Original subtitles

(male narrator) For centuries, the world has been protected

by a group of extraordinary men and women

who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime

in the pursuit of justice.

"Legends Of The Superheroes."

On this special occasion, our dauntless heroes

have been summoned for an evening of special tribute.

So, if there is any call for their super services tonight..

...forget it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the world's mightiest mortal!

Shazam!

(male narrator) Endowed with the wisdom, strength

and courage of the Gods, Captain Marvel

fights a never-ending battle against evil!

Guardian of the Universe and possessor

of an incredible power ring

the Green Lantern has the ability

to perform amazing feats against evildoers.

Sentinel of the Skies.

Winged Phantom of the Night.

The Hawkman fights the evils of the present

with the weapons of the past.

[squawking]

Combining beauty, wisdom and physical prowess

The Huntress fights a constant battle

against crime and injustice.

Joy of the oppressed, wonder of the multitudes, The Flash!

This crime fighter is swifter than the speed of light

fleeter than the rapidity of thought.

With the uncanny ability to generate

earth-shattering sound waves

the Black Canary fights a relentless battle

against criminal injustice.

[beeping]

With his reckless grin, Devil-may-care courage

and incredible gymnastic skills

Robin, the Boy Wonder

is Batman's crime-fighting companion.

His symbol, a frightening creature of the night.

His disguise strikes terror into the criminal heart.

Batman, the Caped Crusader has pledged his life

to fighting the forces of evil.

[instrumental music]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Superheroes!

[instrumental music]

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

(Batman) Superheroes, be seated.

Good evening.

On behalf of Superheroes everywhere..

Oh, and Super-heroines

or Super-persons, if you prefer..

I bid you welcome.

Tonight, we're going to relax and enjoy ourselves.

And to take charge of the festivities

is a man who's famous for relaxing and enjoying himself.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen

Ed McMahon.

[instrumental music]

[applause]

Oh, thank you.

- Hello. - How are you?

Hello!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'm tellin' ya, I haven't seen people dress like this

since I had lunch at Alice Cooper's house.

[laughing]

Beautiful. Look at all those capes.

This looks like Truman Capote's closet, doesn't it?

I'm delighted to be here tonight

with all my favorite Superheroes.

Now, if you're a comic book fan

you know that they're all here.

These guys have superpowers.

Some of them got 'em by falling into a vat of liquid.

That happened to me last week, at the Budweiser plant.

Yeah. And it must've worked.

An hour later, I was trying to wrestle a Clydesdale.

[laughing]

But they're here with us tonight.

And we're about to see our heroes roasted and toasted

by their arch-enemies and by other Supervillains

plus some other people that you don't know about

from their very, very private lives.

'We'll actually see, that underneath their capes'

and their gowns, and their clothes, and their masks

they're just ordinary, fun-loving

everyday simple folks

who can leap over buildings and fly.

[applause]

Okay.

[chuckles]

Let's get right to our first Supervillain, alright?

He's a man who uses his special wand

to control the weather

for his own criminal purposes.

The arch-enemy of The Flash

and a rotten person, in his own right

The Weather Wizard!

[thunder rumbling]

[crackling]

[instrumental music]

Thank you.

Thank you so much for that

lovely, warm welcome, yeah.

You know, before we get started

I'd like to give you some of the weather around the country.

Yeah, well, first of all, there's going to be

some snow in New England.

Yes. Then some sunshine in Florida.

And then finally, some heavy rain!

Right over there.

[thunder rumbling]

[laughing]

Oh, I love it!

I love to give it to my arch-enemy, the Flash.

[laughing]

Well, that should give you some idea of the way I work.

Remember this last winter we had?

Oh, yes!

Wasn't it a doozy? 36 feet of snow in Buffalo.

[snickering] That was mine.

Remember the flooding in Pennsylvania?

[chuckling] Yours truly.

And how about the hurricane in Mexico?

Aki.

[chuckles]

Oh, I tell you, by the time the winter was over

I had one tired wand.

[laughing]

Remember last December

in Fargo, North Dakota?

Now, that was cold.

(in unison) How cold was it?

[laughing]

It was so cold that, uh, down at the mission on Skid Row

they were serving soup on a stick.

[booing]

Boo!

Well, it's weather time, folks.

