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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
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PHONE RINGS
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00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:33,000
Happy Christmas, sis.
You going, then? Am I going where?
4
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,760
It's Christmas Day!
You bloody well know where.
5
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,320
To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!
6
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:41,800
Wake up.
Well, are you?
7
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,720
No, I've told you I'm not.
We're going to Nigel's folk
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and the parasite is really
kicking off.
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Dad, she called me parasite again!
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00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,000
Well, you are a bloody parasite.
11
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,800
You've ruined my body.
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00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,200
Ruined it.
13
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,920
You have to go, Wicky, end of.
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00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,360
I've got plans.
15
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,520
The White Horse are
doing a full Christmas dinner.
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00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,160
Microwave turkey is dangerous,
Wicky.
17
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:02,640
Have you not learnt from last time?
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00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,960
It's not just the dinner -
Weasel's going a raffle
19
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,160
during the King's Speech.
20
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,360
You can win a horse.
Like, an actual horse.
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00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,400
It's Christmas, Wicky.
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00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,960
You should be able to put
aside your differences at Christmas.
23
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,800
YOU put aside my differences
at Christmas.
24
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,400
Take him to Nigel's parents
with you.
25
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,040
Well, I can't,
because of Pablo.
26
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,240
Nigel's mum's allergic.
27
00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:20,640
Her throat puffs up like a toad.
28
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,080
Who the hell's Pablo?
29
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,280
Dad's new dog.
30
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:24,480
I love Pablo!
31
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,800
Yes.
We all know you love Pablo.
32
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,880
My God,
they repeat themselves at this age.
33
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:33,000
He's bought a dog?!
Yes. It's really cute.
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00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,080
Have you any idea how many times
I asked him for a dog
35
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,880
when we were kids?
It's all I ever wanted.
36
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,520
And he used to say,
"Oh, no, they're..."
37
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:40,040
BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."
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00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,200
Right, well, that's it.
I'm definitely not going.
39
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,960
He deserves to be on his own
and you know it.
40
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,800
And you're going to end
up just like him.
41
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:49,280
Think about going round to Dad's,
Wicky. He's an old man.
42
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,120
It's Christmas.
43
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,160
Nigel!
44
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,800
Will you open this bloody boot?!
45
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,040
Right, then.
46
00:01:58,520 --> 00:01:59,560
Let's dance.
47
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,320
Moderate-to-severe blood pooling,
limited staining on porous surfaces,
48
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but mostly fake marble and Formica.
49
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:26,840
Two hours 30, tops.
50
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,920
And then Turkey, pint, new horse.
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00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,440
Let's have it, Santa.
52
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,480
# Santa, baby
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00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,800
# Slip the sable under
the tree for me
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# I've been an awful good girl
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00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,280
# Santa, baby
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# So hurry down the chimney tonight
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# Santa, baby
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# A '54 convertible too
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00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,440
# Bright blue
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00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,680
# Well, I'll wait up for you, dear,
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# Santa, baby
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# So hurry down the chimney tonight
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00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:26,920
# So hurry down the chimney
toni... #
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00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:27,960
Hey!
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Get out of it.
66
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,680
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
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00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,920
The parlour's closed.
The parlour's...
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00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,800
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert...
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00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,240
What are you doing here, kid?
70
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:44,960
It's Sunday. And...? Every Sunday,
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00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,120
I get a peach melba ice cream
in Alberto's.
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00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,680
It's Christmas Day.
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00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,920
It is also Sunday.
Right.
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00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,560
OK. Listen, Robert...
Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,
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00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,960
Robert Kendrick,
the parlour is closed.
76
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,400
Most shops are closed.
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00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,840
It's Christmas Day.
78
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,920
Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.
79
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,080
He is an Italian-Jewish person,
so he does not celebrate Christmas.
80
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,640
Now, could you please inform
Alberto that
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00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,680
I've arrived for my peach melba?
82
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,440
OK. You probably shouldn't hear
this on the news. Come in.
83
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,320
I'm sorry to have to break
this to you, Robert,
84
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:21,840
but Alberto's passed.
85
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,080
On. He's passed on.
86
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,720
He's...
87
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,240
He's gone over to the other side.
88
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,440
He's left this earthly plane.
89
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,920
He's a...he's a cloud gardener.
90
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,240
He dances with the angels, Robert.
91
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,480
He is...
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00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,280
He's got two goose arms.
93
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,720
You're trying to tell me
Alberto is dead.
