Original subtitles

Okay, everybody step right in here. Come on. Come on.

This is the home of Paul Revere.

Looks like a bar to me.

Well, the Reveres liked to entertain a lot.

Walk around and soak up some atmosphere.

Give me a shot of bourbon.

What's this all about?

It's a walking tour of Boston, and it's 30 degrees outside,

and my feet are throbbing.

Paul Revere's house is nowhere near here.

You wanna do this?

I gotta fit in five more sites before 6:00.

I'll never make it.

We are also standing on the Granary Burying Ground,

the Old Corner Bookstore, and the Old North Church.

Well, let's get going. This is it for Boston.

- That's the whole tour? - Seemed to fly by, didn't it?

Bid a fond adieu to Boston, the hub of New England.

I always thought Boston was a lot bigger.

It is in the summer.

Sure, Sister. No, that would be fine. You're welcome.

Hey, Sammy, I didn't know you had a sister.

No, no, that's Sister Theresa from St. Matthias School for Girls.

She's sending one of her students over with a playbill.

Hey, you know, that St. Matthias is a good school.

I've had two kids thrown out of there.

Afternoon, everybody.

-Norm! -Norm!

Norman.

- What's up, Norm? - My nipples. It's freezing out there.

So how was your Sunday there, Norm?

- You catch the Celtics-76ers game? - Oh, yes.

And the Bruins-Flyers, the Ramos-Ramos fight.

Yesterday, Australian rules football.

Tomorrow we got Boston College versus Lona.

- Put that money down, pal. - Yeah, I'll be ready.

Norman, doesn't your wife ever complain

that you never spend any time with her?

Would you?

Well, what I can't fathom

is how one can drink ice-cold beer in freezing weather.

- Cliff, explanation, please. - Now, how do you know he has one?

Five bucks says he does, 10 says it's a doozy.

- When the British ruled the Punjab-- - Ten bucks all the way.

They drank steaming hot pots of tea on the hottest days of the year

to balance out their inside and outside temperatures.

See, conversely, drinking an ice-cold drink on a cold day

actually results in a more comfortable body temperature.

All right, why do you drink ice-cold beer on a hot day?

Mr. Clavin?

What else you gonna do with it?

Well, I gotta get rid of a little bit right now.

- I'll be in the little boys' room. - Hop on one leg, big boy.

Sammy, the pipes are clogged up again. Nothing's working back there.

I'm sorry, Norm. You're gonna have to go up to Melville's again.

- Jacket in the same spot? - Yeah.

Oh, what a drag, huh, Norm? Having to dress up to go to the john.

Come on.

You know, you men have it easy.

We have to wear taffeta and have the correct change.

Hey, that looks good there, Norm. Who's your tailor?

Give me a break. Sweater's a little bulky, all right?

Have a good time up there, Ollie.

- I'll be in the back with my pipes. - Oh, wait, wait, I've got an order.

- Carla's got the bar, right, Carla? - Hey, that's right.

Okay, everybody, Carla's got the bar.

You can have anything you want,

as long as it doesn't have ice, straws, cherries, olives,

mixer, umbrellas, fruits or flames.

An order.

I need an old-fashioned, a brandy Alexander, and a martini.

Three beers coming up.

Boy, oh, boy.

The damnedest thing.

I've been shivering all the way over here.

Well, Coach, you don't have a coat on. It's 30 degrees outside.

Oh, thank God. I thought I had malaria.

Are you all right?

No, Diane, I don't know where my mind is today.

I just remembered. I left it at Nina's apartment.

- Your mind? - No, my coat.

Who's Nina?

Oh, just a girl who moved into my building today.

I helped her move some of her stuff in.

Diane, it's the damnedest thing, I kept wanting to smell her neck.

You wanted to smell her neck?

Yeah, and it just hit me what that's all about.

Physical attraction?

No, Lux.

It used to be the soap of the stars.

Diane, don't say anything about this to anybody, please.

- Why? - Well, it's embarrassing.

And, look, if you're my friend, you won't say it, okay?

