Original subtitles

[upbeat pop music playing]

[song continues]

- [sighs] - [chuckles]

[song continues]

- Wow. - [laughs]

[song continues]

[Ally laughs]

[song continues]

[Ally gasps and sighs]

Hi.

- [gasps] Hi! - Hello. Hi.

- Hi. Hello. Welcome. - We're on a holiday.

Ally and Paul, Paul and Ally.

We're Ally, and they're Paul. I'm P--He's Paul.

[laughter]

I had some Valiums, um, for the... flying

and some Malbec, which is red wine. I like wine.

- [Ally laughs] - Yes.

- Okay? - Yeah!

Okay. Uh, surname is Worsley.

- [chuckles] - Sorry. Yes.

- It's all right. - That's our name.

Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Worsley. I see you've booked three rooms.

- Yes. Now... - Yes.

I did email ahead about this.

Uh, we were originally gonna be traveling with our two children.

You know, they're called Ava and Luke, yeah.

And Ava's doing some work experience at a biomedical lab.

- Because she's very clever. - [Paul] Yeah.

- [Ally laughs] - And Luke is, um...

- He's having a baby. - Yeah.

But we don't wanna talk about that. [chuckles]

Yeah, but, uh, anyway, I just wonder,

is there any chance of a refund on the two rooms?

- Please? - Uh...

- [typing on keyboard] - I'm very sorry, Mr. Worsley,

but the package you booked is non-refundable.

Fair enough. Thanks for checking. Uh...

- [Ally] Yeah. - 'Cause I booked it

18 months ago when things were slightly less, uh...

- Bleh. - Yeah.

Oh, what I cando as a goodwill gesture

is upgrade you to our presidential suite.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so much. - Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Presidential. - Hey, yeah.

- Presidential. - You keep saying it.

[laughs] I hope it's Obama and not Trump

or the Watery-gate one with the jowls.

- Mm. - I didn't like him.

Where are you... Okay. Right, um...

[Ally] Hi! Hello! Are you on holiday? I'm on holiday.

Um... maybe send up some coffee or... or a drugs counselor.

- [Ally] Hi! - [clerk laughs]

- Let me get you your keys. - [Paul] Great, thank you.

- She'll be fine, though. - Um... Yeah.

I'll keep an eye on her.

- Breakfast is from 7 a.m... - Uh-huh.

- ...in the Odysseus Restaurant. - Okay, yeah.

- Outside on our south terrace. - Brilliant. Thank you very much.

- [clerk] You're welcome. - [Paul] Um... um...

[Ally in distance] Hi! I'm Ally. Oh! That is...

[grunts]

- [gasps] - Oh, shit.

- Oh. [squeals] - Um...

And there's a bar. There's a bar.

- There's a bar. - Okay.

Look at that lovely bit of jewelry.

- [Ally gasps] Free things! - [Paul] Oh, my God.

- [gasps] Wow. - This is fucking mad.

[gasps] Oh, there's a... there... there are stairs.

- I'm gonna check out the stairs. - Please don't.

Not in your... current... state.

- Let me go and do that. - [Ally laughs]

I'll report back. [chuckles]

[gasps]

[gasps] Wow!

Hello, my people. [chuckles]

[gasps] There's stone pineapples out here, Paul!

- Hon. Hon. - Yeah?

There's a Jacuzzi in our bathroom.

- [Ally] No. - Yeah, it... it's really big.

I think it's probably tidal.

[laughs] Oh, my God. I feel like a rock star.

That's 'cause you're off your face.

- All right, I'm coming up. - Honestly, hon,

- please be careful. - I don't need to be careful.

[chuckles]

[gasps] Ohh.

[sighs deeply]

- Well... [laughs] - Well...

You know, there's nothing like a... a hotel room

just pressuring you to have sex. [chuckles]

Yeah, it is. It's... It is begging for sex, isn't it?

Yeah. Coming on a bit strong, isn't it?

Yeah, definitely. Back off, room. Shh.

[chuckles]

[Ally sighs]

[moans and sighs]

- How long has it been? - I don't know.

Five months.

Listen, we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves.

- About what? - About the, mm, dry spell.

It's been a really difficult few months.

Yeah. Who knew that becoming grandparents wasn't a turn-on?

[gasps]

'Cause it's really weird without them here, isn't it?

It is, yeah. On the other hand, we have bagged

the David Bowie suite at no extra cost.

Do you think that David Bowie actually stayed here?

- I definitely do. Yes, I do. - [laughing]

He was a very big fan on all-inclusive package holidays.

- He loved them. - Same with Bolan.

