All language subtitles for Postal.2007.hoetinkhof79

Tower two.

Stand by.

That's affirmative.

Congratulations, Nabi.

We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.

- Praise Allah.
- Praise him!

Soon we will be greeted by
Allah, the one true god,

and by the cheers of our forefathers

and by 99 perfect virgins
who will worship us

for all eternity!

- I thought it was 100.
- What's that?

100 virgins, they promised me 100.

99, 100, what's the difference?

If they're telling you one thing

and they're telling me another,

maybe they don't know for sure.

Maybe.

Maybe the exact number of
virgins is not precise.

I mean, if it's in the
90s, I can live with that.

Or 75.

Hey, I'm not greedy,
but what if it's 10?

Well.

What if it's 10, but we
have to split them between us?

Then you'll have five more virgins

than you have right now, right?

We're talking about eternity here!

How long will five virgins
last you? Maybe a month?

They're not going to be
virgins for long, right?

Look, would it make you feel better

if we called the big guy?

- Yes.
- Take the stick.

Okay.

It's ringing.

Osama, yes, it's Asif.

No, we're on it.

It was fine, but security
takes forever, you know?

What are you going to do?

Anyway, look, Anabi has a question.

- Will you talk to him?
- No!

You talk to him!

Hello! Yes.

Uh, it's about the virgins.

Really? It was 100 when I signed up.

Await further instructions, 117.

He said it's not that many anymore.

Too many martyrs, not
enough virgins to go around.

You've got to be kidding me.

Does he know where we are here?

Give me the phone.

Take the stick.

Osama, it's Asif.

Right now, can you tell
me the number, absolutely,

that you can guarantee Nabi and myself,

as far as virgins are concerned?

No, that's fine.

Do it! Come on, man!

He can't guarantee more than 20.

Open the goddamn door,

- you bastards!
- Open it!

We're
gonna fucking kill you,

you motherfucker!

- Lying pieces of shit!
- Open the door!

Open this, fucker!

Screw this, right?

I'm glad you said it first.

Okay, get on the
intercom to the passengers.

We are changing course for the Bahamas.

Bahamas!

We're going to the Bahamas!

- We're going to the Bahamas!
- Shut up!

Again expanded
the definition of marriage.

This time to include any union

between a man and a
woman, a man and a man,

a woman and a woman, a man and a collie,

or a woman, a Polish
sausage, and a long weekend.

- The standoff with Mr.
- Cruise has now stretched

into its eighth day.

Cruise continues to insist

that police are violating his parental

and religious freedoms, citing
human sacrifice as essential

Today on "Good Morning Paradise,"

mayoral candidate Eugene Welles joins us

to talk about the new political landscape,

and the newest toy craze
of the year, Krotchy dolls.

Stay tuned. It's gonna
be a super-dupe show.

Turn down that fucking TV!

I can't hear my show.

Yeah, nothing's good on anyway.

Just, uh, preparing for my interview.

Fight! Aw, you fight like a pussy.

No one's gonna hire your sorry ass.

Why don't you go suck up
to your Uncle Dave already?

God damn it!

What the hell is going on out there?

Nothing.

Make sure you
pick up that welfare check!

Kiss, kiss, sweetie pie.

Fat, son of a.

Come on! Come on!

No. Bad boy.

Bad boy. I told you,
no poopies in our yard.

No poopies in this yard.

You only poop in the
next-door neighbor's yard.

- Feces in the yard.

That's a violation of trailer-park
ordinance number 101-40.

Stop eating the poop.

I'll add that to the list.

The, the list? The list.

Great. The list.

What else? What else you got on the list?

Ordinance number 143-11.

Yesterday around lunchtime.

Now, I don't care what you
two do in your own bedroom,

but ordinance number 143-11 says

if I hear your lewd
lovemaking after 10:00 AM,

I get to file a grievance
against your sorry ass,

which is exactly what I'm gonna do!

Oh. Oh.

Oh, okay.

Well, at least I wasn't boning
my sister, you inbred hick.

Oh, for your information, hillbilly,

I wasn't even here yesterday afternoon.

- I hate this town.
- Matt!

- Whatever!
- This fucking sucks.

And nasa,

the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration,

does not exist.

All the space missions
that we've heard about

since we were little kids in school,

creations of Hollywood.

We did not land on the moon.

There is no John Glenn.

Well, there's a John Glen who's a senator.

Hey, hello? You, professor.

What is this, a reading library?

Yeah, yeah. Two minutes, buddy.

Ah, no two minutes now.

- You buy now, or bye-bye.
- Bye-dee num, num.

Ah, go on, bye-bye.

- Go on.
- Bye-bye, you bye-bye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

- Don't let the door-
- Hey.

Hit you on the way out.

Daddy, Mohammed says

he needs to talk to you again.

What about?

What else?

Okay, so, what did she
say about me exactly?

That slut.

My brother.

Any police come around
today? Anything suspicious?

No, nothing, Mohammed.

Trust me, you are safely hidden here

for as long as you want.

Well, that may not be for much longer.

Oh?

We have news from Afghanistan.

News? Oh.

It is all coming together.

The shipment left three days ago.

Oh, praise Allah.

- When will be it here?
- Tomorrow!

The time has come for
us to place our swords

to the genitals of the infidels.

Whoo-hoo.

I see you noticed the
heads. Motivational.

Those are every fucking bastard

that I had to climb over to get this job.

Jesus.

Foul. They're papier-mache.

They're, he thought they were real.

Sit down.

Let's get started.

So, I hope you don't mi

I hope you don't mind the recording.

Uh, we're gonna use it as training later.

All right?

- Yeah, yeah.

That's good.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

It's, uh. The chair is actually.

All right, well, we're on a time clock,

so let's get started, shall we?

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

Well. Um, so, I'm here for the job, sir.

Right. You're a factory worker.

I was, I was a factory worker,

but the factory got closed down,

so I got laid off, and

I've interviewed 15
other people for this job.

What makes you think
you're better than them?

Well, I don't know if
I am better than them.

Well, goddamn it, pal.

If you want this job, you
better reach out and grab it.

You better put those
fucking heads on the wall.

You know what, fuck it.
Let's go to the questions.

What is your greatest strength?

Um, I'm a really good team player.

Wrong.

What is your biggest weakness?

Um, I'd say I work too hard.

Wrong.

How would you move a
mountain using only a spoon?

- A spoon?
- If you were in a box,

how would you think outside it?

