Original subtitles

Oh, hey, Diane, do me a favor, will you?

Pour Mischa there a real quick beer.

Coming right up, Mischa.

There you go.

Sam, what is he doing with his hand?

He's a cymbals player for the symphony,

and they're in the middle of a concert. He's counting out a long rest,

so he'll know exactly when to get back for the big finish.

Fascinating.

Okay, that's 1.25 out of 20.

That's 1.50, 1.75, 2, 3, 4, 5, 10 and 20.

Musicians are very temperamental.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

- Norman. - How's life, Norm?

Not for the squeamish, Coach.

Norm, what's the matter? You're shaking there

like a meringue in an earthquake.

My whole career as an accountant,

I just sat in my cubicle, kept my mouth shut, right?

Today I made the mistake of volunteering for something.

Oh, what?

Every year the firm has a company party.

- Yeah. - Guess who's party director this year.

Wait, wait. Let me guess. Let me guess. I'm good at guessing.

Julius LaRosa.

Warm, Coach. Me.

Gee, I should have taken more time, huh, Sam?

Probably.

So how come you volunteered, Norm?

Chance to make points with the big boss.

Last year some nobody named Jensen threw a luau in the parking lot.

It was a big hit. You know where that man is today?

Leaning over my shoulder saying, "Add faster."

Norman, I don't know what you're so upset about.

Sounds like a great opportunity to me.

That's what I thought.

After I volunteered, I realized I never threw a party.

I killed a few.

Hey, what's the big deal, huh? You want some excitement,

you pay a sexy chick to jump out of a cake.

Or if you wanna save a little money, you could get Carla to do it.

- Couldn't resist. - Carla! Carla!

Diane, strippers aren't enough here.

All right, Norm. Will you relax? Life's too short.

Cliff, you don't understand. We're talking about 100 accountants.

Their lives are incredibly dull all week long.

You gotta do something special

to turn those guys on, wake them up, you know?

Norm, the best party I was ever at was in a locker room, right?

We're all standing around in our underwear,

pouring champagne on each other,

guys flinging guys into showers. It was terrific, Norm.

Coach, that was after we'd won the division championship.

That's right. That's why we were all in Cleveland.

Right.

Hey, Norm, I got a great idea.

- Have yourself a hot-tub party. - What?

Yeah, it's the latest craze out there in California.

- You know, your weirdo central. - Yeah?

Yeah. You get a bunch of people in a hot tub,

you never can tell what's gonna happen.

I mean, just today I was delivering two copies of Star Parade magazine.

Guess who's on the cover in a hot tub.

Julius LaRosa.

No, it was Burt Reynolds, Coach.

Boy, I used to be so good at this game.

I did think of one little icebreaker.

You know, I go through this year's audits,

find the biggest mistakes and xerox them, pass them around.

We're talking monster laughs.

You're a maniac, Normie.

Norman, perhaps I can give you an idea that you could actually use.

I think parties are the most fun when you can shed

your everyday, mundane identity and come as someone else.

Back in college, I held a party where everyone came

as their favorite Elizabethan poet.

I remember...

...it was so great. I chose Christopher Marlowe

because I was deeply into Doctor Faustus at the time.

But I still get letters from people who loved it, Norman. Loved it.

Say, didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan Poet Night here?

- Yeah, it started getting too rowdy. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I remember the night you were charged

with practicing iambic pentameter without a license there.

You know, Sam, if I'm to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes,

I think I should make more money.

Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?

Okay, Norman, in keeping with the spirit of this establishment and its patrons,

I suggest you get totally down in the mud and throw a toga party.

Toga party? You mean, like, where they dress up in sheets?

Oh, I'm sure you'd love it. It's a stupid fraternity tradition

where a bunch of borderline humans stand around swilling beer

and vomiting on themselves.

Until the inevitable denouement when they raise their robes

to reveal the depths of their personalities.

- Hallelujah, I am saved! - No!

Yes, sir, I can see it!