[thunder rumbling]

[Weather Wizard laughing]

'I never did like you guys.'

'Yeah!'

Rookies. They're all ancient rookies.

'They deserved it for so long!'

[laughing]

Yeah!

'Yeah!'

[laughs]

Yay!

Take anything you need, mama. You're coming home now.

[clamoring]

This'll show you who's got some power!

[laughing]

Hey!

Yeah, that oughta do it!

That oughta do it.

Canary, are you alright?

Yeah, I think so.

[groans]

Everybody okay?

You've gone too far this time, Weather Wizard!

Not quite!

My rain will get you wherever you go.

[beeping]

[thunder rumbling]

[laughing]

[applause]

You'll regret what you're doing here today.

Marks my words. Yeah, I'll be back to see you all.

(male narrator) Coming up, a brand new Superhero

and a surprise for Hawkman.

[audience cheering]

Now, we have a little surprise for you.

Someone who's very near and dear

to one of our Superheroes is here.

Formerly from Thanagar

now, currently residing in Peoria, Illinois.

Please welcome Mrs. Esther Hall.

[audience cheering]

[instrumental music]

Oh, thank you, you're very kind.

You boys look nice in your underwear.

- Mama! - Oh, sonny!

Sonny, oh! How are you, sweetheart?

Sit down now, sit down.

Straighten your beak.

I have to go over here, it's hot.

Hello, from Peoria.

You think it's easy?

I run into people at the supermarket.

They tell me, my son's a doctor

my son's an accountant.

How do I tell 'em my son's a Hawkman?

I mean, what do I know from birds?

But I'll tell you this, a homing pigeon, he's not.

I mean, even the swallows returned to Capistrano.

He said he'd definitely come home for the holidays.

So, what happened?

Christmas, he didn't come home.

New Year's, no sign of him.

Easter came and went.

Finally, he shows up on Thanksgiving.

Says hello to the turkey and leaves.

[laughing]

But the tip off should've been

when he brought notes home from school.

They were strapped to his leg.

[laughing]

And, and it's worse now that he's grown up.

I mean, what do you buy him for his birthday?

One year, it's a cuttlebone.

The next year, a little bell and a mirror.

Believe me, you run dry after a while.

And, and you know, it isn't any better

from the rest of the family.

I mean, I mean, his Aunt Seal has been trying

to knit him a sweater for a year.

[chuckles] Stand up, sonny, and show 'em.

[squawking]

[chuckling] That was sweet, darling.

Tell me, h-how do you fit someone

who's got a 40-inch chest

a 30-inch waist

and a seven-foot wingspan?

[laughing]

Well, I don't wanna overstay my welcome.

Uh, listen, sonny

if it's not out of your way, why don't you drop over

when you're through here tonight?

But give me a call first.

I wanna put fresh newspapers on your bed.

Alright, sweetheart?

Listen, put a peek on the cheek.

You're right. Give me a kiss, darlin'.

Give me a kiss, a kiss for mama.

[squawking]

Just like his father, the old war hero.

Thank you, boys. It's a pleasure. Thank you very much.

You guys, look, birds with a feather fly together.

You know what I mean? Wonderful.

[applauding]

Thank you, Esther Hall.

[siren wailing] Okay..

Oh, wait a minute, that means

we're getting a message on our beeper.

Just a second.

Our message center has something for us.

Oh, it's for all the Superheroes.

Listen to this.

"You guys really make me sick

"the way you strut around

"showing off your super strength

"making a spectacle of yourselves.

"It's really a disgusting display of vanity.

I mean, who cares?"

It's signed, "Arnold Schwarzenegger."

Okay, right now

I wanna talk about Superheroes.

They're well-known, like these people here.

But you know, all around the country

there are regional and local Superheroes.

They aren't as well known

especially in the minority areas.

Now, we have one of those Superheroes

with us here tonight.

We're introducing, ladies and gentlemen

Ghetto Man.

[applauding]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

Yes, yes.

Alright.

Hey, what's happenin', Super-brothers?

Hi, mama.

Hey, boys, I look around me tonight

I see a whole lot of super.

But I don't see too many brothers.

As a matter of fact, a few years ago

the NAACP asked you guys to integrate.

And I'm sorry, but we don't feel the Green Lantern

qualifies as colored people.

