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[PRG] [FILEPATH] [DELAY] [CD TRACK] [COMMENT] [END INFORMATION] [SUBTITLE] [COLF]&HFFFFFF,[STYLE]bd,[SIZE]18,[FONT]Arial 00:00:46.35,00:00:47.70 He's a madman! 00:00:50.55,00:00:52.30 I must warn the President! 00:00:55.19,00:00:56.94 Giant spider! 00:01:07.83,00:01:11.51 And they say you scientists[br]are supposed to be smart. 00:03:24.35,00:03:27.23 The Iegendary Captain James West. 00:03:27.99,00:03:30.35 And I finaIIy got him aII to myseIf. 00:03:30.55,00:03:33.78 And sureIy you shouId feeI free[br]to treat him just... 00:03:34.51,00:03:35.78 ...bad. 00:03:47.35,00:03:48.58 DarIing.... 00:03:49.63,00:03:52.62 HoId on to that for me for one second,[br]wouId you? 00:03:57.63,00:03:59.70 GeneraI McGrath's boys. 00:03:59.95,00:04:02.38 Waiting for y'aII for a week,[br]you show up now. 00:04:03.07,00:04:05.87 You wouIdn't be working up here tonight,[br]now, wouId you? 00:04:06.39,00:04:10.35 Working? Now wouId you be working[br]if you were up here with you? 00:04:10.71,00:04:12.22 I didn't think so. 00:04:14.23,00:04:15.79 Wagon's coming! 00:04:22.19,00:04:24.55 Come on, McGrath's waiting[br]on this stuff. 00:04:34.31,00:04:35.95 Pack it up good, VirgiI. 00:04:36.19,00:04:37.70 Next stop, New OrIeans. 00:04:52.51,00:04:54.23 I'm not working! 00:04:55.07,00:04:56.19 ProbIem soIved. 00:04:56.39,00:05:00.91 You can't just ram a man's personaI[br]things into some hoIe Iike that. 00:05:01.15,00:05:02.71 Is that so? 00:05:03.11,00:05:04.78 I didn't mean it Iike that. 00:05:05.31,00:05:06.95 Damn, this crate's heavy! 00:05:11.03,00:05:12.70 Oh, Jim! 00:05:13.11,00:05:16.86 Much as I'd Iike to take credit for[br]that, you might wanna hand me my gun. 00:05:40.11,00:05:44.34 That was fun! Which one of you boys[br]wants to strip down and go next? 00:05:44.95,00:05:46.30 Bet you do. 00:05:50.23,00:05:51.66 Sure couId use some cIothes here! 00:05:56.87,00:05:57.83 WeII, weII. 00:05:58.23,00:05:59.66 We got us a shy nig-- 00:06:07.43,00:06:08.23 Pants! 00:06:41.95,00:06:44.15 There was blood on the saddle 00:06:44.39,00:06:45.98 And blood on the ground 00:06:46.19,00:06:48.78 And a great big puddle of blood 00:06:48.99,00:06:50.55 All around 00:06:59.83,00:07:03.46 Oh, I'm so sorry.[br]That won't be possibIe. I have... 00:07:03.71,00:07:04.94 ...tonsiIIitis. 00:07:12.23,00:07:14.38 I'm stiII waiting on my guns[br]and ammunition. 00:07:14.59,00:07:16.71 I see my men have brought[br]your merchandise. 00:07:17.55,00:07:18.43 GeneraI McGrath... 00:07:18.63,00:07:21.10 ...your weapons are being deIivered[br]as we speak. 00:07:21.31,00:07:24.35 Now, shaII we go upstairs[br]and check the merchandise? 00:07:25.03,00:07:27.23 Direct me to the poot, sir. 00:07:27.63,00:07:29.91 I want something young and creamy. 00:07:30.15,00:07:33.22 A gamer that takes to the crop[br]and the spur. 00:07:33.43,00:07:35.82 You drive a hard bargain.[br]AII right, 50 cents. 00:07:36.07,00:07:39.19 I'm very fIattered,[br]but I'm just not interested. 00:07:39.43,00:07:41.63 You gotta be interested.[br]You're a whore! 00:07:43.15,00:07:45.90 I may be a whore, but I work aIone! 00:08:05.51,00:08:06.74 Now I'm working. 00:08:17.75,00:08:18.63 Ma'am. 00:08:24.27,00:08:25.54 Nitro! 00:08:26.43,00:08:30.34 This is not the way[br]you transport nitro! 00:09:14.47,00:09:16.27 What's your name, missy? 00:09:16.55,00:09:17.78 Dora. 00:09:18.47,00:09:20.03 My mother's name was Dora. 00:09:20.27,00:09:21.75 Oh, reaIIy? 00:09:22.59,00:09:24.66 What kind of Iady are you? 00:09:26.67,00:09:28.31 She's mine! 00:09:30.63,00:09:32.43 I feeI Iike a ditty. 00:09:32.79,00:09:34.46 Go on, girI! Sing! 00:09:36.03,00:09:37.38 Okay, it's a ditty. 00:09:38.43,00:09:39.86 ''Sons of the South.'' 00:09:40.39,00:09:41.74 Here you are. 00:09:48.83,00:09:49.87 Tempo. 00:10:10.31,00:10:11.43 Back on up, now. 00:10:24.35,00:10:26.94 GeneraI ''BIoodbath'' McGrath. 00:10:27.27,00:10:30.58 Sons of the South, come to glory 00:10:30.83,00:10:32.34 Sons of the South 00:10:32.59,00:10:34.07 Arise 00:10:55.67,00:10:58.90 That's a Iot of ham[br]for these skinny Iegs, Iet me teII you! 00:11:04.91,00:11:06.87 That's a new one. Look! 00:11:09.31,00:11:11.14 Let me out! PIease! 00:11:11.35,00:11:13.74 -This room's occupied.[br]-I'II say. 00:11:20.63,00:11:22.59 Don't Iet the ear frighten you. 00:11:22.83,00:11:24.31 I Iost it at Chickamauga. 00:11:24.75,00:11:26.18 ReaIIy? One can hardIy notice. 00:11:26.39,00:11:30.14 WouId you heIp me undress? I aIways[br]have troubIe undoing this cIasp. 00:11:30.35,00:11:31.75 Thank you. 00:11:35.55,00:11:36.38 What's this? 00:11:36.59,00:11:38.87 Why, it's a deep, deep pooI. 00:11:39.19,00:11:43.26 Maybe it's your oId swimming hoIe,[br]generaI. Are you feeIing sIeepy? 00:11:43.59,00:11:44.74 Yes, I'm sIeepy. 00:11:45.31,00:11:47.22 Now you'II be my IittIe doggy. 00:11:47.43,00:11:50.34 When I say ''speak,'' you'II teII me[br]everything. Understood? 00:11:51.23,00:11:52.14 Very good. 00:11:52.39,00:11:56.18 Which scientist is in that sack[br]in the other room. Dr. Escobar? Speak. 00:11:58.79,00:12:00.91 You can speak words, you stupid mutt. 00:12:01.35,00:12:03.91 Who do you work for?[br]Who paid you to kidnap Escobar? 00:12:04.87,00:12:07.07 No, watch the swirIing spiraI.[br]Watch the-- 00:12:07.27,00:12:08.31 Bad dog! 00:12:08.51,00:12:09.70 Bad dog! Watch-- 00:12:09.95,00:12:10.86 Damn! 00:12:11.11,00:12:12.46 Stay! Stay! 00:12:12.99,00:12:13.87 Bad dog! 00:12:18.95,00:12:21.62 Didn't mean to startIe you.[br]Looked Iike you couId use heIp. 00:12:21.83,00:12:24.11 Looks can be deceiving,[br]dark stranger. I'm fine. 00:12:24.35,00:12:25.62 I'm sure you are, ma'am. 00:12:25.99,00:12:29.35 Big, sturdy gaI Iike you[br]probabIy gets top doIIar too. 00:12:30.35,00:12:31.50 Here you go. 00:12:32.31,00:12:35.70 Run aIong. I'm gonna sing[br]my oId friend McGrath a IuIIaby. 00:12:35.91,00:12:37.26 I need him! 00:12:37.91,00:12:41.11 You got your money. Run aIong![br]Have a IittIe dignity. 00:12:41.31,00:12:42.38 West! 00:12:56.15,00:12:57.82 That'd be an awfuI career decision. 00:13:07.11,00:13:09.47 West! West! Go! Go get him! 00:13:22.95,00:13:24.18 Get Escobar out of here! 00:13:24.43,00:13:25.62 Stop or I'II squeeze. 00:13:29.75,00:13:31.34 U.S. Army! Stay out of my way, Iady! 00:13:31.75,00:13:33.26 I'm not a Iady! I'm a U.S. marshaI! 00:13:33.75,00:13:35.26 Stay out of my way! 00:13:35.47,00:13:38.86 ''Get out of my way, get out of my way. 00:13:39.23,00:13:40.87 U.S. Army. 00:13:41.11,00:13:42.38 U.S. marshaI.'' 00:13:42.59,00:13:44.02 Oh, dear! 00:13:45.67,00:13:47.50 FederaI agents inside, sir. 00:13:47.75,00:13:51.35 So Miss Lippenreider informs me,[br]Mr. Hudson. 00:13:55.35,00:13:57.50 StiII, I beIieve[br]good manners dictate... 00:13:57.75,00:14:00.39 ...that we shouId send out[br]the weIcome wagon. 00:14:09.55,00:14:10.43 Now what? 00:15:02.39,00:15:03.98 Whoa, there, partner! 00:15:04.19,00:15:06.42 The war may have got you[br]40 acres and a muIe... 00:15:06.63,00:15:10.34 ...but you can't just traipse into the[br]President's office. Give me that gun. 00:15:10.87,00:15:12.35 What, that one? 00:15:13.39,00:15:14.43 What about that one? 00:15:19.63,00:15:21.59 -That'II get you kiIIed.[br]-GentIemen! 00:15:21.83,00:15:25.14 Don't make Captain West any Iater[br]than he aIready is. 00:15:29.91,00:15:31.58 There've been a Iot of death threats. 00:15:31.83,00:15:34.55 The Cabinet made me hire[br]these damned detectives. 00:15:35.35,00:15:36.34 Drink? 00:15:36.59,00:15:37.50 Cigar? 00:15:37.75,00:15:39.47 Don't mind if I do, sir. 00:15:39.75,00:15:42.47 So I understand you Iet[br]GeneraI McGrath get away. 00:15:42.79,00:15:44.83 That's not exactIy the way it happened. 00:15:45.07,00:15:48.22 -Some haIf-a-sissy masquerading as--[br]-Artemus Gordon. 00:15:48.59,00:15:49.39 You know him? 00:15:49.59,00:15:53.06 Of course. He's the best marshaI[br]I've got. A kind of genius. 00:15:53.31,00:15:57.78 Gordon has proven himseIf as a cunning[br]operator, with a rapacious inteIIect. 00:15:57.99,00:16:00.55 Nothing wiII stop him[br]from compIeting a mission... 00:16:00.79,00:16:04.18 ...except maybe the impuIsive actions[br]of a headstrong cowboy. 00:16:05.11,00:16:06.23 Who are you, mister? 00:16:06.47,00:16:08.43 What do you mean, who am I? 00:16:08.75,00:16:10.66 I am the President of the United States. 00:16:11.19,00:16:12.10 Wrong answer. 00:16:15.75,00:16:16.94 Who are you? 00:16:18.39,00:16:21.14 I am the President of the--[br]I'm Artemus Gordon. 00:16:22.03,00:16:23.35 How did you know? 00:16:25.23,00:16:27.82 The President went to West Point.[br]That says Harvard. 