Original subtitles

I want to thank for your patience,

your servility,

your...

donations.

Tonight marks the end of a long, hard yesterday,

and the dawn of a glorious new tomorrow!

It's time.

Uh, I think we need to pause right here and um,

just think about all of this.

Um...

Yeah, just, uh, just think and uh...

just, uh...

Surprise fuckers!

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I'm Dale Domazar, Cult Buster and expert day programmer.

And this cult is busted.

Previously on Cult Buster,

expert gumshoe, Dale Domazar, has closed in

on a sinister death cult known as The Lost Ones.

I'm Dale Domazar, the one true Cult Buster,

here to remind you that America is constantly shitting out

new cults by absorbing debris of the old ones.

Jonestown, Heaven's Gate, The Branch Davidian

all give rise to new ones like QAnon, NXIVM, CrossFit,

and now the Lost Ones, yeah.

We've pinpointed their camp,

just outside Fairfax, Saskatchewan,

and we've secretly installed five hidden cameras

throughout the compound.

They're a blood-thirsty collective of dead enders

and true believers.

Their leader, a charlatan par excellence,

calls himself Theoren the Shepherd.

This is fundamental.

A personality cult.

The minions worship the leader

and exalt him to godlike status.

That's fanaticism.

Go, go, go.

I managed to extract a Lost Ones defector

and escort them to safety.

We're in the clear.

Now, we do a delicate brain scrub for intel

on their master plan.

You're in a safe space here with ol' double D.

Now, tell me everything I need to know

about the Lost Ones!

It's okay. You're safe.

They controlled every aspect of our lives

and they kept alluding to a purification ceremony.

These bastards are up to something

and it's time to go undercover.

We now go live to the season one finale.

And this cult is busted!

Who among our number ordered a clown?

There's no starship coming,

but I'm here to help you

and I can provide exit counseling for small fee.

Nice to meet you, Dale,

but we're in the middle of something.

Everybody freeze. Now!

Jesus!

Awaken, my star seeds.

Everybody, hold up. Stay where you are.

This idiot pretender has poisoned

our purification ceremony.

I've alerted the authorities, and they are very close.

When we made our vows,

you took an oath in the event that we were.

I now enact the unmask protocol!

I will shoot you.

End my suffering.

Okay, well then, I-- I don't know.

I'll, uh, I'll shoot your fucking knees off.

You really haven't thought this through, have you?

One.

- One. - No.

What are you doing? Stop that. I'm counting.

Two.

No, no. I say two, fucker! No, don't do that.

Three.

No.

Don't! No! No, don't do that.

No, what are you doing? Stop that.

What are you fucking doing?

Spit that out.

Spit that out. No!

Asshole!

Uh, please!

Dale, what the hell happened here?

Uh...

the Lost Ones have been found.

I'll be the first to admit

that life isn't always

an inspirational hand stitched embroidery quote.

It wasn't always this way.

Things were looking up when we moved Owen Sound.

I found us a beautiful three bedroom home

in hopes that our family would grow,

just like our love for each other had,

but the universe had other plans.

Plans we're still trying to navigate.

Sure, there's a lot less pressure on us now,

but nonetheless, our marriage started to feel off.

Like an old recipe that just doesn't taste the same.

Not enough spice perhaps, or maybe too much.

If I don't like something, I return it

and I want my marriage to return to how it was,

before Brad went all loopy.

The extreme hair loss, selective hearing.

Not to mention, he almost bought a painting

without consulting me for the front foyer.

Brad's even demoted himself

at his investment firm twice now

just to relieve some unnecessary stress.

I'm really at the end of my rope.

I feel like I've done everything to help him.

It's amazing I even got him here.

But you know, when it comes down to it,

I really wanna do this for him.

For me. For everyone. For us. For me.

Not to say we're not happy. We're happy, right?

The question was actually for Brad.

-Oh! -Brad, what do you hope

to get out of this place?

I guess a sense of purpose.

Beyond?

It's okay.

A honey do list.

I think you're gonna fit in perfectly here.

Our resident spiritual elder is none other

than Master Jagori.

He alchemized a safe space for self-awareness,

for transcendence, specifically tailored for men

like our Bradley here.

A program called The Ascension.

His teachings elevate oneself to a higher frequency.

Too often, we find ourselves swimming up river.

Well, here at Hope Acres, we surrender to the current.

It's a stream, but of consciousness.

Master Jagori can do great things for you, Brad,

but it depends on how open you are to change.

Are you ready to join The Ascension?

I really like it.

I sure as hell don't buy any of that witch-doctor jargon,

but for you, it's perfect.

They're gonna snap you right out of this pity party

you got going on. And it seems like they have guys there

who have it way worse than you,

so it's gonna give you some perspective.

We'll just pay our way out of the sadness

and one day, we can laugh about all this.

Hey. Hey.

Hey! Remember me?

I'm Dale Domazar. Good old double D, the Cult Buster guy.

Do you need to wish a friend a happy birthday?

Do you need-- Fuck!

Do you need to wish a friend a happy birthday?

Or maybe your child needs a pep talk.

Hell, I'll even break up with your boyfriend

on your behalf.

I'm your guy.

Just $20 for 60 seconds of me.

And do you need any manual labor done?

Give me a shout because this cult is bust--

Brad?

There you are.

You started the car and I didn't know where you went.

You're gonna have to look

at the return policy on this thing.

Adventure awaits.

Can you believe it?

Believe what?

The McLaughlins, they went with Cynthia. Cynthia Doyle.