Uh, it's.

- Well, if you're in a-
- Wrong.

Last question.

What is the difference between a duck?

And?

What the hell is wrong with you people?

A- a duck? I don't.

Yeah, I came here for a job, a job!

As far as I know, that
job has nothing to do

with a cock sucking, motherfucking duck!

Congratulations, pal.

You're our leading candidate.

How's it feel?

- It feels good.
- No, no, no, no, no.

How, how's it feel?

How does it feel?

I mean, how's it feel

to put fucking 15 heads on that wall?

I'll tell you how it feels.

It feels fucking great, doesn't it?

Fucking great, like .

So, I got it? I got the job?

Oh, hell, no. No, no, no.

This was just a like a
getting-to-know-you interview.

Oh, yeah, no, no, we have,
we have a couple of more

- 120.
- Yeah, we have some,

uh, more, more candidates to, uh, talk to.

But hell of a start, though. Absolutely.

Last thing before you go.

I'd like you to sing
the company fight song.

We'll get back to you.

I hate this town.

- Brothers and sisters.

I am proud to introduce to you

the one!

Hold up your energies for Uncle Dave!

Good group, good group.

Welcome to the Denomination
of Organic Monotheism.

I congratulate you all
on taking the first step

to freedom by completing
your training program.

Obviously, you've come
to the correct conclusion

that the American dream
is not a dream for you.

- That's right!
- In fact, it is a nightmare!

A nightmare that soon will be engulfed

in the all-encompassing
flames of God's damnation!

Yeah!

Pious people in the house, say, oh!

Oh!

- Who loves God?
- We do!

- David?

Oh, yeah, initiation.

I love this part.

No, no, Richie, no, no, this is,

this is just, this is
just inner-sanctum stuff,

strictly ritualistic.

Uh, Uncle Dave, uh, sorry to bother you,

but we, we've got some
rather important business.

The girls.

They need to go.

Okay.

Children, it appears
that Brother Richard here

has to, uh, commingle our, our energies.

- Sweetie.
- Let's go!

- Come one, ladies, move.
- Sweetie.

- Move.
- Uh! There we go.

- But I want more communion.

Oh, we'll do communion,

I promise, it's my
favorite meal of the day.

- Don't worry about it.
- That's nice.

- Now go.
- I love that.

Oh, hello.

Oh, God bless it.

Ah, Richie, what the fuck
is it? What's the problem?

We're having something
of a cash-flow problem.

What the fuck you talking about, Richie?

Did you see all those
recruits out there today?

It's true.

Membership and donations
are at an all-time high,

and we got more tail running
around here than the,

than the Playboy Mansion, but it's.

Yeah? So, then what's the problem, Rich?

Well, it's the IRS.

Yeah? Well, what do they want?

Uh, it seems we haven't
paid our taxes in three years.

So what, man?

I tried to explain, of course,

that with our continued expectation
of the end of the world,

it's difficult to justify contributing

to long-term programs like Medicare

or Social Security, but, um.

Apparently even a selective
tax payment is not an option.

Oh, come on, Richie, you know
I don't like to micromanage.

What the fuck do we do
about this, all right?

- Well.
- Huh?

What's your plan?

We pay
them or, uh.

We pay them, or everything is all over.

The weenie whacking, the pantless parties,

the tacos, everything.

And you, you go to jail.

- So, how much do we owe?
- Hmm.

$1.3 million

and 79 cents.

Oh, fuck, Rich.

Oh, d-d-don't despair, Uncle Dave.

When the government slams the doors shut,

G-0-D always opens a window.

Wow, that's a beautifully
retarded sentiment, Richie.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to be alone.

Well, if you need
me, I'm in the other room.

It seems pretty unlikely, Rich.

Unfortunately, the
supply of Krotchy dolls

can't meet the demand, and
parents and children alike

have been lining up for weeks
to get their hands on them.

We'll be back in two
minutes. See you then.

Hey, yo, pal!

Come here. Help me out with a few bucks.

Yeah, I, I don't have any money.

Come on, come on, I'm serious.

Come over here.

I need a few bucks to get
a bus to go see my kids.

I, yo, I don't have. Sorry,
I don't have any money.

Hey, come here. Come here.

I wanna talk. Come here!

Get the fuck outta here.

I'm sick and tired of
people like you, you know?

You got a good job. You got a big car.

You got everything and I got nothing.

Well, fuck you, and fuck
everybody who even looks like you!

Get the fuck outta here!

I'll
fucking knock you out, pal.

It's green!

Look, you can make the light!

Hey! Come on!

You can make the light! Come on, bitch!

Goddamn.

She could have made the fucking light.

Maybe she forget her glass.

- You say glass?
- Yes.

You say glass, you
Frankfurt-eating motherfucker?

I bought all these goddamn
English CD's for you

to say fucking glass?

It's glasses.

You fucking foreigners come over here

you fuck up the language, and this bitch

is fucking up the traffic!

- Calm down, Greg.
- You fucking calm down!

This flat-ass bitch comes over here,

she takes over the convenience stores,

and they eat up all our goddamn dogs!

Go and help her. Come on.

- What's the hold up?
- You're right.

I'm trippin'.

I'm just gonna get out the car

and make sure she's doing okay, yes?

She's a old lady.

I feel bad now.

- Hi.
- Hi.

The light is green.

The light is green.

You could have went through the light.

The light turned gr.

What you say?

What'd you say, bitch?

Why don't you stir-fry that?

Holy fuck!

Man, what happened over there?

I think she called me nigger.

Whoo-hoo!

Whoa-ho-ho! Did you see that?

Yeah.

One date with me, she'll look

like she's been hit
with a mayonnaise truck.

That's right, Mr. Stick um.

Yeah, I hope she comes back.

You gotta hold on. Thank you.

- Okay.
- All set?

- Yes.
- What do you got?

I will have a medium.

No, you know
what? I'm gonna have a large.

I'll have a large mocha.

- Okay.
- No.

No, you know what? Maybe
a, maybe a vanilla.

Okay.

Wait, what, what do you
think goes better with bagels?

You had 10 minutes to
make up your fucking mind!

What is it with you people?

Can somebody please tell me?

I mean, we sell coffee.

That's it, nothing else.

You're not buying a car, I mean, right?

Make a fucking decision, huh?

How about it? I know, here we go.

You're gonna have a regular coffee.

Careful, the beverage
you're about to enjoy

is extremely hot.

