's intellectually capable of helping you.

All right, everybody line up for the ugliest tongue contest.

Alphabetically by height, over here.

It appears that all the other intellectuals are busy.

You sure you wanna hear this?

I'll stop you before I get the vapors.

You see, my... My relationship...

Lana and I are a lot friendlier than most agents and clients.

Friendlier?

Hey, you know me. I mean, I'm never against a wild night of friend-making.

There's some...

I mean, now I feel that I'm supposed to be friendly on demand.

And you're afraid that she'll stop getting you commercials if you stop...

...being friendly.

See...

...when you play in the bigs like I did, you get used to a lot of attention.

And when I stopped playing baseball,

I felt like there was something missing in my life.

And I was just hoping that these commercials would get it back for me.

Sam, Lana gave me a message for you, but I can't remember it.

- Lana's here? - That's it.

Oh, by the way, what are you two doing here?

Sam, we got a lot of customers out there.

Coach, I got a problem, and Diane's helping me talk through it.

Look, Sam, let me tell you something.

You've faced a lot of tough problems, right?

And you always found a solution.

But ever since Sir Isaac Hayes here came along...

No offense, Diane, I love Sir Isaac Hayes.

But, Sam, since then it's been talk, talk, talk with you.

But this is a pretty complicated problem, Coach.

You see, Sam wants to break up with Lana,

and he knows he should,

but he's afraid that he will sacrifice his acting career.

See?

I don't understand what's going on here.

Let me show you something. Come right here.

- Coach, look, I... - Just please come right down here.

Stand right here, Sam. Here. Pick that up.

What do you want me to pick this up for?

Just pick it up.

Now, get the hell out there and tell her that you're finished with her!

Will you please tell him it's more complicated...

- Out! Out! Hustle, hustle. - What do you want me to do?

- What... All right. - Hustle, hustle. I mean...

That was wonderful.

Coach, somehow your instincts just told you to just...

Button it up, Diane! We got a lot of people out there.

Move it.

Right, right.

Tell me something, Red.

Are professional athletes better between the old Wamsuttas

than ordinary men?

I've had no experience with ordinary men.

Oh, me neither, but I'm trying to work my way up to one.

Believe me, athletes take their pants off one leg at a time,

just like anybody else.

They take off their pants?

Hey, I'm really glad you're here.

There's something important I wanna talk to you about.

Sam, what do you think of your commercial?

Well, it was... It was fine. But, listen, I've been think...

I thought it was wonderful. I've had a lot of calls about you.

Calls?

A lot of people saw you, and they liked what they saw.

One of those calls was an offer for you. A national commercial.

It's big money, and they want to fly you to Hawaii,

and you're going to do the commercial with the Osmonds.

The Osmonds?

- The whole family? - That's right.

Even little Jimmy?

Well, we're hoping. Now, come on.

Well, wait, wasn't there something that I wanted to say to you?

Now, now, later. Later.

We've got to get some pictures for you,

and we really should buy you a new sport jacket,

and afterwards we can stop off at the hotel for a bite.

And a nibble.

And a scratch.

Coach...

- Sam, I'm getting real mad now! - Hey, no, no, don't, don't.

Lana... Lana, we can't nibble anymore.

Why?

I... I just don't feel right about it.

I see.

Does this mean that you're no longer my agent?

Sam!

What kind of person would I have to be

to drop you as a client just because of this?

A dragon lady.

I'm no dragon lady.

- Oh, good, good. - But I am gonna drop you.

I've learned from past experience that once you've had

an intimate relationship with a client, you can't go back

to being just business associates.

Perhaps it's time for me to find a new face.

Hey, my face is new.

Good. You still have time to return it.

She's good, Sammy.

So that's it, huh?

Yep.

Good luck in finding a replacement for me in the Hawaii commercial.

If it takes me longer than six minutes, I'll quit.

Oh, boy, she is good.

May I ask you a question?

You wanna know how he was?

What?

You really think I'm going to stand here

and listen to you tell me how good Sam was?

Fair?

What do you wanna know?

I wanna know how you can live with yourself.

I can't. That's why I like having young athletes around.

I've always been crazy about them.

You know, sometimes, when I'm with one,

I swear I can actually hear the crowd cheering.

You know, I could understand this kind of behavior

from an oversexed adolescent or something,

but you're...

An older woman? Middle-aged?

All the more reason to grab some youth.

You know, there was a time in my life when men would invent little tricks

and schemes to get my attention.

Well, now I'm the one who schemes a little to get theirs.

That's not too unfair, is it?

But don't be too concerned.

Someday, even that won't work.

Don't judge me until the bloom is off your rose, honey.

She is good.

Fields. It's refreshing, it's satisfying, and you don't feel full with Fields.

You just feel fine.

Hey, all right!

Another save.

Come on, admit it. I was good.

Hey, come on, say it. I was good.

- You were okay. - I wasn't okay, I was good.

What's it gonna do, kill you to admit that I was good?

All right. You were...

Good.

Good.

You were okay.

You were good. And you did the right thing.

Thanks. Hey.

Listen, before you came to work at this bar,

I never thought that much about morality and integrity.

You made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.

Thank you, Sam.

That's why I'm firing you.

You can leave your apron right there on the...