You physically took down their Christmas lights.

It was March.

They were on vacation.

I heard a rumor that Cynthia Doyle has fibromyalgia,

so I looked it up

and all the symptoms are exactly what I have.

I have fibromyalgia. She's copying me.

She's obsessed with me!

Can you turn on my karma app?

Damn it, Brad! Come on!

Let go today, Kallie.

Your need for oversight burns from the ashes of your fear.

Let go and enjoy the ride.

Oh, I think you're really gonna be thanking me

after this weekend.

Right on time.

I believe it was the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu

who said

Wow! Did you get that, Brad? I don't think he's listening.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step.

Oh, can I use that? I really like that.

I work in real estate.

I'd like to introduce you to two of our finest members,

Dalton and Luther.

Both are expert healers

and longtime students of The Ascension.

Gosh, that stinks.

That's our traditional right of acquaintance?

Okay.

Please.

Uh! Oh, I did wanna check his bag before he goes.

He's arrived at a very special time here at Hope Acres.

Among those chosen in the year zero.

Okay. Well, can you make sure he takes his pill?

Sometimes, he forgets.

He'll be taken care of here.

Okay, honey. Uh, bye.

Don't even think about having dairy.

I'm proud of you. I love you.

Don't have too much fun without me.

All right.

Bradley. Oh, perfect fit.

Please, this way. Don't be nervous.

I was a patient like you,

but then, soon after, my whole life completely changed.

Look, Dr. Pavy, our resident medicine man.

What a pleasure. And please, Cormac is fine by me.

Doctor, Bradley's medical records.

Ooh! How wonderful!

I'll take a lookie-poo through this today.

May we ascend.

Please, this way, Bradley. There's so much to see.

You know, Dr. Pavy, he healed three slipped discs of mine.

The man is a miracle worker.

Oh, I'm sure you're gonna make a ton of friends here,

but let me show you around.

Over here we have our hall of nourishment.

Over to the left, we have our patient rec center.

And behind that, we have our very own indoor pool.

But first, let me show you our garden.

Nature restores the ascension process,

so you'll be spending much of your time outdoors

to shed that protective armor you have cladded to your soul.

Come, I have more to show you.

With the wisdom you'll absorb within our gardens,

you'll be able to live the rest of your days in peace,

as is our hope.

You'll come to realize your soul chose all of this

before you even came here.

How long do people usually stay here?

Until they remember it's time to leave.

Master Jagori, may we ascend.

Welcome home, Brad the broken.

It's vitamin C.

May we ascend.

May we ascend.

You work hard for your money,

you need a home that represents your success.

This elegant home offers that lifestyle

and like you, is well maintained.

Who has time to clean

when you are busy hosting dinner parties?

Don't you want your own in-island waterfall?

So wet!

If you're like me, ladies, you like 'em big.

Big ceilings, big windows, gorgeous views.

This is the paradise you deserve.

So call Cynthia Doyle today for your private viewing.

Cynthia, I don't know how you do it,

but this video is gonna change real estate

across Owen Sound.

Well, yes. The internet is our friend, Marcia.

The more that we can captivate an audience online,

the quicker our homes will sell.

Well, I have full faith that you have a handle on it here.

Thank you.

Kallie? Kallie, are-- are you okay?

Yep. I just brought a snack for everyone.

They're my famous deviled eggs.

It's a little hot in here, so...

thought we could use a snack.

What? Cynthia, I'm-- I'm so sorry.

No, it-- it-- it's fine. You know what?

I'm suddenly really hungry. Uh, I think it's near lunch.

Good call. Okay, folks, lunchtime.

Let's go get lunch, okay?

You stay there. We need to talk.

Okay, good. Because someone's been stealing my lawn signs

and I am not very happy about it.

Uh, excuse me. This can't be here right now.

We have an open house on the street.

Do you even have a permit for this?

Oh, my-- Can you please get off our lawn?

No. This needs to be cleaned up now. No.

What? I'm calling the police.

Well, I'm gonna get my lawyer. Are you filming me?

They were violating at least three bylaws.

No parents in sight!

Mouths like a crew of pirates!

That's enough.

Kallie, the firm cannot afford another one

of these ranting meltdowns.

They were positioned right down the street

from my open house.

What would potential buyers think?

"Oh, great! Here's some kids, begging for change

-on the side of the road." -They're kids for Christ's sake!

And as for those other complaints,

those charges were dropped

and I had every right to self-defense.

This could cost you your real estate license.

I can't have it!

-I'm giving you one more chance. -What?

You can sell the Victorian on the hill.

Are you insane?

Now, I don't want to hear one single complaint from you,

from neighbors or anybody. Is that clear?

You are to sell that house and prove to me

that you can be a responsible realtor.

Sell the Victorian on the hill.

Sell the Victorian on the hill.

-Kellie? -Ah!

Hey, doll. Hi. Yeah, I-- I hope you're doing okay.

Why? I'm fine. I'm always fine.

I hope that you're hanging in there.

Oh yeah. No, honey. I'm-- Yeah, I'm good.

I know-- I just-- I just know things are tough right now.

I heard about Bradley being at Hope Acres.

My Brad? No, he's doing great.

Okay. Well, I-- It's just I sponsor a few patients there.

I could have swore I saw him at my last visit.

Nope. No, he's at home. He's doing good.

Yeah. You know what? Maybe I'm wrong.

Yeah. I must have got it wrong.

You do. You have it wrong.

Oh, gosh! I'm so-- I'm so relieved.