Next?

Uh.

What?

I, um, two lattes, no foam, please.

Believe this is the first
time you've ever been here.

Ah-huh.

I mean, all these fucking
idiots calling me Uncle Dave,

and here I am, I actually
am your Uncle Dave.

Yeah.

So, when was
the last time I saw you?

The bachelor party, right
before the wedding night.

Oh, fuck, yeah, right. That was fun.

I wonder if that donkey survived.

Well, what do you think of the place?

Ah, it's, it's amazing.

Yeah. I kinda owe
it all to you, you know?

Me?

Well, we always talked about

running a con like this, right?

- Mm.
- You know,

about how gullible people are,
how they'll believe anything

if you just tell it to
them a couple of times?

Anyway, I just took all that talk,

put it into action, pushed
it to the next level,

and here I fucking am.

Man.

I just can't believe it, you know?

Yeah.

You know, it's funny you
showing up here like this.

You know, ‘cause I find myself in a,

in a financial situation.

And I have a plan for getting out of it,

but I could use a partner.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

I know where this is going, Uncle Dave.

I, I don't do that type of shit anymore.

Come on, it'd be like old times.

Remember when we stole the flag
from the Governor's mansion?

Twice.

Yeah. And this plan,
it's foolproof, man.

I got arrested the second time.

Well, that plan wasn't foolproof.

Yeah, they prosecuted me

under the new flag protection amendment

and with that on my record, I couldn't get

into a good college or get a good job or.

I pretty much just play by the rules.

Look, man, nobody plays
by the rules, all right?

You bend 'em or you break 'em.

Anything else is just slow death.

Yeah, that's what it feels like.

Yeah. All right, well, fuck it, man.

I never push you to do anything, right?

I always let you go your own way.

- Yeah.
- Besides,

it's working out great for you, right?

I mean, you got the beautiful
wife, the nice home.

If you change your mind,
though, you let me know.

Here, have a souvenir ashtray.

Thanks.

Now, you're
gonna get a welfare check

for $168, right?

You give me that check-
Fuck you, man.

I'll give you
$250 worth of food stamps.

You understand what I'm saying?
You made your profit there.

This is a good deal, pal.

It's a fucking great deal.

- Shit.
- That's $82.

$82. You're good at math.

Hey, that's you. You're next.

Here, use my pen.

Use my pen and don't forget to date it.

23-6.

Hey, have you heard

that since the United States
has closed their borders

they're getting rid of
the Statue of Liberty?

I don't understand you.

All that scrap copper's
gonna be for sale.

I don't want copper! You go away!

- Wrong form.
- What?

Wrong form!

Look, I don't care what
form I have, all right?

I'm not leaving here

- until I get my money!
- That's it buddy,

come on, hey, buddy, let's go.

- Come on.
- Where's the pen?

Where's my pen?

Hey, come here. He's got my pen.

Hey! Hey!

Oh God!

Got a fucking gun!

Hey!

Fuck me!

Gone mad, just get down! Get down!

That does it! Don't do it!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't do it! Don't do it!

I need backup!

Sweet.

More fucking backup!

Number 25!

Jesus Christ!

Here. Right here.

- Sorry, we're closed.

Stop pushing.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

Come on!

Give it to me, Daddy.

Give it to your bad girl.

Oh, yes! Give it to me!

Oh, oh yes!

I'll be back in a second, sweet cheeks.

Hi, neighbor.

Guess I won't be needing that
grievance after all, huh?

Okay.

Got to find the wet spot.

Leave the welfare check on the counter.

Oh, yeah. There.

Oh, yeah. Oh!

Yes. Oh!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Get me a large bottle of cooking oil.

The extra-virgin kind!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, oh, oh yes! Oh!

Please, Uncle Dave, please,
just a few hundred bucks,

just, just enough to get me
out of this fuck hole town

for the rest of my life, please?

Hey, sport.

Last chance. Come on.

Help me out with a few bucks.

I don't have anything.

Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to, huh?

What, you think I'm
stupid or something, huh?

Listen, you're not gonna help
me out, I'll help out myself.

Open up the wallet.

Dude, who you talking to?

No.

Let go of my gun.

What's the matter with you?

Bro, you still there? Hey, bro?

Hey, while I got you, I got to ask you.

W- what do you think of those,

those, uh, mileage rewards programs?

What's the matter with you? Let go.

No!

You know what, I think
you could use those miles

anytime to get tickets, right?

But uh, you know, I tried,

and you can't use them at Christmas.

- Last chance.
- No.

- Gimme the gun!
- No.

Aw, shit, sport.

It's like at every
holiday it's blacked out.

Like, anytime you wanna
use the fucking things,

it's blacked out.

I mean, that's bullshit, isn't it?

- Dave?
- Yeah?

I'm in.

You are?

Oh, fuck, that's great, man.

But you know what?

You caught me at kind of a
busy time right now, so, uh.

We, the people under Allah,

give you a new beacon of strength

against the great Satan of the West.

They believe we are weakened,

but in only a few days
we will strike a blow

against America so swift and terrible

that the evil ones will
collapse once and for all.

We are asking those of
the true faith to wait,

pray, and praise Allah when
the glorious slaughter begins.

And cut!

Wonderful scene, Sammy.

Just wonderful! You truly
outdid yourself this time.

You, you hold the, the screen.

You, you are forceful, yet unbelievable.

I almost cried in the middle there.

You have such a, a star quality.

Can't put it into words.

You are a true superstar.

Your voice, your, your
eyes, they were popping.

What?

Don't you know

I'm lactose intolerant?

Are you trying to kill me?

Who writes this shit?

They're not listening anymore, Mohammed.

I tell them about Allah and glory.

And what do I get?

What do I get every damn time?

Virgins.

Ding ding ding ding ding ding.

Nobody wants to die anymore
unless they get virgins.

But no one has to die this time.

That is the genius of the shipment.

Oh, the shipment! Oh, big whoop!

What is it this time,
more Anthrax?

Sammy, Sammy, why do
you have to be like that?

Remember the thing with the
planes a few years back?

Do you remember that, hm?

Do you remember that?

Come on, do you remember that?

Child's play! Tomorrow is
when we really make our mark.

You, me and the shipment of Krotchy dolls.

I'm gonna go watch Oprah.

She's looking good these days.

The diet is working.

I will do anything it takes

to get the fuck out of Paradise!

Anything, anything!

Okay.