This is gonna make that luau look like a pig roast.

- Easily, easily. - Sammy, can I use Cheers?

I'll pay you half what you think it's worth.

- How can I pass that up? - Come on. I got a lot to do here.

I should just go home and close myself off

and work out all the details.

- Great. Good luck, Norm. - No, I can do that in the bathroom.

Sam.

These people aren't dressed in togas, are they?

No, Coach.

I thought it was supposed to be a toga party.

- It is. - Well...

I must be getting my spells again. I thought I had them licked.

- No, you're all right, Coach. - You sure?

Yes. You're all right. These people just...

...haven't gotten into the spirit of the party yet.

Oh, thanks, Sam.

But here comes Diane.

Gang in the back's ready for another order, huh?

- Not yet. - It's been an hour and a half.

What are they doing, watching their ice melt?

Actually, Sam, things are quite peppy back there.

There's one fellow who, believe it or not,

can recite every area code in the country.

We're talking dazzling entertainment here.

Sam, can you spring me for a few minutes? I gotta see this.

Enjoy, Coach.

Listen, if this guy knows Laramie, Wyoming, I'll croak.

Boy, this party stinks.

Well, maybe we should do something to help pick it up, huh?

I got an idea. Listen...

Why don't you go back to my office, top drawer of my desk,

you'll find two tassels and a G-string, I'll hum "Night Train."

- No, come on, it might work. - Get out.

Let the games begin!

Holy...

Well, you all got the date right, so I know you can read.

You. How come you're not in a toga?

I was afraid everybody else would chicken out, and I'd be the only one,

look like a ridiculous fool.

Good point.

Jensen, nice suit.

Hello there.

Why did I volunteer? I'm a dead man.

Sammy, you got somebody lying in state in the back room?

Nobody's moved for an hour and a half.

Hey, Normie, I like it.

You look like the Pillsbury Doughmonster.

- How come you're late? - I had car trouble.

You try flagging down help dressed like this.

Where...? Where's your wife? Why isn't she at the party?

She didn't hear about it.

This is the worst party yet.

Thanks loads for the toga idea, Diane.

Well, Norman, all you need is a little icebreaker.

- Yeah? - Let me help.

Okay, everybody!

How about a round of that always-enjoyable game,

Charades, huh? I'll start off.

Movie title.

Four words.

First word.

"My." Sounds like "eye."

Here, I'll give you the first one to get you going.

Okay, second word.

What am I doing here? I'm eating, huh?

Doesn't this look like eating and drinking?

When do we eat and drink?

Dinner. "My Dinner."

Third word.

What is this? It's little, isn't it? It's a little word.

W, begins with a W, little word, begins...

With. My Dinner with. My...?

My Dinner With Julius LaRosa!

That's it.

- Okay, Ogden, Utah. - 801!

Hold it down, everybody. It's the phone!

I feel it! I feel that beat.

Get up off your seat and on your feet. It's limbo time!

Yeah!

Come on, everybody!

Hey, come on, now!

Come on, last year you ate a pig with your fist! What's going on here?

Come on! Hey!

Pack of nerds.

Norm, Norm, that was a message for you.

Somebody named Ruta can't make it tonight.

Oh, no. Ruta's the girl I had coming to entertain the big boss.

This can't be happening.

First I throw the worst party in the history of mankind.

Now I got no date for the big boss.

You mean, you gotta set your boss up with a woman?

Yeah, it's one of the party director's duties.

Why don't you ask one of the women here?

Or does your boss like live things?

- Carla, do you suppose...? - Oh, no, no, no, Norm.

Don't look at me. I got four kids, and I sure ain't looking for any more.

- I didn't say to have sex with the guy. - That doesn't matter.

I'm what you call a fast breeder.

A man winks at me, I'm three months along.

I need a woman!

Does anybody need anything?

Hallelujah!

All right, let me see if I've got this straight.

You want me to entertain a man I've never met.