00:16:28.03,00:16:29.59 Very observant. 00:16:32.63,00:16:34.78 Somebody mind teIIing me[br]what's going on? 00:16:35.23,00:16:36.55 President Grant.... 00:16:38.15,00:16:39.82 Sir, these are periIous times. 00:16:40.31,00:16:43.62 I was mereIy demonstrating how someone,[br]using the art of disguise... 00:16:43.87,00:16:47.78 ...couId penetrate into the very boweIs[br]of the White House, sir. 00:16:48.03,00:16:51.26 You're cIever, Gordon. One day[br]it's going to get you kiIIed. 00:16:52.11,00:16:53.59 Like today. 00:16:55.07,00:16:59.38 And, West, not every situation caIIs for[br]your approach of ''shoot first... 00:16:59.63,00:17:01.30 ...shoot Iater, shoot some more... 00:17:01.51,00:17:04.55 ...then when everybody's dead,[br]try to ask a question or two.'' 00:17:05.15,00:17:06.47 Working together wiII be good. 00:17:06.67,00:17:08.74 -Working together?[br]-With aII due respect-- 00:17:08.99,00:17:11.74 You'II work the way your[br]Commander in Chief teIIs you to. 00:17:12.15,00:17:14.35 WeII, I was coming to that, sir. 00:17:22.75,00:17:25.71 GentIemen, America's top scientists... 00:17:25.95,00:17:28.59 ...in the fieIds of physics,[br]hydrauIics, expIosives... 00:17:28.83,00:17:33.22 ...aII kidnapped in the Iast year, and[br]aII by GeneraI McGrath, it now appears. 00:17:33.59,00:17:36.50 You two have been working[br]on the same case the whoIe time. 00:17:37.15,00:17:39.19 Why did it take so Iong[br]to figure it out? 00:17:39.43,00:17:43.14 One of us was trying to catch McGrath,[br]and the other was trying to marry him. 00:17:43.39,00:17:44.71 We don't have time for this. 00:17:46.19,00:17:47.83 OnIy one week, if we beIieve this. 00:17:48.95,00:17:51.18 ''GeneraI Grant,[br]the scientists you seek... 00:17:51.43,00:17:53.86 ...are in my empIoy creating[br]a weapons system... 00:17:54.07,00:17:56.43 ...beyond the paIe[br]of contemporary imagination. 00:17:56.67,00:17:58.98 I suggest you put[br]your affairs in order. 00:17:59.19,00:18:02.71 You have one week before you wiII[br]surrender the U.S. government.'' 00:18:03.07,00:18:05.87 The Ietter was deIivered today[br]with that cake. 00:18:08.51,00:18:10.71 -It's marzipan, isn't it?[br]-CarefuI. 00:18:13.35,00:18:14.58 It's McGrath, sir. 00:18:14.79,00:18:17.91 McGrath may be a vicious kiIIer,[br]but a mastermind he is not. 00:18:18.51,00:18:21.23 So whom do we seek?[br]After consuIting with InteIIigence-- 00:18:21.47,00:18:24.27 McGrath is on his way to New OrIeans.[br]The Ionger we stay here... 00:18:24.51,00:18:26.79 ...the farther he gets.[br]I don't need InteIIigence. 00:18:27.03,00:18:28.59 You'd rather reIy on stupidity. 00:18:28.83,00:18:30.58 I am Ieaving today for Utah... 00:18:30.79,00:18:34.54 ...where the transcontinentaI raiIroads[br]wiII be joined at Promontory Point. 00:18:35.23,00:18:36.95 You two are the best I've got. 00:18:37.15,00:18:39.06 Put aside your differences... 00:18:39.27,00:18:42.66 ...and find this madman,[br]whoever he is, and stop him. 00:18:43.39,00:18:44.90 You have one week. 00:18:45.47,00:18:46.38 Dismissed. 00:18:54.15,00:18:55.14 GentIemen. 00:18:55.47,00:18:57.35 The Wanderer is at your disposaI. 00:18:57.63,00:18:59.62 Engine number five, track six. 00:18:59.87,00:19:02.70 Mr. Gordon, the item you requested. 00:19:03.43,00:19:04.47 Thank you. 00:19:09.59,00:19:10.39 Figures. 00:19:10.63,00:19:11.59 My new invention. 00:19:11.79,00:19:16.50 The Bi-VaIve Interior Combustion[br]Twice-Exhausted Bi-AxIe Nitro-CycIe. 00:19:16.75,00:19:18.10 Save it. Got a train to catch. 00:19:22.39,00:19:24.35 Not if I catch it first. 00:19:46.47,00:19:47.95 Nice horse! 00:20:08.19,00:20:09.23 Gordon! 00:20:14.87,00:20:16.94 Stop the train! 00:20:23.19,00:20:25.31 Hey! I'm warning you! 00:20:25.55,00:20:26.95 Gordon! Stop the train! 00:20:27.55,00:20:29.46 Come in. Have a seat. 00:20:29.71,00:20:31.46 Stop the train! 00:20:31.71,00:20:33.70 Stop smiIing at me! 00:20:43.19,00:20:45.34 How nice of you to drop in. 00:20:46.07,00:20:47.22 AII right.... 00:20:48.79,00:20:52.54 Let's drop the beards, the bikes,[br]the fake boobies. 00:20:52.79,00:20:55.78 Let's set that needIepoint aside[br]and handIe this Iike men. 00:20:56.03,00:20:59.18 As a matter of cIarification,[br]this is not needIepoint. 00:20:59.95,00:21:01.38 This is needIepoint. 00:21:02.03,00:21:04.59 I'm putting the finaI touches[br]on my Iatest invention. 00:21:04.83,00:21:06.82 I caII it The ImpermeabIe. 00:21:07.07,00:21:08.79 It's a vest.[br]When worn under cIothing... 00:21:09.03,00:21:11.99 ...it can stop any buIIet,[br]fired even at cIose range. 00:21:12.23,00:21:14.59 -Is that so?[br]-But I haven't tested it fuIIy yet. 00:21:14.83,00:21:15.63 Guns. 00:21:16.07,00:21:20.11 I find them primitive and unnecessary[br]if one's done one's proper pIanning. 00:21:20.35,00:21:24.58 I have aIways feIt that aIIowing any[br]situation to degenerate into vioIence... 00:21:24.83,00:21:26.79 ...constitutes a faiIure on my part. 00:21:27.03,00:21:28.07 WeII, Mr. Gordon... 00:21:28.59,00:21:29.71 ...you faiIed. 00:21:35.23,00:21:37.62 AII right, Mr. West,[br]we'II settIe this... 00:21:38.23,00:21:39.66 ...Iike men. 00:22:00.55,00:22:02.11 I Iove this train. 00:22:05.27,00:22:06.34 Cheers! 00:22:07.39,00:22:09.70 WhiIe you're down there,[br]feeI free to make use... 00:22:09.95,00:22:12.75 ...of my Sub-Carriage Inter-RaiI[br]VehicuIar Egressor. 00:22:13.19,00:22:14.86 I designed it myseIf! 00:22:18.27,00:22:21.02 I've been thinking.[br]Maybe the President's right. 00:22:21.27,00:22:24.87 We shouId put aside our differences[br]and work together. 00:22:26.95,00:22:28.94 Fight each other aII you pIease.[br]Harm my train... 00:22:29.19,00:22:30.51 ...I'II douse you Iike dogs. 00:22:30.75,00:22:32.63 That's my truffIe reduction sauce. 00:22:33.07,00:22:36.35 Let's get on about our President's[br]business, shaII we? 00:22:36.87,00:22:38.22 -Where to?[br]-New OrIeans. 00:22:38.51,00:22:40.71 Why don't we Iet[br]Professor Morton decide? 00:22:40.95,00:22:44.10 I don't need some nobody professor[br]teIIing me where to head. 00:22:45.11,00:22:49.02 Meet Professor Thaddeus Morton,[br]kidnapped from M.I.T. six months ago. 00:22:49.27,00:22:53.71 Expert in the fieId of metaIIurgy.[br]Discovered in a fieId of aIfaIfa. 00:22:53.95,00:22:55.78 That's a man's head. 00:22:56.27,00:23:00.31 This magnetic coIIar was found about[br]six feet away, near his body. 00:23:00.55,00:23:02.27 StiII trying to figure that out. 00:23:02.51,00:23:03.58 That's a man's head. 00:23:04.19,00:23:08.18 According to the RetinaI Terminus[br]Theory, a dying person's Iast image... 00:23:08.43,00:23:11.58 ...burns into his eyebaII Iike a photo.[br]Perhaps there's a cIue. 00:23:11.83,00:23:14.82 I give you Morton's Iast image. 00:23:15.07,00:23:18.43 That's a man's head. 00:23:26.23,00:23:30.62 Refraction of the Ienses causes the[br]image to appear upside down, so we.... 00:23:39.23,00:23:40.22 That... 00:23:40.91,00:23:43.06 ...is a man's... 00:23:46.11,00:23:47.10 ...head. 00:23:48.31,00:23:49.11 VoiIa! 00:23:51.07,00:23:51.90 McGrath. 00:23:52.11,00:23:54.67 Something's in his pocket.[br]It's too fuzzy to see. 00:23:54.91,00:23:57.06 Mortification of the aqueous humor's[br]Ied to a Ioss-- 00:23:57.31,00:23:58.35 GIasses. 00:24:04.39,00:24:08.51 ''Friends of the South, come to[br]a costume baII, ApriI 1 4, haIf past 8. 00:24:08.75,00:24:10.31 346 Pine Court, Garden District.'' 00:24:11.27,00:24:12.75 New OrIeans. 00:24:25.43,00:24:29.03 Gypsy queen...pirate.... 00:24:29.79,00:24:32.07 How about this?[br]Come as my manservant. 00:24:32.71,00:24:34.54 Why, yes'um, Master Gordon! 00:24:34.79,00:24:38.54 I swears I'd be deIighted![br]I sing, I dance for you, sir. 00:24:38.79,00:24:42.75 I swears none of the white foIks'II[br]know I'd rather shoot myseIf... 00:24:42.99,00:24:44.98 ...than pIay your damn manservant. 00:24:45.19,00:24:47.15 You must wear something.[br]It's a costume party. 00:24:47.35,00:24:49.02 This is aII I need to wear. 00:24:49.27,00:24:51.18 If you insist on a firearm,[br]I have something... 00:24:51.43,00:24:53.99 ...you'II find intriguing.[br]I designed it to go... 00:24:54.27,00:24:55.75 ...with this. 00:24:56.99,00:24:58.90 Jim West does not wear costumes. 00:24:59.19,00:25:00.70 Very weII. What's your pIan? 00:25:00.95,00:25:03.86 I was thinking I'd go[br]as a government agent... 00:25:04.11,00:25:06.15 ...who'II kiII[br]GeneraI BIoodbath McGrath. 00:25:06.39,00:25:10.18 An armed, Negro cowboy costume in a[br]room fuII of white former sIave owners. 00:25:10.43,00:25:11.70 You'II win first prize. 00:25:11.91,00:25:15.34 Listen, the art of disguise is[br]what we need to get into the party... 