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00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:50,760
I'm afraid so.
95
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,280
Oh...
96
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:00,160
Then I shall need to know the
cause of death.
97
00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:01,320
For my journal.
98
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,520
Oh, OK.
99
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,760
He was killed. How?
100
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,120
A bad man hit him with a plank.
101
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:12,080
A plank is not a suitable weapon.
102
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,560
It might have been a plank. But you
said it was a plank just now.
103
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,040
Yeah, I know, but...
Was it a plank or not?
104
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,440
It might have been a bat.
105
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,080
Cricket bat or a baseball bat?
106
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,360
Cricket?
107
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,280
Alberto was battered to death.
108
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,480
Cricket bat. ..bat.
109
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,160
I didn't do it.
110
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,720
I'll be sure to tell the police
they can rule you out.
111
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,040
You better go home.
112
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:38,720
Alberto said he'd take me
home at 5:42pm.
113
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:43,240
That's the time my bus usually goes
home. As there are no buses
114
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:46,800
on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd
take me home at the same time.
115
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,240
5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.
116
00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,680
Alberto can't drive because
of the whole dead thing.
117
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,720
I'm afraid the parlour is closed,
even to valued customers.
118
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,080
So...
119
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:03,400
But you're here and you're just
a cleaner. Be that as it may,
120
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,040
clean I must.
So, if you'll forgive me, Robert...
121
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,120
Robert Kendrick. Yes.
122
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,560
PHONE RINGS
123
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,240
HE SIGHS
124
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I'm not going.
125
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,280
We've just popped in there.
126
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,200
Listen, he's really sorry.
127
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:35,040
He says he thinks
about you all the time.
128
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,400
He actually thinks a lot
of his past behaviour was caused
129
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,040
by his lactose intolerance.
130
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,320
Oh, for God's sake,
will you listen to yourself?
131
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:43,880
He's going to write you a letter.
132
00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:46,320
He's going to write a letter?
What, on a betting slip?
133
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,160
He says he's changed.
He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.
134
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,480
I love Pablo!
135
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,000
Yes, we know.
136
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:55,000
First you wreck my tits
and now you drive me crazy.
137
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,040
If I could turn back time.
138
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,360
I'd like a peach melba,
please.
139
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,560
Am I missing something here, mate?
140
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,000
The parlour is closed.
141
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,840
You have forgotten my name
and used mate as a replacement.
142
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,040
I should have formally
introduced myself.
143
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,720
I haven't forgotten your name.
144
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,040
The parlour is closed.
145
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,200
My name is Robert Kendrick.
I am 22 years old.
146
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,840
At least we're getting some
new information through now.
147
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,360
I live in Norford, a 23-minute
bus journey from here.
148
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,360
Hand me a pen,
I'll ghost-write your memoirs.
149
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,960
And I'm autistic.
150
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960
Yes, well, that's...
151
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,920
..fantastic!
152
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,560
Is it...because of the...
153
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,120
..welcoming...
154
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,320
We want to include, welcome.
155
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,600
We're all welcome here, aren't we?
156
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,160
It's the pizza of life.
157
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:51,760
What do we want?
Do we want just cheese? NO.
158
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,360
We want to put some pickles on
it if we want.
159
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:59,920
I think, and I think everyone thinks
this, everyone is a little bit
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00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,880
autistic, aren't they?
161
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,640
No.
No.
162
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,840
Who said that?
I did. Am I autistic?
163
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,480
No, I'm not autistic.
164
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,720
You're autistic.
165
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:12,360
And that...is...good.
166
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,840
Alan Turing was autistic.
167
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,040
The mathematician who helped
to crack the Enigma code
168
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,840
during World War II and saved
hundreds of thousands of lives.
169
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,880
Do you know what the authorities
did to him?
170
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,760
Well, I'm hoping they gave him
a lovely medal.
171
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,480
They castrated him
because he was a homosexual. Mm.
172
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,200
Chemically. His testicles
became redundant.
173
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,920
Well, I know that feeling.
174
00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,160
You do? Are you a homosexual?
No.
175
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,720
I'm disgusted by my own
genitals, Roberto.
176
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,640
I don't want to get another man's
involved, but good luck
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00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,760
to those lads.
Could be that your testosterone
178
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,000
levels have naturally lowered
because of your age.
179
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,800
Have you found you're
developing breasts?
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Peach melba.
181
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,080
Coming right up.
