Original subtitles

[beeping]

[sonographer] And... wait just one second.

[heartbeat]

Yes, there's baby.

[Maya cries]

It's a tiny, little human being.

Oh, my God. Luke, can you see?

It's amazing. It's beautiful.

So beautiful.

[heartbeat continues]

-Is--Is that the head? -That is the head.

And that heartbeat, Maya. Listen.

[heartbeat continues]

[laughs]

[heartbeat continues]

I don't know what to say.

-Fucking Nora. -Seriously?

You're--You're gonna be a father? Of a baby?

Pregnancy tests can be wrong. They go wrong all the time.

Maya's having a 12-week scan on January the 2nd.

12 weeks? [chuckles]

Shit. Right, okay, so you've known for a while, then.

We don't want to jinx anything by, like,

announcing it too soon.

Hmm.

And how are you--how are you both feeling about it?

Really excited. [laughs]

Uh, um, it's a big surprise.

Say that again. [laughs] Jesus Christ.

It wasn't planned, but you know,

we've talked about it forever,

and--and we're really, really happy.

This is such amazing news.

In our day, it was normal to have kids

at your sort of age.

Get it over with.

And then when they're grown up, you're still in your 30s.

You can have some fun. [laughs]

Dancing, go to Las Vegas, all sorts.

Have you guys thought about schools?

Uh, we're both still at school, Darren.

Yeah, you can't start too early.

Good prep schools get booked up really quickly,

and there's shit ones, actually.

Sorry to be blunt, but are you absolutely sure

you want to go ahead with this?

There is another option available.

I had a baby very young. It ruined my life.

-Mum! -I might not mean you.

What, you had a baby before me?

We're definitely keeping the baby.

We know it's a huge thing, Granny,

but we think we know what we're doing.

Granny? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm going to be a granny, and I'm not even 50 yet.

There's--There's a lot that we need to talk about.

-Yeah. -Okay?

Because, for a start, you know...

I mean, Jesus Christ. A baby.

[chuckles]

Why don't I fetch that cheese I brought

and you can all sit around with some oatcakes and quince

and talk it through?

Oh, Maya, can you eat cheese in your, um, condition?

Uh, no, she can't have any soft blue cheese

or any soft cheese with a white rind.

All right, no brie, then.

Good God. I'm so glad I'm a man.

[Darren] What do we all fancy falling asleep in front of?

Is there a a Bond? There's gotta be a Bond on somewhere.

He used to be a male model, Sean Connery.

Oh.

He posed for life-drawing classes,

never with his old fella hanging out, though,

I don't think.

[chuckles] Shame.

We could always watch the King's Christmas message at 3.

Still feels funny, doesn't it,

that it's the King's message nowadays and not the Queen?

Mm. Indeed.

It's a sort of glue holding the country together, isn't it,

the King's Christmas message?

Comforting, steady, solid.

Are we gonna watch it, then?

No. The Gruffalo's on.

Oh. Great.

[Jim] I fuckin' love the Gruffalo.

[Maya] These glasses...

Do these go in this cupboard?

Uh, no. One next to it. Thanks, Maya.

So, just to be clear, you're still--

you're still planning to go to university?

Uh, if I can get into a London college, then yeah.

And then my mum, my dad, and my sister will help out

with the baby while I'm studying.

-Oh. -And then hopefully I'll get

into a London uni, too, and then I can work

-evenings and weekends. -S-Sorry, hang on.

Um, what about

the music production course in Manchester?

Oh, yeah, that was just a mad punt. I won't get in.

-Oh. -There's, like,

400 applications for 15 places.

-Uh-huh. -I've applied to Durham, too,

but I won't go even if I get an offer.

And all my other choices are in London.

Right. Babies are expensive, Luke. They just are.

A part-time job's not gonna cut it.

Uh, my parents will help out financially at the beginning.

-Oh, yeah, I was just-- -Yeah, we can help out, too.

-So, we can do that as well. -We can help out, too.

-Yeah, to--to an extent, yeah. -Yeah, absolutely.

Look, I... I know it's a total shock.

It was a shock to my parents when we told them.

Mm.

Uh, 'cause your parents already know?

Just because of me moving in and everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, obviously they needed to...

-...to know. -Yeah.

[chuckles nervously]

So, um, can this scan tell you the sex of the baby?

Not accurately, but it can tell you the due date

and whether you're expecting twins.