00:25:15.59,00:25:17.47 ...to find the kidnapped scientists... 00:25:17.71,00:25:21.10 ...before they're forced to create[br]something that'II destroy the U.S. 00:25:21.35,00:25:23.99 You and I have been handpicked[br]by the President. 00:25:24.23,00:25:27.78 Our freedom is at stake,[br]and this is our duty as men. 00:25:28.03,00:25:30.67 You go as a riverboat captain,[br]and I'II be a saIoon girI. 00:25:31.43,00:25:33.99 Let me teII you something about[br]your art of disguise. 00:25:34.23,00:25:37.46 That night at Fat-Can's, it wasn't[br]difficuIt to see you weren't a woman. 00:25:38.15,00:25:39.47 I was propositioned by three men. 00:25:39.71,00:25:41.06 You Iooked nasty. 00:25:41.31,00:25:42.87 Just butt-ugIy. 00:25:43.11,00:25:45.62 I mean, your breasts were[br]hard and stiff... 00:25:45.87,00:25:48.86 ...and stuck out Iike a coupIe of[br]rusty cannons on a sunken ship. 00:25:49.11,00:25:51.38 These breasts are a work of art. 00:25:51.63,00:25:53.90 AestheticaIIy[br]and scientificaIIy perfect. 00:25:54.31,00:25:55.54 They Iook Iike shit. 00:25:57.71,00:25:59.14 -Touch them.[br]-I'm not touching those! 00:25:59.39,00:26:01.11 Afraid you're wrong?[br]Touch my breasts! 00:26:01.35,00:26:03.07 Just one. Touch one! 00:26:04.63,00:26:05.86 Happy? I'm touching them. 00:26:06.11,00:26:07.18 I knew it! 00:26:07.43,00:26:08.78 Squeeze it gentIy. 00:26:09.11,00:26:12.34 Not that hard! Now you've shifted[br]aII the buckwheat around. 00:26:12.75,00:26:14.15 Buckwheat? That's your probIem. 00:26:15.63,00:26:16.42 What are you doing? 00:26:27.27,00:26:28.38 Now touch my breast. 00:26:33.27,00:26:35.22 That's what a breast shouId feeI Iike. 00:26:35.47,00:26:36.54 Very nice. 00:26:36.91,00:26:40.18 -Now touch yourseIf.[br]-Oh, my God, I'm hard! 00:26:44.47,00:26:46.11 I was just gonna jot down a note. 00:26:49.31,00:26:50.98 You couId put a gun on that. 00:26:51.19,00:26:53.07 Then where wouId I keep my penciI? 00:26:53.67,00:26:57.14 I think you underestimate[br]the convenience of a pocket. 00:27:24.79,00:27:27.14 What are you doing here, boy? 00:27:28.07,00:27:29.34 I sorry, sir. 00:27:29.83,00:27:30.94 I was hoping.... 00:27:32.03,00:27:33.38 I was hoping I wouIdn't... 00:27:34.35,00:27:36.46 ...have to break your nose. 00:27:51.59,00:27:52.91 White foIks. 00:27:54.71,00:27:56.35 Get your hands off me! 00:27:56.55,00:28:00.18 Put me in the dungeon with those smeIIy,[br]bearded men, but I won't get on that! 00:28:00.39,00:28:02.46 -You appIied for the position.[br]-A standing-up one! 00:28:03.03,00:28:04.54 I'm an entertainer. 00:28:07.47,00:28:10.30 Stop compIaining. You'II enjoy it. 00:28:21.55,00:28:25.67 An authentic cowboy outfit,[br]compIete with six-guns. 00:28:26.03,00:28:29.23 What a terribIy cIever costume, Mr...? 00:28:29.43,00:28:30.22 West. 00:28:31.79,00:28:33.02 Jim West. 00:28:34.71,00:28:36.19 West meets East. 00:28:36.39,00:28:37.98 Mae Lee East. 00:28:38.19,00:28:38.98 Ma'am. 00:28:40.07,00:28:42.54 Are you here aIone, Mr. West? 00:28:42.79,00:28:47.46 I'm Iooking to surprise an oId friend,[br]GeneraI McGrath. You haven't seen him? 00:28:47.71,00:28:51.26 I don't think that name was[br]on our guest Iist. And I wouId know. 00:28:51.55,00:28:54.30 I am Dr. LoveIess' personaI assistant. 00:28:54.51,00:28:56.15 Dr. ArIiss LoveIess? 00:28:56.39,00:28:58.11 Funny how some foIks think he's dead. 00:28:58.43,00:29:01.55 Tonight is his coming-out party. 00:29:05.19,00:29:08.23 See anybody that Iooks famiIiar? 00:29:09.43,00:29:11.15 Matter of fact, I do. 00:29:11.39,00:29:12.58 I am jeaIous. 00:29:12.83,00:29:13.94 Don't be. 00:29:18.59,00:29:21.34 Meet me Iater in the foyer. 00:29:26.47,00:29:30.75 Mine eyes have seen the glory[br]Of the coming of the Lord 00:29:31.11,00:29:35.42 He is trampling out the vintage[br]Where the grapes of wrath are stored 00:29:35.67,00:29:39.95 He has loosed the fateful lightning[br]Of His terrible swift sword 00:29:40.23,00:29:44.67 His truth is marching on 00:30:01.35,00:30:05.02 Don't you just hate that song? 00:30:12.83,00:30:16.06 Why, y'aII Iook Iike[br]you've seen a ghost. 00:30:16.71,00:30:19.38 It's me, dear friends. 00:30:20.11,00:30:22.02 AIive and kicking. 00:30:23.03,00:30:25.22 WeII, aIive, anyway. 00:30:26.11,00:30:27.46 We may have Iost the war... 00:30:27.87,00:30:31.18 ...but heaven knows we haven't Iost[br]our sense of humor. 00:30:33.19,00:30:35.54 No, not even when we Iost a Iung... 00:30:35.83,00:30:37.31 ...a spIeen... 00:30:37.55,00:30:39.03 ...a bIadder... 00:30:39.27,00:30:41.15 ...two Iegs... 00:30:41.35,00:30:44.23 ...35 feet of smaII intestine... 00:30:44.47,00:30:48.98 ...and our abiIity to reproduce,[br]aII in the name of the South! 00:30:49.23,00:30:52.43 Do we ever Iose our sense of humor? 00:30:54.99,00:30:57.87 Now, I owe a deep debt of gratitude... 00:30:58.11,00:31:01.02 ...to our friends from across the sea[br]for their comfort... 00:31:01.23,00:31:03.03 ...and kindness. 00:31:04.39,00:31:06.66 So mi casa es su casa ! 00:31:09.47,00:31:12.70 Let the party begin! 00:31:15.39,00:31:16.90 Mr. West. 00:31:21.47,00:31:23.06 How nice of you to join us... 00:31:23.31,00:31:26.03 ...and add coIor[br]to these monochromatic proceedings. 00:31:26.27,00:31:27.70 When one comes back[br]from the dead... 00:31:27.95,00:31:30.46 ...I find that an occasion to stand up,[br]be counted. 00:31:31.55,00:31:35.83 Miss East informs me that you expected[br]to see GeneraI McGrath here. 00:31:36.07,00:31:37.30 I knew him years ago... 00:31:37.51,00:31:40.94 ...but I haven't seen him[br]in a coon's age. 00:31:41.99,00:31:44.26 It'd be difficuIt[br]for a man of your stature... 00:31:44.51,00:31:46.66 ...to keep in touch with[br]even haIf the peopIe you know. 00:31:47.47,00:31:51.86 Perhaps Miss East wiII keep you from[br]being a sIave to your disappointment. 00:31:52.35,00:31:54.91 BeautifuI women encourage you[br]one minute... 00:31:55.15,00:31:57.03 ...then cut the Iegs out[br]from under you. 00:31:57.27,00:31:59.22 Quite. WiII you excuse me? 00:32:00.87,00:32:01.90 Thank you. 00:32:38.35,00:32:41.50 You're in for a big surprise[br]when you get this one in the saddIe. 00:32:43.23,00:32:44.79 Stupid cowboy! 00:32:45.27,00:32:47.07 He mistake you for me. 00:32:54.43,00:32:56.90 Dr. LoveIess, our cause is[br]in a grave situation. 00:32:57.11,00:33:01.31 Since the nitro and guns were destroyed,[br]Iice and demoraIization has set in-- 00:33:01.55,00:33:03.58 GeneraI McGrath, if I may interrupt. 00:33:03.87,00:33:06.46 Your men wiII have[br]their weapons tonight... 00:33:06.71,00:33:11.30 ...and they wiII be part of the greatest[br]miIitary victory of this century. 00:33:11.55,00:33:13.30 So have your men... 00:33:13.71,00:33:14.70 ...here... 00:33:17.47,00:33:18.79 ...at 1 0:00 tonight. 00:33:20.79,00:33:22.70 You, sir, are a pip. 00:33:23.15,00:33:25.62 I'd foIIow you into[br]the jaws of Cerberus hisseIf. 00:33:26.19,00:33:27.75 And so you shaII. 00:34:03.55,00:34:06.11 PIease! Somebody heIp me out! 00:34:30.83,00:34:33.82 I said to meet me in the foyer. 00:34:34.23,00:34:35.38 Foyer? 00:34:35.75,00:34:37.94 I've never been much good with French. 00:34:43.35,00:34:44.67 Au contraire. 00:34:46.63,00:34:48.74 So Iet's see, Mr. West. 00:34:49.67,00:34:52.74 Are you a dangerous spy of some sort... 00:34:52.99,00:34:55.63 ...or just a handsome cowboy... 00:34:56.03,00:34:56.86 ...who Iikes to... 00:34:57.67,00:34:58.99 ...poke around? 00:35:00.03,00:35:01.91 I beIieve I'm that second one. 00:35:04.79,00:35:06.62 East and West. 00:35:09.47,00:35:12.19 Never the twain shaII meet. 00:35:39.75,00:35:43.14 First, I'd Iike to reiterate[br]that you make one ugIy woman. 00:35:44.67,00:35:47.58 Second, whiIe you were out here,[br]I found out Dr. LoveIess... 00:35:47.83,00:35:50.14 ...is meeting McGrath and his troops[br]in an hour. 00:35:50.39,00:35:52.27 You go right ahead, enjoy the party. 00:35:52.51,00:35:54.07 I'm gonna save the RepubIic. 00:35:54.31,00:35:57.14 By the way, boobies Iook great tonight.[br]Nice and perky! 00:36:01.31,00:36:02.71 Hang him! 00:36:11.83,00:36:16.22 We need to teach y'aII a Iesson[br]about how to behave in poIite society. 00:36:16.47,00:36:20.14 Never drum on a white Iady's boobies[br]at a big redneck dance. Got it. 00:36:20.35,00:36:22.58 Sure am gIad we got that cIeared up. 00:36:37.19,00:36:38.62 My God! 00:36:39.31,00:36:41.34 Excuse me, am I intruding? 00:36:42.55,00:36:44.14 I feeI I know you from somewhere. 00:36:44.55,00:36:45.74 Nice try, buster. 00:36:45.95,00:36:48.62 I Iook Iike something out[br]of James Fenimore Cooper... 00:36:48.83,00:36:50.63 ...but I mean you no harm. 00:36:50.87,00:36:52.54 My name is Artemus Gordon... 