182
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,440
And then we can all go
for Christmas, can't we?
183
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:55,520
Who gave you permission
to go behind the red line?
184
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:57,280
Erm...
185
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,720
..the police gave me permission. Hm.
186
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,440
The red line authority went
from Alberto to the police.
187
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,120
Alberto always told me I would never
be able to cross the red line
188
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,880
for health and safety reasons.
189
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,680
The police have vetted me
for health and safety reasons,
190
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,720
and they have confirmed
that I am safe and...
191
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,120
..health.
192
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,400
How do you make a melba?
193
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,000
One scoop of chocolate ice cream.
194
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,440
One scoop of vanilla ice cream.
195
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,960
One scoop of peach ice cream.
196
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,360
Then cream on top of the ice cream.
197
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,400
Then white chocolate flakes
on top of the cream.
198
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,320
And then on top of the white
chocolate flakes
199
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,640
is raspberry sauce. Right.
200
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,280
And then a chocolate stick.
201
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,320
Except I get two chocolate sticks
because I'm a valued customer.
202
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,400
LOUD CLANGING
203
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:45,440
So...
204
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,520
Vanilla. But the... What's next?
205
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,520
But the... What's next?
206
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,840
Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.
207
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,640
But that's not vanilla.
208
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,880
That is banana. There is no banana.
209
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,160
OK.
210
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,800
Now there is banana residue
on my glass.
211
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:08,600
Not a problem.
212
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,880
And...vanilla.
213
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,440
Yes, but... Ah-ah. Peach.
214
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,160
It's a peach melba, after all.
215
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,760
And then...cream.
216
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:25,160
And - I haven't forgotten -
217
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,120
white chocolate flakes.
218
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,320
Thank you.
219
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,480
And next... Now raspberry sauce
in an arcing motion.
220
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,560
In a...? Arcing motion.
221
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:38,240
Or the sauce will pull.
If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.
222
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:42,040
Finally...a chocolate stick.
223
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,360
Except I get two.
Except you get
224
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:51,120
two chocolate sticks, because you
are valued customer Robert...
225
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,360
..Kendrick.
226
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,960
There is no scoop of chocolate.
You never mentioned chocolate.
227
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,720
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure
you didn't mention chocolate.
228
00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,800
Would it be helpful if I wrote
it all down for you?
229
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,440
No, it wouldn't be helpful
if you wrote it all down for me.
230
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,920
Do you find me irritating?
231
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,800
Oh, well...
You seem to find irritating.
232
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,360
I don't find you irritating.
233
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,840
Perfectly OK if you do find me
irritating. I know I can be.
234
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,880
Not...to...me.
235
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,320
The chocolate goes under
the vanilla.
236
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,920
Are you joking?
How can that be a joke?
237
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,160
It's just a fact.
238
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,640
Alberto calls the chocolate
the soil the house is built on.
239
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,920
Silly me for not knowing
the melba protocol.
240
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,320
I'd better go back to university!
241
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,680
ROBERT WHIMPERS
242
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,520
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey,
hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.
243
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,800
My fault. It was my fault.
244
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,520
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
No, no, no, no, no.
245
00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:42,840
I'll clean it up.
246
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,000
That's my job.
247
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:48,840
And then I'll make another peach
melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.
248
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,560
Who killed Alberto?
249
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,360
He was nice.
250
00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,800
Why would anyone want to kill him?
251
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,400
Do you know what playing away means?
Alberto was too obese to be
252
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,080
involved with organised sports
so I presume you mean that he was
253
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,400
having sexual intercourse with
another man's wife?
254
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,200
You do know what it means.
Of course.
255
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,800
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager
at Runcorn House, was repeatedly
256
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,800
being unfaithful to his partner...
257
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,120
..until he developed scrotal
lesions. Back on testicles again,
258
00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:27,800
Robert. If the man's wife was having
sex with Alberto,
259
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,920
then maybe that just means Alberto
was better at sex than the man.
260
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:32,960
Yeah.
261
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,520
Maybe Alberto
was good with his hands.
262
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:37,920
What's Runcorn House?
263
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:39,600
It's a placement.
264
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:41,720
A home?
I don't like calling it that.
265
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,560
It's not the right word.
266
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,800
Listen, I've got to go.
267
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:47,880
I'll give you a lift back
to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.
268
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,920
Look, I've got to go, mate.
You can't stay here.
269
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:52,640
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.
270
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,640
Are you not going to miss your
Christmas dinner?