You know, I thought maybe there was, you know,

something going on.

Nope. We're good. I'm good.

Brad's good and we're stronger than ever.

Good.

So, I hope that you get through

what you're going through as well.

Okay, Kallie. You, uh, you take care of yourself. Okay?

We'll see you when we see ya.

You like to work hard,

so why not put some work into this big classic.

Relax in your very own sitting room.

Each of these doors weigh 35 pounds.

Solid wood.

This opportunity won't last long,

so call Kallie Jones today

to book your very private showing.

Okay, Mr. Domazar,

thank you for breaking your silence with us today.

Yeah, of course.

Here we go.

-Thank you. -Hello, my loyal--

Hey there. How's it going?

No, this is the intro. I'll introduce you.

-Oh! -It's okay.

I'll just edit it out later.

No, keep it.

-What? -I want this to be authentic.

Whatever. Let's just start again.

Unsafe Sects.

Hello, loyal zealots.

Welcome to another episode of Unsafe Sects.

As always, I'm your ringleader, Tessa Fantastic.

We've got a big guest on today.

For the past 15 years,

he's been unmasking cults and deprogramming fanatics.

Welcome to the show, Dale Domazar.

Yeah. Rock on! Hey, everyone.

Our listeners are very familiar with your backstory:

your show being canceled, the lawsuits.

We haven't heard from you

in five years since the Lost One's debacle.

What made you decide to break your silence now?

Well, I've been, uh, taking some time to myself.

I've been doing a lot of drinkin-- Thinking.

A lot of thinking. It's time to reenter the world.

Get back to work.

Oh, what kind of work did you have in mind?

Paid appearances,

some light bounty hunting,

a little private investigation on the side.

It says here that you got

your private investigator license revoked when--

Yeah, I'm appealing that.

So, strictly speaking, you're done with cults?

Look, I know it sounds crazy.

Re-launching, re-inventing,

whatever the hell you want to call it,

my Cult Buster project.

You really think people will go for that?

-Seriously? -Yeah, of course they will.

The cult world has evolved. Cults are less of a threat now.

Even cult experts are more subtle and nuanced.

At this point, I think a new show

would be very ill-advised.

You've squeezed everything you can from this character.

Don't you think it's time to just,

you know, let it go?

-Dale? -Yeah.

Okay. Next question.

It was reported that you went off script

in the season finale,

and that was what caused the entire Lost One's cult

to commit mass suicide, when in fact,

they had only been planning a single human sacrifice.

That cult was demonic!

Maybe. But if it weren't for the added theatrics

of the show and your decision making,

then perhaps, the cult could have lived long enough

for the police to arrive.

Today is a new day

and you've woken up on the right side of the bed.

It's important to let your guard down

with any interactions you may face today.

You might meet someone

you haven't seen for a while or heard from.

They might have surprising news.

Be understanding.

Fuck you!

My weekend was great.

It was really nice to have some alone time,

uh, just to have a glass of wine, unwind, introspect.

Okay, well, uh, I guess we better be going.

I'd like to go before the grocery store closes.

I found us a new vegan bone marrow recipe we could try.

- Actually, I... - What?

-I thought you called her. -Who called me?

Brad has requested an extension and it's been approved.

No, we didn't. I didn't approve anything.

Technically, your consent is not required.

Master Jagori has waived all the fees and expenses

for Brother Bradley.

Bradley has chosen to complete his ascension journey.

Okay, well, the only journey

my husband will be continuing is the one back to our house

where we live together, now.

Brad! Are you rebuffing me?

No. Yes. I-- I'd like to stay.

Beautiful work, Brad.

Stunning.

-We're leaving. -Please respect my boundaries.

Your boundaries? What the fuck have they done to you?

See, I don't feel like I'm being heard right now.

Enough of this. Honey, I brought you here

so that we can be happy,

not so that you stay with these fucking freaks in bathrobes.

God damn it! I'm calling the police.

Mrs. Jones, the police have already been notified.

For what? What have I done?

You're trespassing.

-You're kidnapping! -They're on their way now.

They practically insisted when they heard your name.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

What is this? Some kind of cult?

-This is a cult, isn't it? -Ma'am, please ma'am.

Honey, you think-- Get your hands off him!

Come on, ma'am.

God damn it!

Fuck! God damn it!

They came at me. They were coming right at me,

I couldn't say anything. What was I supposed to say?

I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong!

It was them! They came at me!

I'm a woman! They were hitting me! They hit me!

I was on the ground!

What happened to us, Brad?

Get off me! Of course, you're gonna record this.

Ma'am, please step back.

Get your hands off me! Get that camera-- Get out of my--

Is that what I look like?

Oh.

It wasn't that bad.

God!

I tried my best.

Cult Buster.

Think you know cults Mister, uh, Dale Domazar?

We'll see about that.

Give this a shot.

Okay. See if he's home.

You've reached the Cult Buster hotline.

Leave a message.

This is Scenic City realtor, Kallie Jones.

I'd like to report a cult here at Owen Sound,

so I need a Cult Buster, and I guess you're my guy.

So, you're gonna be going to Hope Acres Wellness Center

and shut them down.

They have taken my husband, Brad,

and they assaulted me and you need to get him outta there

because he's terrified and alone

and he couldn't even look me in the eyes.

So I need you to go there

and burn them to the ground. Okay, bye.

A change is upon you, Dear One.

With your decision to evolve,

the universe moves quickly to shed all dense energies

so you are ready to move freely forward.