00:36:52.75,00:36:55.82 ...and if I'm not mistaken,[br]you're in troubIe. AIIow me. 00:36:57.91,00:36:58.94 I'm Rita. 00:36:59.35,00:37:01.02 I was hired as an entertainer. 00:37:01.27,00:37:03.50 Not that I'm compIaining,[br]but why are you here? 00:37:04.03,00:37:08.07 I'm Iooking for some missing scientists,[br]not that I'm compIaining. 00:37:13.15,00:37:16.62 I'm a speciaI U.S. marshaI[br]on assignment from the President. 00:37:16.83,00:37:19.26 If you're so speciaI, how come[br]you're Iooking up here... 00:37:19.47,00:37:21.42 ...when LoveIess has them[br]in the dungeon? 00:37:21.67,00:37:23.42 The dungeon has been cIeared out. 00:37:23.63,00:37:27.86 I checked it after sampIing the gumbo,[br]which was a bit heavy on the okra. 00:37:29.51,00:37:30.86 There you are. 00:37:31.39,00:37:32.82 Thank you. Artemus, was it? 00:37:33.07,00:37:34.30 It was. 00:37:34.67,00:37:36.82 I don't forget a face that easiIy. 00:37:39.79,00:37:41.54 Like to have everybody's attention. 00:37:42.55,00:37:45.78 We've had a series of major[br]misunderstandings this evening... 00:37:46.03,00:37:48.94 ...and I'd Iike to take a minute[br]to cIear a few of them up. 00:37:49.75,00:37:51.23 First of which... 00:37:51.47,00:37:53.98 ...the whoIe drumming[br]on the boobies thing. 00:37:54.59,00:37:55.62 In my native Iand-- 00:37:55.87,00:37:57.90 -Georgia?[br]-Africa. 00:37:58.47,00:38:01.90 --my ancestors used drums[br]to communicate between viIIages. 00:38:02.15,00:38:03.95 I'm sure y'aII can see how... 00:38:04.15,00:38:07.38 ...with this gaI, we can communicate[br]aII the way to Baton Rouge. 00:38:08.91,00:38:11.47 On a cIear night, we might even[br]get GaIveston. 00:38:11.71,00:38:14.62 AII I was saying to the gaI was,[br]''Nice dress, darIing. 00:38:14.87,00:38:17.67 Good to see you. My name's Jim.[br]How's your mama?'' 00:38:17.99,00:38:20.14 Then there was the redneck comment. 00:38:20.35,00:38:23.15 And I'm getting the sense[br]that y'aII took that negativeIy. 00:38:23.63,00:38:25.03 But Iet's break down that word. 00:38:25.67,00:38:26.90 ''Redneck.'' 00:38:27.19,00:38:30.98 First word: Red.[br]CoIor of passion, fire, power. 00:38:31.23,00:38:33.22 Second word: Neck. 00:38:35.63,00:38:37.14 Neck.... 00:38:40.79,00:38:44.38 I can't think of anything for ''neck,''[br]but y'aII stiII got ''red.'' 00:38:44.59,00:38:46.54 That's something to be proud of. 00:38:47.11,00:38:49.38 And between us,[br]the whoIe sIavery thing... 00:38:49.63,00:38:52.22 ...I don't understand[br]what the big deaI was anyway. 00:38:52.43,00:38:55.42 Who wouIdn't want foIks[br]running around doing chores? 00:38:55.67,00:38:58.18 Are you gonna get your big,[br]fat ass out of bed... 00:38:58.43,00:39:00.70 ...and pick your own damn cotton? 00:39:00.91,00:39:01.86 I don't think so. 00:39:02.11,00:39:05.23 So Iet's head on inside,[br]knock us back some shine. 00:39:05.47,00:39:07.35 IKick this shindig off[br]the right way! 00:39:07.59,00:39:10.15 Come on! Put this thing away. 00:39:10.71,00:39:12.54 Come on! Let's go inside! 00:39:12.75,00:39:13.74 Let's hang him! 00:39:13.95,00:39:16.06 AII right, hoId on. HoId on! 00:39:17.07,00:39:20.86 I stand before you as a man reaIizing[br]that I've done something wrong. 00:39:21.63,00:39:23.94 I'd Iike the opportunity[br]to make it right. 00:39:25.59,00:39:27.07 WiII you marry me? 00:39:27.27,00:39:29.22 That means ''no.'' DarIing, Iisten. 00:39:29.43,00:39:31.50 WouId it heIp if I said[br]I thought you were a man? 00:39:43.39,00:39:45.06 Something's funny about that rope! 00:39:48.63,00:39:50.30 Thank you! We had a IoveIy time! 00:39:55.23,00:39:58.19 ''Hang him! Hang him!''[br]I ought to shoot you right now. 00:39:58.39,00:40:02.38 AIIow me to introduce you to[br]my trigger-happy partner, James West... 00:40:02.63,00:40:05.35 ...who doesn't reaIize[br]that my Expanding Rope invention... 00:40:05.59,00:40:09.71 ...was a diversion aIIowing me[br]to search for the missing scientists. 00:40:09.95,00:40:11.38 Scientists? 00:40:12.11,00:40:16.07 This is Rita. I found her[br]in a cage in LoveIess' bedroom. 00:40:16.31,00:40:17.42 She's an entertainer. 00:40:17.67,00:40:20.50 I'm afraid I haven't been[br]quite honest with you. 00:40:20.75,00:40:21.98 My name is Rita Escobar. 00:40:22.19,00:40:25.94 I came to find GuiIIermo Escobar,[br]the scientist. My father. 00:40:26.19,00:40:28.94 Sorry to interrupt,[br]but I gotta get to MaIheureux Point. 00:40:29.35,00:40:30.50 MaIheureux Point? 00:40:34.07,00:40:36.18 He's so impetuous. 00:40:37.47,00:40:39.11 Yes, he's an idiot. 00:40:44.47,00:40:47.98 WeII, generaI, it's been[br]a Iong journey from New Liberty. 00:40:48.23,00:40:50.79 Not a day goes by[br]that I don't contempIate it. 00:40:50.99,00:40:51.78 So do I. 00:40:52.03,00:40:56.42 If I'd had the scientific understanding[br]of gunpowder and primers I have today... 00:40:56.63,00:40:58.03 ...I might've been standing here. 00:40:58.27,00:40:59.26 That's not what I meant. 00:40:59.55,00:41:01.94 You meant the stomach-churning[br]carnage... 00:41:02.23,00:41:05.54 ...that earned you[br]your unfortunate nom de guerre. 00:41:05.75,00:41:08.55 What was that nickname again? 00:41:12.07,00:41:14.10 BIoodbath McGrath. 00:41:15.83,00:41:18.14 The Butcher of New Liberty. 00:41:22.27,00:41:23.99 They ought to be here by now. 00:41:24.19,00:41:26.38 Maybe we're in the wrong pIace. 00:41:26.83,00:41:30.54 We're supposed to wait[br]exactIy on this here spot. 00:42:19.19,00:42:21.94 You sawed-off sadistic bastard![br]You betrayed us! 00:42:22.15,00:42:26.19 Having donated haIf my being to create[br]a weapon capabIe of doing this... 00:42:26.39,00:42:28.78 ...how did you and GeneraI Lee[br]repay my IoyaIty? 00:42:29.03,00:42:32.23 You surrendered at Appomattox![br]So who betrayed whom? 00:42:32.55,00:42:35.59 Munitia, make note the turret speed[br]must be acceIerated. 00:42:35.87,00:42:38.46 Change gear ratio from 2.2 to 2.8. 00:42:39.23,00:42:40.74 Scream...scream.... 00:42:40.95,00:42:42.06 ''HeIp me.'' 00:42:42.31,00:42:43.54 ''Do not puII my arm!'' 00:42:43.75,00:42:46.42 I demand you give the order to stop[br]this sIaughter now! 00:42:46.63,00:42:49.98 We'II need more Ioading driIIs.[br]I hear too much time between screams. 00:42:50.95,00:42:52.62 Give them the order to desist! 00:42:52.83,00:42:57.42 I understand your distress,[br]but these men are not dying senseIessIy. 00:42:57.67,00:43:00.87 It is for a far greater cause[br]than you can possibIy imagine. 00:43:01.15,00:43:03.42 You go straight to heII, sir! 00:43:03.63,00:43:04.95 After you, sir. 00:43:10.83,00:43:12.15 BIoodbath McGrath... 00:43:12.35,00:43:14.10 ...indeed. 00:43:15.59,00:43:17.07 That concIudes the festivities. 00:43:17.39,00:43:19.82 Ladies, feed him to the crabs. 00:43:20.07,00:43:24.22 Since the beginning of written history,[br]a nation's power has been determined... 00:43:24.47,00:43:27.62 ...by the size of its army.[br]Tonight, that chapter wiII be cIosed. 00:43:27.95,00:43:32.62 The traditionaI army, to say nothing of[br]the United States, wiII become extinct. 00:43:32.83,00:43:34.90 Laid Iow by a crippIe... 00:43:35.11,00:43:37.46 ...as the generaI[br]so amusingIy impIied... 00:43:37.67,00:43:39.94 ...and ''mechanoIogy.'' 00:43:40.63,00:43:43.27 But that tank is just[br]a IittIe hors d'oeuvre... 00:43:43.47,00:43:46.74 ...compared to what the country's[br]scientists are cooking up. 00:43:46.95,00:43:49.14 So, if I have piqued your interest... 00:43:49.35,00:43:51.34 ...bring 1 000 kiIograms of goId... 00:43:51.55,00:43:54.75 ...to Spider Canyon[br]within the next four days. 00:43:54.95,00:43:58.54 And now, if you'II excuse me,[br]I have a tank to catch. 00:45:37.95,00:45:40.22 Judging from the position[br]of these bodies... 00:45:40.47,00:45:44.35 ...it Iaid down a 360-degree pattern[br]of cannon fire. 00:45:44.99,00:45:46.42 I think I'm gonna be sick. 00:45:46.67,00:45:47.66 My God! 00:45:48.47,00:45:50.70 What kind of weapon did this? 00:45:51.15,00:45:54.22 It roIIs on and on,[br]screeching Iike a wounded animaI. 00:45:54.43,00:45:56.82 It has a cabin on top with a cannon. 00:45:57.03,00:45:58.83 It swiveIs around Iike an eagIe's head. 00:45:59.15,00:45:59.94 You saw it? 00:46:00.87,00:46:04.02 Heard about it. I thought it was[br]crazy survivors' stories. 00:46:05.15,00:46:06.50 Survivors? 00:46:06.87,00:46:07.66 Not here. 00:46:07.91,00:46:11.62 New Liberty, IIIinois,[br]a free sIave town just over the border. 00:46:12.63,00:46:16.59 A week before the war ended in '65,[br]I was with the 9th CavaIry. 00:46:16.87,00:46:20.78 We discovered oId foIks,[br]women and chiIdren sIaughtered. 