Hey, now, I don't want you to think

I'm the only black superhero, we got lots of 'em.

Like the Green Lantern over there

he gets his power from a ring, right?

We got a hero just like that.

We call him Sammy Davis Jr.

[laughing]

And there's the Flash over there.

Oh, no, he's over here.

'They all look alike to me.'

I don't know, just saying.

[applauding]

Now, the Flash carries his costume in his ring.

If that's true, Sammy could be walking around

with his entire wardrobe for the year.

And, dear Captain Marvel.

When he wants to use his powers, he says, "Shazam."

When we wanna use ours, we say, "Kareen."

[laughing]

And if you think the Hawkman is so tough

let him walk through Harlem with them wings on.

By the time he got to Lenox Avenue

he'd be Kentucky fried.

And these so-called villains you cats fight

man, they ain't nothing.

You got this one bad dude named Sinestro.

He's supposed to be a former good-guy-gone-bad, right?

Well, do the name Idi Amin mean anything to you?

And the Weather Wizard, man, you all think

he's a big deal, that ain't nothing.

A real Weather Wizard is a cat

that can make it through a Chicago winter with no heat.

And Dr. Sivana, he's supposed to be a mad scientist.

I'd tell you about a mad scientist.

When they told George Washington Carver

he couldn't use the men's room at Harvard

that was a mad scientist.

Huh? I hear the call of distress.

There's a child trapped in the elevator

on a 17-storey housing project.

This is a job for..

♪ Ghetto man ♪♪

Dig y'all later.

Kareen!

[applauding]

[Dr. Sivana humming]

[scatting]

[explosion]

Dr. Sivana!

No, no, I am Dr. Sivana.

What, you pretending to be a doctor--

No, no, no.

You think you're a doctor, sweetie?

Oh, no, a doctor don't dress in a black dress

he dresses like me in white dress.

- No, no, you're-- - Wait!

'Did you take the hypocritical oath?'

- No, no. - No, can you do that? No.

- See, you're not-- - You're Dr. Sivana!

Oh, that's right, how do you do?

Nice to see you, nice to see you.

Is-is-is this the place where the Superheroes are meeting?

- Yes, it is. - Oh, good, good, good.

Thank you very much. What? What is that?

What is that.. That's flab.

That's fla.. You are.. You are the.. Turn in your cape.

You are the flabbiest specimen I have ever saw.

Wait a minute, I'm not a Superhero.

I'm the host.

You're the flabbiest host I ever saw.

Well, pardon me for saying so, but you don't look

like an evil, mad genius doctor.

Oh, that's because you have not seen me in my la-da-hai-bi-hi.

My li-be-he-be-hui.

[speaking gibberish]

Y-you didn't see me where I work.

- Your laboratory. - That's it, you're a doctor.

You are a doctor, right. Hey, you want to see something?

- Yeah. - Open your eyes for this boy.

This is a beauty, sweetie.

Well, we'll see. Cheers!

[groaning]

[gibberish]

- How did you do that? - Do what?

You probably saw the doctor. I bet you're not an M.D.

Sure, I'm an M.D.

Mad doctor, M.D. Mad doctor, M.D.

I find it hard to believe that you're a doctor.

Oh, yeah? I prove it to you.

Open your mouth und say, "Ah."

- Ah! - That'll be 50 bucks, please.

Uh-oh, I'm convinced. You're a doctor.

Thank you very much, thank you very..

Okay, kids. Come on, here we go.

Here we go, line up. Ho! Hup, two, hup, two.

Yeah, good, good.

Well, it's nice to see you.

Tell me, when is the last time

you all had a physical?

[scoffs] You've got to be kidding.

We're are all Superheroes.

We don't need to take a physical.

Oh, good, Marvey, then we'll start with you.

Now, open your mouth.

Open and say, "Shazam."

[both speaking gibberish]

Hey, didn't your mama ever tell you

not to talk with your mouth filled?

Anyway, let's, let's check your muscles.

[dings]

Oh, you've got good muscle tone. That's good, that's good.

Ah, Flash.

I'll tell you what, give me your hand, I wanna check your pulse.

[scatting]

Oomph, very voluptuous goin' there.

Six hundred and four, that's normal.

Now, I want you to race a mile.

Hold on. Ready? Okay, go!