Lou Reed--more of a-- I don't know, campsite guy.

[chuckles]

- Oh, man. - [Ally] Mm.

We should get going, you know? 'Cause, uh, we booked

- that tour for 2:00. - Mm.

[exhales deeply] Hmm.

Good. That's... That's helpful.

[seabirds calling]

[Ally] Did it definitely say 2:00?

[Paul] Yeah, I checked the confirmation.

It's 2:00, hon.

[cellphone chimes]

Oh, uh, it's Luke.

He said that Ava's having a great day at the lab.

- Mm-hmm. - But she's very busy

and that they're gonna get takeaway later.

- Maya is craving Italian. - Ah, great.

- Aw. - See?

- See what? - They're fine.

I... I didn't think they were gonna get murdered, Paul.

I just wanted to touch base.

Look, no one wishes they were here more than I do, hon.

This was gonna be our last...

big... I don't know.

Big family holiday together.

Well, yeah. You... You don't think, do you,

when the kids are little, that you've got

a finite amount of family holidays together,

but it turns out you have, and it seems like

we might have had our last one without even realizing it.

Yeah.

Oh. There he is. Hi.

You for the tour?

Uh, yes. For Worsley.

- [Ally and Paul] Oh. - Four of you?

Uh, no, it's just... just two of us 'cause our daughter Ava...

Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah.

I won't go into... into that. Yeah.

- So, two of you, then? - Yeah.

No one else has booked?

- No. - [Paul] Ah.

- We'll start with the exterior. - Oh. It's happening.

[guide] The tower was completed in 1637.

It's 11 meters high with, as you can see, a square base...

- [Paul] Mm-hmm. - ...and two levels.

Access to the upper floors was originally by means

- of a wooden ladder. - Uh-huh.

Just be aware there's no photography

allowed inside the tower.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, of course. [exhales]

This is one of the surviving eight towers

of an original 13 that were built to enhance

and expand the town's existing system of coastal defense.

- We will see all eight today. - [chuckles] Very good.

- Will we? Eight? - Eight.

- Okay. - Where you are?

Uh... [exhales deeply]

- You all right? - Uh, can't find the keys.

[guide] The next tower we will explore had repair work

in the mid-19th century that revealed the foundations

of the Church of St. Agatha, destroyed in 1075.

Care to guess what might have been

the cause of that destruction?

Damp.

Uh, asteroids? Oh, no, that was the dinosaurs, wasn't it?

Um, fire?

Yes. It was a big fire.

Oh.

Follow me.

[under breath] He's a fucking laugh, isn't he?

It's like being shown around by that bloke from Up.

[chuckles]

Oh, hello, hello.

- Taxi. - Oh. Are you serious?

- No, he's serious. I'm sensible. - [guide speaking indistinctly]

- Should we... s... - [guide] In addition to this,

she is the patron saint of... [continues indistinctly]

- Get on the driver. - I'm gonna... okay.

I'm gonna go the other side.

Hi.

- [sighs] - Hi. Xara Palace Hotel, please.

You booked? Jameson?

Um, yes. Yeah, yeah, that, um...

- Yep. - We are Mr. And Mrs. Jameson.

- Mrs. Jame-- Jameson. - Thank you for waiting for us.

- Thanks for waiting. - [chuckles] Ahh.

- [couple] Excuse me. - Oh, that's the way to do that.

- Oh, fuck, it's their taxi. - [woman] Excuse me.

Um, let's go. I think we can go now.

- Yeah, yeah. - That's...

- That's definitely ours? - Yeah, that's our taxi.

Hey! What...

Bastards!

- Massive bastards. - [guide] Why?

- [laughs] - [exhales]

[laughs]

We'd have made a great Bonnie and Clyde.

Yeah, as long as someone pre-booked the getaway car.

Right, so, what next? Should we, uh, take a tour

of the old town square and then shoot up a bank?

[laughs] No, let's... let's save something for tomorrow, baby.

- Aw. - Um...

- [claps hands] - Why don't we hit the pool

and drink cocktails all afternoon?

[gasps] Now, you, Mr. Worsley, you know how to holiday.

[TV playing indistinctly]

[sniffs]

Oh, no.

I think this has blue cheese in it.

Oh. I didn't even think about that.

Oh, shit.

Do you think you can take it out?

How? By washing the pasta?

Um, well, you can... you can share mine.

There's at least enough for three in there.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

- [Maya sighs] - [TV continues indistinctly]

[Holly and Ava laughing]

Thanks.

It's okay.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

Mm.

