Original subtitles

- Excuse me. - Yes, sir.

Could you check and see if the table is ready for the Phillips?

Sure, I'd be glad to.

What was the name again?

- Phillips. - Phillips.

Hey, lock up your daughters!

The fighting Double Deuce is on the loose!

Can I help you?

Well, you should help me. I sure helped you.

Why, I was fighting the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers.

Where's the rest of my outfit?

What you got on looks silly enough.

I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd Brigade.

I'm meeting them here.

I hope you're not expecting the whole brigade. I'm kind of low on lemons.

No, no, just the guys from my squad.

What's left of them.

- I'm Buzz Crowder. - Sam, I got this one.

Buzz, Buzz.

I'm the fella you talked to this morning.

I didn't recognize the uniform on the telephone.

Come on. Let me show you the back room.

It's in the back here, in the back.

I'm sorry about that.

Can I get you something to drink back there?

Nope. No, I don't drink. But keep plenty for the others.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

We meet in this bar every ten years to reminisce.

What war were you in, Buzz?

Why, the First World War, of course.

Is that the one with Clark Gable or Gary Cooper?

Wow, I'm 85. What's your excuse?

Baseball.

What you writing, slats?

My thoughts.

That would explain all the blank pages.

Carla, I'm writing during the odd moments of the job,

much as Jack London did.

Oh, was he a bad waitress too?

Ladies, please, enough girl talk.

Any sex in it?

I've started writing down bits of conversation I hear in the bar.

Sometimes people say things that strike me as snippets of American a.

You mean things said by customers, employees...

Yeah.

...the owner?

I'm afraid you're not represented.

Just my luck. She doesn't like my snippets.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

- Norman. - What you up to, Norm?

My ears.

Wanna beer, Norm?

Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?

There's a lady present, Norm.

Oh, sorry, Diane.

A shot of bourbon.

Oh, sir, save your quarter.

That piano hasn't worked in 20 years.

Use the jukebox.

It doesn't work either, but it's only a dime.

Sammy, why do you keep something around here that doesn't work?

Because no one else will give her a job.

Hey, ladies, ladies...

Got something good there?

Yes.

A remark a customer dropped just a moment ago.

Oh, yeah? Quotable remark, huh?

You know, it occurs to me

that sometimes we find truth comes in a glass.

Or a mug.

Or your face.

Hey, Pinky!

You old brat!

Sammy? A Tinkerbell here or what?

Hey, Buzz. Buzz, isn't he a little bit young to be one of your guys?

Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

Well, from behind, you look exactly like the young Pinky Petersen.

You shouldn't walk up and grab people like that.

If I buy you a beer, will you forget it?

Buy me a pitcher, you can kiss me on the lips.

Hey, you're all right! I'll be in the back.

Everything all right back there?

Well, that room is kind of small. One grenade will get us all.

This looks like a nice saloon.

We aspire to "saloon."

Can I just sit anywhere?

Try the bar.

Makes good cover during the gunfights.

Hi.

What will you have?

I'll have a carafe of your house whiskey.

Excuse me?

Is that a bad order?

Well, not if you're a party of 20.

This is the first time I've ever been in a bar.

No kidding.

No, really, I was just passing by

and decided to drop in and see what it's like.

Well, does it live up to your expectations?

Well, I expected to see more lost, desperate souls sitting around.

Well, desperate-souls night is Thursday.

All the beer you can cry into for a buck.

That's very amusing.

Thank you.

Where's Diane?

I've never had hard liquor in my life.

You see, this is my last day in the secular world.

- Tomorrow, I'm going into a monastery. - Oh, yeah?

So, this is kind of like your last fling.

Well, first and last.

All right, I'll give you a drink, but I want you to take it easy.

It kind of sneaks up on you.

You know, I once thought of being a priest.

Oh, you're religious.

No, I just thought it'd be a nice kind of peaceful life, you know.

Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.

Oh, thank you, Father.

Sure I can't get you something, Buzz?

Not yet, Sam.

I came out to warn you about something.

Me and the boys have got a little joke we play on each other.

You see, first man here always goes in the back room,

strips down to his altogether...

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Then stands on the table, and when the others walk in,

he yells out, "Lafayette, we are here!"

Well, tonight it's my turn.

- Thanks for the warning, Buzz. - Yeah.

Oh, Sam, could you turn the heat up just a little bit?

A monk, huh?

Hey, does that mean you have to give up...?

Well, as the French so delicately put it, the old...

I have to take a vow of chastity. I also have to take a vow of silence.

If you're gonna give up sex, you might as well give up talking.

What fun is messing around if you can't tell the guys about it?

It's no big deal.