Hello?

With the moon and transition,

this is the perfect time.

You are free to feel.

Relationships are a path to--

Excuse me?

Can I help you? That's not your piñata! Brad?

Who are you?

How'd you-- How'd you get in here?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, creepo.

Sorry about the mess.

Didn't know just what we'd be dealing with here tonight.

Who the hell are you?

Dale Domazar. You called me two nights ago. Dale? Me?

Yeah. I did.

Renowned Cult Buster and exit counselor.

I got here soon as I could.

Renowned or disgraced?

Hey. I'm all you got, lady.

About that job offer, accepted.

You and me, we're gonna investigate

suspected cult activity rooted in this very community.

You're not very professional. I thought you'd be taller.

Look, you may think that I'm bottom of the barrel,

but I get shit done.

You called me as a last resort

because no one believes you about Hope Acres, correct?

Yeah. Well, you can bet your ass that I do.

So, I'm not crazy and they are a cult. Okay!

I've studied fringe factions my entire life. Ever since...

Ever since what?

Never mind. It doesn't matter.

Okay. Well, I'm gonna call the cops.

No. No, that's exactly what they want.

Most cult yearn for armed confrontation.

It validates their end game.

You move in and surround those assholes,

lay siege?

Well, you can kiss your hubby and everybody else embroiled

in that kooky compound goodbye.

They're minced meat.

- All right, fine. - Okay, then.

Pack your shit. I'm parked down the street.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

It's not safe here. We killed one of theirs.

They will be back.

You killed. You killed one of theirs in my home.

I just saved your ass.

If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead,

or worse, indoctrinated.

But stay. Be my goddamn guest.

You need me a hell of a lot more than I need you.

Don't tell me what I need. I'm staying. This is insane.

Fine, by all means.

But you need to realize

that I'm not the one to worry about.

They know where you live,

and they will not stop until you are dead.

Do you know a safe place that we can go?

Because you have no idea who the fuck we're dealing with.

Yeah, I-- I know a place.

Great. Now, do you want to hear the good news?

Because they have no idea

who the fuck they're dealing with either.

So, what's this hide out of yours?

It's a house I'm selling.

How much?

You could never afford it.

We'll see about that soon enough.

I just don't understand

why they would wanna attack me?

Two days ago,

when you tried to steal from their flock.

You mean my husband?

Yeah. You pushed them on their own turf.

I mean, you practically snapped Brad out of the spell.

The whole thing would've imploded like a house of cards.

I have to admit, I kind of liked the moxie.

It was rude, crude, and right on the mark.

However, you don't just provoke a fucking death cult

like that. No.

What we need here is subtlety

and sophistication to gain access.

A death cult. Jesus Christ, Brad!

Stay with me here, Kallie Jones.

Here's what we're not gonna do.

We're not gonna storm in there guns blazing. No!

They'll hunker down

and we'll have ourselves a 90-day standoff

on national television.

What?

What we need here is covert concealment. Yeah.

We gotta get in there, earn their trust,

pull back the curtain, rescue the followers,

and detain the leader

and expose it all on a one-hour TV special, baby.

I knew that there was some angle with you!

And I'm willing to offer you

my platinum deprogramming program.

Do not try to upsell me. I'm a natural born negotiator.

You mean bullshitter?

All right, tell me about this platinum package.

Well, you'll get infiltration, extraction,

three months of thought reform consultations,

and all I need is my per diem, gas, food,

lodging, maybe a haircut.

And if we're successful,

you'll get 25% of my comeback special royalties.

Whatever. Just get my husband outta that freak fest

and we got a deal.

Yeah!

Whoa! This place is--

-I know. It's-- -Fucking awesome! Whew!

There's a couple bedrooms upstairs,

so you can just pick one.

No, I'm on the job.

I'm gonna stay out here and keep an eye on things.

Suit yourself.

Come in.

Master Jagori would like to have a word with you, Bradley.

Oh, right now?

In the pool.

Uh, okay.

We do not go in there.

What was that?

Tonsillitis.

May we ascend.

We may.

I'd like to check in with you, Brad.

Thank you, sir.

You've had some spectacular success in the mere days

that you've been with us.

More than many achieve in years.

I knew you were significant early on when you arrived.

The greats come from the lowest of the lows.

Yeah. Uh, well, it's-- it's nice to relax for once.

I-- I do feel accepted here.

I feel like I can breathe a bit.

Well, we would like to formally invite you

to level up at the quantum edification ceremony tomorrow.

Wow! I don't know what to say.

You know, few have receive such an invitation

and even fewer have anything to say about it.

Well, thank you. It-- it-- it's everything

that I was hoping for.

Good. Good.

It's just, um, my wife, can she come?

Oh, Brad!

You need to focus on your own path.

When we lean on partners,

we cease to make our own choices.

Sometimes in relationships you get to the point--

Well, it's not a point. Maybe it's just a limit exceeded.

Soon, us becomes them. You see what I'm saying to you?

I'm not quite sure I follow.

Your wife is a bloodsucking vampire.

Kallie? No, no. Kallie means well.

- No, no, no! - She loves me.

No, she treats you like a child, Brad.

Step into your power!

Ugh!

We have to control ourselves.

We make the choices.

Okay. I'll be there.

Good.

The guides have great plans for you.

All right. Camera and sound, aces.

Calibration, primo.

Framing is fucking epic. Let's do this.

All right. Cult Buster, season two, scene four.