All I'm asking you to do is pour the guy a few drinks and chat with him.

You don't have to go home with him or anything.

Although, if you do, I'll drive.

Hey, I'm joking around, Diane. Come on.

Norman, I'm going to walk away from here

and pretend that you never asked me to do this.

Hey, Diane, this could work out for you too, you know.

You might like this guy. He's intelligent. He's educated.

- He went to Harvard Business School. - Sam?

You know, it's true. I can't believe that your job depends on

you finding some woman for this guy.

That's right. What you're doing is demeaning and dehumanizing,

not just to me, but to yourself.

I get it. You think I'm a kissy, right?

Well, it's easy for you two to talk.

Diane's attractive. She's got brains.

Sammy, hey, good-looking guy, a baseball star.

I've got nothing.

My only hope in life is to find somebody who's got something

- and try to make them like me. - Norm...

Yes, yes. So long as there are boots to be licked, apples to be polished

and fannies to be kissed, I'll be there!

First time I ever saw a man strut and grovel at the same time.

Hey, you know, Norm is kind of in a jam here tonight.

- Now you want me to do this. - Well, it wouldn't be so bad, would it?

You are! You're asking me to do this,

- aren't you? - What's the big deal?

I mean, you sit down, probably some old guy,

you have a couple of drinks, he'll fall asleep.

- It's the principle. - Hello, Mr. Sawyer, sir, welcome!

Well, Norman's a friend.

I guess I could give the old geezer a couple minutes of my time.

Sir, we are all terribly honored and thrilled that you could make it here.

- Yeah, I like your sheet. - This old thing?

Why don't you just come on down here and I'll show you a seat.

Why don't you let me do that, Norman?

I know the place.

I'll never forget this, Diane.

Mr. Sawyer, Diane Chambers. Friend of mine.

- Nice to meet you, Diane. - Nice to meet you.

Why don't you two sit right here.

You... out.

Well, what would you like to drink?

Scotch rocks.

Barkeep. A little service, please.

Mr. Sawyer will have Scotch rocks and...

- Let's see, what am I in the mood for? - How about a good beating?

- Perhaps a vermouth cassis. - Fine.

If you need anything else, please just snap your fingers...

...in several places.

Well, I guess working in a bar makes you grumpy.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

We're Eddie Barnett and the Eddie Barnetters.

Okay, it's request time. Shout them out.

"Chicago"?

One of Eddie's favorites, "Chicago."

- Norm, this band is the worst. - I don't understand it.

They sounded so good over the phone.

- So you're an art student, huh? - Yes.

You know, I really always wanted to be a painter.

I must tell you, it is so refreshing to meet someone like you.

- Yeah? - Yes, someone in business

who enjoys the finer things.

- Here you go. One for you. - Thank you.

One for your lady of the evening.

Here's to a sparkling conversationalist.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I'd normally ask you to go out

and find someplace to talk through the night,

but I don't think we'd find anyplace as quiet as this.

There something wrong with your drink?

- It's watered down. - Let me take it back.

No, that's all right. I know the bartender.

- I'll take care of it. - You sure?

Yes, I'll be right back.

Do you have a problem, Mr. Malone?

Listen, I know you're a light drinker,

and I didn't want you to get carried away tonight

and do something you might regret.

You're not at all bothered that I'm spending time with Herb?

Herb?

No, no. None of my business, really.

Looks a little seamy, but seaminess has its place.

Well, a moment ago, you were encouraging it.

A moment ago, the guy was 85 years old.

Oh, I see.

An old man is fine, but one whose kidneys are still functioning is taboo.

Look. Look, look, like I said, it's none of my business,

but this guy expects you to be his for the evening.

The whole evening, know what I mean?

Sam, we are having a harmless conversation about art.

- Do you know what I think? - What?

I think you're a little bothered by the fact that he's so good-looking.

That's what you consider good-looking?

- Well... - The guy's got padded shoulders,

and I bet that's not even his real lips.