I've never had much luck with girls anyway.

They don't find me attractive.

Oh, hey, Kev, you're an attractive guy.

- Diane? - Yeah.

Don't you think he's a specimen?

Well, yes. He's a very attractive fellow.

Come on. I know I don't have any sex appeal.

I'm shy, and I'm serious-minded, and the search goes on for my chin.

Kevin, speaking as a woman,

may I say that it's good you're going in the monastery?

You could be a real heartbreaker.

You're not a bambo, are you?

No, no. A bimbo!

No, no. It's "bimbo," not "bambo," and I'm not one.

But you are. Attractive, Kevin. Attractive.

What a great girl!

Sam, is she taken?

Only with herself.

One drink in four hours. Is that what they call nursing it?

No, that's what they call bringing it back from the dead.

I hate to admit it, but Carla just got in the book.

Yeah, well, I always say, "Nurse a drink, starve a bartender."

Excuse me, Sam.

Smite me again, barkeep.

- You sure you want another one of these? - Yes. I'm rather enjoying myself.

Okay, I'll make this one a little weaker.

No charge for the water.

You needn't worry, Sam. I know I'm a novice drinker,

but I've only had one in all the time I've been here.

I'm not ready for the lampshade yet.

Excuse me.

You know something, Sam? That Kevin's gonna make a great monk.

He's got a good attitude.

- Diane? - Yes.

I want you!

Diane, are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

I think I'd like to go freshen up a little bit.

- Absolutely. You okay? - Yeah.

Lafayette, we are here!

Hey, here's a little-known fact.

Now, most of you are probably under the assumption

that basketball was invented in these United States, right?

Yeah, James Naismith, Springfield College.

I can see it's a good thing I showed up tonight.

Basketball was invented thousands of years ago by the Mayans.

They played it for centuries.

- Is that true? - Sure.

Hey, watch me get the Coach on this one.

- Hey, Coach, I got a question for you. - Yeah, Cliff.

Who invented basketball?

- The Mayans. - Way to go, Coach!

- Where did you hear that? - Well, how should I know?

There must have been a Mayan in here bragging about it.

Buy them, Sammy. It's comeback time. Let's go.

- All right! - Can I have your attention?

Hey, shush there, please.

I've been sitting here drinking all evening,

and now I have something important to say.

Yeah, down the hall and to the left, Father.

First, I'd like to make a public apology

to the young lady I insulted early this evening. I lost my head.

Kevin, please, don't worry about it.

Apology accepted, Kevin.

Second, I'd like to thank you all for helping me see the light.

It is clear now that I am not fit for the monastery.

I succumbed too easily to the pleasures of the flesh.

That's okay. Lot of that going around.

- Don't worry about it. - Tonight...

Tonight has proven that I belong here, in a bar,

drinking booze with seedy degenerates

and getting slapped around by cheap dames.

Kevin, it's our pleasure.

I'm gonna give you a real man's drink here. It's called coffee.

Coffee? Men drink that?

Men who've had too much to drink do.

That's it. Ball game.

Hey, Norm, pay up.

What do you say, double or nothing on the highlights?

Oh, Sam, any of my squad check in?

Not yet, Buzz.

Maybe I won't wait for them.

Send me back a ginger ale.

Sam, I want a drink that only men drink.

Something that makes women sick.

I'll give you some more coffee.

No, no, I want something stronger than coffee.

I'll give you yesterday's coffee.

Kevin.

Look, you're gonna have a big day tomorrow.

How you gonna feel walking into a monastery with a hangover?

Oh, I'm serious, Sam. I'm not going.

Kevin, you're drunk.

I am?

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

What about your calling, Kevin?

I never had a calling.

I talked myself into believing that.

I've always been an ordinary person.

I thought that would make me special.

This guy has discovered forever is a long time to go between hayrides.

You're gonna turn your back on God because of sex?

Believe me, sex is not that important.

- Says who? - Carla!

Well, it's not. It's not.

Can sex make stars?

Or a tree? Or a rainbow?

Can sex make an ocean?

Or a newborn baby? Forget that one.

I know just what she means.

I once had a religious experience

just watching a hummingbird hovering next to a flower.

It's almost impossible to imagine

that something could hang in midair like that for so long.

I guess you never saw one of my curve balls.

You all think a man can't change his life in one evening.

But I have.

I wanna be a regular guy.

I wanna arm-wrestle and tell crude jokes

and spit on the floor.

And I wanna dance with cheap women.

Carla, let's dance.

Put that in your notebook, I break your fingers.

Kevin, Kevin, just sit down for a second, come on.

No, I wanna dance, Sam.

I'm having the time of my life. I don't ever want it to end.