Take me up the ass.

- Just kidding.
- Oh.

No, no, here, here.

You know these things?

Krotchy dolls?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, who hasn't?

Biggest show on TV, number one.

Oh, and the guy who does the voice for it,

he's some big international star, right?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

All that matters

is everybody wants one
of those dolls, right?

But sadly, the Chinese tanker
bringing them over here sank.

They were able to save
about 100,000 dolls.

Unfortunately, none of
the crew was rescued.

So what, there's not enough dolls?

Check this out, man.

One of these dolls sold at
auction this morning for $4,000.

Fuck me.

Yeah.

And, and 2,000.

Times $4,000 is, uh.

- Is 8, uh-
- That's like.

No, it's 800.

- No.
- It's 8. You move.

Well, if it's, if it's three zeros here.

You move the decimal back.

I don't think, no, well, wait.

- Or.
- It's a fucking lot of money!

Oh, it's an ass-load of money.

Dude, a couple of asses.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So what do you want out of me?

Come up with the plan.

‘Cause if you remember the
whole flag-stealing thing,

that was my plan.

That sucked.

It had certain structural flaws.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

What we got to do is we got to,

we got to go to little Germany.

Yeah.

And we gotta break in there,

and we gotta, uh, get the dolls,

and we gotta, we gotta
bring 'em back here.

So we're gonna need some sort of a, uh.

- Truck.
- Truck!

A truck would be good.

Uh, one they can't trace back to us.

Right.

Ah-ha.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- You got an idea?
- I got, yeah,

I got something.

- No, it's gone.
- Oh.

George W. Bush is a sham.

He's an actor, that's
not even his real name.

And this is what the

He knows too much.

Mohammed, he's crazy.

He suspects nothing.

I'm sorry.

You are a good man, Habib,

but we are at a critical
point in the plan,

and we must take no chances.

No.

Goodbye, Heaven Tarts, Sugar Logs,

Powdered Flakes and Sweetie Os.

Goodbye, low-calorie fudge ice cream.

Allah!

How much is this?

Harry!

You got my money, Harry?

What you got for us today, Harry, huh?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Harry, come on.

You've been out here for two hours and.

Donating.

H- help the retards.

Do with $13, you motherfucker? Let's go.

What? Oh, okay, I thought
you said something.

Was I talking to you? 5s and 10s only.

No bath this month, you son of a bitch.

I put some extra nutrients in your dinner,

you're gonna like it.

Let me see, come on.

Mm, good isn't it?

All right, baby.

Well uh, goodnight, big day tomorrow okay?

All right.

What?

Oh, I'm trippin".

Sorry, buddy.

It does get cold in my
garage late at night.

All right. Night, Harry.

Welcome to Little
Germany amusement park,

entertainment center for Paradise City.

Now, tomorrow the major
media event will happen here

at the stage, celebrating the unveiling

of the Krotchy dolls.

The huge international
star of "The Krotchy Show"

will be there and that
is when we'll strike!

Oh!

Dave and I will be in the truck,

accessing the employee entrance.

Are you sure that your insider

will be able to get us inside?

He's both a high-ranking
parking lot manager

and a loyal member to the flock.

Now, I noticed there's a lot of security

between the draw-bridge
and the store room.

Now, how do we get through unnoticed?

With a distraction!

We're gonna fuck with

the international
superstar's transportation.

Yeah, by the time he gets in there

he's gonna be so royally pissed, man.

You know how people jump
on a VIP that's pissed off.

You are a blessing upon us, my brother.

It is as it was foretold in the good book.

"And then there will
come one amongst them,

an apostle who carries
within him the holy torch

of righteousness."

"He will lead us out of the
clutches of consumerism."

Mm-hmm - Mm-hmm.

You wrote a fucking
bible for these people?

Group C rappels down and takes the dolls

from the storeroom.

Group E must control the perimeter,

as our intelligence indicates

that another organization

may be after the dolls, as well.

I'l get that.

Bin Laden.

Hello? It's your dime.

Osama, you old fucker. It's GW.

You know how many innocent
people we've had to torture

trying to get a lead on you?

So it's not my fault.

What is it, Georgie?

I, uh, kind of busy here.

You know how Pops has those
oil pipelines in Saudi Arabia?

I'm wondering if we ought
to file an insurance claim.

You know, after the whole thing blows up.

All right, well, drop me an e-mail,

tell me what pipe you're talking about,

and I'll blow it all the way to Mecca.

We'd really appreciate it.

I'll ask Laura to type that up.

Hee, you know me and
spelling and all.

All right, later.

Jihad!

First they promise me a private jet.

Then they send me a freakin' bus?

Jesus, don't they know

I'm an international superstar?

Jesus!

Lord Jesus.

Paradise, eight miles? God!

Motherfuckers.

Shotgun!

Wait for us!

Let's go! Go, go, go go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm telling you, Mohammed,

I know I've seen that gas station before.

We're lost.

We are not lost.

All gas stations look alike.

What's wrong with you?

Will you just pull over
and ask for directions?

Get off my back! You know,
I'm doing my best here, okay?

I should be driving.

What, do you think
you're gonna do everything?

Be the face of the organization
and also do the driving?

What is wrong with you?

I'm here at the theme
park Little Germany

with owner and controversial
director Uwe Boll.

Uwe, you made your fortune
turning video games

into hit movies, but this theme park

has always been your passion,

and today is a big day for Little Germany.

Absolutely.

I'm totally happy that that
freighter went down from China

with all the Krotchy dolls,

so we are the only people in North America

having the Krotchy dolls
exclusively here on sale.

Yay!

All right, what is all this shit, man?

Ooh, Harry, it's time to go to work.

Get your hat on. Let me see.

Yeah! Watch this, watch this.

Say, "Will work for food" in German.

You the shit.

All right, go on, now.

All right, no ones.

That's my motherfucker right there.

Watch out for the flowers, Harry.

But I wanna use that situation
here where I'm live on TV

and I wanna explain a
little about the financing

of my movies and also from Little Germany,

where the money comes from.

Because you know there
are all that rumors out

that my movies are financed with Nazi gold

and what should I say?

It's true.

But somebody must do
something with that money.

Ja!

I get a little horny
here on stage sometimes,

if I see the crowd and all the children.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Master, allow me.

What about me?

Do your job. Stupid.

Oh, what, are you gonna fire me?

For saying fuck?

Well, fucky, fuck, fuck you, Dan.