00:46:21.27,00:46:23.38 They used them for target practice. 00:46:40.95,00:46:44.78 That's when I vowed to chase[br]this yeIIow deviI to his grave. 00:46:48.07,00:46:49.58 What's wrong, West? 00:46:50.07,00:46:52.18 I thought you'd be gIad[br]to see me Iike this. 00:46:52.39,00:46:54.42 ActuaIIy, I'm kind of disappointed. 00:46:54.67,00:46:57.42 I was hoping to kiII[br]the Butcher of New Liberty myseIf. 00:46:58.63,00:47:00.22 WeII, go on, shoot. 00:47:00.43,00:47:02.38 Send me on to heII. 00:47:03.63,00:47:06.83 But if you want the deviI[br]that's responsibIe for New Liberty... 00:47:07.07,00:47:08.66 ...it's LoveIess. 00:47:09.91,00:47:11.63 He manned the machine there. 00:47:11.83,00:47:14.82 He kiIIed aII them chiIdren,[br]oId foIks... 00:47:15.31,00:47:17.74 ...just Iike he kiIIed my boys here. 00:47:21.51,00:47:22.70 Where is he? 00:47:24.31,00:47:25.71 Where did he go? 00:47:30.79,00:47:32.43 Where's he going?! 00:47:33.11,00:47:34.38 I know that. 00:47:36.47,00:47:38.46 I'II teII you if you take me aIong. 00:47:38.71,00:47:40.59 You'II teII me,[br]or I'II Ieave you here. 00:47:42.55,00:47:45.62 The girIs at the mansion,[br]you know, they taIk. 00:47:45.87,00:47:49.34 ''I wonder if my hair[br]wiII get frizzy in the desert.'' 00:47:49.55,00:47:52.75 ''Where is this Oo-tah anyway?'' 00:47:54.19,00:47:55.59 Utah. 00:47:58.27,00:47:59.78 Let's go, CoIeman. Utah. 00:48:00.11,00:48:01.30 Aye, sir. 00:48:06.35,00:48:09.94 Why couIdn't we give her a ride[br]home to Texas? It's on the way. 00:48:10.15,00:48:12.06 On our way to Utah,[br]where our President is. 00:48:12.27,00:48:13.86 How you feeI about that coincidence? 00:48:33.95,00:48:37.02 We wouIdn't have known where[br]LoveIess was going if not for her. 00:48:37.23,00:48:39.38 Seems a bit ungracious,[br]if not periIous. 00:48:39.63,00:48:43.83 She'd have been in our way.[br]She and I'd have wound up in the saddIe. 00:48:44.39,00:48:47.70 That's funny, I got the feeIing[br]she was more interested in me. 00:49:02.39,00:49:04.34 I've tried to pIace myseIf[br]in LoveIess' shoes. 00:49:04.91,00:49:06.42 Good Iuck with that one. 00:49:06.67,00:49:09.47 What couId a maniac with[br]no reproductive organs want with Rita? 00:49:10.27,00:49:13.34 Which is not to say that Rita[br]doesn't possess a beauty... 00:49:13.55,00:49:16.38 ...worthy of a Shakespeare[br]sonnet or a BotticeIIi painting. 00:49:16.59,00:49:18.18 The curvature of her buttocks... 00:49:18.43,00:49:21.42 ...and the sweII[br]of that magnificent bosom! 00:49:21.95,00:49:23.59 So fuII, so sumptuous.... 00:49:23.83,00:49:27.98 So...what were aII those foreign[br]ministers doing at LoveIess' party? 00:49:28.23,00:49:30.66 This is what reaIIy puzzIes me. 00:49:30.91,00:49:33.10 Did you have any idea[br]there were so many? 00:49:33.35,00:49:36.90 -How Iong has she been here?[br]-Somewhere around BotticeIIi's buttocks. 00:49:37.99,00:49:39.42 I am profoundIy sorry. 00:49:39.67,00:49:43.06 I'II spare you the embarrassment.[br]Make a sandwich. You're getting off. 00:49:43.27,00:49:46.10 I know why those foreign guys[br]were at LoveIess' party. 00:49:48.03,00:49:49.83 This is fantastic.[br]How do you cook it? 00:49:50.11,00:49:51.70 I mean, you can cut it with a fork. 00:49:51.95,00:49:54.78 In a daubiere. It's a cIay pot.[br]It's a French method. 00:49:55.03,00:49:56.51 Foreign ministers. 00:49:56.79,00:49:59.43 They were mad about something,[br]you know, Iike... 00:49:59.67,00:50:02.42 ...there was some reaI bad deaI[br]in Louisiana on purpose. 00:50:02.67,00:50:03.74 The Louisiana Purchase. 00:50:04.15,00:50:06.10 And Queen somebody of France[br]got swindIed. 00:50:06.47,00:50:07.42 Queen IsabeIIa of Spain. 00:50:07.67,00:50:10.58 This is ridicuIous.[br]CoIeman, stop the train. 00:50:10.83,00:50:13.71 -Miss Escobar's getting off.[br]-Who the hell is Miss Escobar? 00:50:13.95,00:50:17.66 A frightened, starving, haIf-naked[br]woman who wants to find her father. 00:50:18.03,00:50:19.18 HaIf-naked? 00:50:19.43,00:50:20.83 CoIeman, stop the train! 00:50:21.07,00:50:24.19 We're not putting anybody off[br]here in the middle of nowhere! 00:50:24.43,00:50:26.07 Especially if they're half-naked! 00:50:26.91,00:50:30.26 PIease, Jim. My father's[br]the onIy famiIy I've got. 00:50:30.51,00:50:34.58 Am I to sit at home and wait for news[br]that he's been kiIIed, or do something? 00:50:34.79,00:50:35.74 What wouId you do? 00:50:35.95,00:50:37.83 I don't have anything against you. 00:50:38.03,00:50:42.02 What happens when we find LoveIess[br]and you're stiII on this train? 00:50:43.59,00:50:46.26 I know you'd never Iet him[br]take me back. 00:50:46.87,00:50:48.46 I've seen you shoot. 00:50:49.59,00:50:53.22 I'II assure you any attack by LoveIess[br]wouId be an exercise in futiIity. 00:50:53.47,00:50:55.78 I'II demonstrate how[br]my design suggestions... 00:50:56.03,00:50:58.83 ...have made the Wanderer[br]compIeteIy impervious to attack. 00:50:59.07,00:51:02.86 Over here, three seemingIy[br]innocent biIIiard baIIs, yes? 00:51:03.83,00:51:08.50 Depress the number, it's a sIeeping-gas[br]bomb effective in under three seconds. 00:51:08.75,00:51:12.14 So put your mind at ease.[br]You are safe within these waIIs. 00:51:12.43,00:51:14.62 I don't know about you,[br]but I'II sIeep better... 00:51:14.87,00:51:17.54 ...assuming LoveIess barges in here[br]to pIay pooI. 00:51:17.75,00:51:21.45 And speaking of sIeeping,[br]I'm reaIIy tired, Artie. 00:51:21.71,00:51:23.42 CouId I borrow something to wear? 00:51:23.67,00:51:26.13 -I have just--[br]-I got something you can wear. 00:51:26.39,00:51:29.10 It ain't styIish, but it won't expIode[br]when you put it on. 00:51:29.35,00:51:30.98 That wouId be nice. 00:51:41.07,00:51:43.26 LoveIess kidnapped[br]a few metaIIurgists, so... 00:51:43.51,00:51:45.62 ...whatever he's buiIding[br]wiII have armor. 00:51:45.87,00:51:47.30 He kidnapped a coupIe chemists... 00:51:48.19,00:51:49.50 ...so it'II have expIosives. 00:51:49.75,00:51:53.50 According to you, Rita's father's the[br]worId's foremost expert in hydrauIics... 00:51:54.03,00:51:55.94 ...so the thing's gonna move. 00:51:56.15,00:51:59.85 What couId he buiId that'd make[br]the President surrender the government? 00:52:00.55,00:52:01.82 A bedside heater. 00:52:02.95,00:52:03.74 What? 00:52:04.63,00:52:07.62 Rita needs a bedside heater.[br]It gets quite chiIIy. 00:52:07.83,00:52:10.29 That's what I was taIking about.[br]The distraction. 00:52:11.27,00:52:12.38 What? 00:52:15.27,00:52:18.70 Good night, and thank you[br]for saving me. 00:52:19.27,00:52:20.18 Good night. 00:52:23.43,00:52:24.22 That outfit-- 00:52:24.43,00:52:27.74 -Is most becoming.[br]-LoveIy. I hope it's not too breezy. 00:52:27.95,00:52:29.86 -Back there.[br]-But if there's anything.... 00:52:30.07,00:52:30.86 Anything at aII.... 00:52:31.11,00:52:31.90 I'm right here. 00:52:32.11,00:52:34.02 Aren't you boys nice? 00:52:34.23,00:52:36.02 WeII, sweet dreams. 00:52:41.15,00:52:42.74 I toId you she'd be a distraction. 00:52:43.55,00:52:45.18 She's not a distraction. 00:52:45.43,00:52:48.42 It's nice having her on board.[br]She's a breath of fresh ass. 00:52:49.87,00:52:50.90 Pardon me? 00:52:52.11,00:52:53.38 You said ''ass.'' 00:52:53.83,00:52:57.58 No, I said, ''It's nice having her[br]on board. She's a breast of fresh air.'' 00:52:59.67,00:53:01.34 Let's just get some shut-ass. 00:53:26.23,00:53:27.54 We have LoveIess. 00:53:27.99,00:53:30.37 Seven hundred yards and cIosing. 00:53:30.87,00:53:32.38 Maintain this speed.[br]I'm coming up. 00:53:35.55,00:53:36.86 -What's that?[br]-I took the Iiberty... 00:53:37.07,00:53:39.10 ...of instaIIing that whiIe you sIept. 00:53:40.67,00:53:42.78 Don't take Iiberties with my things! 00:53:43.03,00:53:44.17 Very good. 00:53:44.43,00:53:46.62 I've onIy made one or two[br]additions to your wardrobe. 00:54:06.27,00:54:08.50 Am I missing something here? 00:54:49.91,00:54:52.02 If we are pursuing LoveIess... 00:54:52.27,00:54:54.42 ...why is he behind us? 00:54:58.15,00:54:58.94 That's why. 00:55:04.63,00:55:05.54 What's going on? 00:55:05.79,00:55:07.46 Nothing. It's fine. Get down. 00:55:10.71,00:55:12.70 -Push that magic button.[br]-What are you doing? 00:55:13.07,00:55:14.46 Seeing if your Egressor works. 00:55:14.83,00:55:15.74 We need a pIan. 00:55:15.95,00:55:17.22 -Push the button![br]-Very good. 00:55:22.27,00:55:23.70 He's so courageous. 00:55:27.55,00:55:29.58 WouId you puII on[br]one of those pooI cues? 00:55:29.79,00:55:31.50 -This one?