271
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,960
The only thing I really like is
the Christmas crackers.
272
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,800
I really like the jokes!
273
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,200
What's the wettest animal
in the world?
274
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,240
A RAIN-deer!
275
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,000
Would you get me cross Santa
with a duck?
276
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,560
Christmas QUACK-ers.
CHUCKLES
277
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:13,640
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke,
you know. My father always laughed
278
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,800
at my jokes,
even if he'd heard them.
279
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,320
Was it your dad that brought
you here? Yes.
280
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:21,200
And when was that?
When I was 14.
281
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,560
You've been coming to Alberto's
all that time?
282
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,080
Yes. Every Sunday until the day
he broke my arm.
283
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,520
He what?
284
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,680
I was being stupid and not
understanding things,
285
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:32,120
so he pushed me off my chair.
286
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,960
And quite rightly too.
287
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,520
And in the hospital,
I said I fell from a ladder.
288
00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,160
But that's...that's not true,
Robert.
289
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,680
I know you're not supposed to tell
lies, but my father told me
290
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,240
this was an emergency lie.
291
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,680
Otherwise, the police would come
and take me and put me
292
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,160
in a treatment unit.
293
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,200
We carried on having peach melbas
on a Sunday for a while.
294
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,600
Until one day my dad came
and told me
295
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,880
that I had to go into a placement.
296
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,440
Oh. The place with the guy
with the bad balls.
297
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,680
No? No.
298
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,840
Listen,
299
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,480
I'm sorry he left you.
300
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,000
Why?
301
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,520
He'd just started a new job,
so he would be very busy
302
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,680
and be moving around a lot.
303
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:16,200
As soon as he settles,
he's coming to get me.
304
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,240
Right.
305
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,080
Every Sunday, my father knows
306
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,760
I'll be in Alberto's eating
peach melba ice cream.
307
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,120
He might even come today.
308
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,440
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.
309
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,960
Robert?
310
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,040
Do you think maybe
you should forget him?
311
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,520
Why would anyone want to forget
their father?
312
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,720
Maybe some fathers deserve
to be forgotten.
313
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,160
Do you not like your father? Why?
314
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,640
I suppose because once
you're a father,
315
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,840
you're not supposed to be selfish.
316
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:52,400
You know? Once you're a dad,
that comes before everything.
317
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,200
Hmm.
318
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,600
And because I always wanted a dog,
and now he's bought himself one.
319
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:23,720
ALARM BEEPS
320
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,360
Oh, come on!
321
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,840
No-one told me about this.
322
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,520
No, I'm not doing this.
323
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:52,560
No.
324
00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:57,560
DOOR LOCKS
325
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:00,760
HE GROANS
326
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,080
HE KNOCKS
327
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,040
Robert?
328
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:20,960
Robert! Robert?
329
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,760
Robert, the door's stuck!
330
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:27,560
Robert? Robert!
331
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,520
PHONE RINGS
332
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,840
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
333
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,920
Robert, thank goodness
you're still there. It's me, Wicky.
334
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,160
Who is this?
335
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,840
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just
made you the peach melba.
336
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,960
Wicky? That's a strange name.
337
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,760
It's a nickname, so... Whatever.
338
00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,800
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK?
Paul Wickstead. Right?
339
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,840
Now, listen, I'm stuck
in the freezer downstairs.
340
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,640
Is this another Christmas joke?
341
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,160
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.
342
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,440
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.
343
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,640
Robert, listen, I need you
to come downstairs
344
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,760
and open the freezer door
for me, all right?
345
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,920
But I don't have permission
to cross the red line.
346
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,640
OK, Robert, listen,
you have my permission.
347
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,760
But I need Alberto's permission.
348
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,440
But he's dead. Do you remember?
349
00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,360
So I need the police's permission,
like you got.
350
00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,920
Alberto always told me,
"Robert, no cross the..."
351
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:33,720
Robert?
352
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,200
Robert?
353
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,000
Are you still there?
354
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,080
I'm sorry.
355
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,880
Alberto was my friend.
356
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:49,120
Alberto always told me
not to cross the red line.
357
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:52,680
So I must respect his wish
now that he has gone.
358
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,680
RIP, Alberto.
359
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,560
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?
360
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,880
Robert? Robert?
361
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,960
Robert!
362
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,760
Robert! Robert!
363
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,000
PHONE RINGS
364
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,800
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
365
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,600
Good afternoon.