[zapping]

Okay, forget it, I haven't got time to waste with you

fooling around like that.

When I say.. Well, never mind.

Hey, whoop, hut, ah-ha. Thank you very much.

Say, uh, you're not a woodpecker, are you?

You're not a woodpecker?

Uh, well, then, would you say, "Ah?"

[squawking]

Oh, boy, wow!

Oh, boy, oh, bo..

[chuckles] Oh, well, well, well.

Hey there, D.C., how are you?

I wanna, I wanna check your heart.

Oh, it's over here.

Sweetie, come here.

Later, I make house calls. You know what I mean?

Okay, I'll see you.

The Huntress, Huntress, Huntress.

[laughs] I'd like to examine your quiver.

Unh-unh-unh, unless your good at removing arrows.

I think your quiver's perfect, just the way it is.

Hey, doctor, I'm afraid your time is up.

Uh, yes, that's..

Oh, wait, wait, wait, that's Lucy on the beeper.

- Of my latest operation. - Yes.

I wonder how it all turned out.

[beeping]

It was bad. We would have been married 25 years, next week.

- Isn't it bad? - Doctor, you need a drink.

Yes, thank you. That's true.

C-cheers.

I wish you well in and out of show business, all.

[chuckles]

[explosion]

Wow, I gotta get the name of that stuff.

(male narrator) A crime-fighting immortal

and the latest on the private lives of the Superheroes, next.

[applause]

Right now, friends, we are in for a real treat.

We have with us tonight, one of the great

Superheroes of the past.

In his time, the bravest

most courageous, most daring of them all.

The never to be forgotten, Scarlet Cyclone.

[instrumental music]

Now..

Now, friends, he is affectionately known as..

...Retired Man.

[applauding]

- Thank you, fellas. - 'Scarlet!'

(Ed) 'Cyclone?'

This way, sir. This way, sir.

Oh, right here, sir.

Right, right this way.

R-right this way.

How about those leaps?

Oh, yeah, yeah, ah, yes.

Phish!

Hi, kid.

It's nice to meet you, Retired...Retired Man.

- It's really nice to meet you. - Don't call me Retired Man.

Why don't you call me by my old name?

The name that struck fear in the hearts of villains.

The Scarlet, uh..

- Cyclone. - Where?

No, no, no. You, sir, you.

You are the Scarlet Cyclone.

You know it, bub.

[laughing]

Remember this?

Oh, heck!

Wait a minute.

Take it easy, take it easy, sir.

Take it easy, sir.

I don't have to.

Keep your hands off me, punk.

I don't need your help.

I'm in fantastic shape.

Uh-oh!

(Black Canary) 'Oh, God. I think he needs a chair.'

[groaning]

I don't need a chair.

I'm ready for action.

[snoring]

Those little naps are always refreshing.

Just take it easy now, Cyclone--

Take it easy?

I don't have to take it easy, squirt.

Not as long as I can still utter the cry

that struck terror

in the hearts of villains everywhere.

[coughing]

You may be right.

- Where's my chair? - Right here, sir.

But I can still see..

I can tell that you still have some of that old pizzazz.

Oh, yeah, I've still got it.

And I can tell you it comes in pretty handy back at the home.

- 'Oh, really?' - Like last night.

There was this terrible cry for help.

Of course, I didn't hear it.

I'm always asleep by eight.

Oh, you must have been dynamite

when you were the immortal Scarlet Cyclone.

[chuckles]

I'll never forg..

I'll never forget

forget my first..

Hmm, hell.

I'll never forget my first mission.

(Ed) 'First mission.'

There was a group of international villains

who were going to blow up the world.

I found that rather exciting myself, yeah.

And I was.. Every fiber of my being was on edge.

The blood was flowing, my head was pounding.

The danger, the terror.

And then, I made my first move.

And what was that?

[snoring]

(Ed) 'Cyclone?'

Scarlet, sir.

'Poor fellow, he hasn't been himself since he tried to stop'

'that speeding locomotive.'

You know, it's not often we get a chance to be in

on the latest gossip about our favorite Superhero.

But tonight, there's a lady who digs into the private lives

of each and every one of them.

Author of the famous syndicated column, "Under The Cape."

Here's that super-snoop, Ms. Rhoda Rooter.

