Original subtitles

Mm.

Gave us a load of free ones 'cause I told them that it's--

-Told them what? -Mm-mm.

Just... how much we love condiments. Mm.

[clears throat]

-This is nice. -Hmm.

[worker] Two haddock, one saveloy!

Oh. Oh, this is good fish.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Batter's good and all.

And the chips.

-Good chips. Good, um-- -Good color.

Thank you. Not too pale.

Look, you all wanted me to do something,

so this is something we're doing, so let's just

get this done and forget about it, okay?

Move on. Great.

But, Mum, your 50th birthday, though, isn't--

Can you... You don't need to keep saying it.

-What? -The fucking number, Luke.

You know what? Fucking 50.

Can you pass me one of the 5 billion vinegars, please?

Thanks very much. For fuck's sake.

[worker] Uh, two fish pies, one cod roe!

Would have thought you'd have a bit of fish today, Luke.

-Special occasion. -He's a vegetarian.

Mm. Fish, though. I mean...

Fish actually grieve their dead.

-Do they? -They release a stress hormone.

Jesus Christ, Luke.

Sorry. Hasan says it's your 50th, love.

Happy birthday.

-Well... -[Hasan] Happy birthday!

The big 5-0! Yay!

Hey, thanks, everyone.

[Hasan] One steak pie, two cod!

-You gonna try 'em on? -I'm mid gingernut.

Well, I can't stand looking at those other things anymore.

They turn my stomach.

There's nothing wrong with these.

They make you look like you never bathe,

like a hippie or a squirrel.

You can wear your new shoes to your 80th party, Granddad.

There's not enough time to break them in.

Brogues are notoriously stiff.

No one's ever run a marathon in Brogues.

We're getting our photo taken tomorrow.

They've got a photographer coming in. Professional.

He took one of those photos of Dodi and Diana on the boat,

but he mainly does this sort of thing now.

-[doorbell rings] -I'll get it.

[door opens]

Hello.

Oh. Holly. I'm here to do Jim's hair.

Am I coming in, or is he gonna stick his head

around the door, and I'll do it here?

Oh, sorry.

Uh... Okay. Your vehicle breaks down in a tunnel.

-Spooky. -What would do you do first?

A, get out of the car and stand behind it

to show other drivers that you're not moving?

Obviously not. That is... That's mental.

B, switch on your hazards and call your breakdown company.

[horn honks]

-All right, shit. -Okay. Please pass, Luke.

Please. I just... I don't wanna be one of those mums

that gives birth on the floor of a bus.

Don't worry. I will pass.

-Love you. -Love you, too.

Okay.

[exhales deeply] Thanks for this.

You're welcome, mate. Mate, do... do you want to drive?

Um, no, I should--I'll keep revising in the car.

-Right. -[sighs]

Okay.

It's quite a process.

She's gonna blast me ends in a minute with the men's dryer.

I got a special hair dryer for the guys.

They got stronger hair, haven't they, men?

Only need a little breeze for the ladies.

Knock 'em over, otherwise.

I'm just gonna walk round the perimeter.

One of the great English walks, that.

[Ava] Bye, Granny.

-15 and some shrapnel. -Oh.

I'm afraid the accumulator didn't come up, though.

Hey, 15 quid's not bad at all. Thanks, Holly.

I can't get to the bookies' now, so Holly goes for me.

Okay. This whole thing makes more sense now.

What?

He's only got, like, eight hairs.

-Ooh. -And I'm working my magic

on all eight of them, thank you very much.

-She can do yours after. -But only eight?

Yeah, you've got to pick your favorites.

[chuckles]

You got great hair. I could do yours for real.

I'm always after people to practice on for sixth form.

Thank you, Holly.

Holly's helpin' organize my 80th birthday party.

You two should swap numbers.

Chat sausage rolls and quiche and whatnot.

Yeah, go on then. Stick your number in there.

-[sighs] Buckle up, Jim. -[hair dryer turns on]

And you've come to us via the...

-[watch beeps] -...inimitable Darren?

Ah, yeah. There can only be one Darren, thank God.

[both chuckle]

-[watch beeps] -And he's your business partner?

-Silent partner? -I mean, silent's the goal.