366
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,560
Hey, Robert. You're still there.
It's me again.
367
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,720
I don't like shouting,
so I've made you quieter now.
368
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,680
Yeah, yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.
369
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,880
Listen, I am going to need
your help to get out of this freezer
370
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,280
because it really is starting
to live up to its reputation now.
371
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,160
But I don't have permission to cross
the red line, and that is that.
372
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:53,920
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!
373
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:56,680
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?
374
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,320
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.
375
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,720
Robert, do you have your own phone?
376
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,240
Yes, I do, but
I don't use it very often.
377
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,080
The phone company keep ringing me
to ask if I want more data,
378
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,280
but I keep telling them
I've quite sufficient data,
379
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,680
thank you very much. Robert...
380
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,200
Did you know people in Finland have
unlimited access to data?
381
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,480
I couldn't give a shit.
382
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,400
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
383
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,600
Robert...
384
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,960
I don't really care about
tariffs for phones in Finland,
385
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,360
but if you want to talk about it,
386
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:26,040
we'll talk about it as
much as you like
387
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:27,560
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.
388
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:30,760
So, listen, I know
you can't cross the red line
389
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,920
and I don't want you to,
but can you do something for me?
390
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,680
Would you phone 999?
391
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,840
But that is the emergency services.
392
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,560
Yeah, because here's the thing,
393
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,640
the fat man freezing to death
is kind of an emergency.
394
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,520
I need you to call the police.
395
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,760
Has a law been broken?
396
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,040
It will be if
I ever get out of here, kid.
397
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,640
Sorry. Sorry.
398
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,440
Call the police.
399
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,240
But they will ask questions.
400
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,480
I'm not allowed to
answer police questions.
401
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,160
Remember? I promised my father.
402
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,640
I am your father!
403
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,080
What? I don't know.
404
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:05,400
I'm not thinking straight.
Call the police.
405
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,240
But if my father finds out,
he might not come back.
406
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,760
Your father is wrong, OK?
407
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,040
The police are
the right people to ring.
408
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,320
They'll know what to do.
409
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,560
Call the police. My father told me
exactly what would happen.
410
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:20,240
I would become a fugitive
from justice and have to descend
411
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:23,200
into the criminal underbelly
in order to procure false papers
412
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,880
but the police would corner me
in a warehouse... What? ..and there
413
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,120
would be a helicopter with
a spotlight, with a man with a
414
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:30,720
megaphone wearing a blue jacket...
Robert... ..with "police"
415
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,720
on the back. He would tell me I must
remain calm and that I'm surrounded
416
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,760
but there would be a sniper perched
on the roof
417
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,560
of an apartment building... Robert!
418
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,200
Yes?
419
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:44,320
Has it ever occurred to you that
your father might not be come...
420
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,240
Hey, Robert?
421
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:50,960
Is my phone up there?
422
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,000
PHONE RINGS
423
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,240
Sis. Sis!
424
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,000
Shithead. Have you been round?
425
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,360
No, no, listen.
I've got a real situation here.
426
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,880
You've got a situation?
427
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,360
The kid's throwing up
all over Nigel's mum's rug
428
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,680
and its dad is sitting in the car
listening to true crime podcasts
429
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,960
and drinking Babycham.
430
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,480
Listen. I need you.
I'm not asking for much, Wicky.
431
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:14,160
I just want you to
swallow your pride this year.
432
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,600
Who prioritises a horse raffle
over their own family?
433
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,000
It's got nothing to do
with a horse raffle. Listen...
434
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,520
Oh, God, the bloody kid's
throwing up Haribos again.
435
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,200
Step away from the bloody rug!
436
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,400
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
437
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,640
Sis! I sometimes think
that you got it right, you know,
438
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,160
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.
439
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,680
If you don't want to do that,
write him a letter or something.
440
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:36,560
Sis! Put him out of his misery.
You owe him that at least.
441
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,080
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
442
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,080
DISCONNECT TONE
Sis!
443
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,240
Thank you.
444
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,000
PHONE RINGS
445
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:25,800
Robert Kendrick?
446
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,760
I thought it might be you.
447
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,000
That's what it says
on the front of this letter.
448
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,200
Robert Kendrick.
449
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,960
I don't understand.
450
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,480
I found a letter.
451
00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:43,560
On the front, it says, "To Robert
Kendrick, from his father."
452
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,560
A letter from my father? But how?