So, I mean, are we allowed to come to the scan--

I mean, scan--are parents-- grandparent--grandparents-to-be,

are they allowed to-- to be at the scan?

Uh, in the actual scan room,

they say they only allow two other people,

apart from Luke... and me, obviously.

Oh, yeah, you're kind of essential. Yeah.

But, uh, other people can wait outside.

Mm-hmm.

Okay. Oh, that's great.

That's good.

So, are you, uh, are you pleased for us?

[inhales deeply]

Yeah, yes, yes. [chuckles]

Yeah, I mean, It's-- It's a shock, obviously.

But as everyone said, it is a huge shock.

But, yeah, we're--yeah, we're--

yeah, we're really happy for you.

Ah, it's a fucking disaster, Al.

-He's 18. -Mm-hmm.

[whispers] 18.

-She's... 18. -Mm-hmm.

18. They're both... 18 years old.

It's like a Ken Loach film, isn't it?

-[sighs] -Or I don't know. Fuckin'...

-[snaps fingers] -What's that--What's that movie?

Juno?

It's like fucking Juno, isn't it?

-It's not exactly like Juno. -Well, whatever.

[sighs] I guess we're just gonna have to cope with it.

There's--There's no alternative.

-There clearly is. -What?

Wh-What your mum said. The obvious alternative.

They're keeping the baby, Paul.

They said they've thought about it.

They've talked about it. They're keeping it.

Well, maybe they've not thought hard enough.

Do you know what I mean?

Maybe some grownups need to talk to them.

We can't be the ones to suggest a termination.

They'll hate us, and we're already on the back foot.

-How? -Maya's parents have known

about this for ages. They're way ahead of us.

[sighs] They'll be the ones

in the room at the scan, won't they?

Yeah. Yes, they will.

Every single family has an alpha set of grandparents

and a beta set, and we're in danger of becoming the betas.

-It's mad! -Mm.

-Us being... -I know.

...grandparents is unreal.

It's like, get a fucking OBE or something,

new hip, becoming a magistrate.

[sighs] I'm at the denial stage, I think.

Are you at the anger stage yet?

I'm always at the fucking anger stage.

What are the other stages again?

-[laughs] Um, denial... -[exhales deeply]

...anger, bargaining, depression, um...

-Sporty, Scary, Posh. -[laughs]

-Divorced, beheaded, died. -[laughing]

Divorce... Divorced, beheaded, survived.

Oh, God. [laughs]

[whispers] Fucking hell, though, Al.

I know.

[exhales deeply]

Right. Night, night, Grandpa.

-Teeth out. Catheter in. -No, but, really, babe, babe.

This is such a massive shitshow.

It could ruin Luke's life. It could.

We won't let it, I promise.

Hey. Yeah. Mmm.

[exhales deeply]

[switch clicks]

[switch clicks]

Sorry, Ava. We're holding you up.

We're like a couple of tortoises

who've had a fall and then shat themselves.

It's fine. It's nice to go slowly sometimes.

It's good to get out for a Boxing Day walk.

You need to keep moving, or you seize up, body and mind.

It isn't Boxing Day, though, is it?

-Isn't it? -Is it?

It's the 27th.

Oh, so it's like the Boxing Day of Boxing Day.

Which would make Christmas Day Boxing Day Eve.

So...

how are you feeling about Luke and all that, Ava?

20 seconds.

Sorry, love?

There were 20 seconds at Christmas dinner

just after Luke said he was moving in with Maya,

where I thought, okay, maybe

it's finally time for me to be number one kid in the family.

Right. And then he said he was gonna be a dad.

And then I wasn't even number two kid again.

I was suddenly number three because of the baby.

I'm jealous of a baby. Not even a baby. An unborn baby.

[sighs]

So, what do you think of your new place, Granny?

Oh, wonderful.

I wish we'd moved to sheltered housing years ago.

There's all sorts going on.

Dance class, cookery class, art class, book club, yoga.

There's a hairdresser comes once a week--Holly.

Uh, chiropodist--Cliff.

Oh. I love it.

And what about you, Granddad?

I think it's the penultimate stop

on my journey to the grave.

Like Battersea Park Station

when you're on the train into Victoria,

only Victoria is death, and Battersea Park is

coughing up blood and getting jaundice.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Jim.

You've ruined that train journey for me.

Look. Look.

We've got some veggie cup-a-soups, Ava,

if you fancy one, mushroom and sweet corn.

Great, thank you.

I've started knitting some little baby clothes

for the great-grandchild.