And this episode of Cult Buster is brought to you

by Scenic City realtor, Kallie Jones.

All right, folks. We're going down the rabbit hole.

Going into this here haunted house

and we're gonna surveil the premises

for any cult activity or fucking booby traps.

Kallie?

Scenic City realtor, Kallie Jones?

Yeah, I'm in here. I just need another minute.

With new energy on the horizon,

you are reminded to stay grounded in your routine.

It can be easy--

Cult Buster season two, scene five, take one.

What the hell is going on in here?

Kallie Jones, we have a big day today. Sit down.

Where? There's shit all over my bed!

Anywhere. It doesn't matter. Please.

Are those guns?

All right. I've created an excellent pre-production video

to get us started. Watch this. Action.

Do you need a safe space oasis?

Look no further than Hope Acres,

a run-of-the-mill wellness center

located in the sleepy hamlet of Owen Sound.

But pull back the curtains and you'll find

an ungodly personality cult

centered around its charming guru, Master Jagori.

Real name Ira Keating, 61, white, lazy.

Little is known of the man,

but he is just a man, let's remember that.

He studied Shamanism, mycology, cursed warfare.

He traveled Central America, Amazonia,

and later, the Himalayan foothills.

Then, he writes an autobiographical novella

called The Grand Affliction.

Two star average review.

But from its main tenets, he forms the basis

of his master shell game: The Ascension.

The compound is purchased in a private sale

on the outskirts of an unsuspecting town,

ripe with disenchantment.

Then, Jagori elevates his personal assistant

and two fan boys in his manifesto

to form their sub-leadership framework.

These three Igors are entrusted

to implement a rigid hierarchy of command.

The patients are gently brainwashed into accepting

an increasingly authoritarian internal culture.

The Ascension program steals the language used

in new age mysticism

to achieve the exact opposite of the free spirit ethos.

And evidently, some of these patients graduate

into axe-wielding zealots like our friend from last night.

They're masquerading as a wellness center

with the aim of enticing despondent men.

Hey, Kallie Jones?

Do you not understand the severity of this situation?

Yes, I understand the severity of the situation

and you can bet your ass we can do your little game plan

as soon as I've done my showing.

- What? - I have a house showing

today, here.

I haven't had a buyer in months

and if I don't sell something soon,

Brad won't even have a house to come back to anyway.

Everyone deals with stress differently

and focusing on this deal

is the only thing keeping me from shaving my head.

Here.

I've made a couple of risky forays.

around the perimeter of the compound last weekend.

I managed to set up three spy cameras

on the outside of the main building

in the event that we can get some concrete video evidence

to use for my comeback special.

What the-- That's Cynthia Doyle.

She mentioned she's sponsoring a couple patients

at Home Acres.

Sponsoring or recruiting?

Town records have her first land deal

as an estate sale of the old Moreland Place

to one Ira Keating.

And she just won Realtor of the Year,

ending my winning streak.

That's it! I have to sell this house today.

Kallie, how well do you know this buyer?

We spoke on the phone.

Those clever bastards!

What are you insinuating?

We may have a bidding war.

And so, in conclusion, we are the intended.

We are the brides of creation,

and the day before you arrived here at Hope Acres,

you were perfect.

Okay. Well, why don't we sing the Ascension song.

♪ I will ascend with Master Jagori ♪

♪ This is the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I'm going up, ascending to glory ♪

♪ This is the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ I'm never gonna go down ♪

♪ This may be the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I got my wings from Master Jagori ♪

♪ I'm never gonna know your name ♪

♪ I'm never gonna know you ♪

♪ This is the last time ♪

♪ Ascension is the way ♪

♪ His name is my name ♪

♪ My name is your name ♪

♪ My name is just the same ♪

♪ He will take me ♪

♪ Master Jagori, he will take me where I go ♪

♪ The ascension is the way ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ I'm never gonna go down ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ I'm never gonna go down ♪

We need to find a hiding spot. How much time do we got?

Any minute now.

What is this?

They're my famous devilled eggs.

Oh, jackpot.

Not here. Let me just stick it in here. Perfect.

This is a setup!

I need the floor. You gotta go hide. Calm the hell down!

Welcome, welcome. Kallie Jones, Scenic City Realty.

Mum, you can call me Mr. Mort.

Well, come on in, Mr. Mort.

Now the house was built in 1870 by...

The house was used as a flophouse,

a gambling den and a murder mystery theater.

Very good locks. Champagne?

Okay. Now, it's a little musty in here.

The house has not been updated

and holds a lot of its original charm,

but I like to think of it as a blank canvas.

What will you paint?

Did someone die in here?

I believe they were sick for many years,

but they did get them on the front lawn

before they passed.

Uh, anyways, beautiful dining room up here.

Family man, Mr. Mort?

Lots of memories to be made in this dining room.

I'll tell you that much.

You can carve a turkey.

You look like you've carved a couple turkeys in your day.

Oh, a songbird. Yes.

The organ does come with the house

and I've been known to tickle an ivory or two in my day.

Now, I will tell you that we have had a few offers.

I will be upfront about that.

Have you fixed up many homes, Mr. Mort?

It does need a little TLC,

but location's everything, right?

It doesn't get safer than Owen Sound.

Did you see the lemonade stand down the street?

It happens every weekend.

I haven't been able

to keep a quarter on me since.

Kallie, is there someone else here?

No. It's just you and me, Mr. Mort.

I'd love to take you upstairs.

Four bedroom, three bath.

Are you much of a soaker, Mr. Mort?