453
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:53,240
I don't know. I guess maybe
he gave it to Alberto to look after
454
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,200
and during the fight maybe it fell
out of his pocket or something.
455
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,640
Something like that.
456
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:00,480
What does the letter say?
457
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,240
I don't have permission to open it.
458
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,000
Opening other people's mail is...
It's a criminal offence.
459
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,760
And I don't have permission, Robert.
460
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:08,560
You have my permission.
461
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,280
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm
afraid. I need written permission
462
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,880
or the judge would throw
the book at me.
463
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,640
Then I'd get into a shoot-out
with the police, Robert, you know?
464
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:17,760
What book would the judge throw?
465
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,640
The Bible.
466
00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:27,840
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells
467
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,360
Please. Please. Please.
468
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,840
One...
469
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,200
..two...
470
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,720
..three...
471
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,440
..four...
472
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,440
..five...
473
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,680
..six...
474
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:58,280
Hello, Robert Kendrick.
475
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,680
You lied to me.
476
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,560
There's no letter.
477
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:12,760
Oh, no! What did I do
with that letter?
478
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,320
You're a liar.
479
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:18,400
No. I just must have
dropped it down there.
480
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:19,640
I'll get it.
481
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,280
There.
482
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,680
Uh... I thought I might
read it for you, if you...
483
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,800
"Dear Robert, this is your father."
484
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,240
Oh, it is him.
485
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,360
"I wanted to write this letter
to tell you how proud I am of you.
486
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,280
"I'll bet that you've come
for ice cream every single Sunday
487
00:24:56,280 --> 00:24:58,400
"since we said goodbye."
488
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,600
He remembers.
489
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:05,560
"You're reliable, Robert.
And that will always help you.
490
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:10,320
"I hope you understand that
sometimes it's hard being a parent.
491
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:13,440
"I know I promised
I would come back, but sometimes
492
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:17,360
"life gets in the way, and
it breaks your promises for you.
493
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:21,800
"I want you to know that
life is full of possibilities.
494
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,520
"Go off and enjoy yours
495
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,040
"and know that, even
though my work has kept us apart,
496
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,840
"I am always thinking about you.
497
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,440
"By the way, I found out
that I'm lactose intolerant,
498
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,640
"which is another reason why
I can never return to Alberto's.
499
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,400
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.
500
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:44,240
"Maybe that's why I was
so angry in the past." Ah.
501
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:48,600
"Take care, with love, your father."
502
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,760
Well, that was lovely.
503
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,440
That last bit seemed a bit rushed
but it's, it's lovely.
504
00:25:56,160 --> 00:25:57,480
Yes, I liked it.
505
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,560
May I see it? Hmm?
506
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,600
The letter? May I see it?
507
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,240
If you want to.
508
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:08,040
I do. It's your letter. If you
want to see it, you can see it.
509
00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:19,080
I think when you're emotional,
it can affect your handwriting.
510
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:28,880
It's a nice letter.
511
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,280
It is a nice letter.
512
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,920
Thank you, Wicky.
513
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,440
But he's not coming back, is he?
514
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:46,120
I don't think so, Robert.
515
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:53,200
So, what are your Christmas plans?
516
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,240
Between now and 5:42, I mean.
517
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,440
KNOCKING
518
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,840
Son.
519
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,600
Dad.
520
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,360
I've, um... I brought a new friend.
521
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,680
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
522
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,200
Hello, Robert.
523
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,360
I've got a new friend as well.
524
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:26,160
I can't believe you bought a dog.
525
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:28,560
You always wanted one, didn't you?
526
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:31,280
You remembered.
527
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:36,560
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS
528
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,000
No. Your sister's only
just told me.
529
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,720
Better watch him,
he's a piss machine.
530
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:49,360
Where are you going?
531
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:50,560
Lock-in at the pub.
532
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:53,600
There's a horse up for grabs
in Weasel's raffle.
533
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,440
You should have got a ticket.
534
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,320
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.
535
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:03,400
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.
536
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:06,880
There we are. Thanks.
537
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,520
Cracker? Yeah.
538
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,520
Hey! Hey, I win!
539
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:11,960
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.
540
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,480
What's the joke? What's the joke?
541
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,600
What do reindeers hang
on their Christmas trees?
542
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:16,920
Dunno.
543
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:18,520
ROBERT LAUGHS
544
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,040
I don't know, Robert!
545
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,640
Robert, what's the punchline?
546
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,800
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING
40323
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