Coach, you're a normal, healthy man who happens to be attracted to a woman.

- What's wrong with that? - For one thing, she's a lot younger than me.

How much younger?

Well, you'll see, because I told her where I worked

and she said she might drop in after she unpacked.

Hello?

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

You're under arrest.

Are you crazy?

You--! That's not her.

- Hi, come on in. - I'm from the St. Matthias School for Girls.

- Sure. - Sam told me I could put a playbill up in here.

Oh, good.

What play are you doing?

We're putting on a production of Twelve Angry Men,

a taut and absorbing psychological drama.

When I was your age, we did Romeo and Juliet.

We were looking for something with more meat.

- Thank you. - You're welcome, honey.

Listen, I'll hang it up for you.

- Hi, Ernie. - Nina, hi. Welcome to Cheers.

Oh, boy, it's nice and warm in here. My apartment is freezing.

I hope you don't mind, but I asked the super to call me here

- when they get the heat turned on. - No, no, it's a great idea.

Come on, sit down, I'll show you the place.

Have a seat.

Now let's see...

This is the bar.

Those are the bottles, these are the glasses.

That's a stool. Any questions?

Well, you know, I've always wondered,

what kind of gas do you use to pressurize those beer kegs?

Probably unleaded.

- Listen, can I get you a drink? - Sure, white wine.

White wine. Diane, Nina. Nina, Diane.

- Oh, hi, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Diane is very smart. Diane, say something very smart.

Tempus fugit.

- Coach, she's adorable. - Isn't she?

Oh, Carla.

Carla, come over for a minute, will you?

I'm busy.

Carla's been in a lousy mood for the last two, three years.

I tell you, it's getting strange up there.

Now, that's Norm. That's not Norm's jacket.

- What do you mean strange there, Norm? - They got a new men's room attendant.

Guy hands me a towel, whisks me off, and invites me out to a movie.

Guys. Guys, meet Nina.

- She just moved into my place. - All right, Coach.

No, no, not my apartment, my building.

Crazy guys. They're nice, though.

I'd still be dragging my box spring if it wasn't for Ernie.

You're a dog, Coach.

Honey, would you excuse me? I gotta check the back room.

Sure.

Well, that's it for me.

Oh, that's Sam. He's handsome. He's a bit of a wolf.

Boy, I don't know what I'm doing back there.

Does anybody know anything about plumbing?

Well, the Romans had an elaborate system of aqueducts there, Sammy.

- They were sort of the forerunners-- - Cliff, Cliff.

I need somebody to help me fix the plumbing.

Oh, hey, sorry, Sam. Strictly theory.

- Hey, let me do it. - Oh, give me a break, Carla.

No, come on. I mean, I'm an expert at this stuff.

I got four kids and one bathroom.

My kids gave me Drano for Mother's Day.

Here, give me that wrench. I'm going in there. Come on.

- All right, go get them. - All right.

Okay, everybody out of the men's room.

Why didn't you say that before you came in?

- Give me two beers, Sam. - Excuse me a second.

Oh, Sam, look, I know what you're going to do, but...

I can't explain now. Just stay away from that woman, okay?

What woman?

Actually I was going over for a cup of coffee,

but thanks for pointing her out. I must be slipping.

Sam, please. I can't tell you why, but it's just not right.

Okay. All right.

If you insist.

Oh, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

I understand something about psychology.

Yeah, by telling me not to go over there,

you're trying to get my curiosity up

so that I'll do exactly the opposite, right?

- Absolutely not. - No, no.

Probably a friend of yours, huh?

Two of you cooked something up to make me look like a silly fool.

- Hey, I'm not going anywhere near her. - Thank you.

Thank you?

That's exactly what you wanted me to do was walk away, wasn't it?

You don't want me to go anywhere near her, do you?

- No. - No meaning yes.

Hey, listen, this is my bar and I'll do what I want.

- Hi there. - Oh, hi.

You new in the neighborhood?

Yeah, I'm new to Boston.