[TV continues indistinctly]

[indistinct playful shouting and laughter]

[squealing and yelling]

Shut the fuck up, mate.

[playful shouting and laughter continue]

What's wrong?

It's not their section, is it, hon?

- Paul, it's not the Titanic. - Mm.

It's the adults-only pool, though, innit?

It's not the "adults, only, it's the kids, actually" pool.

How long have you been working on that?

- About a minute. - [chuckles]

Look, let's just try and relax.

- Okay? - Yeah, very relaxing, innit?

Fucking American Sniper over there.

- [squealing and laughing] - [Paul] Fucking menace.

[water splashing, people continue shouting playfully]

[playful yelling, water splashing]

[Paul] You enjoying this?

- [family yelling and grunting] - [Paul] This relaxing you?

- [squealing continues] - Should we go for a swim?

[clicks teeth] I considered it, but...

I don't know.

Don't want to upstage Premier League Ken over there

with my front crawl.

You're not actually self-conscious, are you?

You look great.

Anyway, look, that guy's got his top off, doesn't he?

Aside from the fact that we've both got nipples,

I hope you don't think we're that similar.

- [Ally] No, I'm not say... - [Paul] Fuck me.

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that you're

allowed to have your top off.

No one would be judging you.

Sorry, let... let me... let me just be clear.

- Everyone would be judging me. - Oh.

Right? Judging people is what human beings do best.

There's a little thing called the internet they like to use.

- [sighs] - [indistinct shouting continues]

- That's it, innit? - [child] Whoo!

We're the old people round the pool now, fucking...

That is a bit bleak, isn't it? Come on.

I guarantee you, babe, you ask any of these fuckers.

- [scoffs] - That is what we are.

We're the aging parents at best,

the people who you bring round to bleed your radiators

and lend you money.

Christ, I am really, very, very sorry

that I pointed at an elderly topless man.

It won't happen again.

[laughter and playful shouting continue]

We really should bleed the radiator.

[laughs] It's such a drag.

[gasps] Oh, shitting hell, it's the taxi couple.

- [Ally] Fuck. - [Paul] Fuck.

- Just look away. Look away. - No, I...

- [Paul] They won't... - Can we get...

- Just play deaf. Play deaf. - It's too late, too late.

[Ally] It's not going to be...

Oh, thanks. Leave me to deal with it.

- Sorry, mate. - Huh?

Do you mind if we take these chairs?

Yeah, uh, yeah, of course.

Just, uh, yeah. Yours for the taking.

- Go for it. - Cheers.

- No worries. - I'm Jameson.

Oh, uh, Paul. My wife, Ally.

[Ally] Hey, I thought that was your surname--

I thought that's, um, just a very unusual first name.

Yeah, yeah, me dad really loves whisky.

- Oh. [laughs] - Oh. [chuckles]

- Uh, this is me wife, Kirsty. - Hi, Kirsty.

- Hi, Kirsty. - Hi. Nice to meet you.

[Jameson sighs]

[family continues yelling and squealing]

[Jameson] They're in the wrong section.

Yes, they are. Thank you.

- Voice of sanity. - [laughs]

- It's not right, though. - Yeah, I know.

- Someone should have a word. - Mm.

[squealing and laughter continue]

[Paul groans]

- Oh? - Excuse me, Jameson.

[squealing and laughter continue]

[under breath] Oh, gosh.

- [child squeals] - [Ally] Don't fight the man.

[Ally] Oh, you're not fighting the man.

Excuse me. Could you just ask these people

to take their kids away? It is the adults-only pool, so...

[Paul] Thank you.

[laughter and yelling continue]

[squeals and laughter]

[speaks inaudibly]

- [father] Oh, really? - [child] What does it matter?

[child] Why do we have to...

- Nice one. - [Paul] Thank you.

- Very good. - [chuckles]

[inhales deeply] Ah.

Anyone for a drink?

[laughter]

Oh, God, I'm so jealous. So cool you guys live in London.

- Yes, it is, innit? - Yeah, we're very grateful.

- [Jameson] Yeah. - [laughter]

Another round?

Uh, looks like they're closing up, isn't it?

Oh, shit, yeah. We are...

- We are the last people here. - Oh.

Well, I guess we should probably call it a night.

- Yeah. [sighs] - So glad we met you guys.

We were worried it was gonna be all families, you know?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah, right.

- Stupid families. Who needs 'em? - [laughter]

- Had a really nice evening. - Yeah, that was great.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

- Lovely. - See you guys soon.

- [Paul] Mm-hmm. - [Ally] Yeah.

[sighs] Ah.

Are you good to make a move, babe?