[applauding]

[instrumental music]

Good evening, America

and the rest of the United States.

I'd like to say hello to all my gossip fans

from Superhero land.

Well, let's get right on down to the dirt.

It looks like it may be Splitsville

for Mr. and Mrs. Hawkman.

It seems that the stork

paid a visit to the little lady the other day.

Hawkman came home unexpectedly and caught them.

Well, the secret is out.

The Atom, our six-inch superhero, is in love.

It must be serious.

His friends threw him a wild bachelor party this week.

The highlight of the evening

was when they wheeled in a cart

and a girl stepped out of a cupcake.

Speaking of the Atom

this reporter has the scoop of the century.

Earlier this week, we managed

to get an exclusive interview

with the Atom and his secret love

who turned out to be none other

than that Super-villainess, Giganta.

[instrumental music]

Well, I must say, you make a, an unusual couple.

Thank you, Rhoda.

We, uh, we do turn a few heads.

Well, tell me, how did you meet?

That was through a computer dating service.

They're not in business anymore.

I can see why.

Uh, well, how come you've kept your romance

a secret for so long?

Well, we wanted to make sure

it just wasn't a physical attraction.

(Rhoda) 'I see. Well, then I guess you're really serious.'

Oh, we certainly are.

In fact, I took her home to meet my family.

Oh, were there any problems?

- Just one. - 'What was that?

Getting through the door.

Rhoda, but after that, it was clear sailing.

In fact, uh.. And this is yours exclusively.

We've even set the date.

That's wonderful. Uh, but..

Well, forgive me, I simply must ask you this question.

Uh, considering the, uh, difference between you

what about children?

Ain't no problem. We're both crazy about kids.

(Rhoda) 'No, no, no, no, that's not what I-I meant.'

What.. uh..

Yeah, well, what I'm trying to say is

are you planning to adopt?

Of course not, Rhoda.

Look, we're two perfectly normal people

in the prime of life.

You don't seem to understand, Atom.

Let me be blunt, which is highly unusual for me.

But, but, think about the honeymoon.

Couldn't that get to be a little dangerous?

Well, Rhoda, that's the chance she'll have to take.

Ah, well, ahem, that's all for now, America.

This is your ace number one gossip reporter

Ms. Rhoda Rooter, saying so long for now.

And we'll be back again soon with some more

dirty, dirty gossip and super-duper chit-chat.

Adios and hasta luego.

[applause]

[instrumental music]

There I was, on my way to the moon.

Suddenly, I heard an explosion.

The whole capsule started to fill with smoke.

And then I had an idea.

Something that would save me just like that.

(male narrator) Coming right up, more Superheroes

Supervillains and super surprises.

Pardon me, Captain Marvel, but I've got a big problem.

What's the trouble, Robin?

Well, when we got here tonight, Batman came in

and sent me to park the Batmobile.

Yes, go on.

Honest, I never even saw that truck.

- You mean.. - Holy totaled!

Scrunch!

How am I gonna tell Batman?

That Batmobile was his pride and joy.

I'll try and think of something

but don't worry about it, Robin.

At least, we know the subject won't come up..

[siren wailing]

(Ed) 'H-here's a message for Batman.'

There's trouble in Gotham City.

Gotham City?

Come on, Robin, to the Batmobile.

Wait. Holy rotten timing!

Come on, Robin, let's go.

Gee, Batman, we don't wanna leave now.

We're having such a good time.

But duty calls, Robin.

Someone's in trouble in Gotham City.

Oh, that's not the only place someone's in trouble.

Don't argue, Robin. To the Batmobile!

Say, Batman, it's such a nice night.

Why don't we walk?

Walk to a crime?

Not while we have the fastest, most powerful car in the world.

- To the Batmobile-- - You know, I've been thinking.

What with the energy crisis

maybe we should get a little economy car.

"Economy car?"

I know. How about mopeds?

- Robin! - Skateboards?

Enough of that. To the Batmobile!

Holy up the creek!

Robin, I'm beginning to suspect you had some trouble

with the Batmobile.

Robin...did you get a parking ticket?

- No. - Hmm.

Oh, good.

We should always obey our traffic laws.

Well, the only thing left is an accident.

(Batman) 'Robin..'

...did you scrape a fender?

- Uh, no. - Worse than that?