- How do you like it so far? - Fine. How do you like it?

Much better now.

Look, I'm sorry about all this stuff.

I'm just sitting here waiting for my heat to be turned on.

How hot do you want it to get?

I heard you were kind of a wolf.

Howl at the moon one time, and they never let you forget it.

Listen, while we're on the subject of subgum,

how would you like to go out to Chinese food later?

No, thank you. I'd rather not.

Did I make it clear I meant with me?

Painfully.

I think I like this girl.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll go say goodbye to my bathroom.

Congratulations, Diane.

You and your friend made me look like a complete ass.

I hope you're happy.

Couldn't have done it without you.

- Isn't she great, Diane? - Yes, she is.

You know, Coach,

I think you should ask her out.

- Ask her out? - Yeah.

I haven't asked a girl out in years.

I don't even know if my old lines would work.

Well, what was the last one you used?

"How would you like a pair of nylons, Fräulein?"

- Probably not. - Come on, it worked.

What do we need it for? It's just another piece to clog up.

Carla, it's gotta belong to something.

You can't hang on to things because of sentiment.

Coach, wait a minute. How about all the women you talk about

from your baseball days?

How did you approach them?

- Well, not by talking with them. - What did you do?

Well, you know, I'd spot a cute dame in the stands

and to get their attention, you know, I'd injure myself.

You intentionally hurt yourself?

Yeah, sure. I'd lean into a pitch or I'd dive face first into a bag.

I'd take a real hard grounder in the gut. Anything to get their sympathy.

You were a sly one, Coach.

Well, listen, one day I wasn't even in the game,

and there was this real cutie there,

so I threw myself down the dugout steps.

It worked.

Coach, look, you don't have to do that stuff now.

Look at her over there.

She's all by herself. Stranger in this big city.

You are the only friend she has here.

Can we have some service back here?

Coming right up.

Go get her, tiger.

Hey, Coach, can you cover for me tonight?

- Yeah, sure. Where you going? - I'm going out with that young lady.

Diane is gonna learn the meaning of the word "comeback."

Did you say something there, Coach?

Like, "he he he?"

- Yeah. - Oh, that wasn't me.

Get me another beer, please, Sammy?

- Coach? - Yeah.

- What's going on here? - Well, just a normal evening.

I'm pouring a beer, Norm's in line,

Sam's sweeping the girl of my dreams off her feet.

Just a normal night.

Coach, I thought you were gonna do that.

Oh, come on, Diane. Sam's such a smoothie.

I can't remember the last time a woman turned him down.

Will you bug off?

Does that refresh your memory?

I got her on the ropes, Cliff ie.

You're a glutton for punishment, aren't you, Mayday?

Hey, the evening's young.

But your lines are old.

Don't you worry about me.

I'm going out with your friend tonight. Even if it kills me.

Coach, come on, now's your chance, go.

Diane, who needs her, huh? Who needs her?

Coach, don't give up on Nina.

Diane, will you please leave me alone. Leave me alone, please.

No.

Get in there, you pipe, and no back talk.

Coach.

Diane, you can't come in here, it's the men's room.

- Well, Carla's in here. - Carla doesn't count.

Hey, watch it!

Diane, please, I'd like to be alone.

Coach, now, if you don't act now,

your life will be forever haunted with the memory of lost opportunity.

Diane, maybe you're right. Maybe I should have tried earlier,

but Sam's after her now. Can't you see that?

Well, so? He's not getting anywhere.

You got the hots for Nina?

Oh, you know that too, huh?

Carla, Coach is too shy to ask Nina out.

Oh, come on, will you? Who wants to date me, huh?

I'm over the hill.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I'd go out with you.

- Really? - Yes.

- I would too. - See?

And we all know how fussy Carla is.

- You're not just saying this? - No.

Hey, Coach...

...you're a cutie. Come on over here, cutie.

Look at you. What a hunk.

Yeah. Coach, you're a pin-up guy. Look at those shoulders.

Stop it, the two of you. Stop it.