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

- That was really nice. - Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

Yeah, I like them. [sniffles]

He's got, uh, big arms.

- Ooh. - What?

That's not our key, 'cause I've got our key.

Okay. Oh, shit. Is it theirs? Must be theirs.

- Uh, okay. - What?

You don't think... that when they said, "See you guys soon,"

- that that was... No. - [laughs] No.

- No, no, no, no. - No.

- Or... no! - Okay.

- No. - [chuckles] No.

- [Paul] Hi. - Yes?

Uh, just wanted to return this key.

Oh! Thank God. We're looking for that everywhere.

- Oh. Okay. Sorry about that. - Cheers.

- Yeah. - See you around.

Yeah, yeah. Good night. Take care.

Nah.

[grunts]

[resumes typing on keyboard]

Okay, so if that had been a... a real invitation,

a sexy invitation, a sex-tation...

I don't like where this is heading.

No, I'm serious. Would you ever...

So, is this a test? 'Cause I'm... I'm...

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail it.

Why, would you?

Mm...

[chuckles]

I suppose I always just thought that it was something

- that older couples did... - Mm.

...once they got bored of each other.

Right, right, so not for us, then.

[chuckles] Hey.

[laughter]

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[inhales sharply]

You okay?

I'll be okay. I just need to...

[strained voice] sit up for a bit.

[sighs]

[exhales deeply]

[sighs]

It's so quiet here.

- Yeah. No, it's great, isn't it? - Yeah. [sighs]

- [loud clank] - [whispers] Shit.

- [chuckles] - Smooth.

Always graceful. I did ballet for four years.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.

- No, you... Seriously? - [laughs] Yeah.

Okay, that's ridiculous. How did I not know that?

Oh, 'cause I'm a woman of hidden depths

- and endless mystery. - Oh.

So, what else don't I know about you?

Oh, no, actually, I think ballet's...

- [laughs] - [laughs] Just joking again.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

We forgot to check back in with the kids again last night.

Yeah, well, you know, we were sort of busy.

Mm. Yeah, maybe it's... maybe it's a good thing.

Before we know it, we'll be back to being a two-man band again.

Yeah, still feels weird, eh?

Mm.

- I'm gonna come back for coffee. - Okay.

- Oh. - Hey!

- [Paul] Oh! - [Ally] Oh! Hi.

[under breath] Look at us with our holiday friends.

[chuckles]

[Ally and Paul grunting]

Ha! [laughs]

Hon...

- there is genuinely no point. - [Ally] There is!

There's genuinely no point in playing.

- It's more fun. - [Paul] Thank you very much.

I can't help my amazing strength.

- Can you not? - You got to really whack it,

or the ball won't respect you.

- Is that right? - Yes! [chuckles]

[cellphone rings]

- Oh, it's Luke. - [Ally gasps] Oh!

Hey, mate. Everything all right?

Yeah, of course. Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, just... just be careful. I mean, not too careful.

- Try and hit the speed limit. - Tell him I love him.

Yes, I will. And she sends hers, yeah.

All righty, I love you, mate. Speak soon. Bye-bye.

He just wants to take Maya somewhere in the car.

Oh, that's sweet.

Okay, so, nice volley, okay?

- Just a nice, simple... - [grunts]

Fuck me, right? I mean, like, who's over there?

[Ally] Go and get it. [laughs]

Don't drown.

[laughs]

[birds chirping]

Um...

- Can we... - Yeah.

So, you know the, um, the course that I applied to

the Manchester one, the long shot?

- Of course. Your dream course. - Yeah.

- Uh-huh. - I, uh, I got a place, and...

Lukey. Oh, my God. That's... That's amazing!

[gasps] You star! Wait, why...

Why didn't you tell me this earlier?

Well, I've been thinking about it a lot,

and, you know, I really wanna be there for you and the baby.

Nothing's more important.

This course could change everything for you.

I don't wanna change things. I wanna be with you.

Yeah, and you will be, just not in the same city.

Oh, you... you really can't turn this down.

- I already have. - What?

I emailed them saying that I'm declining my place.

- Have you gone mad? - Well, I... I...

I did it for us. I did it for all three of us.

I can't believe you've done this.

And I can't believe you're reacting like this.

I don't want you to miss out on an amazing opportunity.

Yeah, and I'm willing to give it up for you and the baby.

Mm, no, don't make it my responsibility, my fault,

if you end up regretting it!

Do you see how bad that would be for me?

- No! I don't! - You don't?

No, I genuinely don't!

- [Ally laughs] - [Paul] Look, I don't wanna keep

banging on about the pan-fried rabbit.