I'm the fucking show.

You mind if I go to work now? Thank you.

Five, four. I got shit in my teeth?

Thank you.

Hi, we're live in Little
Germany in Paradise.

It's an amazing sight.

The crowd is trembling with excitement.

People have been lining up for days

to be the first to get their hands

on the coveted Krotchy dolls.

Over to you on the red carpet, Gayle.

Thanks, Bob.

It really is incredible here.

As you know, international
superstar Verne Troyer

will be arriving any moment now.

He's the voice of Krotchy in the cartoons

and the video game.

Ladies, today we do God's work,

so get in there and give
those boys a God job.

Yes, sir.

Hey, boys.

- That's beautiful.
- I know.

Uh-oh.

Looks like I'm gonna get a burn.

Oops.

- Atta girl.
- Yeah.

Oh, God.

They're so creepy.

- Yeah, so?
- Come on, boys!

You know, can, can
you guys gimme a hand?

There's four of them and one of me. Yeah.

Okay.

Whoo!

Oh, yes!

Oh, you sexy little
motherfucker.

Gayle, is that Verne's limo?

Uh, I can't see, Bob.

There seems to be a
pickup truck in the way.

A pickup truck? Well, that's classy.

Hey, man.

I just can't possibly explain how,

how unbelievably sorry we are, Mr. Troyer.

I personally will take full responsibility

for this confusion with the pickup.

I don't want you fired.

I want your fucking boss fired.

This is Anne Frank. Go, Hitler Two.

- Copy?
- Ja.

I'm in position.

Ja, VIP is arriving as we speak.

Why do you sound all queer?

I'm using a
German accent, I'm undercover.

Stop it!

He's kinda retarded, huh?

Yeah. He's very loyal.

Retards are, really.

Ladies. So, what did
you do with the guards?

They're all worn out.

Hm!

What happened? What is it?

He did a poo-poo in my mouth.

Aww, baby, come here.

Come here, baby. Listen to me.

Listen. Listen to me, listen to me.

Don't whine. It's very unattractive, okay?

I tell you this 'cause I love you.

All right?

There we go, there we go, come on.

All right. Okay, ladies.

Get to work on lifting the crates.

This is great.

That means that the whole park is busy

with the pissed-off VIP.

That means my plan is genius!

Yeah.

You all look very pretty.

Very pretty.

Come on, cowboy up. Cowboy up!

Y'all on the team.

It's locked.

There must be another way in!

Where's my money, as swipe?

I have even better. Gold teeth.

Wait a second. Take it back.

Hello, Paradise.

Help me, Krotchy.

I'm a beautiful lady. Help me.

Well, you know what the
good and noble Krotchy

says about people in need.

Only my father and
my priest can touch me there.

Uncle Dave, look out!

What the fuck? Get to the truck!

We'll meet you out front. Come on!

Anne Frank, you better
have some chaos out there.

We're coming your way!

This is Anne Frank. Abort mission!

You come down here, you'll
be arrested in a second!

You are the envy of the entire country.

Give us the dolls, infidel.

Anne Frank, we need a distraction.

We need a distraction now!

The fat man is at the buffet.

What?

Repeat, the fat man is at the buffet.

What the hell
are you talking about?

The van is here, you idiot.

You are the first city to receive

the officially licensed Krotchy doll.

Oh, powerful Lord, hear my plea.

Boll, I'm Vince Desi.

What the fuck you do to my game Postal?

I don't know what
your fucking problem is.

The movie is great.

Oh, shit!

Officers, you realize
there's a huge fight

going on on stage right now?

Yeah.

- Anne Frank,

we're coming your way now!

Party's over.

Freaking Nazi motherfucker!

Get your hands off me!

For video games!

No! He shot Harry!

You son of a bitch!

- Let's go!
- Be careful.

Harry! I'm gonna help you, baby!

Whoa!

I hate video games.

Let's get the hell out of here!

Get out of the way!

Oh, my shit!

I'm
ss
so
ry
!

What are you doing with my shit?

I'm a huge fan.

Let me give you a hand with that.

- Leave it alone.
- 1 had no idea you be c.

A dildo on a stick?

- Hey, that's mine.
- That's crazy!

Let me see if I can help
you get everything in!

- What are you doing?

Jesus! What the fuck?

Goddamn! What.

God. I'm in my fucking suitcase.

Go, go!

Richard, what the fuck?

It's a present.

Hey! Assholes!

Uh. Coffee shop.

Lattes, no foam.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I got to go.

Why did you bring him?

Mind your own business
and get us out of here!

Shut up, you big crybaby.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hey!

Move, move, move, move. Go, go, go.

Let's go, baby.

Where is the damn key?

You don't have the keys?

I thought you had the keys.

It's like
when you were a kid.

Sometimes it helps to retrace your steps.

Oh, Mohammed!

- You're under arrest!

You killed Harry!

Start shooting, John.

Do something. Shit!

Harry wasn't hurting nobody.

What the fuck am I gonna do

with all those damn diapers I bought him?

You're stepping on my thing! Oh!

Brother Tariq knows one of
the offender's female cohorts.

Already he is on his way to the residence

to intercept and capture them!

Allah be praised!

Now you will give your lives
to avenge this outrage.

Or we could just kill the other guys.

Yeah!

Jesus Christ, can
you control this thing?

Yes!

Watch where you're going!

- I think I'm gonna-
- Oh, God.

Oh-oh. It's the moo cow
from the welfare office.

Sorry, we're closed.

Bitch!

What was that?

Oh!

I thought we had a flat, but
we just ran over some girl.

Whew! Thank God.

Got a body on Maple.

Tag 22, please
repeat your location.

Maple, like the syrup.

Oh, this is fucking fantastic.

Oh, my God, these kids are heavy!

Okay. All right.

Gary! Wait, just wait, wait.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Roll it, Gary.

Make me a star.

This is Gayle Ravenson reporting live

from Little Germany theme park,

on what will for evermore be known

as the place where the laughter died.

Celebrity icon Verne Troyer

is currently missing or presumed dead.

The coward responsible for this massacre

has been described as a rodent-like man

with red hair and wearing a peace T-shirt.

Back to you, Bob.

Oh, that's right.

You're dead.

These kids are starting to smell.

I can't believe I took this fucking job.

Fucking bullshit.

Goddamn it.

This helps.

Definitely helps.

We need to get him inside immediately,

along with the merchandise!