Hey, who is that stud?

Well, I'm no Harold Flynn, but it's okay.

Coach, it's Errol Flynn.

No, no, Harold Flynn.

He used to play second base for Chicago.

Good look, no hit.

- Diane? - Yeah?

Carla? I'm gonna do it.

- All right! Way to go. - I'm gonna do it.

Just give me a few minutes to spruce up, will you?

- Okay. Shake. - All right.

Oh, good, good.

Listen, Coach, that's great

and I'll make sure that Nina sticks around.

I can't believe the graffiti in this place, you know?

Adolescent men are-- Oh, no. Oh, no.

- What? What is it? - Look at this.

"For a good time, call Diane Chambers."

Thank God they got the number wrong.

Hey, I got it right off your application.

Carla, how could you?

Last time I play cupid for you.

After our moonlight drive up to the cape,

we'll check into separate rooms.

One for us, one for our toothbrushes.

I wish you could bottle that charm.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

Then I could put a cork in it.

Hey, Sammy. Sammy, beer down here?

I'll be back.

Tell me you're not in trouble, Sam.

Tell me you're just playing around with her or I can't go on.

I'm just playing around with her.

He's playing around with her.

Give up, Sam. It takes a big man to admit he's a small person.

And now, Harvard Yard.

It was here that in 1636

John Harvard raised his eyes to heaven and announced--

Line up. The can is fixed.

Come here.

Look, I let you do this one time, but no more.

I don't want you to come back in here. You understand?

Sorry about this. They're studying for finals.

Let's give them a little consideration and tiptoe out.

Seems like all we've done all day long was go from one bar to another.

What do you want for eight bucks, minutemen?

Move it.

Nina, your super called. He said your heat's back on.

- Oh, thanks, Carla. - Listen, Nina...

Nina, Nina...

I sense that we have had some trouble hitting it off tonight,

but I think I know why.

Put aside, for now, my technique, my style, my smooth manner.

Put aside my hair, my teeth, my physique.

Put all that aside and what have you got?

Nothing.

You know, I don't even feel like being with a woman tonight.

- Good night, Nina. Good night. - Good night, Sam.

Turns out we were cousins.

Nina, can you wait just a minute?

The Coach wanted to say goodbye to you. He'll be right out.

Oh, okay.

I give up. The woman's undatable.

- undatable, Sam? - Yeah.

I don't think so.

In fact, I have a hunch you're about to see that woman

swept off her feet by a guy.

- You're crazy. - No...

...it may seem impossible to you,

one whose idea of romance is a floor mat and the bolero played at 78,

but you are about to see a man get a date with a woman

using nothing but sincerity and his own feelings.

She's kinky, huh?

- You mean the Coach? - He's crazy about her.

I would have told you sooner, but he swore me to secrecy.

I've been building up his courage all day.

Diane, you gotta stop him. I mean, she's unbelievable. She'll crush him.

Nina?

Oh, hi, Ernie, I was waiting to say good night to you.

Listen, Nina, I wanna say something.

Look, I'm not a rich guy, and...

you know, I'm no brain. I'm just an average guy.

But I like you, Nina, and I'd like to go out and do things with you.

Would you have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, Ernie, that's sweet of you, but I've got a lot of unpacking to do.

But thanks for asking.

Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah.

Coach, Coach.

Look, I got shot down too.

Listen, there are just some women in this world that you can't get to,

and she's all of them.

Look, I made reservations upstairs.

Well, good night, everybody. It was nice to meet you all.

- Good night, Ernie. - Goodbye, Nina.

- Coach! - Coach!

- Sam. - Oh, jeez, he's out like a--

- Coach. - Coach, wake up.

Are you all right, big guy?

Ernie, are you all right?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just a little woozy.

- Coach, let me take you home. - Oh, no, let me. I live there anyway.

Oh, no, honey, you got all that unpacking to do.

Oh, now don't be silly. This is a lot more important than unpacking.

I'm okay. I...

Works every time.

Sam, I might not be in tomorrow morning.