I've been getting into meditation

and I find the bathtub is my sanctuary.

A couple bath bombs,

a little bit of salt and a little music.

You know what? It's crazy what you can--

Oh, Mr. Mort? Oh yeah, the kitchen.

Okay. Mr. Mort, is everything okay?

Is there a basement?

Yeah, it's right here.

Can you show me it?

Ah, yes. That would be my pleasure.

Now, it's a little musty down here as well. Kind of dark.

A little cold and dark down here,

but I thought it'd be nice for a wine cellar.

And I'm hoping to get your email address

because we do have a survey for Realtor of the Year Award

and that would really help things.

Great secrets of a home,

but I'm real with my buyers.

I'm an open book. Oh! Oh my gosh.

You're quite the home inspector, Mr. Mort.

Luckily, we are on a backup generator, which is nice.

A message from Master Jagori.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Join us as a recruiter

and witness Brad's ascension this very evening.

Brad? How do you know Brad?

I'm sorry. You were right about Hope Acres.

No, no, no, no, no!

Love these French doors.

Mr. Mort is le mort.

All right, Kallie, rolling. Okay.

Season two, scene 17-- 16-- 17. Okay.

Mortified. Yeah.

Let's do that again. Move closer. Yep.

Scene 17. Mortified.

So, what the hell do you get outta this anyways?

Let's just say I've been trying to deprogram people

for a long time.

But why?

My sister.

I lost her.

Oh, geez. I'm sorry. What happened?

25 years ago,

my sister and I ran away from a foster home,

signed up for a traveling carnival.

They were gonna save our asses.

We moved into one of their RVs

and started traveling town to town,

learning the secret carnie language.

We were drinking it all in. True believers.

"The Domazar kids."

There was this head honcho guy, called himself the Viceroy.

He was always babbling on about the end of days.

He set us up in the ticket booth.

He kept all the money,

but somehow, in this fucked up society,

it all made perfect sense to us.

Then, one day, the jig was up,

a gravitron operator escaped

and he exposed the whole racket to the media.

It was a true shit show, literally.

Apparently, the Viceroy had set up cameras in the RVs

and was recording everybody on the toilet,

and sending out videos

and blackmailing all of our relatives.

But we refused to believe it.

I mean, this was the Viceroy we were talking about.

And the coppers,

they surrounded us at the Phelpston County fair.

Two-week besiegement began, then the assault from the feds.

Only a few of us made it out of there alive.

That's the last time I saw my sister.

Shit!

Yeah. Shit.

I mean, last I heard she was doing all right.

Got a promotion to games manager.

What? Your sister isn't dead?

Uh, no!

It's scary how far someone can get inside your head.

All it takes is figuring out

everyone's mental lock combination, like a horoscope.

And I guess your Brad was one easy crack.

-What did you say? -Crack.

No! Horoscope.

Today will be a day of endings.

You've been running for too long,

but your problems will always catch up.

This is how I found out about Hope Acres.

It was a random ad I had to listen to to get my reading.

Let me see that.

They've been writing my daily horoscopes.

I knew they were way too accurate.

Oh, Kallie! They've been tracking you this whole time.

Hey!

A missing nose. A missing ear.

And Mr. Mort didn't have any eyes.

I'm developing a theory.

What if they're harvesting body parts from the patients?

Like some kind of fucked up Frankenstein experiment?

Oh, no! Brad!

And Jagori's book mentioned all of this.

The quest for eternal youth

through ridding the body of defective parts

for some kind of offering.

Maybe those zealots had issues with sight,

sound and scent.

Kallie, think. Think hard!

Is there any weak part in Brad's anatomy?

Our health team said that he's unprolific.

Well, what does that mean?

He's sterile!

Sweet mother of Christ!

Guess who's here.

Master.

Dalton and Luther,

is that where you think that's supposed to go?

You're wrong. We discussed a different spot.

Please use your imaginations.

Pavy, what do you call those things?

God's teeth, sir.

God's teeth? God, Pavy. You take my breath away.

All right, everyone. Assemble.

All right. Good evening, everybody.

Now, we're gonna run through a little rehearsal.

It starts out with, uh, the people at the back, right?

With Dalton and Luther lined up there.

Pavy, you'll be at the, uh, altar with the offering.

And, uh, then I'm gonna walk in,

uh, since he's gonna lead the way, uh,

and I'll land right here like this.

Uh, Martin, uh, he's going to thank me,

uh, for being here

and I will thank him for the introduction.

And, uh, Martin, is that--

is that where you want to be, right there? Is it?

Because you look like--

You just look like you wandered up here and stopped.

There. Think about it. Thank you. Thank you, Martin.

Okay, so I just--

Then, I'm gonna have to make a reference

to Brad's, uh, manhood.

I'm gonna have the male organ of Brad.

What am I gonna call it, Martin?

I just, I don't want this to be funny.

The organ of continuation.

Organ of continuation. That's fantastic.

Did you write that? That's fantastic. Okay.

Then, everybody's going to be there.

They'll be toasting

and the, uh, the doses of the elixir will be consumed

by the intended, yes?

Uh, and then, I guess at some point,

I'm going to eat the organ of contemplation.

-Continuation. Sorry. -Organ of whatever.

And then, um, I will depart for the after realms.

How does that work?

How does what work?

Sorry. Your departure?

Well, I depart. I-- I leave, uh, this earthly plane.

-I ascend. -Just like that?

No, not just like that.

It's not a goddamn escalator at the fucking mall.