Yes. Jesus, titty-fuck,
they're already here.

Now what do we do?

That was the safest
place in all of Paradise.

You guys don't have like a bomb shelter

or a basement or something like that,

that the Taliban couldn't
have found themselves, right?

- No, we don't.
- We do.

- What?
- We do.

There's a massive underground shelter

beneath the main compound.

It's perfect.

You know what would be perfect?

My foot up your ass.

Who the fuck are you people?

What the fuck did you bring him for?

You'll see, Uncle Dave.

Do you think we can sneak him past

the Taliban without them finding out?

We could try. But do
we do about the truck?

I'll take care of the truck.

Wait a minute, why don't I know

about this shelter, Richie?

And where the fuck are you
gonna hide my Krotchy dolls?

In plain sight.

Somebody grab the little guy.

Come on, little guy.

What the fuck's going on?

- Come on.
- Okay. Shut up.

- Come on, let's go.
- Come on.

Citizens of this great nation, town,

be on the lookout for this psychopath,

deranged killer, also known as

- Postal Dude.
- Postal Dude.

That's the best we could
come up? Postal Dude.

He's wanted in conjunction
with the kidnapping,

the shooting at the welfare office,

the assassination of Candidate Welles.

And killing a Chinese woman.

He killed a poor, innocent Chinese lady.

So if you see him

You ever just have one of those days?

Mm, no.

Hey, hey! The Postal Dude!

- Get him!
- Hey, come on!

Uh, I don't think that's him.

See how his hair flows, though?

This guy looks more like Jesus.

Shit. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Let's go!

Thank you!

This way!

Get him! Come on!

Hey, which way did he go?

- This way!
- This way!

Why did you help him?

Wanna clean the windows again?

Yeah, fuck.

Hold it!

Up against the wall now!

Huh? Looks like I bagged
me the Postal Dude.

Goddamn! You son of a bitch!

I think you busted my nose!

Oh, fuck! You fucking asshole!

I'm gonna fuck you up!

Sorry.

I think he went that way!

Yeah, no wonder cops are crabby.

This weighs a fucking ton.

Handcuffs. Those are cool.

Flashlight. Pepper spray.

Pepper spray is neat.

Officer!

Paul Lipscombe, neighborhood
watchdog group, Chapter 232.

Good job, citizen.

Did you see the Postal Dude?

Yes, uh, yes.

He went down that away.

Right.

Citizens united, let's get this fucker!

Get him!

Sh, sh. Hey, hey.

Nice outfit.

Like you couldn't be
more of an ass already.

You look like a penguin.

So I dropped the truck off.

Huh? Now where is that
underground shelter place?

Sh. Go through the bedroom.

- Yeah, and then, okay.

All right, all right, I'm going in.

All right?

All right, I'm going in. Let's see.

- Have you heard from Osama?
- No.

- Heard about the truck?
- No.

- Have you seen the dog?
- No!

- Do you know anything?
- I don't know.

You are stupid, stupid!

- Mohammed, I'm sorry.
- Stupid.

Lauren Calcutt, insider trading

of over $3 million dollars.

Linda Monteill, kicked her neighbor's dog.

We'll have more on my investigation

as to why the World Trade Center victims

deserved to die, after the break.

Discouraged by the
inability to stem the

Which prevents the continent
from having any further contact

with the rest of the planet.

According to leading experts,

video games are the
number-one cause of violence.

Psst! Puss, puss.

Here, you stupid cat.

- Meow!
- Hm?

Good kitty.

Come on. Come on.

Stay low.

I already am.

Go. Go, go, go.

Let's go.

Come on. Up, up, up, up, up, up.

Get him. Get him.

Get him. Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

Line up, my sexies.

That includes you, too, Mr. Troyer.

Jenny, would you mind opening it?

My pleasure.

Jenny, you, too, huh?

Am I the only fucking
person who didn't know

there was a bomb shelter
underneath my bedroom?

It's not a bomb shelter,
Uncle Dave.

I can't believe this fucking shit.

It's a God shelter.

Richie, what the fuck is this?

- This is amazing.
- This is a shithole.

What is all this for?

Dave's bible, Chapter 11, Psalm 23;

"And in the end, the fire and the plagues

will come at the behest of the Lord,

and the sores and the boils,

and the intestinal ulcers
and testicular tumors

shall befall all of
humanity except for those

"who hide like rabbits below the ground."

I can't believe this.

You guys built this all by yourselves

just 'cause I wrote that shit?

I am of true faith, Uncle Dave.

Even if you are not.

Hey, this is pretty sweet.

You ever, uh, fire.

Don't touch anything!

We will need every bullet
for the end of all things.

That's great, Richie,

but right now we've got
a problem, all right?

My house is full of a bunch
of fucking religious fanatics

who think they're gonna
be the chosen people

at the end of the world.

As opposed to?

Would you shut the fuck up.

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

You don't think I'll come over there?

I'll come over there and fuckin', fuckin'

I-I'll stick this finger up your ass.

Yeah, you and what fucking ladder?

- I'll get you.
- I'll fucking.

- Take this.
- Goddamn.

Richie, the point is we
don't need to be worried

about the end right now, okay?

We just need to take those guns,

go upstairs, kill some motherfuckers,

get my merchandise back, sell it

so we can pay off the IRS, all right?

Not gonna sell the
merchandise, Uncle Dave.

What?

I am sorry to inform you,

but that was never part
of the plan.

So what is the plan?

To end the world, of course.

You guys have issues, man.

Did you know about this?

No, I didn't fucking know about this.

- But he works for you.
- Apparently not.

Dah! I can hear you.

Richie, Richie.

Now it is time for the rest of you

to know the full extent of our plan.

This is why we need the Krotchy dolls.

What happens
up my ass stays up my ass.

- The avian bird flu.

The plague for which the
western devil has no cure.

If these dolls are to be distributed

throughout the United States,

there will be death and destruction

beyond all comprehension!

Yeah!

That is what I'm talkin' about.

Hi, I'm Krotchy, I'm a boner.

So, to make a long story short,

the Taliban wanted to
get a hold of the flu,

and na-na na-na na-na na-na na,

and they were gonna spread it.

Well whatever, I mean, we
stopped them, right? We're good.

Exactly!

We stopped them so that we
could do it our own way.

What?

See, they only wanted to
spread it in the United States,

but in order to fulfill the
prophecy in Dave's bible,

we must wipe out the entire planet.