Yeah, if I can get him to shut up for five minutes.

[both chuckle]

-Oh, your coffee. -Gosh.

Mm.

Wow. Thanks.

Thank you. Thanks.

Cool.

Is that for me, too? Thanks. Thanks.

It's lovely.

Thanks.

Thanks. Thank you.

-[watch beeps] -Please.

So, we're super keen to throw open the doors here,

get as much wisdom in the room as possible.

Sorry. You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, no, I was...

I'm just gonna let it cool down for a bit

'cause it's very, very, very hot. [chuckles]

-What we're excited by... -[watch beeping]

...is the sheer breadth of your experience.

We think that that is something

-we could really feed from here. -[watch beeps]

Great. Well, I would love to, um...

well... [stammers] feed you, I suppose. [chuckles]

-[chuckles] -That's great.

-Mm. -Yeah. She's great.

-Yeah. -[watch beeps]

Mmm, that smells complicated.

-How was it? -I got it. They love me.

-Oh! Great. Well done. -[laughs]

They offered me the job on the spot.

They didn't even wanna see the other candidate.

Ah, mate, well, that calls for a drink.

Uh, Luke has some good news, too.

-Oh, yeah. -I, uh, I passed my theory.

Oh, Luke, that's amazing. You must be so relieved.

-Yeah, I am. -Oh.

Still gotta do my practical, though.

Oh, you'll be fine.

[Paul] Um, Maya, is apple juice all right for you?

[Maya] Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

Did you get one of these?

What am I looking at?

It's a walking holiday, Paul. Look at them.

They seem very happy.

This is my demographic now,

these guys. Swimming costume off.

I'm going on holiday in a fucking cagoule now, am I?

Look, just chuck it.

It's junk. I get that stuff all the time.

-Am I on some sort of register? -Fuckin' hope not.

Oh, they're gonna try and sell me a little chair

for the shower next, aren't they?

Oh, sounds fucking lovely, to be fair.

-[sighs] -I'll take them.

-Yeah. -Ah, shit, just remembered.

I've got to get more booze for Dad's thing. Drink up. Drink up.

You know he started having his hair done regularly?

-Mm. -Can you get a blue rinse

for a bald head?

Holly says no one has them anymore.

They all get this demi wave thing because

your hair thins as you age. You lose, like, 70% volume.

Holly says it's better just to chop it off

after a certain point. It's just wisps otherwise.

-Right. Uh-- -Holly's granddad's hairdresser.

Well, not just Granddad's. She does all of them.

She's paying her way through sixth form.

She's full-time now. Well, four days a week.

Right. A toast... [chuckles] to Mum and Luke.

-Aw. -Mum and Luke.

Yes.

Hey, mate, play your cards right,

you'll be driving her to work on her first day.

[photographer] Lovely.

Just look over to me again, Bobby.

How long is this gonna take?

Well, they can't rush it, Jim. It's a proper portrait.

Portrait? Who am I, Henry the fucking VIII?

Hello.

I don't know why you won't put your new shoes on.

Jesus, Jackie, they're not gonna get me shoes in it, are they?

-It'll be from the knees up. -But what if it isn't?

What if it's, you know, what's it called?

-Full frontal? -Full length.

-All right, Holly. -Hello.

I'm gonna give Leslie a quick zhuzh.

She doesn't need a zhuzh. She needs a defibrillator.

-Hmm. -[photographer] Lovely bow tie.

Be nice for Luke and Ava to have a proper photo of us.

They've already got one of us in Mitcham at the carvery.

[scoffs] What, and you'd want that printed

alongside your obituary, would you?

[gasps] Look, Jimmy's getting his shoe in it.

Big smile! Excellent.

Oh, I don't know why you won't put your shoes--

Because they're me last shoes, aren't they?

I've had these ones seven years,

so the next pair will be me last.

-They're a dead man's shoes. -Just a pair of shoes.

It's the pair of shoes I'm gonna be buried in.

[photographer] Thank you. How's everything?

Well, I'm not burying you in those old ones.

I'd rather you went in barefoot or in my slippers.

I can't put the new ones on, Jackie. Not yet.

[photographer] Right. Let's try a fun one, shall we?

-[laughs] That's brilliant. -Oh, for crying out loud.