It's an ascension. Jesus Christ!

Okay, so, uh, then, uh,

Cynthia will take over my teachings for whatever

and then flee, right?

And I will, uh, meet my disciples in the ether

and so we'll wrap it up there, I think. Uh, that's it.

So, if you've got any other questions,

I'll be in the pool.

Well, this is exciting.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

I want you to have this in case I don't come back.

And these. They've set their sights on you, Kallie.

You can never be too careful.

Now, you lay low out here

while I work my magic from the inside.

-How? -I thought you'd never ask.

Check this shit out.

Cult Buster, season two, scene 29, take one.

Dale Domazar here with my foolproof plan

to gain access to Hope Acres.

Step one, easily fool the assessment interviewer

to gain access.

Step two, embed myself amongst the worker bee zealots.

Step three, infiltrate the leadership

and figure out whatever the fuck they're plotting.

Step four...

kick their fucking asses.

Step five, rescue Brad and the boys.

Yeah!

Now remember, I've got these guys all on camera

and they're not gonna know what the fuck hit them.

Now, wish me luck.

Good luck, Dale.

Call me Cult Buster.

No.

Do you wanna get that, uh, camera for me?

Yeah. It's gonna be a no for us.

Yes.

Yes.

Understood.

Master Jagori wants him to stay.

All right.

Well, it seems you've been accepted after all.

Um, Dalton will take you to your quarters, Mr. Hobney.

You've been requested to dine privately

with Master Jagori this evening.

Oh, really! Spectacular. I would truly be honored.

Dale Domazar, the professional Cult Buster,

here reporting from the belly of the beast as one

Mr. Hobney.

At risk, middle-aged male, just taking it all in.

And by that, I mean, hook, line,

and stinker.

The Hobney avatar has proven successful 100% of the time,

and I believe I've even jumped the cue.

But I'm not gonna lie,

going undercover in an environment such as this

is as dangerous as it gets.

These people are highly trained

at penetrating the new recruit until he bleeds.

I must be only Hobney now.

Become Hobney.

Hobney. Domazar. I am Hobney.

Domazar! Oh!

Shit.

Shit!

Uh! Cynthia Doyle!

You know my name! I'm flattered.

Well, everyone knows who you are.

In fact, I was sitting on your face just yesterday.

-I beg your pardon? -Park bench.

You are truly gifted at self-promotion.

Oh, well thank you, Mr. Hobby.

-Um, it's Hobney. Hobney. -Hm.

You've arrived at the final rundle

on the ladder of quantum edification.

Tonight, climb shall give way to flight.

There are two elixirs to experience.

The first is the pinnacle of your wellness journey.

The ayahuasca sacrament.

Drink and shed your dead skin.

Well, you have the opposite problem, don't you?

Uh, how do you figure?

Come on! If I can be frank, Mr... Hobney,

the men that find themselves here are all a--

a specific type, let's say.

Oh, and what type is that?

Beta.

What's the second drink?

Bradley, it's the final tool of your ascension.

It will deliver us, all of us,

to Jagori in the after realm.

May we ascend.

Hopelessly beta.

- May we ascend. - Submissive.

May we ascend.

Simps.

Cucks.

Is that what you are, Mr. Hobney?

You don't know the first thing about me, Ms. Doyle.

So, you're not such a beta?

Well, what do you think?

I think that maybe you don't belong here.

And I could say the same thing about you, Ms. Doyle.

Oh, you can say whatever you like, Mr. Gibney.

Hob-- Hobney.

Mr. Hob-Hobney. I'm just here to give you the tour

and I'm gonna show you everything.

All of it. All.

Uh...

I think I've seen just about enough Ms. Doyle.

Are you opting out of my tour?

Yeah. I'm more of a main event kind of guy.

Hm. As you wish.

Ever have I longed for the secret serenity

that I first foresaw when I dreamt of the ascension.

The ancient Greeks had a term for it:

ataraxia.

A complete absence of stress and anxiety.

- May we ascend. - May we ascend.

Cheers, Martin. You may be excused.

We'll see you tonight at the edification ceremony.

-I have a-- -Uh-- You know, sorry.

May I ask you something?

When you killed all of those poor people

on your silly show and then bootlegged your own videos

to bankroll the legal fees,

did you ever think, you know,

"Maybe I am the one who belongs in a place like Hope Acres?"

You know, "Maybe-- maybe I am the one who needs help?

Maybe, just maybe,

Mr. Hobney is a more decent, more genuine man

than that jarhead jack-off you call Dale Domazar.

That's a burn.

Well, have I got a surprise for you guys.

I'm not Mr. Hobney and this cult is busted. Yeah!

Shh.

Now, I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen next.

I feel I owe you a story, Dale Domazar.

Uh, I wasn't finished.

A story that might shed some light.

When I was a young man,

consumed with a terrible fever to travel the world

in search of answers, ancient answers,

for our modern predicament.

I found myself high in the Andes, Peru.

When I say high, I was tripping, man,

on this potent ayahuasca.

And so, there I found myself in the sacred valley,

in the long shadow of the ancient citadel

of Machu Pikachu.

-It's, uh, Picchu. -What?

It's, uh, it's, Machu Picchu.

Funny. I didn't see you there, Mrs. Doyle.

Anyway, anyway, where was I?

Oh, yes. I met this shaman who ferried me across

to the ancient island that was lost in the mists of time.

You see, thousands of years ago,

the village was beset with a terrible plague of leprosy,

and they banished those lepers onto this island,

this nameless island. Never given a name.