-Booties, a cardigan. -That's nice.

Mind your Gran's jigsaw.

What is it?

-Fucking enormous. -Constable's Hay Wain.

[whooshing]

[sonographer] Everything's looking absolutely fine.

[Maya] Great.

[sonographer] The placenta's in exactly the right position.

Oh, brilliant. And it's just one baby?

-Just the one, yes. -[whispers] Oh, right.

Unless its twin is very good at hiding.

[laughter]

-One's enough for Luke. -Yeah.

[voice breaking] Just feels, like...

really real now, doesn't it, Luke?

Too real.

[machine continues whooshing]

No, not... not too real.

Like, real enough.

You know, really... real.

[whooshing continues]

-That's almost it. -Great. No hurry.

-Quick final check? -Yep.

Uh, your telly and PlayStation are still down there.

Yeah, I-I think I might just keep 'em here, actually.

Oh, right. You sure?

Yeah, there's not a lot of space in Maya's room, so...

Okay.

[sighs] Also, I-I think I'd just

quite like to get away sometimes and be a kid again, you know?

-Maybe here... -Mm-hmm.

...with Jacob? Have some Jacob time.

Oh. Okay.

H-How is, um...

weird Jacob taking all the baby news?

-Uh... [chuckles] obsessed. -[laughs]

He's, um, he's Googling recipes for Maya to combat constipation,

and he's got a fetal growth chart on his fridge.

-Christ, he's amazing. -Yeah.

And a fucking lunatic. [laughs] Hey.

-Hi! I haven't been crying. -Oh, good.

Oh, Lukey. I don't want you to go.

-Won't be far away. -No, I know.

And I'll--I'll pop in a lot.

Maya's family don't swear that often, so I'll have to...

-Oh. [laughs] -[laughs] Funny.

-See you soon. -Bye.

We'll see you on New Year's Eve?

Uh, no, I think we're gonna be spending it

at Maya's sister's, if that's okay.

No, sure, absolutely. See you at the scan, then.

Or the waiting room, whatever, depending. [chuckles]

Yeah. See you then.

Love you guys, and give my love to Ava as well.

-Will do. Love you. -All right. Love you, mate.

Cheers, Steve.

[sighs]

I think Maya should have a termination.

Hmm.

-Hang on, what? -[door opens]

No. What was that?

You said the same a couple of days ago,

Yeah, but then you said the opposite.

Luke is gonna ruin his life, Paul.

He's gonna throw away his future and his 20s and everything

-that's out there for him. -What about the whole

alpha grandparents thing you were talking about?

Fuck being grandparents! We need to be parents!

We need to step up and stop him from throwing everything away.

[inhales sharply] You really mean it, though, hon?

-The "A" word. -Not really.

-Abortion. -No, I know what you meant.

-Sorry. -No, not really, no, no.

I just... Oh. Maya wants this baby.

-Right. -Luke wants this baby, but...

this is just about the hardest bit of parenting

that we've ever had to do, and I'm--I am fucked

if I know how we can manage it.

Okay, me and you need to get in sync, okay?

Me and you need to get off the back foot,

get ourselves fired up, and in the fucking room for that scan.

-You're right. -New year, new us.

[swing jazz music playing]

Oh, I think I nodded off there for a minute. [yawns]

I'd fallen asleep, so I didn't notice you nodding off.

-[yawns] Mm. -Well...

three minutes to the Big Ben bongs.

Shall I put BBC One on for the bongs?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. [sighs] I'll go--I'll go get Ava.

Okay.

-[chuckles] -Fuck it. I'll text her.

[sighs]

Oh, do you need topping up, babe?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Can't reach.

[chuckles] Help.

Hi, love.

Hey, do you wanna enjoy some champagne?

No, thanks.

-What have you been up to? -Revising.

There's a history module that I'm sort of struggling with,

and anyway, boring, but I need to work on it.

-Can we help? -It's fine.

-Hmm. -We know it's been tough

for you, you know, with the baby and the focus on Luke.

-It's fine. -Ah. It's not, though.

It's a big thing for Luke. You need to concentrate on him.

I haven't got any big things going on.

Well, you--you have, just not as dramatic as Luke.

-Luke has always been dramatic. -Yeah.

Nearly dying, punching me in the face.

He's always been a bit... primary colors.

Is it all right if... I don't really care about this baby?

[people on TV counting down]

Y-Yes, of--of course that is allowed.

[people on TV cheering]

-Oh. -Oh.

-Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.