[photographer] Can I have the next victim, please?

[door opens, indistinct conversations]

Hey. Are... Are they finished?

Oh, no, they're still queuing.

Is Mr. January doing his nude shots?

[laughs] Yes. It's getting very steamy in there.

-[chuckles] -I was gonna get a tea

-if you want one. -Sure.

Susie's back in town! Hooray! [laughs]

What was it? A wedding? Any good?

Oh, six out of 10. Could do better.

Ooh. God, you forget the vicar might be judging you.

Well, they didn't bring out those canapés quick enough.

It's like, I'm not saying long, lads.

-Get the arancini balls movin'! -[chuckles]

I only started coming for a bit of extra cash,

but turns out I love old people.

They are excellent, the ones I know, anyway.

They're just so good at chilling. Look at 'em.

They've been there for hours, just lookin', thinkin',

appreciatin' the small things, you know?

Is it possible that they can't actually get up?

Maybe we should check their pulses.

[laughs] Are you disrespecting Gwen and Michael?

You're lucky Gwen ain't got her hearing aids in.

[laughs]

That's all I want. You know, simple stuff.

Nice house.

Nice girlfriend. Nice dog.

I've always wanted a dog, but it wouldn't be fair on it.

Living in a city?

-No, living with my dad. -[laughs]

-So, what you do for fun? -I don't know.

I've never been great at having fun.

-Maybe I'm too serious. -Uh, bollocks. You're hilarious.

But I mean, you should have a hobby.

-Like what? -I don't know. Pick one.

Uh... roller skatin'?

-Roller skatin'? -Yeah.

I haven't been either, so...

we could... break our legs together?

They're probably done by now, and I said I... I should go in.

Yeah, okay. Well, I'll... see you at the party, then.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Bag. [chuckles]

-[bartender] Afternoon, love. -Hi, can I--

-What can I get you? -A red wine, please.

[cellphone rings]

[sighs]

Hi, Darren. Yeah. No, yeah, it went brilliantly, thanks.

Yeah. Oh, did they? Oh, that's good.

Sorry. What do you mean?

Are you joking me?

You better be fucking joking me, Darren.

[inhales and exhales deeply]

I don't even think I should look, really,

you know, until I've passed.

Well, you're not gonna jinx yourself by staring

at a Renault Clio for 10 minutes.

Sort of want to know who the owner was.

Yeah, you probably don't.

-How we gettin' on? -Jesus.

Uh, yeah, just looking. Cheers. Yeah.

Yeah, for you, is it? Little back and forth to uni?

Just want the safest one, really.

-It's, uh, it's for a baby. -Don't let a baby drive it,

for God's sake. They haven't really got

the hand-eye coordination for that.

-Well, that's exciting stuff. -Hmm.

Yeah. Congratulations.

So, we're just gonna have a little, uh, mooch about.

You're gonna wanna look at boot space.

-Gotcha. -Yeah. Babies need a lot of kit.

-Right. [chuckles] -Honestly, whether you're

going out for three hours or three weeks,

-it's the same amount of stuff. -Yeah.

-Come on. Let's have a look. -Why did you...

No, we're not buying this one.

You could fit in there, you could,

and he's gonna want to, isn't he, Dad, hey?

Get a bit of peace and quiet. Come on.

Let's have a poke around at her insides, shall we?

-I'm gonna fucking kill him! -Well, I'll be your alibi.

Well, they'll believe me because privilege.

-And he definitely knew before? -Yeah, they told him 'cause

they've had shit from their HR guys about ageism or whatever,

so he's wheeled me in like a rescue hag.

They just needed someone over my... my age.

-Over 50? -[groans]

[chuckles] You're gonna have to say it at some point.

Let's get another 50 bottles of this, then.

-All right, I'm on it. -Nearly done.

Did anything grab you back there?

Quite like the idea of being locked in a boot.

[chuckles] No, me, too.

A cross between a spa and a kidnapping.

-You're driving. -What?

-Ta. -No...

[sighs]

-You all right? -Yeah. Just, um... sometimes

feel like my elbows get in the way. Where... Where...

-Where do you put yours? -Where do I put them?

-Yeah. -In the glove compartment.