[br]-Thank you. 00:55:34.87,00:55:38.26 Courage is onIy as good[br]as the machinery that supports it. 00:55:45.07,00:55:46.02 Good Iuck. 00:57:01.35,00:57:04.02 I have them square in my sights, sire. 00:57:04.23,00:57:07.30 As do I, Munitia. As do I! 00:57:11.59,00:57:12.98 Fire away! 00:57:26.55,00:57:29.34 That's it! I won't Iet LoveIess[br]take me away! 00:57:29.59,00:57:32.42 -I'd rather be dead![br]-That's not a good thing to wish for! 00:57:32.63,00:57:35.06 PIease, Artie! Don't Ieave me aIone! 00:57:38.03,00:57:40.06 Ladies, we need a new train. 00:57:40.43,00:57:42.54 -Give me the baII. I have a pIan.[br]-I won't! 00:57:47.79,00:57:48.62 It's LoveIess! 00:57:48.87,00:57:50.42 -No, it isn't.[br]-Yes, it is! 00:58:04.63,00:58:07.62 An innocent biIIiard baII this way,[br]but depress the number... 00:58:07.87,00:58:10.25 ...and on impact it ruins our mission. 00:58:11.51,00:58:13.66 -Don't move![br]-Let go of my Ieg. 00:58:13.91,00:58:17.94 LoveIess has fitted us with the same[br]metaI device we found on Morton. 00:58:18.15,00:58:19.37 Good morning, gentIemen. 00:58:19.63,00:58:21.18 I trust you sIept weII. 00:58:21.43,00:58:24.62 -What have you done with Rita?[br]-Rita, is it? How famiIiar! 00:58:24.83,00:58:27.66 Rita is sIeeping off[br]the aftereffects in the stateroom. 00:58:27.91,00:58:29.66 She is quite IoveIy, isn't she? 00:58:29.91,00:58:33.69 Who knows? I might even[br]become famiIiar with her myseIf. 00:58:33.95,00:58:36.86 -That'd be one more reason to kiII you.[br]-Oh, yes, Mr. West. 00:58:37.11,00:58:39.49 To a weII-endowed bIackamoor[br]Iike yourseIf... 00:58:39.75,00:58:44.22 ...it seems impossibIe that a freak Iike[br]me couId enjoy the pIeasure of a woman. 00:58:44.47,00:58:47.14 But having witnessed my use[br]of mechanoIogy thus far... 00:58:47.35,00:58:50.26 ...don't you think I'd devise[br]something for my Iower body... 00:58:50.51,00:58:52.97 ...that was hard-pumping[br]and indefatigabIy steeIy? 00:58:53.59,00:58:56.54 And speaking of hard-pumping,[br]Mr. CoIeman... 00:58:56.79,00:58:58.10 ...fuII steam ahead. 00:59:06.59,00:59:10.21 What a marveIous train. You don't mind[br]me borrowing it, do you? 00:59:10.43,00:59:12.62 Aside from a Iack[br]of wheeIchair access... 00:59:12.87,00:59:14.82 ...I find it a most comfortabIe way... 00:59:15.07,00:59:18.10 ...to pass the Iong miIes[br]to my Iaboratory in Spider Canyon. 00:59:18.35,00:59:22.13 By the way, I'II be seeing[br]President Grant at Promontory Point. 00:59:22.35,00:59:24.06 What shaII I teII him for you? 00:59:24.31,00:59:27.02 I'm afraid it can't be[br]that you're aIive... 00:59:27.27,00:59:28.62 ...and weII. 00:59:30.23,00:59:32.34 Get out your tooI kit.[br]Get this off my neck. 00:59:34.79,00:59:36.18 My tooIs are gone. 00:59:38.87,00:59:42.02 ''WeIcome to LoveIess ExperimentaI[br]Camp for PoIiticaI Dissidents. 00:59:42.23,00:59:44.02 There are no guards, no barbed wires. 00:59:44.23,00:59:46.69 Stay within the perimeter,[br]you'II stay aIive.'' 00:59:46.95,00:59:48.54 I don't have time for this. 00:59:51.87,00:59:53.82 See? Nothing. 01:00:05.03,01:00:06.34 And now we have to run. 01:00:13.47,01:00:16.74 The coIIars around our necks seem[br]to contain powerfuI magnets! 01:00:16.95,01:00:19.33 As Iong as we can outrun the bIade,[br]we'II be fine! 01:00:19.59,01:00:22.18 How Iong does it take a magnet[br]to Iose its power? 01:00:22.39,01:00:24.30 -About 400 years![br]-Damn! 01:00:36.59,01:00:38.22 The guIIy! The guIIy! 01:00:38.71,01:00:40.14 Run for the guIIy! 01:00:43.95,01:00:44.93 Go, Gordon! Go! 01:00:56.39,01:00:58.06 Leap into my arms! 01:00:58.31,01:00:59.45 Now! 01:01:22.23,01:01:23.78 BIess you. 01:01:24.67,01:01:25.89 Sorry. 01:01:27.31,01:01:28.78 Rita, my dear. 01:01:29.03,01:01:31.94 Not that I'm ungratefuI to Providence[br]for bringing you back... 01:01:32.19,01:01:33.74 ...but I have to confess... 01:01:36.59,01:01:39.86 ...I'm a bit curious as to how[br]you managed to wind up with them. 01:01:40.07,01:01:44.38 They seemed so sure they couId find you,[br]I thought if I stayed with them... 01:01:44.59,01:01:47.42 ...they'II bring me back[br]to aII my friends. 01:01:49.19,01:01:53.02 Not to give you a big head,[br]but I kind of missed you. 01:01:53.23,01:01:56.74 WeII, isn't that a coincidence?[br]Because I kind of miss me too. 01:02:06.83,01:02:09.74 What's your pIan for getting[br]this thing off my neck? 01:02:10.59,01:02:11.65 Excuse me? 01:02:12.15,01:02:16.14 That's what you're here for. You're[br]the master of this mechanicaI stuff. 01:02:16.79,01:02:17.77 Oh, I see. 01:02:18.03,01:02:21.78 Now I'm the master[br]of this mechanicaI stuff. 01:02:22.15,01:02:24.14 As opposed to five minutes ago,[br]when I tried... 01:02:24.39,01:02:26.95 ...to find an inteIIigent soIution[br]to this probIem. 01:02:27.19,01:02:29.54 Then something happened.[br]Someone, who'II remain nameIess... 01:02:29.79,01:02:31.18 Jim! 01:02:31.43,01:02:34.02 West! 01:02:35.71,01:02:37.38 ...decided to jump over the wire... 01:02:37.63,01:02:40.09 ...providing us with that romp[br]through the cornfieId... 01:02:40.35,01:02:43.34 ...and that death-defying Ieap[br]into the abysmaI muck! 01:02:43.59,01:02:46.70 And here we stand,[br]whiIe that demented maniac hurtIes... 01:02:46.95,01:02:50.65 ...toward our President on our one[br]and onIy mode of transportation... 01:02:50.91,01:02:53.98 ...with Rita as prisoner, armed with[br]machinery of mass destruction... 01:02:54.23,01:02:57.62 ...with the simpIe intention[br]of taking over the country. 01:02:57.83,01:03:00.18 -You need to caIm down.[br]-I can't be caIm. 01:03:01.27,01:03:04.78 I'm the master of the mechanicaI stuff! 01:03:05.11,01:03:07.41 And I have to heIp you! You! 01:03:07.63,01:03:10.54 The master of the stupid stuff! 01:03:10.87,01:03:12.54 Wanna get your coIIar off?[br]I'II get it off! 01:03:12.79,01:03:15.06 I don't have a gun.[br]Otherwise, I'd shoot it off! 01:03:15.43,01:03:17.34 Here's something in the true[br]Jim West styIe! 01:03:17.59,01:03:18.73 I'II bash it with a rock! 01:03:18.99,01:03:20.46 You don't wanna do that. 01:03:20.67,01:03:22.38 Oh, but I do! 01:03:28.07,01:03:29.86 -What did you do?[br]-I didn't do shit! 01:03:30.07,01:03:32.10 You've reversed the poIarity[br]of your magnet. 01:03:32.63,01:03:34.54 I did not do shit! 01:03:35.91,01:03:37.62 Be stiII! Be stiII! 01:03:37.91,01:03:40.10 I'II put my foot in your chest.[br]Push off. 01:03:45.15,01:03:46.02 You aII right? 01:03:46.27,01:03:48.78 I'm just peachy.[br]Can you heIp me get my boot off? 01:03:53.83,01:03:54.70 Sorry. 01:04:01.95,01:04:04.18 And that wouId be my beIt buckIe. 01:04:05.27,01:04:08.30 When you teII this story[br]to your grandkids, Ieave this part out. 01:04:08.67,01:04:09.70 Don't worry. 01:04:11.55,01:04:15.17 I'II undo your beIt. I'II run that way,[br]you run the other way. 01:04:15.43,01:04:16.74 Let me understand your pIan. 01:04:16.99,01:04:20.26 You'II run fast that way[br]and I'II run fast that way. 01:04:20.63,01:04:22.86 -It's ingenious.[br]-Whatever, Gordon. 01:04:23.11,01:04:23.90 One... 01:04:24.59,01:04:25.38 ...two... 01:04:25.79,01:04:26.58 ...three! 01:04:44.95,01:04:45.90 Oh, Iook. 01:04:46.55,01:04:47.69 My auxiIiary tooI kit. 01:04:47.91,01:04:50.54 I forgot about it. It must've[br]sIipped out of my pocket. 01:04:50.75,01:04:51.73 Your pocket? 01:04:51.99,01:04:55.38 Why wasn't it on some contraption[br]that shoots out your ass? 01:04:55.83,01:04:57.50 That's the first pIace[br]LoveIess wouId've Iooked. 01:05:16.19,01:05:17.30 What? 01:05:18.71,01:05:20.02 Nothing. 01:05:22.59,01:05:25.02 No, thank you. I'm fine. 01:05:25.47,01:05:27.02 Not quite myseIf out here. 01:05:28.95,01:05:31.30 There's a very Iarge spider[br]on your hand. 01:05:34.31,01:05:36.14 He's just trying to get warm. 01:05:41.51,01:05:43.46 How is it you know so much[br]about the desert? 01:05:44.47,01:05:47.86 I Iived out here as a boy.[br]I was raised by the Indians. 01:05:48.19,01:05:50.18 ReaIIy? Now that is-- 01:05:50.43,01:05:51.41 Look, a desert wasp... 01:05:51.67,01:05:53.62 ...one of the worId's greatest hunters. 01:05:53.83,01:05:56.26 She'II kiII the tarantuIa,[br]Iay her eggs inside... 01:05:56.51,01:05:58.58 ...so her babies wiII have food[br]when they hatch. 01:05:58.79,01:06:00.78 Now I'm reaIIy hungry. 01:06:01.11,01:06:04.18 So how did your parents,[br]who I assume were Negro... 01:06:04.43,01:06:06.10 ...feeI about you[br]being raised by Indians? 01:06:06.87,01:06:08.70 They didn't have too much to say. 01:06:08.91,01:06:10.94 I was sent to[br]another pIantation as a boy. 01:06:11.15,01:06:13.78 Ran away as soon as my Iegs[br]were strong enough to take me. 01:06:14.03,01:06:15.78 Did you ever see your famiIy again? 01:06:18.95,01:06:21.70 They were at the camp at New Liberty. 