Not to this very day, as far as I know.

And in the summer solstice,

the very same shaman would return to the island

and surgically remove the offending features

from the, uh, wretched unfortunates.

And he would ferry it back in a sack, a meat sack,

and he'd return to the village and give it to a medicine woman

who was under the influence

of the very same terrible hallucinogen

that I was then reeling under myself.

And she prepared a meal and served it up to the shaman

and it was a ritualistic removal of sin from the village.

And for this, for this,

he was rewarded

with an ascension into the after realms

and from there, he had a great influence

on the events of this world.

And then the lepers, well, they were--

they were welcomed back and treated like royalty.

Oh, wow! So, they were able to cure leprosy?

No, no, no. Leprosy is a terrible disease

and it followed its own course and--

and they had to go back to the island and then back again.

And the cycle repeated itself

until really the island was just populated

with human worms.

Anyway, uh, the point of the story

is that shaman ascended.

-He did? -Oh, he did so.

Wow!

Mind blown!

Oh.

Oh, funny you should say that.

What? What's so funny?

Oh, well, I think what the master is trying to say

is that your brain damage is also on the menu tonight.

I resent that!

It's funny, but, uh,

he eluded your honey trap earlier tonight, Mrs. Doyle.

I believe that was a problem

with a different part of his anatomy.

Well, we have one of those ready to go as well.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, while you simpletons

we're busy playing your game of checkers,

I was all about the royal game of chess.

King me!

Prepare another alter and tell the doctor to brush up

on his lobotomy skills.

I think we have another offering for the festivities.

I can't feel my eyes. Why can't I feel my eyes?

And that would be the, uh, strong deliriant that you--

that you put in his drink. That was my idea.

Nice one.

If I may, Master, I have uncovered a hidden spy camera

on one of our trees in the courtyard.

Wow! Leave it. Let the world see our masterpiece.

You've done terrific work, Dalton.

Thank you, Master. May we ascend.

Now...

who do you think turned this Cult Buster onto us?

I can think of somebody.

What the? That's who's been stealing my signs?

Oh, my God. Brad.

Brad.

Prepare the altar.

Give him your heart.

I can feel you!

Drink!

So, do you have anything left to say?

Uh, uh-uh.

I do!

I'd like to speak with your manager!

Everybody on your hands now!

You are trespassing.

Bradley, I'm here for you, honey.

I sent an email, but I can see you guys are a little busy.

Don't move.

No, no, no, no, no.

Brad, honey? Brad, honey? Are you okay? I'm here.

Hi. Hi, Cynthia.

Scenic City Realtor, Kallie Jones.

They doped me and stole my hair. Nice tattoo.

I've lived a life.

No, no. Don't listen to her. You're here to ascend.

May we ascend. Drink, you idiots.

No! We can still ascend together.

We can see Master Jagori in the after realms together.

Drink it! Please!

Step away from the patients.

Don't drink that. Put that shit down.

Hold up. Hold up, okay? Look at your leader now.

He doesn't love you. I do.

I love you. I love you guys.

Okay, we're gonna go. Can you walk? Can you walk, honey?

Come on! Come on! Stay back, Cynthia!

I'm here for you. Put the drinks--

Yeah, put them down. That's what we like.

Yeah, dump that shit.

Come on, honey. Come on! It's time to go.

Wake up! Wake up!

This is a private ceremony.

What's your damage, lady?

Come on, honey. Come on.

Cynthia Doyle.

What the fuck is wrong with you motherfuckers? Seriously!

Jesus Christ, you wanna party, huh?

Dale Domazar, you manky fucking mall cop, huh?

What about you, Kallie Jones?

You alcoholic

demented motherfucking soccer mom!

Brad, you birthday boy.

Come blow out your fucking candle!

Come on! I love everybody.

I love you and I fucking love you! Come on!

Let's do it! Yeah!

This is my party. My fucking party!

Come on down, bud. Come on.

Got ya.

And Cult Buster season two is wrapped! Yeah!

Yeah!

Like I said before, life isn't always

an inspirational hand-stitched embroidery quote.

It's messy and unpredictable.

It's okay to not be in control.

It only took me saving my husband

from a cannibalistic death cult to realize that.

But hey, I'm only human and I'm okay with that.

I've learned to let go and let be what is.

We all wanna become a part of something bigger

to feel important, to feel needed,

but the most important thing you'll ever be a part of

is right in front of you.

♪ I will ascend with Master Jagori ♪

♪ This is the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I'm going up, ascending to glory ♪

♪ This is the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ I'm never gonna go down ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ Never gonna go down ♪

♪ This may be the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I got my wings from Master Jagori ♪

♪ I'm never gonna know your name ♪

♪ I'm never gonna know you ♪

♪ Oh, his name is my name ♪

♪ My name is your name ♪

♪ My name is just the same ♪

♪ He will take me ♪

♪ Master Jagori, he will take me where I go ♪

♪ The ascension is ♪

♪ The way ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ I'm never gonna go down ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ Never gonna go down ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ Never gonna go down ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ Never gonna go down ♪

♪ I'm going up, up, up ♪

♪ Never gonna go down ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This may be the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I got my wings from Master Jagori ♪

♪ I'm going up, wind's going to take me ♪

♪ This may be the last time you'll ever see me ♪

♪ I'm going up ♪

Oh, what is it? What have you done?

- I'm going up. - What have you done?

-I'm sorry, Master Jagori. -That's not right.

-I'm sorry. -Just start again.