That way I know where they are. Oh, right.

He's... He's letting you out, so do you want to go right here?

-Yeah. -Great.

[Paul] Good, good, good. Thanks, mate.

Lovely.

Very good. Very good, mate.

Just pick up your speed a little bit.

Uh, this is a really fast road.

It's not really fast. It's a... It's a 30,

so just... yeah, put... put your foot down, mate.

Dad, I can't. I need... I need to stop.

Luke, Luke, just calm down. Keep going straight along this road.

-Shit. I can't. Dad, I can't. -No, you don't... Just...

-I... I need to pull over. -Luke, you don't have

-to pull over, darling. -Listen to what I'm telling you.

Dad, I can't do it!

Luke, calm the fuck down just for a second, mate.

-There's no need to pull over. -I'm not doing that.

Luke, carry on now. Don't fucking stop.

[horn honks in distance]

-[car door closes] -[exhales deeply]

-You all right? -[sighs] Can't do it, Dad.

Well, it would help if you sat in the actual car.

No, I mean, I can't do any of it.

I'm not... I'm not ready.

Well, you're gonna have to be, aren't you, Luke?

Because it's happening, son,

and it's happening pretty fucking soon.

So I just... I learn to drive, and then I get a car,

and then... I'm just a dad then, am I?

Basically, yes.

It's scary. I know. I'm still scared.

That bit never goes.

-All right, what should I say? -Short and sweet.

Just, "Fuck off."

-Yeah. -Subject heading. nothing else.

Perfect. That'll just really freak him out.

Your skills are wasted on Jesus.

"Fuck off."

-Send. -[cellphone clatters]

You don't have to feel ready for it, 'cause no one does.

You just... uh... You just do it.

You know, you get up in the morning,

and you... you just do it best you can.

And some days it will be...

Uh... well, it'll be fucking horrific...

[laughs] to be honest with you.

You'll wanna put your head through a wall, but...

much of the time...

it'll feel magical, mate.

Like you're gonna meet this little person,

and you are going to lose your mind

in the most brilliant way.

And listen, don't forget, mate,

me and Mum will be with you every step of the way.

We can still be the grownups when you need us to be. Okay?

[cellphone chimes]

Now, come on.

Mum said she's had three bottles of wine

and not enough crisps.

[whimsical music playing over computer]

-Mm, this bit. Wait, hang on. -[cat meows on video]

[laughs] Yeah, this is it.

[cellphone buttons clicking]

[whimsical music, meowing continues on video]

-Who are you messaging? -No one.

You're... You're smiling at your phone.

It's just for Granddad's thing.

Someone from the sheltered housing.

She's called Holly. She's the hairdresser there.

-She's very funny. -[laughs] Oh, my God.

-What? -You like her.

What? I don't... No! Stop it.

-Ava! -It's really nothing, Grace.

Don't make it weird.

[cellphone buttons resume clicking]

[messaging bloops]

I mean, you are literally

holding your phone to your heart.

-[cellphone clatters] -[chuckles]

[Ally] Should have had a burger.

-Hi, darling. -Hi!

-Nice time? -Ah, so nice.

How's Susie?

-So nice! -Good.

So nice.

[seat belt clunking]

[Ally grunts]

You all right?

-Fine. -[seat belt clacking]

-I'm just gonna hold it. -No, don't hold it. Just...

Ooh! You coming in for a little kissy?

No, 'cause you're 40% proof, aren't you, babe?

Right. Can I just get under you're ass? Thank you.

Oh, don't go in it. Ahh!

-[laughs] -[sighs and chuckles]

-Great. -[seat belt clicks]

-[sighs] I quit that job. -Excuse me?

Yeah, I'm not doing that,

looking at me like I'm fucking 90,

and I don't want to work there, anyway.

They've got weird space coffee.

It's very hot in here. Where's the windy window thingy?

There isn't a windy-- When did you quit this job?

Just now. I wrote a really good email.

Susie edited-it-it... it.

-Susie editedit. -Susie did?

-Yeah. -Great.

Two piss-heads are better than one.

-Oh, my God! Luke is driving! -Yeah, uh...

Yep. Don't put him off. He's doing really well.

-Can you slow it down a second? -Yeah, please.