- But... - You bloody loved that rabbit.

I just wanna know how do they make food taste like that?

Magic and loads of salt and butter.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

It's been a really good day, hasn't it?

- Yeah. - No screaming children

in the adults' pool earlier. That was all down to you, Paul.

- Well... - You badass.

Well, I'm just a concerned citizen doing my little bit.

- Yeah. - You know, I don't...

I don't seek recognition for that.

Maybe a small, simple gold statue of myself

over by the towels, but nothing more, honestly.

- Nothing more. - It was a lot more peaceful.

[Kirsty[ Oh, parents can't expect their kids

to have the run of the whole hotel.

- Exactly. - People can be so entitled.

- Yeah. - You know, two arseholes

stole our taxi yesterday when we were coming from the beach.

- [Kirsty] Oh, yeah. - Just took it.

We were waiting around for hours.

- Oh, no. - That's just awful.

- [Ally] Yeah. - [sighs]

Does, uh, anyone fancy a nightcap?

Hey, there's karaoke at the bar tonight.

- There was a notice up. - I don't know if I fancy that.

- Uh... - I was thinking a quiet drink.

Yeah, w-well, we could... we could go up to ours.

Oh, yeah, we're... we're... we're in the presidential suite.

- [laughs] - Oh, my God. You're in a suite.

- That is epic. What's it like? - It's lovely.

Do you know what? No, it's not lovely.

- It is amazing. - No, it's absolutely ridiculous.

It's way too good for us, but, um, yeah.

You'd be welcome to come up for a drink.

- [Kirsty] Sure. - Yeah.

- [Jameson] Yeah. - [Paul] Yeah?

- Yeah, we'd love to. - Great, well, let's do it.

Yeah.

- Ooh. - Ta-da!

[laughter]

- Oh! - [laughter]

- Oh, my fucking God. - [Ally] Yeah.

[Jameson] Nice. Very presidential.

Yeah, it's quite something, isn't it?

Would anyone like presidential champagne?

- [Ally] Yes, please. - Oh!

- Yes, please. - [Kirsty] Thank you.

- Coming right up. - Wow.

[inhales deeply] Um... do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Oh, yeah, it's just on the next level.

Okay.

[footsteps ascend stairs]

Oh, hon, they both go upstairs?

- Yes, weirdly. - Hmm.

Oh, would you get some glasses on, please?

- Uh-huh. - Thank you.

[grunts]

- Cheers. - Cheers.

[laughter]

[exhales deeply]

[water running]

- [Kirsty laughing] - Are they having a bath?

I think we're all gonna have a bath.

[Kirsty continues laughing]

[door closes]

[bell tolling]

- [Ally chuckles] - [Paul] Look at it.

How long do we have to wait?

God knows.

Is it faster or slower when it's two people instead of four?

[laughs] I've never had a foursome.

- Have you not? - No.

Well, that's that and the ballet that I know about now.

[laughter]

Oh, I hope they don't steal all our stuff.

I'd rather they stole our stuff

than our... foursome virginity.

[chuckles] I can't believe they wanted to fuck us.

- No? - [laughs]

- I can. I'd fuck us. - [laughs]

We're totally fuckable people, babe.

[chuckles]

Oh, I'm having the best time with you.

Yeah, me, too.

I was sad that the family holidays are over,

- but this is just lovely. - Yeah, it's lovely.

- To us. - To us.

- [soft clink] - Twang.

[both chuckle]

Mm.

- [clicks teeth and sighs] - Ah.

Oh, what's the time? I left my phone in the room

- with the sexers. - [sighs]

[Paul sniffles] Oh, shit.

- [Ally] What is it? - [Paul] What the fuck?

Do you see how bad that would be for me?

- No, I don't! - You don't?

- No, I genuinely don't. - [scoffs]

[Maya exhales deeply]

[birds chirping]

[gasps]

Luke?

Are you okay?

[gasps] I think my waters have broken.

- Do something, Luke. - Is it, um...

[Maya gasps] Call Mum.

You sure it isn't a really big wee?

- It's not a wee. - Because sometimes the baby

can push on the bladder,

- and it looks like-- - It isn't a wee, Luke!

- [groans] - Oh, my God! Um...

- I think the baby's coming. - We've still got five weeks!

- [exhales deeply] Call Mum. - Mum's in Malta.

- Mymum! - Oh, um...

I'll run and get the car. I'll be 10 minutes, tops, okay?

- You come and sit back down. - No, no, Luke, I-I need my mum.

Can you just call her? Please, now.