Oh, one word. Yes, one word.

Ah, three syllables. Uh, first syllable..

Uh, a lift-lift.

'Uh, carry, c-carry nation..'

♪ Carry me back to ♪♪

No? Pat? Schlep? Schlep, tow, tow.

Tow-tow, on the nose, tow-nose, pork, pork-nose, nose job..

Oh, tote, tote-bag, tote, tote, no.

The Batmobile is in a tote-bag?

The Batmobile is not in a tote-bag. No, no.

Uh...second-second syllable.

Okay, okay.

That's good, that's very good.

Guess, ancient, old.

Old, tow-tow-old.

Totaled.

The Batmobile is totaled!

[laughing]

The Batmobile was totaled?

(Robin) 'I'm sorry, Batman.'

[grunting]

[sighs]

Well, you did the manly thing, Robin.

You told the truth.

I wanna shake your hand for that.

Thank you, Batman.

[groaning]

Wait till you see what I'm gonna do to you

when I get you back to the Batcave.

And there I was, surrounded.

One man against a hundred vicious cut-throats.

They thought I was a goner. Heh.

I still laugh when I think of how I outwitted 'em.

[laughing]

[coughing]

Coming in right now

probably the meanest, the nastiest

the most feared of all the Supervillains..

This humanoid creature who was born

in the murky waters of a swamp

is not only unbelievably huge and powerful..

[Grundy growling]

...he's also, he's also really tough to get along with.

But I'm not without my charms

so I think I may be able to warm him up.

Here he is now, the, the infamous Solomon Grundy.

[Grundy growling]

[applauding]

[growling]

Hey, Mr. Grundy.

O-over here, Mr. Grundy.

It's, it's certainly nice to meet you.

[groaning]

Oh, wow, ooh! I guess you don't know your own strength.

No, Grundy know.

[screaming]

Oh, that's smart.

That'll be blue in the morning.

Tell me, Sol, i-is it okay if I call you Sol?

My friends call me Sol.

- Oh, that's good. - No, bad.

Don't like my friends.

Okay, okay, alright, Mr. Grundy.

It'll be Mr. Grundy.

Boy, you've got a..

You've got a strange way o-of talking.

Grundy talk strange?

I meant a strange way, but nice, but nice.

Oh, I like it. You don't waste any words.

You get, you get right to the point.

Yes, get right to point.

I-I understand, I understand, Mr. Grundy

that you were born in a swamp.

[growling]

"Swamp!"

I hate swamp!

So sorry I mentioned..

[growling]

- You.. - I'm awfully sorry.

I-I didn't mean to rip your coat, I--

You rip coat!

- You ruined it! - I'm a-awfully sorry.

It's okay, have same thing at home in polyester.

Phew, what a lucky break.

For a minute there, I thought he was going to clobber me.

Clobber? Okay!

[groans] No, wait, hold, hold it. Just a minute, wait.

Ho! And I'm gonna need some water.

Water?

Water is swamp.

- Eh, the swamp.. - Hate swamp!

You're certainly not what they'd call a-a patient man.

Ah, now, let's see, if we can get as far away

from that subject as possible.

Um, uh, Mr. Grundy.

Have you ever been to the, um, Sahara Desert?

Sahara Desert?

Yeah, you know, sand.

Oh!

- Sand. - Sand, yeah!

Like at beach?

(Ed) 'Yeah, hah, like at the beach.'

Near ocean!

Near ocean, yeah!

- Water in ocean. - "Water in ocean."

Swamp have water.

- Hate swamp. - Hate swamp!

I-I'm starting to get a headache.

Uh, I think, Mr. Grundy, the.. I'll just say goodbye.

It's been a pleasure, eh-heh, a pleasure meeting you.

I hope you had a good time today.

Hope everyone liked me.

Tried to show my good side.

Oh-ho, are you kidding? You certainly did.

I'm sure you're gonna get lots of fan mail.

Think so?

[chuckles] You'll be swamped.

Swamp!

Hate swamp!

[growling]

[applause]

Ah-ha!

[instrumental music]

(male narrator) Next, the arch-enemy of the Green Lantern

and the villainous man-hunting Aunt Minerva.

[applause]

Our next villain is a former good guy gone bad.

When he worked for the Guardians of the Universe

he and the Green Lantern were on the same side.