Now, come on, Kevin, that doesn't even work.

It doesn't? Well, then...

I thought you said that thing was broken.

It is. It was.

I mean, it hasn't been working for 20 years.

Oh, my God.

Kevin, do you realize what this means?

I've healed a piano?

It's a miracle or something.

Oh, no, wait. Wait a minute. Miracles don't happen.

Are you sure it was broken?

Yes, the motor was rusted solid.

How could this happen?

Well, maybe something or somebody

is trying to tell you what to do with your life.

Get into piano repair.

No, no, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are you trying to say?

Well, Kevin, you said you're an ordinary person.

Maybe you're not.

Maybe you have a direction.

You might as well try and find out.

Oh, you're right.

I've come too far to let one night in a fleshpot change my whole life.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Thank you. - Hey, kid. All right.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Thank you. - Good night.

- Good night, Kev. - Thank you.

- Bye, Kevin. - See you in church.

Good night.

Boy, that was inspiring.

Sam, are you sure you didn't get that piano fixed?

I didn't get it fixed. Did you get it fixed?

Yeah, a couple of days ago, Sam.

I meant to tell you about it, but it slipped my mind.

Coach, why did you think it was inspiring if you got the piano fixed?

Well, gee, Diane, that piano has been busted for what, 20 years?

Why did I all of a sudden decide to have it fixed?

This would make a great bar story.

Too bad we're all here.

Poor Buzz. He's breaking my heart.

None of his old buddies showed, huh?

No, he's back there all by himself throwing darts.

He's been throwing darts now for an hour and a half.

Poor guy.

You know, I don't think they'll ever make a pack

big enough to carry the loneliness of a soldier.

Oh, come on.

Sam.

What do I owe you, Sam?

Nothing, Buzz, the room's on us. Forget it.

Thanks.

Hey, Buzz.

I was in the Army myself, you know. Fort Dix.

Yeah, I served in the Navy, Buzz, in Pensacola.

I was in the reserves.

I was never actually in the Army, but I did serve in uniform.

I was a Brownie.

I won merit badges.

I was in St. Cletus' Correctional institute for Wayward Girls.

We used Brownies for firewood.

You know, every reunion we've had

has thinned out a little more.

I guess this is the last one.

I guess I'm the last one.

Hey, come on. Maybe they just forgot.

I mean, people tend to get busy and make other commitments.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Maybe their lives aren't going so well, and they just don't wanna come down

and see how great you're doing.

Maybe they never liked you.

Those guys would never just forget.

No, not after the things we went through together.

No, sir.

Well...

...I'm gonna miss these reunions.

Come on, wait a minute, Buzz. Wait a minute.

Listen, if all you want is some buddies to get together with, we're here.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah. We're not old coots like you, but we feel like we know you.

Intimately.

Look, Buzz...

Buzz, maybe we could have, like, a reunion every ten years.

Why ten? What's wrong with every year, huh?

- Yeah. - Right.

- How's about every week? - All right.

Mademoiselle from Armentiéres

parlez-vous

Mademoiselle from Armentiéres

parlez-vous

Mademoiselle from Armentières Mademoiselle from Armentiéres

hinky-dinky, parlez-vous

Every ten years will be fine.

Come on, Pinky, I'll beat you at darts.

Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.

Come on, everybody.

Listen, Sam, you don't need me now, do you?

I've got an early class in the morning.

No, that's all right. You can go.

Good, thanks.

Sam, you know something?

Loneliness is a good thing to share with somebody.

Oh, wow.

"Oh, wow."

"Somebody."

Could you get my purse for me, please?

This has been a great day, huh?

How could I have known when I woke up this morning

that I would meet a monk and a doughboy?

Two men with one foot in heaven. Oh, that's good.

Hey, wait. Wait a second.

It's not like this is important to me or anything,

but are you aware that I'm the only person in this whole bar

who's not in that book?

Really?

You know, when I played baseball, I used to get quoted all the time.

I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker

just waiting for me to say something intelligent.

I know the feeling.

- Sam! Come on. That was a joke. - No, no. Okay, fine.

No, you're not joking. You're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.

Sam, there are a lot of people in this book just as dumb as you are.

Now, look, I want natural poetry, okay?

I'm writing down spontaneous statements.

All day, you've been trying too hard.

That's all right. Fine.

I don't really wanna be in that stupid, pretentious book of yours anyway.

You've been writing some pretty stupid stuff in that book.

I've heard some of the stuff you been writing in that book, and it's stupid.

I mean, what does a stuffed shirt know about blue-collar poetry, huh?

- That's good. Whoa, that's really good. - Yeah, you know...

"What does a... know about...?"