[moans] I feel a bit sick.

[laughs]

One, two, three, four, five, six.

I love toast.

Give me some toast. I love toast.

I haven't got time to wait for that.

I'll be dead soon, won't I?

Everything's... Oh.

Yes, Queens!

Hi, Ally.

-[laughs] -Steady.

[Ally] It's fun.

Is she okay?

Yeah. She's just feeling a bit 50.

Oh. [moans]

Oh, God.

[chuckles] Fuck. And there it is.

The reason that we don't drink like that anymore.

Oh, God. Was I horrific?

Yeah. No. You--You were very merry, actually,

for someone who's just told their new boss

to fuck off and done a little sick out the car.

-Fuck. What is wrong with me? -Ah, nothin'.

I hate turning 50. I wanna turn back.

Look, I... I wasn't keen on 50 when it hit either,

but I know this is a cliché.

It's a lot better than the alternative.

Mm.

Everything's going too fast. I can't...

-Yeah. -[sighs]

I sort of feel like we've had the good bit.

Do you know what I mean? But...

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

-I miss Luke. -Mm-hmm.

I mean, I'm gonna be a fucking grandma.

That just sounds weird.

That's like saying I'm gonna be a... horse or something.

-Nay. -[laughs]

[laughs] Fuck off. Ow. I can't laugh.

Ow. [laughs]

Right, I'm going to pop out and pick up some things

for Dad's birthday do, okay?

So, just sleep, sugar. Sleep.

[chuckles]

Fuck off.

[sighs]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[wheezes]

[exhales deeply]

Pushes all the air out of me, tying me laces.

[grunts]

You look very handsome.

[exhales deeply]

Shall we?

-[Ally] God, it's so quiet. -[Luke] Mm.

Old people generally are, I think.

-Luke, do you wanna open it? -Yes.

-After you. -Right. Thanks.

-Surprise! -[cheering]

-Oh! -Happy 130th.

Oh, my God.

Wow. Okay. Okay.

Two "okay"s? That's potentially not okay.

This is very brave, Paul.

Yeah, the fucking adrenaline walking up the street.

-[sighs] -Uh, look, 80 plus 50. That's...

-130, yeah. -Yeah.

-That number's not bad, is it? -Um...

-Ava. -[Ava] Hello.

Do you hate it?

No, no, I don't hate it. I love it. It's... It's...

It's brilliant. Thank you.

-Happy birthday, Mum. -Oh, thanks. [chuckles]

[applause]

-Happy birthday. -[chuckles]

Happy birthday, Jim. [laughs]

Happy birthday, Ally. [chuckles]

They get better as you get older.

-That's a lie. They get worse. -[chuckles]

-Happy birthday, darling. -Oh, thank you.

-Mm. -Thanks so much. Oh. Hey!

Well done, darling, putting on a brave face.

[lowered voice] Put me in one of these places,

-I'll fucking kill you. -Wow. Good to know. Okay.

[sighs]

Thank you. [chuckles] I love you.

I love you, too.

-[resident] Whoa! -[residents gasp]

Yeah. All right. Don't all pretend like you're not

all at it like rabbits. I saw it on Panorama.

Hey, um, listen, I'm... I'm so sorry for quitting that job.

You just... You can't put a price on pride.

No, I know. But if you could put a price on it...

[inhales sharply] 15 grand for two months' work.

-Really? -Yeah.

You can't be angry with me, though,

'cause it's my party.

-Okay. -[laughs]

[grunts]

-Uh, I'm gonna pick up tea. -Okay.

-Or a sherry. -[Ally laughs]

Hi, Mum.

[exhales deeply] 80. Bloody hell.

It's a lot of years.

[mouth full] It goes by very fast, Ava. Lightnin' speed.

You can't hang about.

Got to grab life by the short and curlies,

if I'm still allowed to say that.

I think you are.

[singer vocalizing]

[vocalizing continues in distance]

[vocalizing grows louder]

[vocalizing continues in distance]

Hey.

Hey. Sorry. Just had to get away

from the intense partying for a bit.

Holly, would you like to go on a date with me?

Yeah. I'd... I'd like that a lot.

Good.

May I kiss you?

You absolutely fucking may.