But now, they are mortal enemies.

Here is a man who uses his power ring for evil.

The treacherous Sinestro.

[all booing]

[zapping]

Ah, get outta here. Who needs ya, traitor?

Turncoat!

[zapping]

[crashes]

[all booing]

[chuckles] Boo, boo, boo, sure, boo.

It's easy for you to boo.

You've had all the advantages.

When I was a kid, I had it tough.

The neighborhood I came from was so tough

that a kid five years of age had white hair.

[zapping]

You wanna know how tough that neighborhood was?

Our parish priest was called Father Knuckles.

[screams]

What are you laughing at, Flash?

[zapping]

[Sinestro laughing]

Notice that when the Flash moves

he doesn't touch the ground?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

He wouldn't last five minutes in my neighborhood.

Look at the faces on those heroes.

Ever see such good-looking guys?

Hm-hm, remember Solomon Grundy?

[imitating Solomon]

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[zapping]

When the vultures fly past him

they keep one wing over their eyes.

[imitating bird flapping]

He hasn't got a friend in the world.

If it weren't for Parkay Margarine

nobody would talk to him.

Alright, Sinestro.

This place isn't big enough for both of us.

Go for your ring.

[zapping]

[zapping]

[applause]

Now, the little lady you're about to meet

may not look threatening.

But the very mention of her name terrifies

good guys everywhere.

She's a crack shot.

She can pluck the buttons off a man's shirt

without even harming the material.

She survived

five husbands.

Ladies and gentlemen, the arch-enemy

of Captain Marvel.

The Zsa Zsa Gabor of the villains.

Aunt Minerva!

[instrumental music]

[all booing]

Thank you, boys. Heh.

Wait for me in the car and, uh, keep your movies running.

Hm, ooh!

Oh, yes! Ooh!

Now, I'll tell you why I'm here.

I'm lookin' for husband number six.

And it is going to be

one of you.

- No, not me. - Freeze! I've got you covered.

Okay, everybody, line up!

Come on, real fast. Come on, get down.

Yeah, now, let's see.

Who is going to be the lucky man?

Minerva, what makes you think any of us would marry you?

Ooh, you've got spunk!

I like a man with spunk.

You just moved up on the list.

Yeah, but, to answer your question..

...you all know I am a crack shot.

But just in case

you have forgotten how crack..

Whoop, whoop. Watch this!

(Flash) 'What's the big deal?'

Anybody could hit it from there.

- Yeah. - Like this?

[gunshot]

[bullet ricocheting]

[glass shatters]

Mm..

Oh, oh, oh, not bad.

Uh, is this, uh, a real or a silicone job?

Never mind, never mind, I'll find out later.

Well, now, you look like a likely candidate

to be my husband.

Uh, it's the Flash, isn't it?

That's right.

The world's fastest man.

Pass.

Ooh! Oh, what have we here?

- B-B-B-Batman. - Oh, don't worry, kid.

I always throw the small ones back.

Oh, Batman!

Oh, hah, my proof of passion.

Oh, we meet again.

Oh, do you remember that night in the Batcave?

You gave Robin a quarter and you sent him to the movies.

- Batman! - 'Now, Robin.'

That was strictly business.

Holy forked tongue!

(Aunt Minerva) 'Well, looks like it's Captain Marvel.'

Looks like it's you and me, honey.

♪ Da-da-ta-da ♪♪

[whistles] Get out here, McMahon!

Me and stretch here are getting married.

Aren't we, dear?

Well, it's the first time ever I've seen a shotgun wedding

and the bride is holding the gun.

Oh, well, I got one for you too, buster.

Now, come on, 'cause you're gonna perform the ceremony.

Now, wait a minute, I-I can't. It wouldn't be legal.

What do I care about legal?

I'm a crook. Now, come on.

Start talking.

Come on now, you know it.

'Dearly beloved. Come on, spit it out.'

- Dearly beloved.. - 'Good, good.'

...if anyone knows why these two shouldn't be married

let him speak...now, or forever hold his peace.

Well, come on, guys.

[indistinct chatter]

- I kinda like the idea. - They make a nice couple.

It'll keep her off our back.

Wait a minute, we can't get married.

We're mortal enemies.

Oh, well, can you think of a better basis for marriage?