01:06:25.79,01:06:27.74 I'II heIp you get him, Jim. 01:06:33.23,01:06:35.58 You have no idea[br]where we're going, do you? 01:06:36.03,01:06:38.10 I know exactIy where we're going. 01:06:38.55,01:06:40.34 Going to Spider Canyon. 01:06:40.63,01:06:44.33 We'd get there a Iot faster if you[br]weren't dragging that thing around. 01:06:44.55,01:06:47.78 A Iot of scientific ingenuity[br]and hard work went into this. 01:06:48.03,01:06:49.70 It'd be a shame to discard it. 01:06:49.91,01:06:52.74 You never know when a high-powered[br]magnet might come in handy. 01:07:07.39,01:07:09.06 When you're right, you're right. 01:07:12.35,01:07:13.98 LoveIess' private track. 01:07:20.15,01:07:23.02 This is not a mirage.[br]If this isn't a mirage, then that-- 01:07:23.23,01:07:26.26 Is Spider Canyon.[br]What now, Mr. PIan Man? 01:07:29.15,01:07:33.74 What do we have? InteIIigence, a sense[br]of purpose, the eIement of surprise. 01:07:34.11,01:07:35.98 So what does LoveIess have? 01:07:48.19,01:07:49.78 He has his own city. 01:08:11.79,01:08:14.62 He has an 80-foot tarantuIa. 01:08:14.91,01:08:17.42 Yes, weII, I was coming to that. 01:08:20.47,01:08:23.46 Nice to see an invention[br]that actuaIIy works. 01:08:23.67,01:08:25.94 Most impressive. 01:08:30.95,01:08:32.94 If a IittIe ungainIy. 01:08:36.55,01:08:37.61 He's trapped. 01:08:38.43,01:08:40.78 That thing'II never get[br]past those rocks. 01:08:55.31,01:08:56.26 Let's go! 01:09:00.75,01:09:02.58 Gordon, Iet's ride! 01:09:03.35,01:09:04.70 You do know how to ride. 01:09:04.91,01:09:07.02 -Yes, I know how to ride.[br]-A horse. 01:09:07.27,01:09:09.02 Yes, when something primitive[br]is caIIed for. 01:09:09.23,01:09:11.94 How about now? A giant spider's[br]stomping toward our President. 01:09:12.63,01:09:14.06 I was thinking of another spider. 01:09:14.95,01:09:17.51 Remember when that wasp[br]destroyed the tarantuIa? 01:09:17.75,01:09:20.46 The wasp had a sIight advantage.[br]It couId fIy. 01:09:21.55,01:09:22.86 ExactIy. 01:09:23.23,01:09:27.70 In 1 540, Leonardo da Vinci designed[br]a fIying machine, but never finished it. 01:09:27.95,01:09:30.86 With some extrapoIation[br]and a bit of imagination, I've-- 01:09:31.11,01:09:34.26 We don't have time for your pIans[br]or haIf-baked inventions. 01:09:36.91,01:09:39.21 We gotta stick to what[br]we each do best. 01:09:59.07,01:10:02.69 ''May God continue the unity[br]of our country... 01:10:02.91,01:10:07.10 ...as this raiIroad unites[br]the two great oceans of this worId.'' 01:11:06.76,01:11:08.08 Good Lord! 01:11:34.72,01:11:37.03 WeII, now, isn't this a coincidence? 01:11:37.24,01:11:39.68 I'm out for a IittIe morning ride... 01:11:39.92,01:11:41.36 ...and in the middIe of nowhere... 01:11:41.56,01:11:45.24 ...I bump into[br]GeneraI UIysses S. Grant himseIf. 01:11:45.44,01:11:48.28 We've never been properIy introduced.[br]I'm Dr. ArIiss LoveIess... 01:11:48.52,01:11:50.11 ...formerIy of the Confederate Army. 01:11:50.32,01:11:51.88 Yes, Dr. LoveIess. 01:11:52.80,01:11:55.24 It's a fine-Iooking spider[br]you have there. 01:11:55.48,01:11:56.55 What can I do for you? 01:11:56.76,01:12:00.23 I have a humbIe abode nearby.[br]I hope you'II accept my hospitaIity. 01:12:00.44,01:12:02.03 I have a proposition to make. 01:12:02.24,01:12:03.56 What proposition is that? 01:12:03.76,01:12:07.80 The immediate and unconditionaI[br]surrender of the United States... 01:12:08.04,01:12:09.60 ...to the LoveIess AIIiance! 01:12:09.84,01:12:12.64 I didn't reaIize we were at war. 01:12:12.88,01:12:15.64 You have me at somewhat[br]of a disadvantage. 01:12:15.88,01:12:18.48 I didn't bring my fIy swatter. 01:12:28.28,01:12:29.95 How about now? 01:12:30.64,01:12:34.68 In matters pertaining to war,[br]the person to taIk to wouId be me. 01:12:34.88,01:12:36.20 And now just who are you? 01:12:36.44,01:12:38.88 I am the President of the United States. 01:12:39.08,01:12:43.79 This man is an actor hired to stand in[br]for me on pubIic occasions. 01:12:44.00,01:12:47.20 Not a very good actor at that.[br]He's too fat and duII-witted. 01:12:47.40,01:12:50.08 You got a Iot of brass, Gordon.[br]Where's West? 01:12:50.28,01:12:51.51 You know him, sir. 01:12:55.36,01:12:56.40 Take this man away! 01:12:56.80,01:12:58.20 Captain! 01:12:58.76,01:12:59.56 Lieutenant! 01:13:00.12,01:13:00.92 Sergeant! 01:13:02.24,01:13:03.15 Private! 01:13:03.68,01:13:05.88 You are dismissed, sir! Leave! 01:13:06.08,01:13:07.15 We'II take them both! 01:13:13.08,01:13:14.99 Was this part of your pIan, Gordon? 01:13:15.24,01:13:19.08 WeII, I'm by your side, sir.[br]That's what counts. 01:13:27.48,01:13:30.28 I got a teIegram for a Dr. LoveIess[br]from his mother. 01:13:30.52,01:13:33.36 She said, ''Come home.[br]Stop aII this fooIishness.'' 01:14:12.08,01:14:13.20 Bonjour... 01:14:13.64,01:14:16.52 ...buenas tardes, and good day! 01:14:17.36,01:14:19.43 Great, gIorious day! 01:14:19.64,01:14:24.56 A day of heaIing for the wrongs[br]that have been done to us aII. 01:14:27.40,01:14:29.15 How Iong have we waited? 01:14:30.28,01:14:32.96 1 776, wasn't it, oId bean? 01:14:33.76,01:14:36.96 The most expensive cup of tea[br]in history. 01:14:38.44,01:14:41.28 Manhattan, for a handfuI of beads. 01:14:41.52,01:14:42.67 How. 01:14:43.84,01:14:46.56 ''Remember the AIamo,'' indeed. 01:15:28.60,01:15:30.19 Thanks, Artie. 01:15:32.96,01:15:37.16 Today, I'm proud to be abIe[br]to sit before y'aII... 01:15:37.48,01:15:41.36 ...and teII you that the wrongs[br]wiII be righted... 01:15:41.68,01:15:44.15 ...the past made present... 01:15:44.68,01:15:47.44 ...the united, divided! 01:15:58.92,01:16:03.47 Great Britain gets back the 1 3[br]originaI coIonies, minus Manhattan. 01:16:03.96,01:16:07.11 FIorida and the Fountain of Youth[br]go back to Spain. 01:16:07.56,01:16:11.60 Texas, New Mexico,[br]CaIifornia, Arizona... 01:16:11.84,01:16:13.48 ...revoIve a Mexico. 01:16:13.68,01:16:16.52 And a IittIe piece for me[br]to retire on. 01:17:05.64,01:17:10.11 My partner nations insist that[br]we make this as IegaI as possibIe. 01:17:10.92,01:17:12.91 PersonaIIy, I Iike the symmetry of it. 01:17:13.24,01:17:14.80 After aII... 01:17:15.04,01:17:17.32 ...wasn't it you, President Grant,[br]that made us... 01:17:17.52,01:17:19.75 ...sign a surrender at Appomattox? 01:17:20.08,01:17:21.64 Never wiII I sign that paper. 01:17:21.84,01:17:25.12 Never wiII the United States[br]ever surrender! 01:17:33.20,01:17:35.24 We're at Ioggerheads, then, aren't we? 01:17:36.08,01:17:39.87 I suppose the threat of death to someone[br]with your vaIorous war record... 01:17:40.12,01:17:41.44 ...wouId mean nothing. 01:17:41.68,01:17:44.44 If you stiII refuse[br]to sign the surrender... 01:17:44.68,01:17:46.56 ...we'II start by shooting[br]your man, Gordon. 01:17:49.28,01:17:52.16 Don't worry.[br]I'm wearing an ImpermeabIe. 01:18:01.92,01:18:03.32 May I make one request? 01:18:05.76,01:18:07.20 That she aim at my heart... 01:18:07.84,01:18:10.68 ...my heart, which has Ioved[br]this country so much. 01:18:11.64,01:18:12.63 Shoot him in the head. 01:18:14.12,01:18:14.95 Damn! 01:18:16.40,01:18:17.36 Ready! 01:18:17.72,01:18:18.52 Aim! 01:18:36.64,01:18:38.31 A new girI! 01:18:39.28,01:18:42.19 WeII, what a nice surprise. 01:19:10.12,01:19:13.24 Ebonia, why are you so crueI to me? 01:19:25.80,01:19:27.36 This brassiere is kiIIing me. 01:19:29.48,01:19:30.80 Thank you. 01:19:34.88,01:19:37.76 And this garter beIt[br]is riding up my ass. 01:19:38.00,01:19:41.36 -Be carefuI with that dress.[br]-To heII with your damn dress. 01:19:46.36,01:19:48.96 We'II have you out of here[br]in a second, Mr. President. 01:19:53.28,01:19:54.60 Bye-bye! 01:19:55.72,01:19:57.47 -Is she with us?[br]-Captain West. 01:19:58.64,01:20:00.52 Oh, he's so gracefuI! 01:20:28.80,01:20:29.60 IKiII him! 01:20:30.00,01:20:30.99 Him! 01:20:31.24,01:20:32.39 Him! Him! 01:20:32.64,01:20:33.44 The girI! 01:20:46.16,01:20:47.88 Is that the eight baII? Get down. 01:20:51.48,01:20:54.71 -That wasn't sIeeping gas.[br]-The eight baII's an incendiary bomb. 01:20:56.36,01:20:57.16 The President! 01:20:59.96,01:21:00.84 Let's go! 01:21:01.08,01:21:03.47 Save the President! We'II be fine! 01:21:07.00,01:21:10.71 They're getting away. We gotta[br]do something! We gotta get horses! 01:21:10.96,01:21:12.60 Right now we need a pIan. 01:21:12.80,01:21:14.60 That fIying machine idea of yours.... 01:21:14.80,01:21:18.95 Were you acting Iike you knew what you[br]were taIking about, or can you buiId it? 01:21:29.00,01:21:31.04 BernouIIi was considered[br]insane by his peers. 01:21:31.24,01:21:34.20 His theory states that the air[br]over a bird's wing moves... 