He's gorgeous, and it's driving you crazy.

- No, it's not. - Yeah, it's killing you

that there's another attractive man in your bar.

Another rooster in your henhouse.

The day goes so much easier for me now that we've got

those little Cup-a-Soups in the office, sir.

If that was your idea, Mr. Sawyer, you are a genius.

- Norm, how about I buy you a drink? - Well, thank you.

Why don't you just set sail for the bar over there

- and have yourself a good time. - That's wonderful, sir.

Diane, I understand there's a pool table in the back room.

How about a game?

Okay. I've never played before,

- but why should that stop us, huh? - Right.

Thank you for that conversation, sir. I know I'm the better for it.

- Hi there. - Hello.

That is a good-looking guy.

I felt something kick.

Well, now you know why I never go to these things.

It must be strange getting that reaction from people, huh?

I like to think it's the money and position and not me.

Oh, I can assure you it's not you.

I think Sawyer likes Diane. I'm on my way, big guy.

Norm, you know, you're really sickening tonight.

Yeah, I know, Sam.

I'm not proud of myself, but, then, I never am.

Yeah.

Well, Simon Says is my game.

- Yeah. - I'm great at that.

Well, maybe I can help you out here. I can teach you in a couple of minutes.

- Oh, all right. - Why don't you just

- put your left hand down like that. - Yeah.

And grab the end with your other hand.

- I'm not in the way here, am I? - Diane, you smell wonderful. What is it?

Thank you. Dandruff shampoo.

- I like it. - I don't flake for hours.

- Herb, wait a minute. No. - Diane, you're beautiful.

Well, you know, I don't really believe in mauling on the first date.

I didn't come down to hear the band.

I thought we were having a nice conversation.

- We were. That part's over. - So how is everything back here?

Whoops!

- Norman! - He'll stop in a minute, Diane.

- No, really, Norman, it's... - Mr. Sawyer...

- Get lost, Norm! - Fine, sir.

- Look, this is not my idea of... - Oh, come on, Diane.

- No! Wait a minute! - Mr. Sawyer...

- I told you to leave. - Mr. Sawyer, get off!

- Norm, this is a big mistake. - I'm sorry, sir. I know. I'm sorry.

Nice cologne, sir. Excellent cologne.

You're crazy! You set me up with this girl, and then you do this?

There is no room in my company for unstable people.

You clean out your desk tonight! You're fired!

Yeah, I figured.

Norman, I'm... I'm real sorry you lost your job.

That's exactly what I was trying to avoid.

That's all right.

What was that all about? Your boss just stormed out of here.

- He's not my boss anymore. - What?

He was all over Diane. I had to get rough with him.

I want a beer.

- You okay? - Yes.

Well, go ahead, gloat.

Listen, believe it or not, I'm...

I'm really sorry this happened. I know you must be feeling...

- ...hurt and angry right now. - No.

No, I'm not feeling hurt and angry.

I brought this on myself.

- Actually, I'm feeling kind of... - Cheap?

All right, yes. I feel cheap.

I saw an attractive person with a little glamour,

and I wanted to meet him so badly that I pushed everything aside

and threw myself at him,

totally sacrificing my dignity and my pride.

What's wrong with that? I do that all the time.

For one terrible moment, I actually saw myself through his eyes.

I saw nothing...

...but a cheap harlot.

Come on, we all know that you'd starve to death

before you made a living with your body.

- Thanks, Sam. - You're welcome, Diane.

So he fired you, huh, Norm?

He fired me, Coach.

You know something?

I may not have a job.

I may not have a future.

I may not have anything except this sheet on my back...

...but you know something?

I feel terrible.

Gee, I'm sorry, Norm.

Got it.

Hey, did you really hit the boss?

No, I just shoved him around a little bit.

Hey, everybody, it's true! Norman just punched out the boss!

- I just pushed him around. - Way to go, Peterson.

All right, Norman!

Norman, our hero!

- Norman! - Norman!