[chuckles]

[sobbing]

(Batman) Take a look at that one's spunk.

[sobbing] Mommy's gonna kill me.

Would you look at Captain Crybaby?

Would you stop it?

The weddin' is off!

Oh, I-I-I'll just have to settle for a kiss.

[squeaking]

Shazam!

[instrumental music]

Well, on the other hand

maybe marriage wouldn't be such a bad idea.

Forget it, shorty, who needs you?

Must you leave, ma'am?

Need some assistance?

Hey, uh, I'm not busy.

How about dinner in the Batcave later?

She was gorgeous.

Far beyond my wildest dreams.

I knew she was working for the enemy

but I couldn't control myself.

I reached for her.

Oh, heck.

(male narrator) Coming up, the most feared and evil villain of them all.

[audience cheering]

Okay.

Now, our next villain

is the most black-hearted sorcerer

in this world or any other.

His powers as a master magician, an evil mystic

are more terrifying than anything else known to man.

But he feels that an injustice has been perpetrated

on the members of his villainous calling.

So he would like to say a few words

on behalf of his fellow super criminals.

Let's hear it for Mordru.

[applause]

You probably can't tell by looking at me

but we villains are...different.

We have different values.

Different problems.

Even different forms of entertainment.

So, to help you understand our point of view

I would like to list some of the simple pleasures..

...we enjoy.

[laughs]

[growling]

[intense music]

[laughing]

You may not be so anxious to abuse us..

...if you try to understand

what things...amuse us.

♪ A brute ♪

♪ Who thinks torture is cute ♪

♪ Or a cheat ♪

♪ Who finds larceny neat ♪

♪ Or a swine ♪

♪ Who says murder's divine ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ A flood turning cities to mud ♪

Hah!

[laughing]

♪ Or a blaze ♪

♪ That keeps burning for days ♪

[all gasping]

♪ Or a quake even Richter can't take ♪

Ha-ha.

[chuckles] Huh? Huh?

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ Now it might be a blaze ♪

♪ On the crops of Iran ♪

♪ A drought wiping out all the rice in Japan ♪

♪ Some great invention of man ♪

♪ Like a narrow sauce sprayer ♪

♪ That kills the ozone layer ♪

♪ A louse ♪

♪ Buys his grandmother's house ♪

♪ Ups the rent ♪

♪ Though she hasn't a cent ♪

♪ Granny's sweet ♪

♪ But she's out on the street ♪

♪ Oh the world is a mess ♪

♪ But nevertheless ♪

♪ It's entertainment ♪

♪ Mayhem ♪

♪ Violence ♪

♪ Terror ♪

♪ Killers plunder looting ♪

♪ These are a few of my favorite things ♪

♪ Now the pain ♪

♪ Yes the pain ♪

♪ Of a serious drink ♪

♪ The delight ♪

♪ Of a rattlesnake bite ♪

♪ And the grin ♪

♪ When we can notice his sin ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ Oh youth ♪

♪ Who's already uncouth ♪

♪ Wants to meet ♪

♪ Pretty girls on the street ♪

♪ With a plan ♪

♪ The Jack the Ripper began ♪

♪ That's entertainment ♪

♪ I dig any big catastrophic device ♪

♪ A ship with a grip ♪

♪ Of a mountain of ice ♪

♪ I think diseases are nice ♪

♪ A condition that's chronic ♪

♪ A plague that is bubonic ♪

♪ The jolt ♪

♪ Of my lightning bolt ♪

[zapping]

♪ I can use ♪

♪ On any one that I choose ♪

♪ And right now ♪

♪ I will show you just how ♪

[laughing]

[zapping]

[explosions]

[zapping]

♪ And that's my idea ♪

♪ Of entertain-ment ♪♪

Oh, well..

[all cheering]

[applause]

Well, it looks like justice has triumphed once again.

So, before we say good night

I'd like our Superheroes to know that this evening

has all been in good fun.

And as usual, you've been terrific sports.

We deeply appreciate all you've done for us over the years.

Not only in your daring exploits

but just as importantly

in giving us... someone to look up to

and showing all your fans everywhere

just what it means to...to be a hero.

Well, I guess there's nothing else to say except, uh..

...goodnight.

Goodnight

and Kareen!

[instrumental music]

[applause]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]