-Hey. -[glasses clink]

[cheering continues, fireworks popping on TV]

[cellphone chimes]

[Big Ben tolling]

[fireworks and cheering continue]

I might have that glass of champagne, actually.

Yeah, of course. Coming up.

[birds chirping]

So, have we gone past it?

It definitely said radiology this way,

but the signs have run out.

Right, so hang--hang on, hang on.

Is X-Ray Department the same as Radiology Department?

-Oh, shit, we're gonna be late. -That's fucking mad!

Isn't it? Having--Having two-- two names for the...

Babe! Hon?

-Is it cold? -The gel?

Only at first, but you'll be tense,

so you'll probably jump a little bit, which means, Luke,

you'll probably jump a little bit, too.

[laughs] Yeah, probably.

Seeing inside a human body, though,

that's--that's pretty cool.

Wait till your first colonoscopy. Luke.

-[laughter] -[Ally] Oh.

Hi. So sorry we're late. Rubbish signs.

Yeah, we--we went down every corridor twice,

like some NHS Pac-Man. Anyway, I'm sorry. I'm Paul.

Ah. Great to meet you, Paul. I'm Sunil.

-This is my wife Meena. -Oh.

-Meena, I'm Ally. -[Sunil] Hi, Ally.

-How you doing, love? -Uh, a little bit nervous.

Understandable. I'm a bit nervous, too. [laughs]

[sighs] How are you, sport?

Um... I'm a little bit nervous as well, if I'm honest.

-I'm perfectly calm. -[laughter]

No, he's not. He was up at 5:00 this morning cleaning the oven.

Oh. [chuckles]

-Uh, happy New Year, by the way. -[Sunil] Yes!

Happy New Year. Did you do anything special?

Uh, no, just, uh, fell asleep in front of the telly, right?

Then--then the bongs and...

[chuckles] The BBC bongs?

-Always. The official bongs. -[laughter]

Never trust Jools Holland's bongs.

-They're pre-recorded. -[laughter]

-True. -[Paul] Yeah.

We all had, uh, dinner at my sister's.

She's got a three-year-old.

-Ah, lovely. -Oh, that's a lovely age.

I mean, to be. It's an absolute bastard for a parent.

-[laughter] -Yeah, and, uh,

Maya didn't sleep through the night till she was, what,

-four years old? -[Ally] Oh.

-[Sunil] Yeah. -It almost killed us.

-We almost murdered her. -Yeah.

-[laughter] -[sonographer] Maya?

Hi.

We'll be ready for you in five minutes.

-Oh, great. -And are you the dad?

Y-Yeah, I'm the dad, yeah.

We can only have two of you in the scanning room, I'm afraid.

[whooshing]

[Maya, voice breaking] It's just, um...

It just feels really real now, doesn't it, Luke?

[Luke] Yeah. Too real.

No, not--not--not too real, obviously.

Just real enough, you know? Really real.

Oh, it's the best thing I've seen on telly in months.

[laughter]

-Can you see okay there? -Yeah. [chuckles]

-It's amazing, isn't it? -Really amazing.

Babies really live up to the hype, don't they?

-They're 18. -I know!

-It's mad. -It's terrifying, Paul.

I-I mean, we have to support them, of course.

-Mm-hmm. -Well, of course, yeah.

-But also... -Exactly.

...it could be a disaster. In fact, my first reaction was,

-this is a disaster. -Mm-hmm.

But Meena managed to row me back to this couldbe a disaster.

But they're 18.

I've got whiskey older than that and some T-shirts.

-[chuckles] -It's so nice to know

you're as freaked out as we are.

Oh, I'm as freaked out as I've ever been, Ally,

and I've been freaked out a lot.

-Ah. -Oh, hey!

-Hey, hey. -Hi.

-Hey. How was it, Maya? -[sighs] Amazing.

-Super amazing. -It really was.

-[Sunil] Did your mother cry? -Of course she did.

She used to cry at Bob the Builder.

-It was the camaraderie. -Sure.

-[laughter] -Oh, while I remember,

Granny Jackie asked me to give you these.

She's knitted something for the baby.

They're huge.

I'm sure the baby will grow into them.

Yeah, and if not, I can always wear them

-when I'm doing the gardening. -[laughter]

-I'm really glad I saw the baby. -Mm.

-I think I'll be a good auntie. -Oof.

I think you'll be an excellent auntie.

So, have you two come to terms with Luke being a dad?

-Fuck, no. -Never.