- He's fucking nuts.
- Mm-hmm.

Sorry, sweetie. God's orders.

Come on!

Yeah, look Richie.

I don't care how fucked up I was.

I never wrote anything about killing

everybody with bird flu.

Not precisely.

But when I read between
the lines.

I felt confident that
that's what you meant.

Which brings us to you, Mr. Verne Troyer!

If he wrote anything
about me in that bible,

we're gonna have some serious problems.

"And you shall know

when the final day of reckoning begins

because on that day a tiny entertainer

"will be raped by a thousand monkeys!"

That's it. I'm gonna
kick your fucking ass.

I'm sorry, little.

Enough! Enough!

Enough! Stop him!

We must do as God commands!

Oh! Goddamn it.

Hey, look man, you know what,

if it makes you feel better

I promise I'm never gonna smoke up again.

You are about to witness

the beginning of the end.

Bring on the monkeys!

Oh, not the monkeys.

Where'd you get so many monkeys?

I don't fucking know.

I got nothing to do with this shit.

Oh! Oh, shit.

Oh!

Please don't.

Don't get me into style, please!

Allin all, this has really
not been a very pleasant day.

- Yeah.
- But.

Unfortunately, the desperate
nature of our situation

suggests that we may need another of us

to embrace martyrdom as we
bring our fight to the infidels.

Now, who amongst us,

will take that honor, today?

How about you, Mohammed?

You are so worthy.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, very much.

And I would love to, I would love to.

Believe me, nobody more
than me would love to.

But unfortunately Osama
told me I couldn't.

- How about Abdul?
- Hey, let's go do some drugs.

Oh, that is a great
idea, a great idea, genius!

Of course, one must agree willingly.

Now, Abdul, if you don't want to be blown

into a tiny million
pieces, raise your hand,

hop on one foot, and sing "Free Bird."

Abdul it is.

Congratulations, my
brother, congratulations.

Now, if we just had Osama.

Does anybody know where the fuck he is?

So you can see that just by
changing the words you use,

you can motivate your
employees in all new ways.

If you master my 117 steps
to dominating your employees,

I personally guarantee
you will have a team

of little killer bees ready to
live or die at your command.

You can make them work for
72 hours straight at a time,

especially if you put
crystal meth in the water.

Now, some of you may be asking,

"Isn't crystal meth illegal?”

Technically, yes, but the
U.S. Air Force uses it

to fuel their pilots

when they're on night
missions over Afghanistan.

So it can't be that illegal
if the U.S. Air Force uses it.

Now, if you look at page
5, you'll see a cartoon.

"What's in that cartoon?" you say.

Well, that's for you to figure out.

Because humor in the workplace

is something else I
want you to think about.

If you can make your employees laugh,

they will be your slaves forever.

And you won't have to
use real chains.

Now, open up your workbooks to page 12.

"How to create and English accent."

So, what now?

So you're just gonna shoot us?

Yeah, you know, I'm really sorry, man.

I mean, obviously, this is
some sort of misunderstanding,

but you can see where I kind of have to go

with it at this point, hm?

I mean, you're my nephew,
but these are my people.

Got to lead them to the Promised Land.

You're a douche.

- Not.
- Yeah.

Actually, the bible
doesn't say to kill you.

What the fuck, Richie? Come on, what?

I'm, I'm God on Earth, remember?
Read your fucking bible.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Like I said, when you
read between the lines,

it's remarkable how the meanings change.

Now, the way I read it was
God chose you as a pawn

to get this movement going.

But now it's time for
someone else to take charge,

someone

Who truly believes.

No, Richie.

Whoo! Whoo, whoo!

Fuck! Fuck me!

I'm fucking gay! Who the fuck knew?

I had no clue, man, but
this explains a lot.

Oh, I can finally learn to
love myself for who I am.

I'm a fucking chubby chaser, too!

Fuck it, man! This is great.

Ah! You know what?

Today is the start of my whole new life.

Mitzi.

Okay, so I'm bi.

Yuck!

You.

You we are grateful to,

so we will let you live

until the bird flu gets you,

or we can put you out of your
misery right now, either way!

Actually. Actually.

Uh, no.

Um, you have to leave me alive,

Richie, if you wanna have

your little apocalypse.

And why is that?

Uh, because I am the only guy

who knows where the truck
filled with bird flu is parked.

Yeah! That's clever!

That is clever! But
it's not insurmountable.

You didn't go far.

We'll just find it ourselves
and then we'll kill you!

Or not, remember?

The bible said that you
didn't have to kill me,

and you said you weren't
going to, and you killed Dave.

Yeah, but as soon as I said that,

I- 1just, it, it, it just
was a lousy idea, so ha-ha.

Look, we'll be right back.

Get in there!

Girls! Clean up Uncle Dave!

What are you still doing here?

We're supposed to wait for Richard

to get back with the truck.

And then we eat the poison brownies

and ascend into Godhood.

Starr couldn't wait. She was on a cleanse.

Yeah, that all sounds
like a real good plan.

Me, I'm gonna go upstairs,

kill me some terrorists,

probably die in a hail of bullets.

If by some miracle I make it out alive,

I'm gonna find that fat
fuck of yours, Richard,

I'm gonna stick this machine
gun up his self-righteous ass.

Yeah.

Decisions, decisions.

This one, huh?

Mine.

Mine.

- Yours.
- What?

- What did you say to me?

Oh, you are good.

- But you were better.
- I know.

- Come on.

Let's go.

You cunning little bitch.

You're not retarded, are you?

You've just been faking it.

Mine!

They'll meet us later.

All right, ladies.

This is where we split up.

Go home to your families.

Think for yourselves,
and no more crazy cults

that look forward to the end of the world.

Don't worry.

We've decided to be
Christians from now on.

- Well.
- Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Why? Because you're married?

No, I just wanna give Karen a turn.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, thank God.

Paradise, here I come.

Speaking of wild shit, have
you seen that guy's wife?

Yeah, she's hard to miss.

Yeah.

She's
a good fuck, though.

- You fucked her?
- Several times.

She's got a clapper in her trailer.

The lights go on and off and on and off.

Makes you feel like a rock star!

- Let's go to the trailer.
- Ah, Roger!

Hey, it's the Postal Dude! Get him!

Go, go! Go!

Come on. Let's go, let's go!

Come on!

Come on, come on, you coward!

- Shoot him!
- Eat this! Come on!

I'm
ss
orry
!