01:21:34.44,01:21:36.83 ...at a Iower pressure[br]than that beIow the wing. 01:21:37.08,01:21:39.84 That's caIIed Iift. And is[br]what we wiII now attempt. 01:21:40.04,01:21:42.56 It's onIy a theory.[br]It's never been tested. 01:21:42.76,01:21:45.67 Here's a IittIe bon voyage[br]present for you guys. 01:21:45.92,01:21:48.99 Gunpowder, nitrogIycerine[br]and .44 caIiber primers. 01:21:49.40,01:21:51.52 How the deviI do you know[br]about expIosives? 01:21:51.76,01:21:54.96 U.S. MarshaI CoIeman.[br]President wanted me to Iook after you. 01:21:55.16,01:21:57.96 But I draw the Iine[br]at defying gravity, so good Iuck. 01:22:01.20,01:22:04.67 HoId on! Avanti ! 01:22:11.72,01:22:13.84 Avanti ! Avanti ! 01:22:14.04,01:22:16.84 -Why isn't this avanti -ing?[br]-Not enough Iift! 01:22:17.08,01:22:18.44 We need more speed! 01:22:32.16,01:22:34.04 -That's a cIiff![br]-Yes, I know! 01:22:34.24,01:22:36.60 -That means the ground is gonna end![br]-I know! 01:22:50.28,01:22:52.08 It works! It works! 01:22:52.32,01:22:55.39 If you had to get one right,[br]I'm sure gIad it was this one. 01:22:59.84,01:23:02.83 What kind of fancy name you got[br]picked out for this thing? 01:23:03.04,01:23:06.40 Wait, Iet me guess:[br]an EIevation Enhancer... 01:23:06.64,01:23:09.40 ...or a Gravity-RepeIIer VehicIe. 01:23:09.64,01:23:11.55 No, I was thinking[br]of something simpIe. 01:23:11.80,01:23:13.76 Air Gordon. 01:23:23.52,01:23:26.04 Mr. President,[br]I'II ask you once again: 01:23:26.24,01:23:29.84 Sign the surrender,[br]or I wiII decimate this town! 01:23:30.20,01:23:31.84 You've had my answer. 01:23:32.68,01:23:36.99 I understand, but I urge you to[br]reconsider in Iight of the foIIowing! 01:25:00.88,01:25:03.00 Hang on, Mr. President! 01:25:08.72,01:25:09.52 Let's go! 01:25:16.40,01:25:20.44 GentIemen, I am truIy impressed[br]by your effort and ingenuity. 01:25:20.68,01:25:23.07 Why not swear an oath[br]of IoyaIty to me... 01:25:23.92,01:25:25.88 ...and forego your execution? 01:25:26.08,01:25:29.36 I thought I'd stuff your haIf-a-ass[br]in one of these cannons... 01:25:29.56,01:25:31.79 ...and fertiIize[br]the Iandscape with you. 01:25:35.60,01:25:37.59 We may not have a woodshed on board... 01:25:37.84,01:25:40.80 ...but that boy is gonna[br]get a whupping anyway! 01:25:48.68,01:25:50.99 You the one supposed[br]to give me my whupping? 01:25:52.36,01:25:54.08 HeII, I got one of those. 01:25:58.28,01:26:01.12 Gordon onIy gave me one.[br]If you give me a second, I'II-- 01:26:16.24,01:26:17.07 Damn! 01:26:50.76,01:26:52.64 That's it. No more Mr. IKnife Guy. 01:27:24.96,01:27:26.60 I Iearned that from a Chinaman. 01:27:30.60,01:27:32.32 I just made that up. 01:27:36.00,01:27:37.20 Nice hat. 01:27:42.12,01:27:43.08 No! 01:28:22.20,01:28:23.48 Sorry. 01:28:36.04,01:28:39.16 Miss Lippenreider,[br]take over the controIs. 01:29:04.40,01:29:07.20 Now, somebody around here[br]promised me a whupping. 01:29:07.40,01:29:08.44 Dark-haired feIIa. 01:29:08.68,01:29:10.51 Crazy beard. About your height.[br]Seen him? 01:29:11.36,01:29:14.40 When it comes right down to it,[br]you just can't beat... 01:29:14.64,01:29:16.44 ...a good oId-fashioned pair of Iegs. 01:29:16.64,01:29:20.84 WeII, you're obviousIy[br]not a poker pIayer, Mr. West. 01:29:37.68,01:29:40.80 Four of a kind aIways beats a pair. 01:29:42.56,01:29:45.79 Now was there someone[br]particuIarIy cIose to you... 01:29:46.00,01:29:48.91 ...who perished[br]in that miIitary action? 01:29:52.48,01:29:54.07 WeII, that struck a nerve. 01:29:59.48,01:30:02.76 ''I Iikes to beat my feet... 01:30:03.20,01:30:05.72 ...on the Mississippi mud!'' 01:30:07.68,01:30:08.83 Stop it! 01:30:09.96,01:30:11.68 Stop him, pIease! 01:30:12.64,01:30:13.76 Drop it! 01:30:17.08,01:30:19.04 Drive.[br]Stop or I'II shoot. 01:30:19.24,01:30:21.36 You expect to kiII me[br]with that peashooter? 01:30:21.56,01:30:22.47 If I have to, yes. 01:30:22.68,01:30:24.83 Why is it that I am unafraid? 01:30:25.08,01:30:26.12 Shoot... 01:30:26.36,01:30:27.27 ...him... 01:30:27.48,01:30:28.92 ...Gordon! 01:30:31.80,01:30:33.47 Shoot him! 01:30:37.72,01:30:39.44 After aII that, you missed? 01:30:39.72,01:30:41.04 ActuaIIy, I didn't. 01:30:49.48,01:30:50.76 Thank you. 01:30:50.96,01:30:53.08 Your chivaIry's about to be tested. 01:30:56.72,01:30:57.63 Wait! 01:31:05.80,01:31:09.43 WeII, weII, weII, Dr. LoveIess.[br]I bet you thought it was... 01:31:09.68,01:31:12.67 ...pretty damn funny, big metaI foot[br]on my face and aII. 01:31:12.92,01:31:15.07 If you ask me, somebody around here... 01:31:15.32,01:31:18.44 ...owes somebody eIse[br]around here an apoIogy. 01:31:25.20,01:31:28.67 Quit dancing around and figure out[br]how to run this damn thing! 01:31:28.88,01:31:30.32 We got a reaI probIem there! 01:31:34.48,01:31:36.23 PIease, Mr. West! 01:31:37.88,01:31:39.68 Show some mercy! 01:31:39.92,01:31:41.75 Now, don't you fret none. 01:31:41.96,01:31:44.84 We got a IoveIy haIf a jaiI ceII[br]picked out for you. 01:31:45.64,01:31:48.24 PIease, sir! You fine, dark warrior! 01:31:48.44,01:31:52.20 Finding the right[br]combination of Ievers-- 01:31:54.72,01:31:55.52 Don't do that again. 01:31:55.76,01:31:58.72 I have aIways admired you, Mr. West. 01:31:59.20,01:32:00.79 I want you to understand that. 01:32:08.20,01:32:10.27 For four years,[br]I've chased the animaI... 01:32:10.48,01:32:13.08 ...responsibIe for the massacre[br]at New Liberty. 01:32:13.28,01:32:14.35 I hear that's you. 01:32:14.56,01:32:16.87 I am not an animaI.[br]I am a visionary! 01:32:17.08,01:32:18.12 I am a genius! 01:32:18.56,01:32:20.76 And now I am angry! 01:32:21.00,01:32:22.15 After I kiII you... 01:32:22.40,01:32:25.52 ...I swear I'm gonna boiI you down[br]for axIe grease! 01:32:47.00,01:32:48.96 WeII, I'II be a monkey's uncIe! 01:32:49.20,01:32:51.64 How did we arrive[br]in this dark situation? 01:32:52.20,01:32:54.92 I have no idea.[br]I'm just as stumped as you are. 01:32:57.00,01:32:59.04 I'm facing a difficuIt probIem here. 01:32:59.24,01:33:02.23 On the one hand, I have[br]an overwheIming Iove for myseIf... 01:33:02.48,01:33:05.95 ...and on the other, the raw,[br]seething hatred that I have for you. 01:33:06.16,01:33:09.71 I couId kiII you very easiIy[br]just by puIIing on this Iever. 01:33:10.60,01:33:13.24 But I wouId die aIong with you,[br]hence my confIict. 01:33:16.00,01:33:17.07 Decisions... 01:33:17.28,01:33:18.56 ...decisions. 01:33:19.36,01:33:21.35 AIIow me to make[br]that decision for you. 01:33:21.56,01:33:25.40 Mr. West, aIthough you are[br]as bIack as the night on the outside... 01:33:25.64,01:33:26.55 ...inside... 01:33:27.40,01:33:30.68 ...you are yeIIow! 01:33:31.16,01:33:34.87 You just don't have it in you. 01:33:35.72,01:33:37.08 Do you... 01:33:38.40,01:33:39.28 ...boy? 01:33:58.56,01:34:01.36 Now that's a whupping. 01:34:17.08,01:34:20.12 You'II be happy to know[br]I'm creating a new agency... 01:34:20.36,01:34:22.83 ...whose soIe purpose[br]is to protect the President. 01:34:23.28,01:34:24.64 WeIcome to the Secret Service. 01:34:24.88,01:34:26.71 Agents number one and number two. 01:34:27.12,01:34:28.56 Thank you, Mr. President. 01:34:28.76,01:34:32.20 Do you mind if I ask which one is agent[br]number one and which is number two? 01:34:32.60,01:34:34.24 I don't think that matters. Do you? 01:34:34.64,01:34:35.47 Not if you don't. 01:34:35.68,01:34:39.52 Anyway, you'II have pIenty of time[br]to discuss it on your new assignment. 01:34:40.20,01:34:42.24 See you in Washington, gentIemen. 01:34:49.00,01:34:50.83 Mr. President, what about our train? 01:34:51.16,01:34:52.72 I'm taking it, of course. 01:34:52.96,01:34:55.60 HeII, you Iet LoveIess bIow up mine. 01:35:00.92,01:35:03.04 -My heroes.[br]-Rita, Iook at you. 01:35:04.68,01:35:05.51 You're a vision. 01:35:05.72,01:35:07.36 That's a fine dress you got on. 01:35:07.60,01:35:12.28 I wanted to thank you for aII you've[br]done for me, before I went back to Texas. 01:35:12.52,01:35:14.51 Texas? What do you mean? 01:35:14.76,01:35:16.19 Come to Washington with me. 01:35:16.44,01:35:19.16 Or better yet, come back[br]to Washington with me. 01:35:19.60,01:35:23.07 I'm afraid I haven't been[br]compIeteIy honest with you. 01:35:23.72,01:35:27.35 Professor Escobar is not my father.[br]He's my husband. 01:35:29.72,01:35:31.12 You couId've toId us that. 01:35:32.96,01:35:35.84 Rita, dear, we reaIIy must be going. 01:35:42.68,01:35:44.99 At Ieast you stiII have each other. 01:36:03.32,01:36:04.55 Jim? 01:36:05.32,01:36:06.51 What now, Artie? 01:36:06.72,01:36:09.28 Do you mind if I ask you a question? 01:36:09.48,01:36:11.28 ActuaIIy, I do, Artie. 01:41:40.72,01:41:41.71 EngIish SubtitIes by[br]GELULA & CO., INC. 73539