Bye, cowards!

You are so hot.

And you turned into a crazy psychopath.

There were some pretty good reasons.

That's what they all say.

I have to destroy a postal truck

filled with lethal microbes
before a doomsday cult

or a terrorist group
gets their hands on it

and destroys the entire world.

Yeah, like I believe that.

Jihad!

Huh?

Okay, uh, where's that truck?

Great, okay.

Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Laden.

It looks like your credit
card's been declined.

- What?
- It looks like

every free government on the planet

has frozen your assets.

Would you take a check?

Cash, American.

I'm a little short.

Sammy, we need you right away.

Do you have any cash?

No.

Run!

Freakin' Arabs.

Go back to Mecca and run
around your big black box!

Where are we going?

Some place where nobody
will notice a giant explosion.

Fuck her, Greg. Ja, come on.

Fuck her, Greg.

How's that, huh?

A little to the left, motherfucker.

Oh, oh, oh, okay, you right, you right.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah! There you go!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah! Yes!

Who is that?

My soon-to-be-ex-wife.

- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah!

- Oh yeah, yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!

- You like that?
- Yes!

Great job! A little faster.

That ought to do it.

All right.

Here, Champ! Come on, buddy.

Champ?

Come on! Ah, poop.

Let's get out of here.

All right.

Too late.

What the fuck was that?

I love you, Greggie.

I love you, too.

Man!

Go back! Go back!

Okay, before we do this.

Let's remember

what we learned from the pamphlets

from the seminar, okay?

That true change starts from within.

Okay? Also.

We learned from the seminar

that true strength comes in numbers!

Okay, also.

Fuck you!

That if you want
something to be done right,

you do it yourself!

So, let's doit!

- All right!
- Good!

Hey!

Goddamn it! Get the hell off my property!

Motherfucking piece of shit!

Hand over the avian flu, infidel!

Hello? That's their truck, right?

Oh, there he is, the
guy who killed Uncle Dave.

We must rebalance our energies
by cutting out his spleen!

God fucking sucker fucker!

Okay. Let's.

Bomb! Bomb!

Bomb! B-b-b-b-bomb!

Bomb!

Hold up! Fuck!

Big bomb that could take
out a whole city block bomb.

Do I have your attention?

Get down here!

What is wrong with you people?

You're so busy trying to blow up the world

in the name of God.

News flash, fucktards, God
doesn't need your help.

He's God!

And he, she, it,

they gave you life.

And you're wasting it.

Look around you. Look.

Look, goddamn it!

See?

We're not that different

‘cause we all come from the same family

known as humanity.

Now, what do families do?

Do they fight? Yeah, sure.

But they work it out 'cause
they love each other,

and they know that they're
stuck with each other,

just like all of us are,

here on this crazy big mud ball

called Earth.

So, come on, people.

Let's try and find some
common ground, huh?

Uh, well, we all hate Jews!

Yeah, well, everybody knows that, yeah.

No, no, no, no, not a hate thing.

Ah, sh.

A happy thing.

- 1 don't get it.

I think it's time to
empty our hands of guns

so we can fill our hands with hugs.

If you wanna waste this
precious gift we call life,

I can't stop you.

So, go ahead.

Shoot.

Or

Hug.

Shoot him.

Oh, you motherfuckers!

Goddamn!

I'm starting to get pissed.

Greggie, I'm still wet, though!

Just plug that little thing in.

I'll be there in one second.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

- You like that?

Hey, Mo, save some virgins for me.

Please insert
an additional 25 cents

to complete your long-distance call.

Hello, this is George W. Bush.

It's Osama. I need some help, man!

Hi, there, Osama. How are ya?

You got to speak up, George.

I can't hear you over the gunfire.

- Hmm?
- Gunfire.

I'm trapped in a trailer
park in Paradise City.

I'm here for you, buddy.

We got you on satellite.

Should I send a couple
cruise missiles down there?

Oh!

No! I

Please insert
an additional 25 cents

to continue your long-distance call.

I was thinking
maybe a helicopter

to come pick me up.

Hey, that, that could work.

Uh, there's a field just south of you.

I'll, I'l pick you up there.

Aw, thanks, Georgie.

- 1, um.
- Yes?

I just wish I knew how to quit ya.

Damn!

Shit!

No hand-to-hand combat,
no hand-to-hand combat.

No, no, no!

Hello.

Internal Revenue Service, Frank Dumont.

We're here to conduct an
audit on a Mr. David Clark.

You are American government?

Yes, sir.

Is Mr. Clark at home?

Hold on one moment, government man.

I have someone to speak to you.

Unauthorized fruit sales.

I should have brought that dip.

- Jihad! Jihad!
- Ji, oh, yeah.

Jihad, yeah.

Abdul! Abdul, where is your belt?

You're not wearing your explosive belt.

We're taking the cop car.

Abdul.

Lorraine, Lorraine, stop
licking your own asshole, okay?

You're my publisher.

You tell them that this is a prime example

of why everybody should buy my book,

"How to fire an employee

"without making him go
postal," because I'm a f

You ruined everything!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Don't be a dick.

- No!
- Dick.

Did you?

Champ! Hey, buddy.

Hey! Hey!

I thought I smelled poo-poo breath.

- Ladies and gentlemen-
- Nice to see you, pal.

We're interrupting
our regular broadcast

to take you live for this
emergency announcement

from the President.

This is the President

of the United States of America.

CIA Intelligence has confirmed

that the governments of China and India

were directly responsible
for the terrorist cell

recently uncovered in Paradise.

Worse still, they
continue to make T-shirts

for well under a dollar.

In response, we've been forced

to destroy both countries
with nuclear force.

China, despite all our
freedom-loving efforts,

was able to send 30
atomic warheads our way.

They should hit in a
little under two minutes.

I wish you all the best of luck

with your future endeavors,
and God bless America.

Well?

I regret nothing.

You know what? Forget the stuff.

- Ah!
- Oh!

What are you doing?

Don't you normally get out of here?

Come on. Should I get my.

Let's go out!

Georgie, I think
this is the beginning

of a beautiful friendship.

Attention,
residents of the planet Earth!

Don't miss the sale of the century.

With the purchase of one clone,

get a second clone for free!

Remember, there's no business

like clone business.

Attention, residents of the planet Earth!

Don't miss the sale of the century.

With the purchase of one clone,

get a second clone for free!

Remember, there's no business

like clone business.